In the early years of my relationship with Graeme I used to have a deep fear of abandonment. I experienced it as constant butterflies in my belly.
And weirdly, the more committed our relationship became, the worse my fear got, rather than the opposite.
It was why I absolutely loved the first ever tantra retreat we attended. The retreat was all about creating deep connection and enjoying a blissful sense of oneness. Which made my fears of abandonment disappear, at least for a while.
It lasted for the few days we stayed on after the retreat and continued to enjoy our loving connection.
The challenge was that when we got home and Graeme went to work I went into total abandonment!
Tantra didn’t help
I saw that I had not “solved” my abandonment, I had merely put it aside for a time.
It made me realise there was more to this tantra thing than just blissful connection with another. I had to find it in myself.
This was further brought home the I experienced feeling completely abandoned one night. It happened when I was literally lying in Graeme’s arms and he was being fully present with me.
How could I be experiencing this gut churning abandonment at a time like this?
It was then I realised I had a childhood abandonment wound to deal with. I needed to find my own sovereignty.
I thought I had already done this after a couple of years of intense personal development.
But getting into relationship took it to a whole new level.
Relationship makes it real
Because a healthy sense of sovereignty means seeing that as a fully functional adult I can never be abandoned by another adult.
Sure, I can be left by Graeme.
He can choose to break up with me. Not show up for me. Break my heart and leave me.
He can simply not choose me.
He might not let my fears control or own him.
And that was really hard to navigate, it really sucked, until I “got it”.
That the only way I can be truly abandoned is if I abandon myself.
If I depend on Graeme more than I depend on myself.
If I made being with him more important than being with myself.
If I could only be happy when I was with him.
Or if I made being with myself less interesting than being with him.
And at a deeper level, if I couldn’t keep myself internally safe, no matter what.
Until I got this it felt like Graeme not choosing me WAS him abandoning me.
But it wasn’t and could not be.
We are only abandoned by those we are dependant on
Children can be abandoned.
Adults cannot – no one person is or can be responsible for your happiness, your life, your sense of safety.
If you want to be a stand-on-your-own-two-legs-adult with legit sovereignty (self governance) then we have to accept responsibility for our lives.
Others impact our feelings, our sense of safety, security, love, but they cannot be the sole guardians or stewards of.
This is our job
To see these feelings of abandonment as opportunities to claim our sovereignty. To choose to come home to ourselves rather than long for what we cannot have.
How do we come home to ourselves? We:
- Drop the “story” of abandonment.
- Get grounded and safely feel the feelings associated with our sense of abandonment.
- Connect to the part of us that has always been there and always will be, our sense of “us”.
- Experience that sense of ourselves as enough, no matter what.
- Keep dropping into this sense of ourselves until we experience it as all we need, as our sense of being “home”. Of being loved from the inside out.
This practice can be a challenge. Especially left to our own beliefs, self-sabotage, negative internal dialogue, and repeating limiting behaviours.
If this is you, we invite you to consider exploring the powerful work found through having coaching sessions with Graeme and myself. To help you unlock the mysteries of yourself.