Relationships Archives - Relationship & Sexuality Counselling Specialists

Managing Stress In Your Relationship

March 16, 2023 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Where tantra meets neuroscience…

It’s a good time right now to talk about managing stress, as there is plenty of it going around…financially, emotionally and relationally…

In the current world climate, it can be easy to find yourself shouting at your partner and hating the very sight of them. You might be believing they’re somehow failing you, or you are somehow failing them. You might be feeling unsafe, rather than wanting to be close, loving and intimate. You might be feeling stuck, rather than free, easy, holding space for your partner and yourself to be just as you are…

To manage stress, even to become a master of stress resiliency, you first need to understand it. This is where neuroscience can help.

Neuroscience reminds us there are two facets of stress- both the stress and the stressor.

And there are two kinds of solutions- the external and the internal.

Let’s start with understanding the difference between the stress and the stressor.

The stressors are the things that activate a stress response in your body, by indicating they can do you harm.

A stressor can be anything you see, hear, smell taste, touch, feel or imagine.

A stressor can be external to you:

a difficult conversation with your partner or your boss
a bill arriving in your Inbox
the latest home loan interest rate rise
an expectation of your culture for you to behave a certain way as husband, or wife
a smell that reminds you of an unpleasant encounter
an unwelcome touch
a reasonable request for attention from your partner that you do not have the energy to meet.

There are also internal stressors:

self criticism
lack of self worth
lack of sleep
unresolved feelings from your last argument
memories
uncertainties about the future.

The stress is the neurological and physiological shift that happens when you meet one of these stressors.

It’s the rush of neurological and hormonal activity generated by your body, in its evolutionary adaptive response that helps us survive threats. Where we become instantly more switched on, focussed in the moment, ready to deal with whatever looms before us.

Whether it’s to run, fight or freeze.

We also experience a range of feelings such as annoyance, frustration, anger, anxiety, uncertainty, fear, numbness, sluggishness, disconnected.

Our entire body and mind changes in order to deal with this threat, perceived or real.

As we know, most of our threats are more psychological than physical these days. Unless you are unlucky enough to be a victim of a crime or domestic violence.

Once our stress response sees that it has been successful in dealing with the threat it relaxes, and there is relief or celebration. We then return to our normal resting and sociable state. All is right with the world and we once again feel safe.

Our stress response is built to be a short term response.

It’s meant to be immediately resolved.

Our stress response is not meant to be long term.

In modern life we have fewer life threatening stressors, but many more frequent ones.

Frequent small stressors make relationships complicated.

Because we might want to run away from our partner at times, in order to resolve our stress.

Or to throw our wine in their face or strike out at them in the perceived (and occasionally real) threat they represent to us.

Yet we can’t.

We’re supposed to be nice, connected and loving.

And to stay in relationship with this person.

So we need more effective ways of dealing with the situation rather than just relying on our stress response.

Particularly as unresolved stress becomes chronic.

Our stress response keeps activating and we become stuck in the stress cycle. Boredom in the bedroom

We can unconsciously start to see our partner as a source of threat, rather than one of love, support and desire.

Leaving us feeling unsafe.

Making us want to protect ourselves, rather than reach out.

Chronic stress has many physical impacts

Chronic stress can leave us with high blood pressure and heart disease. It can have us reaching for the antacid tablets as the blood rushes to our muscles rather than our gut. This is so we can flee or fight, rather than our stomach digest, a secondary concern in times of stress. Blood doesn’t flow to our genitals as much either, for that matter. Chronic stress also leaves our immune functioning lowered and our sleep poor. Overall leaving us less equipped to deal with, or enjoy life.

Chronic stress can also leave us effectively “playing dead”. When the gazelle can no longer out run the lion, it plays dead. This is in the hope the lion will lose interest and leave it alone. In chronic stress playing dead can leave us feeling stuck and unmotivated, with no answers, nor ability to find any.

The impact of unresolved stress is pretty damning.

So how do we deal with BOTH the stress and the stressor?

We approach it from two different angles.

We find external solutions that deal with the stressor.

ie. we find the modern day equivalent of running from the lion.

We refinance our home loan, adjust our budget spending, change jobs, take time out until we can re-engage with our loved one, or we ask for help.

We make the time to share with our partners what is going on for us. We make the effort to listen non judgmentally when our partners share. We come back to a place of connection.

Even more importantly, we find internal solutions to clear the stress.

The physiological impact of stress that we still carry in all parts of our bodies. Even our hearts, minds and genitals.

The good news is that clearing our stress internally allows us to come up with easier external solutions. This is because we come back into safety and connection with more of our executive brain function.

Let’s get physical

We can do this firstly by getting physical. It’s the most efficient way to deal with stress. Hula hoop boundaries

Doing between 30-60 mins of exercise a day, in whatever form works for you. Whether it includes taking the stairs, going for a walk or run, having a game, doing a workout.

It’s even more efficient when we’re doing it with intent. Going for a run, or a bike ride, or dancing around the living room, actively knowing we’re releasing our stress.

There are other ways too.

Ways that are more tantric. Such as:

deep breathing
meditating
having a good cry (watch your fave weepy movie)
throwing a temper tantrum to safely release anger (in a private space)(very tantric!)
expressing your feelings creatively through journaling or art
getting a good nights rest
having positive social interactions. This is where connecting with your girlfriends, or your mates, can be a more effective stress reliever than your partner. (Provided you don’t just whinge about your partners.
having a good laugh (hang out with friends or watch your fave funny movie)

You can also choose to promote stress relief WITHIN your relationship

This kind of intimacy also works beyond the level of the mind to show you that you are once again safe.
Creating safety and connection at the same time.

You can do this through affection, by hugging each other until you’re BOTH relaxed for example.

Or lying together and deep breathing.

Or as relationship researcher John Gottman suggests, doing the six second kiss.

You need to connect to the part of you that still loves this person (trusting that you do in there somewhere) to be able to complete these suggestions.

You can even occasionally have sex to help relieve tension.

Be aware that having this kind of sex consistently drains energy from your pleasure, and from your relationship. It is much better for your sex life, and your relationship, to come to sex already relaxed and connected.

Each of these solutions are backed by scientific research.

They’re also supported by tantric philosophy that sees stress as withheld energy that needs clearing, making way for pleasure and connection to arise.

You’ll know you’ve cleared your stress because you’ll feel clear, alive, safe, ready and able to connect with the world again.

Bringing us home to ourselves, to life, and to each other again.

If you would like support to become stress resilient in your relationships contact us here and we’ll support you in finding your unique way forward.

Celebrating Your Relationship: What are the Benefits and How to do it

November 30, 2022 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Did you know that celebrating your relationship can actually enhance it??

Often when we actively focus on our intimate relationships we focus on what is wrong with them.

This might be because when everything is going ok we tend to put them on automatic pilot.

We unconsciously believe that our relationships will take care of themselves and that they will always be there when we want them. Kind of like falling back into our favourite old sofa with the faded cushions, or our favourite David Bowie tshirt worn soft with washing.

This is SO not true.

Our relationships are a reflection of ourselves.

And like us, they’re a force of nature that is always changing.

Our relationships are either growing or dying, they’re never standing still.

That’s why taking the time to celebrate them is a good thing.

It helps them to grow. Celebrating our relationships is like sprinkling them with a dose of water, sunshine and a dash of Miracle-Gro.

This might sound like a fairly superficial thing to do.

Yet researchers at Stanford University in the US have found celebration has such a positive effect it’s set to become the next big thing, the new wave of gratitude.

Why is this so?

Well, it’s partly because we so often focus on the negative, or fear producing parts of our relationships.

We do this because our minds most instinctive response is to protect us, to keep us safe, in order to procreate the species.

And to show us where change is needed. Fear = action = change.

The downside of this protection is that can make our relationships appear in our minds to be more negative than they really are. Which is reinforced by something called confirmation bias. Our minds keep looking for what is familiar that make it seem true. This is our tendency to interpret new evidence as confirmation of our existing beliefs or theories.

Which can lead us to feeling stuck in our relationships.

We just ruminate on the bad bits without actually doing anything constructive to change what’s not working.

a happy couple This mindset can also lead us to unconsciously see our partners as a source of pain, rather than one of love or pleasure. Which causes us to unconsciously put up walls to protect ourselves when we’re around them.

Which makes deep intimacy, the place where our walls come down a little (or a lot) so we can connect with each other, seem scary. At least, scarier than it otherwise might be.

Deep intimacy always involves a little bit of fear, because of its very nature. It’s more than just sharing our time, company and points of view. It’s about revealing parts of ourselves we otherwise keep hidden from the world.

So, celebrating our relationships works at many levels to enhance them.

Celebrating reminds us of what is good in our intimate relationships.

Celebration not only makes us feel good, it draws us closer together. Because it helps us to open our hearts. It even works on our unconscious mind. It helps this part of us to see our partner as a positive source of love and pleasure. This helps us drop our walls around them a bit more, creating more rewarding intimacy.

How DO we go about celebrating our relationships?

It doesn’t have to be anything large.

The main thing is that it is genuine.

It can be:

As simple as taking the time to hold your partner and look them in the eye. Then saying “Out of all the people in the world I’m really glad I am sharing my life with you
Reflect on some wonderful times you’ve had together (even if they were a long time ago).
Having dinner together, getting dressed up, making it a special occasion. Doing it with the intention of celebrating your relationship
Buying your partner some flowers, or a small, meaningful gift you made
Trying a new adventure activity together- hiking, skiing etc
Go out for ice cream in your pyjamas
Reflect on the your best lovemaking experience- what made it great?
Go to the beach and build a sandcastle that reflects your relationship
Read parts of a steamy novel to each other
Make love slooowly- whilst celebrating all the times you have made love together
Play hide and seek- spice it up!
Watch a sunset or gaze at the stars or the moon together
Do couples yoga
Play “never have I ever” and learn something new about each other
Write each other a love letter
Have a photo shoot, take playful shots of each other and make a collage
Do whatever it is that is fun for the two of YOU.

Relationship Breakdown, our National Tragedy

February 28, 2020 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Not Dealing With Relationship Breakdown

is

Our Hidden National Tragedy

Written For

https://intimaterelationships.com.au

Australians are reeling from the recent horrible & tragic consequences of a relationship breakdown in Brisbane, where a husband and father brutally murdered his wife and three small children, before stabbing himself to death.

There can never be an excuse for this kind of act.

Police had been involved

Prior to this horrific incident, police had been involved in this couples’ relationship breakdown, and had advised both of them to seek support regarding domestic violence and an ongoing dispute over child access.

Soon after this violent incident in Brisbane, an obviously distraught police investigator, who was involved at the scene of the crime, stated in a media interview:

“Is this an issue of a woman suffering significant domestic violence and her and her children perishing at the hands of the husband, or is it an instance of a husband being driven too far by issues he’s suffered by certain circumstances into committing acts of this form?”

He has since been stood down for these remarks.

Listen to His Words..

What is happening to the system

What has happened to a system designed to support both the people (and children) involved in a relationship breakdown in a fair, humane and equitable manner, or has the system itself become part of the problem?

My own personal experience of this system

My own personal experience of dealing with this system as a man back in 2000 pushed me to the edge, where I was out in the paddock with a gun, ready to end it all.

I believe this recent incident has brought further to the surface, the ugly side of how the complex issues of relationship breakdown are poorly understood and handled.

Information available has limitations

In writing this article, I have spent many hours searching, reading and deciphering statistics, statistics and more statistics.

One thing from that search became very clear: relationship breakdown and domestic violence are not gender issues, but people issues.

Finding an accurate picture is still very difficult, when (according to the ABS2017, Australian Bureau of Statistics) 87% of women don’t report domestic violence to the police and neither do 97% of men.

The reliable statistics we do have come from hospitalisation, coroner and police reports. The ABS2017 itself comments that their available data is limited, and are broadening their survey questions in an attempt to capture more of this picture.

Male suicide is barely the tip of the iceberg

Beyondblue survey has found Ambulance data indicates 30,197 attendances for men who attempted or had suicidal thoughts between 2015 – 16, yet hospital figures identified only @10,000.

“This study tells us that what we know about male suicide is just the tip of the iceberg” Beyond Blue Chair, Julia Gillard.

According to ABS2017, relationship breakdown is the common denominator for both men and women in exposure to violence, with 39% of women and 35% of men experiencing partner violence after separation.

An unpalatable truth

Surely these statistics show a perhaps unpalatable truth in the current social and political climate: that BOTH gendered partners are equally capable of unspeakable acts of violence and cruelty, in the common and highly volatile fuelled up and emotionally charged state of relationship breakdown.

See this next Link about the 2017 tragedy in Cairns, were Raina Thaiday murdered eight children in her care, aged from 27 months to 14 years, 4 boys and 4 girls. Seven of these children were her own, and a niece.

Police are forced to act

In my work as a Relationship Counsellor, I have regularly spoken to members of the police force involved in the hands on aspect of relationship breakdown.

They say that often they’re taking the wrong person ie. the man, away in handcuffs, where it is obvious that both people have been involved in creating the situation.

Making domestic violence a purely gender issue, and heaping all the blame and responsibility onto men, is I believe, making a bad situation worse.

We have a people problem, rather than a gender problem.

With partner violence, a woman is murdered every 6 days and a male every 10 days, yet when all other family members are included, such as children and siblings, victim numbers become relatively even.

My own experience of relationship breakdown

As a partner and parent, I went through my own relationship breakdown in 2000.

I still struggle to put into words the lasting effects of the systematic cruelty I experienced simply because I was a male. I lost my kids, I went from being full time with them to being ‘granted’ 4 days a month.

I was devastated, I spoke up and was simply told “this is the best things for the kids.”

How could I argue with that?

I still have those lawyer letters…

Under this system, my feelings were used against me

My emotionality, the fact I had feelings was used against me, I was devastated, deeply hurting and just plain lost didn’t matter.

My wife and her lawyer deemed I was unfit to have any increase in custody and even threatened an intervention order if I breached any of the ‘list of rules’, such as driving onto the property to pick my kids up.

I was forced to park out on the road, hundreds of meters away.

My solicitor was blunt when she cautioned me my actions or reactions were teaching and influencing my kids in how man treats women.

I had nowhere to go

My hands were tied with nowhere to go, but to suck it up.
Something died in me during this time.

My sense of loss and helplessness was, and still is painful even 20 years later.

Prior to our separation, as our long-term marriage faltered, we sought help.

During our couples counselling, I had my first gob smacking exposure to this undercurrent of bigoted ignorance towards men.

Why wasn’t I asked the same question ?

Our young woman counsellor asked my wife if she had ever been hit, or had experienced any form physical abuse or violence from me, to which she said no.

The counsellor moved on and I interrupted her and asked why didn’t she ask me that same question?

She just looked at me, as if I had suddenly contracted a contagious disease, then continued to move on.

I interrupted her and said that I had been hit on several occasions by my wife and what did she have to say about that?

Without a pause, she continued on with her diatribe and I lost much interest in couples counselling, even though we did try several others with even less success.

Some therapists make better truck drivers

Looking back, I see it now as total incompetence in relationship counselling, and I believe some therapists would make better truck drivers.

I see too that poor therapy is very damaging and that having no therapy is safer than bad therapy.

This is an article from ABC on poor therapy

Decades later, this whole event still saddens me.

My 3 children were also hurting and confused at that time. They felt then, and still feel, that I had abandoned them.

I didn’t want to end up in police custody

At their age, I couldn’t tell them what was really happening.

I wouldn’t say that I couldn’t see them simply because I was told by their mother and her lawyer that this is the way it is done.

And I didn’t say that any attempt by me to see more of them would most likely land me in police custody.

The local school could see what was happening, and suggested I come and sit with my children at school, especially my youngest.

My emotion was intense, my youngest just sat on my knee, clung to me and we both cried and cried. I only did this a couple of times, as it was too disruptive for everyone, including her class and teacher.

For me, losing access to my children, created in me a sense of powerlessness, overwhelm and pain that was and still is indescribable.

I am still shocked, decades later how cruel the system still is

I still shocked today, decades later, how heartless and inadequate our system was, and still is for vulnerable men who are hurting.

At no point during the first 18 months of separation was I given any credit or acknowledgement that I loved my kids or that I had a right to see them.

I was the token male whose sole function was purely for financial support and how dare I have feelings for my kids…

My access was measured and limited by financial reasons.

If I was allowed more than a certain number of days per year, the amount I paid would be reduced, which was determined by their mother and her lawyer.

My experience with the Family Law system was beyond belief, every step in this process took months and cost 000’s, with a greedy, heartless and extremely predatory legal system supporting it.

Meeting the Child Support Agency

After separation my ex’s legal genius advised her to remove all joint money and freeze all our bank accounts, in spite that I had agreed and supported her managing business accounts and finances.

On top of lost access, my cash and business accounts had gone or were frozen, despite having a business to run, to live plus child support to pay.

Now I just had to do it with no funds, business or other financial means.

I contacted the Child Support Agency explaining my situation.

They were very clear and stated that my next payment was due next week and they expected it to be made, otherwise there would be penalties.

There was no offer of support or guidance, just a simple threat “pay up or else, and it’s not our problem…”

That really pissed me off.

During the first 3-4 months of hell and indescribable agony of separation, I was slowly and steadily sliding into a deep dark hole.

I was in a bad way

I was unaware of my decline, I was in a bad way.

I remember a conversation at this time with my parents, about what was happening

They refused to believe it and declined to help me, stating that my ex “would never do a thing like that”.

I felt betrayed, I walked out and never had a conversation about that or much else with them again.

A few days later, I was out in the paddock with a gun, ready to end it all.

I held my breath and was about to pull the trigger, when the family dog jumped into the front of my ute with me and broke that spell.

I ended up out on the ground, vomiting, and I think I must have blacked out, as when I came out of it the dog was lying beside me with its head resting on my chest.

I broke into tears at the sheer helplessness of my situation.

From that point, I started to climb out my black hole.

I rang Lifeline later that day and a friend was on duty and I spilled my story.

As a current and active Lifeline counsellor, I knew Lifeline was absolutely brilliant, it is free, confidential & 24/7 for any phone call.

Plus, they have one of the most comprehensive computerised data bases of all local services available for people in crisis, like me.

My friends at Lifeline knew something was happening in my life, and after that call, my support really kicked in.

From that moment in time, I threw myself into every kind of self-learning and personal development I could lay my hands on so I could do better than just survive.

Some of this learning happened on weekends.

My ex refused to swap these weekends with me so I missed out on several with my kids during this healing phase, her routine was more important than kids seeing their father.

This meant sometimes four, and at one point six weeks between visits, even though they lived locally.

I will never get that time back.

If I was successful in my ‘attempt’ to end it all, nobody would have known my agony or my reasons, and most likely my actions would have been put down to a ‘mental illness’.

Even today, only a handful of people know my story and how I felt during that time.

Man up

It’s as if “men don’t have feelings, so man up and get over it…”.

Even life long friends bailed out of my life during that time.

From my own personal experience with this systematic form of ignorance, cruelty and torture, I understand (but do not excuse) how men take their own lives or, God forbid, act out something much worse.

According to the Australia Brotherhood of Fathers , 21 men in Australia commit suicide each week as a result of relationship breakdown and our Family Law System.

Out of a total of @ 2,700 Australian (ABS2017) men who suicide each year, that’s over 1000 lives annually, lost to systematic ignorance and cruelty.

Continuing a one sided approach in managing our national tragedy of relationship breakdown and domestic violence is clearly not working.

We have a people problem, not a gender problem..

Couple Communication: Finding the Gifts in your Messiness

June 24, 2019 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

We often call couples communication the finer art of the shit fight.

This is because it can get messy at the speed of light!

Part of the skill in couple communication is in learning how to get better at staying out of the messiness.

Another important part is getting better at dealing with the messiness once you’re there.

Problems in communication are usually seen as the No.1 issue in relationships.

If effective communication in an intimate relationship was easy, everybody would be doing it. But if it isn’t don’t beat yourself up. Graeme and I have been doing it with awareness for years now and we still get caught up in domestics at times!

Couples talk is particularly difficult because communication here isn’t just an exchange of information and ideas. It’s the one place we can’t avoid the messiness of feelings, emotions and deep human need.

Not to mention that we’re communicating with someone who is extremely important to us. Someone that we don’t want to lose by messing things up. We probably carry fear too, about going back into places where we’ve been hurt in the past. Or where we’ve hurt our partner.

What’s really going on when communication gets messy?

Mostly what happens in moments of painful communication is that we make what is happening wrong. We put up walls around the discomfort that occurs inside of us.

Messiness might look like ‘something being wrong’, yet despite appearances, it’s actually part of your relationship growth cycle. Much relationship conflict comes from making the messiness wrong. And from losing connection with yourself as you try to avoid the uncomfortable feelings that result.

When you lose this connection, your partner becomes the enemy and you drop into strategies of defensiveness and protection. You seek control, rather than connection and understanding.

“Almost 90% of all human communication comes from the (usually unconscious) need to control.”
Saying What’s Real, 7 Keys To Authentic Communication, Susan Campbell, PhD

Exploiting the truth

In our human messiness, our logical minds try to help out by rationalising our behaviour. We exploit elements of the truth to get us off the hook of hurt. Speaking from our unfelt emotion, we go to elaborate efforts to justify our position. We also get very convoluted and irrational in our story-telling.

This is because our logical minds are compartmentalised, and their separate parts come up with different points of view. They can do this at the same time, even with totally opposing ideas! We then argue as if they all make sense. We take something that’s 10% true and elaborate it with 90% bullshit to make ourselves feel ‘right’ (ie safe). Graeme and I call this ‘going down the rabbit hole’.

Going down the rabbit hole

All this story-telling creates ‘mind-generated’ feelings that are mostly irrelevant to the feeling that was originally triggered. We’ve known couples who’d get into near-relationship-ending fights over the simplest of issues. This is because each person held tightly to their chosen 10% truth/90% bullshit story.

Get curious about the messiness in your Couple Communication

Rather than getting caught up in the messiness of your 90% bullshit and trying to understand it, try something different. See if you can identify the strongest negative point you’re trying to make (it’s usually about your partner).

This is where the gold is in your Couple Communication.

You can tell it by the sharp increase in emotion, the increased volume in your voice. It might be the knife twist in your gut or the desire to commit some kind of physical violence.

When you’ve identified it, counter-intuitive though it may appear, simply notice the response in your body that it creates. You might notice you’re tensing your shoulders, contracting in fear or wanting to attack, pull away, or go blank.

Getting grounded

Take a breath in and slowly let it out again, feel your feet, get grounded in your body. Taking this deep breath helps to soften your reaction. Your body will intuitively begin to feel safe, allowing you to thoughtfully respond rather than react. Any emotional discomfort will then pass more quickly because you’re not resisting it or escalating it.

This will help you intuitively identify your 10% truth in the situation. Ask yourself what you’re avoiding in yourself by pushing this point? Most likely, you’ll see that it usually involves owning something imperfect and vulnerable about yourself that you want to hide.

At this point it seems easier to own it than to face going further down the rabbit hole. This is the gift of the messiness, it helps you get real if you know where to look.

Deflating your partner’s 90%

Take a risk if you sense that your partner is getting lost in their mind’s 90% bullshit and trying to hook you into their drama. Identify and own YOUR part in the 10% truth, because it will be there.

This truth is why the two of you unconsciously chose to be in relationship with each other so take the risk and show up here. Doing so will change the fabric of your relationship. Telling the truth, no matter how challenging it might appear from the outside, will reward you with an inner strength that is worth the risk.

The truth in you will help your partner to reconnect with what is true in themselves, if they can hear it.

Taking a breath and getting grounded helps you get present with what you’re saying and hearing.

It helps you realise that there is nothing you really need to prove, protect, defend or hide.

When you get this, you’ll find that love arises, making it easier for you to each change what you’re saying into something useful. And to listen more clearly.

This creates greater intimacy and closeness rather than misunderstanding, pain and separation in your relationship. It allows you to see your messy couple communication as a potential gift rather than a threat.

This blog is an excerpt from our book Coming Together: Solving the Mystery of Intimate Relationship, to see it click the link.

If you would like any personal support in your Couple Communication email us here.

Skin Hunger: Are You Suffering From It?

June 13, 2019 By Annette & Graeme 2 Comments

Skin Hunger: What is it?

Skin hunger is simply a desire for physical contact with another person—and it’s a very human desire. While we tend to think of intimate touch as a strictly sexual experience, skin hunger is mostly a longing for non-sexual touch.

The topic of skin hunger presented itself after being at our recent Couples Retreat and seeing the glow that came of people’s faces after spending extra time getting close with each other. We encourage to take a closer look at this relationship building practice if letting your days go by without taking the time to connect physically with the one you love is becoming a common occurrence for you.

Over 40 years of research has shown that hugging enhances general wellbeing and promotes relaxation and bonding by releasing oxytocin, which is known as the ‘cuddle chemical’. The practice reduces your stress hormone cortisol levels too, as well as lowering the risk of anxiety and depression. Snuggling also lowers your blood pressure and enhances your immune system. In short, it’s a beautiful gift to give each other.

Being wrapped in the warm embrace of someone you trust can fulfil a wide range of emotional and physical needs you might not have even realised you had. Even if you’re not in a great place in your intimacy a simple hug can start to rebuild the bond between partners in ways beyond imagining.

Cuddling is so important it even became a movement. We attended a few ‘cuddle parties‘ that were popular a few years ago, which were parties set up for the explicit purpose of creating a safe environment for people (even complete strangers) to ‘cuddle’ in. To physically connect with each other without any sexual intent. It was amazing how comfortable people were quickly able to become with each other, although the first one was confronting for Annette as she realised she didn’t even know what non sexual touch was!

Suggestions for body contact

The 20 sec hug:

It makes a world of difference taking time to really be in a hug. It allows the exchange of all the goodies mentioned above, less frequently experienced by people who are in and out of a hug before they know it.

So the next time you go there try these steps:

– Let your partner know you would like to share a hug with them by making eye contact and asking.
– Make getting a no OK, it may just not be the right time for them.
– Put your arms gently right around each other.
– Let your whole bodies melt together at the heart, belly and genitals.
– Take a slightly deeper breath than normal. Take two, or even three.
– Sigh gently on the exhale.
– Enjoy and be happy!

Holding each other as you sleep:

If you’ve let this habit fade away from the days when you couldn’t let go of each other, even to sleep, reach out and bring it back in.

– Lie in spoons position, one person behind the other, with the rear persons’ underneath arm resting under the neck of the person in front.
– Or lie side by side facing each other with your arms in a position you both find comfortable.
– Breathe and relax.
– Make it a non doing activity.
– Even if you don’t stay this way all night every moment counts.

Sleeping together naked:

This is a simple and beautiful way to let love in. The other benefits from the lushness of skin-to-skin contact that’s experienced in sleeping naked are not to be sneezed at either. NB. Naked works best but if this is too much for you, try as little clothing as possible.

– Lie physically naked in bed and hold each other, either spooning, or face to face. You may not stay this way all night, but you can start here.

– Give yourself permission to really feel the skin on skin and enjoy it. Breathe through any resistance or arousal that comes up, and relax into yourselves.

– Make it a ‘non-doing’ activity. Resist the urge to stroke or actively arouse yourself or your partner in any way. Give yourselves permission to just be. If you try it, you’ll find it’s a delicious treat for both of you.

Body contact is a beautiful way to reach out for happiness rather than suffering…

It increases your comfort in intimacy and although this is not about being sexual it makes being sexual together easier as it opens your hearts…

And makes your skin hunger a thing of the past!

The Missing Link to your Passion: Open Hearted Anger

November 15, 2018 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Anger is energy.

The energy of change.

It is the source of your power and passion.

It happens low down in the belly where your sexuality lies.

Deny, avoid, repress one and you do the same to the other.

The first question we ask couples who are missing the passion in their relationships is “What do you do with your anger?”

With passion comes desire.

The biggest changes across the world started with someone getting angry enough to DO something.

So if you’re wanting to find more sexual desire look at what you’re doing with your anger.

When we talk about anger we are NOT talking about aggression (even though they are often assumed to go together).

Anger is simply a feeling of “I don’t like this”.

Aggression is closed hearted anger expressed through “I’m going to make YOU pay for my anger through abuse or violence!”

More relationships break down from a lack of anger rather than too much of it. (Though living in too much unhealthy anger can be traumatising.)

It is appropriate to feel angry when you have been violated, had your boundaries crossed, not been treated with respect, been lied to or betrayed.When you make your anger wrong you make yourself wrong at a very deep level. Anger helps empower us to make changes, to stand up for ourselves and others, to express what we need to reinstate our sovereignty.

It is inappropriate when it is used as an avoidance of fear or embarrassment or when it is based in self deception, projection or when we dump it on those closest to us rather than dealing with it where it belongs.

We shut down our capacity to feel anger to allow us to handle difficult experiences but in shutting ourselves down we fragment ourselves and lose touch with who we are. Shut down anger is literally a powder keg in our bodies ready to burst out again or to manifest in disease.

Our anger can instead be a great source of personal power, energy, a pathway to clarity and inner wisdom.

Suppression of our anger does not mean freedom from it, it merely builds up in our system, making our bodies tense and uptight.

Signs of unexpressed anger are:

Tightness in the shoulders and back of the neck
Headaches, especially at the back of the head
Tight or sore jaw muscles
Clenching of jaws or night time grinding of teeth
Crawling or itching sensations or tightness in the upper back and arms
Outbursts at inappropriate times
Picking at finger nails
Excessive chewing of gum
Smoking and drinking
Irritability, lack of patience, tolerance and understanding
Self criticism or self hatred
Feeling stuck, blocked, hopeless or victimised
And most importantly in relationship is a lack of passion

Side effects of unfelt or unexpressed anger include:

Stress
Anxiety
Self criticism and worthlessness
Poor self image
Self hatred
Hopelessness
Poor sleep
Illness- high blood pressure, heart disease, stroke, arthritis to name a few
Headaches
Relationship breakdowns
Depression
Addictions
Accidents
Bitterness, cynicism
Not getting what we want

If we withhold our anger we then withdraw from the person making us angry, we collapse into disappointment or become resentful.

We then act out our anger covertly through:

Attacking Behaviours- (which we often regret later and shut ourselves down even further)

Blaming
Accusations
Criticism
Sarcasm
Shouting, swearing
Generalisations
Dismissive comments or gestures
Meanness
Sharp or abrupt comments
Cold shouldering
Carelessness, accidents, lateness
Refusing to co-operate

Defensive Behaviours-

Being quiet, playing small
Being overly pleasing
Excessive apologising
Withdrawal
Excuse making
Excessive justification/explanation

Your first level of obligation is to express your anger so that it does not damage you.

Your second is to express what you want to say to the person you feel angry about, or to do what you want about the situation.

If you cannot express your anger to the person involved find a safe way to express it to yourself.

True forgiveness happens when the energy of anger is released from the physical body and we take responsibility for the lesson we have to learn in it. When this is done there is nothing to forgive.

Steps to open hearted expression of your anger:

Make your anger OK.
Breathe your way through the physical sensations of your anger and feel them releasing.
If your anger is too big, or even overwhelming for this, do something about it to move the energy through your body such as shaking, jumping, dancing, exercising.
Give voice to what you want to say, express it without censoring, just get it out!
Find the emotion underlying the anger, for as powerful as it is, anger is often a secondary emotion. Commonly what we find inside anger is sadness, which helps open our hearts. It can be any emotion we want to avoid.
If needed, then speak to the person concerned. Be clear, direct, specific and stick to the point. Focus on what is happening for you, use ‘I statements’. Go for a win-win outcome if possible. Focus on hearing yourself rather than attaching to any particular outcome. And on what you do want, not on what you don’t. Avoid bringing up the past. Check out any assumptions you’re making.
Be willing to listen too.
Enjoy the increased desire that flows in the bedroom that arises from the freeing up of your sexual energy.

Nb. If anger remains a constant in your relationship that gets nowhere, or is leading to aggression you need to look more deeply at what is going on for you and seek professional support. Preferably from someone who doesn’t make your anger wrong.

Have a discussion about where anger currently fits in your relationship. Decide whether you would like to make a safe place for open hearted anger and reap the benefits of increased personal power, self and partner respect and passion.

For support in learning to be healthy in your anger without closing your heart email us here or call 1800 TANTRA.

Is fear keeping you from what you’re most longing for?

October 23, 2018 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

In your relationship fear might be keeping you from:

Feeling a greater connection to, or more love from the person you’re with.

Or even more freedom in loving them.

Perhaps you long for more love or pleasure in the bedroom but you’re too scared to bring the subject up.

Most of the things we truly long for live on the other side of fear.

This place of fear was certainly true for a lovely couple who came to see us recently. But they were both able to reach inside themselves and find the place that courage lives. Now they’re reaping benefits that had been unimaginable just a few days ago.

So what if it was actually true?

That it was only your fear that was keeping you from what you most want.

If so, there IS something you can do about it.

Fear.

What does this word bring up in you?

Perhaps familiar butterflies in your stomach, a slight nausea, a crippling anxiety or possibly a deep-seated terror?

Or you might have no bodily response at all, just a mild interest in the idea.

Whatever your response is to fear you can be sure it lurks in at least a part of what’s keeping you from more of what you’re longing for.

Surprisingly, it’s probably not that your partner is insensitive, uncaring, selfish or uninterested.

It’s just as likely your fear is not allowing you to let them see you fully.

It seems easier, and safer, to stay behind your fears and not give them voice.

To see the situation as your partners fault.

To view your fear as your being weak, cowardly and something to be ashamed of.

Or as something too big for you to control.

What actually IS fear?

We see fear as emotional energy in your body.

An energy that we have a choice over how to deal with it.

Commonly we attach fear based thoughts to our fears and give them much greater power than they deserve.

Fear is part of being human and there is nothing wrong with you if you’re experiencing it.

In fact, fear in your body is the same thing as excitement.

You might remember the early times in your relationship, or even the ones way back in your teenage years where your fear almost felt like excitement, swinging wildly between the two in a way that was intoxicating…

The only difference is in how we manage this energy (and the stress hormones that arise along with it) in our bodies.

In excitement we keep breathing and tell ourselves something good is going to happen.

In fear we shallow our breath (or even stop breathing) and tell ourselves something bad is about to happen.

What can you do about your fear so that it no longer limits you?

Understand that fear is energy in your body, one that you have control over.
Come into the present moment and ask yourself if you’re in actual physical danger (which is quite rare for most of us, most of the time)? If yes, do what you need to find safety.
Identify the signs of fear in your body- tension, butterflies, tingling, nausea, cold, sweating, feeling unsafe.
Acknowledge them, and make them ok.
Take some slow, deep breaths, imagining your body being strongly supported by the earth below you. If your body knows it has room to breathe, it knows that it is safe.
If you’re in a high state of fear look closely at the palm of your hand and let it’s realness ground you.
Notice the thoughts you’re choosing about your fear and whether they’re accelerating or decreasing it eg. An accelerating thought is “My partner isn’t looking at me or taking any interest in what I’m trying to do or say and this means they don’t love me”. A decelerating thought is “My partner isn’t looking at me, maybe they’re just tired and I’ll get curious and ask them”.
Soothe yourself by choosing only thoughts that do the latter. This doesn’t mean living in a fairytale and imagining everything is wonderful but making some realistic choices. Feel your body responding to increased breathe and soothing thoughts.
Once you have your fear under control do whatever it is you’ve been afraid to:

Tell your partner what’s in your heart
Get curious, rather than judgmental about their response, you might learn something
Do something for them even if it’s challenging for you, especially something they’ve been wanting from you
Have a conversation about sex, begin gently with some positive comments and own your concerns as yours and be open to what you might discover.

With any of these steps you’re not necessarily assured of a successful outcome.

But you definitely WILL benefit from the courage you find in yourself to make these steps happen and who knows what is possible on the other side of fear- it’s where most of the really good things in life live.

If you’re looking to take further steps to create more of what you’re longing for in your relationship why not join us for our upcoming weekend workshop Nov 9-11?

Fearing Loss of Attraction

August 16, 2018 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Are you fearing loss of attraction for your partner means your relationship is over?

Does this loss of attraction make it hard to find a spark of desire when they move towards you?

Attraction is that luminous and exciting feeling that lifts you out of your ordinary every day self and draws you mysteriously towards your partner as if they, and only they, can fill your deepest desires.

Yet over time feelings of attraction in a relationship often wane, and this loss of attraction leaves people fearing they’re no longer in love. Graeme and Annette have been in this place, questioning the value of their relationship many times over the years.

Our minds try to find a solution

They found that our logical minds will come up with some obvious reasons as to why this attraction is no longer present.

You might see that your partner has put on weight, no longer puts effort into their appearance or has become lazy around the house. Perhaps they seem resentful around you all the time and spend hours looking at their phone, tv or computer screen instead of being with you. They might no longer have any real desire in their lovemaking and it’s become pretty mechanical and unsatisfying. Passion has become a thing of the past and talking about it seems impossible. Erections and orgasms are no longer a certainty.

You assume this is the reason for your loss of attraction.

You then fear that if you’re no longer attracted to them the reason must be that you’re no longer in love.

We fear a loss of attraction when our bodies no longer perform

For often our sexual problems are the body’s way of communicating messages to us that cannot yet be put into words or understood. Symptoms- emotional, psychological and sexual are your hearts way of getting you to look more deeply at your underlying truth. Your body will no longer allow you to deceive yourself.

We’ve found that our mental assumptions are usually a distraction from what is actually going on under the surface and looking a bit deeper will give you answers you can do something about. Answers that will allow you to reach mutual understanding and empathy, re igniting the spark of both attraction and love in ways that can surprise you, making your loss of attraction a thing of the past.

Take Paul and Susan for example

The chemistry between them was obvious in the early years of their marriage. Recently though, Paul has been unable to sustain, or even gain an erection and when he does sex is a hurried affair in order to ‘get to the end’ before his arousal wanes. This approach leaves Susan feeling unattractive, rejected and deprived and causes her to question their relationship. Also, Paul’s regular criticism of her weight gain has left her self-esteem in tatters. Paul saw Susan’s weight as the reason he was no longer interested in her. Both were left believing that their attraction for each other had ended and that love had died.

Trouble was brewing

Susan then had a one night stand to prove to herself she was still attractive, and as a cry for help in her relationship with Paul. Paul was hurt, angry and even less able to make love with Susan now he saw her as ‘cheap’; and he found her regained self confidence daunting.

Paul and Susan had trouble talking about their situation and conversations soon erupted into blame and arguing. They were unable to hear each other through the judgements, assumptions and interpretations they made were making about each other, as well as from their fears of their own hurt.

Support helped them find a way though

With support Paul and Susan were able to see the impact these behaviours were having on each other. They learned to stay present long enough to hear each other’s experiences fully and regain some empathy.

Susan expressed her shame and self judgment about her affair, and how it had pained her to hurt Paul so deeply. Paul was able to feel Susan’s pain and this then allowed his own heart to soften. He was able to express his feelings of sexual inadequacy after her hot night with another man, and his fears about satisfying this newly confident woman. Susan was able to make it clear to Paul that it was really great lovemaking with him and all he meant to her she wanted, rather than sex with a stranger.

Susan was also able to express to Paul how much his past criticism of her appearance had shut her down emotionally and sexually. Paul was then able to see that his criticism had been an outlet for his own self judgment from a flare up with his mother that he’d had difficulty in dealing with.

Both attraction and passion were restored

As a result of looking under the surface for their hearts messages and meeting in vulnerability Paul and Susan found their passion and desire for each other surprisingly renewed, and problems with orgasms and erections magically disappeared.

So, if you’re having fears about your level of attraction to your partner and the lack of desire you’re feeling as a result, don’t get caught in your mind’s assumption about what is happening.

Trust that what is happening in your bodies is a sign post to the answer rather than an insurmountable problem.

And go a little deeper into the truth that lies in your heart.

As has happened for Annette and Graeme time and again, inside a loss of attraction amazing solutions can be revealed.

For support in looking under the surface of your situation contact Annette & Graeme today, as statistically the longer you leave it the greater the risk to your relationship and it doesn’t have to be this way.