What is Sexual Healing?
What comes to mind when you think of sexual healing?
Perhaps things like overcoming major sexual traumas like rape or sexual abuse.
Things that most of us don’t have to deal with.
But because sex is such a primal part of who we are as a species, sexual healing involves every single one of us at some level.
All of us will experience moments when our bodies don’t function sexually in the way we would like them to.
It might be a lack of sexual desire, a numb vagina that feels nothing or a painful vagina that feels way too much. It might be a short-lived erection, a limp penis instead of a hard one or an erection that lasts but takes you nowhere.
Each of these challenges result in painful feelings, moments of feeling like we’re missing out on what we’re entitled to, or of feeling not good enough.
We haven’t been taught how to deal with these situations.
We’re taught to have this perfect sexual fantasy in our heads and when the reality doesn’t stack up most of us can only run for the hills and then feel worse later on.
Luckily, Annette and Graeme have experienced all sorts of sexual challenges over the years (well, that’s kind of lucky!!)(and we’re kind of old) so we’ve learned first hand how to heal them. We’ve healed them in a way that means our sex life is getting better as we get older.
Most of the problems we come up against in sex have to do with what we’ve been taught about it.
The first thing we’ve learned about sex is that it is WRONG.
We’ve been taught this by our cultures, our religions and often our parents and others with messages such as “don’t touch yourself there, masturbation is a sin”, “Just say NO”, “good girls don’t”, or “sex is dirty, save it for the one you love”.
Right alongside these negative views are the expectations we have of how sex should look – from advertisements, romantic movies, from the porn industry and often from our peers. These inarguable sources all say that sex should be spontaneous and exciting, with mind blowing pleasure from lovers who are totally hot for us. And that it will all happen magically with very little effort on our part, every time.
The third thing we’ve learned about sex is that our bodies are machines, machines we can control with the power of our minds to push our bodies into doing what we want. So we have sexual performances rather than real, sexual experiences.
When we treat our bodies as machines over time they start to tense and harden, something called armouring. When armouring happens, we feel less. Then we usually try to push our bodies faster and harder in order to ‘feel’ something. We might use drugs to get things going, or we blame our partners and start avoiding sex all together. These actions only leave us with fears- fears that we cannot bring the excitement back.
Eventually our bodies will push back and say ‘sorry, I’m not going to play anymore’.
We make this dysfunction into a problem by making it wrong. But really, it’s just a message from our bodies forcing us to look a bit deeper at what’s going on for us sexually.
Our minds often don’t want to acknowledge these times when sex hasn’t worked, when we’ve overridden our natural desires and had performance sex, or where we’ve been hurt, unsatisfied, even shamed, abused.
Experiences like:
Being told sex is a sin and that we are dirty for wanting it
Being penetrated before we’ve been ready
Being told that all we think about is sex and we that need to get over it
Being left hanging whilst our lover has already gone over the edge
Saying yes to sex when we really wanted a cuddle
Being caught masturbating and shamed about it
Not being able to come
Having a lot of porn sex with hard pounding after little warm up
Being shamed about being a poor lover
Having a lot of sex for pleasure without allowing it to touch our hearts
Because our bodies want to heal these past experiences they will not let us get away with pretending or avoiding our hurts.
Sexual healing is about turning these moments of pain into moments of at first acceptance, then triumph.
Moments when we decide:
- we no longer need to have the light off to have sex
- we love our naked body enough to allow it to be seen
- we can openly talk about our sexual needs and desires
- we can masturbate or watch porn and not feel ashamed
- we can fulfil our deepest desires and fully let go in sexual pleasure
Each of these are not only moments of sexual healing, they’re moments of self love.
Because we’re saying a deep YES to ourselves.
This is where the power of sex and the power of love are united.
Not love as in romantic love, but love our partner can share in with us.
Love as in real, raw moments of vulnerable heart openness, that make us feel not only powerful, but lovable beyond measure.
Moments of ecstasy that lie beyond shame.
Where our bodies become more sensitive over time rather than less.
Where we can be highly sexual and highly loving at the same time.
Erotic yet heart open, without pretence.
Where we can feel equally safe and aroused without needing the naughty edge. Or where we can enjoy the naughtiness without the shame.
This is what makes sexual healing a journey of both love and surprises.
It is also why relationships are great places for sexual healing to happen, where there is the safety, trust and familiarity to go to this level. Or if these things aren’t there, exploring sexual healing can create them.
So how do we begin to heal our unresponsive or hurting bodies?
- Rather than make what is not happening wrong, accept it as it is. See it as your body trying to tell you something and listen to it. Decide to take ownership of your sexuality.
- Learn to breathe more deeply and fully in sex, because breathing helps you to relax and allows deeper pleasures to arise. Breathing also increases your sexual energy and literally brings life back into your body.
- Give yourself permission to feel all of your feelings, including your uncomfortable emotions, as all of your feelings, like your sexual pleasure, exist as energy in the body. Say NO to negative beliefs that try to limit your sexual freedom (whilst respecting your lovers’ boundaries), and keep saying no to them until they give up. Feel into the shame or other emotions that come with the beliefs and let them go on your breath.
- Say NO to negative beliefs that try to limit your sexual freedom (whilst respecting your lovers’ boundaries), and keep saying no to them until they give up. Feel into the shame or other emotions that come with the beliefs and let them go on your breath.
- Learn to say YES to pleasure no matter how you look or whether you believe you deserve it or not.
- Slow down and give yourself time. The slower you go (when you are breathing deeply) the more you will feel.
- If you feel nothing, don’t use your mind to try to fix it. Just wait, breathe and allow deeper feelings, often emotions first, to arise. Talk with your lover about what you find. Once you clear the emotion the sexual pleasure arises.
- If you have pain in sex, make sure you are using lots of lubrication. Never just tolerate pain, stop and address it. As well as using the above steps, allow yourself to breathe into the pain and allow it to release on your breath. Make the sound of the hurt, no matter what it sounds like. This helps clear the emotions that lies underneath it, allowing the pleasure to flow again and giving you insight into where the pain comes from.
- Allow your heart to help you heal. Take any hurts you feel into your heart and let your heart heal them for you. Feel the hurts with love.
- Say yes to your sexual energy by cultivating energy practices that work for you, so that you have a ready supply when you want to express them in the bedroom.
Nb. If you have experienced deeper sexual trauma that needs professional support we can help you find freedom from it.
Sexual Healing with Oztantra……..
Sexual Healing is a sacred and powerful healing for both men and women in healing long held and deep seated wounds in our sexual personality.
Both Annette and Graeme work in this highly specialised field, either separately or together with clients.
Not only are we fully aware of the benefits this type of healing can bring to an individual or relationship, but also of the integrity and clarity required to work in this field.
Read about Graeme’s journey
Benefits that may be experienced include reconnecting heart and sexuality, discovering your inner sense of self and greater self empowerment, moving beyond past hurts, removing blocks to more sexual pleasure, learning how to last longer, finding your Gspot and many more.
We are both experienced in dealing with deeply held trauma’s from sexual, emotional and physical abuse.
For women, we provide and hold a clear, safe and agenda free space that in itself is healing.
Providing a space for a woman to open to her self rather than to her healer. (read this article on how healing does not need to involve sexual touch…)
This is important for us as well, as we work hard to hold a space clear of personal needs and agenda’s.
For men, being met in this place in an open and respectful way is often a new experience and on many occasions a simple counselling session( and even by skype…) has achieved major shifts.
Men are met in this place in an honouring way, with out shame or agenda. Simply honouring the man in his sexuality is a new experience for most men.
In all our work, we teach these skills to couples to learn, experience and expand more of their sexuality together.
Our couples Retreat is an ideal way to learn these skills in a safe and held space, where you only work with each other.
Regardless of where you’re living, via our Online Tantric Relationship Course, you can access Oztantra’s skilled expertise from the security and convenience of your own home.
We also have much more information freely available on this website, plus podcasts, video’s and webinars. If you desire a conversation for more information about what may be possible for your own particular situation, please call or email either of us.
Skype sessions are an effective and convenient way to start your healing journey.
Graeme’s skype address … graeme.sudholz (or click the skype link on the right side of this page…)
Call us TOLL FREE 1800 TANTRA (826 872), email link
