Sexpo Brisbane 2019: Was it More Than Porn, Flesh and Vibrators?

August 13, 2019 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Actually it was a bit confronting…

Our Sexpo experience led us to ask ourselves some interesting questions.

Now, we’re old enough not to be naive…(?)…about an event like Sexpo.

We knew it would be a very different environment from what we would find at, say, a Mind, Body & Spirit Festival. And we knew the surroundings would be in our face, over the top sexual. We had no problem annette and graeme at sexpo with that, in fact we enjoyed it.

In our talks it was a relief to know we wouldn’t raise any eyebrows being upfront about sex. In fact it was a challenge to be upfront enough!

And we loved seeing people wandering through the crowd expressing their sexual personalities through their outfits.

Sexpo is well run, without sleaze…

We found the event to be well run and professional, with a total absence of sleaze. And we guess putting on this kind of event would present more challenges than anyone could imagine. So well done to the organisers.

Where was the enjoyment at Sexpo?

What was confronting was seeing how much of an impact our sexual conditioning still, along with porn and technology, has on peoples sex lives.

The whole energy of Sexpo seemed to us to be about perfect looks, hard bodies and overt performances. Along with hundreds, if not thousands, of various pleasure enhancing gadgets for sale.

Yet we saw few people really enjoying themselves, actually being in their bodies and feeling their innate sexual energy. Even the absolutely stunning, near naked women we saw, projected little or no sexual energy.

People appeared reserved in their enjoyment of what was some quality entertainment. Maybe because it wasn’t a nightclub environment, without alcohol (up the front), people held back.

At the stand next door to us we did experience lots of genuine enjoyment. The crew from Woodhoods’ penis outfits were seriously intriguing people.

And it definitely happened in the amateur strip competition. Participants challenged themselves to take a vulnerable leap of faith .

Maybe the feeling was all happening down the back in the fetish and strip rooms. This is where the biggest line ups were.

We have no judgement about any of these aspects of sex. In fact, we’re tried and enjoyed many of them ourselves in the past. We want to know how people can enjoy them more…

Experiencing some Sexpo Virtual Reality

It took ourselves a while to settle into the space at Sexpo, to relax, be open and authentic. But we did and had a good (though after 33hrs, an exhausting) time.

We even tried out some V.R goggles for a surreal virtual sex experience, finding the technology a hoot.

We talked about sex

Our two talks on sexual healing went well. We had some great conversations with people. Sharing the exploration of sex as a wholistic experience, one that we still have much to learn about. Rather than being a fixed performance we have to get right.

Annette talked to some sex workers too. They were struggling with the idea that, as sex workers they are now being seen as empowered beings. Ones able to give their clients incredible experiences every time. Rather than as human beings just doing their job, with good days and some not so good days.

We were forced to ask ourselves some questions

It has made us wonder, where has the authenticity, aliveness, the freedom, the intimacy and not to mention the heart gone in sex??

Maybe it is just that as human beings we’ve been taught so well to numb out our innate sexual energy and put it in a box with a certain label. Perhaps our sexual conditioning doesn’t allow us to be seen having a good time in a public sexual environment? And maybe we don’t know how to enjoy our sexual feelings without having to express them in actual sex (which was illegal at the event)?

We know that the people who attend an event like Sexpo are a small percentage of the overall population, so what we experienced may not be representative of the majority of folk.

Sexpo lead us to ask:

Are people genuinely happy playing in superficial society, porn and technology induced sexual roles? Are we all afraid to seek the truth of our own core sexual energy? Has authentic sex become too scary and vulnerable, or just too unfamiliar?

And are we at Oztantra missing the point teaching sexuality that is alive, free, joyous, intimate and heart based?

Love is not only romance

When we talk about heart in sex here we’re not talking romance. We’re referring to the deeper power within our hearts with the capacity to uplift us beyond our limitations and show us who we truly are.

This power was reflected recently in the movie Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen, when Freddie Mercury felt the call of his heart.

This call lead him to move away from his superficial sexual lifestyle and find the place in himself that felt truly like home, which he chose to share with a long term lover.

Authentic Sex

At Oztantra, we know there IS a place where sex can be authentic, vulnerable, free, deeply connecting and even exciting, without the pressure of performance.

And we’re unwilling to be seduced by what glitters alone.

We can enjoy and teach glitter, when it is based in gold.

At Oztantra, our aim is to keep looking for new ways to keep spreading the word about what is possible for all of us as sexual beings, to expand awareness of our unique awesomeness and potential in sex, in relationship and in life.

To give those who are looking for something outside the social norm a real alternative.

Ways like Annette’s upcoming online course for women called “The Opening”, and a Relationship App with daily insights and activity reminders based on our book ‘Coming Together’ that you can share, whether you’ve been in relationship for a short, or a very long time!

Couple Communication: Finding the Gifts in your Messiness

June 24, 2019 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

We often call couples communication the finer art of the shit fight.

This is because it can get messy at the speed of light!

Part of the skill in couple communication is in learning how to get better at staying out of the messiness.

Another important part is getting better at dealing with the messiness once you’re there.

Problems in communication are usually seen as the No.1 issue in relationships.

If effective communication in an intimate relationship was easy, everybody would be doing it. But if it isn’t don’t beat yourself up. Graeme and I have been doing it with awareness for years now and we still get caught up in domestics at times!

Couples talk is particularly difficult because communication here isn’t just an exchange of information and ideas. It’s the one place we can’t avoid the messiness of feelings, emotions and deep human need.

Not to mention that we’re communicating with someone who is extremely important to us. Someone that we don’t want to lose by messing things up. We probably carry fear too, about going back into places where we’ve been hurt in the past. Or where we’ve hurt our partner.

What’s really going on when communication gets messy?

Mostly what happens in moments of painful communication is that we make what is happening wrong. We put up walls around the discomfort that occurs inside of us.

Messiness might look like ‘something being wrong’, yet despite appearances, it’s actually part of your relationship growth cycle. Much relationship conflict comes from making the messiness wrong. And from losing connection with yourself as you try to avoid the uncomfortable feelings that result.

When you lose this connection, your partner becomes the enemy and you drop into strategies of defensiveness and protection. You seek control, rather than connection and understanding.

“Almost 90% of all human communication comes from the (usually unconscious) need to control.”
Saying What’s Real, 7 Keys To Authentic Communication, Susan Campbell, PhD

Exploiting the truth

In our human messiness, our logical minds try to help out by rationalising our behaviour. We exploit elements of the truth to get us off the hook of hurt. Speaking from our unfelt emotion, we go to elaborate efforts to justify our position. We also get very convoluted and irrational in our story-telling.

This is because our logical minds are compartmentalised, and their separate parts come up with different points of view. They can do this at the same time, even with totally opposing ideas! We then argue as if they all make sense. We take something that’s 10% true and elaborate it with 90% bullshit to make ourselves feel ‘right’ (ie safe). Graeme and I call this ‘going down the rabbit hole’.

Going down the rabbit hole

All this story-telling creates ‘mind-generated’ feelings that are mostly irrelevant to the feeling that was originally triggered. We’ve known couples who’d get into near-relationship-ending fights over the simplest of issues. This is because each person held tightly to their chosen 10% truth/90% bullshit story.

Get curious about the messiness in your Couple Communication

Rather than getting caught up in the messiness of your 90% bullshit and trying to understand it, try something different. See if you can identify the strongest negative point you’re trying to make (it’s usually about your partner).

This is where the gold is in your Couple Communication.

You can tell it by the sharp increase in emotion, the increased volume in your voice. It might be the knife twist in your gut or the desire to commit some kind of physical violence.

When you’ve identified it, counter-intuitive though it may appear, simply notice the response in your body that it creates. You might notice you’re tensing your shoulders, contracting in fear or wanting to attack, pull away, or go blank.

Getting grounded

Take a breath in and slowly let it out again, feel your feet, get grounded in your body. Taking this deep breath helps to soften your reaction. Your body will intuitively begin to feel safe, allowing you to thoughtfully respond rather than react. Any emotional discomfort will then pass more quickly because you’re not resisting it or escalating it.

This will help you intuitively identify your 10% truth in the situation. Ask yourself what you’re avoiding in yourself by pushing this point? Most likely, you’ll see that it usually involves owning something imperfect and vulnerable about yourself that you want to hide.

At this point it seems easier to own it than to face going further down the rabbit hole. This is the gift of the messiness, it helps you get real if you know where to look.

Deflating your partner’s 90%

Take a risk if you sense that your partner is getting lost in their mind’s 90% bullshit and trying to hook you into their drama. Identify and own YOUR part in the 10% truth, because it will be there.

This truth is why the two of you unconsciously chose to be in relationship with each other so take the risk and show up here. Doing so will change the fabric of your relationship. Telling the truth, no matter how challenging it might appear from the outside, will reward you with an inner strength that is worth the risk.

The truth in you will help your partner to reconnect with what is true in themselves, if they can hear it.

Taking a breath and getting grounded helps you get present with what you’re saying and hearing.

It helps you realise that there is nothing you really need to prove, protect, defend or hide.

When you get this, you’ll find that love arises, making it easier for you to each change what you’re saying into something useful. And to listen more clearly.

This creates greater intimacy and closeness rather than misunderstanding, pain and separation in your relationship. It allows you to see your messy couple communication as a potential gift rather than a threat.

This blog is an excerpt from our book Coming Together: Solving the Mystery of Intimate Relationship, to see it click the link.

If you would like any personal support in your Couple Communication email us here.

Skin Hunger: Are You Suffering From It?

June 13, 2019 By Annette & Graeme 2 Comments

Skin Hunger: What is it?

Skin hunger is simply a desire for physical contact with another person—and it’s a very human desire. While we tend to think of intimate touch as a strictly sexual experience, skin hunger is mostly a longing for non-sexual touch.

The topic of skin hunger presented itself after being at our recent Couples Retreat and seeing the glow that came of people’s faces after spending extra time getting close with each other. We encourage to take a closer look at this relationship building practice if letting your days go by without taking the time to connect physically with the one you love is becoming a common occurrence for you.

Over 40 years of research has shown that hugging enhances general wellbeing and promotes relaxation and bonding by releasing oxytocin, which is known as the ‘cuddle chemical’. The practice reduces your stress hormone cortisol levels too, as well as lowering the risk of anxiety and depression. Snuggling also lowers your blood pressure and enhances your immune system. In short, it’s a beautiful gift to give each other.

Being wrapped in the warm embrace of someone you trust can fulfil a wide range of emotional and physical needs you might not have even realised you had. Even if you’re not in a great place in your intimacy a simple hug can start to rebuild the bond between partners in ways beyond imagining.

Cuddling is so important it even became a movement. We attended a few ‘cuddle parties‘ that were popular a few years ago, which were parties set up for the explicit purpose of creating a safe environment for people (even complete strangers) to ‘cuddle’ in. To physically connect with each other without any sexual intent. It was amazing how comfortable people were quickly able to become with each other, although the first one was confronting for Annette as she realised she didn’t even know what non sexual touch was!

Suggestions for body contact

The 20 sec hug:

It makes a world of difference taking time to really be in a hug. It allows the exchange of all the goodies mentioned above, less frequently experienced by people who are in and out of a hug before they know it.

So the next time you go there try these steps:

– Let your partner know you would like to share a hug with them by making eye contact and asking.
– Make getting a no OK, it may just not be the right time for them.
– Put your arms gently right around each other.
– Let your whole bodies melt together at the heart, belly and genitals.
– Take a slightly deeper breath than normal. Take two, or even three.
– Sigh gently on the exhale.
– Enjoy and be happy!

Holding each other as you sleep:

If you’ve let this habit fade away from the days when you couldn’t let go of each other, even to sleep, reach out and bring it back in.

– Lie in spoons position, one person behind the other, with the rear persons’ underneath arm resting under the neck of the person in front.
– Or lie side by side facing each other with your arms in a position you both find comfortable.
– Breathe and relax.
– Make it a non doing activity.
– Even if you don’t stay this way all night every moment counts.

Sleeping together naked:

This is a simple and beautiful way to let love in. The other benefits from the lushness of skin-to-skin contact that’s experienced in sleeping naked are not to be sneezed at either. NB. Naked works best but if this is too much for you, try as little clothing as possible.

– Lie physically naked in bed and hold each other, either spooning, or face to face. You may not stay this way all night, but you can start here.

– Give yourself permission to really feel the skin on skin and enjoy it. Breathe through any resistance or arousal that comes up, and relax into yourselves.

– Make it a ‘non-doing’ activity. Resist the urge to stroke or actively arouse yourself or your partner in any way. Give yourselves permission to just be. If you try it, you’ll find it’s a delicious treat for both of you.

Body contact is a beautiful way to reach out for happiness rather than suffering…

It increases your comfort in intimacy and although this is not about being sexual it makes being sexual together easier as it opens your hearts…

And makes your skin hunger a thing of the past!

The much misunderstood s*xual male…

April 20, 2019 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Sitting in front of us is a man who is hurting and he doesn’t know why.

All he knows is that he’s hurting.

He is feeling stressed, maybe depressed, or bewildered, controlled or burdened by life. What he longs for is freedom from his pain.

He seeks this freedom in sex but finds it is leaving him less and less satisfied.

He also longs for some kind of connection with another human being to help him feel human again, loved and desired instead of isolated and alone. He believes that sex should give him this but these desires too, are going largely unsatisfied.

It’s getting harder for him to propose sex as his fear of rejection, of his pathway to the things he longs for, is annihilating.

His erections frighteningly are becoming less reliable.

He covers his pain with store of bitter throw away lines, off colour jokes, bravado and silence.

What is happening here is a man victimized by his conditioning, unable to find a way out.

We let him know that his way out is becoming more sexual, not less.

He looks at us with bewilderment on his face.

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“Isn’t my focus on too much sex the thing that is getting me in trouble in the first place?”

We say again that the way out for him is a gaining greater love for himself and his sexuality.

Not to just go through the motions of what he’s been taught sex is.

But to find true freedom in it, all the way through, rather than just at the end.

And that doing so will bring him more of the pleasure and feelings of connection that he longs for. Feelings that will not disappear with the end of his erection.

He says that the sex he’s having now is pretty good, he could just learn to perform a bit better.

We ask him if his sex is truly satisfying, if it leaves him him sated for hours, if not days, and feeling energized rather than spent?

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“Is that really possible?” he says.

We reply “Not only is this possible but it’s not reliant on your ability to perform, give your partner an orgasm or even have an erection”.

We ask him too, if the sex he’s having now touches his heart?

Or does it rely on some form of control or shame- an edginess or dirtiness for it to work for him?

Or is he free to flow from the edges of intense passion to exquisite tenderness and back again?

Deeply fulfilling sex is mandatory for a man to live a truly satisfying, happy and healthy life.

Despite what he might have been told, this doesn’t have to look a particular way, it’s more about where the man is being inside of it. His sex can be hot, passionate, naughty, edgy and more, the difference is his heart is open and his sex is not controlled by power games or shame.

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This world is suffering from the majority of men being shamed about and disconnected from their true sexual nature. Their conditioning leads them to seek tension and release, needing to perform and finding freedom in their ejaculation rather than in the act of sex itself. Not to mention causing them to miss out on the infinite pleasure and love they are capable of. This leads to sex with a partner soon becoming a thing of the past.

The deeper, more expansive his sex the more life, love, true power, freedom and happiness he will feel in himself and bring to his world.

When his heart connected sex closes down man clings to what he knows and fears change.

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When he is closed off, emotionally unavailable and shamed he cannot express his fears, share his true desires or respect his partners boundaries. The messages he receives about how he ‘should be’ in sex come from other men equally in the dark, from women who want him to be something that he is not or from today’s overwhelmingly negative sex culture. Messages about how wrong he is shame and disrespect his sense of self and leave him less able to respect his own, and his partner’s desires and boundaries.

Patriarchy, civilized and politically correct society shame him for wanting the rawness of sex and lock him into performing, denying him the freedom of really feeling, enjoying and opening into it. Easy access to the powerful medium of porn, whether it’s online or in the ads he sees on his way home from work manipulate him into believing porn sex is the only form of sex there is. Porn hijacks man’s wild side and steeps it in shame, leaving him desiring sex that is disconnected from who he really is, despite appearing to serve it.

Crying man being told I don't love you anymore

Even today man has been raised to have a tough exterior shell against the world, to be sexual from this shell and go for what he ‘thinks’ he wants. To take, or to give at the expense of himself, rather than to express who he truly is. His conditioning leaves him unconscious in his power over woman in sex, not seeing her willingness to override herself and fake sex in her need to please him. Or it leaves him unable to fully meet her genuine sexual desire because of his own place of shame in the #MeToo age.

He will not tell the truth of his experience because it is unsafe for him to do so.

Even if a man has a clue that there is something more to be had in sex the pervading anti sex, porn sex and the derision of toxic masculine culture will shame his voice before it gets a chance to be expressed.

Man needs permission to unleash his full masculine energy and access his wild warrior heart to allow his spirit to soar and his soul to be free.

As well as allowing him to receive love and holding giving him to access his tender heart as a man, rather than grasping at it as an unformed boy.

Only at this level can he truly trust and love himself enough to be fully seen.

This is a man worth being with for a lifetime.

We have seen this over and over again in the men we have worked with over the years. This is how to make a beginning…

As a Man it is time to change your sexual goals to give you more of what you want

Rather than following your instinctive nature to pursue, catch and bask in the achievement of woman instead pursue your understanding of your own sexual nature. Pursue its ultimate pleasure, power, freedom and yes, even love. Not love of the romantic kind but mysterious love that lies beyond words, that is about you as much as your partner, that is about the very essence of life itself.

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Learn to enjoy sex in full bodied relaxation and unlimited pleasure. Know that your whole body can become as pleasurable as your cock if you breathe and relax. Be free to play in the moment, opening yourself to the potential of meaningful, real time connection. Connect your cock to your heart and find your masculine divinity through your sexuality rather than learning to make love like a woman. Discover your open your masculine heart, for the softer you become in your masculine heart the harder you become where it counts.

Supporting Man to move beyond his conditioning

Rather than criticize his performance and drive him further into shame, insensitivity and numbness ask him what he is truly longing for in sex (this is going to lie outside of his shame and his conditioned responses and will take time for him to access it).

Let him know you desire to meet him there.

Keep asking till he believes you really want to do so.

Support and validate his vulnerability in this place.

Keep asking till he unravels a lifetime of conditioning- of beliefs, habits, body tension and genital numbness.

Touch his genitals and spread your touch out the rest of him, so he can learn to relax and let go, rather than leave this bit of him till last. Encourage him to breathe deeply and go slow.

Explore with him to find what IS possible, that which lives beyond your wildest dreams, because this is where you will BOTH get what you most want.

For support contact us on 1800 TANTRA or email here

Coming Together Book: Solving The Mystery of Intimate Sex and Relationship