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Sex Is Not the Ultimate of Pleasure…

May 3, 2023 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

So says the Guru Osho
(who didn’t get a lot of things right, but about sex he was definitely a master.)

It is the beginning.

It is not the bliss supreme

But an echo of itwomen's pleasure

Sex is

one of the most

sacred things

because it is

through sex

that life arrives

And it is through sex

that you can penetrate to

the very source

of existence.

What are you doing with the gift of sex in your life?

Does it unconsciously control your life?

Is it controlling you in the way you need to be constantly thinking about, or managing it? Are you using it as a form of relief from your life, from yourself?

Are you giving yourself permission to discover all of your sexual desires?

Are you having moments of feeling free in throwing off your sexual repressions?

Giving yourself permission to be free from the control of your social/sexual conditioning?

Perhaps discovering something that society doesn’t allow- the freedom of just being yourself in sex?

Feeling relieved, lighter and grateful as a result?

Then not being able to wait until you can do it all over again?


Or are you using it as a true tantra practice?

Tantra
There is no right or wrong.

It is the choices that you make.

 

What is it you seek?

 

Sex as a meditation where sex is just the beginning? Where you come to the deepest possibility in it. Where you can transcend it. Where in deep sexual orgasm it is not sex that gives you the bliss. You see that sex is just the situation and that something else is giving you the euphoria and the ecstasy.

“Tantra says that it is a truth that sexual energy is the basic energy,
an energy that should be transformed into higher forms.”

The truth behind the erotic sculptures outside temples

The temple of Khajuraho has beautiful statues in all sexual postures. It was a tantra school that made the temple and those statues. And the first thing the student had to do was to meditate on each statue – and they are arranged in such a way that from one corner you go around the temple in a circle. It may take six months, but you have to watch each statue until you can Tantric Sexualitysee it just as a statue with no sexuality in it – and it is in a sexual posture. But just in your watching it, seeing it for months, it becomes a pure piece of art; all pornography disappears. Then you move to another. And all the perversions of human mind have been put into the statues.

And when you have circled the whole temple, only then will the master allow you inside the temple. Those six months are of immense meditation and of tremendous release, all repressions gone: you are feeling absolutely light. Then the master allows you in. And inside the temple there is no sexual statue; inside the temple there is nothing – emptiness.

Then the master teaches you how to go deeper into your meditation which has arisen in the six months, and now you can go very deep because there is no hindrance, no problem, no sexuality. And this going deep into meditation with no sexual disturbance means the sexual energy is moving with the meditation, not against it. That’s how it is transformed and takes higher forms.   -Osho. Taken from The Path of the Mystic, Chapter 38

Most of us in the west are not ready for this true kind of tantra.

 

We are still enmeshed with the perversion of sex, the deliciousness of it as it is, without seeking transcendence through it.

We are not ready to leave it yet.

For some of us it has taken us a long time to get here and we want to enjoy it more.

We are so used to being controlled by external forces. We do not realise that we have a choice in controlling the most powerful force- sexual energy.

 

Yet it is entirely blissful when we can be in our sexual energy but not controlled by it.

 

When we can be at choice in it.

Not needing, grasping, struggling.

Non attached.

Allowing.

Expanding.Doing some Sexploration

Surrendering.

Neither indulging or repressing.

Each moment dying to the past

and being born anew.

In freedom from all mind constructs,

Freedom from all mind games,

Freedom from all structures,

Freedom from the other

Finding the something more

That is the key towards the divinity.

If you would like to begin the path of finding more in your sexuality

 

Take some moments to pause in your sexual experiences. Whether you are making love with another, or self pleasuring.

Close your eyes, or look softly down.

Simply notice what you are experiencing.

Notice what feelings, sensations, awarenesses are present and allow them to be.

Notice what attachments, desires and limitations are present and allow them to be.

Breathe more deeply.man meditating

Allow

Let go

Surrender

Simply be.

Notice any shifts that happen within you.

Whether you call them divine or not, be open to what is.

 

If you would like to learn some tantric practices to take you beyond sex contact us here.

How to Melt Your Partner’s Heart in 4 Steps

April 19, 2023 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

By giving them the gift of feeling really seen…

One our deepest longings as human beings is to feel really seen, appreciated and loved. 

It helps us to feel that we are OK at a deep level (and to believe in ourselves).

It can help us feel more connected to the one who sees, appreciates and loves us.

One of the ways we can help our partners feel seen, appreciated and loved is through the art of giving.

There is a trick to giving though

Often when thinking of giving to someone, we think of what we imagine they would like to receive.

Which is usually a reflection of something we would like to receive. 

Because our partners are unique individuals in their own right, sometimes our gifts can really hit the mark, other times they can miss. Or even be way off target.

Annette and Graeme learned this by experience

Annette recalls years ago giving Graeme a gift voucher for a massage at a local Spa. This was something she really would have loved for herself.

To her surprise Graeme was really challenged by the idea and said it was last thing he could do. He wasn’t being mean, he had his genuine reasons. It was very early in his tantric journey and it’s something he would relish now. The main thing was it was off the mark back then.

Graeme was also initially surprised at the effect unexpectedly giving flowers had on Annette. To him it was a simple gift, yet the impact on Annette was profound. Flowers at first brought her to tears and continues to deeply open her heart to this day.

The same is also true of gifts given in the bedroom 

Whenever Annette gives Graeme’s lingam (wand of light, penis, cock) her direct attention without him having to wait, he really enjoys it. He finds he can let himself go in it just that bit more, feeling a deep level of acceptance. 

Graeme learned to allow Annette’s Yoni (sacred space) muscles to melt around his lingam as he entered her. Rather than him pushing his way through into her. This created a huge shift in Annette’s ability to fully receive Graeme. And for both of them to scale new heights in lovemaking.  

When thinking about giving, think of what they would really like

To find the answers to this somewhat difficult question there is a direct solution.

It’s to ask them.

Even if we think we know what they want.

This is because their answers can be very surprising!

They can even be unfathomable to us, but that doesn’t matter.

It’s what matters to them that is important here.

Asking involves a much higher level of vulnerability, but is worth it for the results.

The best way to do this is to make it a relationship practice.

Discuss the idea together and agree to try it. Agree to approach the practice from a place of non judgment of each others desires. This way you’ll make it safer for them to be expressed.

Step 1. Write a list of 10 things that you would most like to receive from your partner. 

They can be sexual, but they don’t have to be. They can be anything at all. 

Feel into your heart for a few minutes to uncover what you really want. It can be different from what you might first think.

Examples:

  • being read sexy novels to
  • having your hair brushed
  • just being held whilst naked
  • having an certain chore done
  • being touched ‘there’
  • sending a text during the day
  • help with budgeting
  • saying I love you before you leave for work 

There will usually be one partner who has trouble limiting their list to 10.

And there will be others who will have trouble getting past 1 or 2.

It’s important not to judge this difference, as it likely comes from childhood.

Make 10 the definite limit so you focus on the most important ones. If 1 or 2 is the most you can come up with, start with these. You may find over time it gets easier to identify your desires.

Don’t derail the process at the start.

It’s really helpful to avoid including any things that have any angst attached to them. This doesn’t mean avoiding things you fear your partner might laugh at, or not want to do (let them decide that). It means things that have caused negativity between you in the past. You might want to work on these areas as you get more practiced at communicating your desires. But it’s better to leave them out in the beginning, ensuring you’ll get the best results.

Step 2. Swap your list for your partner’s.

When you receive your partner’s list, let go of any judgments you may have. 

  • Refrain from commenting about anything on the list. 
  • Instead, receive them deeply. 
  • This is your partner’s vulnerability right on the page in front of you. 

Step 3. See what is possible for you. Scan and cross off the list any things that you genuinely couldn’t see yourself doing. But be prepared to stretch yourself a little in this if you can, there will be growth in it for both of you. You don’t need to tell your partner about your no’s.

Step 4. Give your partner the gift of offering them something from this list on a regular basis.

Not from obligation, from love. 

Let the love flow.

Know that your gift will help your partner feel really seen, appreciated and loved. 

Nb. If your partner doesn’t ‘get’ it straight away, let them know this is something off their list. 

Make it a practice to update your lists every 2 or 3 months.

More payoffs from this practice

With the little hurts that happen in our day to day relationships build up over time, our primal brain starts to unconsciously see our partner as a threat. This can cause us to want to protect ourselves, rather than reach out to connect with them. Giving heart opening gifts can help reverse this trend. It doesn’t replace sorting out the bigger issues, but it smoothes the way for them to be sorted.

This practice builds your relationship skills in:

– taking risks
– showing up
– listening without judgement
– seeing each other as unique individuals with unique desires
– stretching yourselves to meet your partners desires (where possible).

A great outcome from a simple heart opening practice!

 

 

Are You Letting Unexamined Myths Run your Sex Life?

March 29, 2023 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

We all have beliefs about sex.

Beliefs that have come from our families, our culture, our religion, the media and from our own experiences.

Any thought that you think repeatedly over a period of time and believe to be true (whether it is or not) is considered a belief.

Beliefs that have often been around so long you have stopped questioning them…

Or perhaps you’ve never questioned them.

We say that it is always a good time to question your beliefs. To work out whether they are true. It’s even better to work out if they are working for you, or against you. Knowing what benefits they provide, what limitations they may create.

Discussing your beliefs can be a great way of building depth, understanding and connection in your relationship too.

We offer 25 common beliefs here to give you a starting point.

Belief 1: Men and women’s genitals are totally different and there are only two types. Not actually true. Our genitals begin in the womb exactly the same and only differentiate at 6 weeks. The Y chromosome then develops and sends the male genitals to the outside. It’s why some people are born with a mixture of genitalia, as the individuation happens uniquely. This is also how women have a whole lot of arousal tissue under their labia, have a prostate and are able to ejaculate.

Belief 2: The clitoris consists of this little button at the top of a woman’s labia and that is all. The clitoris has now been found to have legs that extend from the head, or the glans of the clitoris. They extend down either side of the vagina, underneath the labia. Which makes arousal of the whole vulva area important to female pleasure.

Belief 3: Girls are born with an intact hymen that is ruptured by the penis during her first intercourse. When in fact the hymen comes in many shapes at birth, some intact, some with holes and some virtually non existent. Nothing to do with penetration, and to do with all sorts of negative consequences in some cultures. Bleeding during first sex is often more about roughness and a lack of lubrication, than a breaking of the hymen.

Belief 4: Before the full understanding of conception and the role of semen and sperm, men were thought to have nothing to with the creation of children. Women were thought to create babies all on their own.

Belief 5: Men are capable of having only one orgasm, and that this orgasm can only happen at the same time as they ejaculate. Even that orgasm and ejaculation ARE the same thing. Men have been found to orgasm and ejaculate separately, just the way women can both orgasm and ejaculate separately.

Belief 6: Masturbating whilst in a relationship means that you aren’t sexually interested in your partner. Not true at all. Masturbating can happen for many reasons- the partner is unavailable, or the persona is maintaining their most important sexual relationship- the one that begins with themselves from which all others spring from.

porn user

Belief 7: Men think about sex much more than women, every 7 seconds to be exact. Not true. Research discredits this persistent stereotype, which would amount to more than 8,000 thoughts about sex in 16 waking hours. In one study, the median number of young men’s thought about sex stood at almost 19 times per day. Young women in the study reported a median of nearly 10 thoughts about sex per day. Men and women in the study thought about food almost as much!

Belief 8: Women’s bodies are always hairless with tucked neatly tucked in labia… this has become a porn based myth that is not true. Having genital hair is a personal choice and labia come in all sorts of shapes, sizes and colours, and all are normal.

Belief 9: Sex is only good when you have an orgasm. The truth is determined by each individual couple. Some may include the degree of intimacy as a higher priority.

Belief 10: A man needs to have an erection to feel sexual pleasure. We’ve been in a room full of men in full bodied orgasm without an erection in sight. And a woman doesn’t need to be wet to be aroused.

Belief 11: The female GSpot doesn’t exist. Yes this one is still around. With just as many studies showing that the urethral sponge (GSpot) does exist, as does female ejaculation. It can just take time to awaken.

Belief 12: The size of the man’s penis determines the quality of the sex. Totally not true. It’s what he does with it that counts. It also depends on the size of the head, and even the angle of the penis. Good sex is also determined by the degree of female arousal. This is because arousal helps swell clitoral/vaginal tissues making them feel more snug. Even the tone of the pelvic floor muscles can make a difference.

For your information a review by the British Urology journal confirmed that (in Caucasian men at least):

  1. The average flaccid length of a penis is 3.6 ins/9.1 cms.
  2. The average circumference of a flaccid penis is 3.7 ins/9.4 cms.
  3. The average erect length of a penis is 5.1 ins/12.9 cms.
  4. The average circumference of an erect penis is 4.5 ins/11.4 cms

Belief 13: Female ejaculation is urine. The presence of prostatic hormones in ejaculation fluid show that it is chemically different to urine. Although at times it can be more chemically similar, especially if there is a lot of emotion going on, it is not the same. Ejaculation also comes from the prostate, not the bladder.

Belief 14: Orgasm and climax are the same thing. We say no, so do various studies. Of course, confusingly, some studies say they are the same. The typical definition of an orgasm is a peak of physical pleasure. One that is accompanied by pelvic floor muscle contractions, and for men the release of semen. Endorphins and oxytocin are released into the bloodstream. This is followed by a refractory period where no further arousal is possible. We would describe this as a climax. We find that orgasm can be defined as any experience of pleasure that expands through the body. And it’s accompanied by some sort of mind shift. A mind shift that makes us feel as if we are somehow different to how we were before. Our state will have changed. We have perhaps become more relaxed, more at peace, more open hearted, more connected etc.

Belief 15: Male sexuality is biological, female sexuality is psychological. We see that given the space, men bring a deep psychological and vulnerable aspect to their sexuality just like women do. It’s just that they are so often conditioned out of it and not given permission to express it. Ask any man who has been sexually rejected. And sex is often the only way a man can experience tenderness, softness, surrender, closeness, touch and affection in a culturally acceptable way.

Belief 16: Male sexuality is predatory in nature. Relationship therapist Esther Perel says in her experience it is the fear of being predatory that controls male sexuality more. For a man in relationship, seeing that he is pleasing his woman is such a turn on. Because it confirms that he is not hurting her, his deepest fear. Esther says women don’t have this fear. Women more often have a sense of caretaking. Taking care of her man before she can fully abandon herself to her own pleasure. She worries more about not pleasing him, than desiring to feel his pleasure.

Belief 17: Vaginal orgasms are the proper way for a woman to orgasm. Over 70% of women orgasm via the clitoris. She can often learn to orgasm vaginally, but it is not required. Mutual orgasms at the same time aren’t either. They’re nice when they happen but not worth pushing for.

Belief 18: It’s pathological if a man wants a lot of sex. It’s no more pathological than if a woman wants lots of romance or intimacy. Sex is his love language.

Belief 19: Women don’t like sex as much as men. They don’t want to initiate sex or be more in the active, rather than the passive role, in sex. And women are not as sexually adventurous as men. None of these are essentially true. Women have just been conditioned out of them for a few thousand years – good girls don’t, and girls who do are sluts. Given permission, which is happening more often these days, women can enjoy and seek sex just as much as a man.

Belief 20: Watching porn makes a man more likely to cheat on his spouse. In fact, the opposite has been found to be true.

Belief 21: If a man enjoys sexual touch by another man, or enjoys anal sex it makes him gay or bisexual. Same goes for a woman enjoying pleasure with another woman. These labels don’t apply unless you want them to.

Belief 22: Women want less sex as they get older. More often they want better sex as they get older. They do not peak sexually in their 30’s, they can peak at any age. It’s much more about how comfortable they feel with their bodies, themselves and their sexuality.

Belief 23: If a man loses his erection in sex it means he thinks his partner is not sexually attractive. A man can lose his erection for any number of reasons. Such as drinking too much, fatigue, stress about work or money, relationship issues or even past abuse issues. The same can be true for a woman who doesn’t orgasm during sex, it is not always about the skill of her lover.

Belief 24: Women are not as visually stimulated as men. Not true, again this is a symptom of their conditioning, they have simply shut it down.

Belief 25: Men who watch porn prefer it over sex with their partner. This is like comparing apples and oranges, they are two different things. If he IS preferring porn to sex with his partner, there is something else going on. As shown in the well researched book Ethical Porn for Dicks: A Man’s Guide to Responsible Viewing Pleasure by David Ley. Just like there is no officially such a thing as a sex addiction, something else is going on.

You can add even more of your own beliefs to explore.

Any thought that you think repeatedly that has a positive or a limiting impact on your sexual experience is worth exploring.

Managing Stress In Your Relationship

March 16, 2023 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Where tantra meets neuroscience…

It’s a good time right now to talk about managing stress, as there is plenty of it going around…financially, emotionally and relationally…

In the current world climate, it can be easy to find yourself shouting at your partner and hating the very sight of them. You might be believing they’re somehow failing you, or you are somehow failing them. You might be feeling unsafe, rather than wanting to be close, loving and intimate. You might be feeling stuck, rather than free, easy, holding space for your partner and yourself to be just as you are…

To manage stress, even to become a master of stress resiliency, you first need to understand it. This is where neuroscience can help.

Neuroscience reminds us there are two facets of stress- both the stress and the stressor.

And there are two kinds of solutions- the external and the internal.

Let’s start with understanding the difference between the stress and the stressor.

The stressors are the things that activate a stress response in your body, by indicating they can do you harm.

A stressor can be anything you see, hear, smell taste, touch, feel or imagine.

A stressor can be external to you:

  • a difficult conversation with your partner or your boss
  • a bill arriving in your Inboxwoman sleeping at washing machine
  • the latest home loan interest rate rise
  • an expectation of your culture for you to behave a certain way as husband, or wife
  • a smell that reminds you of an unpleasant encounter
  • an unwelcome touch
  • a reasonable request for attention from your partner that you do not have the energy to meet.

There are also internal stressors:

  • self criticismMan fearing the misunderstood cock
  • lack of self worth
  • lack of sleep
  • unresolved feelings from your last argument
  • memories
  • uncertainties about the future.

The stress is the neurological and physiological shift that happens when you meet one of these stressors.

It’s the rush of neurological and hormonal activity generated by your body, in its evolutionary adaptive response that helps us survive threats. Where we become instantly more switched on, focussed in the moment, ready to deal with whatever looms before us.

Whether it’s to run, fight or freeze.

We also experience a range of feelings such as annoyance, frustration, anger, anxiety, uncertainty, fear, numbness, sluggishness, disconnected.

Our entire body and mind changes in order to deal with this threat, perceived or real.

As we know, most of our threats are more psychological than physical these days. Unless you are unlucky enough to be a victim of a crime or domestic violence.Couples Communication getting violent

Once our stress response sees that it has been successful in dealing with the threat it relaxes, and there is relief or celebration. We then return to our normal resting and sociable state. All is right with the world and we once again feel safe.

Our stress response is built to be a short term response.

It’s meant to be immediately resolved.

Our stress response is not meant to be long term.

In modern life we have fewer life threatening stressors, but many more frequent ones.

Frequent small stressors make relationships complicated.

Because we might want to run away from our partner at times, in order to resolve our stress.Couples Communication can quickly get messy

Or to throw our wine in their face or strike out at them in the perceived (and occasionally real) threat they represent to us.

Yet we can’t.

We’re supposed to be nice, connected and loving.

And to stay in relationship with this person.

So we need more effective ways of dealing with the situation rather than just relying on our stress response.

Particularly as unresolved stress becomes chronic.

Our stress response keeps activating and we become stuck in the stress cycle.Boredom in the bedroom

We can unconsciously start to see our partner as a source of threat, rather than one of love, support and desire.

Leaving us feeling unsafe.

Making us want to protect ourselves, rather than reach out.

Chronic stress has many physical impacts

Chronic stress can leave us with high blood pressure and heart disease. It can have us reaching for the antacid tablets as the blood rushes to our muscles rather than our gut. This is so we can flee or fight, rather than our stomach digest, a secondary concern in times of stress. Blood doesn’t flow to our genitals as much either, for that matter. Chronic stress also leaves our immune functioning lowered and our sleep poor. Overall leaving us less equipped to deal with, or enjoy life.

Chronic stress can also leave us effectively “playing dead”. When the gazelle can no longer out run the lion, it plays dead. This is in the hope the lion will lose interest and leave it alone. In chronic stress playing dead can leave us feeling stuck and unmotivated, with no answers, nor ability to find any.

The impact of unresolved stress is pretty damning.

So how do we deal with BOTH the stress and the stressor?

We approach it from two different angles.

We find external solutions that deal with the stressor.

ie. we find the modern day equivalent of running from the lion.

We refinance our home loan, adjust our budget spending, change jobs, take time out until we can re-engage with our loved one, or we ask for help.

We make the time to share with our partners what is going on for us. We make the effort to listen non judgmentally when our partners share. We come back to a place of connection.

Even more importantly, we find internal solutions to clear the stress.

The physiological impact of stress that we still carry in all parts of our bodies. Even our hearts, minds and genitals.

The good news is that clearing our stress internally allows us to come up with easier external solutions. This is because we come back into safety and connection with more of our executive brain function.

Let’s get physical

We can do this firstly by getting physical. It’s the most efficient way to deal with stress.Hula hoop boundaries

Doing between 30-60 mins of exercise a day, in whatever form works for you. Whether it includes taking the stairs, going for a walk or run, having a game, doing a workout.

It’s even more efficient when we’re doing it with intent. Going for a run, or a bike ride, or dancing around the living room, actively knowing we’re releasing our stress.

There are other ways too.

Ways that are more tantric. Such as:

  • deep breathing
  • meditating
  • having a good cry (watch your fave weepy movie)
  • throwing a temper tantrum to safely release anger (in a private space)(very tantric!)
  • expressing your feelings creatively through journaling or art
  • getting a good nights restFreedom after healing sexual abuse
  • having positive social interactions. This is where connecting with your girlfriends, or your mates, can be a more effective stress reliever than your partner. (Provided you don’t just whinge about your partners.
  • having a good laugh (hang out with friends or watch your fave funny movie)

You can also choose to promote stress relief WITHIN your relationship

This kind of intimacy also works beyond the level of the mind to show you that you are once again safe.
Creating safety and connection at the same time.

You can do this through affection, by hugging each other until you’re BOTH relaxed for example.

Or lying together and deep breathing.

Or as relationship researcher John Gottman suggests, doing the six second kiss.

You need to connect to the part of you that still loves this person (trusting that you do in there somewhere) to be able to complete these suggestions.

You can even occasionally have sex to help relieve tension.

Be aware that having this kind of sex consistently drains energy from your pleasure, and from your relationship. It is much better for your sex life, and your relationship, to come to sex already relaxed and connected.

Each of these solutions are backed by scientific research.

They’re also supported by tantric philosophy that sees stress as withheld energy that needs clearing, making way for pleasure and connection to arise.

You’ll know you’ve cleared your stress because you’ll feel clear, alive, safe, ready and able to connect with the world again.

Bringing us home to ourselves, to life, and to each other again.

a couple scaling heights

If you would like support to become stress resilient in your relationships contact us here and we’ll support you in finding your unique way forward.

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CONTACT US:

Graeme 0457 966 696
Annette 0437 966 696

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Recent Posts

  • Sex Is Not the Ultimate of Pleasure… May 3, 2023
  • How to Melt Your Partner’s Heart in 4 Steps April 19, 2023
  • Are You Letting Unexamined Myths Run your Sex Life? March 29, 2023
  • Managing Stress In Your Relationship March 16, 2023

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