Going one layer deeper…

Is it a desire, or a fear?

Last newsletter we talked about this idea of one partner for life. It seemed to resonate with a lot of you.

So this time we’re looking at going one level deeper in relationship- how the relationship you have with yourself affects the one you have with your partner. See how to gain clarity in just x 5 mins per day!

In a world of endless options and swipe-right dating, the idea of staying with one partner for life can feel… well, suffocating, if not downright terrifying. 

Once upon a time, it was the norm—relationships were for life, and people rarely questioned it. But today, things are different. The illusion of infinite choice has changed how we see love, commitment, and even ourselves.

And in this time of instability and change across much of the whole world, can we believe in stability and longevity?

Many people now ask: Can one person really meet all my relational needs—mentally, emotionally, sexually, spiritually—for decades?

We enter modern relationships with massive expectations. We want our partner to be everything: lover, best friend, co-parent, adventure buddy, life coach, therapist and soulmate—all while we hold on tightly to our individual identities. We expect relationships to provide both security and excitement, belonging and autonomy, mystery and predictability. It’s a paradox, and a tall order for anyone.

The truth is, the magic we seek in love still exists—but it isn’t just about finding the “perfect” person. Or even the perfect persons, if you’re into more than one. That magic lives in the deep work of intimacy, in showing up authentically and vulnerably. Especially over time.

Real intimacy challenges us. It pushes our buttons, yet it’s where the magic lives. It allows us to blossom like a flower in the warm sun. It brings up our past wounds so they can be healed. Real relationship is like a mirror—it reflects to us the beauty, and also the shadow parts of ourselves.

At Oztantra, we believe your No. 1 relationship is the one you have with yourself. And what you bring into your relationship with another shapes the connection you create with you. 

So the question becomes, not why isn’t my partner meeting my needs and desires in the exact way that I want them to? It’s whether you’re bringing your best self into your relationship, or just your expectations and frustrations?

Are you bringing complaints and high expectations of your partner and holding them to standards you are not willing to hold yourself to? 

Are you protecting your own fears and vulnerabilities as you stay inside your own little emotional box and making your partner wrong?

Where are you willing to stand up and be seen in your relationship, rather than hiding?

Where are you giving your relationship active priority? 

Where are you creating your relationship, rather than expecting it to be done for you?

Your partner can’t be in relationship with you when you are on your phone, slumped in front of the tv, at your computer, out with friends all the time or still at work. 

You can create intimate relationship by meeting your own needs:

• by exercising after work and allowing the feel good chemicals from exercise flow into a happy desire to see your partner at the end of the day
• by meditating on the love in your heart for yourself and coming to your partner from a place of fullness, not resentment.
• Sleeping separately for a couple of nights to reconnect with yourself and see your relationship self more clearly.
• Inviting your partner to share something enjoyable with you, and helping them remove obstacles to doing so.

Instead of being in judgment of your partner can you see them as a person just like you? Someone who dearly wants connection, just like you? Who is probably trying just as hard (or not trying) as you, and as uncertain as you? 

How about seeing them as just like you, rather than as your enemy? 

Can you give them a warm hug, rather than a cold shoulder?

You can also do this by seeing your own shadow, rather than focussing on theirs.

X 5 mins a day to change your relationship

Even just giving yourself x 5 minutes of your full presence a day whilst with your partner can create a powerful shift in your relationship. Whether you believe your partner wants to be with you or not.

Being in the here and now moment with your partner can help you see yourself more clearly. Shining a light on your truth, rather than on a (self affirming ego) story in your head.

Not by trying to fix your relationship. Just by:

• Actively being with your partner, (putting your phone down). 
• Being aware of yourself and how you’re showing up, or not, with them.
• Actively seeing your partner as human, just like you, rather than your enemy, and noticing how YOU are being.
• Are you open or closed? Judgemental or accepting? Offering or avoidant? What walls do you have up right now and how can you lower tham a little?
• What could you choose to bring right now in this moment, that is relationship affirming?

No matter how your partner responds, this is about YOU. Being in your heart, being connected to yourself and being truly open to what might happen. It can be magical.

It’s not always about finding someone new when things get tough (though on occasion it needs to be, when all options are exhausted). Because if you haven’t cleared the mirror to seeing yourself in this relationship, from your fog you’ll just recreate your lessons in the next. Your new partner will somehow seem to turn into to same one you just left, causing you the same frustrations.

It’s about learning how to see—and be seen—by yourself, and by the person already in front of you. Sometimes, even just five minutes a day of full presence can create a powerful shift. For people are magnetised to our presence, our aliveness and our self ownership. Really. That’s the kind of magic that lasts.

Start here. Start with you.

Do you feel safe enough to actually have an all out, explosive, toe curling, full body orgasm?

Or even a endless, flowing, nurturing orgasm that leaves you uplifted?

Learn what orgasmic priming is and how it can help!

Did you know that so often we hold back in our deepest, most powerful surrender into pleasure and orgasm? 

And that we do this because our bodies, and our nervous systems, hold so much negative conditioning around pleasure and sexuality?

This conditioning that tells us it’s NOT SAFE to be that sexy, that surrendered, that ecstatic?

That it’s much safer to put on the brakes, to say “No” to expanded pleasure?

It’s not that we aren’t capable of moving into the most powerful pleasure beyond our wildest dreams. It’s because our conditioning doesn’t allow us to.

Here we’ll show you how to move beyond this conditioning with a practice called orgasmic priming.

And the good news is that it only takes 1 minute!

We often misinterpret our bodies desire to keep us safe – its most important job.

Instead of thinking our bodies are trying to protect us we think that we’re just not capable of having a full on orgasm. Or that we’re not that sexy, or that sexual or not able to have an orgasm. Or a hundred and one other reasons.

And then likely comes the thought that we’re broken somehow. Or that we’re wrong somehow.

What’s actually happening is that our mind is full of stories about the wrongness of our sexual desires, the wrongness of us, even the wrongness of sex itself. Even if we don’t realise we have these thoughts. It’s our nervous systems way to say “Keep safe”, “Don’t go there!”

When we do orgasmic priming our bodies and our nervous systems realise that not only is this kind of orgasm possible, it’s TOTALLY SAFE to do so.

With this short and simple practice of orgasmic priming you can super charge your orgasmic potential and blow open your expanded pleasure. By letting your brain and your body know how safely accessible this is for you.

Orgasmic Priming: The How

Orgasmic priming involves using your 5 senses – sight, feel/touch, sound, smell and taste. Your 5 senses make it as real in your body and nervous system as possible, bringing you into a full body experience. This helps your safety systems to soften and allow your deepest potential for pleasure to arise.

It is good to do this practice for a self pleasure orgasm (self pleasure is a highly rated tantric skill) AND one with a partner, at different times. This is because your body and your nervous system can behave differently in each of these situations. So it’s great to develop this skill set for both.

1. Set your timer for just 1 minute. For this minute fully delve into the experiences of your senses.
2. Close your eyes and see yourself having the most powerful, deepest and amazing orgasm that you desire. 
3. Sight: What do you see as you imagine yourself in the throes of a magnificent orgasm? Where are you? What are you doing? What are you wearing? How is your body moving? Where are you touching yourself? What is your lover looking like?
4. Feel/Touch: What are you feeling, what are the sensations, and where in your body? How open are you feeling? What emotions are you feeling? Where are you touching yourself and how does your own body feel to your touch? How does your lover’s body feel? Where are you touching them? Note: It is better to imagine yourself doing the touching, rather than your lover as this keeps the power of turn on in YOU.
5. Sound: What sounds are you hearing? Maybe there’s music in the background. Maybe you’re hearing your own breathing, your words or your sounds of pleasure, small or large. Or your lovers’ breath or the beautiful (or hot) words they’re whispering in your ear. 
6. Smell: Maybe there are scented oils in the room, in your perfume or the smells in nature. How does your body smell, what is its delicious turned on aroma? Or even what is your most favourite smell in the world? What is your lovers’ smell on their skin?
7. Taste: What can you taste? Run your tongue around in your mouth, how does it taste? How does your lover’s mouth taste? Imagine your most sensual foods being in your mouth and tasting them.

How often do you do this practice?

Set yourself the goal to do it every day for 1 week. 

Notice how your body responds after this. 

If your body is a yes, keep doing it, build on your orgasmic capabilities.

You can even bring it into your orgasmic routine, to create the most pleasurable orgasms you’re capable of on a regular basis. 

After all, it’s only for a minute.

So, are you ready to get started?

And not have it go wrong!

We KNOW it’s challenging to talk about sex… that’s why so few people do it.

We’d rather sex just…happened. 

If this is you, you’re not alone. 

In fact, most of us believe this is how sex is supposed to be- natural and spontaneous. Isn’t it? 

Maybe, if you’re an animal, purely having sex for procreation.

Unfortunately, or rather fortunately, humans are much more complex than that! We can create so much more.

So if you want a better sex life than you’re currently having, finding a way to talk about it is absolutely essential. Couples who talk find much greater satisfaction in the bedroom. And outside of it.

We believe that the real reason most of us don’t talk about sex is not that we shouldn’t have to, it’s fear. 

Fear of being embarrassed, ashamed, fear of hurting our partner or being rejected ourselves.

(We can assure you that going months or even years not having sex that is good for you will hurt your partner, and yourself, much more.)

And mostly fear of being vulnerable. Of being seen in our sadness, fear, frustration and insecurities. Even with the person we care about the most.

Because talking about sex is a very vulnerable thing to do. Even though it’s everywhere around us and a normal part of life.

People would rather do any number of scary and challenging things other than this.

This is because there’s no one right way for sex to look. Despite what porn, the romance industry, your favourite blog, your mother or your best friend tells you. It’s totally up to you to decide what to do in sex. 

Nobody else is in your bedroom but you.

Where do we start?

And that’s the first thing to do. Have your conversations about sex outside of the bedroom, rather than in it. Where there is less potential for things to be misunderstood and hurt created. 

Make a time where you are both relaxed, not distracted, with more time for curiosity and exploration. If it helps, set a time limit, so you know there’s a finish line in sight.

Remember this is the first of many conversations. You don’t have to get everything sorted in one go. It’s too big a topic.

Start with simply owning your fear and embarrassment, which makes it ok. . Have no doubt that your partner will be just as scared as you (even if they’d rather die than admit it).  

Follow this with a compliment. Something that is honest and true for you about what your lover does that you find enjoyable.

Or, something that you appreciate about them. 

Knowing that you have some value to the person talking to you helps minimise the fear.

Does talking directly about the sex in your relationship feel too difficult? Start with reading one of our blogs on the topic and discuss it.

Set up rules of engagement:

1. Seek to explore, understand, be curious and non-judgemental. Keep the conversation as light as possible. There may be moments of challenge but you can also enjoy it.

2. Speak more about what you DO want than about what you don’t. 

3. Keep it simple. Explore one area at a time. For example, how to invite sex – what works for you, then move on. This makes it more likely you’ll get somewhere. 

4. Absolutely avoid blame. Take responsibility for your part in what is happening. Sex IS a co created experience. Ultimately, you’re responsible for your own pleasure and feelings of connection (or lack of them).  Just like you’re not responsible for your partners’. As they are not responsible for yours. There are many things we can each do to foster pleasure and connection, what we do them is up to us. Knowing this can help empower you to create more of what you want.

5. Avoid trying to get your partner to better meet your needs through criticism. Criticism invites shame in this vulnerable place and a negative reaction from your lover. Imagine how you’d feel if you were on the receiving end.

6. It’s not easy, but don’t take your partner’s comments or desires personally. Remember that your partner’s comments are ultimately saying more about them than you. 

7. Agree that any time either of you feel triggered by what your partner says, you’ll take a couple of deep breaths and let it go. You’ll get much further by being able to stay present, than going off on a tangent. Agree to take a break if you need to.

So it doesn’t have to be perfect.

You don’t have to get it all right, or even have it not be messy.

Just make a start.

Then, reassess your sexual map regularly, as your sexual desires will change over time just like you do. And even if talking about sex doesn’t go well the first time, keep trying: the gifts of lovemaking are too big to ignore. 

And if you would like support in having this conversation contact us here for a free, no obligation chat.

Or call Graeme on 0457966696, or Annette on 0437966696.

Try a Sex Lab Date and experiment…

And totally transform the way you see the power of consent.

I say: “Would you like …?”

And you reply “Yes, I would like…”

Consent achieved, that’s it.

Unfortunately, this covers only the surface of consent. It leaves both people missing out on their full “YESSSES!” in both giving and receiving.

Because most of us have a huge variety of reasons for wanting to give and receive, in any given moment. For saying yes to something, or for not saying no.

Giving can be for the other person, or for us.

Sometimes we’re giving to make the other person feel good. 

Sometimes we’re giving to make ourselves feel good

The same is true for receiving. 

Sometimes we’re allowing ourselves to receive because it’s making us feel good. 

At others, we receive to let our partners feel good. 

Each of these are good options, as long as both people are in agreement about what is happening.

Otherwise sneaky little hidden agendas about why we’re doing things can creep in and make it icky. Without us even being aware of it. 

The thing is, the other person can usually tell that something is off, if our agenda is hidden. Even if they don’t know what exactly. Or the exchange just doesn’t feel good, even if on the surface it looks like it should.

Where we might think we’re giving, but actually we’re doing it for our own benefit and not owning it. 

• For example, we might be lonely and we touch to connect, without knowing how the other person feels about it in that moment. Or we can be feeling insecure and want our partners to have an orgasm to make us feel good about ourselves.

• Or we might think we’re giving, but we’re really just passively allowing ourselves to be taken from. For example, when we’re saying yes to touch when we really don’t want it, we just put up with it.

• Perhaps we never really allow ourselves to receive, it just doesn’t happen and we don’t know hpw to ask for it. Or we believe we don’t deserve it.

• We might be asked what we want and have no idea what to ask for.

• Maybe consent is always assumed, just because we’re in a relationship. Leaving no room for discussion on the occasions we might just not be into it. 

Or a hundred and one other variations of the above that we might, or might not admit to.

The opposite is true too. 

When WE really want something, and we know OUR PARTNER also really wants it, even the simplest things feel fantastic.

This is not only true in any kind of sexual exchange. It’s also true in the parts of life where we give and receive.

Understanding where we, and our partners are coming from in consent, makes whatever we are doing a deeper experience. And the clarity of it brings us the freedom to more fully enjoy ourselves.

These ideas have been expanded on in a fabulous book by Betty Martin called the Wheel of Consent.

Discover how to find what you really want…

And how to give and have it be great for BOTH people…

We’ll focus on touch here because it’s the easiest place to see it. And touch is one of the easiest places to be covert in. Because let’s face it, it can be really vulnerable to share touch with another human being!

Giving and receiving come under 4 different categories:

GIVING, RECEIVING, TAKING and ALLOWING.

When done with consent by both parties, each can be fantastic experiences in their own way. 

We suggest you try them all:

• I touch you the way YOU want = I am GIVING. (I am doing and it’s for you)

• You touch me the way “I” want = I am RECEIVING. (You are doing and it’s for me)

• I touch you the way “I” want. I am TAKING. (I am doing and it’s for me)

• I let you touch me the way YOU want. I am ALLOWING. (You are doing and it’s for you)

Consent means we have to fully OWN our desires. Then our partner is consenting to something that is real, inviting a full YES from them. Otherwise, our actions are done from shadow. 

Without agreement:

• Giving can be taking, from resentment or people pleasing.
• Receiving can be exploiting the other person, feeling entitled, or merely tolerated, rather than fully enjoyed.
• Taking IS stealing or perpetrating.
• Allowing can be disempowerment, enduring rather than full enjoyment.

To learn more see this pdf about Betty Martin’s Wheel of Consent.

If you’re ready to jump in, try this practice as a experiment and you’ll learn heaps!

Sex Lab: Practicing Consent

This practice can bring loads of awareness and be one of the best things you can do for you sex life!

Once a fortnight or so, set up a Sex Lab. Here the idea is to explore and see what you can learn. About your sexual sharing, about yourselves and your partners. 

The payoffs are experiencing the pleasure in identifying and getting something you really want. 

And of giving your partner something you know they really want too!

It’s likely to feel a bit clunky in the beginning, because it’s so formal. Remember, this is the Sex Lab where you experiment. There is no right or wrong, just learning. You can enjoy the benefits later in real time sexual exchange by having more confidence and freedom in asking, receiving and doing.

Start Gently!

It is easier to start with simple desires eg. having shoulders massaged, hair/face stroked, gentle kisses, genitals stroked without trying to make specific arousal happen. 

And avoid any requests that you already know cause triggers in your relationship. 

Step 1: Both partners discuss and agree to trialling one type of the above touches x 30mins, then swap. 

Step 2: The person being touched feels into themselves and identifies what kind of touch they would like to receive x 3 mins. They do this by closing their eyes, taking a couple of deep breaths and letting their desire arise from their body. When this desire pops up they feel a softening, a lift or a pull towards it They share this desire with their partner.

Step 3: Their partner feels into themselves as above and identifies whether this feels like a yes, or no to them. Even if we’re not totally into it, we may be willing to give it a try.

Step 4: If it is a genuine no for the doer, the idea brings a bodily contraction, they can respectfully ask for a different request, and both start again. 

This is important, because it stops us from doing something that doesn’t make us feel good and find our full yes. It also helps us see that our partner’s “no” is about them, not about us, helping us to not take it personally.

Step 5: Carry out the request x 3mins. The doer must make sure they stick to doing just what their partner has asked for. Without sliding into other areas eg. if it’s shoulders, stay just on the shoulders. 

Step 6: Then check in again- does the person want more of this, or something different. Repeat for the full 30mins. 

Step 7: If at any time the doer, or their partner, feels like the request has become uncomfortable for them, they can change it. By asking the partner to identify something else they would like. In this way, you are not rejecting them, you’re looking after yourself.

Step 8: Swap roles for the next 30 mins. 

Step 9: Discuss what you experienced in a non judgemental way. How was it for you? What you have learned? Did you see the places when you were trying to please your partner, rather than yourself? Did you find places where you were actually taking, not giving? Or did you notice you had no idea of what to ask for?  This is a great time to experiment with things, so if you give them a try and you don’t like them, you can change them. If you find new things you do like, you can add them to your lovemaking repertoire.

Either way, it’s a win win! And you’ll boost your communication in the bedroom, and may be even outside it as you practice.

And if you haven’t had any experience with taking and allowing before, we suggest you give it a try.
It can be very empowering and sexy to take what you want, or allow someone to take what you are willing to allow…with true consent of course!