The Power of Reverse Polarity-
Where Men bring Heart and Women bring Sex into a relationship.
A couple come to see us, they are disconnected and hurting.
She is fed up with years of his insensitive attempts at sex and wants something more ‘intimate’ and ‘meaningful’, the way she believes sex ‘should’ be.
He is bored with being told he is ’doing it wrong’ all the time yet still hopefully nudges her in the back with his morning erection.
She is both rightly protecting herself from further hurt and yet is scared and somehow guilty at the emotional distance between them.
He is feeling rejected, shamed and lost, ready to give up.
Most people struggle when they hit this point, because in the early days of relationship when both sex and love are in abundance, this issue has not yet emerged.
But as the effortlessness of new relationship fades this stereotypical view becomes a limitation, and at its worst it can become a nightmare.
This is because it puts the power of desire in relationship outside of ourselves.
They don’t yet know about reverse polarity.
What they’re acting out is a very common relationship scenario- based on the stereotypical belief about heterosexual relationship that most of us are conditioned to believe, that men want sex and women want love, and that men are responsible for sex and women are the keepers of the heart space.
We choose to see it from the other way around: in relationship it is men who bring heart and women who bring sex, and each desiring what the other provides.
This is Reverse Polarity in Relationship.
If your struggling to grasp this concept, ask your self these 3 simple questions ;
1. What happens when women say “no” to sex ?
2. What do you feel when men close their heart or are disconnected from you ?
3. What is it you desire to feel from your partner ?
The power trap
Where the man is left seeking what a woman controls – sex, for she has the ultimate veto rights to the sex in relationship, if she says no there is not much he can do about it.
And the man brings into relationship what his woman most desires, which is his open hearted intimacy and his capacity for deep seated heart based loving.
This can can fall away or close down in the post romantic period of courtship, no matter how much she nags him.
Rejection, abandonment and betrayal.
This leaves both susceptible to the deepest wounds of relationship- rejection of our sexual advances, emotional distance or abandonment and a sense of betrayal at being denied what they signed up for.
This dynamic can of course happen the other way around with the woman desiring sex more often and the man feeling emotionally isolated (and sexually shut down). In same sex couples as the underlying premise is the same but it is strongest in a man-woman relationship as this is where the stereotype began.
It is a very painful place to live.
What happens in this place is some version of our previously mentioned couple, with both partners trying to micro manage each other to get their needs met, playing out that old saying “women fake orgasms and men fake relationships”.
Their reality is that the other person cannot satisfy their desire, that in denial becomes so strong it feels like a desperate need; two halves seeking the other to make one whole, then holding the other half responsible for their own needs not being met.
In this dynamic both are engaging from their perceived and socially conditioned strengths- men from sex and women from love.
Thus making it harder for men and women to see each other clearly, inviting negative judgments such as men are unfeeling, selfish sex maniacs and women are cold hearted, whinging witholders…
The answer is within
Instead of looking to our partner for the resolution of our hurt the solution is found in the reverse polarity: looking past the obvious and inside of ourselves for what is missing in the relationship, for it is inside of ourselves that we have both choice in and power over what we create.
The irony is that our finding inside ourselves what we need for wholeness ie. men opening their hearts and women embracing their sexuality can have our partner magically falling over themselves to offer us what we have so long desired. This embracing of ourselves confirms that healthy relationship is two whole people sharing their own wholeness with each other, rather than looking to the other to feel complete.
So what do we look inside of ourselves for?
Men- Your sexual heart connection
When a man owns and stands up in the power of his open heart and is heart connected in his sex he has become empowered in himself. He is no longer driven by his sexual desires as they become a conscious choice. He is able to step out of shame and make love, rather than ‘get off”. He no longer feels the need to ‘play the game’ to get his desires met, he can be his authentic self. He also has an ability to take life head on, no matter what it brings.
Sexual rejection is less painful because he no longer feels totally invalidated, he remains connected to himself, making it paradoxically less likely. He knows how to go fearlessly and deep into feeling, and into lovemaking, focussing on heart opening pleasure rather than performance. His depth, passion and safety will draw his woman close. His clarity may also piss her off as he will be less likely to tolerate her being less than who she is capable of being.
Women- Your heart sexual connection
When a woman owns the power of her sexuality and is unafraid to connect it to her heart she becomes empowered in herself. She is no longer driven by a need for intimacy outside of herself, it becomes a conscious choice. She is then able to step out of neediness and embrace pleasure and connection rather than be limited or controlled by it.
She no longer feels the need to give herself away in order to get her needs met, she can be her authentic self. Emotional abandonment is less painful as she no longer abandons and remains connected to herself in her vulnerability, making it paradoxically less likely.
She knows how to go willingly and joyously into pleasure, focussing on opening her heart to herself rather than getting it from her lover. Her radiance, juiciness and empowered surrender will draw her man close. It may also piss him off as she will no longer tolerate less than full presence in him. She also has an ability to stand up in life and be who she is, no matter what.
We see it over and over in working with couples:
When a man is deeply validated in his heart rather than told he needs to improve his performance he can truly open and step into relationship in a way that is literally beyond words, repeatedly bringing tears to the eye of those experiencing it. His heart exudes a love that has a tangible power far, far beyond romance and anything commonly seen or expressed about love in our current superficial society.
And in this place when a woman is supported and held in giving herself permission to own her heart connected sexuality she has a radiance, passion and well being that is a sight to behold and be around. Where she clearly expresses herself, nurtures both others and herself from a place of abundance and inner contentment rather than a need for love and approval.
We are aware that this idea of reverse polarity will challenge some who have their own idea of relationship, best discussed late at night over a glass of red… and that each relationship will have their own version of this very common power dynamic.
We also strongly believe it is an area worth exploring to discover your own core truth. It involves taking risks in being vulnerable but will also give you an unforgettable taste of what is possible.
Be part of the solution!
Much is being said these days of a quote from the Dalai Lama about the potential power of western women in changing the world. We believe the world is too complex for the answer to be that simple and see it will take equally open hearted men as well as equally empowered women.
Nb: This is an important dynamic for any relationship and is something that we teach and encourage in all our work. Our Couples retreat, V.I.P. sessions and Ultimate Couples Getaways create an opportunity for couples to experience and learn this, and is why we have an excellent success rate with our clients, regardless if their stepping back from the edge of separation, or are seeking something deeper with more connection.