Try a Sex Lab Date and experiment…
And totally transform the way you see the power of consent.
I say: “Would you like …?”
And you reply “Yes, I would like…”
Consent achieved, that’s it.
Unfortunately, this covers only the surface of consent. It leaves both people missing out on their full “YESSSES!” in both giving and receiving.
Because most of us have a huge variety of reasons for wanting to give and receive, in any given moment. For saying yes to something, or for not saying no.
Giving can be for the other person, or for us.
Sometimes we’re giving to make the other person feel good.
Sometimes we’re giving to make ourselves feel good
The same is true for receiving.
Sometimes we’re allowing ourselves to receive because it’s making us feel good.
At others, we receive to let our partners feel good.
Each of these are good options, as long as both people are in agreement about what is happening.
Otherwise sneaky little hidden agendas about why we’re doing things can creep in and make it icky. Without us even being aware of it.
The thing is, the other person can usually tell that something is off, if our agenda is hidden. Even if they don’t know what exactly. Or the exchange just doesn’t feel good, even if on the surface it looks like it should.
Where we might think we’re giving, but actually we’re doing it for our own benefit and not owning it.
- For example, we might be lonely and we touch to connect, without knowing how the other person feels about it in that moment. Or we can be feeling insecure and want our partners to have an orgasm to make us feel good about ourselves.
- Or we might think we’re giving, but we’re really just passively allowing ourselves to be taken from. For example, when we’re saying yes to touch when we really don’t want it, we just put up with it.
- Perhaps we never really allow ourselves to receive, it just doesn’t happen and we don’t know hpw to ask for it. Or we believe we don’t deserve it.
- We might be asked what we want and have no idea what to ask for.
- Maybe consent is always assumed, just because we’re in a relationship. Leaving no room for discussion on the occasions we might just not be into it.
Or a hundred and one other variations of the above that we might, or might not admit to.
The opposite is true too.
When WE really want something, and we know OUR PARTNER also really wants it, even the simplest things feel fantastic.
This is not only true in any kind of sexual exchange. It’s also true in the parts of life where we give and receive.
Understanding where we, and our partners are coming from in consent, makes whatever we are doing a deeper experience. And the clarity of it brings us the freedom to more fully enjoy ourselves.
These ideas have been expanded on in a fabulous book by Betty Martin called the Wheel of Consent.
Discover how to find what you really want…
And how to give and have it be great for BOTH people…
We’ll focus on touch here because it’s the easiest place to see it. And touch is one of the easiest places to be covert in. Because let’s face it, it can be really vulnerable to share touch with another human being!
Giving and receiving come under 4 different categories:
GIVING, RECEIVING, TAKING and ALLOWING.
When done with consent by both parties, each can be fantastic experiences in their own way.
We suggest you try them all:
- I touch you the way YOU want = I am GIVING. (I am doing and it’s for you)
- You touch me the way “I” want = I am RECEIVING. (You are doing and it’s for me)
- I touch you the way “I” want. I am TAKING. (I am doing and it’s for me)
- I let you touch me the way YOU want. I am ALLOWING. (You are doing and it’s for you)
Consent means we have to fully OWN our desires. Then our partner is consenting to something that is real, inviting a full YES from them. Otherwise, our actions are done from shadow.
Without agreement:
- Giving can be taking, from resentment or people pleasing.
- Receiving can be exploiting the other person, feeling entitled, or merely tolerated, rather than fully enjoyed.
- Taking IS stealing or perpetrating.
- Allowing can be disempowerment, enduring rather than full enjoyment.
To learn more see this pdf about Betty Martin’s Wheel of Consent.
If you’re ready to jump in, try this practice as a experiment and you’ll learn heaps!
Sex Lab: Practicing Consent
This practice can bring loads of awareness and be one of the best things you can do for you sex life!
Once a fortnight or so, set up a Sex Lab. Here the idea is to explore and see what you can learn. About your sexual sharing, about yourselves and your partners.
The payoffs are experiencing the pleasure in identifying and getting something you really want.
And of giving your partner something you know they really want too!
It’s likely to feel a bit clunky in the beginning, because it’s so formal. Remember, this is the Sex Lab where you experiment. There is no right or wrong, just learning. You can enjoy the benefits later in real time sexual exchange by having more confidence and freedom in asking, receiving and doing.
Start Gently!
It is easier to start with simple desires eg. having shoulders massaged, hair/face stroked, gentle kisses, genitals stroked without trying to make specific arousal happen.
And avoid any requests that you already know cause triggers in your relationship.
Step 1: Both partners discuss and agree to trialling one type of the above touches x 30mins, then swap.
Step 2: The person being touched feels into themselves and identifies what kind of touch they would like to receive x 3 mins. They do this by closing their eyes, taking a couple of deep breaths and letting their desire arise from their body. When this desire pops up they feel a softening, a lift or a pull towards it They share this desire with their partner.
Step 3: Their partner feels into themselves as above and identifies whether this feels like a yes, or no to them. Even if we’re not totally into it, we may be willing to give it a try.
Step 4: If it is a genuine no for the doer, the idea brings a bodily contraction, they can respectfully ask for a different request, and both start again.
This is important, because it stops us from doing something that doesn’t make us feel good and find our full yes. It also helps us see that our partner’s “no” is about them, not about us, helping us to not take it personally.
Step 5: Carry out the request x 3mins. The doer must make sure they stick to doing just what their partner has asked for. Without sliding into other areas eg. if it’s shoulders, stay just on the shoulders.
Step 6: Then check in again- does the person want more of this, or something different. Repeat for the full 30mins.
Step 7: If at any time the doer, or their partner, feels like the request has become uncomfortable for them, they can change it. By asking the partner to identify something else they would like. In this way, you are not rejecting them, you’re looking after yourself.
Step 8: Swap roles for the next 30 mins.
Step 9: Discuss what you experienced in a non judgemental way. How was it for you? What you have learned? Did you see the places when you were trying to please your partner, rather than yourself? Did you find places where you were actually taking, not giving? Or did you notice you had no idea of what to ask for? This is a great time to experiment with things, so if you give them a try and you don’t like them, you can change them. If you find new things you do like, you can add them to your lovemaking repertoire.
Either way, it’s a win win! And you’ll boost your communication in the bedroom, and may be even outside it as you practice.
And if you haven’t had any experience with taking and allowing before, we suggest you give it a try.
It can be very empowering and sexy to take what you want, or allow someone to take what you are willing to allow…with true consent of course!
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