Relationships Archives - Relationship & Sexuality Counselling Specialists

Couple Communication: Finding the Gifts in your Messiness

June 24, 2019 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

We often call couples communication the finer art of the shit fight.

This is because it can get messy at the speed of light!

Part of the skill in couple communication is in learning how to get better at staying out of the messiness.

Another important part is getting better at dealing with the messiness once you’re there.

Problems in communication are usually seen as the No.1 issue in relationships.

If effective communication in an intimate relationship was easy, everybody would be doing it. But if it isn’t don’t beat yourself up. Graeme and I have been doing it with awareness for years now and we still get caught up in domestics at times!

Couples talk is particularly difficult because communication here isn’t just an exchange of information and ideas. It’s the one place we can’t avoid the messiness of feelings, emotions and deep human need.

Not to mention that we’re communicating with someone who is extremely important to us. Someone that we don’t want to lose by messing things up. We probably carry fear too, about going back into places where we’ve been hurt in the past. Or where we’ve hurt our partner.

What’s really going on when communication gets messy?

Mostly what happens in moments of painful communication is that we make what is happening wrong. We put up walls around the discomfort that occurs inside of us.

Messiness might look like ‘something being wrong’, yet despite appearances, it’s actually part of your relationship growth cycle. Much relationship conflict comes from making the messiness wrong. And from losing connection with yourself as you try to avoid the uncomfortable feelings that result.

When you lose this connection, your partner becomes the enemy and you drop into strategies of defensiveness and protection. You seek control, rather than connection and understanding.

“Almost 90% of all human communication comes from the (usually unconscious) need to control.”
Saying What’s Real, 7 Keys To Authentic Communication, Susan Campbell, PhD

Exploiting the truth

In our human messiness, our logical minds try to help out by rationalising our behaviour. We exploit elements of the truth to get us off the hook of hurt. Speaking from our unfelt emotion, we go to elaborate efforts to justify our position. We also get very convoluted and irrational in our story-telling.

This is because our logical minds are compartmentalised, and their separate parts come up with different points of view. They can do this at the same time, even with totally opposing ideas! We then argue as if they all make sense. We take something that’s 10% true and elaborate it with 90% bullshit to make ourselves feel ‘right’ (ie safe). Graeme and I call this ‘going down the rabbit hole’.

Going down the rabbit hole

All this story-telling creates ‘mind-generated’ feelings that are mostly irrelevant to the feeling that was originally triggered. We’ve known couples who’d get into near-relationship-ending fights over the simplest of issues. This is because each person held tightly to their chosen 10% truth/90% bullshit story.

Get curious about the messiness in your Couple Communication

Rather than getting caught up in the messiness of your 90% bullshit and trying to understand it, try something different. See if you can identify the strongest negative point you’re trying to make (it’s usually about your partner).

This is where the gold is in your Couple Communication.

You can tell it by the sharp increase in emotion, the increased volume in your voice. It might be the knife twist in your gut or the desire to commit some kind of physical violence.

When you’ve identified it, counter-intuitive though it may appear, simply notice the response in your body that it creates. You might notice you’re tensing your shoulders, contracting in fear or wanting to attack, pull away, or go blank.

Getting grounded

Take a breath in and slowly let it out again, feel your feet, get grounded in your body. Taking this deep breath helps to soften your reaction. Your body will intuitively begin to feel safe, allowing you to thoughtfully respond rather than react. Any emotional discomfort will then pass more quickly because you’re not resisting it or escalating it.

This will help you intuitively identify your 10% truth in the situation. Ask yourself what you’re avoiding in yourself by pushing this point? Most likely, you’ll see that it usually involves owning something imperfect and vulnerable about yourself that you want to hide.

At this point it seems easier to own it than to face going further down the rabbit hole. This is the gift of the messiness, it helps you get real if you know where to look.

Deflating your partner’s 90%

Take a risk if you sense that your partner is getting lost in their mind’s 90% bullshit and trying to hook you into their drama. Identify and own YOUR part in the 10% truth, because it will be there.

This truth is why the two of you unconsciously chose to be in relationship with each other so take the risk and show up here. Doing so will change the fabric of your relationship. Telling the truth, no matter how challenging it might appear from the outside, will reward you with an inner strength that is worth the risk.

The truth in you will help your partner to reconnect with what is true in themselves, if they can hear it.

Taking a breath and getting grounded helps you get present with what you’re saying and hearing.

It helps you realise that there is nothing you really need to prove, protect, defend or hide.

When you get this, you’ll find that love arises, making it easier for you to each change what you’re saying into something useful. And to listen more clearly.

This creates greater intimacy and closeness rather than misunderstanding, pain and separation in your relationship. It allows you to see your messy couple communication as a potential gift rather than a threat.

This blog is an excerpt from our book Coming Together: Solving the Mystery of Intimate Relationship, to see it click the link.

If you would like any personal support in your Couple Communication email us here.

Skin Hunger: Are You Suffering From It?

June 13, 2019 By Annette & Graeme 2 Comments

Skin Hunger: What is it?

Skin hunger is simply a desire for physical contact with another person—and it’s a very human desire. While we tend to think of intimate touch as a strictly sexual experience, skin hunger is mostly a longing for non-sexual touch.

The topic of skin hunger presented itself after being at our recent Couples Retreat and seeing the glow that came of people’s faces after spending extra time getting close with each other. We encourage to take a closer look at this relationship building practice if letting your days go by without taking the time to connect physically with the one you love is becoming a common occurrence for you.

Over 40 years of research has shown that hugging enhances general wellbeing and promotes relaxation and bonding by releasing oxytocin, which is known as the ‘cuddle chemical’. The practice reduces your stress hormone cortisol levels too, as well as lowering the risk of anxiety and depression. Snuggling also lowers your blood pressure and enhances your immune system. In short, it’s a beautiful gift to give each other.

Being wrapped in the warm embrace of someone you trust can fulfil a wide range of emotional and physical needs you might not have even realised you had. Even if you’re not in a great place in your intimacy a simple hug can start to rebuild the bond between partners in ways beyond imagining.

Cuddling is so important it even became a movement. We attended a few ‘cuddle parties‘ that were popular a few years ago, which were parties set up for the explicit purpose of creating a safe environment for people (even complete strangers) to ‘cuddle’ in. To physically connect with each other without any sexual intent. It was amazing how comfortable people were quickly able to become with each other, although the first one was confronting for Annette as she realised she didn’t even know what non sexual touch was!

Suggestions for body contact

The 20 sec hug:

It makes a world of difference taking time to really be in a hug. It allows the exchange of all the goodies mentioned above, less frequently experienced by people who are in and out of a hug before they know it.

So the next time you go there try these steps:

– Let your partner know you would like to share a hug with them by making eye contact and asking.
– Make getting a no OK, it may just not be the right time for them.
– Put your arms gently right around each other.
– Let your whole bodies melt together at the heart, belly and genitals.
– Take a slightly deeper breath than normal. Take two, or even three.
– Sigh gently on the exhale.
– Enjoy and be happy!

Holding each other as you sleep:

If you’ve let this habit fade away from the days when you couldn’t let go of each other, even to sleep, reach out and bring it back in.

– Lie in spoons position, one person behind the other, with the rear persons’ underneath arm resting under the neck of the person in front.
– Or lie side by side facing each other with your arms in a position you both find comfortable.
– Breathe and relax.
– Make it a non doing activity.
– Even if you don’t stay this way all night every moment counts.

Sleeping together naked:

This is a simple and beautiful way to let love in. The other benefits from the lushness of skin-to-skin contact that’s experienced in sleeping naked are not to be sneezed at either. NB. Naked works best but if this is too much for you, try as little clothing as possible.

– Lie physically naked in bed and hold each other, either spooning, or face to face. You may not stay this way all night, but you can start here.

– Give yourself permission to really feel the skin on skin and enjoy it. Breathe through any resistance or arousal that comes up, and relax into yourselves.

– Make it a ‘non-doing’ activity. Resist the urge to stroke or actively arouse yourself or your partner in any way. Give yourselves permission to just be. If you try it, you’ll find it’s a delicious treat for both of you.

Body contact is a beautiful way to reach out for happiness rather than suffering…

It increases your comfort in intimacy and although this is not about being sexual it makes being sexual together easier as it opens your hearts…

And makes your skin hunger a thing of the past!

The Missing Link to your Passion: Open Hearted Anger

November 15, 2018 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Anger is energy.

The energy of change.

It is the source of your power and passion.

It happens low down in the belly where your sexuality lies.

Deny, avoid, repress one and you do the same to the other.

The first question we ask couples who are missing the passion in their relationships is “What do you do with your anger?”

With passion comes desire.

The biggest changes across the world started with someone getting angry enough to DO something.

So if you’re wanting to find more sexual desire look at what you’re doing with your anger.

When we talk about anger we are NOT talking about aggression (even though they are often assumed to go together).

Anger is simply a feeling of “I don’t like this”.

Aggression is closed hearted anger expressed through “I’m going to make YOU pay for my anger through abuse or violence!”

More relationships break down from a lack of anger rather than too much of it. (Though living in too much unhealthy anger can be traumatising.)

It is appropriate to feel angry when you have been violated, had your boundaries crossed, not been treated with respect, been lied to or betrayed.When you make your anger wrong you make yourself wrong at a very deep level. Anger helps empower us to make changes, to stand up for ourselves and others, to express what we need to reinstate our sovereignty.

It is inappropriate when it is used as an avoidance of fear or embarrassment or when it is based in self deception, projection or when we dump it on those closest to us rather than dealing with it where it belongs.

We shut down our capacity to feel anger to allow us to handle difficult experiences but in shutting ourselves down we fragment ourselves and lose touch with who we are. Shut down anger is literally a powder keg in our bodies ready to burst out again or to manifest in disease.

Our anger can instead be a great source of personal power, energy, a pathway to clarity and inner wisdom.

Suppression of our anger does not mean freedom from it, it merely builds up in our system, making our bodies tense and uptight.

Signs of unexpressed anger are:

Tightness in the shoulders and back of the neck
Headaches, especially at the back of the head
Tight or sore jaw muscles
Clenching of jaws or night time grinding of teeth
Crawling or itching sensations or tightness in the upper back and arms
Outbursts at inappropriate times
Picking at finger nails
Excessive chewing of gum
Smoking and drinking
Irritability, lack of patience, tolerance and understanding
Self criticism or self hatred
Feeling stuck, blocked, hopeless or victimised
And most importantly in relationship is a lack of passion

Side effects of unfelt or unexpressed anger include:

Stress
Anxiety
Self criticism and worthlessness
Poor self image
Self hatred
Hopelessness
Poor sleep
Illness- high blood pressure, heart disease, stroke, arthritis to name a few
Headaches
Relationship breakdowns
Depression
Addictions
Accidents
Bitterness, cynicism
Not getting what we want

If we withhold our anger we then withdraw from the person making us angry, we collapse into disappointment or become resentful.

We then act out our anger covertly through:

Attacking Behaviours- (which we often regret later and shut ourselves down even further)

Blaming
Accusations
Criticism
Sarcasm
Shouting, swearing
Generalisations
Dismissive comments or gestures
Meanness
Sharp or abrupt comments
Cold shouldering
Carelessness, accidents, lateness
Refusing to co-operate

Defensive Behaviours-

Being quiet, playing small
Being overly pleasing
Excessive apologising
Withdrawal
Excuse making
Excessive justification/explanation

Your first level of obligation is to express your anger so that it does not damage you.

Your second is to express what you want to say to the person you feel angry about, or to do what you want about the situation.

If you cannot express your anger to the person involved find a safe way to express it to yourself.

True forgiveness happens when the energy of anger is released from the physical body and we take responsibility for the lesson we have to learn in it. When this is done there is nothing to forgive.

Steps to open hearted expression of your anger:

Make your anger OK.
Breathe your way through the physical sensations of your anger and feel them releasing.
If your anger is too big, or even overwhelming for this, do something about it to move the energy through your body such as shaking, jumping, dancing, exercising.
Give voice to what you want to say, express it without censoring, just get it out!
Find the emotion underlying the anger, for as powerful as it is, anger is often a secondary emotion. Commonly what we find inside anger is sadness, which helps open our hearts. It can be any emotion we want to avoid.
If needed, then speak to the person concerned. Be clear, direct, specific and stick to the point. Focus on what is happening for you, use ‘I statements’. Go for a win-win outcome if possible. Focus on hearing yourself rather than attaching to any particular outcome. And on what you do want, not on what you don’t. Avoid bringing up the past. Check out any assumptions you’re making.
Be willing to listen too.
Enjoy the increased desire that flows in the bedroom that arises from the freeing up of your sexual energy.

Nb. If anger remains a constant in your relationship that gets nowhere, or is leading to aggression you need to look more deeply at what is going on for you and seek professional support. Preferably from someone who doesn’t make your anger wrong.

Have a discussion about where anger currently fits in your relationship. Decide whether you would like to make a safe place for open hearted anger and reap the benefits of increased personal power, self and partner respect and passion.

For support in learning to be healthy in your anger without closing your heart email us here or call 1800 TANTRA.

Is fear keeping you from what you’re most longing for?

October 23, 2018 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

In your relationship fear might be keeping you from:

Feeling a greater connection to, or more love from the person you’re with.

Or even more freedom in loving them.

Perhaps you long for more love or pleasure in the bedroom but you’re too scared to bring the subject up.

Most of the things we truly long for live on the other side of fear.

This place of fear was certainly true for a lovely couple who came to see us recently. But they were both able to reach inside themselves and find the place that courage lives. Now they’re reaping benefits that had been unimaginable just a few days ago.

So what if it was actually true?

That it was only your fear that was keeping you from what you most want.

If so, there IS something you can do about it.

Fear.

What does this word bring up in you?

Perhaps familiar butterflies in your stomach, a slight nausea, a crippling anxiety or possibly a deep-seated terror?

Or you might have no bodily response at all, just a mild interest in the idea.

Whatever your response is to fear you can be sure it lurks in at least a part of what’s keeping you from more of what you’re longing for.

Surprisingly, it’s probably not that your partner is insensitive, uncaring, selfish or uninterested.

It’s just as likely your fear is not allowing you to let them see you fully.

It seems easier, and safer, to stay behind your fears and not give them voice.

To see the situation as your partners fault.

To view your fear as your being weak, cowardly and something to be ashamed of.

Or as something too big for you to control.

What actually IS fear?

We see fear as emotional energy in your body.

An energy that we have a choice over how to deal with it.

Commonly we attach fear based thoughts to our fears and give them much greater power than they deserve.

Fear is part of being human and there is nothing wrong with you if you’re experiencing it.

In fact, fear in your body is the same thing as excitement.

You might remember the early times in your relationship, or even the ones way back in your teenage years where your fear almost felt like excitement, swinging wildly between the two in a way that was intoxicating…

The only difference is in how we manage this energy (and the stress hormones that arise along with it) in our bodies.

In excitement we keep breathing and tell ourselves something good is going to happen.

In fear we shallow our breath (or even stop breathing) and tell ourselves something bad is about to happen.

What can you do about your fear so that it no longer limits you?

Understand that fear is energy in your body, one that you have control over.
Come into the present moment and ask yourself if you’re in actual physical danger (which is quite rare for most of us, most of the time)? If yes, do what you need to find safety.
Identify the signs of fear in your body- tension, butterflies, tingling, nausea, cold, sweating, feeling unsafe.
Acknowledge them, and make them ok.
Take some slow, deep breaths, imagining your body being strongly supported by the earth below you. If your body knows it has room to breathe, it knows that it is safe.
If you’re in a high state of fear look closely at the palm of your hand and let it’s realness ground you.
Notice the thoughts you’re choosing about your fear and whether they’re accelerating or decreasing it eg. An accelerating thought is “My partner isn’t looking at me or taking any interest in what I’m trying to do or say and this means they don’t love me”. A decelerating thought is “My partner isn’t looking at me, maybe they’re just tired and I’ll get curious and ask them”.
Soothe yourself by choosing only thoughts that do the latter. This doesn’t mean living in a fairytale and imagining everything is wonderful but making some realistic choices. Feel your body responding to increased breathe and soothing thoughts.
Once you have your fear under control do whatever it is you’ve been afraid to:

Tell your partner what’s in your heart
Get curious, rather than judgmental about their response, you might learn something
Do something for them even if it’s challenging for you, especially something they’ve been wanting from you
Have a conversation about sex, begin gently with some positive comments and own your concerns as yours and be open to what you might discover.

With any of these steps you’re not necessarily assured of a successful outcome.

But you definitely WILL benefit from the courage you find in yourself to make these steps happen and who knows what is possible on the other side of fear- it’s where most of the really good things in life live.

If you’re looking to take further steps to create more of what you’re longing for in your relationship why not join us for our upcoming weekend workshop Nov 9-11?