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Tantric Communication Practice

September 5, 2023 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

unhappy couple

Do you find that your communication with your partner never seems to hit the spot?

Are you often left feeling unheard? 

Unseen?

Or uninspired? (You’ve heard it all before…when you used to hang on their every word)

Even disrespected?

Today’s tantric communication practice can help bring about a radical change in your communication style with minimal effort.

Like much of tantra, this is a ritual, a practice

And like any practice the more you do it, the more satisfying it becomes.

It’s simple.

It allows each person to feel heard.

It invites you to listen to each other. To listen from the heart, rather than the head.

We often rarely listen to each other

In normal communication styles there is often very little listening going on. 

We are so used to constantly thinking, our partner has barely got started when we are busy analysing what they’ve said. And how it will impact us. 

Sometimes we are so busy waiting for our turn, working out what we want to say, we don’t really hear what our partner is saying.

Sometimes we check out of the conversation because we think we’ve heard it all before.

We can disagree with what is being said, and immediately try to impose our own point of view. 

Occasionally we can be in fear of what our partner might have to say.  So we either interrupt, ignore, invalidate or check out of their conversation. Because we literally want to protect ourselves from hearing it. 

Also too, we can be emotionally triggered by our partner’s words and either explode into unrelated emotion, or withdraw from it.

This simple tantric practice bypasses all of the above

It does so by getting us to focus on listening and really hearing each other. And nothing else.

It’s not trying to resolve anything.

It’s not trying to get to an outcome.

It’s about really listening, from the heart. 

With practice the space between you gets safer and safer to speak from the heart.

This can truly transform your communication by building trust and intimacy.

Which then allows you to, at other times, more easily resolve issues that arise between you.

It’s pretty good for your sex life too!

The tantric communication practice is called Heart Sharing. It doesn’t have to look as formal as this image but it gives a sense of how tantric communication feels.

Heart Sharing 

How does it work?

  1. You sit opposite each other.
  2. Both partners take a moment to feel into their hearts. You can close your eyes or place a hand on your heart to do this. (This sounds corny but it works.)
  3. See yourself and the person opposite you as divine, empowered beings, creating their own realities. (Ditto.)
  4. One person shares for 3-5 minutes (It’s good to set a timer here).
  5. Once the first partner’s time is up, the listener just says thankyou, NOTHING more.
  6. Then you reset the timer and the second person has their turn, the same as above.

The Speaker

The speaker just speaks, whatever is there.

Without any agenda, or trying to get a particular response.

They really hear themselves more.

Which can help them gain insight into what they are actually putting out there.

A valuable tip is that if you run out of things to say, you just wait, until something else arises. If nothing does, you just sit in silence.

The Listener

The listener just listens. (Yes, God, the Universe or evolution DID give us two ears and one mouth for a reason!)

Whilst they listen, the listener focusses on their heart (keeping their hand their can help).

This helps them hear their partner from as open a place as possible.

The listener notices any inner response or reaction they might have, like those listed above. And instead of speaking or reacting they simply take a deep breath or two…This allows them to stay present with what is being said.

It’s more than just talking

Sitting opposite each other allows more non verbal communication to happen as well.

Heart to Heart communication

The important thing to remember is that this is NOT about AGREEING with your partner.

It’s about LISTENING.

It’s about believing that everyone benefits from being truly heard.

And that being seen is a form of being loved.

As we said, this practice is not about resolving your issues. It’s about building trust.

Over time your sharings will get more and more clear and heart centred

Because you will feel safe, seen and heard. 

With practice you can let go of the timer and just let each person hare until they feel complete. (However, if it starts to feel one sided it’s good to use the timer again).

It works for women because they can speak without needing to be fixed. As she hears herself she can get clearer in what she has to say.

It works for men because they have the space between the words to feel heard. Men can tune in to a woman’s body language without being overwhelmed by her words.

Trying to Create Change in Relationship is Hard

August 8, 2023 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

We’ll show you why failing isn’t a time to blame yourself…

In the information age there is SO much information out there to help us get what we want.

We can instantly Google information on any topic we need and get thousands, if not millions of responses.

A search on YouTube instantly reveals videos on absolutely any topic. From how to install venetian blinds to stopping your partner from snoring, to how to never be boring in conversation!

On relationships and sex too

We can find information on relationships from how to recover from infidelity to how to attract your soulmate. From how to balance the power dynamic in your relationship to learning your attachment style.

We can discover how to find your GSpot, and how to make the most of anal sex. Even snuff sex, tea bagging and more than you can ever possibly want to know.

All at the click of a button

Information can make us feel better because we feel like we’re doing something.

Afterall, knowledge is power.

We’re in information overload

But it’s a passive kind of action as we’re just taking information in, we’re not necessarily doing anything with it. Just letting our over clogged brains categorise it and file it, often never to be seen again. Information can help us fantasise about getting what we want, it helps by soothing our nervous systems for a while.

Yet, we need to DO something

Quality information can inspire us to actually DO something and make the changes in our lives we’re looking for.

Until the custom made settings in our psyches reassert themselves and we fall back into old habits.

And then we sadly often see ourselves, or our partners, as the cause of this failure. We judge ourselves, or them, as being inadequate or faulty.

Yet our failures are more often about not understanding the process of change, than not being able to change. (And yes, we realise that this is MORE information to take in!)

Change takes more than taking information in

It requires us to take action.

And the best actions are backed up by having a well rounded plan that includes all the different aspects of change that true change requires. Including the parts where we might look like we’re failing, but we’re really not.

Planning successfully for change

Step 1. Recognise that you don’t want what is happening any more. Like you really don’t want it. 

Step 2. Recognise that the pain of staying the same is greater than the fear, or the pain of change. This is an incredibly freeing place to get to.

Step 3. Discover what you really desire instead. Our desires can absolutely lead us in the direction we need to go. Even more than focussing on fixing what is wrong. Because we can get stuck on focussing on what is wrong and simply keep creating more of it.

Step 4. Formulate a clear and achievable goal, composed of your core desires. Along with any important accompanying smaller desires that arise in the process. Getting high quality information about your goal so that it feels actually achievable.

Step 5. Spend time exploring the 5 senses reality of what achieving your goal will look, feel, sound, taste and smell like. This is more than just mental fantasy. This is harnessing the power of the universe at a primal level.

Step 6. Believe in the possibility of your achieving this goal. Because if you don’t believe it, it won’t happen. This can be done by reflecting on areas in your life where you have already achieved a similar goal. Or where you have gained a real sense of achievement in any area of your life. This is so you start out feeling like a winner.

Step 7. Get clear about your obstacles, so you can be motivated to surmount them to take action. 

Step 8. Bring unaligned pieces of your body mind (usually held in your subconscious) into alignment.  This is so they don’t sabotage your efforts along the way.

Step 9. Feel worthy and deserving of achieving your goal by clearing out any opposite beliefs/feelings.

Step 10. Develop a clear map of the inner and outer work needed to achieve your goal. Then developing a plan of action to put those into your life.

Step 11. Setting up accountability, so you actually take the steps you have planned to.

Step 12. Celebrating your achievements along the way, large and small to keep you motivated.

This is the true value of having external support to hold space for you while you do this work of creating change. It applies whether you want to create more connection in your relationship, resolve unhealthy power dynamics or have more orgasms!

The most successful people in life have some kind of external support.

Support to:

  • help them thoroughly explore and get clear on their desires
  • formulate achievable goals
  • believe this goal is truly possible for them
  • clear any resistance to achieving their goal (that they couldn’t uncover by themselves)
  • bring into alignment any inner parts of them not on board
  • magnify their self worth and deservability
  • develop a clear plan of action
  • keep them accountable
  • celebrate the changes that they do make
  • be open to magic (surprise opportunities that come along)

Dealing with roadblocks

External support can provide a reminder that when we create change we will automatically create pushback. Either in ourselves, or in others.

A western view of this is that our psyches have a set point, just like our fridges do. When we put a whole load of new foods into our psyche in the form of change, we challenge it. Our psyche will work hard to return to its former set point (colder temperature).  It takes continued change to create a new normal, or a new set point.

An eastern viewpoint of this is that the universe will challenge us to really own what we want. It will do this by creating affronts to our new beliefs or actions as if to say “Are you really serious about this? Show me.” An affront might look like us deciding we are worthy of a goal. Then having someone immediately put us down and say “Who do you think you are to want this?”

Roadblocks are part of change rather than obstacles

In either case, continuing to affirm the changes we are making is the fastest route to real change. As is seeing the challenges as part of the change rather than an obstacle to it.

The other important aspect of change that having external support can help you with is celebrating the changes that do happen. Sometimes we can be so focussed achieving the end result we can forget to celebrate the steps along the way. Celebration has been scientifically proven to be highly motivating. When it’s real, no matter how small.

And remembering to have some fun along the way. This helps relax our nervous systems and make them ready for new challenges. Fun makes change happen more quickly and can allow more magic to happen!

Real change is not a quick fix

So if you are wanting to create change in your life, don’t beat yourself up if it doesn’t happen straight away.

Know that real change is a process, not a quick fix. Especially in a relationship. Where one person might be trying to change alone. Or both people might be trying to change together.

Supporting people to create lasting change is our passion

If you would like some support to be successful in creating the change you want contact us here or on 1800 TANTRA. 

Can You Allow Your Heart to Crack Open?

July 18, 2023 By Annette & Graeme 2 Comments

And what happens if it does?

When you choose to have your heart open, not what you might think.

We like to play it safe in relationship

It’s the fear of getting hurt in our intimate relationships.

We can get hurt in other areas of life and deal with it, but this one is the real biggie.

It leads us to consciously, and unconsciously, protect ourselves

To play it safe.

And we do stay safe.

But we don’t get what we truly want.

We miss out on what we want

Humanity has achieved incredible feats yet we still create great havoc and misery in intimacy.

We don’t get the love we signed up for.

We don’t get the love that pulls us out of ourselves, that gives us the sublime WOW factor we secretly long for.

What does happen?

So what DOES happen if you decide to really fully, exquisitely open your heart to your partner?

If you give it your all with no holding back.

Whether your partner does or not.

What happens is that you learn what it is like to have your heart open.

You get to live from your open heart

You want to be in service and devotion to your partner (two words that have become dirty in the age of ME).

They become more important than you.

At least part of the time.

You forgive them their mistakes.

And you give them opportunities to touch your heart again and again.

When you open your heart, YOU are actually opening YOUR heart.

At this level it is nothing to do with the other person.

It is you experiencing and learning what it is like to love.

It matters less what the other person does, it’s just you learning to live from your open heart.

Even if they leave, you still have your open heart.

To give to the next person. Or to invest in some other part of your life.

What we fear most is actually less painful than the pain we experience when we’re hurt with a closed heart.

Closed hearts create more suffering

When our hearts are closed it is so much easier to hold onto the story. To hold on to the suffering, the drama of what he did, she said, on and on back through time.

There is SO much pain in that closed hearted place fed by the ego. The pain is never ending as long as we choose it.

When our hearts are open and we are choosing love no matter what, it is scary but we choose to stay in the now.

We can feel the hurt, we can let it in and allow our magnificent hearts to heal it.

We can cry, scream, yell and rail at the universe but we get it. We heal.

We make love more important than the pain.  

We can create healed relationships with the one who hurt/left us.

We can own our part in what was created between us.

Our partners can be inspired to meet us there.

Sometimes we can even see our existing partners in a whole new light and fall in love with them all over again.

Not in a dewy eyed fairytale, but in something real, raw and open.

This is the next stage of relationship the world is waiting for.

Where we stop loving from the ego. From simply getting all its needs met and only giving when it suits us. Where we remain in control, protected and hiding our heart.

Where we stop looking for the bad in our partners so we can justify protecting ourselves. Where we can point the finger and say “See…look at what they did/are doing! I need to protect myself”

Where we start to see the good in our partners and stop pushing them away because our pain seeking selves are too scared to let them in.

Where we start taking care of our own nervous systems and choose safety, love and belonging, rather than hurt. Where we learn to surrender our defences.

Where we can do the work, own our worth, stop avoiding, stop people pleasing. Or any of the hundred and one ways we have to avoid love. 

Where we stand up to be counted and be someone who can be counted on in relationship.

Where we choose love over fear.

We can hear the cacophony of voices saying, but what if…? 

What if this kind of love isn’t real? 
What if our partners are not really worth loving this deep? 

What if they don’t return our love? 

What if love hurts?

We get it. It’s scary. 

We challenge you to not make it about the other person.

We invite you to look at your own capacity for love.

There is so much you can learn and heal and grow in.

And funnily enough, more safety to be found.

For support in navigating yourself to your open heart contact Annette and Graeme here

Cervical Orgasm: How to discover it

July 4, 2023 By Annette & Graeme 2 Comments

And why her cervical orgasm is great for both of you!

Most women have never experienced a cervical orgasm, or even know it is possible.

They mostly experience discomfort instead.

Resolving cervical discomfort will awaken the magic of this divine part of woman…

The cervix, that donut shaped gateway between the vagina and the womb is a place of magic. It forms the gateway between the vagina and womb; the genitals and the heart; and between sex and love; love and the divine. It also forms the gateway between the self and the transpersonal, that which lies beyond the ordinary mind. 

The cervix is the place where a woman can experience a cervical orgasm of deeply fulfilling pleasure.

It is also where she can experience a cervical orgasm of love, of her divinity.

Such an orgasm leaves a woman truly open, truly receptive, truly blossomed. Soft, vulnerable yet deeply powerful in her womanness. Exuding the divine love of the feminine.

That’s a whole lot of possibilities for such a little space! About 2.2cm or 1 inch long.

The experience described above is a rare, or even non existent one for most women.

But things are changing as the word is spreading. Just as it was once rare for a woman to experience her GSpot, so too is the cervix is coming into its own.

Mostly the cervix just hurts!

It is currently most common for a woman to experience her cervix as that “owy” spot somewhere deep inside her. The spot that is very uncomfortable in full and hard penetration.

The cervix needs time and attention to awaken.

The spot that is swabbed during a vaginal exam whilst a cold speculum lies in her vagina.

This makes her cervix mostly a spot a woman wants to move away from.

Even worse, a woman is likely to “tolerate” this discomfort, rather than ask for it to be changed. Because this is what women are good at.

A man is not necessarily aware of what is going on for her, or what they are both missing out on.

And so she misses out on its possibilities. They both do.

The cervix is not built for direct pressure

Woman in Pain

In lovemaking the cervix itself is too tender a place to receive too much pressure, or pounding. This is what causes the discomfort. Which leads to the cervix becoming numbed out in order to protect itself from pain. Or being overly sensitised by the pain, making it even more more painful.

There are 2 ways to pave the way for cervical orgasm

One is a practice that a woman can do for herself. 

And one that her lover can support her with that will be good for both of them. 

Her Practice for cervical orgasm

A woman can heal the numbness and pain in her cervix through her own sexual healing.

It is SO worth it. It is a very empowering and radically self loving way to open yourself to deep pleasure, love and transcendent experiences.

https://www.wandsoflust.com.au/collections/glass-wands

This is done using a crystal dildo, or glass wand, something that she can comfortably reach her cervix with. And her loving presence.

  • After creating a safe space, she can deep breathe and spend a few minutes dropping into her body.  
  • It might take a little while for her to “sense” her cervix.
  • She can then gently approach her cervix with the lubricated toy. Going slowly, letting the cervix relax.
  • Letting it soften onto the tool, whilst she breathes deeply, exhaling through her mouth.
  • If she encounters pain she can breathe and sound it out.
  • She can feel the emotions present there.
  • If there is numbness she can feel into it and ask it what lies beneath it.
  • She may connect with memories of past hurts or times when she missed out on pleasure.
  • She only needs to experience whatever is present with love and compassion, allowing it to heal and fill with pleasure rather than pain and numbness.

The number of times a woman needs to do this, for about 10mins each time, is different for each woman. Start x 10 mins daily x 7 days, or second daily, and feel what more is needed. Listen to your body.

For Her Lover to support cervical orgasm

Remember that is vital that a woman is fully aroused before any deep penetration is attempted. (Unlike what is portrayed in porn).

When she’s fully aroused, two sexy ligaments called the round ligaments will come into play. These ligaments attach to the top of the uterus and thread down to the labia majora (the outer lips). Their job is to keep the womb in a stable position, especially during pregnancy.

In lovemaking, when a woman is aroused her outer lips will swell. This causes the round ligaments to tighten and pull the cervix safely out of the way. This means that penetration can happen without the cervix getting too bumped. 

It also means her “A” and “P” spots will be stimulated pleasurably by deep penetration. These “spots” are formed at the front and back of the vaginal canal where the cervix slightly protrudes into it. See the yellow circle in the image on the right.

As the lover, you don’t have to worry too much about trying to hit the right “spots”.  Instead focus on giving the labia, not just the clitoris, some extra attention before going inside. She will love you for it. You can spend time massaging her A spot, which you’ll find in a similar way to her GSpot, just another 2 or 3 inches 5-7cm further in.

When you’re making love

Once you’re inside, approach the depths slowly. Spend some time going just a little way in and out at first, which stimulates the GSpot area. Then focus on being deeply inside and going slooww, relaxing your hips, moving them around in a circle, rather than thrusting. With those round ligaments tightening, elongating the vagina, you can both feel a delicious sense of being totally filled/totally filling. As you do this, imagine penetrating your woman with your heart as well as your lingam/cock/penis. This can feel incredibly powerful for you, as well as your woman.

Taking it easy

Having this focus on your woman can help you step out of having to rush to your own end. Instead you can enjoy each moment more. And again, she will love you for it. You won’t need to do it like this every time. But the more you do it the more she, and her body, will trust and open with you.

Mmm…yummy!!

Once this contact is feeling really good then deep, hard thrusting can feel exceptionally good for both of you. Instead of feeling her pulling back and shutting down you will feel her melting, opening and wanting more. And she will feel it too.

And you will have her eternal devotion.

All sorts of magic can happen from here- deep love, erotic wildness, cervical orgasm, transcendent bliss, anything is possible. 

Things too hard to put into words…

Not Getting What You Want in Sex? Maybe It’s Not in There!

June 20, 2023 By Annette & Graeme 2 Comments

You might be thinking you’re really hot to trot and you can’t wait to have some hot sex!

You might be feeling like sharing some orgasmic pleasure with the one you love.skin hunger is cured by sleeping together naked

Or, if you’re of the more enlightened type, you might be thinking you really desire to make love. To surrender into a beautiful place with your lover…

So…

the event happens.

And all the things you wanted to happen, happen.

Yet somehow soon after you have been left feeling unsatisfied, even disgruntled.

You might be left thinking that something was missing.

Or you may even have felt, or thought this, during the event.

You’ve got no idea why, or where to look for an answer.

Well, we’ve got the answer for you here

And it’s not likely because your lover did a bad job.

It happens because at a conscious level, you could see what you wanted and why.

Yet at an unconscious level, you were operating in a whole different way.

Your unconscious mind is very sneaky.

Well, it’s not really sneaky, it’s just that you can’t see it. It’s under the surface of your awareness.

Until it gets revealed by what seems like a lucky accident, which is really no accident at all.

As when you bite into an Anzac biscuit and get flooded with feelings and memories associated with the golden, crispy sweetness of Anzac biscuits in the past. Maybe even right back to childhood. Or, it might be an unlucky accident that takes us back to an unpleasant association, making our unconscious seem like a bad thing.

Your unconscious mind isn’t good or bad, as you’ll see, it’s just efficient

 

Our unconscious mind is not just this dark cupboard where things get stashed out of sight so we don’t have to deal with them.

Kind of like those now embarrassing fashion, or furniture choices we regret, or things we meant to throw out or repair, but never got around to it.

Our unconscious mind is not even a location. It’s a living, functioning psychological matrix.

Its job is to incorporate our unseen parts into a more integrated whole. So becoming aware of things that lie under your mind’s surface is not a lucky accident. It’s your unconscious mind at work.

No oral sex orgasm

 

How is this relevant to your lack of sexual fulfilment?

 

Your unconscious, ever the opportunist, can try and sneak your deeply held needs into sex, under the guise of sexual desire, in order to get them met. When the needs might not be about sex at all.

This not only detracts from the free flow of your life force energy and reduces your capacity for pleasure. It also leaves you more open to being hurt or triggered when these unconscious needs are met.

When you identify and acknowledge your unconscious needs they no longer act as blocks

If you’re not fully satisfied by the sex you’re having, ask yourself whether you’re really having sex to:

  • Be needed
  • Be validated
  • Get love
  • Act out or relieve shame
  • Express anger covertly
  • Be physically close but avoid intimacy
  • Have power over something/someone
  • Get high to avoid real life/relationship issues.

Do you feel any emotional or body response to any of the suggestions on this list? If so, they will be a good place to start looking.

One of the best ways to help you identify any unconscious needs in sex is through your emotions. As your emotions are messengers of your more primal, unconscious mind. Yet we mostly miss out on these gifts of understanding because we make these feelings wrong.

Making What You Feel Wrong

We all have moments in lovemaking where the pleasure, intensity, excitement or feelings of any kind seem to disappear, or even refuse to show up at all. Instead we can feel an emotion surfacing. We stuff it down, thinking that emotions aren’t cool in sex, missing an opportunity to learn about ourselves.

“Emotion plays an enormously important role in sexual desire, arousal and fulfilment. Feelings make sex matter.”
The Erotic Mind, Jack Morin

The emotion isn’t wrong, it just is. It’s your unconscious speaking.

How to Identify Your Unconscious Need:

Being with the truth of whatever is in the moment is the doorway to greater understanding.

  • take a moment to connect with the emotionThe art of self pleasure
  • focus on where the feeling is in your body
  • take a breath into that part
  • accept it as a messenger
  • Stay present with it until you get some insight into what is going on under the surface.

Then come back and start making love again if you want.

Or you can do this after the lovemaking, when the sense of something wrong or lacking about the sex you had arises.

It takes acceptance and acknowledgment

When you discover what the real need is for you under the sex, you can just acknowledge it.

To yourself, and if you wish, to your partner. Sometimes this is all that needs to happen, just acknowledgment.

If the need still feels real, you can go about getting it met in another way.

 

Leaving your lovemaking a clear space for pleasure, connection and love to flow.

Without it being highjacked by your unconscious.

And with the bonus of you feeling better about getting your needs met in an authentic way.

 

Holiday Sex: How to Create it at Home

May 30, 2023 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Holiday Sex:

Ever wondered why we have more sex on holidays than at home?

It is well known that even the most disconnected couples will have more sex, even better sex, when they are on holidays, rather than they do at home. Holiday sex somehow feels easier…

The reasons for great holiday sex are obvious

We have more time.

We’re more relaxed.Balinese Villa for great holiday sex

We can leave our stresses behind.

We’re in a different environment, often one that is physically beautiful.

Our partners are likely more receptive.

On holidays we get more present with each other meaning our desire starts to perk up and get our attention.

Permanent holidays aren’t possible

Sadly, most of us are unable to be on a permanent holiday and continually have the best sex of our lives.

And even if we were, the familiarity of that would eventually lose its fire. Unless of course, we learned fabulous tantric tips to keep the fires burning along the way…

Creating the holiday sex feeling at home

But there is a lot that we can do at home that can help us bring in that holiday feeling at home. Whilst sparking things up in the bedroom for some great holiday sex.

  • reduce the stress in your life by getting some exercise, managing your emotions, try meditation, set clear goals and boundaries, set up automatic bill pay.
  • Set aside a time to connect sexually and stick to it, the way you would a medical or hairdresser’s appt. Allow at least an hour, preferably two, so there is no rush.
  • Turn your bedroom be a haven from the rest of the world. It doesn’t have to be as exotic as those shown in the Netflix series “How To Build A Sex Room”. Just having a tidy bedroom, a candle lit and some soft music playing can make a difference.
  • Each of you have a shower, wear something sexy, or sensual, something different to what you usually would.
  • Here is the most important part: Come to the space without any expectations or agendas. Other than to enjoy yourselves and each other, whatever this looks like. Expectations are the biggest killers of desire. Expectations set up a sense of obligation, which really is a passion killer.
  • Be willing to be with each other “in the moment”.

Begin with connection

Start with facing each other and one at a time sharing one or more of the following:

  • 3 things that you appreciate about your partner. This helps to open your hearts and build the connection between you. Spend x 5 mins gently gazing into each others eyes.
  • one fear, one boundary (something that you might not feel up for today) and one desire.
  • Sit in yabyum- one partner sits in the others’ lap with their legs wrapped around their partner’s hips. Both wrap your arms around each other with palms flat on your partner’s body. You can connect our foreheads if you wish. Breath deeply here for x 5 mins. This allows all of your major energy centres to connect.

Two different ways to start getting creative

Now you’ve made your appointment, created the space, shown up on time and got connected. How do you ensure/enhance your sexual desire?

Here are a couple of suggestions for creating that holiday feel in sex at home:

Awakening your 5 senses

  • This is a traditional tantric practice. It works because it helps to turn off the thinking part of your mind and awaken the feeling, sensual part.
  • Sight: have soft lighting so you can see and appreciate each others bodies.
  • Sound: have some soft or sensual music playing. Or whisper loving, playful or tantalising things to each other.
  • Smell: wear a perfume or have scented oils in the air.
  • Taste: have a variety of simple flavours to taste- chocolate, strawberries, ginger
  • Touch: try a variety of touches- soft, sensual, firmer, slooow, faster, scratches, slaps (with consent). Try tantric touch- just Try touching with feathers, paddles, ice.
  • We would add here playing with your breath- deep and slow, short and fast (for short periods). Try nose/mouth , or open mouth breathing. How you breathe changes your sexual experience.
  • Optional- having the receiving partner wear a blindfold.

Feel into what your desires might be

  • Each person feels into themselves and their bodies and notices what their desires are.
  • Desires based in the body, rather than the mind are less likely to be expectations.
  • When we include awareness of what our body’s are feeling we can discover a whole range of helpful ideas.

Start with where you are at, without making it wrong. For example:

  • one person may notice they are feeling really tired. The question then is, what do they need to shift into a space more available for making love? Maybe something to snack on, a drink, a shower, a massage.
  • One person may be feeling resentful, or scared. The question here is again, what does this person need to come into the space? Perhaps a stomp around the room with clenched fists and few growls to help release the resentment (this works better than sharing, as talking resentment can be a downer, unless you think the space between you can hold that. If it is anxiety, maybe the person just needs a space to be heard in their fears or to be held.
  • One person may be feeling flat and uninspired. Open mouthed breathing x 5 mins can really wake up your energy.  Maybe some child’s play could help eg. playful wrestling and growling, free dancing to their favourite music, doing some deep breathing and full body shaking.
  • Maybe both people are feeling a bit disconnected from each other. In this case sitting opposite each other, looking into each other’s’ eyes and sharing 3 things that you are grateful to the other person for can create connection.

You get the idea- exploring the opposite energy to what the person is in can provide a shift in it. Without the person having to pretend they’re into making love, when they’re really not. Or force themselves into going along.

You’ve created that special space for holiday sex right in your own home

Without having to leave home!

One that will keep your sexual connection going until your next holiday comes along.

Where the sex will be even better, as you’re going there already sexually connected!

Managing Stress In Your Relationship

March 16, 2023 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Where tantra meets neuroscience…

It’s a good time right now to talk about managing stress, as there is plenty of it going around…financially, emotionally and relationally…

In the current world climate, it can be easy to find yourself shouting at your partner and hating the very sight of them. You might be believing they’re somehow failing you, or you are somehow failing them. You might be feeling unsafe, rather than wanting to be close, loving and intimate. You might be feeling stuck, rather than free, easy, holding space for your partner and yourself to be just as you are…

To manage stress, even to become a master of stress resiliency, you first need to understand it. This is where neuroscience can help.

Neuroscience reminds us there are two facets of stress- both the stress and the stressor.

And there are two kinds of solutions- the external and the internal.

Let’s start with understanding the difference between the stress and the stressor.

The stressors are the things that activate a stress response in your body, by indicating they can do you harm.

A stressor can be anything you see, hear, smell taste, touch, feel or imagine.

A stressor can be external to you:

  • a difficult conversation with your partner or your boss
  • a bill arriving in your Inboxwoman sleeping at washing machine
  • the latest home loan interest rate rise
  • an expectation of your culture for you to behave a certain way as husband, or wife
  • a smell that reminds you of an unpleasant encounter
  • an unwelcome touch
  • a reasonable request for attention from your partner that you do not have the energy to meet.

There are also internal stressors:

  • self criticismMan fearing the misunderstood cock
  • lack of self worth
  • lack of sleep
  • unresolved feelings from your last argument
  • memories
  • uncertainties about the future.

The stress is the neurological and physiological shift that happens when you meet one of these stressors.

It’s the rush of neurological and hormonal activity generated by your body, in its evolutionary adaptive response that helps us survive threats. Where we become instantly more switched on, focussed in the moment, ready to deal with whatever looms before us.

Whether it’s to run, fight or freeze.

We also experience a range of feelings such as annoyance, frustration, anger, anxiety, uncertainty, fear, numbness, sluggishness, disconnected.

Our entire body and mind changes in order to deal with this threat, perceived or real.

As we know, most of our threats are more psychological than physical these days. Unless you are unlucky enough to be a victim of a crime or domestic violence.Couples Communication getting violent

Once our stress response sees that it has been successful in dealing with the threat it relaxes, and there is relief or celebration. We then return to our normal resting and sociable state. All is right with the world and we once again feel safe.

Our stress response is built to be a short term response.

It’s meant to be immediately resolved.

Our stress response is not meant to be long term.

In modern life we have fewer life threatening stressors, but many more frequent ones.

Frequent small stressors make relationships complicated.

Because we might want to run away from our partner at times, in order to resolve our stress.Couples Communication can quickly get messy

Or to throw our wine in their face or strike out at them in the perceived (and occasionally real) threat they represent to us.

Yet we can’t.

We’re supposed to be nice, connected and loving.

And to stay in relationship with this person.

So we need more effective ways of dealing with the situation rather than just relying on our stress response.

Particularly as unresolved stress becomes chronic.

Our stress response keeps activating and we become stuck in the stress cycle.Boredom in the bedroom

We can unconsciously start to see our partner as a source of threat, rather than one of love, support and desire.

Leaving us feeling unsafe.

Making us want to protect ourselves, rather than reach out.

Chronic stress has many physical impacts

Chronic stress can leave us with high blood pressure and heart disease. It can have us reaching for the antacid tablets as the blood rushes to our muscles rather than our gut. This is so we can flee or fight, rather than our stomach digest, a secondary concern in times of stress. Blood doesn’t flow to our genitals as much either, for that matter. Chronic stress also leaves our immune functioning lowered and our sleep poor. Overall leaving us less equipped to deal with, or enjoy life.

Chronic stress can also leave us effectively “playing dead”. When the gazelle can no longer out run the lion, it plays dead. This is in the hope the lion will lose interest and leave it alone. In chronic stress playing dead can leave us feeling stuck and unmotivated, with no answers, nor ability to find any.

The impact of unresolved stress is pretty damning.

So how do we deal with BOTH the stress and the stressor?

We approach it from two different angles.

We find external solutions that deal with the stressor.

ie. we find the modern day equivalent of running from the lion.

We refinance our home loan, adjust our budget spending, change jobs, take time out until we can re-engage with our loved one, or we ask for help.

We make the time to share with our partners what is going on for us. We make the effort to listen non judgmentally when our partners share. We come back to a place of connection.

Even more importantly, we find internal solutions to clear the stress.

The physiological impact of stress that we still carry in all parts of our bodies. Even our hearts, minds and genitals.

The good news is that clearing our stress internally allows us to come up with easier external solutions. This is because we come back into safety and connection with more of our executive brain function.

Let’s get physical

We can do this firstly by getting physical. It’s the most efficient way to deal with stress.Hula hoop boundaries

Doing between 30-60 mins of exercise a day, in whatever form works for you. Whether it includes taking the stairs, going for a walk or run, having a game, doing a workout.

It’s even more efficient when we’re doing it with intent. Going for a run, or a bike ride, or dancing around the living room, actively knowing we’re releasing our stress.

There are other ways too.

Ways that are more tantric. Such as:

  • deep breathing
  • meditating
  • having a good cry (watch your fave weepy movie)
  • throwing a temper tantrum to safely release anger (in a private space)(very tantric!)
  • expressing your feelings creatively through journaling or art
  • getting a good nights restFreedom after healing sexual abuse
  • having positive social interactions. This is where connecting with your girlfriends, or your mates, can be a more effective stress reliever than your partner. (Provided you don’t just whinge about your partners.
  • having a good laugh (hang out with friends or watch your fave funny movie)

You can also choose to promote stress relief WITHIN your relationship

This kind of intimacy also works beyond the level of the mind to show you that you are once again safe.
Creating safety and connection at the same time.

You can do this through affection, by hugging each other until you’re BOTH relaxed for example.

Or lying together and deep breathing.

Or as relationship researcher John Gottman suggests, doing the six second kiss.

You need to connect to the part of you that still loves this person (trusting that you do in there somewhere) to be able to complete these suggestions.

You can even occasionally have sex to help relieve tension.

Be aware that having this kind of sex consistently drains energy from your pleasure, and from your relationship. It is much better for your sex life, and your relationship, to come to sex already relaxed and connected.

Each of these solutions are backed by scientific research.

They’re also supported by tantric philosophy that sees stress as withheld energy that needs clearing, making way for pleasure and connection to arise.

You’ll know you’ve cleared your stress because you’ll feel clear, alive, safe, ready and able to connect with the world again.

Bringing us home to ourselves, to life, and to each other again.

a couple scaling heights

If you would like support to become stress resilient in your relationships contact us here and we’ll support you in finding your unique way forward.

Celebrating Your Relationship: What are the Benefits and How to do it

November 30, 2022 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Did you know that celebrating your relationship can actually enhance it??

Often when we actively focus on our intimate relationships we focus on what is wrong with them.

This might be because when everything is going ok we tend to put them on automatic pilot.

We unconsciously believe that our relationships will take care of themselves and that they will always be there when we want them. Kind of like falling back into our favourite old sofa with the faded cushions, or our favourite David Bowie tshirt worn soft  with washing.

This is SO not true.

Our relationships are a reflection of ourselves.

And like us, they’re a force of nature that is always changing.

Our relationships are either growing or dying, they’re never standing still.

That’s why taking the time to celebrate them is a good thing.

It helps them to grow. Celebrating our relationships is like sprinkling them with a dose of water, sunshine and a dash of Miracle-Gro.

This might sound like a fairly superficial thing to do.celebrating your relationship

Yet researchers at Stanford University in the US have found celebration has such a positive effect it’s set to become the next big thing, the new wave of gratitude.

Why is this so?

Well, it’s partly because we so often focus on the negative, or fear producing parts of our relationships.

We do this because our minds most instinctive response is to protect us, to keep us safe, in order to procreate the species.

And to show us where change is needed. Fear = action = change.

The downside of this protection is that can make our relationships appear in our minds to be more negative than they really are. Which is reinforced by something called confirmation bias. Our minds keep looking for what is familiar that make it seem true. This is our tendency to interpret new evidence as confirmation of our existing beliefs or theories.

Which can lead us to feeling stuck in our relationships.

We just ruminate on the bad bits without actually doing anything constructive to change what’s not working.

a happy coupleThis mindset can also lead us to unconsciously see our partners as a source of pain, rather than one of love or pleasure. Which causes us to unconsciously put up walls to protect ourselves when we’re around them.

Which makes deep intimacy, the place where our walls come down a little (or a lot) so we can connect with each other, seem scary. At least, scarier than it otherwise might be.

Deep intimacy always involves a little bit of fear, because of its very nature. It’s more than just sharing our time, company and points of view. It’s about revealing parts of ourselves we otherwise keep hidden from the world.

So, celebrating our relationships works at many levels to enhance them.

Celebrating reminds us of what is good in our intimate relationships.

Celebration not only makes us feel good, it draws us closer together. Because it helps us to open our hearts. It even works on our unconscious mind. It helps this part of us to see our partner as a positive source of love and pleasure. This helps us drop our walls around them a bit more, creating more rewarding intimacy.

How DO we go about celebrating our relationships?

It doesn’t have to be anything large.

The main thing is that it is genuine.

It can be:

  • As simple as taking the time to hold your partner and look them in the eye. Then saying “Out of all the people in the world I’m really glad I am sharing my life with you
  • Reflect on some wonderful times you’ve had together (even if they were a long time ago).
  • Having dinner together, getting dressed up, making it a special occasion. Doing it with the intention of celebrating your relationship
  • Buying your partner some flowers, or a small, meaningful gift you madea couple scaling heights
  • Trying a new adventure activity together- hiking, skiing etc
  • Go out for ice cream in your pyjamas
  • Reflect on the your best lovemaking experience- what made it great?
  • Go to the beach and build a sandcastle that reflects your relationship
  • Read parts of a steamy novel to each other
  • Make love slooowly- whilst celebrating all the times you have made love together celebrating making love
  • Play hide and seek- spice it up!
  • Watch a sunset or gaze at the stars or the moon together
  • Do couples yoga
  • Play “never have I ever” and learn something new about each other
  • Write each other a love letter
  • Have a photo shoot, take playful shots of each other and make a collage
  • Do whatever it is that is fun for the two of YOU.

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Graeme 0457 966 696
Annette 0437 966 696

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