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The No.1 Tip to Keep Your Woman Wanting You

February 21, 2017 By Annette & Graeme 4 Comments

Keep your woman wanting you by touching her.

Your woman needs to be touched.

Something that often stands out for us is the way guys are missing one of the most basic rules in lovemaking. keep your woman wanting you by touching her all over

Well, it’s more than a rule really, it’s a necessity!

What is even more surprising is that sometimes women don’t know this rule either…

Women need to be touched everywhere else before their genitals for them to work fully!

This is especially true in relationship sex- what we call sex for the long run. Any woman’s body that is not touched in lovemaking will sooner or later completely shut down, leaving her lover scratching his head wondering what happened.

This leaves him sadly buying into the belief, likely to be endorsed by his mates that a loss of interest in sex is “normal” in a woman. It is not.

A woman’s body is made to be touched, it’s not only luscious to look at its yearning to be fully appreciated.

Her body, not just Female sexuality more than just lingerieher vagina, needs to be penetrated with attention.

Anything else leaves her uninterested in sex and sometimes uninterested in her partner. It will also leave her more over emotional, critical even bitter; or cold, withdrawn and unapproachable.

A lack of touch makes her more interested in being with her kids where some of these needs for physical and emotional (not sexual) intimacy get met.

The interesting thing is that these people aren’t lacking in intelligence.

They’re smart, caring, creative and competent so it’s not that they aren’t capable of touching it’s just that they literally don’t know the importance.

And they’re not alone.

Why DON’T men touch?

Of course many men do touch, we’re looking here at the ones who don’t yet.

Survival of the species

A guy’s primal drive in sex, as it is in his life, is to produce.

To get to his goal as fast and as efficiently as possible. His primal urge to “get there” can override everything else in his pathway, leading him to ignore anything he perceives as distracting along the way.

And at its most basic level a woman’s pleasure, or anything beyond the perceived openness of her vagina, is not Primal manrequired for man to achieve his primal objective.

This is not an excuse but it is part of the reason behind a guy’s blindness in bed.

We’ve moved on from sex being merely about the survival of the species.

We’re now capable of sustained physical pleasure, emotional closeness and intimacy in sex, closeness and intimacy that men, given the opportunity, will admit they crave as much as women.

They just don’t know how to go about it, and the complexity of a woman’s body can be overwhelming.

Part of it is that men lack the quality information that can teach them.

Nowhere to learn from

Men have little opportunity to learn from others in their environment.

Open, honest conversations about sex and how it happens are as rare as hen’s teeth and mostly what we hear is disinformation about sex that perpetuates the stereotypes we labour under.

It’s one of the things we most love about our work- making these kinds of conversations possible.

Male Sexuality from the heartOf course, pornography is the master of disinformation about sex- about truly satisfying sex at least.

Porn is great for titillation and getting us to the end point but terrible at showing us how to make the most of the bit in between.

Porn shows men penetrating women increasingly without any kind of touching beforehand and mistakenly portrays the women screaming in pleasure from the mere act of having a cock inside her.

Porn is teaching women too that she doesn’t need to be touched. A woman’s body doesn’t work that way.

Except on the occasions she is really hot with all systems firing and there’s usually reasons behind this other than just the immanent sex.

Cultural conditioning

Men grow up in the bullshit culture of how men should be big, strong and tough, not sensitive or ‘girly’, primed for fighting rather than loving, leaving them numb in their bodies and less sensitive to touch than they’re capable of.

Believe us guys, the more sensitive you become (without losing yourself) the more powerfully masculine you become where it counts- in the lingam (cock) and in the heart.man in mask

Men often grow up in an environment where touching, even non sexual touching wasn’t a normal part of daily life for them.

Such as hanging out on the couch together, having hugs, being held when they’re sad or even being kissed goodnight at bedtime.

It can be true for women as well. This kind of touch may even have been shamed.

Growing up with a lack of touch makes it difficult to know what it feels like and what its benefits are.

Performance based touch

When men do take the time to become good at touching a woman they’re unfortunately taught to “turn her on”.

As Leonard Cohen so powerfully sang “I didn’t know how to feel so I learned how to touch”.

A man can even believe he knows how to touch so well that his woman ‘should’ like it, no matter what.

This external touch can leave a woman feeling pressured to perform in order to validate his skill and feeling manipulated rather than fulfilled no matter how pleasure she has.

It limits the connection possible in truly intimate lovemaking.

Men also carry shame about their sexual needs and often have anger towards women who as they see it, don’t provide for their needs.

This leaves them resentful about having to “give” touch in return.

Men haven’t been taught how to take responsibility for their own sexual needs and having unsatisfying sexual relationships makes this worse.

Not knowing what is possible

And finally it’s just that most people don’t know what is possible in sex, beyond having a “genital sneeze” type orgasm.

In the rush for the mechanics the intimacy in sex is lost. In relationship sex in the absence of intimacy much of the pleasure is lost.

And why do women accept it?

A woman is primally driven to open and receive in sex.

This leaves her without a voice to ask for what it is that she needs for her own arousal and continues to happen despite the growth in women’s liberation elsewhere in life.

It leaves her lover in the dark operating on instinct leaving her to just “go along” and hope that it’s over soon.

Woman’s strength has been in her capacity to endure rather than her ability to speak up.

She knows intuitively there is more but she is at a loss in how to create it, and with today’s orgasm performance based sex so much the norm she can even doubt her instincts.

So how DO you touch a woman in sex?

Begin getting into your own body first so she can feel you.

By touching her outside the bedroom to help her get into her feeling body too- not groping, just relaxed touch without an agenda.

Then by asking her.

Ask questions to make sure you understand her fully.

Dropping any expectations of a result, just enjoy each moment.

Don’t be afraid to ask for feedback as you touch her, not from a place of insecurity but from caring- would you like it slower/faster/softer/firmer/to the right/left etc.

And keep asking. She will love you for it.

If she really doesn’t know, start with kissing her a lot.

Then follow the basic idea of imagining she has a bikini on and touching her everywhere else but under her bikini.

Particularly the back of her neck, her head and her hair, her breasts (all of them not just her nipples), over her heart, her lower back, buttocks and inner thighs. For more see Tantric Touch

Once you arrive at her genitals (or yoni as we like to call it which means sacred space) take the same approach- touch from the outside in- pubic mound, outer labia, perineum, inner labia, clitoris, entrance to her vagina, gspot and aspots (at cervix).

If she’s liking it do more of it, at the same speed or keep coming back to it.

Touch her from a place of exploration rather than performance.

Breathe and invite her to breathe with you.

And women, ask for it. And love touching yourself too so he’ll want to join you.

Make it a team effort.

She will love you for it and so will you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Best Ever Relationship Tool!

December 6, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

It’s breathing!

You’ve probably never thought about breathing as a relationship tool, but it is a powerful one.

Not to mention all the benefits breathing has to offer you as an individual, apart from the obvious one of keeping you alive!

Breathing In is the first thing we do when we’re born.Woman breastfeedingcanstockphoto40881870

Breathing out is the last thing we do before we die.

And the way we breathe in between not only keeps us alive, it has a significant impact on our quality of life in between…

Maybe you’ve noticed how your breath changes depending on how you feel: short and shallow when you’re stressed, deeper and slower when you’re relaxed. Your breath changes when you yawn, sigh, cry or laugh. Not only that but you can change how you feel by actively changing your breath.

We invite you to fall in love with breathing…

This alone will change your relationship! And the exciting thing about quality breathing is that it’s effects are cumulative- the more you do it the quicker and more longer lasting the impact.

From a relationship point of view breathing can:

  • Awareness of our breathing connects us to ourselves. This is a good thing as the more we’re connected to ourselves the more we have to share with another.
  • Deep breathing helps us get relaxed, present and grounded, making it easier for us to know what to say and to hear what our significant other is really saying!
  • Help move emotions through our bodies, avoiding stuckness and mental drama. The more we breathe the more we feel, release and shift.
  • Increase access to our intuitive wisdom and our heart’s truth as well as bring mental clarity.
  • Accelerated breathing increases our sexual pleasure, deep slow breathing spreads it through our bodies, producing altered states and even spiritual experiences!

 

Research shows that breathing does a lot more too!

Amongst other things breathing:

  • Decreases stress and promotes relaxationrelaxation for female desire and arousal
  • Helps to decrease anxiety and depression
  • Increases happiness and optimism
  • Increases self awareness
  • Improves focus and concentration
  • Improves sleep
  • Strengthens our ability to regulate our emotions
  • Improves symptoms of trauma
  • Reduces impulsivity, cravings and addictionsFreedom
  • Decreases stress and regulates our body’s level of cortisol, the stress hormone
  • Strengthens our immunity by altering the genes responsible for them
  • Reduces pain and activation of the pain centres in the brain
  • Improves digestion
  • Oxygenates muscles for better function
  • Detoxifies and releases toxins, removes carbon dioxide from the blood, replacing it with oxygen

Someone who is less stressed and depressed, more aware, happier, thinks clearer, sleeps well, regulates their emotions, isn’t ruled by addictions, stress or pain with a healthy tummy and fitter body would be much easier to be in relationship with, don’t you agree?

So take a pause and breathe…

Breathing mindfully can also help your relationship by helping you become less reactive. Can you imagine if instead of saying something mean, you were able to mentally step back and chill before talking? Wouldn’t that be nice? If the state of your mind affects the breath the reverse is true as well and here’s how it can help your relationship. The next time you’re arguing with your partner try taking longer, deeper breaths. Notice how that can quickly reduce anger and connect us with ourselves, allow us to look at the situation from a new perspective.

 

And last but not least breathing is a natural aphrodisiac

Oztantric intimacyIt helps us be more present with our lovers and will not only spread your pleasure into a more full bodied experience whilst increasing the intensity of your orgasm and build sexual stamina.

Falling in love with your breath will help you fall deeper and stay in love with your partner, with yourself and with life!

Breathing Activity:

An optimal breath comes by breathing deeply in through your nose into your belly, allowing your belly to fill, expanding up into your chest and exhaling through a slightly open mouth.

Try practicing breathing (mindfully) as often as you can remember.

Put up little notes around the house, at your computer, on your dashboard, in your meditation, when you exercise, getting ready for sleep, helping you wake up, put a breathing reminder app on our phone, anywhere and everywhere…

Go To Hot Relationship Topics

Sex After 50: The Delicious Years

November 23, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that sex after 50 needs to be a distant memory!

Many studies have shown that humans are interested in sex well into their 80’s, it’s just in our youth obsessed culture we ignore this intriguing possibility…

Sex changes as we get older, and that’s all because  if we change with it, sex will become even better as we get older…

At 57 years of age, whenever I’ve had sex and I look in the mirror I think “Wow, you’re looking great!” My eyes are huge and luminous, my skin radiant, my body relaxed and sensually alive. I not only look good, I feel pretty good too.Annette Baulch Oztantra

Even though I have to admit my libido is not what it used to be. It very much comes and goes.

But what IS always there is what I call the ‘grown up’ factor. This is the part of me that recognizes even if I don’t ‘feel horny’ at the thought of sex, I always have the choice to make it happen.

Getting Into The Driver’s Seat

This is the difference between having sexual desire driving me, and me driving my sexual desire. This is the difference between hormonal driven ‘youthful sex’ and the choice driven sex that can happen once the hormonal flush is over.

Part of me, and of most people I speak to, still longs for the effortless ‘horniness’ that allows sex to ‘just happen’. I liken it to the part of me that sometimes longs for someone bigger than me to take charge, someone that will cook dinner when I come home late or will come up with a sensational new idea I’m after. It’s that part of me not willing to take full responsibility.

Once I recognize what is going on I can drop it. For of course, I can take charge in my own life and want to do so.

Saying YES to Sex!

This is what happens with our sex lives. As we move out of hormonal driven desires we need to take responsibility for what we can create in our sex lives. WE need to say YES to sex before it will say YES to us.Oral sex man giving woman

When we do say YES, our sex drive will show up even better than before. To want the many benefits sex can bring. (see benefits of sex article)

When we say to our partners “I would really like to make love with you tonight” and remember delicious times from the past and have an open mind about what can be created right now great things can happen.

Rather than sex being a rush to orgasmic relief, each moment can be a choice to feel, to breathe, to be fully in our bodies, fully in the moment, to be present to the opportunities arising.

To start by just holding each other and relaxing.

To drop any agendas about what sex ‘should’ look like and go with what is.

To be willing to take your time.

Breathe and pc squeeze.

To love wanting the feel of aliveness and connection inside us that great lovemaking can bring.rope spiral shutterstock_91613534 sm

To be right here now.

To be willing to trust that desire will arise given an atmosphere of trust and understanding.

Confident enough to be intimate, vulnerable and open.

With more of ourselves to reveal than ever before.

Less drive, more skill and so much more to discover!

 

If you would like some support to upgrade your lovemaking skills to make the most of getting older sex contact us about an Ultimate Couples Getaway, a chance for you to chill out in a beautiful beach or rainforest location whilst your very own bedroom specialists come right to your very door and respectfully (clothes on) lead the way!

Sex: Just How Good Is It For You?

November 23, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

The benefits of sex extend well beyond the bedroom.

Doing some SexplorationHere we outline a few of them:

So you can enjoy the experience even more, whilst knowing you’re doing something good for yourself.
And if you’ve been finding more reasons not to go there recently here’s a few reasons to turn yourself back on to the advantages of a little nookie…

Sex is not only pleasurable, do you know just how good it is for you? The benefits range from reducing your stress levels to lowering your risk of cancer and heart attacks. Sex facilitates bonding and feelings of intimacy that do more than just make you feel good, they actually reduce anxiety and boost your overall health and wellbeing. Let’s explore the perks more fully.

Fewer Sick Days with a Higher Libido?

Studies comparing those sexually active with those who aren’t say that more sex equals fewer sick days by boosting your immune system. So the next time you’re feeling a cold coming on as well as reaching for the Vitamin C and heading to bed early reach for your partner (or your own genitals) and get some feel good vibes going in your body.

oral sex loverHaving sex also boosts your libido and your sexual desire. It reminds your body just how good it can feel and makes it want more. So if it’s been a while for you don’t stress about it just get started and believe it will get even better as you practice more.

Your Pelvic Floor

You can improve your bladder and erection control by having regular sex and orgasms as they strengthen and tone your pelvic floor muscles. Your pelvic floor muscles not only promote continence and erectile function they’re also a pleasure generator.  As the more you squeeze, the more you stimulate the well of sexual energy that lives in your pelvic bowl! You don’t need to squeeze hard just regularly.

Heart Disease and Cancer

Lowering your risk of heart disease might seem a distant reason to have sex but can you think of a more important one? Sex helps not only keep you physically active it helps balance your hormones, lowers your blood pressure and your stress levels. Sex gets you active and burns calories too. It cannot replace your gym workout or your morning walk but it is a nice way to get some extra physical activity and much more effective than vegging out on the couch!

Sex can also reduce the risk of prostate cancer and improve vaginal health post menopause. Men who ejaculated more frequently than those who didn’t were shown to have a lower risk of prostate cancer than those who didn’t. We would add that Recreating the sparkincluding prostate massage (massaging the area between the balls and the anus, or internally on the prostate itself) in your love play is even better than overly focussing on ejaculation. Prostate massage helps spread sexual energy through the body rather than just releasing it through ejaculation. Having sex helps to balance your hormones, increase the blood flow, elasticity and lubrication of your vaginal walls sex is an important addition to your menopause management (whilst boosting your libido along the way).

Pain Reliever & Sleep Promoter

Got a headache? It might be a reason to actually have sex (or masturbate) rather than avoid it! Sexual stimulation has been shown to help keep pain at bay by blocking your brain’s pain signals and increasing your pain threshold. It may be the last thing you feel like when you start, but the end result can be worth it. Masturbating can be a great aid to weight loss too, getting you through that crucial moment of need…

Can’t sleep? Rather than tossing and turning start stroking your body and relaxing instead by waking up those delicious feelings in your body. Focus on breathing into them and feel the restlessness leaving. If you can’t turn your brain off imagine it filling up with cotton wool instead- it really works! Whether you orgasm or not you’ll soon be smiling and ready for sleep.The art of self pleasure

We all know this one…

Sex is also well known to be a great stress reliever. And not just because of the release of orgasm/ejaculation. The touching and hugging in sexual intimacy promotes the release of feel good hormones, reducing anxiety and promoting overall wellbeing. Sexual arousal releases feel good endorphins and other chemicals in the brain that stimulate your pleasure and reward systems. If you practice Tantric Sex, which is all about relaxation at the beginning, rather than just at the end, then filling yourself with life sustaining sexual energy, sex becomes even more stress relieving.

Studies show that those well bonded to their partners are happier and healthier. With humans being such social creatures, our close and loving connections with others boosts our overall health and wellbeing. The range of endorphins released in sex (whether by yourself or with another) act as natural anti depressants. Whilst improving your intimacy and closeness through hugging, cuddling and slow, sensual sex stimulates the release of the love hormone oxytocin, building feelings of love, trust, generosity and bonding. So whilst hot and hard may be how sex is most often portrayed, slowing down and really getting connected has even more to offer.

Man facing forwardLook Better and Get Smarter!

Believe it or not sex can even help you look younger. In one study, judges viewed participants through a one way mirror and guessed the ages of those having sex 4 times per week as 7-12 years younger than they actually were. Sex keeps your skin younger looking, your eyes brighter and your hair shinier. So toss out the expensive beauty creams and get sexy instead!

And lastly, if you need any more convincing, sex also boosts your brainpower. Researchers specializing in human pleasure (what great career!) have determined that “Mental exercises increase brain activity but only in relatively localized regions, orgasms activates the whole”. Barry Komisaruk, PhD, Psychology, Rutgers University, US in July 2011. We see this means sex is also an opportunity to become more self aware. Using that heightened brain power to look in at yourself in your open, expanded state invites more self insight than most other life situations. This gives you permission to ditch the crosswords and Google search and go for the powers of pleasure instead!

As you can see, the benefits of sex are huge, and whilst we don’t say they outweigh the importance of a healthy lifestyle we do believe that sex plays a vital role in our overall health and happiness, whether it’s sex with your partner or with yourself…

And you’d like to learn some more ways to clear the blockages that lead to the good stuff in your relationship email us here or come along to our next event.

Relationship Healing Experience

October 1, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

This is the story of Mark & Jenny’s relationship healing

 

Mark & Jenny were a couple who sort of believed they still loved each other.
But their daily reality wasn’t bearing that out.

Read how they moved form disconnection, anger and uncertainty into something new and rewarding.

Their story is one unique version of the many couples who come to us from across Australia and overseas for one of our individually focussed Ultimate Couples Getaways. It’s a story of relationship healing…

This is Mark

ManMark was working long hours, successful in his business but paying for it through the stress he carried, stress that lead him to slump down in front of the TV at night, with a ‘leave me alone’ wall emanating from him. Which was better than the nights he had to take his anger out on Jenny by picking a fight with her. He wondered if he might be a bit depressed, but this thought was too hard to deal with so he avoided it. He did worry about his almost non existent libido, but didn’t know what to do about it. Mark felt very much in charge at work but when it came to the bedroom he didn’t have the answers and was scared to look. He dealt with his fear by being angry and keeping Jenny at a distance.

This is Jenny

mature womanJenny was a very loving, passionate woman. She longed for more lovemaking in her relationship but she was scared of Mark’s anger and found it impossible to breach his unavailability. Feeling powerless, she carried a lot of frustration about the lack of passion in her relationship, as well as the lack of intimacy that stemmed from it. So much so that she had a luscious affair a few months ago, that ended when her lover ran away from her emotional intensity. This left Jenny even more angry and now feeling guilty as well. She’d was having therapy that helped her feel more normal and less guilty but left her still burdened with a deeper level of ongoing frustration.

Persistence Pays

Jenny urged Mark to consider coming to counselling with her. He was very resistant to the idea of exposing his vulnerabilities to a complete stranger and kept saying no. Jenny kept looking for an answer. She wanted to feel connected with Mark again and have a real relationship, not just go through the motions and look for real intimacy outside of it. Especially after their youngest son, Trent, left home at the end of the year leaving Mark and Jenny alone in the house.Getaways lessen divorce

Eventually Jenny found Oztantra’s Ultimate Couples Getaways and spoke to Annette and Graeme about their approach to relationship counselling. Amazed at even being able to speak to them upfront at no cost, Jenny sensed that here were two people who might have the solution she was desperate for. Otherwise it felt like the end of the road for her in her relationship with Mark. Annette and Graeme got right to the point of where she was at and what she wanted, whilst being relaxed and approachable. Jenny felt hopeful.

Something New

Mark agreed to speak to these guys because he could do it from home with minimal commitment from himself. Somehow, speaking to Annette and Graeme felt more like a conversation than any kind of therapy. Yes, a couple of the ideas they brought up were a bit confronting, but in his gut he knew that there was something in it he could trust.

His gut instinct also told him he could trust these two, especially as they could help him laugh about some of his biggest fears without him even having to mention them.

A Good Start

So Mark and Jenny booked a flight to Byron Bay and spent five days having both a holiday in relaxed and sunny Lennox Head, just 15 minutes south of Byron. They didn’t need a car, everything they wished for was in walking distance from their Lennox Beach Resortaccommodation, including an abundance of great cafes, succulent fresh fish, daily walks and swims, even a local yoga class.

In a relaxed manner Annette & Graeme met them for a coffee even before the sessions started, just to get further acquainted and comfortable with the process. Mark and Jenny were able to choose the time of their sessions to fit in with their desires, with available follow up at a moment’s notice for no extra cost. It still didn’t feel like therapy.

New Pathways

The next day they had their first session – a total of 3 hrs, that went by very fast. Annette & Graeme were able to present a framework of ideas that showed them they weren’t broken and they weren’t alone. What’s more, they saw that what they’d thought were problems were actually pathways to what they both wanted.

The pathway is TantraJenny had her beliefs about her sexuality validated. It wasn’t that she was needy or demanding, more that she was following her body’s intuition about the importance of sex for her as part of her vitality and life force, her very survival. In fact, she had felt like she was dying (or crazy) having to shut it down when sex was unavailable. She learned new ways to nurture her sexuality outside of sex that gave her a new lust for life itself.

Mark learned that whilst his libido might not be what it once was there was a whole new place in sex waiting for him that was as good as, if not better that what had gone before. And a big part of it was about him taking the time to look after himself, to relax and not see sex merely as another job he had to ‘perform’ at when he was exhausted. He found a new way to view sex as revitalizing.

Opening the Floodgates

This helped them begin to feel excited once more about their relationship. They also learned some powerful ways to communicate and feel heard about the things that were most important to them. They found so much to talk about, other than the kids and work, which had been the mainstay of their conversations for many years. Mark and Jenny started to really see each other as unique individuals, rather than a source of pain and suffering which helped them trust one another again. This opened the floodgates of desire.

With your sexuality...it is your vitality, your life force

Going deeper they not only recognized where some of their patterns of behaviour came from, they also learned how to get underneath the stories that kept them trapped and hurting to the love underneath. Building on the newfound love Mark and Jenny learned some simple but amazing lovemaking techniques that increased both their intimacy and pleasure. Jenny felt met by Mark in lovemaking as never before. Mark felt freer and more inspired in sex than he had for a long time. They practiced these in the privacy of their accommodation.

Not only this, but it seemed like both their relationship and themselves had healed at a very deep level that was beyond words. They felt seen, held and met by Annette & Graeme in a subtle and powerful way, connecting them to strengths they’d never dreamed they had. And surprisingly there were many healing laughs along the way.

An Excited Beginning

Mark and Jenny felt like they had found a new beginning and couldn’t wait to get started. To help integrate the new changes at IMG_6269 Buttonhome because it takes more than just a few days to change life long patterns, Annette and Graeme Fear of changeoffered a follow up Skype session at home, included in the cost.

Even though the couple worked very hard and faced some very challenging things it felt more like an adventure than therapy, with Annette and Graeme riding side saddle beside them.

If you’re looking for your own relationship adventure contact Graeme and Annette today about an Ultimate Couples Getaway on 1800 TANTRA

Trust between men and women

September 6, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Trust is something that goes hand in hand with love.

In love and the shared pleasure that is part of it we give our trust and believe we will receive it in return…

Over time in relationship, because we’re human, we experience moments of this trust not being lived up to that make it harder to keep offering and believing in it. Feeling and expressing the feelings found within this and freeing ourselves through forgiveness allows us to reopen and trust once more.

Yet trust between men and women has some unique challenges.

We have found there is one area of trust between male and female partners that shows up again and again. This is the challenge for women to trust men in sex and for men to trust women with their feelings. We see them as two sides of the same coin, a fear of being vulnerable in each, made worse by a lack of understanding, skill and empathy.Couple conscious relating

Women can easily relate to the feeling the feeling of ‘ickyness’ that arises in her when a man she doesn’t want comes on to her sexually. Less understood is that men have a similar response to a woman who demands that he opens up to her emotionally. It is in sex and emotion that men and women most miss each other. We look at why here…

 Let’s begin with women trusting men in sex

Women have a place of deep vulnerability in sex because they generally take longer to get to a point of full arousal than do men and it is easy for her to  go into a place of being wrong in it. It is a common point of frustration for men who generally step into arousal more quickly and easily.

Because a woman’s sexuality requires her to open both her body and herself up for her pleasure she needs to feel safe in order to do so. Women respond more readily to a sensual full body approach than a man requires for himself. Arousal in women happens mostly in her body, a man’s begins more so in his mind.

In his desire to do a good job man will treat his woman as he would himself, overriding, or not seeing this need for time in her. In not seeing her need for time, in not having the skill to help her, in resentment of ‘waiting’ or fear of not getting it right he will regularly cross this sexual boundary in his woman.  He invalidates her deepest need and touches her genitally before she is fully receptive, expecting and agitating her to open and willingly respond.

Tantric sex is making loveIn doing so he unknowingly avoids his own vulnerability, the vulnerability it takes to be an amazing lover, as this involves getting more present, more fully into his body, feeling more and opening his heart.

In this place women become very good at tolerating getting less than what they need. They get good at giving up asking for it and even better at performing as if they have it, aka the fake orgasm. This causes huge resentment and resistance in her, whether spoken or not. Over time, it’s enough for her to lose interest in sex altogether, or to live on performing in hope that one day he will get it.  She is left frustrated in wanting to find her place of wild abandon and/or deep loving in sex. This resentment leads not only to a lack of desire, but to a lack of love and trust in other areas of the relationship.

What can be done to remedy this loss of trust?

  1. Women can learn to trust and surrender into their own bodies, finding pleasure in themselves.
  2. Women can be clear about owning and asking for their needs of time to be met.
  3. Men can understand that taking time and an all over body approach is not a woman being ‘high maintenance’, it’s her being who she is. Respecting and meeting this part of her will ensure she is interested in, and available for lovemaking for many years to come.
  4. Men can learn to touch their lovers without agenda, from a place of relaxation and connection rather than wanting them to perform. Allowing rather than forcing things to happen.
  5. Men can learn to approach their lover from her outside moving to her centre, in her body, her breasts and her genitals.
  6. Men can learn to get more connected with their own sexual selves, taking the time to go deeper into their bodies, hearts and pleasure.

Secondly, we look at men trusting women with their hearts.

A man’s place of deep vulnerability is his heart and his feelings, because it is generally more difficult and takes longer for him to reveal his feelings than it does for a woman. This leaves woman frustrated at man’s lack of emotional openness and her need for intimacy going unmet.

Because of his conditioning away from his feelings, as well as the rapidity and depth of feeling he’s capable of when he really does go there, man requires a place of safety to open up emotionally. Because woman believes she has the emotional high ground in feeling matters, and finds the language of feeling easy she cannot understand his resistance to feeling and judges him negatively for it. This leads to her cross his emotional boundary by demanding that he emotionally ‘open up’ to her when she wants it, rather than when he is ready. Or it can lead her to miss him in his vulnerability as it is so unexpected. This makes man even more hesitant to reveal himself.Crying because relationship is over

Woman has been taught that vulnerability is about exposing or opening herself up to another person, or to something outside of herself. It is emotionally risky because We call this vulnerability without. It is emotionally risky because she is making herself vulnerable to betrayal if she is not seen and attack if she is invalidated or overridden. She is usually saying something like “I’m totally open here, I want you to see me, where are you?”

We see that here, even though woman believes she is totally vulnerable in reality she is merely exposed in her pain and suffering of vulnerability without, but her inner walls are still firmly in place. To protect herself in this dangerous place she unknowingly operates behind the wall of her emotional superiority.

From here she either:

  • Closes down as soon as possible
  • Becomes desperate for her man to validate or comfort her
  • She goes into a story to justify her fear and woundedness, whether it is true or not
  • She is hyper alert to any potential threat in what her partner says or does, seeing it as a threat, whether it is true or not
  • She goes on the offensive, attacking him to stay safe in herself.

In this place woman avoids her true vulnerability, the vulnerability it takes to be safely intimate at the depth she longs for (we explain this further down), whilst blaming her man for not going there himself. A man will see her woundedness, will feel her walls, and sensing the threat inside them feel unsafe to open up. He’ll withdraw safely into his cave, head out the door or shift into the offensive by attacking her back.

What can be done to remedy this loss of trust?

  1. Man can get grounded in himself and stay centred in the face of woman’s woundedness.
  2. Man can invite woman deeper into her feeling body, not getting caught up in her story.
  3. Woman can own her own lack of true vulnerability and stop making man wrong in his.
  4. Woman can hold onto herself in her emotionality, opening in to herself, into the feelings in her body rather than outwards to him. Feeling the feelings in her body rather the story in her head.
  5. Woman finding this inner vulnerability within herself will see it is a place of strength, going beyond her weakness to where she is fully open, no longer feeling the need to hide or protect herself and totally empowered.
  6. Woman will be less dependent on how her partner chooses to respond to her, allowing him space to show up with an authentic response.

There is a special place a woman will experience if a man does choose to go deep into his vulnerability. She may be triggered into the deep terror that happens for a woman when she perceives a man in his so called ‘weakness’ of vulnerability where he is, unable to be ‘the rock’ she unconsciously still needs him to be. It is another place woman benefits from connecting to her own inner strength to be able to stay grounded.

A word about vulnerability:

In both of the models above each of us is trying to avoid vulnerability and blaming the other for it.

We have been sold a big, fat lie about vulnerability. We’ve been told that it is a scary, dangerous place. However, it is not the actual vulnerability that is scary and dangerous but our lack of understanding in and inability to be with it.

When we make vulnerability ok, choosing to feel it, to feel it in our bodies rather than make up a story about it in our heads, when we allow it, and even welcome it in it becomes a very powerful place. When we understand to go within ourselves and feel, rather than to open out to another and look for something from them.

This is holding on to ourselves, opening in to ourselves, in both sex and in intimacy.

It’s where we surrender to our higher selves, our minds sinking into our heart.

Love and pleasure beyond description is one of the benefits of true vulnerability.

 

This is a very deep subject, very real but hard to put into words, with some challenging aspects. We encourage you to contact us for further clarification and discussion if you desire. Call 1800 TANTRA or email here

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sexual Healing

February 11, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Sexual Healing, the Myth…

 

As a man, and a sexual male who is in a long term and committed relationship, I find it challenging to hear and read the current debate around sexual healing by male “healers” with women.

With this in mind, I have decided to speak out as a professional who works with men and women, both singles and those in long term relationships.

Sexual Healing Sessions

I have had many sessions with men and women, both as couples and singles, and most importantly on my own or with my partner Annette.

Either way, always following up with debriefing about my experience with her.spiritual-image-woman-hands-reaching-for-butterfly

I am also speaking from my place in my long term relationship with Annette, who is my lover, teacher, critic and business partner.

How I show up with her is my measure in how I am with a client, as it is also with her and her clients.

The relationship we share is a powerful space of deep clarity, challenge and compassion, and a gift that we both bring into our work.

We are “owner operators” in every sense of the phrase…..

Don’t get me wrong, I have on many occasions had sessions that involved varying degrees of nakedness and sexual touch.

One thing that I have not heard, in any of this “debate” around male sexual healers, is just how powerful a sexual healing experience can be for a woman, where she is fully clothed and not being physically touched.

Imagine a world where your intimate relationship is a source of connection and meaning...

How would it be, for you as woman to feel safe, and sexual in a way that is invited by a space that is clear, intense and healing?

Where the healing is in simply experiencing a deeply personal loving open hearted man in his sexuality, without personal agenda?

Where the opening is to herself rather than to the man, in a space held by clear masculine presence ?

“The myth is that sexual healing must involve nakedness or sexual touch, even sexual penetration”.

In fact, I believe the exact opposite is true in most cases.

Sexual Healing is not about sex

It is healing simply for a woman to be penetrated by clear masculine sexual heart presence while remaining fully clothed and not being physically touched.

In this space of not having sex, but in feeling her sexuality opening deeply as she opens her heart to herself, especially in a space held by deeply personal and loving masculine heart space.

Experiencing the difference between “universal” love and “deeply personal” love is a big part of what sexual healing is about, particularly while being held by clear healthy masculine presence, and this is not about having sex or even being sexual.

How many women have opened their hearts, only to have it quickly closed down by unconscious sex ?

Remembering, that most women have been hurt by unconscious men, and in too many cases, this masculine shadow or unconsciousness can also be cleverly disguised as “healing”.Witch at the stake

Abuse can happen when the woman opens to the healer rather than herself and is where she may loose herself and be susceptible to being taken advantage of.

Especially when she is moving towards her sexual empowerment and freedom.

Opening to herself

Clothed or not, a woman opening to herself will soon feel and tell a man with a hidden agenda where to go with it!

Over the years through our work, I have had many conversations with men “desiring” to learn the art of sexual healing and with out exception my direction with them is to learn about their own sexual heart connection first.tantric yes

How many women out there want to do something sexually empowering for themselves, but don’t want to have to bare their souls to more of the same, especially if it is even more cleverly disguised as “healing”.

Increasingly, people and particularly women have become fed up with the co dependancy that has plagued the modern Tantra movement and are expecting more depth and clarity from their experiences.

As a woman, simply trust your feelings first and foremost, and seek out a session that brings YOU in touch with your own awareness, coming into your feeling body and your heart, then from that place, connecting with what it is that you desire for yourself.

 

 

 

 

Shifting from Work Mode to Desire

February 9, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

How do you make the transition from a hard day at work to sexual desire…The Beatles sang about desire

To a “Hard Day’s Night” in bed, as The Beatles once sang??

It’s one of the questions we get asked a lot- where to find desire.

How do you make the transition from work to a desire for pleasure…

man watching tv rather than risking desireUnfortunately it is all too easy to put it in the too hard basket and flake out in front of the TV or your laptop instead for those few minutes of ‘me’ time.

Or you might make an approach to your partner and their instant rejection of the idea crushes any tentative desires that may have been surfacing…

Yet if we stop making the effort, if we allow work, life and our resistance to be more important than each other we end up living in a relationship that we don’t really want.

And that is suffering.

In the long run it is worth it to make the effort in our relationships now…

We answer the question with something like this…

The most potent aphrodisiac is being seen, heard and valued.
It leads almost automatically into wanting and being wanted.
We offer you the following foreplay…

Step 1: How do you start?

Firstly it’s important to have a ritual that can separate your working day from your intimate home space. Boundary

This will look different for each of us as individuals, it will be likely different between men and women, and different again if a working parent is coming home to a stay at home parent.
Each person will have different needs and desires, and this is normal.
Foreplay for the stay at home parent may be help washing the kids or putting them to bed and reading them a story.
The working partner may need time and space to decompress after a hectic day in the rat race, or a chance to debrief their day.
What ever this may look like is up to each couple to discuss and work out, especially if there are children involved.

If you make creating space together a priority eventually it will be easy as it becomes more familiar.
Nb. Having something simple and energizing to look forward to can make getting the necessities done happen as quickly and efficiently as possible!

Step 2: Now get together and get real:

This is not a discussion or a talk fest, it’s much more straightforward and immediate.

couple facing each other to begin desireSimply begin with sitting down opposite each other, facing each other directly. This allows your body’s energy systems to move into alignment without doing anything other than just sitting there breathing. (Holding hands is optional).

You don’t have to be comfortable when you start, just start!

This may create some intensity, especially if your need for each other’s company is not being met and fulfilled because “life” is getting in the way, which can be an indication that you’re long overdue to start this process.

Step 3: Connect with yourself

Each close your eyes, take several deep breaths, breathing down into your bellies, in through your noses and out through your mouths.
Notice how your bodies are feeling physically- what are the actual sensations present inside you- tiredness, tension, stress, discomfort, no feeling, warmth, coldness, pain, relaxation.
Keep breathing and notice how you’re feeling emotionally- what sensations are you aware of in your belly, chest or throat? Irritation, anxiety, frustration, nervousness, sadness, happiness, ease, etc.
Whatever you’re feeling make it ok. Literally tell it it’s ok with your mind.
Take another breath or two and feel your sensations shift into a place of ease perhaps.Heart to Heart communication

Step 4: Share with your Partner what you’re experiencing

Open your eyes and when your partner’s ready tell them what you’re experiencing in your body. Tell them without judging it or expecting anything from them. Hear what your partner is experiencing without judging or analyzing it, just hear it and let it in.

Step 5: Connect with your desires…

Once you’ve each shared what is happening take a few moments of staying connected with your bodies to notice what your desires might be right now.

Step 6: Share them

Share your desires from this place of feeling them in yourself.
Nb. This is not about putting your desires onto the other person to make happen, just sharing what is real for you.

Again just hear each other without judgement.
Or if you do have a judgment let it go and focus on the person and what they’re feeling instead.

Your desires can be different…very different!

Woman desires romance

Maybe one partner would like to snuggle up on the couch with a glass of wine and chat…
Maybe the other would like to slowly stroke their partner’s ass and enter their wet, juicy cave with a hot cock…

Perhaps one would like help with the dishes and clearing up the kitchen.
Whilst their partner would like to cozy up to some porn, talk dirty, build the excitement and finishing by coming in waves of pleasure…

One may simply want to sit and watch tv together.
The other may want to feel totally shaken, disturbed, taken over, wantonly taken.

Or one wants to be lazily stroked all over, told how beautiful they are, kissed all over, rising to a delicious orgasm.Man desires sex
And the other wants to rip their clothes off, suck their nipples hard and fuck them…

These are just examples they can be any desire at all…Even if you just want to lie down and sleep. Feeling it and acknowledging it can help it to shift. The most important thing to do here is to let your partner’s desires filter through you without going into a story about them.

Despite what it looks like you are both speaking the same language.
You both want to feel good.

Even if her desires invite boredom or resistance. Even if his fill you with shame or disgust.
Our society has conditioned us to think otherwise but our desires don’t need to be separate.
They are all just desire.
For energy to flow it needs a ‘Yes”.
Tantra is the language of presence, of acceptance, of melding two into one…

Keep eye contact and breathe…
This is about sharing desires not trying to make them happen. Just be in the moment, real, aware. Open.
Share another desire, and another…

Feel what is behind the words

It can tell you even more than the words themselves. Feel the mutual desire for something sweet, hot, precious, pleasurable, uplifting, opening, state changing. Or maybe even a good laugh arising between the two of you, for laughter is very clearing…
reverse polarity
Breathe into your heart and into your genitals.

Feel your heart melting into the excitement of sexual desire. Not disappearing, being fired up.
Feel sexual desire rising into connection with your heart- still powerful, still erotic yet transformed into something bigger, freer, full of untapped potential.

Enjoy the moment exactly as it is, right here, right now…

See and feel each other desiring…

If you like breathe the feelings up into your third eye, directly between your eyes, feel its quality change again. Lean forward and share it with your partner in a (third eye to third eye) Tantric kiss.

Step 7: From here decide what comes next

Connected with your bodies, minds, hearts, sexuality and with each other your desires might be closer than you could have imagined.

Whatever happens you’ve already had a win…

To find out more ways to connect and nurture your relationship check out our Sexuality of the Heart Weekend Workshop Feb 19-21 2016

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