Relationship Sex Archives - Page 2 of 6 - Relationship & Sexuality Counselling Specialists

Friction Sex Vs Energetic Sex

March 28, 2017 By Annette & Graeme 2 Comments

Understanding the difference between Friction Sex Vs Energetic Sex

If you would like to begin exploring a more deeply satisfying sexual experience then begin by understanding the difference between friction sex and energy sex.

Friction sex is about two physical surfaces rubbing against each other over and over with a build up of body tension until a peak is reached and the tension is released. This is a pleasurable but ultimately limited approach as there are only so many ways and times you can do it before it becomes overly predictable and requiring more friction to get the same response as the skin becomes desensitized and numbed out. And it keeps you in your Ego Brain focussed on performance and attached to outcomes.

A word about stress relief– sex is often seen as a very effective stress reliever but if you use sex for this reason you’re short changing yourself. The pleasure you feel in the release of your stress is not true orgasmic pleasure and is much less than you are capable of. You will get much more pleasure if you can relax at the beginning of sex rather than just at the end, and we’ll show you how to do this.

Energy sex is where there is limited friction or even no friction. Where the two surfaces rub less and exchange energy between them. You can try this by experimenting with your own body. Move one hand lightly over your other arm, finding a pace and depth of touch that allows you to feel a slight buzz or tingling between the two surfaces, this is the energy exchange happening. Continue to do so and begin taking some deeper breaths into your belly, exhaling out of your mouth. This allows your body to relax and your energy to spread as your breath is an energy driver. In energy sex you relax at the beginning rather than at the end, as energy flows better through relaxed muscles. You can see this by moving your hand hard and quickly for a few moments- how different does it feel? Go back to light, relaxed touch, move your hand up over your shoulder, through your hair, around your face and explore how it feels without any agenda other than to see what happens. You will feel your body awakening to the touch. In lovemaking the same thing will happen to your whole body, brain and beyond, and to your partner’s as well as it opens up the spontaneous, creative, pleasure feeling part of your brain that has no agenda.

If you’re wondering by now does this mean the end of other types of sexual experiences from the quickie in the broom closet to playing with vibrators, watching porn or experimenting with full array of naughty sexual possibilities then of course the answer is not at all. It simply means if you bring these empowering heart opening tools into other types of play they’ll be even better.

Feeling Through Sexual Numbness

March 28, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

There’s a big, dirty secret out there.

One that is subtly reducing the amount of lovemaking that’s happening in relationships.

We’re having less sex than ever before and why is this so?

We’re becoming sexually NUMB!

This sexual numbness means that when we DO make love- often after we’ve finished work, looked after the family, attended to all the really important things in life, we find our sexual pleasure isn’t that inspiring. Leaving us hurt and confused and making it a long time before we make sex a priority again.

What are we saying?

Our bodies can lose their capacity to feel huge pleasure and begin to feel lots of nothing- this is known as sexual numbness and it is unknowingly ruining sex lives around the world.

Here we talk about why this happens and what simple step (and some more time invested ones) you can take to help your bodies learn how to reawaken and really feel.

This is some of what the lucky couples coming to our Couples Retreat will be learning and enjoying the benefits of.

What is Sexual Numbness?

Sexual Numbness happens because of something called body armouring.

It’s the body’s response to feeling hurt and pain- it literally toughens up.

There are 4 main reasons for this:

We shutdown or avoid our emotional feelings. This seems a good short term choice but over the long run it doesn’t work. Our feelings (including our sexual feelings) are all energy and when we shut down one, we shut down all of them. We can’t avoid sadness and feel joy, avoid shame and feel bliss, or avoid anger and feel passion. We might think we do but these feelings become a mere echo of what we’re really capable of.

2. Our hearts become armoured from unresolved emotional wounding. When we’ve been hurt and haven’t known how to heal we logically go into protection mode to prevent further injury, like putting several coats of Armor All on our hearts. The armouring makes our hearts look shiny on the outside but leaves them hardened within and less available for anything new, depriving ourselves of new opportunities for love that come our way.

3. The same thing happens to our genitals- they become armoured because of sexual wounding. And sexual wounding isn’t limited to sexual abuse… sexual wounding can happen simply through “doing” or having “unfeeling” sex. The current pornographic model of sex, sadly our most common teacher, is focussed on the “doing”, and on what sex looks like because porn is a visual medium. Rather than focussing on what it might actually feel like which is what we are actually interested in. Over time this hard and fast porn style thrusting by under prepared genitals just creates sexual numbness.

4. At a deeper level our bodies numbness can be a pathway to deeper self understanding. It’s our bodies way of saying “I need you to listen to me”. Perhaps you have been pushing yourself in all sorts of stress creating ways and your body won’t allow you to de-stress by sexual release, forcing you to find do so in a more wholisitc way. Perhaps your body is holding a little pocket of shame from being caught exploring your genitals with a boy/girl at school? Or it might want to show you a part of your sexuality, or your masculinity or femininity that you are denying. The possibilities are endless, but whatever the message is that your body is inviting you to look at by not being on automatic pilot, it will be one worth listening to.

Because believe it or not the tissues of our genitals are very sensitive- this is their original nature. This is a GOOD thing because sensitive genitals need a lot less attention to feel amazing. Remember back when you were teenagers and a mere touch was enough to send you into orbit? Over time a “doing” or “stimulating” type of sex leaves our genitals numb, making it harder for them to feel anything much at all. This results in fewer orgasms, reduced overall pleasure, weaker erections and a decreased libido.

The way to bring our bodies back to life is to “do” less and “feel” more:

Breathe deeply when you’re making love. Deep and slow breathing awakens and spreads your pleasure through your whole body. Short, fast breathing stimulates your pleasure to a peak- but if the pleasure isn’t there to start with you’ll short change yourself so begin with deep and slow.
Give yourself permission to make sounds, as to make sound we set up a vibration in the body which can help energy move, even little sounds can help start the process.
Instead of “thrusting’ your hips like a porn star, which tightens the muscles in your butt, hips, thighs and pelvic floor try “rocking” your hips, which relaxes and open these same muscles. Pleasure flows through relaxed muscles so this is definitely the way to go!
Try some short, deep thrusts, instead of relying only on full length in and out thrusts (which are better for the visual shots in blue movies but which become a bit boring at home). When you’re in deep only pull back only 2 or 3 cms at a time.
Take some time outside of sex to gently massage each other’s genitals, with plenty of oil and without any sexual agenda other than to resensitize them. Ie. with no focus on arousal. If you can really surrender to it (and breathe fully) it feels amazing and will re-energize your genitals in surprising ways.
Connect eyes when you’re making love- this definitely brings up the feeling factor.
To awaken further try some sexual healing for women and for men.
If, in the intimacy of lovemaking you feel pain or closed-ness in your heart, feel it and also share about it with your lover. This helps you take a few coats of Armor All off your heart and open it to more love. Yes it can be raw, but raw is the new sexy!

If you’d like to know more an experience some of this for yourselves take a look at our next weekend coming up in Sept 2017

Overcontrolling In Bed?

March 9, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Are You Overcontrolling In Bed?

And is it limiting your sex life?

Sexual pleasure is about freedom, expansion and surrendering control. Ultimately it is about moving beyond the control of the mind into the freedom of just being. When it’s not happening for us in sex we can get into the habit of overcontrolling in bed ie. micromanaging our experience. You know, where we’re trying to make it happen by taking long enough, getting rid of our thoughts, holding our body in the right way, getting our lovers to do A-Z in the right order for the right length of time in the right way…we can have a whole ritual of what needs to happen before we think we can go there. The trouble is all of this puts us in the opposite place to where pleasure happens- in our analytical minds judging what is or is not happening. What we’re looking for doesn’t live there. Controlling our lover in this way doesn’t allow them to connect with their own place of freedom either, further limiting the potential of your sexual space.

How to find our freedom from overcontrolling in bed:

Drop using any techniques that are about cranking your pleasure up for the moment.
Go underneath your desire to control and be willing to just feel what is there instead.
Feel what is there without judgment because this allows you to shift out of control.
Give yourself permission to be sexual. As silly as it sounds it works. We can have a whole lot of shame that keeps our body numb to pleasure and saying YES to this part of ourselves helps us burn it away. Keep saying “I give myself permission to be sexual and love it” until you feel a shift in your body.
You might just feel resistance at first, if you do this is a good thing because it means you’re in the right place. Keep going.
Let yourself feel desire in you, drop needing it to be about your lover. Bring it home to yourself as this is where your power lives.

Have a play with what will help you give yourself permission outside the bedroom as well.

Spend a little time naked at home.
Dance to some highly sexual music until you can embody it in yourself.
Buy a very erotic outfit and wear it in front of your mirror until you can feel yourself embodying inside you what it represents.
Take some risks: try some simple flirting with your lover (or someone else), make eyes at your lover, say sexy things, expose parts of your body for a moment, feel what is happening for you inside yourself as you do so and let it move through you.
Self pleasure in front of a mirror and acknowledge this part of yourself.
Gain control in a healthy way by consciously playing with your breath- short and fast, long and slow, all combinations.
If you want to be in control in sex set it up with your lover and get their permission to do it consciously, playing with your power can help free up where your power lies in shadow.

If you’re a soft, heart open, “spiritual” person and this sounds completely inappropriate or the opposite to what you’re looking for in our experience it isn’t. Sex has a very powerful shadow and to be fully in your heart and expanded into your higher self you need to learn to deal with it. And dealing with it in a healthy way is seeing and owning it. There is also a lot of energy in our sexuality, it’s our life force energy, so the more we consciously access it the more we have to transmute into love and light.

And having a good time whilst you’re doing it!

If you would like to find out more about finding freedom and greater pleasure in the bedroom email or call us on 1800 TANTRA

The No.1 Tip to Keep Your Woman Wanting You

February 21, 2017 By Annette & Graeme 4 Comments

Keep your woman wanting you by touching her.

Your woman needs to be touched.

Something that often stands out for us is the way guys are missing one of the most basic rules in lovemaking.

Well, it’s more than a rule really, it’s a necessity!

What is even more surprising is that sometimes women don’t know this rule either…

Women need to be touched everywhere else before their genitals for them to work fully!

This is especially true in relationship sex- what we call sex for the long run. Any woman’s body that is not touched in lovemaking will sooner or later completely shut down, leaving her lover scratching his head wondering what happened.

This leaves him sadly buying into the belief, likely to be endorsed by his mates that a loss of interest in sex is “normal” in a woman. It is not.

A woman’s body is made to be touched, it’s not only luscious to look at its yearning to be fully appreciated.

Her body, not just Female sexuality more than just lingerie her vagina, needs to be penetrated with attention.

Anything else leaves her uninterested in sex and sometimes uninterested in her partner. It will also leave her more over emotional, critical even bitter; or cold, withdrawn and unapproachable.

A lack of touch makes her more interested in being with her kids where some of these needs for physical and emotional (not sexual) intimacy get met.

The interesting thing is that these people aren’t lacking in intelligence.

They’re smart, caring, creative and competent so it’s not that they aren’t capable of touching it’s just that they literally don’t know the importance.

And they’re not alone.

Why DON’T men touch?

Of course many men do touch, we’re looking here at the ones who don’t yet.

Survival of the species

A guy’s primal drive in sex, as it is in his life, is to produce.

To get to his goal as fast and as efficiently as possible. His primal urge to “get there” can override everything else in his pathway, leading him to ignore anything he perceives as distracting along the way.

And at its most basic level a woman’s pleasure, or anything beyond the perceived openness of her vagina, is not required for man to achieve his primal objective.

This is not an excuse but it is part of the reason behind a guy’s blindness in bed.

We’ve moved on from sex being merely about the survival of the species.

We’re now capable of sustained physical pleasure, emotional closeness and intimacy in sex, closeness and intimacy that men, given the opportunity, will admit they crave as much as women.

They just don’t know how to go about it, and the complexity of a woman’s body can be overwhelming.

Part of it is that men lack the quality information that can teach them.

Nowhere to learn from

Men have little opportunity to learn from others in their environment.

Open, honest conversations about sex and how it happens are as rare as hen’s teeth and mostly what we hear is disinformation about sex that perpetuates the stereotypes we labour under.

It’s one of the things we most love about our work- making these kinds of conversations possible.

Of course, pornography is the master of disinformation about sex- about truly satisfying sex at least.

Porn is great for titillation and getting us to the end point but terrible at showing us how to make the most of the bit in between.

Porn shows men penetrating women increasingly without any kind of touching beforehand and mistakenly portrays the women screaming in pleasure from the mere act of having a cock inside her.

Porn is teaching women too that she doesn’t need to be touched. A woman’s body doesn’t work that way.

Except on the occasions she is really hot with all systems firing and there’s usually reasons behind this other than just the immanent sex.

Cultural conditioning

Men grow up in the bullshit culture of how men should be big, strong and tough, not sensitive or ‘girly’, primed for fighting rather than loving, leaving them numb in their bodies and less sensitive to touch than they’re capable of.

Believe us guys, the more sensitive you become (without losing yourself) the more powerfully masculine you become where it counts- in the lingam (cock) and in the heart.

Men often grow up in an environment where touching, even non sexual touching wasn’t a normal part of daily life for them.

Such as hanging out on the couch together, having hugs, being held when they’re sad or even being kissed goodnight at bedtime.

It can be true for women as well. This kind of touch may even have been shamed.

Growing up with a lack of touch makes it difficult to know what it feels like and what its benefits are.

Performance based touch

When men do take the time to become good at touching a woman they’re unfortunately taught to “turn her on”.

As Leonard Cohen so powerfully sang “I didn’t know how to feel so I learned how to touch”.

A man can even believe he knows how to touch so well that his woman ‘should’ like it, no matter what.

This external touch can leave a woman feeling pressured to perform in order to validate his skill and feeling manipulated rather than fulfilled no matter how pleasure she has.

It limits the connection possible in truly intimate lovemaking.

Men also carry shame about their sexual needs and often have anger towards women who as they see it, don’t provide for their needs.

This leaves them resentful about having to “give” touch in return.

Men haven’t been taught how to take responsibility for their own sexual needs and having unsatisfying sexual relationships makes this worse.

Not knowing what is possible

And finally it’s just that most people don’t know what is possible in sex, beyond having a “genital sneeze” type orgasm.

In the rush for the mechanics the intimacy in sex is lost. In relationship sex in the absence of intimacy much of the pleasure is lost.

And why do women accept it?

A woman is primally driven to open and receive in sex.

This leaves her without a voice to ask for what it is that she needs for her own arousal and continues to happen despite the growth in women’s liberation elsewhere in life.

It leaves her lover in the dark operating on instinct leaving her to just “go along” and hope that it’s over soon.

Woman’s strength has been in her capacity to endure rather than her ability to speak up.

She knows intuitively there is more but she is at a loss in how to create it, and with today’s orgasm performance based sex so much the norm she can even doubt her instincts.

So how DO you touch a woman in sex?

Begin getting into your own body first so she can feel you.

By touching her outside the bedroom to help her get into her feeling body too- not groping, just relaxed touch without an agenda.

Then by asking her.

Ask questions to make sure you understand her fully.

Dropping any expectations of a result, just enjoy each moment.

Don’t be afraid to ask for feedback as you touch her, not from a place of insecurity but from caring- would you like it slower/faster/softer/firmer/to the right/left etc.

And keep asking. She will love you for it.

If she really doesn’t know, start with kissing her a lot.

Then follow the basic idea of imagining she has a bikini on and touching her everywhere else but under her bikini.

Particularly the back of her neck, her head and her hair, her breasts (all of them not just her nipples), over her heart, her lower back, buttocks and inner thighs. For more see Tantric Touch

Once you arrive at her genitals (or yoni as we like to call it which means sacred space) take the same approach- touch from the outside in- pubic mound, outer labia, perineum, inner labia, clitoris, entrance to her vagina, gspot and aspots (at cervix).

If she’s liking it do more of it, at the same speed or keep coming back to it.

Touch her from a place of exploration rather than performance.

Breathe and invite her to breathe with you.

And women, ask for it. And love touching yourself too so he’ll want to join you.

Make it a team effort.

She will love you for it and so will you.

Best Ever Relationship Tool!

December 6, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

It’s breathing!

You’ve probably never thought about breathing as a relationship tool, but it is a powerful one.

Not to mention all the benefits breathing has to offer you as an individual, apart from the obvious one of keeping you alive!

Breathing In is the first thing we do when we’re born. Woman breastfeeding

Breathing out is the last thing we do before we die.

And the way we breathe in between not only keeps us alive, it has a significant impact on our quality of life in between…

Maybe you’ve noticed how your breath changes depending on how you feel: short and shallow when you’re stressed, deeper and slower when you’re relaxed. Your breath changes when you yawn, sigh, cry or laugh. Not only that but you can change how you feel by actively changing your breath.

We invite you to fall in love with breathing…

This alone will change your relationship! And the exciting thing about quality breathing is that it’s effects are cumulative- the more you do it the quicker and more longer lasting the impact.

From a relationship point of view breathing can:

Awareness of our breathing connects us to ourselves. This is a good thing as the more we’re connected to ourselves the more we have to share with another.
Deep breathing helps us get relaxed, present and grounded, making it easier for us to know what to say and to hear what our significant other is really saying!
Help move emotions through our bodies, avoiding stuckness and mental drama. The more we breathe the more we feel, release and shift.
Increase access to our intuitive wisdom and our heart’s truth as well as bring mental clarity.
Accelerated breathing increases our sexual pleasure, deep slow breathing spreads it through our bodies, producing altered states and even spiritual experiences!

Research shows that breathing does a lot more too!

Amongst other things breathing:

Decreases stress and promotes relaxation
Helps to decrease anxiety and depression
Increases happiness and optimism
Increases self awareness
Improves focus and concentration
Improves sleep
Strengthens our ability to regulate our emotions
Improves symptoms of trauma
Reduces impulsivity, cravings and addictions
Decreases stress and regulates our body’s level of cortisol, the stress hormone
Strengthens our immunity by altering the genes responsible for them
Reduces pain and activation of the pain centres in the brain
Improves digestion
Oxygenates muscles for better function
Detoxifies and releases toxins, removes carbon dioxide from the blood, replacing it with oxygen

Someone who is less stressed and depressed, more aware, happier, thinks clearer, sleeps well, regulates their emotions, isn’t ruled by addictions, stress or pain with a healthy tummy and fitter body would be much easier to be in relationship with, don’t you agree?

So take a pause and breathe…

Breathing mindfully can also help your relationship by helping you become less reactive. Can you imagine if instead of saying something mean, you were able to mentally step back and chill before talking? Wouldn’t that be nice? If the state of your mind affects the breath the reverse is true as well and here’s how it can help your relationship. The next time you’re arguing with your partner try taking longer, deeper breaths. Notice how that can quickly reduce anger and connect us with ourselves, allow us to look at the situation from a new perspective.

And last but not least breathing is a natural aphrodisiac

It helps us be more present with our lovers and will not only spread your pleasure into a more full bodied experience whilst increasing the intensity of your orgasm and build sexual stamina.

Falling in love with your breath will help you fall deeper and stay in love with your partner, with yourself and with life!

Breathing Activity:

An optimal breath comes by breathing deeply in through your nose into your belly, allowing your belly to fill, expanding up into your chest and exhaling through a slightly open mouth.

Try practicing breathing (mindfully) as often as you can remember.

Put up little notes around the house, at your computer, on your dashboard, in your meditation, when you exercise, getting ready for sleep, helping you wake up, put a breathing reminder app on our phone, anywhere and everywhere…

Go To Hot Relationship Topics

Sex After 50: The Delicious Years

November 23, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that sex after 50 needs to be a distant memory!

Many studies have shown that humans are interested in sex well into their 80’s, it’s just in our youth obsessed culture we ignore this intriguing possibility…

Sex changes as we get older, and that’s all because if we change with it, sex will become even better as we get older…

At 57 years of age, whenever I’ve had sex and I look in the mirror I think “Wow, you’re looking great!” My eyes are huge and luminous, my skin radiant, my body relaxed and sensually alive. I not only look good, I feel pretty good too.

Even though I have to admit my libido is not what it used to be. It very much comes and goes.

But what IS always there is what I call the ‘grown up’ factor. This is the part of me that recognizes even if I don’t ‘feel horny’ at the thought of sex, I always have the choice to make it happen.

Getting Into The Driver’s Seat

This is the difference between having sexual desire driving me, and me driving my sexual desire. This is the difference between hormonal driven ‘youthful sex’ and the choice driven sex that can happen once the hormonal flush is over.

Part of me, and of most people I speak to, still longs for the effortless ‘horniness’ that allows sex to ‘just happen’. I liken it to the part of me that sometimes longs for someone bigger than me to take charge, someone that will cook dinner when I come home late or will come up with a sensational new idea I’m after. It’s that part of me not willing to take full responsibility.

Once I recognize what is going on I can drop it. For of course, I can take charge in my own life and want to do so.

Saying YES to Sex!

This is what happens with our sex lives. As we move out of hormonal driven desires we need to take responsibility for what we can create in our sex lives. WE need to say YES to sex before it will say YES to us.

When we do say YES, our sex drive will show up even better than before. To want the many benefits sex can bring. (see benefits of sex article)

When we say to our partners “I would really like to make love with you tonight” and remember delicious times from the past and have an open mind about what can be created right now great things can happen.

Rather than sex being a rush to orgasmic relief, each moment can be a choice to feel, to breathe, to be fully in our bodies, fully in the moment, to be present to the opportunities arising.

To start by just holding each other and relaxing.

To drop any agendas about what sex ‘should’ look like and go with what is.

To be willing to take your time.

Breathe and pc squeeze.

To love wanting the feel of aliveness and connection inside us that great lovemaking can bring.

To be right here now.

To be willing to trust that desire will arise given an atmosphere of trust and understanding.

Confident enough to be intimate, vulnerable and open.

With more of ourselves to reveal than ever before.

Less drive, more skill and so much more to discover!

If you would like some support to upgrade your lovemaking skills to make the most of getting older sex contact us about an Ultimate Couples Getaway, a chance for you to chill out in a beautiful beach or rainforest location whilst your very own bedroom specialists come right to your very door and respectfully (clothes on) lead the way!

Sex: Just How Good Is It For You?

November 23, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

The benefits of sex extend well beyond the bedroom.

Here we outline a few of them:

So you can enjoy the experience even more, whilst knowing you’re doing something good for yourself.
And if you’ve been finding more reasons not to go there recently here’s a few reasons to turn yourself back on to the advantages of a little nookie…

Sex is not only pleasurable, do you know just how good it is for you? The benefits range from reducing your stress levels to lowering your risk of cancer and heart attacks. Sex facilitates bonding and feelings of intimacy that do more than just make you feel good, they actually reduce anxiety and boost your overall health and wellbeing. Let’s explore the perks more fully.

Fewer Sick Days with a Higher Libido?

Studies comparing those sexually active with those who aren’t say that more sex equals fewer sick days by boosting your immune system. So the next time you’re feeling a cold coming on as well as reaching for the Vitamin C and heading to bed early reach for your partner (or your own genitals) and get some feel good vibes going in your body.

Having sex also boosts your libido and your sexual desire. It reminds your body just how good it can feel and makes it want more. So if it’s been a while for you don’t stress about it just get started and believe it will get even better as you practice more.

Your Pelvic Floor

You can improve your bladder and erection control by having regular sex and orgasms as they strengthen and tone your pelvic floor muscles. Your pelvic floor muscles not only promote continence and erectile function they’re also a pleasure generator. As the more you squeeze, the more you stimulate the well of sexual energy that lives in your pelvic bowl! You don’t need to squeeze hard just regularly.

Heart Disease and Cancer

Lowering your risk of heart disease might seem a distant reason to have sex but can you think of a more important one? Sex helps not only keep you physically active it helps balance your hormones, lowers your blood pressure and your stress levels. Sex gets you active and burns calories too. It cannot replace your gym workout or your morning walk but it is a nice way to get some extra physical activity and much more effective than vegging out on the couch!

Sex can also reduce the risk of prostate cancer and improve vaginal health post menopause. Men who ejaculated more frequently than those who didn’t were shown to have a lower risk of prostate cancer than those who didn’t. We would add that including prostate massage (massaging the area between the balls and the anus, or internally on the prostate itself) in your love play is even better than overly focussing on ejaculation. Prostate massage helps spread sexual energy through the body rather than just releasing it through ejaculation. Having sex helps to balance your hormones, increase the blood flow, elasticity and lubrication of your vaginal walls sex is an important addition to your menopause management (whilst boosting your libido along the way).

Pain Reliever & Sleep Promoter

Got a headache? It might be a reason to actually have sex (or masturbate) rather than avoid it! Sexual stimulation has been shown to help keep pain at bay by blocking your brain’s pain signals and increasing your pain threshold. It may be the last thing you feel like when you start, but the end result can be worth it. Masturbating can be a great aid to weight loss too, getting you through that crucial moment of need…

Can’t sleep? Rather than tossing and turning start stroking your body and relaxing instead by waking up those delicious feelings in your body. Focus on breathing into them and feel the restlessness leaving. If you can’t turn your brain off imagine it filling up with cotton wool instead- it really works! Whether you orgasm or not you’ll soon be smiling and ready for sleep.

We all know this one…

Sex is also well known to be a great stress reliever. And not just because of the release of orgasm/ejaculation. The touching and hugging in sexual intimacy promotes the release of feel good hormones, reducing anxiety and promoting overall wellbeing. Sexual arousal releases feel good endorphins and other chemicals in the brain that stimulate your pleasure and reward systems. If you practice Tantric Sex, which is all about relaxation at the beginning, rather than just at the end, then filling yourself with life sustaining sexual energy, sex becomes even more stress relieving.

Studies show that those well bonded to their partners are happier and healthier. With humans being such social creatures, our close and loving connections with others boosts our overall health and wellbeing. The range of endorphins released in sex (whether by yourself or with another) act as natural anti depressants. Whilst improving your intimacy and closeness through hugging, cuddling and slow, sensual sex stimulates the release of the love hormone oxytocin, building feelings of love, trust, generosity and bonding. So whilst hot and hard may be how sex is most often portrayed, slowing down and really getting connected has even more to offer.

Look Better and Get Smarter!

Believe it or not sex can even help you look younger. In one study, judges viewed participants through a one way mirror and guessed the ages of those having sex 4 times per week as 7-12 years younger than they actually were. Sex keeps your skin younger looking, your eyes brighter and your hair shinier. So toss out the expensive beauty creams and get sexy instead!

And lastly, if you need any more convincing, sex also boosts your brainpower. Researchers specializing in human pleasure (what great career!) have determined that “Mental exercises increase brain activity but only in relatively localized regions, orgasms activates the whole”. Barry Komisaruk, PhD, Psychology, Rutgers University, US in July 2011. We see this means sex is also an opportunity to become more self aware. Using that heightened brain power to look in at yourself in your open, expanded state invites more self insight than most other life situations. This gives you permission to ditch the crosswords and Google search and go for the powers of pleasure instead!

As you can see, the benefits of sex are huge, and whilst we don’t say they outweigh the importance of a healthy lifestyle we do believe that sex plays a vital role in our overall health and happiness, whether it’s sex with your partner or with yourself…

And you’d like to learn some more ways to clear the blockages that lead to the good stuff in your relationship email us here or come along to our next event.

Relationship Healing Experience

October 1, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

This is the story of Mark & Jenny’s relationship healing

Mark & Jenny were a couple who sort of believed they still loved each other.
But their daily reality wasn’t bearing that out.

Read how they moved form disconnection, anger and uncertainty into something new and rewarding.

Their story is one unique version of the many couples who come to us from across Australia and overseas for one of our individually focussed Ultimate Couples Getaways. It’s a story of relationship healing…

This is Mark

Mark was working long hours, successful in his business but paying for it through the stress he carried, stress that lead him to slump down in front of the TV at night, with a ‘leave me alone’ wall emanating from him. Which was better than the nights he had to take his anger out on Jenny by picking a fight with her. He wondered if he might be a bit depressed, but this thought was too hard to deal with so he avoided it. He did worry about his almost non existent libido, but didn’t know what to do about it. Mark felt very much in charge at work but when it came to the bedroom he didn’t have the answers and was scared to look. He dealt with his fear by being angry and keeping Jenny at a distance.

This is Jenny

Jenny was a very loving, passionate woman. She longed for more lovemaking in her relationship but she was scared of Mark’s anger and found it impossible to breach his unavailability. Feeling powerless, she carried a lot of frustration about the lack of passion in her relationship, as well as the lack of intimacy that stemmed from it. So much so that she had a luscious affair a few months ago, that ended when her lover ran away from her emotional intensity. This left Jenny even more angry and now feeling guilty as well. She’d was having therapy that helped her feel more normal and less guilty but left her still burdened with a deeper level of ongoing frustration.

Persistence Pays

Jenny urged Mark to consider coming to counselling with her. He was very resistant to the idea of exposing his vulnerabilities to a complete stranger and kept saying no. Jenny kept looking for an answer. She wanted to feel connected with Mark again and have a real relationship, not just go through the motions and look for real intimacy outside of it. Especially after their youngest son, Trent, left home at the end of the year leaving Mark and Jenny alone in the house.

Eventually Jenny found Oztantra’s Ultimate Couples Getaways and spoke to Annette and Graeme about their approach to relationship counselling. Amazed at even being able to speak to them upfront at no cost, Jenny sensed that here were two people who might have the solution she was desperate for. Otherwise it felt like the end of the road for her in her relationship with Mark. Annette and Graeme got right to the point of where she was at and what she wanted, whilst being relaxed and approachable. Jenny felt hopeful.

Something New

Mark agreed to speak to these guys because he could do it from home with minimal commitment from himself. Somehow, speaking to Annette and Graeme felt more like a conversation than any kind of therapy. Yes, a couple of the ideas they brought up were a bit confronting, but in his gut he knew that there was something in it he could trust.

His gut instinct also told him he could trust these two, especially as they could help him laugh about some of his biggest fears without him even having to mention them.

A Good Start

So Mark and Jenny booked a flight to Byron Bay and spent five days having both a holiday in relaxed and sunny Lennox Head, just 15 minutes south of Byron. They didn’t need a car, everything they wished for was in walking distance from their accommodation, including an abundance of great cafes, succulent fresh fish, daily walks and swims, even a local yoga class.

In a relaxed manner Annette & Graeme met them for a coffee even before the sessions started, just to get further acquainted and comfortable with the process. Mark and Jenny were able to choose the time of their sessions to fit in with their desires, with available follow up at a moment’s notice for no extra cost. It still didn’t feel like therapy.

New Pathways

The next day they had their first session – a total of 3 hrs, that went by very fast. Annette & Graeme were able to present a framework of ideas that showed them they weren’t broken and they weren’t alone. What’s more, they saw that what they’d thought were problems were actually pathways to what they both wanted.

Jenny had her beliefs about her sexuality validated. It wasn’t that she was needy or demanding, more that she was following her body’s intuition about the importance of sex for her as part of her vitality and life force, her very survival. In fact, she had felt like she was dying (or crazy) having to shut it down when sex was unavailable. She learned new ways to nurture her sexuality outside of sex that gave her a new lust for life itself.

Mark learned that whilst his libido might not be what it once was there was a whole new place in sex waiting for him that was as good as, if not better that what had gone before. And a big part of it was about him taking the time to look after himself, to relax and not see sex merely as another job he had to ‘perform’ at when he was exhausted. He found a new way to view sex as revitalizing.

Opening the Floodgates

This helped them begin to feel excited once more about their relationship. They also learned some powerful ways to communicate and feel heard about the things that were most important to them. They found so much to talk about, other than the kids and work, which had been the mainstay of their conversations for many years. Mark and Jenny started to really see each other as unique individuals, rather than a source of pain and suffering which helped them trust one another again. This opened the floodgates of desire.

Going deeper they not only recognized where some of their patterns of behaviour came from, they also learned how to get underneath the stories that kept them trapped and hurting to the love underneath. Building on the newfound love Mark and Jenny learned some simple but amazing lovemaking techniques that increased both their intimacy and pleasure. Jenny felt met by Mark in lovemaking as never before. Mark felt freer and more inspired in sex than he had for a long time. They practiced these in the privacy of their accommodation.

Not only this, but it seemed like both their relationship and themselves had healed at a very deep level that was beyond words. They felt seen, held and met by Annette & Graeme in a subtle and powerful way, connecting them to strengths they’d never dreamed they had. And surprisingly there were many healing laughs along the way.

An Excited Beginning

Mark and Jenny felt like they had found a new beginning and couldn’t wait to get started. To help integrate the new changes at home because it takes more than just a few days to change life long patterns, Annette and Graeme offered a follow up Skype session at home, included in the cost.

Even though the couple worked very hard and faced some very challenging things it felt more like an adventure than therapy, with Annette and Graeme riding side saddle beside them.

If you’re looking for your own relationship adventure contact Graeme and Annette today about an Ultimate Couples Getaway on 1800 TANTRA

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