What has happened to really good sex …?
Why is good wholesome sex disappearing?
In 2014 the Australian National Survey of sexual activity reported heterosexual couples were having sex 1.4 times per week down from 1.8 times 10 years earlier and with the increase in life stresses that figure is likely still decreasing.
And here, I am not referring to just sex, but good sex, even great sex- the ultimate and intimately connected heart opening lovemaking that given the chance we all desire.
I am referring to unique intimate open hearted connected sex that binds relationships together
So what is happening out there…?
I am writing this from my perspective as a man, a specialist who works with other men, mostly in couples.
I find that most men are simply not aware of their own sexual capabilities, as modern day discussions, teachings or learnings about male sexuality are practically non existent, and if they are, mostly, are below the radar…
Sadly, because of his lack of self awareness, the vast majority of men only achieve a very small percentage of their capacity for intimate pleasure from sex, and my guess is that this capacity is somewhere about 10%, with most men experiencing less than that.
Most men strive to be a better lover by learning better techniques for their partners but this is not where his deepest capacity lies, and these techniques usually are short lived only adding more to his confusion.
Women are crying out to be met, held and well loved by their partner, and men really want to go there, yet masculine role models who can portray this are very thin on the ground.
Men are Multi Orgasmic
I am referring to the little known fact that all men are capable of full bodied sexual pleasure, of being multi orgasmic, in the way that men envy in their partners.
And that male ejaculation and orgasm are two separate functions, simply because they happen at the same time, most men believe they are the same thing.
They are definitely not.
Most men go through their lives believing they are having an orgasm, when they are just ejaculating, and even though that feels pleasurable, there is very little of the awesome orgasmic pleasure that men are capable of.
Multi orgasmic skills are rare and truly heart opening
In relationship, multi orgasmic skills are a potent fuel that drives man’s unique masculine depth, a depth, strength and confidence found in open hearted and loving connection with himself and with his partner.
Any man who takes the time to discover this awesome potential in himself, will unlock something deep inside him that will change him for ever.
Any man who does go down this pathway will soon discover that his connection with his own intimate and loving heart will also be greatly enhanced in this place of more intense pleasure.
Loving Relationship is the ideal container for both men and women
The more any man can access and feel his true pleasure will directly magnify his connection with his own heart, and ask any woman how she feels about experiencing this in her intimate relationship..?
This amazing aspect is in every man and is much more than just sex, it is achieving and living from his awesome masculine heart centred self empowerment, this part of every man that his partner desires.
This is what we call Couples Tantra
Masculine Open Hearted Sex is Life Changing
Masculine pleasure, the other available 90% is fuelled by his open heart in his loving connection with his partner.
When I talk about having an open heart here I am not referring to being romantic or focussing on giving more.
I am specifically referring to a man’s connection with himself in his heart and meeting his partner from this deep place in him, a place that is being butchered by modern life.
This aspect of man is what a woman craves to feel, to be held in and to feel safe with.
Women desire to feel nurtured, loved, which holds her safe for her to fully surrender, not to him but to herself.
Distressingly, I am witnessing more men as they get older, as a result of this lack of knowledge and understanding about themselves, simply giving up in sex.
Their partners lose interest as well, as what they are longing for doesn’t happen.
Couples don’t always know what is missing, they only know their really good sex has disappeared and usually blame each other, long term commitment and even accept this as normal in long term relationships.
This couldn’t be further from the truth, as we have seen time and time again, couples who desire and seek more from their intimate connection achieve what they are after, which is way beyond anything they can achieve as singles.
Check out our blog page for dozens of articles on this and related topics
Men, regardless of age are also dealing with more issues during sex than ever before, and the scary thing is their acceptance that sex may be over for them.
Men are giving up, or the death of sex, is also the result of a much larger and deeper problem facing men, and regularly we hear women commenting on this phenomenon from their perspective, their frustrations, anger and their deep sadness of loneliness.
Men Suffer From a Lack Healthy role Models
Men are struggling with the obvious and shaming side effects of political correctness, aggressive feminist or anti male movements but particularly a lack of healthy masculine role models, especially during the challenging years of developing adulthood.
Men are also victims of the cold hard edged patriarchal dominant system that encourages them to work long and hard hours to make money to buy stuff.
Men of all ages lack healthy masculine role models who are prepared to stand up for themselves and others in this crazy world of political correctness and male bashing.
Men Are Lost
In this climate, men are lost, struggling and warning signs are definitely there, such as the disastrously high male suicide rate.
Another obvious example of the side effects of this problem, is men withdrawing from important and essential roles, such as school teachers, dropping from 19% in 2014 to 14% 4 years later.
It is now unusual for students having male influences during their schooling.
I can quote a close friend who recently resigned from school teaching and became a prison warden, who says he now feels much safer and protected working in prison compared with feeling unsupported while dealing with well informed and manipulative young female students.
During my experience in working with men and their sexuality, I continually encounter outwardly appearing successful men who have collapsed inside.
Loss of Connection With His sexuality
A common first indicator is their loss of connection and trust in their sexuality, and mostly because they had little, if any real knowledge in the first place.
They are surprised when I describe to them what a healthy sexual male can be and how they can achieve this for themselves.
During these conversations, especially when their partners are present, their woman’s validation will often bring tears to his eyes.
Women Are Desperate
Women are desperate for their man to discover, connect with and stand up in this amazing and life changing aspect of masculinity, which is our foundation belief of what couples Tantra is about.
The flip side of this issue of the death of sex, is women not getting the quality sex they desire either, and in relationship, unless it is talked about, will slowly wither and die.
What Does A Masculine Role Model Look Like..
A masculine role model is a man who completely owns his sexuality, is passionate in being male and quietly gets on with his life, a man who has confronted his demons and is at peace with who he is.
This loss of healthy sexual masculinity is the death of sex, the death of really good, loving, life giving, life changing heart open connection.
The daily news is full of examples of men who have been or still are bringing shame on masculinity.
The actions of these few men, a very small minority, impacts indirectly on all men, especially when phrases like “toxic masculinity” are used as a blanket statement to make a point,
The Shaming of Men
The shaming of men has become widespread and quite covert, such as telling a man that he “thinks with his dick” , which is not only abusive, but deeply shaming as well.
These simple few shaming words wound this very deep and sensitive heart connected and loving part of him, similar to shaming a woman for being emotional.
Any man (or woman) who is continually shamed this way will generally and gradually close down their heart and eventually loose interest in sex.
Closing down doesn’t mean he stops feeling, it simply means he will suppress these powerful emotions, which is very similar to sealing a lid on a boiling pot full of water, with the same and predictable outcome.
When a Man Closes His Heart
When a man chooses, willingly or unwillingly, to shut down after having his sexuality shamed will automatically and unconsciously close his heart.
In our work at Oztantra, we have seen many men and their partners respond to our emotional roadmap, (also in our newly released book..) that we have created and used ourselves in how to deal with and manage emotions, especially in creating and sharing a healthy sex life.
Really good sex for men is heart opening, emotionally validating and intensely satisfying, and a real game changer in any relationship.
Shaming masculine sexuality does shut down this beautiful and powerful heart aspect of any man, with his end result being a hardened and less fulfilling life and relationship without intimate loving heart connection.
What Do Women Desire From Their Man
This beautiful and also powerful aspect of masculinity is what woman desire’s to feel loved, nurtured and safe, and is what man brings in his clear masculine self into his life, relationship and wider community.
Shaming and abusing this part of masculinity, I believe creates frustration, pain and hurt and is behind most male social issues.
This pain and shame is happening right now, is widespread and deeply embedded in our social fabric, and becomes more apparent when viewed from this different perspective.
I believe the real issue is not about “toxic” masculinity, but the lack of healthy masculinity in our community, 14% of teachers are male and this number is still declining.
The death of sex is an indirect bi product of the ugly trend of shaming masculinity.
And yet, how many men understand how life changing really good sex can be, and what could their lives be like if they did have a healthy sexual connection with themselves and their partner.
Men Can Easily Learn These Skills
Men who have taken the time to learn and understand their sexual selves by learning Tantra, are amazed when they learn what they are capable of in their intimate lovemaking.
I believe, generally speaking, that women are more curious about exploring their own sexuality and do understand this concept of searching better than men.
Most men resist this concept because have no real frame work in understanding or comprehending the true meaning of this in built life changing power of their sexuality, especially when they are constantly bombarded with so much negativity and shaming.
Boys becoming men face constant confusion when sex is displayed as a commodity shamelessly used to sell anything from ice cream to tractors.
Throw in ease and convenience of finger tip access to porn and romance products, like “chick flicks” and no wonder many young adults feel confused and lost with limited understanding in what really good sex is, and having even less idea on how to create it in their lives.
Sex Education And Religion
Sex education teaches biological facts, with most religions espousing their own unique and again different angle leaving young people confused, yet still curious about their feeling intensity.
Unfortunately, most fall back on porn as their introduction and main teaching aid of choice, which further magnifies the death of good sex.
Because of the impact and proliferation of easy access to porn, I believe we are witnessing the beginning of real deep social issues in the not to distant future, as already GP’s are dealing with injuries inflicted by attempting copying porn.
Tantra is a healthy way of beating porn addiction
Our Book “Coming Together” is a safe, convenient and easy way to commence your learning and understanding of how awesome and loving our sexual bodies are…
I believe young people generally, are closer and more connected with their feelings than what most parents realise, they simply haven’t had enough of the conditioned life exposure to numb them down yet.
Especially with something as powerful as sexual energy coursing through their veins, they will pursue their curiosity around sex and unfortunately, usually with porn.
There is very little quality teaching material available that is easy to understand and can actually make sense in unraveling the secret codes and mysteries of really good sex, or the true meaning of making love.
Parents Mostly Don’t Know or Don’t Want to
Especially so, if parents are also caught up in their own unknowingly limited experience and predicament.
It is much easier for parents to not go there, to deny their own lack of understanding or even in most cases, to be blissfully unaware of what they don’t know.
The actual cost of the death of good sex is any body’s guess, and is usually a common issue in many relationship breakdowns.
In our work, we have witnessed many couples come back from or even from over the brink of relationship breakdown into something amazing together.
Good Sex Doesn’t Have a Use By Date
The art of making love, or learning Tantra is definitely a life and relationship changing mission, and is definitely worth the effort which actually gets better as we get older.
Age is no limitation in this world…
Healthy relationship is the ideal container for men (and women) to discover their sexuality, as sex is infinitely more powerful and life changing when it is played together.
Discovering and learning good sex is learning and understanding tantra, specifically couples focused tantra,(check out our Couples Retreats), and your relationship is the already the ideal container for this to emerge.
It only takes desire to learn, even with your existing relationship skills and you will soon begin to understand how life changing really good sex can be.
Our Book “Coming Together” is now available, and is a safe, convenient and easy way to commence your learning and understanding of how awesome our bodies are, and if you are curious about sessions, workshops, intimate getaways or retreats, we are easy to contact …
1800 TANTRA or 0457 966 696, snapchat or Email us to discuss your needs in a format and at a time that suits you…
