Anger is energy.
The energy of change.
It is the source of your power and passion.
It happens low down in the belly where your sexuality lies.
Deny, avoid, repress one and you do the same to the other.
The first question we ask couples who are missing the passion in their relationships is “What do you do with your anger?”
With passion comes desire.
The biggest changes across the world started with someone getting angry enough to DO something.
So if you’re wanting to find more sexual desire look at what you’re doing with your anger.
When we talk about anger we are NOT talking about aggression (even though they are often assumed to go together).
Anger is simply a feeling of “I don’t like this”. 
Aggression is closed hearted anger expressed through “I’m going to make YOU pay for my anger through abuse or violence!”
More relationships break down from a lack of anger rather than too much of it. (Though living in too much unhealthy anger can be traumatising.)
It is appropriate to feel angry when you have been violated, had your boundaries crossed, not been treated with respect, been lied to or betrayed.When you make your anger wrong you make yourself wrong at a very deep level. Anger helps empower us to make changes, to stand up for ourselves and others, to express what we need to reinstate our sovereignty.
It is inappropriate when it is used as an avoidance of fear or embarrassment or when it is based in self deception, projection or when we dump it on those closest to us rather than dealing with it where it belongs.
We shut down our capacity to feel anger to allow us to handle difficult experiences but in shutting ourselves down we fragment ourselves and lose touch with who we are. Shut down anger is literally a powder keg in our bodies ready to burst out again or to manifest in disease.
Our anger can instead be a great source of personal power, energy, a pathway to clarity and inner wisdom.
Suppression of our anger does not mean freedom from it, it merely builds up in our system, making our bodies tense and uptight.
Signs of unexpressed anger are:
- Tightness in the shoulders and back of the neck
- Headaches, especially at the back of the head
- Tight or sore jaw muscles
- Clenching of jaws or night time grinding of teeth
- Crawling or itching sensations or tightness in the upper back and arms
- Outbursts at inappropriate times
- Picking at finger nails
- Excessive chewing of gum
- Smoking and drinking
- Irritability, lack of patience, tolerance and understanding
- Self criticism or self hatred
- Feeling stuck, blocked, hopeless or victimised
- And most importantly in relationship is a lack of passion
Side effects of unfelt or unexpressed anger include:
- Stress
- Anxiety
- Self criticism and worthlessness
- Poor self image
- Self hatred
- Hopelessness
- Poor sleep
- Illness- high blood pressure, heart disease, stroke, arthritis to name a few
- Headaches
- Relationship breakdowns
- Depression
- Addictions
- Accidents
- Bitterness, cynicism
- Not getting what we want
If we withhold our anger we then withdraw from the person making us angry, we collapse into disappointment or become resentful.
We then act out our anger covertly through:
Attacking Behaviours- (which we often regret later and shut ourselves down even further)
- Blaming
- Accusations
- Criticism
- Sarcasm
- Shouting, swearing
- Generalisations
- Dismissive comments or gestures
- Meanness
- Sharp or abrupt comments
- Cold shouldering
- Carelessness, accidents, lateness
- Refusing to co-operate
Defensive Behaviours-
- Being quiet, playing small
- Being overly pleasing
- Excessive apologising
- Withdrawal
- Excuse making
- Excessive justification/explanation
Your first level of obligation is to express your anger so that it does not damage you.
Your second is to express what you want to say to the person you feel angry about, or to do what you want about the situation.
If you cannot express your anger to the person involved find a safe way to express it to yourself.
True forgiveness happens when the energy of anger is released from the physical body and we take responsibility for the lesson we have to learn in it. When this is done there is nothing to forgive.
Steps to open hearted expression of your anger:
- Make your anger OK.
- Breathe your way through the physical sensations of your anger and feel them releasing.
- If your anger is too big, or even overwhelming for this, do something about it to move the energy through your body such as shaking, jumping, dancing, exercising.
- Give voice to what you want to say, express it without censoring, just get it out!
- Find the emotion underlying the anger, for as powerful as it is, anger is often a secondary emotion. Commonly what we find inside anger is sadness, which helps open our hearts. It can be any emotion we want to avoid.
- If needed, then speak to the person concerned. Be clear, direct, specific and stick to the point. Focus on what is happening for you, use ‘I statements’. Go for a win-win outcome if possible. Focus on hearing yourself rather than attaching to any particular outcome. And on what you do want, not on what you don’t. Avoid bringing up the past. Check out any assumptions you’re making.
- Be willing to listen too.
- Enjoy the increased desire that flows in the bedroom that arises from the freeing up of your sexual energy.
Nb. If anger remains a constant in your relationship that gets nowhere, or is leading to aggression you need to look more deeply at what is going on for you and seek professional support. Preferably from someone who doesn’t make your anger wrong.
Have a discussion about where anger currently fits in your relationship. Decide whether you would like to make a safe place for open hearted anger and reap the benefits of increased personal power, self and partner respect and passion.
For support in learning to be healthy in your anger without closing your heart email us here or call 1800 TANTRA.
instead of being with you. They might no longer have any real desire in their lovemaking and it’s become pretty mechanical and unsatisfying. Passion has become a thing of the past and talking about it seems impossible. Erections and orgasms are no longer a certainty.
approach leaves Susan feeling unattractive, rejected and deprived and causes her to question their relationship. Also, Paul’s regular criticism of her weight gain has left her self-esteem in tatters. Paul saw Susan’s weight as the reason he was no longer interested in her. Both were left believing that their attraction for each other had ended and that love had died.
Susan expressed her shame and self judgment about her affair, and how it had pained her to hurt Paul so deeply. Paul was able to feel Susan’s pain and this then allowed his own heart to soften. He was able to express his feelings of sexual inadequacy after her hot night with another man, and his fears about satisfying this newly confident woman. Susan was able to make it clear to Paul that it was really great lovemaking with him and all he meant to her she wanted, rather than sex with a stranger.
