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Reclaiming Your Feminine Power- For Men too!

July 28, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Fleeing flat, stressed, tired or merely uninspired?

You may be lacking in your feminine power…

Here we show you why and how it can work for you…Feminine Power in Tantra is freedom

Please note, this article on feminine power is not just for women, men who are also wanting to lift their burdens of stress, disillusion, lack of inspiration and level of fun and fulfilment in your lives read on…it’s not about being more feminine, just more whole…

In my recent Power of Yoni workshop, I was once again blown away by how truly amazing women, and their bodies can be. In this 4 ½ day weekend we spend a lot of time reconnecting with our bodies, our feelings, our self-awareness, our sensual and sexual selves and the innate power of who we are as women and the results are stunning!  There is a radiant beauty about feminine power- a woman loving, trusting and connecting with herself and her body that cannot be recreated by any amount of makeup or photoshopping. The women themselves were also surprised by just who they are when they give themselves permission, to step out of their fears, limitations and their social conditioning.

No longer a place?

So often in today’s world it can seem like there is no place for the traditional values of the feminine but I can affirm they are as attractive as ever. And our sexuality is such a vital part of woman. Not merely through the act of sex but in her aliveness, her creativity, spontaneity, beauty and even her wildness. A woman owning her sexual self reeks juiciness and power in her own unique way- whether this is soft and loving, exuberant and fun, open and giving, wanton and abandoned or intuitive and wise. These are all part of the feminine gifts.Breathe

What does your own conditioning bring to mind when you think of feminine qualities? We’re definitely not talking about the good little woman at home here, aka The Stepford Wife, with no power, voice or substance of her own but someone quite different. The feminine in its essence is not afraid to speak straight, be seen and heard. She doesn’t allow fears of being abandoned or alone to prevent her from speaking up for herself and others as she knows she will always be in connection with herself and be able to renew connection with others. She doesn’t resort to playing games of covertness and manipulation because she is not afraid to be seen and to manifest what she needs. She gives of herself but not at the expense of herself. She is compassionate and loves nurturing others, giving the same to herself.

Now is the time…

suicide thinkingThere has never been a time when the gifts of the feminine are more needed. Western women are currently experiencing adrenal fatigue and emotional burnout in record numbers. As we rush constantly forward into more, bigger, better, harder and more competitive, even war like it can be easy to lose touch with our softness, openness, trust, vulnerability, radiant beauty and joyful sexual magnetism. We can even begin to regard these qualities as weak, or less than the external power of the intellect, achievement and outward success.

Power Within

We try to gain our power from our woundedness, resulting in a never ending war with men, treating them and therefore ourselves with disrespect and disdain leaving us wondering where all the good men have gone. When we claim the strength and beauty of our hearts instead of overly protecting them the good men will show up! Perhaps not in the Hollywood perfection our ego’s might desire but in a realness and loving that will be more than you can dream of.Empowering Sexuality

This may sound pretty full on but I can assure you, there is little more powerful than a room full of women discovering these very parts of themselves. It’s a power that would have many externally driven folk running for cover. This power isn’t about power over anyone else, it is power within ourselves. We find this power by connecting with our inner selves. Not in some mystical woo woo way but in a concrete, step by step process. It’s a process more and more women are recognizing is necessary for them to survive and thrive in our busy, controlling, achieving worlds.

This power is not about the pushing yourself to go further, be better, try harder ethos we are burning ourselves out through, but a gentler, wiser process of awareness, nurture and awakening. Where we stop making ourselves wrong- women don’t need anyone else to make us wrong we’re so good at it ourselves!

Coming home to ourselves is finding our power

When we take the time to connect with ourselves it is like coming home to who we really are- a body, heart, soul and spirit as well as an intellectual mind. We come away feeling relaxed, nurtured, more open and authentic, even playful, not to mention Experience healing through Gracesensual and magnetic, more easily attracting our desires to us rather than having to strive for them. We find our inner magic, our spirituality that lives directly in our bodies, as surprising as this may sound. We also find ourselves more confident, assertive, dynamic, creative, sexy and spontaneous. And guys, which ones amongst you would not like to find more of this in your lives, for these qualities live inside you as well? Not just in a woman but also in your hard working, over taxed and straight jacketed selves?

So how do we connect with ourselves and our bodies and find these gifts?
So we’ll have more of ourselves to share with the world…

 

  1. Practice acknowledging your perfect imperfection. Say to yourself daily “I am whole, desiring and desirable.” Even if you feel fat, ugly, powerless and worthless do it anyway. See your resistance come up and just let it go, don’t be willing to play into its game any longer. Just be ok with who you are. Doing this daily for 6 weeks has been shown to increase our overall self-esteem. The more you believe this the more you will readily seek to change the areas in you that are not working the way you would like them to. From a desire to discover more of you rather than a need to fix yourself.dancing woman
  2. Take some time for yourself to connect, to be IN your body as we need to balance the amount of time we spend in our intellect and come back to it renewed. Yes, I know this is not easy but just 10-20 minutes a day will make a difference. Time to say YES to yourself without needing to be there for others. In your 10-20 mins sit somewhere comfortably (preferably in your special place if you can create one, even if it’s just draping a special fabric over your chair, cushion or yourself). Stop, breathe deeply, exhaling out through your mouth and simply noticing your thoughts and letting them go. Not trying to avoid thinking, as this is the way to madness, just noticing them and letting them go. Becoming aware of your body and then what you’re feeling within it. Just allowing whatever you find to be there. If you find discomfort, make this ok and see if it changes with acceptance. Accepting our feelings is paramount to accepting ourselves.
  3. Listen to your body’s messages. Notice when you are feeling hungry, thirsty, tired, sore etc and DO something about it. We are so good at pushing ourselves sometimes we’ll even put off going for a pee for hours! Our bodies are smart, they know what they need it’s up to us to listen, for the more we listen to them the more our bodies will give back to us in wellness and ease. This is especially true in taking breaks. Take a break not only when your boss says you can or the clock strikes 10am, take one whenever your body tells you to. Even just going for a walk around the office or the street, standing up and doing some stretches. If you’re at home put on some music and have a dance or put your barefeet on the grass. Our creativity stops if we push ourselves past our limits: the best thing you can do is take a short break and let your motivation and creativity flow again. Even workplaces like Google encourage this.heart connection makes fear your friend
  4. Connect to your heart. Literally take your awareness to your heart and notice what it is feeling. Breathe life into it. Again accept and allow what you find. Let its love radiate literally inside you, filling yourself up rather than forcing yourself to always give it out to others. Ask your heart a question, something about yourself or life you would like to know and listen quietly for the answer. Our hearts are infinitely wise and just waiting for us to listen.
  5. Give yourself more rest. Women are cyclical beings and like the moon and the seasons we have periods of productivity eg. spring/summer and full moons. We also have periods of regenerative rest like winter and the dark moon. Just because we now have artificial light doesn’t mean we have to be “on” all the time.
  6. In your moments of giving to, or doing for others be fully present and mindful, fully enjoy the experience of giving from your heart, for if it’s not from your heart it’s not worth doing. Feel the joy of your devotion so you receive whilst you are giving, a complete surrender that makes the hardest task seem like a gift. Then you’ll come back to yourself renewed Boundaryrather than drained. You’ll also sense when it is enough, for both yourself and them.
  7. Practice setting your boundaries. To conserve your energy and nurture yourself sometimes you might need to say NO here and there, especially if saying no is hard for you. How can you give energy that you don’t have, or that is blocked from resentment? Sometimes we need to say no before we can say a full YES! It is not selfish but being centred in yourself.
  8. Nurture your sensual and sexual energies as these are drivers of your enthusiasm and spontaneity in life. Take a moment to check out these sensual suggestions from our recent blog on “Women Aren’t Losing Interest”. Play with with your pelvic floor muscles, these muscles are drivers of your sexual life force energy. Sit with a rolled up towel between your legs (or you can sit with your heel tucked in there) and practice squeezing and releasing these muscles you use to pee with. Make sure you fully relax them between each squeeze. Inhale as you squeeze, exhale as you release. Imagine you’re squeezing and releasing a big pool of energy that lives in your pelvis.Transformation & Celebration
  9. Become aware of your hips as you walk. Exaggerate the swing from hip to hip. Feel your hips and legs connecting to the ground underneath you as you walk. Breathe. Exaggerate the swing a little more, really get into this part of your body, own your sexual self and it will pay you back in spades. Do it for yourself not anyone else. The more you own your sexual self the more power you will have in feeling its pleasure and attracting the attention you want rather than the attention you don’t.
  10. Don’t get lost in playing the game of goal or orgasm directed sex. There is so much more to enjoy, and so many other feelings and things to experience that one “O”. Not that orgasms are bad (heaven forbid!), it’s just that if they are your only sexual focus you will miss out on so many other experiences that begin more subtly but become equally powerful! Invite your man there with you.

 

If you would like to experience more of this part of you come along and join me at m next Power of Yoni event Nov 2-6 where we pull all of this together and much more…

Instant Beauty: Get it Here!

October 1, 2016 By admin 2 Comments

How Can You Look and Feel More Beautiful?

By Recognizing More of What Lies within You!

Tanric coaching can make all the differenceAfter one of our Power of Yoni Workshops a group of participants headed out to a local restaurant to celebrate 4 days of empowering self love, nurturing and discovering pleasure. It so happened the local race meeting was on the same day and the bistro was full of very glammed up ladies who could easily have won “Lady of the Day”. Surprisingly, it was obvious that however glamorous their exteriors were they couldn’t compare with our gorgeous Goddesses who were spilling over with a glow and a vitality from deep within, making them beautiful both inside AND out!

This difference raises the point, what are we actually doing when we simply focus on (or obsess about) our external appearance? Focussing on our outsides rather than accessing and accepting our beauty that comes from within? A beauty that Young girl in sexual shamecan only enhance the best outfit and beauty routine whilst giving us confidence to burn? I believe what we’re doing is actually abandoning ourselves, or at least abandoning the little girl inside of us that longs for love and acceptance…no matter what age we are…

Read on for ways to connect with our inner beauty and bring our little girl in out of the cold…

Challenges to Looking Good

When it comes to looking good (and loving and approving of ourselves in the process) I‘ve noticed that we as women come up against 4 main challenges:

  • Every time we look in the mirror we’re holding our own image up against the ones we carry in our minds, of the impossibly perfect (and unreal) body images displayed in almost every advert we see, magazine we pick up, dress shop we look into and movie we watch.
  • We face a vast array of publications with articles screaming about how we can “improve” ourselves. Treatments including everything from weight loss programs, breast enhancements to genital reductions. Not to mention enough products to cover ourselves from the hair on our head to the toenails on our feet. All aimed at telling us we’re less than perfect so we will buy, buy,buy!
  • A lifetime of conditioning telling us how we “should” be, what rules we need to follow and what good girls do and bad girls don’t do in order to be approved of, accepted and loved that doesn’t leave us now matter how old we are, unless we let it go.

And finally there is the shadow in our sisterhood, which receives unending satisfaction from us putting ourselves, or our potential female competition down, and giving us the sympathy vote in return for our “insult-athons” on our bodies.

We Hate Ourselves Too Often

No oral sex orgasmAs a result, several surveys report that over 91% of women have regular days of “hating their bodies”. It seems as if when things aren’t going right in our world, if we’re unsatisfied in our relationships or our jobs, if we’re having uncomfortable emotions such as stress, loneliness and boredom we’re more likely to criticize our bodies than deal with what is actually behind our dissatisfaction or negative feelings. So how we perceive we look is based more on how we “feel”, rather than the physical reality of how we “look”. When we perceive ourselves negatively we abandon the little girl inside of us that longs to be loved for who she is…Good Girl

Have you ever looked into the mirror and judged yourself as looking that supposed worst of all body sins, “really fat”? Only to have something good happen in your life and then catch yourself looking in that very same mirror shortly after thinking you look “pretty fabulous”? Where nothing has changed except your perception?

Even more interestingly, have you noticed how much pleasure you feel when you’re body shaming yourself vs when you’re feeling beautiful and appreciated?

Neuroscience has shown that whatever you focus on shapes your brain. So if you focus on how defective your body looks it actually translates into a numbing down of how it feels. And the opposite is true, if you focus on how wonderful your body is, so it will become!

How to find Instant Beauty:

Make a radical choice to think and do things differently.

  • You’re as beautiful as you tell yourself you are, so tell yourself you’re beautiful often!
  • If someone else tells you that you’re beautiful, let it in and say thankyou!
  • Find one thing to appreciate about what your body can DO each day, taking the focus off just how it looks. Put your full attention on this body part and stroke it for a moment with love, baby!happy oral sex lover
  • Notice something you find beautiful about the women around you and tell them. Drop the need to compete and see yourselves simply as a reflection of each other. (You may want to omit the stroking part unless you know each other very well!)
  • Use beauty products with the mindset of enhancing the beauty that is already there, rather than fixing any problems.
  • Avoid participating in body shaming conversations, even choose to express something you like about your body instead.
  • See the abundance of treatments and products as a money making device for those making money from them, not necessarily something that you need.
  • Dress with the primary aim of expressing and feeling good about yourself rather than trying to fit in with the latest fashion.
  • Avoid trying to “fix” yourself. Instead, do things for their enjoyment value. Find an exercise that you love and it will be a joy rather than a chore.
  • See your body as your temple and choose to nurture it by attending to its needs as a good servant would do for its master.
  • Follow this link and listen to our Self Loving Meditation.
  • Do 3 pc squeeze and releases (pelvic floor contractions) then take a deep breath, enjoy the feeling. Do this often.
  • Learn to feel more pleasure and you won’t care how you look because you’ll feel so great! And consequently you’ll look more beautiful as a result of your inner glow…

So if you’re looking for even more ways to get your inner glow on and love yourself from the inside all the way out click here for details of Annette’s upcoming workshop just for women the Power Of Yoni Nov 10-14 2016.  Contact her for a chat to see how this workshop might work for you!

 

 

 

Making it easier to see each other

November 5, 2015 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Men and Women ARE different…

Can you relate to the feeling of being totally unseen by your partner? Of having to nag them over and over to do something for you, and even though they say they care, they still don’t do it?

Or having answered them in a way that you think is perfectly clear, only to have your partner go on and on as if you hadn’t even spoken? As if they totally are from Venus whilst you are from Mars?136475-370x400-jsw_antique_balance_scales

Men and women ARE different in many ways. Even though modern thinkers are trying to homogenise us and treat us all as equal.  But being equal is very different to being the same.

This is especially true when it comes to our difficulties in communicating with each other.

What lies behind these communication difficulties is not so much what we’re saying, but the misleading perceptions we have of each other that drive the way we hear each other.

For example:

man wearing braOften as women, we believe that a man should be “more feminine”, more sensitive and wordy in communicating, so that we can feel understood. We judge him as wrong or inadequate when he isn’t.

Woman taking garbage outMen too can harbour the belief that a woman would be better off being “more masculine”, more straightforward and direct, making them easier to communicate with. They judge women as wrong, or too emotional when they’re indirect as it makes men uncomfortable.

We see each other through our own filters rather than seeing and appreciating our differences.

Simply not understanding these differences in perception can leave us feeling unheard, uncared about, disrespected and unloved. It creates polarisation, causing unhelpful behaviours that result in men and women growing  apart  when they communicate, rather than brining them the closeness they BOTH long for.

There is more to be gained in understanding and celebrating our differences as men and women. Rather than trying to minimize or neglect our uniqueness, particularly if we do so from a place of defensiveness, fuelled by misunderstanding and ignorance.

Domestic violence is not a gender issue

domestic violenceThe current debate around domestic violence is an example of this polarisation. This hugely important debate is unfortunately degenerating into a gender issue. One which is mostly driven by knee jerking, but well meaning politicians and women’s leaders in their drive for much needed funding. When an issue that impacts both men and women is made out to appear gender specific, it only polarises both genders. This makes clear communication unnecessarily more challenging, and creates communication difficulties that could have otherwise been avoided.

Yes, men and women are obviously different. Some differences are easy to spot, and some are more subtle in how we act, feel, communicate and react to each other. These differences are part of why we’re attracted to each other.

Not understanding creates powerlessness

In any relationship over time, repeated experiences of feeling unheard or unmet through this not seeing each other leaves both partners feeling disconnected, frustrated and powerless. Even hopeless if it goes on long enough.Couple arguing

From our place of hurt we try to get our power back by taking the offensive (actively attacking or withdrawing). This gives us a few moments of powerfulness over the other. However, it leaves the attacked person in protection mode, where it is extremely difficult for them to defend themselves, and to support us (what we are looking for) at the same time. Meaning each protagonist ends up alone and isolated from each other.

Seeking to understand and appreciate our differences gives power to both people, especially when we both step out of playing games of protection or manipulation, and step into empowering each other.

The thing is that either we’re BOTH empowered or NEITHER of us truly are. Any games of one upmanship only cause unending frustration and separation.

So how ARE we different?

Here is a little look at how men and women are different in their inherent natures, how these differences impact and what we can do to benefit from them. This list is extensive, yet by no means exhaustive.

Of course, underneath our gender we are all just human.

MAN:

  • A man is internally motivated and more likely to follow his own path, to be driven by his inner sense of self.
  • He is largely self reliant and single focussed, accountable for his words and actions.
  • His singular focus, his cutting through the messy or the unnecessary in order to achieve clarity takes energy.
  • He sees his needs as having paramount importance because ‘He gets, so He can give’.
  • He expresses himself through his opinions, actions and achievements, that to him, are vulnerable expressions of his individual self that is seeking to seen and loved. When he talks, he is not simply telling details, he is empowering himself with the energy of his storytelling. That’s why he loves to tell stories, the more outlandish the better.
  • Man Man needs woman, for he is fascinated, nurtured, energised and inspired by her beauty, mystery and appreciation of him.
  • He seeks to do things for her, to me
  • He loves becoming part of her team in achieving her desired outcomes and feels enlivened by her contentment.
  • He highly values woman’s independence and though he loves to help, he doesn’t wish to get involved in her ‘issues’, for he sees these as draining of his precious life energy and having no obvious solution.
  • He may not see woman’s nurturing of him, as he forgets himself in his warrior like pursuit of his goals.
  • When his own offerings are unheard or rejected by his woman, he will feel unworthy and a failure. Asking a man to provide you with what you know he cannot is particularly cruel for him.

WOMAN:

  • A woman is externally motivated and responds more automatically to others needs and preferences than to her own.
  • She will seek her sense of self through connection with others, supporting and enhancing herself through helping them, though she does not seek ultimate responsibility for herself.
  • Her magic is in her vulnerability, her receptiveness and her ability to give of herself.
  • Nurturing, companionship,Woman being self aware listening, sharing, playfulness, spontaneity, trust and appreciation are some of her many gifts.
  • She is also fullness, beauty, radiance, beingness and love.
  • She fills herself by receiving from nature, creativity and pleasure.
  • She is happy in the moment and in the messiness of life.
  • Her focus is more on the details and the process, rather than the outcome. She will not understand that this is the opposite to a man and will drain both herself, and him, by nagging him into attending to them.
  • She seeks agreement and commonality and without it feels disconnected, anxious and distant.
  • Without connection with another she can feel a loss of connection with herself.
  • Woman needs man to love, protect, provide for, cherish and ravish her. Even though she is much more able to do these things for herself these days, she is still enlivened by his appreciation, his providing for and love of her.
  • She believes that if a man doesn’t see all her efforts to please and care for him and respond in kind as a woman would, he is a selfish bastard, leaving her exhausted and filled with resentment and bitterness.

When a man is unseen by woman:

He is left powerless in the face of her protection and it brings out the opposite of his true nature. He will seek distance instead of intimacy (what she least wants). He may choose to compete with her rather than cherish her. He may anticipate with suspicion rather than trust. Instead of natural respect he might treat her with disdain.

His response to a woman’s weapons is one of shock, dismay, disbelief and a loss of his power, resulting in fury and rage. As he begins to relate from a place of fear rather than of love he will seek to objectify her rather than feel her, as to feel in this would be too dangerous. His rage has little place to go, as even in his pain, his desire to protect rather than retaliate is strong. He will often (though not always) choose to shut down instead. From his own place of disempowerment he can resort to same weapons as the woman uses. Any acts of physical violence are purely his last resort.

When a woman is unseen by man:

When she has given her all and is left unseen, a woman will understandably seek to protect herself from further hurt. This is the opposite of her true receptive nature. She will do protect herself consciously, or unconsciously, by covertly attempting to take away her man’s power, the only obvious step for the disempowered.

Her weapons are withholding her appreciation, her admiration, her trust and of course, her sex. She can also criticise, interrupt, complain about or ignore him. She might compare him unfavourably with others, show disinterest in or demean his ideas, his earning ability or smothering him with ‘Mother Knows Best’. She can also withhold her joy, radiance and beauty (a vital source of energy for him). Her emotionally abusive weapons are more socially acceptable than physical violence (though occasionally she Tantric Couple In Heart Shirtcan resort to this as well), but they’re nonetheless devastating to her man.

Turning the tables and seeing each other more clearly:

Instead of playing these games of hurt and protection, men and women can choose to be proactive and minimise the hurt by the following:

Man can:

  • Remember that woman’s beauty and radiance is enhanced by his appreciation and compliments, giving them regularly.
  • Choose to drop his need to self protect and call his woman on her defences from a place of clarity and love, rather than anger. His anger will dissipate and he will feel reconnected with himself and his innate loving power.
  • Recognise that he is enough in himself and let go of his ego need to be “right”
  • Understand that sometimes his desire to “fix” things doesn’t work for a woman, unless it involves a leaky tap or unblocking the vacuum cleaner
  • Understand that simply listening with presence and allowing her intensity to run, then subside naturally, is a deeply loving space for him to hold for her
  • Know that even though his role in relationship may no longer be that of protector and provider in the traditional way, his heart and his passion are still what she seeks.
  • See the sheer beauty and humour in their differences with laughter, for laughter is a great intensity shifter.

Woman can:

  • Choose to drop her weapons and instead truly revel in her own inner power, beauty and radiance so man can again love, appreciate and care for her.
  • Nurture herself through her own gifts, coming to him empowered rather than trying to get something from him.
  • Rather than over giving of herself, clearly asking him for help from a place of self worth.
  • Remembering he is goal, rather than task driven by letting him know what outcome his help will create for her, and asking what he needs to help her achieve it. Giving her appreciation afterwards.
  • Be open to receiving, an opinion, a compliment, a gift, or man’s love. In her receptivity he feels inspired to give.
  • Be able to listen to him without needing to interrupt, judge or justify herself and he will feel accepted by her and his heart will open in return. (This doesn’t mean he can’t appreciate an occasional good argument and feel her in her intensity).
  • When she ask for things, disagrees with him, or talks with him, to do so from her place of love where he will more likely hear her.

Underneath we are all just looking for love, and to give love.

As you can see, this is a large and complex topic, but having some simple understandings can allow huge shifts to happen in your relationship with the ‘opposite’ sex.Annette & Graeme, Relationship counsellors,Sexuality counsellors,Tantra facilitators, Marriage counselors, Marriage advice,

Remembering that underneath our defences we are all just looking for love and acceptance in one way or another, and in that we are definitely both equal AND the same.

For those of you seeking more on this intriguing subject see the wonderful work by Alison Armstrong on which some of this article is based.

And for those who would like to explore this in more detail in their own relationships contact Oztantra for a Skype session here

 

 

 

A Guide to Breast Appreciation

September 22, 2015 By admin Leave a Comment

breastsWell, if it’s not official, we’re declaring it Breast Appreciation Week!

And to do so we’re offering A Guide to Breast Appreciation for both women and the men who love them…

A Woman’s Breasts are the Pathway to her Heart

Have you as a woman ever stopped to think about your breasts? It’s very likely that your lovers have given them some undivided attention, whether it has been in lovemaking, in that hot new outfit or as you’re brushing your teeth naked in the bathroom…

Your relationship to your own breasts is a powerful indicator of your relationship to your heart, and even to yourself.

Do you think of your breasts from an external point of view? How they look, whether, as you wiggle them into theirWonder Woman underwire or push up bra, they match up to the socially approved images? Or do you pause for a moment and remember how they may have nurtured your children? Or with a smile how they’re appreciated by your lovers and the degree of pleasure they give?

Perhaps you appreciate them for the amount of pleasure they give you? As the nipples rise to peaks of excitement, sending a direct line of pleasure to the clitoris do you see your breasts mainly as a source of pleasure, a beginning place to stimulate other parts of the body?

Do you ever relate to your breasts from inside of yourself ie. feeling them from the inside out? Do you notice how connect your breasts feel to your heart? Do you notice how when your heart is open your breasts become more sensitive, even fuller and rounder? Have you ever felt your breasts expressing the language of your heart? Perhaps you have experienced your breasts as totally numb, feeling little? This is a common occurrence as our breasts respond to where we have hardened our hearts in life. But they can be reawakened with loving touch.

BreastBreast Appreciation Ritual

Set aside 10-15mins to fully appreciate your breasts as part of your womanly, feminine self. Let them be naked, free of restraint. Touch with gentleness and caress them with love, starting from the outside and slowly working towards the nipples. Touch with appreciation and without an agenda to make anything happen. Breathe into them and feel the feelings that arise. Imagine your heart underneath and notice the degree of connection you feel between both, without judgement. Complete with just holding them in each hand in stillness.

Notice how your relationship to your breasts, your heart and yourself can change after this simple self love meditation.

Breast Appreciation for Men

Men, know that your woman’s breasts are a gateway to her heart and her heart is the key to her fully awakened sexuality. Let her know how much you appreciate this part of her. Tell her often how beautiful they are to you. Touch them with reverence as well as lust. Start with gentle touch around the outsides, hold and feel the weight of them in your hands, touch the space between her breasts with the palm of your hand, melt it onto her heart. Slowly moving to the centre of her breasts. Move towards and away from the nipples, blow warm/cool air over them, lick, kiss, suck gently then harder. Feel your woman’s response to gauge your touch.Woman breastfeeding

Nb. If your woman is breastfeeding check in with her as to the degree of touch she is open to, sometimes she can a bit of overwhelm with too much going on for them.

And ladies remember you don’t need to wait for your lover to touch them, it is OK for you to caress them in self pleasuring and lovemaking yourself, don’t miss out on this important part of your whole body arousal.

The ABC of Coming Together!

April 6, 2015 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

The ABC of Coming Together

Two people scaling the heights of their sexual pleasure reaching the ultimate peak of togetherness by ‘coming’ at the same time…

That’s not what we’re talking about.

We’re talking about something much more important.Resuscitation Coming Together

Not the ABC AIRWAY, BREATHING & CIRCULATION resuscitation technique but something equally life sustaining:

 ATTENTION, BREATH & CONNECTION- The No. 1 technique to transform your relationship

-The coming together of your mind and body!

Much of the time we walk around disconnected from ourselves only half alive, half available, living in our heads with head on firefacts more highly valued over feelings. Our culture supports and validates this way of being. We cram more and more information in our heads from so called experts external to ourselves but what are we actually doing with it?

Living this way we’re disconnected from the reality of our physical form, as well as our feeling and other subtle realms, whether you believe in them or not that help create the magic in life and relationship. It leads us to THINK our feelings rather than authentically FEEL them.  Feelings are not facts but they are an important part of our communication and survival systems and literally the juice in life and relationships.

For what are happiness, joy, love, connection, excitement, freedom, peace, pleasure and bliss but feelings??

This disconnection inside of us makes it harder to know who WE are AND how to really connect with another.

This simple ABC practice is about coming into union with YOURSELF.

  1. Pause.
  2. Take your ATTENTION from your thoughts to your body.
  3. Use your mind to notice what you are experiencing- feeling your body sitting, standing or lying, along with any physical sensations of relaxation, tension, heat, cold, tingling etc you can notice.
  4. BREATHE consciously, slightly deeper than normal.

Conscious Breathing connects mind and body.Coming together of mind and body

  1. Scan your body and CONNECT with what is happening inside of it, especially your chest, belly and throat. Notice any more subtle sensations such as heaviness, lightness, tension, butterflies, anxiety, frustration, peace, happiness etc. It can help to place one hand on your belly and the other on your chest. You may also experience nothing, and nothing is still something.
  2. Stay present with this for a few moments, allow whatever is there just to be there exactly as it is with acceptance. This is known as ‘witnessing’ your feelings- keeping your attention on them, breathing into them, experiencing them exactly as they are without suppressing or accelerating them.
  3. If it helps, name the feeling to yourself but avoid going into a story about what the feeling means as this will take you away from it. There is nothing to do here other than dropping into this experience.

Welcome home. This is you coming together experiencing yourself more fully. Centred in yourself. Self aware. Comfortable or not, from this place both life and relationships work.

Usually we don’t notice our bodies until they let us know they are there by some kind of malfunction or pain. If you get familiar with the pain it will no longer control you. If you check in when there is no pain you get to know more of what amazing feelings you’re capable of and strengthen the relationship between you, your body and yourself.

Practice Coming Together Regularly

Whenever you have a moment. The more you say yes to your body the more it will say yes to you.

In the beginning you may need to stop and close your eyes to do this. With practice you can do it with your eyes open (and without using your hands) anywhere, anytime no matter what is happening around you- in a meeting, on a run, having a shower, making love.

Emotions Eek!

Inner volcano

For those of you who shy away from the idea of feelings this is not about inviting a melodrama of emotion into your life, rather inviting you closer to reap the true benefits from them.

For those of you who live in a world full of often overwhelming emotions this is not about creating more intensity rather giving you control over the ones you already have, developing some emotional intelligence and win/win successes in your relationship.

The benefits of your ABC practice and your mind/body relationship will continue to unfold through the rest of your life.

Female Desire and Arousal

March 6, 2015 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Understanding Female Desire & Arousal

Are you one of the many women now reporting a low level of desire for sex? And how is it impacting on your sex life and your sense of self? Is there a part of you that just wishes you could take a little blue pill and have all your sexual needs fulfilled? Female desire and arousal is a complex subject.

Recently Sprout Pharmaceuticals resubmitted its (twice already rejected) drug Flibanserin to U.S. Food and Drug Blue pills for female desire and arousalAdministration for approval. Flibanserin  is a drug intended to treat the disease of low sexual desire in women. But is the problem of low sexual desire really a true disease classification or is it simply pathologizing a variation of normal, perhaps even just a lack of understanding what is possible?  The ‘disease’ of low sexual desire was originally classified as ‘a lack of sexual fantasies and desire for sexual activity’ ie. thoughts of sex leading to arousal that motivates the person to pursue satisfaction. This very limited view largely based on the male experience has now been broadened to include female desire and arousal- the difference between sexual interest and physical arousal, where a woman may not feel hungry for or interested in sex but this does not mean she is incapable of becoming aroused given the right situation.

There so much more to a woman’s sexuality than just fantasy, desire and horniness it is no wonder we get confused 50 Shades of Greyat times. We have generations of social conditioning telling us to push down those thoughts or feelings as ‘wrong’ for good girls.  Yet if we look at ‘hot’ romance novels or the success of the ubiquitous 50 Shades of Grey our interest is very much there. Such a big part of sexual desire is having a healthy relationship with our sexual selves and giving ourselves permission to go there, to understand what it means for us and to trust that we are ok in it. It can take a bit for her to ‘get there’ but when she fully does a woman can even be sexually voracious.

There is also the need for her to decide for herself in this hypersexualized culture what is sexually right for her. Is there a perception that she should be interested in sex more often than she actually wants/needs to be? It can be hard for a woman to find her innate sexual desires due to the impact of the many ‘shoulds’ in her culture, in her desire to seek approval from those around her as well as how to meet the desires of her lover.

Lastly there is her relationship to her vulnerability and her heart. If she is scared, carrying past hurts, anger fear or unexpressed sadness then her heart will be closed, not only to her lover but also to herself. This closedness in a woman’s heart cuts off her access to her energetic and sensitive feeling body and will have her saying no to even theheart plays role in female desire and arousal idea of sex as a way of staying out of this vulnerable place.

Telling a woman that she is diseased, faulty and needing to be fixed is the last way to address the issue of sexual desire. Some women may ultimately benefit from such a drug as Flibanserin but there is much more to a woman’s level of desire for sex and her arousal state that just her ability to feel ‘horny’. Sometimes it is just a case of cultivating feelings of arousal first and then desire awakens- in other words choosing to be sexual without feeling it first then finding the desire comes.

Other important aspects of sex are simply how present a woman is in her body in the first place. These days a woman is often busy doing six things at once, pushing herself to achieve, focussing on the use of her intellect, repressing her socially unacceptable emotional and feeling self and relying on her adrenaline stimulating, hyper stressed sympathetic action oriented nervous system to do so. This way of being keeps a woman in her head and disconnects her from her more sensitive feeling body. In this place the release of tension, through more edgy, ‘horny’ adrenaline and dopamine based sex, what is currently seen as ‘normal’ sex, can be just what a woman wants.

But if she experiences desire post arousal she will turn to her parasympathetic nervous system instead which is all about relaxation, time to breathe, connect to her body and to herself. Give a woman time to relax, breathe and connect to herself and her state changes. Relaxation promotes feelings of safety. Remembering pleasurable sexual relaxation for female desire and arousalfeelings/experiences helps activate the autonomic nervous system (of which the parasympathetic NS is a part) promoting arousal and lubrication. An accepting, loving partner (or her loving self) with consistent gentle touch, kisses, words of appreciation (not just niceties, these are part of the arousal system) continues to activate her full melting response ie. heavier breathing, raised heart rate, flushed skin, erect nipples, whole body sensitivity, engorged labia and vaginal walls, lubrication  and dopamine release causing an anticipation/desire for sex. This full depth of activation results in the highest opoid (feel good) and oxytocin (bonding) chemical release allowing true satiation. The challenge with this system is that it operates largely beyond our conscious control- we can’t “will” it to happen in the mind (as any woman, or man, who has tried to ‘make’ an orgasm happen knows), we can only allow it to happen whilst following the above steps.

Pathologizing this difference between female desire and arousal rather than understanding it just puts a woman into shame believing she is wrong somehow, putting further distance between herself and her sexual power.  When a woman experiencing responsive desire (desire post arousal) comes to understand how to make the most of her desire, she opens up the opportunity for greater satisfaction. Studies have shown that the closer a woman comes to orgasm her capacity for behaviour regulation becomes deactivated, judgement is suspended and her inner ‘wild woman’ is released with freedom from pain and altered states of consciousness. Well worth the effort of getting there!

At times relaxing, connecting with her body and some loving touch still does not allow a woman’s arousal to flow. In this place it helps for her to connect with her heart, feel into it and notice if she is holding it closed for any reason, taking some time to be with whatever is there. Perhaps it is a wall between her and her partner, or just a deeper level heart connection for female desire and arousalof separation from herself, the stress of which activates her stress or sympathetic NS, creating tension and blocking the parasympathetic relaxation/safety response. A little compassionate attention to this part of herself, breathing into or tapping her heart, allowing any accompanying emotions to release can allow her to feel safe and connected enough with herself for arousal and desire to arise.  This can be the hardest thing for a woman to give herself permission for, this bit of time, overriding it with less satisfying harder sex. For her lover in this space just know there is nothing to fix here, just bring her your grounded presence and the space to connect with herself.

Even broader than this is the relationship a woman has with her sexuality as her life force energy, her vitality and essence for living, inspiration for her creative and intuitive self, her spiritual gateway. Where cultivation of her sexual energy is for more than just in the bedroom, is about more than desire, where it is about awakening herself.

Embracing our differences and working with our sexuality, our unique female desire and arousal, (actually it is much more complex for the male of the species than we generally believe as well) rather than against it can do more than negatively categorizing and focussing just on chemical fixes alone ever will.

Good Girl vs The Slut

November 3, 2014 By admin Leave a Comment

The Tale of The Good Girl & The Slut

Good Girl
Every little girl grows up wanting to be good.

Good girls are seen as the ones who get the rewards of approval and attention. But somewhere deep inside of her there is also a desire to be bad, sometimes just a little bit bad, and sometimes this desire descends to the core of her being. I believe this desire for either goodness or its opposite (which is growing ever more common ie. see Bratz Dolls) comes from the fact that a girls authority, especially as she is growing up, comes totally from outside of her, setting her up to seek her own authority from within for most of her life. There are so many unwritten societal rules for a girl to follow that it is hard for her to understand that she has the choice to make her own way in life. These largely unwritten rules are things like being nice, going along, agreeing, smiling, make way, look nice, be pretty, know your place come at a girl daily. These rules about her code of conduct are largely based around keeping her inner power leashed, for if you look at the countries where women have the most rules to follow these are the ones where they are the least empowered.  At a personal level a woman’s relationship to herself, her heart and her power are highly influenced by the relationship she has with her father, who, like it or not is still her first representation of power in life. She is impacted by whether he was physically and emotionally present, controlling, shaming or affirming. And whether he inspired, respected or overran her boundaries as boundaries are crucial to the development of the self.

For a woman having a sense of herself means listening to her unique inner voice, finding her own rules and creating a life for herself. This is especially difficult given how much of her life will be spent in service to others- vitally for her babies and young children, often her ageing parents. It still happens to a greater or lesser degree with her life partners and employers. This putting others first seems to run in a woman’s genes and is the field of consciousness in which she lives. Especially in relation to her sexual self which plays right into a girl/woman’s relationship with her good girl and her slut. For who is seen to be the baddest girl of them all? It is surely the whore or the slut. What this tells us is that the deepest seat of a woman’s power is in her sexual self- is she suppressing, controlling or subjugating, or giving herself permission to express it in all of its myriad forms? If she’s enjoying it she risks the direst label a young girl can attract- that of the slut, even in today’s apparently liberal culture. Men contribute their own part to this dynamic when they perpetuate the Madonna/Whore complex- either having a woman on a pedestal and beyond sex, or needing to see her as a whore to be able to have sex with her at all.

How does this dynamic play out in a woman’s life? There are two major opposing archetypes women fall into, either unconsciously or by choice, with light/dark versions of each. All women embody degrees of each archetype, along with further variations of those mentioned; and these can change over her lifetime. Being able to see where you are can support you in moving to where you would like to be so see if you can see yourself in any parts of the following:

The Good Girl or MotherThe Good Girl (Light version): The one who has been supported in developing her sense of self, and is able to validate herself from within. She knows her own mind and is genuinely happy to love and nurture others without a loss of herself, without allowing those around her to drain her energy or disconnect her from her own needs and desires. She is the delightful princess who melts everybody’s hearts. She is respectful of but not fully expressed in her sexuality. The is part of the Mother Archetype.

The Good Girl (Shadow Version): The one who willingly follows the rules at a high cost to herself, in attempting to find her sense of self through giving away her all to, or seeking the attention and approval of everyone around her. She is either the wallflower in the corner scared to be seen or the one overtly gaining attention, demanding her needs be met first, and/or best. She is a prick-teaser that is disconnected from, or scared of her sexual self. This is either the Martyred Mother or the narcissistic, insecure Princess who gives the term its common interpretation.

The Bad Girl (Shadow Version): She finds her sense of self through rebelling against the rules and appears empowered but this is

The Slut
BDSM bad girls

often a reaction to her surroundings rather than an authentic way of being, especially where boys and sex are concerned. This leads her to act out her sexuality outside of herself, without clear emotional or sexual boundaries and giving sex as a means of getting love and attention. She sees sex as a power to control and manipulate others, either to get her needs met or keep her insecure self emotionally protected. Her sexuality can even become her identity. This is the most common interpretation of the Bad girl.

The Bad Girl (Light Version):  A much rarer version of the bad girl is the woman who has no need to either adhere to or rebel against conventional society’s rules. Connected to, rather than ruled by her sexuality she is freer of self deception than most, with a high degree of self empowerment and self acceptance. She values her own emotionality and sexuality in a healthy way with clear, flexible boundaries and can fully express her sluttish self with an open heart, a heart that is as open to herself as to those she is loving or having fun with. She can play in dominant roles when she desires, and is comfortable being vulnerable. A woman playing in her Cougar Archetype is sexual from a power rather than a heart open position. The rare conscious, empowered, openhearted slut, contrary to popular opinion, is a true Goddess, especially if she empowers others along with herself.

Oztantra specializes in supporting women to become conscious and empowered in however and whoever they choose to be so contact us if you would like assistance in exploring any of these archetypes. Call 1800 TANTRA

More Orgasms more often?

September 17, 2014 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Orgasms, Orgasms, Orgasms…

With more women apparently “coming” with greater ease in lovemaking than ever before (especially the women in porn) it is a hidden secret that many women as yet don’t have the pleasure of coming at all, in fact up to 1 in 3 women don’t. And up to 80% have trouble at times.

You have to remember that what you see in a porn flick  is  acting…

So how can YOU come more often? Here are some tips to increase your orgasmic potential…

And you don’t have to wait for your partner to get the right “technique”, there is much you can do to help yourself.

There are lots of different things you can play with:

  1. Understand that the reason it is not happening has nothing to do with you not being good enough or sexy enough. Sexuality is a very complex part of us and is not determined by this one particular factor.Female sexuality is all about feeling
  2. Don’t push yourself into trying too hard! It IS frustrating but the harder you try the more focus you put on your mind (the opposite place to where your orgasm will happen). And the greater tension you create in your body. As sexual pleasure (energy) flows through relaxed muscles this is not what you want.
  3. Breathe more. Breathing is extremely powerful in sex (don’t get me started!), just begin by noticing how you are breathing wherever you are in your orgasmic cycle. Breathing more deeply into your belly and out though your mouth helps you relax and opens your energy.
  4.  Touch yourself with love, seek to connect with and honour yourself rather than just stimulate yourself. It is a subtle but very powerful mind shift.
  5. Do you notice that you build up towards orgasm but then it dies away? See if you are tensing your body and stopping your breath as you peak? This is creates a block.If you notice this breathe more deeply.
  6. Find ways for your mind to help you rather than distract. Fantasies can help but take you away from yourself. If your mind is all over the place (as it often is!) give it a job that keeps your focus inside you. Imagine your mind is filled with the colour white, the more thoughts come the whiter you imagine it. White is soothing and healing. Then make a connection to your sex centre (genitals) by imagining drops of red slowly forming and dropping from your brain down through your body to your sex centre.  It’s weird but it works.
  7. Let your body move. As you relax your body will want to move, give it permission by encouraging it, without caring how it might look, let your hips rock backwards and forwards. If you usually clench and tighten your body this may feel wrong, but again give it a try.
  8. Sometimes what blocks us is what lies between our head and genitals- our heart. Breathe as if you could breathe into your chest and heart, notice what you feel there. Does it feel closed or blocked? There may be something that needs to be felt and released there. Whatever it is just feel it.Female Sexuality
  9. Spend time on your breasts and nipples. Often we are very genitally focussed but our breasts are a path to opening our heart and our genitals to pleasure. Massage the whole area (going to the nipples last) to fully awaken here. If you are with a partner ask them to join in with kisses, licks and sucks. If not do it yourself, you deserve it.
  10. Include pc squeezes. The muscles between your legs (your pelvic floor or pc) are like a sexual pump. First relax, then tighten and release these muscles. Do it in a way that feels good rather than as an exercise.
  11. Play with using your voice. Your vocal chords vibrate to make sound and if your body is aroused making sound will accentuate it. Start small and build. A lot of it is about self permission, don’t let shame keep you small. If you have to, placing a pillow over your mouth (not your nose!) will allow you to make a lot of sound quietly.
  12. If you feel yourself beginning to build up to a peak imagine fireworks going off in your brain as where the mind goes the energy follows…
  13. Understand that as women we have a place in us that is beyond having an orgasm, where we access our ecstatic orgasmic flow where there is no trying just being, and our breath + relaxation are the keys to taking us there. Keep your mind open to this possibility.

 

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