Relationship & Sexuality Counselling Specialists

OZ tantra are Relationship Counselling Specialists

Are You Letting Unexamined Myths Run your Sex Life?

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We all have beliefs about sex.

Beliefs that have come from our families, our culture, our religion, the media and from our own experiences.

Any thought that you think repeatedly over a period of time and believe to be true (whether it is or not) is considered a belief.

Beliefs that have often been around so long you have stopped questioning them…

Or perhaps you’ve never questioned them.

We say that it is always a good time to question your beliefs. To work out whether they are true. It’s even better to work out if they are working for you, or against you. Knowing what benefits they provide, what limitations they may create.

Discussing your beliefs can be a great way of building depth, understanding and connection in your relationship too.

We offer 25 common beliefs here to give you a starting point.

Belief 1: Men and women’s genitals are totally different and there are only two types. Not actually true. Our genitals begin in the womb exactly the same and only differentiate at 6 weeks. The Y chromosome then develops and sends the male genitals to the outside. It’s why some people are born with a mixture of genitalia, as the individuation happens uniquely. This is also how women have a whole lot of arousal tissue under their labia, have a prostate and are able to ejaculate.

Belief 2: The clitoris consists of this little button at the top of a woman’s labia and that is all. The clitoris has now been found to have legs that extend from the head, or the glans of the clitoris. They extend down either side of the vagina, underneath the labia. Which makes arousal of the whole vulva area important to female pleasure.

Belief 3: Girls are born with an intact hymen that is ruptured by the penis during her first intercourse. When in fact the hymen comes in many shapes at birth, some intact, some with holes and some virtually non existent. Nothing to do with penetration, and to do with all sorts of negative consequences in some cultures. Bleeding during first sex is often more about roughness and a lack of lubrication, than a breaking of the hymen.

Belief 4: Before the full understanding of conception and the role of semen and sperm, men were thought to have nothing to with the creation of children. Women were thought to create babies all on their own.

Belief 5: Men are capable of having only one orgasm, and that this orgasm can only happen at the same time as they ejaculate. Even that orgasm and ejaculation ARE the same thing. Men have been found to orgasm and ejaculate separately, just the way women can both orgasm and ejaculate separately.

Belief 6: Masturbating whilst in a relationship means that you aren’t sexually interested in your partner. Not true at all. Masturbating can happen for many reasons- the partner is unavailable, or the persona is maintaining their most important sexual relationship- the one that begins with themselves from which all others spring from.

porn user

Belief 7: Men think about sex much more than women, every 7 seconds to be exact. Not true. Research discredits this persistent stereotype, which would amount to more than 8,000 thoughts about sex in 16 waking hours. In one study, the median number of young men’s thought about sex stood at almost 19 times per day. Young women in the study reported a median of nearly 10 thoughts about sex per day. Men and women in the study thought about food almost as much!

Belief 8: Women’s bodies are always hairless with tucked neatly tucked in labia… this has become a porn based myth that is not true. Having genital hair is a personal choice and labia come in all sorts of shapes, sizes and colours, and all are normal.

Belief 9: Sex is only good when you have an orgasm. The truth is determined by each individual couple. Some may include the degree of intimacy as a higher priority.

Belief 10: A man needs to have an erection to feel sexual pleasure. We’ve been in a room full of men in full bodied orgasm without an erection in sight. And a woman doesn’t need to be wet to be aroused.

Belief 11: The female GSpot doesn’t exist. Yes this one is still around. With just as many studies showing that the urethral sponge (GSpot) does exist, as does female ejaculation. It can just take time to awaken.

Belief 12: The size of the man’s penis determines the quality of the sex. Totally not true. It’s what he does with it that counts. It also depends on the size of the head, and even the angle of the penis. Good sex is also determined by the degree of female arousal. This is because arousal helps swell clitoral/vaginal tissues making them feel more snug. Even the tone of the pelvic floor muscles can make a difference.

For your information a review by the British Urology journal confirmed that (in Caucasian men at least):

  1. The average flaccid length of a penis is 3.6 ins/9.1 cms.
  2. The average circumference of a flaccid penis is 3.7 ins/9.4 cms.
  3. The average erect length of a penis is 5.1 ins/12.9 cms.
  4. The average circumference of an erect penis is 4.5 ins/11.4 cms

Belief 13: Female ejaculation is urine. The presence of prostatic hormones in ejaculation fluid show that it is chemically different to urine. Although at times it can be more chemically similar, especially if there is a lot of emotion going on, it is not the same. Ejaculation also comes from the prostate, not the bladder.

Belief 14: Orgasm and climax are the same thing. We say no, so do various studies. Of course, confusingly, some studies say they are the same. The typical definition of an orgasm is a peak of physical pleasure. One that is accompanied by pelvic floor muscle contractions, and for men the release of semen. Endorphins and oxytocin are released into the bloodstream. This is followed by a refractory period where no further arousal is possible. We would describe this as a climax. We find that orgasm can be defined as any experience of pleasure that expands through the body. And it’s accompanied by some sort of mind shift. A mind shift that makes us feel as if we are somehow different to how we were before. Our state will have changed. We have perhaps become more relaxed, more at peace, more open hearted, more connected etc.

Belief 15: Male sexuality is biological, female sexuality is psychological. We see that given the space, men bring a deep psychological and vulnerable aspect to their sexuality just like women do. It’s just that they are so often conditioned out of it and not given permission to express it. Ask any man who has been sexually rejected. And sex is often the only way a man can experience tenderness, softness, surrender, closeness, touch and affection in a culturally acceptable way.

Belief 16: Male sexuality is predatory in nature. Relationship therapist Esther Perel says in her experience it is the fear of being predatory that controls male sexuality more. For a man in relationship, seeing that he is pleasing his woman is such a turn on. Because it confirms that he is not hurting her, his deepest fear. Esther says women don’t have this fear. Women more often have a sense of caretaking. Taking care of her man before she can fully abandon herself to her own pleasure. She worries more about not pleasing him, than desiring to feel his pleasure.

Belief 17: Vaginal orgasms are the proper way for a woman to orgasm. Over 70% of women orgasm via the clitoris. She can often learn to orgasm vaginally, but it is not required. Mutual orgasms at the same time aren’t either. They’re nice when they happen but not worth pushing for.

Belief 18: It’s pathological if a man wants a lot of sex. It’s no more pathological than if a woman wants lots of romance or intimacy. Sex is his love language.

Belief 19: Women don’t like sex as much as men. They don’t want to initiate sex or be more in the active, rather than the passive role, in sex. And women are not as sexually adventurous as men. None of these are essentially true. Women have just been conditioned out of them for a few thousand years – good girls don’t, and girls who do are sluts. Given permission, which is happening more often these days, women can enjoy and seek sex just as much as a man.

Belief 20: Watching porn makes a man more likely to cheat on his spouse. In fact, the opposite has been found to be true.

Belief 21: If a man enjoys sexual touch by another man, or enjoys anal sex it makes him gay or bisexual. Same goes for a woman enjoying pleasure with another woman. These labels don’t apply unless you want them to.

Belief 22: Women want less sex as they get older. More often they want better sex as they get older. They do not peak sexually in their 30’s, they can peak at any age. It’s much more about how comfortable they feel with their bodies, themselves and their sexuality.

Belief 23: If a man loses his erection in sex it means he thinks his partner is not sexually attractive. A man can lose his erection for any number of reasons. Such as drinking too much, fatigue, stress about work or money, relationship issues or even past abuse issues. The same can be true for a woman who doesn’t orgasm during sex, it is not always about the skill of her lover.

Belief 24: Women are not as visually stimulated as men. Not true, again this is a symptom of their conditioning, they have simply shut it down.

Belief 25: Men who watch porn prefer it over sex with their partner. This is like comparing apples and oranges, they are two different things. If he IS preferring porn to sex with his partner, there is something else going on. As shown in the well researched book Ethical Porn for Dicks: A Man’s Guide to Responsible Viewing Pleasure by David Ley. Just like there is no officially such a thing as a sex addiction, something else is going on.

You can add even more of your own beliefs to explore.

Any thought that you think repeatedly that has a positive or a limiting impact on your sexual experience is worth exploring.

Women’s Pleasure: Is the idea that it is overly complicated true?

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Is it making women’s pleasure more elusive?

Leaving men confused and women frustrated.
And both missing out on the pleasure they are capable of.

It is surprising how much of our reality is influenced by the beliefs of our time.

You might think it’s just you in the bedroom with your partner. Yet there are many other voices in the background as well, both heard and unheard. Voices that help determine women’s pleasure. And man’s.

Maybe it’s “women must bear these things for the compensating joys of motherhood”.

Or “It’s a man’s obligations to sow his wild oats so he can show off his experience to his woman”.

Or even that “sex is dirty, you shouldn’t be doing it.”

One of the most detrimental ideas we carry about sex is that women’s pleasure is complex and tricky, and men’s is simple and straightforward.

It’s detrimental because believing this puts us on the back foot in approaching female sexuality. Whether it’s our own, or our partners.

And this idea is possibly not even true.

It’s possibly something we’ve simply come to believe.

Women’s pleasure statistics

Now a large, collaborative study published in the Archives of Sexual Behaviour  has revealed that 95% of women orgasm every time they practice solo sex.

This drops to around 65% in women when they are with a known male partner. And it drops even further in casual sex experiences with men. This same drop is not experienced in lesbian sex.

Whilst (straight) men are shown to orgasm “usually-always” 95% of the time. This is whether they’re alone, with a long time partner, or having casual sex.

There are several reasons for this pleasure gap

The people who responded to the survey may have been more comfortable in their sexuality (although it was a very large survey, over 52,000),

In masturbation the orgasm for a woman could be serving a purely functional, even stress relieving purpose. In other words, it’s kept simple.

In sex, especially with a male partner, it is easier for a woman to get her orgasm tangled up with desires for romance, intimacy and commitment. Which would make it easier for her to lose focus on achieving her orgasm.

Though we still have a way to go, the rise of female power and equality is happening across the world. But even in this emancipated day and age, a woman is still likely to give her man’s orgasm a higher priority than her own.

A woman will give a man’s orgasm higher priority because:

  • she has a lifetime of conditioning to give to others before herself.
  • both her and her man have been conditioned by the patriarchal system to think he is entitled to his orgasm every time, and she is not.
  • women still hold a lot of shame about their pleasure and can hold it back in front of their partner.
  • she has been conditioned by the patriarchal, goal oriented way of viewing sex that doesn’t work for her feminine body, leading her to not be in touch with what it wants, or how to ask for it (even though she can easily order three different kinds of lattes, muffins and smoothies).
  • she doesn’t want to offend him by making him think he’s not doing it right.
  • it’s common for her to endure suffering eg. in periods and childbirth. So it’s easier for her to endure a lack of pleasure long enough for him to come, rather than cause offence.
  • she has got really good at faking her orgasms.

Yet underlying all these are two very powerfully held beliefs.

Firstly, that a woman’s pleasure is complex and tricky, so it is easier to give up on.

And secondly, that a man’s pleasure is simple, like a microwave, 30 secs and beep, beep, beep, he’s done. Giving him no reason to hold it back, just a little more effort and it’s done.

These beliefs are doing both men and women a disservice.

It:

  • makes a woman’s pleasure seem more daunting, and off putting to seek.
  • keeps her in a straight jacketed, uninformed way of thinking about her pleasure capacity.
  • keeps both thinking that one good come and he’s done. This view of male sexuality is a very limited, purely biological one.
  • short circuits man’s ability to have the more deeply fulfilling, full bodied, multiply orgasmic pleasure he is capable of.

How would it be to believe that both mean’s and women’s pleasure were more similar than different?

Both deserving of time and attention.

Both deserving of a curious, rather than a goal oriented approach.

In a goal oriented approach you have a pre determined outcome that you try to achieve.

A curious approach is more experimental and open ended ie. let’s try this and see what happens.

Leaving both lovers more in the moment, in their bodies, aware of their responses, open to seeing their desires.

Women who orgasmed more frequently were more likely to receive more oral sex, deep kissing, manual genital stimulation in addition to vaginal penetration, have longer duration of sex, be more satisfied in their relationship, ask for what they want in bed, praise their partner, be flirtatious and adventurous eg. use sexy talk and lingerie, and express love during sex.

Wouldn’t men benefit from this variety of approaches to more parts of their body as well?

Leaving them more capable of experiencing more extended pleasure.

Not to mention leaving them more interested in trying a few tantric tips. Tips that leave both lovers even more more in the moment, in their bodies, aware of their responses, open to seeing their desires. Leading them to higher states of ecstasy and bliss, and receiving more of the benefits.

Pleasure Benefits such as:

  • enhanced mood and body confidence
  • reduced stress and better sleep
  • improved relationships through more enhanced oxytocin levels
  • better communication
  • boosted immune system
  • improved skin
  • increased release of the body’s natural painkillers, called endorphins, which are released during touch and sex.

There are, and likely always will be differences between men and women’s pleasure, and their psyches, sexually speaking.

But perhaps it’s time to put some of those differences to bed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Myth Called Porn Addiction

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Porn addiction is a myth.

On numerous occasions, we have come across people in relationships who are struggling with what they believe is an obvious problem. They believe their problem is one partner’s addiction to big bad porn.  We commonly find it is not actually the porn addiction that is the the problem. It is a symptom.

In his article “Why we Should Stop Calling Porn Addiction an Addiction”, Sex Psychology 2015, Dr. Justin Lehmiller has measured brain waves of drug addicts and porn users. He found that porn has the opposite effect on brain waves that drug addicts experience This indicated that porn should not be called an addiction, the word addiction should be replaced with something else.

Porn is easy to blame

It is confronting for couples to realise that blaming porn merely shifts the focus away from what is really going on in their relationship. It shifts responsibility to something that is cloaked in shame and conveniently easy to blame.porn user

Anything which is done in secrecy and isolation usually leads to shame. Isolation and shame then make it difficult for those involved to share true intimacy with others.  Especially with society turning up the heat by publicly blaming or shaming porn.

Many men are already afflicted by sexual shame, due to unresolved sexual projections from society, religion, the media and even therapists’ unresolved issues about sex. Demonising porn just makes it worse.

We believe that porn itself is not wrong

It’s the behaviours that go on around it that make it so.

Porn targets sexual desire and sexual vulnerability. It’s also reliable, and without fear or rejection, something sex in the real world is definitely not!  It gives the watcher a place to indulge their desire for sexual variety without risking going outside their relationship. Porn creates a fantasy of fulfilled sexual desire, enticing with its easy access and its privacy. Particularly when the watcher doesn’t have to deal with any messy emotional crap. It can leave men thinking this is how all sex should be, instant gratification with little effort or emotion.angry woman

This pisses most women off, and rightly so.

Many men struggle with the emotional intensity of relationship. Not because they are incapable of feeling. But because they have been shamed about, or indoctrinated not to feel or express their emotions.   It is important to understand that, given the opportunity, men are highly capable of emotional work. We see it all the time. Especially with the right motivation – the potential for truly fulfilling sex.

A different perspective

As a woman, you might be feeling the hackles on your neck standing up at this image of a man taking the easy way out. Take a moment to see things from his perspective, through an example a bit closer to home. The romance industry, widely available through movies, books, advertising and chats with your girlfriends is like porn. It exerts an equally manipulative effect on a woman, similar to the impact that porn has on men.  Stories of instant attraction to a perfect man offering a woman everything her heart desires with very little real effort on her part is the female flip side of porn.  These romantic fantasies have a similar romantic couple“passive making” impact on women. They create many false expectations for men to live up to, and leave women frustrated when they don’t.

The difference is, romance has general society’s support and its effects slip beneath the radar. While men carry the worlds’ unconscious judgment and shaming of their desires for sex and porn. This adds even more intensity to their feelings of sexual shame and emotional inadequacy. Shaming any man about his porn habit is shaming the man deep into his core. This shame accumulates and can eventually shut him down, both sexually and emotionally. Leaving women frustrated at his increasing lack of availability.

Whether we like it or not, porn is spreading

According to Pornhub, women are the fastest growing demographic of porn consumers, especially younger women. Women are reported to watch porn out of curiosity, to spice up their sex lives and learn new techniques. Some women, like men, watch it to satisfy their lust. Children as well are becoming exposed to porn, and doing so at earlier ages due to its easy availability. This is a concern if they are viewing it without the context of real life sex to balance it with. Yet the vast majority of porn users remain men.

There are some positives with porn, as is it can be way to keep sexuality alive when sex is not available. It can also spice things up in the bedroom for a while… But, by targeting these desires, pornography creates a fantasy experience for the watcher that will still ultimately leave them “high and dry”.

It’s a visual performance, not a reality.

Because that is all porn can ever do is create an illusion of satisfaction.

A Lingam Massage will open your man's heart
One that will ultimately end in frustration for the user. This frustration usually results in more porn watching in an unconscious attempt to achieve the fulfilment is truly longed for. This is desensitising, ending in a loss of sexual and emotional feeling. Either numbing it down, making it difficult to get, or maintain an erection, or to ‘come’ without intense stimulation. More and more young men are resorting to use of Viagra to deal with what is essentially, a disconnection from self.

At this point, the issue IS porn

It’s vital to track back to what is behind the need for porn, the need to dissociate from the full spectrum of feelings we are capable of.  A something else that makes it so much easier to blame porn and overlook what is really happening.

Each couple are different, unique, so one size does not fit all, but the negative influence of porn can be beaten, all it takes is the right approach and mindset.  Each couple must find their own solution. It starts with understanding the solution is ultimately found outside of where they believe the problem lies.

Learning the skills in tantra is a great next step

Porn is something that we watch, it’s focussed on the visual. Where women are effortlessly wet and men are permanently hard. In tantric sex, thrusting doesn’t need to be continually hard for pleasure to be had. In fact, a man does not even need to be hard at all to experience full bodied orgasm.

Tantric sexuality
Truly satisfying sex, as in Tantric sex, comes from how it feels rather than how it looks. In fact, when it’s really good, we don’t give a damn about how it looks! Tantra is actually pretty boring as a visual medium, as the action (and the magic) is more internal…(Tantric sex would never become an Olympic sport..) Tantra teaches us that there is incredible pleasure, and satisfying connection to be found in the slower, deeper moments, as much as the active ones. Especially if you consciously deep breathe, which is not something you’ll see actors doing in mainstream porn…

 

Men and Women Touch Differently

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Have you ever recoiled from your lover’s touch because it was too much, too soon?

Or have you ever got bored waiting to be touched where you really, really want it?

This is not always your lover’s fault.

It’s about understanding each other’s bodies more accurately.

You’ve probably noticed that men’s and women’s bodies are different.

Even though they start life in utero exactly the same in baby girls’ and boys’ bodies.

Then at a few weeks old a nifty little thing called the ‘Y’ chromosome develops, causing the male genitals to shift to the outside (with occasional exceptions). This shift, along with the different hormonal framework in men and women, causes a difference in how they respond to touch.

Understanding this difference makes it much less confusing, and much more rewarding, to touch each other.

A Woman’s Body

In her body, woman’s sexuality works from the outside in, from her extremities to her genital centre, her yoni. She’s capable of a high level of energetic intensity and touching her from the outside in really pays off. It it isn’t her body will not only not awaken fully, it will turn right off.

When you touch a woman, to keep it simple, no matter where you’re touching her start from the outside and work slowly towards the centre. This helps her feel safe enough to relax and open more deeply.

Imagine that she has a bikini on and the parts covered by the bikini are touched last.

– With her body start at the top of her head and the tips of her fingers and toes, and work your way to her centre.

– If you touch her breast, start at the outside and slowly make your way to its apex, the nipple.

– If you touch her sexual centre, her Yoni, start outside with her belly, inner thighs, pubic area and her perineum- these last two are important parts of her arousal system.

– If you move to her Yoni itself, start at the outer lips, then the inner lips (whether the inner lips are smaller or larger than the outer lips), then the clitoris. The clitoris and internal arousal tissues extend underneath these lips, so including them assists in her overall arousal.

– If you touch the inside, begin at the entrance, taking your time, and then move to the GSpot then eventually the cervix area.

– Vary your touch in pressure, speed and between stroking, massaging, tapping, licking and even holding it still.

Given time and proper awakening, a woman is capable of high states of bliss, where relaxation, pleasure and love merge into one in her body, heart, mind and soul. A woman’s sexual energy is magnetic, attracting, and negative in polarity. Lovemaking transforms this negative energy into positive, which is why a woman often has an excess of energy after sex and wants to talk. When her energy is fully transformed, she feels whole in herself, and open to her lover but not needy of him. Her breathing deeply and exhaling through her mouth as she is being touched helps create this energetic shift.

Nb. There may be times when a woman doesn’t want a slow approach, it’s always best to check in with her desires first.

A Man’s Body

His sexuality works from the inside out, from his genitals to the rest of his body. When you touch a man’s body, start at his sexual centre, his Lingam.

A man’s sexuality has traditionally been thought of as straightforward like a microwave: give him two or three minutes and beep, beep, beep, he’s done. His ejaculatory orgasm is generally seen as the apex of his experience, with sex and love being completely separate. This is of course a gross misunderstanding. It’s merely the outcome of his conditioning, rather than his ultimate sexual reality. Given time, a man is capable of matching a woman’s sexual intensity, including her capacity for multiple orgasms (both with and without ejaculation). Given time he can meet her in her multi-dimensional sexuality too, that includes intimacy, emotion and spirituality.

Start at the man’s sex centre, then invite him to spread his sexual pleasure through the rest of his body, rather than remaining and being released from here. Beginning at his centre, he can relax and expand, seeing that he doesn’t need to wait until those few moments right at the end for his pleasure. (The one exception to this is beginning at his PSpot (his prostate gland) – he needs to warmup to this one!)

He can spread his pleasure by breathing deeply and exhaling out through his mouth, imagining as he does so that he is lifting his sexual energy up into his heart as he inhales, and is spreading it through the whole of his body as he exhales. Where the mind goes the energy follows.

Help him by keeping one hand on his Lingam and use the other (and the rest of your body) to stroke his pleasure outwards to his extremities. Do remember that his breasts and nipples are pathways to pleasure and heart opening just like a woman’s so don’t be afraid to give these some attention along the way.

Man’s sexual energy is electrical, positive and discharging in polarity. Lovemaking transforms his positive energy into negative, which is why it can be draining for him to discharge his energy and send him to sleep This is where Tantric-style lovemaking, where he moves his energy up and through his body first, is a more restorative pathway. It allows him to charge his body with positive energy and retain more of it when he ejaculates.

Connecting together

Though you might start in different places one way to connect both of you to your bodies at the same time is that while the man is pleasuring the woman, she can hold his Lingam, either in stillness or lightly stroking it. Using lubrication will help him to relax into her touch. Because this connects him with, and validates his sexual centre, he’ll be happy to touch and stroke her, taking all the time she desires. It’s also a great motivation for him to practise his energy spreading practices so he can enjoy for a long time.

She can just hold him, or occasionally lightly stroke him, without distracting her from her own experience. She can also benefit from feeling the rise of his sexual energy in his lingam and feel it echo in her own body’s response.

It’s a win win.

If you would like more details on how to touch each other contact Annette or Graeme here.

Layers of Lovemaking

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What comes to mind when you think of making love?

Is it connection, sensuality, pleasure, excitement, orgasm, release or something else?

Is it one or two of these things, or all of them? oral sex lover

Do you even call it making love? Or for you is it having sex, getting laid, rolling in the hay, even hiding the banana in the fruit salad?  Apparently there are over 400 different words we have for this one act and what you like to call it can give you some clues as to the layers in it for you.

Think about it, no matter what you call it or do with it, making love is a multilayered ritual going on all around the world, in each country, city and town in each moment and has been since the beginning of time, no other human ritual is as primal as this one.

Here we identify the many layers that make up making love so you can see what is in it for you right now and what else you might like to explore:

The 9 layers of Lovemaking:

  1. Arousal is the awakening of your physical sexual response- that hot, tingling, aliveness in your body, commonly accompanied by body tension.
  2. Desire- the strong feeling of wanting to make love that can come from a thousand different places, often varying each time ie. the desire to feel pleasure, connection, wanted, ravished, to take or be taken, nurtured, loved, released etc.
  3. Eroticism: the actions intending to arouse sexual desire.
  4. Sensuality is gratification of the five senses- sight, sound, smell, taste and touch, which can involve sexual pleasure but is not limited to it.
  5. High states of arousal can equally be found in high levels of relaxation when activated by the breath.
  6. Emotional connection though the sharing of intimacy and love within sex.
  7. Polarity play between masculine and feminine energies of action/dominance/penetration and beingness/surrender/receptivity.
  8. Orgasm is where sexual pleasure rises to a peak, explodes and then subsides, with or without pelvic floor muscle contrations. During the explosive peak there is an experience of “little death’ or loss of the Ego rational mind, a moment of freedom from the idea of Self.
  9. Transcendence where we go beyond the conditioned mind into a spiritual like state of freedom, being or bliss.

How would you choose to bring in new layers to what you’re currently experiencing?Spiritual Lovemaking with Tantra

If you would like some support in doing so contact us here and begin the conversation about what might be possible!

Touching Men & Women Differently

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As you may have noticed Men’s and Women’s bodies are different…

On the outside, the inside and in how they work.

When it comes to the way we like being touched we’re quite different too.

There are reasons for this, it’s how our bodies are wired, women magnetically and men electrically, we just need to learn how to make the most of them. Of course, as individuals we’re all unique in what we like but we can start with some common ground:

A Woman’s Body

A woman’s body is magnetic in its energy, attracting all over sensations in order to build the high level of sexual intensity she is capable of. Her sexuality is built of many layers and like a crockpot she is at her best over time. Her body works from the outside in, from the top of her head and the tips of her fingers and toes to her centre.

Touching a woman you start from the outside and work slowly towards the centre. Imagine she has a bikini on and the parts covered by the bikini are where you touch last. Stroking the less obvious places like her face, the back of her neck, her ams, hands, feet, inner thighs and buttocks all add to her sexual fire.

In touching her breasts and her sexual centre- her Yoni (the outer and inner parts of a woman’s genitals) you do the same- start from the outside and work your way in, it’s easy when you approach her in this way. Touching her breast, you start at the outside, holding the whole breast in your hand then slowly stroke your way to its apex, the nipple.  With her Yoni you start outside with her belly, thighs and pubic area. Then move to her perineum (between the vagina and anus), outer lips, inner lips, clitoris, then move inside. Inside you begin at her entrance and move to the GSpot and the A and O Spots if desired.

Given time and proper awakening woman is capable of high states of bliss- where relaxation, pleasure and love merge into one. She is capable of orgasms in many different places, many times over, even in her heart and soul. She is capable of ejaculation, a clear, sweet smelling liquid released from her Prostate gland through the urethra, with or without orgasm. Ejaculation can be a few mls up to a few cups, squirted or flowing.

Her sexual energy is magnetic, attracting and negative in quality. Lovemaking transforms it positive, which is why after sex a woman often has an excess of energy and wants to talk or get up and take on the world. Her sexual energy is endless when fully awakened.

This awakening can take anywhere from a few minutes to hours, up to a lifetime.

A Man’s body

A man’s sexuality has traditionally been thought of as straight forward as a microwave- 2-3 mins and beep, beep, beep, he’s done, with his ejaculatory orgasm the apex of his experience. And that for him sex and love are completely separate. This is a gross misunderstanding and merely the outcome of his conditioning rather than his ultimate sexual reality. Man’s sexual energy is electrical, positive and discharging in nature.

In fact, he is capable of equal and matching sexual intensity to a woman, including her capacity for multiple orgasms, both with and without ejaculation. He can have both full bodied pleasure and orgasms without even a hint of an erection or needing to ejaculate, though he most likely doesn’t know it yet.

In touching a man’s body you start as his sexual centre- at his penis, cock or Lingam (wand of Light- yes, guys you have a light sabre between your legs!). You start at his centre and invite him to spread his sexual pleasure through the rest of his body, rather than remaining and being released from here.  You help him in this by stroking one hand from his Lingam across the rest of his body, inviting his sensations and attention to follow, whilst keeping your other hand on his Lingam, his sexual power centre. Beginning at his centre he can relax, open and expand, seeing that he doesn’t need to wait until those few moments at the end for his pleasure.

In connecting with his sex centre this way he feels he has permission to more freely share of his heart, that he has no need to keep it separate and protected. It gives him an experience of his body that is not filled with tension and the primal need to release. Reminding him to breathe deeply and fully will help his pleasure to expand through his body.

Man’s lovemaking transforms his electrical energy negative and is why it can be draining for him if he constantly discharges it from his body. This is where Tantric style lovemaking, which has him move his energy up through his body allowing him to charge his body with it and retain it when he ejaculates is a more restorative pathway.

This awakening can take anywhere from a few minutes to hours up to a lifetime.

Now that you understand the differences between Men and Women’s bodies go play and see the results!

You might find yourself experiencing more orgasmic pleasure as a result!

To see more ways to touch each other see Tantra Massage.

If you’d like to learn more come along to our weekend workshop soon!

 

 

The Sexiest Organ In Your Body

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Wait for it…The sexiest organ in your body is not your genitals, or even your mind…

It’s your heart!Your heart- the sexiest organ in your body

Your heart is a mechanical pump that pumps oxygenated blood & nutrients through the body in order to keep us alive. How can it be a tool for relationship, and as the sexiest organ in your body, be a tool for the best sex of your life? We show you how in 3 profound Heart practices below, but first a bit of background.

‘The heart is an organ if fire’ from The English Patient

Energetically, intuitively, psychologically and emotionally your heart is a whole lot more than a physical organ. It’s a whole lot more than the fluffy pink images we associate with  Valentine’s Day cards as well. Your heart is the centre of love, courage, wisdom, gratitude and forgiveness with its own unique brand of intelligence and communication that makes it powerful beyond measure. Your heart is the union place of the inner masculine and feminine- where we cease to be just male and female and become simply human. It’s also the place of creative possibilities.

This more typically eastern way of viewing the heart is today being backed up by western science studies done by the HeartMath Institute, amongst others, who say that ‘Heart intelligence underlies cellular organization and guides and evolves organisms toward increased order, awareness and coherence of their bodies’ systems’ www.heartmath.org/FAQS.

At Oztantra we see the heart as an important part of creating inspired, magical relationship and lovemaking, whether you believe in it in this way or not…We see it over and over again, couples getting in touch with their hearts and opening to each other (and themselves) in ways that defy description. If we had to put words to it, we’d call it being touched by Big Love. Not love as in romance or the giving of ourselves to another (though these flavours can lie within it) but something much more-maybe we could call it opening to the mystery of love.lasting longer lover

For those of you looking to get laid this might sound quite airy fairy and lacking a physical approach yet if you think back to the early days of your relationship wasn’t this some of the best sex of your lives, where the magic of it lived? This is not only due to the lust of young (or at least younger!) love but also the openness of our hearts, when you each thought the other perfect and there was no real hurt between you.

Your heart’s many qualities can offer moments of exquisite tenderness, boundless love, challenging lust, profound sadness, huge anger, blissful freedom, generous playfulness, fierce motivation and much more. Your heart has no agenda, it is not attached to things looking a certain way (like your ego), it just is. Your heart can help you see beneath your partner’s behaviour into their hurt that is driving their hurtful actions allowing you to choose an empathic response. And as surprising as it may seem your heart is a powerful tool for accessing greater sexual pleasure, as an open heart literally creates more room for sexual energy to flow freely through your whole body, leaving you feeling expanded, desiring and creative! Which sounds like a great place to make love from, or even just live life from.

The thing is, your heart might work mysteriously but there are things you can do to support this mystery to show up, starting with choosing to be in greater relationship with your heart.

So what is your current relationship to your own heart? Do you see it as mere mechanics, or are you open to the possibility of it being something more? Can you think of time when you felt heart open and really close to your partner, or you ‘just knew’ something in your heart that helped you, that you needed to listen to? Or a moment when even though you might have felt like strangling your significant other you suddenly notice how cute they look sitting there or you’re reminded of how much you love their smile you fall in love with them all over again in a single moment?

Yet we have a tendency to ignore our heart

We do this for one of four reasons:

  1. We haven’t connected with it in this ‘intangible feeling’ way, we judge it as ‘woo woo speak and don’t believe in listening to it.Tantric fire in the heart
    2. It takes a moment or two of ‘dropping our story’ to hear what it has to say.
    3. We often don’t like what it has to say, for the heart cuts through the bullshit of the ego mind, the part of us conditioned to stay safe and look for approval, and gets to the ‘heart’ of matters.
    4. Our heart is where we can carry our deepest emotional hurt and we’d rather avoid this than take the time to feel and heal it.
    Are you willing to listen to what your heart has to say?

In the beginning it can be tricky to know what is truly your heart and what is your ego’s needs masquerading as your heart. How do you tell the difference?

Your head (or Ego brain) speaks from 2 Value Logic:

Amongst much analysing, thinking and questioning your Ego Brain uses both positive and negative judgements, along with self-justification and an underlying need to be on top of, or in control of any given situation or person. Head talk is driven by our internal programming, our belief systems, our memories and our self-identity with its fears about the future or blaming from the past. Your head focusses on two value logic- this is black and white, right and wrong thinking, saying ‘I am this’ or ‘I am that’, or ‘It is this’ or ‘It is that’ with no other possibilities. Often these choices leave us in a conundrum in our relationships, struggling with win/lose, good/bad choices, where one person has to lose and of course we never want to be that person.

Your heart (and Soul) speaks from 4 Value Logic:Maintaining Your sense of Self

Heart talk is simple yet limitless, infinite and unrestricted, possibilities and is ok with not knowing. Your heart won’t tell you to ignore your fear, instead it will take you beyond it given a chance, to a place of deeper logic. This is four value logic, rather than just the two value logic of right/wrong, good/bad, all/nothing. Four value logic is ‘I am this, I am that, I am both, I am neither’, ‘this is right, this is wrong, this is everything, this is nothing’ all at the same time. It allows us greater understanding of a situation and of ourselves. For example, from our hearts we can say, it is ok for my partner to love another person even though they already love me because the heart is capable of much greater love than our minds can comprehend, instead of only listening to our fear based ego that says because this person is in a relationship with me they cannot love, look at or even think about anyone else’.

The heart uses simple language

It may speak about letting things be, letting them go, finding compassion, acceptance and understanding. Sometimes it might say it’s time for you to get off your butt and having a go or doing the one thing that is the scariest for you, such as maintaining a boundary or giving out some tough love. Heart outcomes are ultimately the most satisfying, better for you and those around you (even if they can’t see it straight away), helping you break out of old ways of being and motivating you to maintain the new ones you choose. Our hearts never seek power over another but power within ourselves. Our hearts also have a very good in-built bullshit detector and will call us on the places we (or others) might be avoiding our/their higher truths.

Love is not blind- it sees more not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less. Rabbi Julius Gordon.

Whatever energy we expend in our lives comes back to us either directly or indirectly so it’s worth putting out there what you really mean from your heart because this is what you’re going to get back!

This has been true in Annette & Graeme’s own lives, our hearts started off being a very nebulous woo woo concept to us and have now become a rock solid part of our self-understanding, a pathway to connecting with each other and those around us. Whenever our minds are overly busy with unhelpful thoughts we know our thoughts are probably out of alignment with our hearts inbuilt bullshit detector so we better take a moment to check in and listen…We offer you 3 Hea

Practice 1: Connecting with your Heart man meditating

Take a moment now just to stop and feel your heart. Close your eyes, breathe deeply, feel into your body then focus your attention in the centre of your chest, slightly to the left. Think of something that you appreciate in your life and feel the physical sensation of that for a few moments. Is your heart open, closed, full, warm, heavy, light or blank? Is there sadness, love, gratitude, even anger or shame there? Whatever the feeling is just be with it exactly as it is for a few moments. Do this as often as you can to start building your relationship with your ‘energetic’ heart for the more you connect with it the more it will speak to you. Your heart doesn’t speak in words but in intuitive knowing’s- those things you just know, even though you might not understand how you know- it’s magic.

Practicing when you’re in a place of ease can help you access your heart’s intelligence more easily in times of intimate challenge, to hear it speak from wisdom rather than fear or resentment, creating connection rather than dissonance.

Practicing when you’re about to, or are making love will bring you into a deeper place of openness and connection with yourself. Breathing this openness through your body allows your sexual pleasure to become more full bodied as you’ve made room for it, for pleasure that you can then share with your partner, along with the openness that created it. Again, it’s magic!

Practice 2: Falling On Your Sword 

There is no doubt about it, feelings can really hurt sometimes, especially those in our hearts. They can even occasionally be overwhelming, too much to bear, leaving us instantly overwhelmed, lost, light headed, nauseous, cramped up, bent over, filled with intensity or thoroughly wretched. And it is a very natural impulse to want to resist this hurt. Yet we have found in our own experience, and in working with others, that welcoming these feelings in (remembering that our feelings are just energy in motion) and literally letting them penetrate us, even penetrating our hearts, helps them to shift more almost immediately.

It’s a bit like imagining you’re falling on the sword of your feelings…taking a breath in helps. The only difference being that unlike with a real sword, being penetrated by our feelings won’t kill us. In fact, it will free us from the quite thick walls most of us have built around our hearts. It sounds like a crazy thing to do but if you give it a try you’ll see it really works.

However, this doesn’t stop our logical ego minds from believing the intensity of the feeling is going to kill us. This is merely the ego’s desire to protect itself. The opposite is actually true, not feeling is more likely to hurt us if we block and lock these feelings into our bodies, turning them into stress and eventually disease.

Letting these feelings in can feel like the most illogical thing in the world, yet we’re not trying to be sadistic here. It is like the beautiful Buddhist practice called Tonglen, which is about letting go of resistance to suffering and having it transformed into joy or love.breaking open the heart

Rather than trying to avoid the inevitable hurt in intimate relating you can see it as a tool for moving beyond itself.  Over time you minimize your suffering and build on your moments of Big Love by being able to live more inside your heart.

The only way to understand the benefit is to try it for yourself, perhaps beginning with a small moment of hurt. Rather than contracting, take a breath in and imagine the energy of the hurt literally penetrating and moving through you. You will find, if you can totally let go of resistance the hurt transforms immediately.

It works with big hurts as well. Although big hurts such as betrayal by a partner, loss of a job, an unexpected financial loss, death of a spouse can have several (or many) layers of hurt to move through. It may take longer, but the practice is still the same. The gift of this practice is that your vulnerability in it will invite your partner closer to you rather than pushing them away, creating a deep intimacy rather than chaos and withdrawal. The intimacy of being with a partner in this depth of process is indescribably beautiful.

Heart Practice: Re-Opening Your Heart 

Just as your feelings are either flowing or not, your heart cannot be fully open to one person and closed to another, it is either open or closed to all. This means that you cannot fully embrace a new lover (even though it might feel like you have) until you’ve let go of the hurt from lovers of the past. In fact, you might find that opening your heart to a new love releases hurt from the past, this is the gift that love brings. Just because you choose not to live with a past love doesn’t mean you can’t still love them from a distance, your heart is large enough for all, the more the merrier!  vulnerability mends a broken heart

Take a moment just to stop and feel your heart as in Practice 1. Once you can feel your heart imagine your past love in front of you and feel any feelings that arise in you, whether there is grief, anger, resentment, fear, shame etc. Don’t judge them or be in the story of them, just focus on the feelings in your body and let the memories move through your mind. Breathe any associate feelings through you, feeling yourself becoming lighter and your heart more open. Acknowledge any regrets, allowing your 4 Value Logic to find you a new perspective on this love. Notice something about them or your time with them you can feel grateful for, even if it is just something that you learned, because gratitude is a great heart opener. You might need to do this a few times till you feel complete but it is time worth spending for the greater love you will have access to as a result.

We trust you have a newfound (or newly reinforced) appreciation of your heart and its capabilities as the sexiest organ in your body. If you have any concerns or fears about trusting your heart in this way we can support you so contact us on 1800 TANTRA or email here.

 

Deep lovemaking strokes

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Take your lovemaking out of the ordinary into the extraordinary with these deep lovemaking strokes.

Try one or two of these once you’re warmed up and are ready for more.deep lovemaking

Add in some deep breathing and eye gazing to any of these strokes and feel your connection in deep lovemaking go off the scale!
A vital key is not to strive for orgasm in this. If the orgasm begins to arise feel free to follow it without striving to make anything happen, allow your body to lead your mind, rather than the reverse. Amazing things can happen this way!

 

For Both Lovers:

  • Rock your hips rather than thrusting them, as thrusting creates tension in your muscles and rocking opens them up, allowing much more pleasure to flow. You rock your hips by arching and flattening your lower back.
  • Play with your breath- breathe out as you rock your hips forward to penetrate/be penetrated, breathe in as you rock your hips back. Then try the opposite.
  • Breathe in short and sharp to build your sexual energy, alternating with deep and slow to spread it through your body.
  • Without moving both of you contract and release your pelvic floor muscles together as this releases energy from your two lower chakras.
  • Move slow, really slow, all the way out and all the way back in. Relax your Yoni (vaginal) muscles as much as possible. This helps activate the positive/negative energy exchange between your genitals exponentially increasing your pleasure.
  • Imagine your heart energy penetrating/being penetrated by your lover.Oral sex man giving woman
  • Place a pillow under your woman’s butt as this changes the angle of penetration.
  • Try rear entry for deepest penetration. Be guided by your lover’s degree of openness.
  • Introduce moments of complete stillness to explore the valley orgasm.

 

For men:

  • Stay centred in yourself and aware of your internal energy flows as this will help you last longer and be heart open and emotionally available to your lover.
  • Play with your lovers gspot prior to being inside her so it is awake and receptive.
  • Go slowly until you can feel your lover’s Yoni fully open to you.
  • Vary your speed rather than maintain a set rhythm.
  • Move in and out just two or three inches (5cms) at a time as this helps stimulate the gspot.Tantric sexuality
  • After moving all the way in move back and forwards just an inch or two whilst remaining deep as this helps stimulate the A (along the front wall of the vagina just before the cervix) and O spot (at the back wall near the cervix) for deep heart opening pleasure. Be really present with this one, give it the time it deserves.
  • Move your hips around in a circle, first one way then the other, this can drive a woman wild!
  • When you’re in deep stop moving and squeeze and release your pelvic floor muscles (which you’ve been practicing with, right?).

 

For women:

  • Stay centred in yourself, in your heart and aware of your internal energy flows as this will help you be emotionally  available to your lover.
  • Contract and release your pelvic floor muscles- short and sharp. Long and slow.Tantra is sex and more
  • Your Yoni (vagina) has three rings of muscle- an outer, middle and inner layer. You can learn to contract and release these individually and awaken deeper pleasure in both of you. If you can’t do it yet you can have fun trying!
  • Place your legs as high up around your lovers back as you can manage. Try over his shoulders if you can. Then try having your legs straight just resting over his ankles, changing the angle of the penetration.

If you experience any difficulties in exploring these deep lovemaking practices, especially if you encounter pain in the yoni please contact us for support via email or Ph 1800 TANTRA

 

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