Relationship Sex Archives - Relationship & Sexuality Counselling Specialists

Layers of Lovemaking

December 4, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

What comes to mind when you think of making love?

Is it connection, sensuality, pleasure, excitement, orgasm, release or something else?

Is it one or two of these things, or all of them?

Do you even call it making love? Or for you is it having sex, getting laid, rolling in the hay, even hiding the banana in the fruit salad? Apparently there are over 400 different words we have for this one act and what you like to call it can give you some clues as to the layers in it for you.

Think about it, no matter what you call it or do with it, making love is a multilayered ritual going on all around the world, in each country, city and town in each moment and has been since the beginning of time, no other human ritual is as primal as this one.

Here we identify the many layers that make up making love so you can see what is in it for you right now and what else you might like to explore:

The 9 layers of Lovemaking:

Arousal is the awakening of your physical sexual response- that hot, tingling, aliveness in your body, commonly accompanied by body tension.
Desire- the strong feeling of wanting to make love that can come from a thousand different places, often varying each time ie. the desire to feel pleasure, connection, wanted, ravished, to take or be taken, nurtured, loved, released etc.
Eroticism: the actions intending to arouse sexual desire.
Sensuality is gratification of the five senses- sight, sound, smell, taste and touch, which can involve sexual pleasure but is not limited to it.
High states of arousal can equally be found in high levels of relaxation when activated by the breath.
Emotional connection though the sharing of intimacy and love within sex.
Polarity play between masculine and feminine energies of action/dominance/penetration and beingness/surrender/receptivity.
Orgasm is where sexual pleasure rises to a peak, explodes and then subsides, with or without pelvic floor muscle contrations. During the explosive peak there is an experience of “little death’ or loss of the Ego rational mind, a moment of freedom from the idea of Self.
Transcendence where we go beyond the conditioned mind into a spiritual like state of freedom, being or bliss.

How would you choose to bring in new layers to what you’re currently experiencing?

If you would like some support in doing so contact us here and begin the conversation about what might be possible!

Touching Men & Women Differently

September 13, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

As you may have noticed Men’s and Women’s bodies are different…

On the outside, the inside and in how they work.

When it comes to the way we like being touched we’re quite different too.

There are reasons for this, it’s how our bodies are wired, women magnetically and men electrically, we just need to learn how to make the most of them. Of course, as individuals we’re all unique in what we like but we can start with some common ground:

A Woman’s Body

A woman’s body is magnetic in its energy, attracting all over sensations in order to build the high level of sexual intensity she is capable of. Her sexuality is built of many layers and like a crockpot she is at her best over time. Her body works from the outside in, from the top of her head and the tips of her fingers and toes to her centre.

Touching a woman you start from the outside and work slowly towards the centre. Imagine she has a bikini on and the parts covered by the bikini are where you touch last. Stroking the less obvious places like her face, the back of her neck, her ams, hands, feet, inner thighs and buttocks all add to her sexual fire.

In touching her breasts and her sexual centre- her Yoni (the outer and inner parts of a woman’s genitals) you do the same- start from the outside and work your way in, it’s easy when you approach her in this way. Touching her breast, you start at the outside, holding the whole breast in your hand then slowly stroke your way to its apex, the nipple. With her Yoni you start outside with her belly, thighs and pubic area. Then move to her perineum (between the vagina and anus), outer lips, inner lips, clitoris, then move inside. Inside you begin at her entrance and move to the GSpot and the A and O Spots if desired.

Given time and proper awakening woman is capable of high states of bliss- where relaxation, pleasure and love merge into one. She is capable of orgasms in many different places, many times over, even in her heart and soul. She is capable of ejaculation, a clear, sweet smelling liquid released from her Prostate gland through the urethra, with or without orgasm. Ejaculation can be a few mls up to a few cups, squirted or flowing.

Her sexual energy is magnetic, attracting and negative in quality. Lovemaking transforms it positive, which is why after sex a woman often has an excess of energy and wants to talk or get up and take on the world. Her sexual energy is endless when fully awakened.

This awakening can take anywhere from a few minutes to hours, up to a lifetime.

A Man’s body

A man’s sexuality has traditionally been thought of as straight forward as a microwave- 2-3 mins and beep, beep, beep, he’s done, with his ejaculatory orgasm the apex of his experience. And that for him sex and love are completely separate. This is a gross misunderstanding and merely the outcome of his conditioning rather than his ultimate sexual reality. Man’s sexual energy is electrical, positive and discharging in nature.

In fact, he is capable of equal and matching sexual intensity to a woman, including her capacity for multiple orgasms, both with and without ejaculation. He can have both full bodied pleasure and orgasms without even a hint of an erection or needing to ejaculate, though he most likely doesn’t know it yet.

In touching a man’s body you start as his sexual centre- at his penis, cock or Lingam (wand of Light- yes, guys you have a light sabre between your legs!). You start at his centre and invite him to spread his sexual pleasure through the rest of his body, rather than remaining and being released from here. You help him in this by stroking one hand from his Lingam across the rest of his body, inviting his sensations and attention to follow, whilst keeping your other hand on his Lingam, his sexual power centre. Beginning at his centre he can relax, open and expand, seeing that he doesn’t need to wait until those few moments at the end for his pleasure.

In connecting with his sex centre this way he feels he has permission to more freely share of his heart, that he has no need to keep it separate and protected. It gives him an experience of his body that is not filled with tension and the primal need to release. Reminding him to breathe deeply and fully will help his pleasure to expand through his body.

Man’s lovemaking transforms his electrical energy negative and is why it can be draining for him if he constantly discharges it from his body. This is where Tantric style lovemaking, which has him move his energy up through his body allowing him to charge his body with it and retain it when he ejaculates is a more restorative pathway.

This awakening can take anywhere from a few minutes to hours up to a lifetime.

Now that you understand the differences between Men and Women’s bodies go play and see the results!

You might find yourself experiencing more orgasmic pleasure as a result!

To see more ways to touch each other see Tantra Massage.

If you’d like to learn more come along to our weekend workshop soon!

The Sexiest Organ In Your Body

July 5, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Wait for it…The sexiest organ in your body is not your genitals, or even your mind…

It’s your heart!

Your heart is a mechanical pump that pumps oxygenated blood & nutrients through the body in order to keep us alive. How can it be a tool for relationship, and as the sexiest organ in your body, be a tool for the best sex of your life? We show you how in 3 profound Heart practices below, but first a bit of background.

‘The heart is an organ if fire’ from The English Patient

Energetically, intuitively, psychologically and emotionally your heart is a whole lot more than a physical organ. It’s a whole lot more than the fluffy pink images we associate with Valentine’s Day cards as well. Your heart is the centre of love, courage, wisdom, gratitude and forgiveness with its own unique brand of intelligence and communication that makes it powerful beyond measure. Your heart is the union place of the inner masculine and feminine- where we cease to be just male and female and become simply human. It’s also the place of creative possibilities.

This more typically eastern way of viewing the heart is today being backed up by western science studies done by the HeartMath Institute, amongst others, who say that ‘Heart intelligence underlies cellular organization and guides and evolves organisms toward increased order, awareness and coherence of their bodies’ systems’ www.heartmath.org/FAQS.

At Oztantra we see the heart as an important part of creating inspired, magical relationship and lovemaking, whether you believe in it in this way or not…We see it over and over again, couples getting in touch with their hearts and opening to each other (and themselves) in ways that defy description. If we had to put words to it, we’d call it being touched by Big Love. Not love as in romance or the giving of ourselves to another (though these flavours can lie within it) but something much more-maybe we could call it opening to the mystery of love.

For those of you looking to get laid this might sound quite airy fairy and lacking a physical approach yet if you think back to the early days of your relationship wasn’t this some of the best sex of your lives, where the magic of it lived? This is not only due to the lust of young (or at least younger!) love but also the openness of our hearts, when you each thought the other perfect and there was no real hurt between you.

Your heart’s many qualities can offer moments of exquisite tenderness, boundless love, challenging lust, profound sadness, huge anger, blissful freedom, generous playfulness, fierce motivation and much more. Your heart has no agenda, it is not attached to things looking a certain way (like your ego), it just is. Your heart can help you see beneath your partner’s behaviour into their hurt that is driving their hurtful actions allowing you to choose an empathic response. And as surprising as it may seem your heart is a powerful tool for accessing greater sexual pleasure, as an open heart literally creates more room for sexual energy to flow freely through your whole body, leaving you feeling expanded, desiring and creative! Which sounds like a great place to make love from, or even just live life from.

The thing is, your heart might work mysteriously but there are things you can do to support this mystery to show up, starting with choosing to be in greater relationship with your heart.

So what is your current relationship to your own heart? Do you see it as mere mechanics, or are you open to the possibility of it being something more? Can you think of time when you felt heart open and really close to your partner, or you ‘just knew’ something in your heart that helped you, that you needed to listen to? Or a moment when even though you might have felt like strangling your significant other you suddenly notice how cute they look sitting there or you’re reminded of how much you love their smile you fall in love with them all over again in a single moment?

Yet we have a tendency to ignore our heart

We do this for one of four reasons:

We haven’t connected with it in this ‘intangible feeling’ way, we judge it as ‘woo woo speak and don’t believe in listening to it.
2. It takes a moment or two of ‘dropping our story’ to hear what it has to say.
3. We often don’t like what it has to say, for the heart cuts through the bullshit of the ego mind, the part of us conditioned to stay safe and look for approval, and gets to the ‘heart’ of matters.
4. Our heart is where we can carry our deepest emotional hurt and we’d rather avoid this than take the time to feel and heal it.
Are you willing to listen to what your heart has to say?

In the beginning it can be tricky to know what is truly your heart and what is your ego’s needs masquerading as your heart. How do you tell the difference?

Your head (or Ego brain) speaks from 2 Value Logic:

Amongst much analysing, thinking and questioning your Ego Brain uses both positive and negative judgements, along with self-justification and an underlying need to be on top of, or in control of any given situation or person. Head talk is driven by our internal programming, our belief systems, our memories and our self-identity with its fears about the future or blaming from the past. Your head focusses on two value logic- this is black and white, right and wrong thinking, saying ‘I am this’ or ‘I am that’, or ‘It is this’ or ‘It is that’ with no other possibilities. Often these choices leave us in a conundrum in our relationships, struggling with win/lose, good/bad choices, where one person has to lose and of course we never want to be that person.

Your heart (and Soul) speaks from 4 Value Logic:

Heart talk is simple yet limitless, infinite and unrestricted, possibilities and is ok with not knowing. Your heart won’t tell you to ignore your fear, instead it will take you beyond it given a chance, to a place of deeper logic. This is four value logic, rather than just the two value logic of right/wrong, good/bad, all/nothing. Four value logic is ‘I am this, I am that, I am both, I am neither’, ‘this is right, this is wrong, this is everything, this is nothing’ all at the same time. It allows us greater understanding of a situation and of ourselves. For example, from our hearts we can say, it is ok for my partner to love another person even though they already love me because the heart is capable of much greater love than our minds can comprehend, instead of only listening to our fear based ego that says because this person is in a relationship with me they cannot love, look at or even think about anyone else’.

The heart uses simple language

It may speak about letting things be, letting them go, finding compassion, acceptance and understanding. Sometimes it might say it’s time for you to get off your butt and having a go or doing the one thing that is the scariest for you, such as maintaining a boundary or giving out some tough love. Heart outcomes are ultimately the most satisfying, better for you and those around you (even if they can’t see it straight away), helping you break out of old ways of being and motivating you to maintain the new ones you choose. Our hearts never seek power over another but power within ourselves. Our hearts also have a very good in-built bullshit detector and will call us on the places we (or others) might be avoiding our/their higher truths.

Love is not blind- it sees more not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less. Rabbi Julius Gordon.

Whatever energy we expend in our lives comes back to us either directly or indirectly so it’s worth putting out there what you really mean from your heart because this is what you’re going to get back!

This has been true in Annette & Graeme’s own lives, our hearts started off being a very nebulous woo woo concept to us and have now become a rock solid part of our self-understanding, a pathway to connecting with each other and those around us. Whenever our minds are overly busy with unhelpful thoughts we know our thoughts are probably out of alignment with our hearts inbuilt bullshit detector so we better take a moment to check in and listen…We offer you 3 Hea

Practice 1: Connecting with your Heart

Take a moment now just to stop and feel your heart. Close your eyes, breathe deeply, feel into your body then focus your attention in the centre of your chest, slightly to the left. Think of something that you appreciate in your life and feel the physical sensation of that for a few moments. Is your heart open, closed, full, warm, heavy, light or blank? Is there sadness, love, gratitude, even anger or shame there? Whatever the feeling is just be with it exactly as it is for a few moments. Do this as often as you can to start building your relationship with your ‘energetic’ heart for the more you connect with it the more it will speak to you. Your heart doesn’t speak in words but in intuitive knowing’s- those things you just know, even though you might not understand how you know- it’s magic.

Practicing when you’re in a place of ease can help you access your heart’s intelligence more easily in times of intimate challenge, to hear it speak from wisdom rather than fear or resentment, creating connection rather than dissonance.

Practicing when you’re about to, or are making love will bring you into a deeper place of openness and connection with yourself. Breathing this openness through your body allows your sexual pleasure to become more full bodied as you’ve made room for it, for pleasure that you can then share with your partner, along with the openness that created it. Again, it’s magic!

Practice 2: Falling On Your Sword

There is no doubt about it, feelings can really hurt sometimes, especially those in our hearts. They can even occasionally be overwhelming, too much to bear, leaving us instantly overwhelmed, lost, light headed, nauseous, cramped up, bent over, filled with intensity or thoroughly wretched. And it is a very natural impulse to want to resist this hurt. Yet we have found in our own experience, and in working with others, that welcoming these feelings in (remembering that our feelings are just energy in motion) and literally letting them penetrate us, even penetrating our hearts, helps them to shift more almost immediately.

It’s a bit like imagining you’re falling on the sword of your feelings…taking a breath in helps. The only difference being that unlike with a real sword, being penetrated by our feelings won’t kill us. In fact, it will free us from the quite thick walls most of us have built around our hearts. It sounds like a crazy thing to do but if you give it a try you’ll see it really works.

However, this doesn’t stop our logical ego minds from believing the intensity of the feeling is going to kill us. This is merely the ego’s desire to protect itself. The opposite is actually true, not feeling is more likely to hurt us if we block and lock these feelings into our bodies, turning them into stress and eventually disease.

Letting these feelings in can feel like the most illogical thing in the world, yet we’re not trying to be sadistic here. It is like the beautiful Buddhist practice called Tonglen, which is about letting go of resistance to suffering and having it transformed into joy or love.

Rather than trying to avoid the inevitable hurt in intimate relating you can see it as a tool for moving beyond itself. Over time you minimize your suffering and build on your moments of Big Love by being able to live more inside your heart.

The only way to understand the benefit is to try it for yourself, perhaps beginning with a small moment of hurt. Rather than contracting, take a breath in and imagine the energy of the hurt literally penetrating and moving through you. You will find, if you can totally let go of resistance the hurt transforms immediately.

It works with big hurts as well. Although big hurts such as betrayal by a partner, loss of a job, an unexpected financial loss, death of a spouse can have several (or many) layers of hurt to move through. It may take longer, but the practice is still the same. The gift of this practice is that your vulnerability in it will invite your partner closer to you rather than pushing them away, creating a deep intimacy rather than chaos and withdrawal. The intimacy of being with a partner in this depth of process is indescribably beautiful.

Heart Practice: Re-Opening Your Heart

Just as your feelings are either flowing or not, your heart cannot be fully open to one person and closed to another, it is either open or closed to all. This means that you cannot fully embrace a new lover (even though it might feel like you have) until you’ve let go of the hurt from lovers of the past. In fact, you might find that opening your heart to a new love releases hurt from the past, this is the gift that love brings. Just because you choose not to live with a past love doesn’t mean you can’t still love them from a distance, your heart is large enough for all, the more the merrier!

Take a moment just to stop and feel your heart as in Practice 1. Once you can feel your heart imagine your past love in front of you and feel any feelings that arise in you, whether there is grief, anger, resentment, fear, shame etc. Don’t judge them or be in the story of them, just focus on the feelings in your body and let the memories move through your mind. Breathe any associate feelings through you, feeling yourself becoming lighter and your heart more open. Acknowledge any regrets, allowing your 4 Value Logic to find you a new perspective on this love. Notice something about them or your time with them you can feel grateful for, even if it is just something that you learned, because gratitude is a great heart opener. You might need to do this a few times till you feel complete but it is time worth spending for the greater love you will have access to as a result.

We trust you have a newfound (or newly reinforced) appreciation of your heart and its capabilities as the sexiest organ in your body. If you have any concerns or fears about trusting your heart in this way we can support you so contact us on 1800 TANTRA or email here.

Deep lovemaking strokes

June 7, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Take your lovemaking out of the ordinary into the extraordinary with these deep lovemaking strokes.

Try one or two of these once you’re warmed up and are ready for more.

Add in some deep breathing and eye gazing to any of these strokes and feel your connection in deep lovemaking go off the scale!
A vital key is not to strive for orgasm in this. If the orgasm begins to arise feel free to follow it without striving to make anything happen, allow your body to lead your mind, rather than the reverse. Amazing things can happen this way!

For Both Lovers:

Rock your hips rather than thrusting them, as thrusting creates tension in your muscles and rocking opens them up, allowing much more pleasure to flow. You rock your hips by arching and flattening your lower back.
Play with your breath- breathe out as you rock your hips forward to penetrate/be penetrated, breathe in as you rock your hips back. Then try the opposite.
Breathe in short and sharp to build your sexual energy, alternating with deep and slow to spread it through your body.
Without moving both of you contract and release your pelvic floor muscles together as this releases energy from your two lower chakras.
Move slow, really slow, all the way out and all the way back in. Relax your Yoni (vaginal) muscles as much as possible. This helps activate the positive/negative energy exchange between your genitals exponentially increasing your pleasure.
Imagine your heart energy penetrating/being penetrated by your lover.
Place a pillow under your woman’s butt as this changes the angle of penetration.
Try rear entry for deepest penetration. Be guided by your lover’s degree of openness.
Introduce moments of complete stillness to explore the valley orgasm.

For men:

Stay centred in yourself and aware of your internal energy flows as this will help you last longer and be heart open and emotionally available to your lover.
Play with your lovers gspot prior to being inside her so it is awake and receptive.
Go slowly until you can feel your lover’s Yoni fully open to you.
Vary your speed rather than maintain a set rhythm.
Move in and out just two or three inches (5cms) at a time as this helps stimulate the gspot.
After moving all the way in move back and forwards just an inch or two whilst remaining deep as this helps stimulate the A (along the front wall of the vagina just before the cervix) and O spot (at the back wall near the cervix) for deep heart opening pleasure. Be really present with this one, give it the time it deserves.
Move your hips around in a circle, first one way then the other, this can drive a woman wild!
When you’re in deep stop moving and squeeze and release your pelvic floor muscles (which you’ve been practicing with, right?).

For women:

Stay centred in yourself, in your heart and aware of your internal energy flows as this will help you be emotionally available to your lover.
Contract and release your pelvic floor muscles- short and sharp. Long and slow.
Your Yoni (vagina) has three rings of muscle- an outer, middle and inner layer. You can learn to contract and release these individually and awaken deeper pleasure in both of you. If you can’t do it yet you can have fun trying!
Place your legs as high up around your lovers back as you can manage. Try over his shoulders if you can. Then try having your legs straight just resting over his ankles, changing the angle of the penetration.

If you experience any difficulties in exploring these deep lovemaking practices, especially if you encounter pain in the yoni please contact us for support via email or Ph 1800 TANTRA

Talking About Sex: Making It Easier

May 4, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

We’re all unique when it comes to sex.

That’s why talking about sex is so important.

Here we help you explore what it is that you want actually want from sex and how to go about talking about it- outside of sex, during sex, when things aren’t working in sex, after sex, even around the children!

So let’s talk about sex, baby!

Even in this supposedly sexually open era few couples actually feel comfortable in talking with each other about what’s happening in their bedrooms, it’s still a very sticky subject. Sex for purely for pleasure and intimacy purposes is a pretty recent invention and it makes sense that we’re still learning how to talk about it. In our culture, sex is used in marketing everything from alcohol to tractors, so it is not difficult to imagine the confusion that people feel in not being able to discuss it openly and honestly with their lovers. So if this is you, you’re not alone. Difficulty in talking about it is totally understandable due to the socially conditioned shame we all carry about sex, which is either supported or undermined by the underlying dynamics of your own personal history and level of relationship intimacy.

But if you want a better sex life then finding a way to get through this fear and talking about it is essential.

Here are some tips to help THAT conversation:

Going about it the right way can mean simply having a conversation about sex can be a fulfilling sexual experience.

Starting with discussing this post and exploring the bigger picture may help.

Know that Yes, it may be uncomfortable, embarrassing, icky and scary but have no expectations, take some deep breaths and gently jump in.

Have no doubt your partner will be just as scared and embarrassed as you.
Pick a time and place with some space and privacy and especially not during sex.
Be willing to share first and take a level of risk that feels doable for you.
Simply owning your fear and embarrassment, admitting this is important for you and you feel unsure how to start IS a good start.

Do you see sex as one or more of these:

A source of love and connection, an unconditional giving and receiving?
A chance to de stress and relieve tension?
An inner exploration where learn something new about yourself?
A seeking of excitement and pleasure, of being on your edge?
A source of fantasy fulfilment where you act out your fantasies?
A fulfilment of your spiritual hunger to merge and be at one with all things, the end of separation, accessing other dimensions?
Self affirmation through giving your partner pleasure?
Maintenance sex, where you like to enjoy the things you’ve found that work, keeping it easy without lots of effort?
A healing of unmet intimacy needs, sexual shame or conditioning?
A way to enhance your physical and emotional wellbeing through energy generation?

Discuss what you mean by your answers and try to be as specific as you can, as this helps your partner to understand where you’re coming from.

Try not to force any outcomes just make it an exploration of where you’re both at, with the mindset that taking a step back to see more clearly may take you forward in a way beyond your wildest imagination.
Don’t be afraid to admit your own fears and short comings in sex, your partner will have their own and sharing them in a nonjudgmental setting can help

Getting specific about your sex together:

Discuss a little bit at a time if this is easier, you don’t have to make it a whole big conversation if this is too much.
Keep it as light as possible. There may be moments of challenge but you can also enjoy it.
Begin with compliments. Never underestimate the power of appreciation in this vulnerable place.
Have an intention to simply explore and understand. Rather than having an agenda of trying to get your partner to better meet your needs by telling them what they’re doing WRONG! (It’s amazing how many people think this approach will work…have been guilty of it ourselves in the past) Your partner will feel your agenda and your judgement, they’ll start out defensive and it will go downhill from here! The outcome of a gentler and more positive approach is totally the opposite, it’s likely to be your partner wanting to serve you better with more understanding and ease between you. We cannot overstate the importance of this approach.
It’s not easy but don’t take their comments personally, their comments show more about them than you.
Be curious about your lover’s experience rather than judgmental.
Discuss a little bit at a time if this is easier.
If you don’t know what it is that you want for yourself, try some self pleasuring and explore yourself to find out.
Get clear on what are your/your partner’s signals for wanting sex, and also get clear on what is NOT a signal. Talk about it.
Discuss what you would like more of/less of.
If you have any concerns, sandwich them between a layer of positives and offer a replacement suggestion so your lover has somewhere to go with it.
Share what are your ‘quickie turn ons”, what fills up your sexy tank if you’re starting out a bit flat? We each have them, they will be unique to us, find ones you can share.
Are there any times when your body is simply not available? Sharing these upfront reduces rejection.
What is your end game- how do you each like to finish? What works for each of you, can you combine them?

Ask questions of each other, be curious, explore possibilities.

Speak more of what you DO want than about what you don’t want.
Express desires but make no demands here as demands have only one of two responses- resistance or submission and submission creates resentment (unless you’re really into this!)
Most likely you will have a range of desires between you, go for a win/win situation.
Approach it from the place of being on the same team with both working towards a solution.

Sex = Children = No Sex

It’s funny how the gift of children that come from the act of sex seem to be the reason many people stop having sex after they arrive!

This is partly due to the place we keep sex in our minds- that it is private, embarrassing, naughty, dirty, or just noisy. And that kids shouldn’t know we’re doing it. It’s important to normalize sex, to make it part of family life, rather than keep it separate. It’s also vital that you’re relationship intimacy is not seen as less important than caring for your children’s needs. There is no reason why kids can’t be in the house whilst you’re making love (unless you’re wanting to get really wild and noisy, or otherwise complicated!). Open hearted pleasure that leaves you feeling great will nurture and uplift those around you as well. Talk about ‘parent time’ for loving each other or having cuddles. Set young children up with an activity to keep them occupied and if they happen to interrupt just tend to their need and come back, rather than give up or let your child get into bed with you. If you’re children are old enough to be up without supervision let them know you’re going to bed early to have some ‘connection time’ (no details needed). If you clearly hold sex in a place of importance and sacredness in yourself, your kids will do the same, even if they might smirk behind their hands whilst saying ‘Yuk’ they will ultimately highly value the positive role modelling you offer.

Talking about sex during sex:

It doesn’t have to be dirty talk (though this can add occasional spice!) but letting your partner know you’re loving what’s happening for you is a great way to build the intensity and deepen your connection, especially when done with eye connection. We all love being affirmed and this is a powerful place to be affirmed in. It can be as simple as “I’m loving that thing you’re doing with your tongue right now, it feels DELICIOUS! Oohs and Aahs are a good start but being specific (when you can engage your thoughts) incites even more energy into what is happening. Saying “I love you” with eye connection is very powerful.

Talking about what’s not working during sex:

When you’re actually in the moment keep your communication simple and direct.
Women generally fear speaking up about what they want but most men will love you for it if you leave the complaints out.
What men do fear is criticism in this tender place so rather than complaining about what is not working ask for what you do want instead. Eg. If you want a change say ‘this is ok and a little to the left would be even better!’ or ‘I’d love it if you could go a bit slower, that’s great, can you go even slower?’
Sometimes just taking your lover’s hand and putting it where you want it can be the most direct way.
Don’t expect your partner to remember every time as it can differ, just make it a habit of asking for what you want (ironically this takes the shame and frustration out of it and they’re more likely to remember).
If nothing is working it’s OK to pause, breathe and take the time to come back to a place of connection with yourselves and see what emerges from here. Don’t make it wrong. Don’t make your partner wrong. Don’t run away. Focus on what IS happening for you and share this ie. I’m feeling distracted, not really present, disconnected from myself, shutdown, left out, flat etc. Own this as your feeling, nothing to do with your partner (even the best technique in the world won’t get you there if you’re not available). If your partner is feeling something less than perfect don’t make it about you. As scary as it sounds stating what and allowing it to be ok can empower things to shift.

Talk after sex:

Just a simple ‘that was wonderful’ or ‘I love you’ can suffice immediately afterwards. A little later there is great benefit in sharing what you experienced for even though you may have felt totally in connection with one another we still have our own uniquely personal perspective. It’s also a great way to learn more for next time. This can include what you learned, what worked for you, and what challenged or didn’t work for you. Own your comments and speak from the heart.

Lastly, reassess your sexual map regularly, as like us, our sexual desires change over time.

If you would like any help in getting this conversation started give us a call on 1800 TANTRA or email us here

Friction Sex Vs Energetic Sex

March 28, 2017 By Annette & Graeme 2 Comments

Understanding the difference between Friction Sex Vs Energetic Sex

If you would like to begin exploring a more deeply satisfying sexual experience then begin by understanding the difference between friction sex and energy sex.

Friction sex is about two physical surfaces rubbing against each other over and over with a build up of body tension until a peak is reached and the tension is released. This is a pleasurable but ultimately limited approach as there are only so many ways and times you can do it before it becomes overly predictable and requiring more friction to get the same response as the skin becomes desensitized and numbed out. And it keeps you in your Ego Brain focussed on performance and attached to outcomes.

A word about stress relief– sex is often seen as a very effective stress reliever but if you use sex for this reason you’re short changing yourself. The pleasure you feel in the release of your stress is not true orgasmic pleasure and is much less than you are capable of. You will get much more pleasure if you can relax at the beginning of sex rather than just at the end, and we’ll show you how to do this.

Energy sex is where there is limited friction or even no friction. Where the two surfaces rub less and exchange energy between them. You can try this by experimenting with your own body. Move one hand lightly over your other arm, finding a pace and depth of touch that allows you to feel a slight buzz or tingling between the two surfaces, this is the energy exchange happening. Continue to do so and begin taking some deeper breaths into your belly, exhaling out of your mouth. This allows your body to relax and your energy to spread as your breath is an energy driver. In energy sex you relax at the beginning rather than at the end, as energy flows better through relaxed muscles. You can see this by moving your hand hard and quickly for a few moments- how different does it feel? Go back to light, relaxed touch, move your hand up over your shoulder, through your hair, around your face and explore how it feels without any agenda other than to see what happens. You will feel your body awakening to the touch. In lovemaking the same thing will happen to your whole body, brain and beyond, and to your partner’s as well as it opens up the spontaneous, creative, pleasure feeling part of your brain that has no agenda.

If you’re wondering by now does this mean the end of other types of sexual experiences from the quickie in the broom closet to playing with vibrators, watching porn or experimenting with full array of naughty sexual possibilities then of course the answer is not at all. It simply means if you bring these empowering heart opening tools into other types of play they’ll be even better.

Feeling Through Sexual Numbness

March 28, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

There’s a big, dirty secret out there.

One that is subtly reducing the amount of lovemaking that’s happening in relationships.

We’re having less sex than ever before and why is this so?

We’re becoming sexually NUMB!

This sexual numbness means that when we DO make love- often after we’ve finished work, looked after the family, attended to all the really important things in life, we find our sexual pleasure isn’t that inspiring. Leaving us hurt and confused and making it a long time before we make sex a priority again.

What are we saying?

Our bodies can lose their capacity to feel huge pleasure and begin to feel lots of nothing- this is known as sexual numbness and it is unknowingly ruining sex lives around the world.

Here we talk about why this happens and what simple step (and some more time invested ones) you can take to help your bodies learn how to reawaken and really feel.

This is some of what the lucky couples coming to our Couples Retreat will be learning and enjoying the benefits of.

What is Sexual Numbness?

Sexual Numbness happens because of something called body armouring.

It’s the body’s response to feeling hurt and pain- it literally toughens up.

There are 4 main reasons for this:

We shutdown or avoid our emotional feelings. This seems a good short term choice but over the long run it doesn’t work. Our feelings (including our sexual feelings) are all energy and when we shut down one, we shut down all of them. We can’t avoid sadness and feel joy, avoid shame and feel bliss, or avoid anger and feel passion. We might think we do but these feelings become a mere echo of what we’re really capable of.

2. Our hearts become armoured from unresolved emotional wounding. When we’ve been hurt and haven’t known how to heal we logically go into protection mode to prevent further injury, like putting several coats of Armor All on our hearts. The armouring makes our hearts look shiny on the outside but leaves them hardened within and less available for anything new, depriving ourselves of new opportunities for love that come our way.

3. The same thing happens to our genitals- they become armoured because of sexual wounding. And sexual wounding isn’t limited to sexual abuse… sexual wounding can happen simply through “doing” or having “unfeeling” sex. The current pornographic model of sex, sadly our most common teacher, is focussed on the “doing”, and on what sex looks like because porn is a visual medium. Rather than focussing on what it might actually feel like which is what we are actually interested in. Over time this hard and fast porn style thrusting by under prepared genitals just creates sexual numbness.

4. At a deeper level our bodies numbness can be a pathway to deeper self understanding. It’s our bodies way of saying “I need you to listen to me”. Perhaps you have been pushing yourself in all sorts of stress creating ways and your body won’t allow you to de-stress by sexual release, forcing you to find do so in a more wholisitc way. Perhaps your body is holding a little pocket of shame from being caught exploring your genitals with a boy/girl at school? Or it might want to show you a part of your sexuality, or your masculinity or femininity that you are denying. The possibilities are endless, but whatever the message is that your body is inviting you to look at by not being on automatic pilot, it will be one worth listening to.

Because believe it or not the tissues of our genitals are very sensitive- this is their original nature. This is a GOOD thing because sensitive genitals need a lot less attention to feel amazing. Remember back when you were teenagers and a mere touch was enough to send you into orbit? Over time a “doing” or “stimulating” type of sex leaves our genitals numb, making it harder for them to feel anything much at all. This results in fewer orgasms, reduced overall pleasure, weaker erections and a decreased libido.

The way to bring our bodies back to life is to “do” less and “feel” more:

Breathe deeply when you’re making love. Deep and slow breathing awakens and spreads your pleasure through your whole body. Short, fast breathing stimulates your pleasure to a peak- but if the pleasure isn’t there to start with you’ll short change yourself so begin with deep and slow.
Give yourself permission to make sounds, as to make sound we set up a vibration in the body which can help energy move, even little sounds can help start the process.
Instead of “thrusting’ your hips like a porn star, which tightens the muscles in your butt, hips, thighs and pelvic floor try “rocking” your hips, which relaxes and open these same muscles. Pleasure flows through relaxed muscles so this is definitely the way to go!
Try some short, deep thrusts, instead of relying only on full length in and out thrusts (which are better for the visual shots in blue movies but which become a bit boring at home). When you’re in deep only pull back only 2 or 3 cms at a time.
Take some time outside of sex to gently massage each other’s genitals, with plenty of oil and without any sexual agenda other than to resensitize them. Ie. with no focus on arousal. If you can really surrender to it (and breathe fully) it feels amazing and will re-energize your genitals in surprising ways.
Connect eyes when you’re making love- this definitely brings up the feeling factor.
To awaken further try some sexual healing for women and for men.
If, in the intimacy of lovemaking you feel pain or closed-ness in your heart, feel it and also share about it with your lover. This helps you take a few coats of Armor All off your heart and open it to more love. Yes it can be raw, but raw is the new sexy!

If you’d like to know more an experience some of this for yourselves take a look at our next weekend coming up in Sept 2017

Overcontrolling In Bed?

March 9, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Are You Overcontrolling In Bed?

And is it limiting your sex life?

Sexual pleasure is about freedom, expansion and surrendering control. Ultimately it is about moving beyond the control of the mind into the freedom of just being. When it’s not happening for us in sex we can get into the habit of overcontrolling in bed ie. micromanaging our experience. You know, where we’re trying to make it happen by taking long enough, getting rid of our thoughts, holding our body in the right way, getting our lovers to do A-Z in the right order for the right length of time in the right way…we can have a whole ritual of what needs to happen before we think we can go there. The trouble is all of this puts us in the opposite place to where pleasure happens- in our analytical minds judging what is or is not happening. What we’re looking for doesn’t live there. Controlling our lover in this way doesn’t allow them to connect with their own place of freedom either, further limiting the potential of your sexual space.

How to find our freedom from overcontrolling in bed:

Drop using any techniques that are about cranking your pleasure up for the moment.
Go underneath your desire to control and be willing to just feel what is there instead.
Feel what is there without judgment because this allows you to shift out of control.
Give yourself permission to be sexual. As silly as it sounds it works. We can have a whole lot of shame that keeps our body numb to pleasure and saying YES to this part of ourselves helps us burn it away. Keep saying “I give myself permission to be sexual and love it” until you feel a shift in your body.
You might just feel resistance at first, if you do this is a good thing because it means you’re in the right place. Keep going.
Let yourself feel desire in you, drop needing it to be about your lover. Bring it home to yourself as this is where your power lives.

Have a play with what will help you give yourself permission outside the bedroom as well.

Spend a little time naked at home.
Dance to some highly sexual music until you can embody it in yourself.
Buy a very erotic outfit and wear it in front of your mirror until you can feel yourself embodying inside you what it represents.
Take some risks: try some simple flirting with your lover (or someone else), make eyes at your lover, say sexy things, expose parts of your body for a moment, feel what is happening for you inside yourself as you do so and let it move through you.
Self pleasure in front of a mirror and acknowledge this part of yourself.
Gain control in a healthy way by consciously playing with your breath- short and fast, long and slow, all combinations.
If you want to be in control in sex set it up with your lover and get their permission to do it consciously, playing with your power can help free up where your power lies in shadow.

If you’re a soft, heart open, “spiritual” person and this sounds completely inappropriate or the opposite to what you’re looking for in our experience it isn’t. Sex has a very powerful shadow and to be fully in your heart and expanded into your higher self you need to learn to deal with it. And dealing with it in a healthy way is seeing and owning it. There is also a lot of energy in our sexuality, it’s our life force energy, so the more we consciously access it the more we have to transmute into love and light.

And having a good time whilst you’re doing it!

If you would like to find out more about finding freedom and greater pleasure in the bedroom email or call us on 1800 TANTRA