We’re always too tired to have sex…
What can we do about it?
Statistics say that long term couples are working harder and having less sex than ever before. This is due, at least in part, to the type of sex people believe is required- an exhausting huff and puff performance. This is not particularly tempting last thing at night after a hard day. It can easily degenerate into the scratching of an itch and a release of tension more than creating any kind of fulfilling pleasure or meaningful connection. Eventually even scratching the itch can become too hard and it’s easier to stay in front of the TV or computer screen.
How about making a shift from sex where you relax at the end to sex where you relax at the beginning? How do you do this? It’s making the shift from tension release sex to allowing the pleasure to arise from within and is a whole different ballgame (if you’ll pardon the pun!)
In the Bedroom…
Start out by just lying together and holding each other. Melt your bodies as close together as possible. Preferably be naked, but this is not essential. Bring your attention to your senses- notice how good it feels just to hold and be held. Breathe deeply into your bellies and consciously relax as you exhale. Focus your mind on noticing what you’re feeling in your body. It can take a few minutes for your mind to quieten but give yourself time for this. Make no judgements on what you’re experiencing, feeling or not feeling. Or if judgements arise just mentally let them go. Breathe into your hearts for a few moments. Once you feel relaxed you can move your hands to hold a more sexual part of your lover- his lingam (penis/cock), her butt or breast (holding only, not moving at this stage). Keep breathing consciously focussing onto your genitals this time. Again have no agenda about creating anything just notice what happens. Once you’re feeling really relaxed and connected to each other you can include some gentle stroking of other parts you can reach. You’ll notice that if you get out of your own way your desire will arise all by itself!
Outside of the bedroom…
Our sexual desire and pleasure is also about much more than just what happens in bed. It’s about how we’re caring for ourselves outside of the bedroom, because energy for sex is the same as energy for life. How stressed and tired we are, how disconnected we might be from ourselves or our partners, emotionally shut down, working in jobs we don’t particularly like or doing very long hours, caring for children or ageing parents, with no time for relaxation or anything creative, possibly resulting in a lack of exercise, a poor diet or excess alcohol all impact on our availability for sex. Not to mention being menopausal or the use of common medications such as those for high blood pressure, anti depressants and more that also lower our libido…
So these are two things you can look at in regards to being too tired for sex- what’s happening in the rest of your life that’s draining your energy and leaving you too tired for sex? And what kind of sex are you having? The kind that’s all about the release of tension (that actually drains your energy further) or an exchange of energy that is connecting, rejuvenating and inspiring…
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