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You are here: Home / Oztantra Blog

Relationship Breakdown, our National Tragedy

February 28, 2020 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Not Dealing With Relationship Breakdown

is

Our Hidden National Tragedy

 

Written By

 

https://intimaterelationships.com.au

 

Australians are reeling from the recent horrible & tragic consequences of a relationship breakdown in Brisbane, where a husband and father brutally murdered his wife and three small children, before stabbing himself to death.

There can never be an excuse for this kind of act.

Police had been involved

Prior to this horrific incident, police had been involved in this couples’ relationship breakdown, and had advised both of them to seek support regarding domestic violence and an ongoing dispute over child access.

Soon after this violent incident in Brisbane, an obviously distraught police investigator, who was involved at the scene of the crime, stated in a media interview:

 “Is this an issue of a woman suffering significant domestic violence and her and her children perishing at the hands of the husband, or is it an instance of a husband being driven too far by issues he’s suffered by certain circumstances into committing acts of this form?”

He has since been stood down for these remarks.

Listen to His Words..

What is happening to the system

What has happened to a system designed to support both the people (and  children) involved in a relationship breakdown in a fair, humane and equitable manner, or has the system itself become part of the problem?

My own personal experience of this system

My own personal experience of dealing with this system as a man back in 2000 pushed me to the edge, where I was out in the paddock with a gun, ready to end it all.

I believe this recent incident has brought further to the surface, the ugly side of how the complex issues of relationship breakdown are poorly understood and handled.

Information available has limitations

In writing this article, I have spent many hours searching, reading and deciphering statistics, statistics and more statistics.

One thing from that search became very clear: relationship breakdown and domestic violence are not gender issues, but people issues.

Finding an accurate picture is still very difficult, when (according to the ABS2017, Australian Bureau of Statistics) 87% of women don’t report domestic violence to the police and neither do 97% of men.

The reliable statistics we do have come from hospitalisation, coroner and police reports. The ABS2017 itself comments that their available data is limited, and are broadening their survey questions in an attempt to capture more of this picture.

Male suicide is barely the tip of the iceberg

Beyondblue survey has found  Ambulance data indicates 30,197 attendances for men who attempted or had suicidal thoughts between 2015 – 16, yet hospital figures identified only @10,000.

“This study tells us that what we know about male suicide is just the tip of the iceberg”   Beyond Blue Chair, Julia Gillard.

According to ABS2017, relationship breakdown is the common denominator for both men and women in exposure to violence, with 39% of women and 35% of men experiencing partner violence after separation.

An unpalatable truth

Surely these statistics show a perhaps unpalatable truth in the current social and political climate: that BOTH gendered partners are equally capable of unspeakable acts of violence and cruelty, in the common and highly volatile fuelled up and emotionally charged state of relationship breakdown.

See this next Link about the 2017 tragedy in Cairns, were Raina Thaiday murdered eight children in her care, aged from 27 months to 14 years, 4 boys and 4 girls. Seven of these children were her own, and a niece.

Police are forced to act

In my work as a Relationship Counsellor, I have regularly spoken to members of the police force involved in the hands on aspect of relationship breakdown.

They say that often they’re taking the wrong person ie. the man, away in handcuffs, where it is obvious that both people have been involved in creating the situation.

Making domestic violence a purely gender issue, and heaping all the blame and responsibility onto men, is I believe, making a bad situation worse.

We have a people problem, rather than a gender problem.

With partner violence, a woman is murdered every 6 days and a male every 10 days, yet when all other family members are included, such as children and siblings, victim numbers become relatively even.

My own experience of relationship breakdown

As a partner and parent, I went through my own relationship breakdown in 2000.

I still struggle to put into words the lasting effects of the systematic cruelty I experienced simply because I was a male. I lost my kids, I went from being full time with them to being ‘granted’ 4 days a month.

I was devastated, I spoke up and was simply told “this is the best things for the kids.”

How could I argue with that?

I still have those lawyer letters…

Under this system, my feelings were used against me

My emotionality, the fact I had feelings was used against me,  I was devastated, deeply hurting and just plain lost didn’t matter.

My wife and her lawyer deemed I was unfit to have any increase in  custody and even threatened an intervention order if I breached any of the ‘list of rules’, such as driving onto the property to pick my kids up.

I was forced to park out on the road, hundreds of meters away.

My solicitor was blunt when she cautioned me my actions or reactions were teaching and influencing my kids in how man treats women.

I had nowhere to go

My hands were tied with nowhere to go, but to suck it up.
Something died in me during this time.

My sense of loss and helplessness was, and still is painful even 20 years later.

Prior to our separation, as our long-term marriage faltered, we sought help.

During our couples counselling, I had my first gob smacking exposure to this undercurrent of bigoted ignorance towards men.

Why wasn’t I asked the same question ?

Our young woman counsellor asked my wife if she had ever been hit, or had experienced any form physical abuse or violence from me, to which she said no.

The counsellor moved on and I interrupted her and asked why didn’t she ask me that same question?

She just looked at me, as if I had suddenly contracted a contagious disease, then continued to move on.

I interrupted her and said that I had been hit on several occasions by my wife and what did she have to say about that?

Without a pause, she continued on with her diatribe and I lost much interest in couples counselling, even though we did try several others with even less success.

Some therapists make better truck drivers

Looking back, I see it now as total incompetence in relationship counselling, and I believe some therapists would make better truck drivers.

I see too that poor therapy is very damaging and that having no therapy is safer than bad therapy.

This is an article from ABC on poor therapy

Decades later, this whole event still saddens me.

My 3 children were also hurting and confused at that time. They felt then, and still feel, that I had abandoned them.

I didn’t want to end up in police custody

At their age, I couldn’t tell them what was really happening.

I wouldn’t say that I couldn’t see them simply because I was told by their mother and her lawyer that this is the way it is done.

And I didn’t say that any attempt by me to see more of them would most likely land me in police custody.

The local school could see what was happening, and suggested I come and sit with my children at school, especially my youngest.

My emotion was intense, my youngest just sat on my knee, clung to me and we both cried and cried. I only did this a couple of times, as it was too disruptive for everyone, including her class and teacher.

For me, losing access to my children, created in me a sense of powerlessness, overwhelm and pain that was and still is indescribable.

I am still shocked, decades later how cruel the system still is

I still shocked today, decades later, how heartless and inadequate our system was, and still is for vulnerable men who are hurting.

At no point during the first 18 months of separation was I given any credit or acknowledgement that I loved my kids or that I had a right to see them.

I was the token male whose sole function was purely for financial support and how dare I have feelings for my kids…

My access was measured and limited by financial reasons.

If I was allowed more than a certain number of days per year, the amount I paid would be reduced, which was determined by their mother and her lawyer.

My experience with the Family Law system was beyond belief, every step in this process took months and cost 000’s, with a greedy, heartless and extremely predatory legal system supporting it.

Meeting the Child Support Agency

After separation my ex’s legal genius advised her to remove all joint money and freeze all our bank accounts, in spite that I had agreed and supported her managing business accounts and finances.

On top of lost access, my cash and business accounts had gone or were frozen, despite having a business to run, to live plus child support to pay.

Now I just had to do it with no funds, business or other financial means.

I contacted the Child Support Agency explaining my situation.

They were very clear and stated that my next payment was due next week and they expected it to be made, otherwise there would be penalties.

There was no offer of support or guidance, just a simple threat “pay up or else, and it’s not our problem…”

That really pissed me off.

During the first 3-4 months of hell and indescribable agony of separation, I was slowly and steadily sliding into a deep dark hole.

I was in a bad way

I was unaware of my decline, I was in a bad way.

I remember a conversation at this time with my parents, about what was happening

They refused to believe it and declined to help me, stating that my ex “would never do a thing like that”.

I felt betrayed, I walked out and never had a conversation about that or much else with them again.

A few days later, I was out in the paddock with a gun, ready to end it all.

I held my breath and was about to pull the trigger, when the family dog jumped into the front of my ute with me and broke that spell.

I ended up out on the ground, vomiting, and I think I must have blacked out, as when I came out of it the dog was lying beside me with its head resting on my chest.

I broke into tears at the sheer helplessness of my situation.

From that point, I started to climb out my black hole.

I rang Lifeline later that day and a friend was on duty and I spilled my story.

As a current and active Lifeline counsellor, I knew Lifeline was absolutely brilliant, it is free, confidential & 24/7 for any phone call.

Plus, they have one of the most comprehensive computerised data bases of all local services available for people in crisis, like me.

My friends at Lifeline knew something was happening in my life, and after that call, my support really kicked in.

From that moment in time, I threw myself into every kind of self-learning and personal development I could lay my hands on so I could do better than just survive.

Some of this learning happened on weekends.

My ex refused to swap these weekends with me so I missed out on several with my kids during this healing phase, her routine was more important than kids seeing their father.

This meant sometimes four, and at one point six weeks between visits, even though they lived locally.

I will never get that time back.

If I was successful in my ‘attempt’ to end it all, nobody would have known my agony or my reasons, and most likely my actions would have been put down to a ‘mental illness’.

Even today, only a handful of people know my story and how I felt during that time.

Man up

It’s as if “men don’t have feelings, so man up and get over it…”.

Even life long friends bailed out of my life during that time.

From my own personal experience with this systematic form of ignorance, cruelty and torture, I understand (but do not excuse) how men take their own lives or, God forbid, act out something much worse.

According to the Australia Brotherhood of Fathers , 21 men in Australia commit suicide each week as a result of relationship breakdown and our Family Law System.

Out of a total of  @ 2,700 Australian (ABS2017) men who suicide each year, that’s over 1000 lives annually, lost to systematic ignorance and cruelty.

Continuing a one sided approach in managing our national tragedy of relationship breakdown and domestic violence is clearly not working.

We have a people problem, not a gender problem..

 

 

 

 

Sexpo Brisbane 2019: Was it More Than Porn, Flesh and Vibrators?

August 13, 2019 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Actually it was a bit confronting…

Our Sexpo experience led us to ask ourselves some interesting questions.

Now, we’re old enough not to be naive…(?)…about an event like Sexpo.

We knew it would be a very different environment from what we would find at, say, a Mind, Body & Spirit Festival. And we knew the surroundings would be in our face, over the top sexual. We had no problem annette and graeme at sexpowith that, in fact we enjoyed it.

In our talks it was a relief to know we wouldn’t raise any eyebrows being upfront about sex. In fact it was a challenge to be upfront enough!

And we loved seeing people wandering through the crowd expressing their sexual personalities through their outfits.

Sexpo is well run, without sleaze…

We found the event to be well run and professional, with a total absence of sleaze. And we guess putting on this kind of event would present more challenges than anyone could imagine. So well done to the organisers.

Where was the enjoyment at Sexpo?

What was confronting was seeing how much of an impact our sexual conditioning still, along with porn and technology, has on peoples sex lives.

The whole energy of Sexpo seemed to us to be about perfect looks, hard bodies and overt performances. Along with hundreds, if not thousands, of various pleasure enhancing gadgets for sale.

Yet we saw few people really enjoying themselves, actually being in their bodies and feeling their innate sexual energy. Even the absolutely stunning, near naked women we saw, projected little or no sexual energy.

People appeared reserved in their enjoyment of what was some quality entertainment. Maybe because it wasn’t a nightclub environment, without alcohol (up the front), people held back.

At the stand next door to us we did experience lots of  genuine enjoyment. The crew from Woodhoods’ penis outfits were seriously intriguing people.

And it definitely happened in the amateur strip competition. Participants challenged themselves to take a vulnerable leap of faith pole dancer like those at Sexpo.

Maybe the feeling was all happening down the back in the fetish and strip rooms. This is where the biggest line ups were.

We have no judgement about any of these aspects of sex. In fact, we’re tried and enjoyed many of them ourselves in the past. We want to know how people can enjoy them more…

Experiencing some Sexpo Virtual Reality

It took ourselves a while to settle into the space at Sexpo, to relax, be open and authentic. But we did and had a good (though after 33hrs, an exhausting) time.

We even tried out some V.R goggles for a surreal virtual sex experience, finding the technology a hoot.

We talked about sex

Our two talks on sexual healing went well.  We had some great conversations with people. Sharing the exploration of sex as a wholistic experience, one that we still have much to learn about. Rather than being a fixed performance we have to get right.

Annette talked to some sex workers too. They were struggling with the idea that, as sex workers they are now being seen as empowered beings. Ones able to give their clients incredible experiences every time. Rather than as human beings just doing their job, with good days and some not so good days.

We were forced to ask ourselves some questions

It has made us wonder, where has the authenticity, aliveness, the freedom, the intimacy and not to mention the heart gone in sex??

Sexy woman like those at SexpoMaybe it is just that as human beings we’ve been taught so well to numb out our innate sexual energy and put it in a box with a certain label. Perhaps our sexual conditioning doesn’t allow us to be seen having a good time in a public sexual environment? And maybe we don’t know how to enjoy our sexual feelings without having to express them in actual sex (which was illegal at the event)?

We know that the people who attend an event like Sexpo are a small percentage of the overall population, so what we experienced may not be representative of the majority of folk.

Sexpo lead us to ask:

Are people genuinely happy playing in superficial society, porn and technology induced sexual roles? Are we all afraid to seek the truth of our own core sexual energy? Has authentic sex become too scary and vulnerable, or just too unfamiliar?

And are we at Oztantra missing the point teaching sexuality Your heart- the sexiest organ in your bodythat is alive, free, joyous, intimate and heart based?

Love is not only romance

When we talk about heart in sex here we’re not talking romance. We’re referring to the deeper power within our hearts with the capacity to uplift us beyond our limitations and show us who we truly are.

This power was reflected recently in the movie Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen, when Freddie Mercury felt freddie mercury found more than a Sexpo lifethe call of his heart.

This call lead him to move away from his superficial sexual lifestyle and find the place in himself that felt truly like home, which he chose to share with a long term lover.

Authentic Sex

At Oztantra, we know there IS a place where sex can be authentic, vulnerable, free, deeply connecting and even exciting, without the pressure of performance.

And we’re unwilling to be seduced by what glitters alone.

We can enjoy and teach glitter, when it is based in gold.

At Oztantra, our aim is to keep looking for new ways to keep spreading the word about what is possible for all of us as sexual  beings, to expand awareness of our unique awesomeness and potential in sex, in relationship and in life.

To give those who are looking for something outside the social norm a real alternative.

Ways like Annette’s upcoming online course for women called “The Opening”, and a Relationship App with daily insights and activity reminders based on our book ‘Coming Together’ that you can share, whether you’ve been in relationship for a short, or a very long time!

 

Couple Communication: Finding the Gifts in your Messiness

June 24, 2019 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

We often call couples communication the finer art of the shit fight.

This is because it can get messy at the speed of light!

Part of the skill in couple communication is in learning how to get better at staying out of the messiness.

Another important part is getting better at dealing with the messiness once you’re there.Couples Communication can quickly get messy

Problems in communication are usually seen as the No.1 issue in relationships.

If effective communication in an intimate relationship was easy, everybody would be doing it. But if it isn’t don’t beat yourself up. Graeme and I have been doing it with awareness for years now and we still get caught up in domestics at times!

Couples talk is particularly difficult because communication here isn’t just an exchange of information and ideas. It’s the one place we can’t avoid the messiness of feelings, emotions and deep human need.

Not to mention that we’re communicating with someone who is extremely important to us. Someone that we don’t want to lose by messing things up. We probably carry fear too, about going back into places where we’ve been hurt in the past. Or where we’ve hurt our partner.

What’s really going on when communication gets messy?

Mostly what happens in moments of painful communication is that we make what is happening wrong. We put up walls around the discomfort that occurs inside of us.

Couples CommunicationMessiness might look like ‘something being wrong’, yet despite appearances, it’s actually part of your relationship growth cycle. Much relationship conflict comes from making the messiness wrong. And from losing connection with yourself as you try to avoid the uncomfortable feelings that result.

When you lose this connection, your partner becomes the enemy and you drop into strategies of defensiveness and protection. You seek control, rather than connection and understanding.

 

“Almost 90% of all human communication comes from the (usually unconscious) need to control.”
Saying What’s Real, 7 Keys To Authentic Communication, Susan Campbell, PhD

Exploiting the truth

In our human messiness, our logical minds try to help out by rationalising our behaviour. We exploit elements of the truth to get us off the hook of hurt. Speaking from our unfelt emotion, we go to elaborate efforts to justify our position. We also get very convoluted and irrational in our story-telling.

This is because our logical minds are compartmentalised, and their separate parts come up with different points of view. They can do this at the same time, even with totally opposing ideas! We then argue as if they all make sense. We take something that’s 10% true and elaborate it with 90% bullshit to make ourselves feel ‘right’ (ie safe). Graeme and I call this ‘going down the rabbit hole’.

Going down the rabbit hole

All this story-telling creates ‘mind-generated’ feelings that are mostly irrelevant to the feeling that was originally triggered. Couples Communication- couple arguingWe’ve known couples who’d get into near-relationship-ending fights over the simplest of issues. This is because each person held tightly to their chosen 10% truth/90% bullshit story.

Get curious about the messiness in your Couple Communication

Rather than getting caught up in the messiness of your 90% bullshit and trying to understand it, try something different.  See if you can identify the strongest negative point you’re trying to make (it’s usually about your partner).

This is where the gold is in your Couple Communication.

You can tell it by the sharp increase in emotion, the increased volume in your voice. It might be the knife twist in your gut or the desire to commit some kind of physical violence.Couples Communication getting violent

When you’ve identified it, counter-intuitive though it may appear, simply notice the response in your body that it creates. You might notice you’re tensing your shoulders, contracting in fear or wanting to attack, pull away, or go blank.

Getting grounded

Take a breath in and slowly let it out again, feel your feet, get grounded in your body. Taking this deep breath helps to soften your reaction. Your body will intuitively begin to feel safe, allowing you to thoughtfully respond rather than react. Any emotional discomfort will then pass more quickly because you’re not resisting it or escalating it.

Man being groundedThis will help you intuitively identify your 10% truth in the situation. Ask yourself what you’re avoiding in yourself by pushing this point? Most likely, you’ll see that it usually involves owning something imperfect and vulnerable about yourself that you want to hide.

At this point it seems easier to own it than to face going further down the rabbit hole. This is the gift of the messiness, it helps you get real if you know where to look.

Deflating your partner’s 90%

Take a risk if you sense that your partner is getting lost in their mind’s 90% bullshit and trying to hook you into their drama. Identify and own YOUR part in the 10% truth, because it will be there.

This truth is why the two of you unconsciously chose to be in relationship with each other so take the risk and show up here.  Doing so will change the fabric of your relationship.  Telling the truth, no matter how challenging it might appear from the outside, will reward you with an inner strength that is worth the risk.

The truth in you will help your partner to reconnect with what is true in themselves, if they can hear it.

Taking a breath and getting grounded helps you get present with what you’re saying and hearing.Creating Safety in Intimacy

It helps you realise that there is nothing you really need to prove, protect, defend or hide.

When you get this, you’ll find that love arises, making it easier for you to each change what you’re saying into something useful. And to listen more clearly.

This creates greater intimacy and closeness rather than misunderstanding, pain and separation in your relationship. It allows you to see your messy couple communication as a potential gift rather than a threat.

This blog is an excerpt from our book Coming Together: Solving the Mystery of Intimate Relationship, to see it click the link.

If you would like any personal support in your Couple Communication email us here.

 

 

 

Skin Hunger: Are You Suffering From It?

June 13, 2019 By Annette & Graeme 2 Comments

Skin Hunger: What is it?

Skin hunger is simply a desire for physical contact with another person—and it’s a very human desire. While we tend to think of intimate touch as a strictly sexual experience, skin hunger is mostly a longing for non-sexual touch.
Skin Hunger is cured by hugging

The topic of skin hunger presented itself after being at our recent Couples Retreat and seeing the glow that came of people’s faces after spending extra time getting close with each other. We encourage to take a closer look at this relationship building practice if letting your days go by without taking the time to connect physically with the one you love is becoming a common occurrence for you.

Over 40 years of research has shown that hugging enhances general wellbeing and promotes relaxation and bonding by releasing oxytocin, which is known as the ‘cuddle chemical’. The practice reduces your stress hormone cortisol levels too, as well as lowering the risk of anxiety and depression. Snuggling also lowers your blood pressure and enhances your immune system. In short, it’s a beautiful gift to give each other.

Being wrapped in the warm embrace of someone you trust can fulfil a wide range of emotional and physical needs you might not have even realised you had. Even if you’re not in a great place in your intimacy a simple hug can start to rebuild the bond between partners in ways beyond imagining.

Cuddling is so important it even became a movement. We attended a few ‘cuddle parties‘ that were popular a few years ago, which were parties set up for the explicit purpose of creating a safe environment for people (even complete strangers) to ‘cuddle’ in. To physically connect with each other without any sexual intent. It was amazing how comfortable people were quickly able to become with each other, although the first one was confronting for Annette as she realised she didn’t even know what non sexual touch was!

Suggestions for body contact

The 20 sec hug:

It makes a world of difference taking time to really be in a hug. It allows the exchange of all the goodies mentioned above, less frequently experienced by people who are in and out of a hug before they know it.

So the next time you go there try these steps:

– Let your partner know you would like to share a hug with them by making eye contact and asking.
– Make getting a no OK, it may just not be the right time for them.
– Put your arms gently right around each other.
–  Let your whole bodies melt together at the heart, belly and genitals.
– Take a slightly deeper breath than normal. Take two, or even three.
– Sigh gently on the exhale.
– Enjoy and be happy!

Holding each other as you sleep:

If you’ve let this habit fade away from the days when you couldn’t let go of each other, even to sleep, reach out and bring it back in.

– Lie in spoons position, one person behind the other, with the rear persons’ underneath arm resting under the neck of the person in front.
– Or lie side by side facing each other with your arms in a position you both find comfortable.
– Breathe and relax.
– Make it a non doing activity.
– Even if you don’t stay this way all night every moment counts.

Sleeping together naked:

This is a simple and beautiful way to let love in. The other benefits from the lushness of skin-to-skin contact that’s experienced in sleeping naked are not to be sneezed at either. NB. Naked works best but if this is too much for you, try as little clothing as possible. skin hunger is cured by sleeping together naked

– Lie physically naked in bed and hold each other, either spooning, or face to face. You may not stay this way all night, but you can start here.

– Give yourself permission to really feel the skin on skin and enjoy it. Breathe through any resistance or arousal that comes up, and relax into yourselves.

– Make it a ‘non-doing’ activity. Resist the urge to stroke or actively arouse yourself or your partner in any way. Give yourselves permission to just be. If you try it, you’ll find it’s a delicious treat for both of you.

Body contact is a beautiful way to reach out for happiness rather than suffering…

It increases your comfort in intimacy and although this is not about being sexual it makes being sexual together easier as it opens your hearts…

And makes your skin hunger a thing of the past!

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Annette 0437 966 696

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Recent Posts

  • Relationship Breakdown, our National Tragedy February 28, 2020
  • Sexpo Brisbane 2019: Was it More Than Porn, Flesh and Vibrators? August 13, 2019
  • Couple Communication: Finding the Gifts in your Messiness June 24, 2019
  • Skin Hunger: Are You Suffering From It? June 13, 2019

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