Activities To Shift Your State
When you get stuck in your relationship (or in your life)…
When two unique individuals seeking to bond get together, its expected there are going to be tough spots. When you’re in one of these spots it can feel like a place of frustration, a ‘stuckness.’ No matter how much we desire stability in our relationships we have an equally strong drive for change and ease that makes this stuckness feel wrong.
This stuckness can be merely the boredom of over familiarity in the relationship itself. You might not be able to ‘make’ your partner be, or give you, what you need or desire. The stuckness can be about something in your own life separate to your relationship. Feeling stuck equals feeling powerless.
As creatures of habit what we usually do in our stuckness is to try harder at what we’ve already been doing- to nag, resent, annoy, detach or avoid, not surprisingly getting the same, or even worse results. As hard as it may feel at the time, taking ownership of your stuckness is what immediately gives you back your sense of self empowerment and self efficacy, allowing you to move through it.
This is where the art of state change comes in. Instead of trying to change your partner, or the situation, try changing your internal state of stuckness instead.
Creating internal change by shifting yourself into a different energetic state allows you to come back to your relationship (or your life) with fresh eyes. This is not done with the intention of avoiding your situation, or of letting your partner get away with unhealthy behaviour. It’s to support you in regaining connection with yourself, finding your power within, and at the same time gaining a new, often broader perspective. The shift in you will energetically impact on your partner. They will see and feel you being different, potentially creating a change in them as well, allowing you to respond to their behaviour from a clear place and create a more rewarding outcome.
During stressful situations we commonly change our state with less healthy things like electronic devices, junk food, smoking, alcohol, drugs, overworking, gossiping, dumping on the cat (unconscious anger). These drain your energy and make you unavailable for relationship. Try some of the following mind/body focussed suggestions instead that will energize you, ground and more easily bring you back to a state of openness.
Identify Your Current State
Using your ABC practice, identify what kind of state you’re currently in as this will help you identify what kind of activity will serve you best:
- Ungrounded > grounding meditation
- Disconnected from yourself or your partner > centreing meditation
- Lots of energy and just need something you can do with it > exercise
- Nil energy and want to find some > getting out in nature
- Emotional energy that needs releasing > journaling, dancing, exercise
- Fragility that needs nurturing > experiencing something beautiful
36 Simple State Changing Practices (or find your own)
Do these practices mindfully. Not only will they help change your state, they support your wellbeing.
- Breathing: deep and slow relaxes, short and fast energizes
- Shifting your energy by doing some kind of physical exercise- walking, jogging, bootcamp, cycling, yoga, heavy gardening, chopping wood, Osho’s active meditations are great. (download them free from osho.com)
- Safely expressing your anger with movement, breath and sound (See anger section)
- Getting out in nature- the local park, nearby bush, the back lawn in your barefeet, sitting on the ground with your back against a tree trunk or using your imagination to do so if your environment doesn’t allow this
- Hand it over to a higher power (whatever this means for you) and let it go
- Journalling/Free Writing- write what you feel without judgement
- Practising mindfulness
- Walking to your local cafe for a coffee
- Doing some housework or gardening
- Having a shower or bath
- Sitting in front of the TV or movie with the intention of chilling out (for a set time)
- Listening to relaxing, expressive or uplifting music
- Watching a movie that has meaning for you
- Doing familiar things in a new way
- Preparing yourself some nourishing, fresh food
- Using affirmations
- Putting on some aromatherapy
- Dancing freestyle to your favourite music
- Going for a swim
- Preparing and eating a nutritious meal
- Getting out and talking to someone new
- Self pleasuring
- Making Love
- Exercising whilst consciously releasing anger on your breath or through using your voice
- Getting professional help from a counsellor or coach
- Having a massage or exchanging one with a friend
- Snuggling up under a blanket, in the dark, maybe next to a candle and just being with yourself
- Sleeping alone
- Finding a place where you can feel totally safe and filling yourself up with it.
- Art, craft
- Do an act of service for someone, giving freely to another is a great heart opener
- Singing, playing music, chanting, sounds
- Creating a ritual for whatever is troubling you. Eg. light a candle, write a letter on your pain and release it by burning it
- Share your challenge with a friend or support group, just ask to be heard rather than seeking advice. Talk about yourself, using ‘I’ language, focussing on hearing and feeling yourself fully.
- Experiencing something beautiful- a sunset, a starry night sky, a church, flower, painting, a young child, even the amazing complexity of your own hand. Beauty can be very transformative.
Notice how you feel after changing your state.
- Did you receive any insights?
- Do you feel refreshed and ready for life and relationship again?
- Was it worth taking responsibility for yourself?