The Tale of The Good Girl & The Slut
Every little girl grows up wanting to be good.
Good girls are seen as the ones who get the rewards of approval and attention. But somewhere deep inside of her there is also a desire to be bad, sometimes just a little bit bad, and sometimes this desire descends to the core of her being. I believe this desire for either goodness or its opposite (which is growing ever more common ie. see Bratz Dolls) comes from the fact that a girls authority, especially as she is growing up, comes totally from outside of her, setting her up to seek her own authority from within for most of her life. There are so many unwritten societal rules for a girl to follow that it is hard for her to understand that she has the choice to make her own way in life. These largely unwritten rules are things like being nice, going along, agreeing, smiling, make way, look nice, be pretty, know your place come at a girl daily. These rules about her code of conduct are largely based around keeping her inner power leashed, for if you look at the countries where women have the most rules to follow these are the ones where they are the least empowered. At a personal level a woman’s relationship to herself, her heart and her power are highly influenced by the relationship she has with her father, who, like it or not is still her first representation of power in life. She is impacted by whether he was physically and emotionally present, controlling, shaming or affirming. And whether he inspired, respected or overran her boundaries as boundaries are crucial to the development of the self.
For a woman having a sense of herself means listening to her unique inner voice, finding her own rules and creating a life for herself. This is especially difficult given how much of her life will be spent in service to others- vitally for her babies and young children, often her ageing parents. It still happens to a greater or lesser degree with her life partners and employers. This putting others first seems to run in a woman’s genes and is the field of consciousness in which she lives. Especially in relation to her sexual self which plays right into a girl/woman’s relationship with her good girl and her slut. For who is seen to be the baddest girl of them all? It is surely the whore or the slut. What this tells us is that the deepest seat of a woman’s power is in her sexual self- is she suppressing, controlling or subjugating, or giving herself permission to express it in all of its myriad forms? If she’s enjoying it she risks the direst label a young girl can attract- that of the slut, even in today’s apparently liberal culture. Men contribute their own part to this dynamic when they perpetuate the Madonna/Whore complex- either having a woman on a pedestal and beyond sex, or needing to see her as a whore to be able to have sex with her at all.
How does this dynamic play out in a woman’s life? There are two major opposing archetypes women fall into, either unconsciously or by choice, with light/dark versions of each. All women embody degrees of each archetype, along with further variations of those mentioned; and these can change over her lifetime. Being able to see where you are can support you in moving to where you would like to be so see if you can see yourself in any parts of the following:
The Good Girl (Light version): The one who has been supported in developing her sense of self, and is able to validate herself from within. She knows her own mind and is genuinely happy to love and nurture others without a loss of herself, without allowing those around her to drain her energy or disconnect her from her own needs and desires. She is the delightful princess who melts everybody’s hearts. She is respectful of but not fully expressed in her sexuality. The is part of the Mother Archetype.
The Good Girl (Shadow Version): The one who willingly follows the rules at a high cost to herself, in attempting to find her sense of self through giving away her all to, or seeking the attention and approval of everyone around her. She is either the wallflower in the corner scared to be seen or the one overtly gaining attention, demanding her needs be met first, and/or best. She is a prick-teaser that is disconnected from, or scared of her sexual self. This is either the Martyred Mother or the narcissistic, insecure Princess who gives the term its common interpretation.
The Bad Girl (Shadow Version): She finds her sense of self through rebelling against the rules and appears empowered but this is
often a reaction to her surroundings rather than an authentic way of being, especially where boys and sex are concerned. This leads her to act out her sexuality outside of herself, without clear emotional or sexual boundaries and giving sex as a means of getting love and attention. She sees sex as a power to control and manipulate others, either to get her needs met or keep her insecure self emotionally protected. Her sexuality can even become her identity. This is the most common interpretation of the Bad girl.
The Bad Girl (Light Version): A much rarer version of the bad girl is the woman who has no need to either adhere to or rebel against conventional society’s rules. Connected to, rather than ruled by her sexuality she is freer of self deception than most, with a high degree of self empowerment and self acceptance. She values her own emotionality and sexuality in a healthy way with clear, flexible boundaries and can fully express her sluttish self with an open heart, a heart that is as open to herself as to those she is loving or having fun with. She can play in dominant roles when she desires, and is comfortable being vulnerable. A woman playing in her Cougar Archetype is sexual from a power rather than a heart open position. The rare conscious, empowered, openhearted slut, contrary to popular opinion, is a true Goddess, especially if she empowers others along with herself.
Oztantra specializes in supporting women to become conscious and empowered in however and whoever they choose to be so contact us if you would like assistance in exploring any of these archetypes. Call 1800 TANTRA
If you listen in to a conversation between women about sex these days you will find the topic most commonly focussed on is orgasm. Whether she had one, how many she had, whereabouts she had them- clitoris, gspot, uspot, aspot, deep spot, heart, throat, anal, full body, skin, energetic; how she got there and how good her partner/vibrator was in getting her there. Sex has become about peak and performance, heavily influenced by visual and orgasm based pornography. Tantric sex focuses on the inside, it is much more about what you feel than what you see and it feels wonderful.
inner spark, the radiance I look for in a woman’s beauty was missing. It seemed that the outfits were wearing the women rather than the other way around. Unlike the post workshop attendees who (after also having had a full on day) were looking totally radiant, beaming with life and love from the inside out. And what they were wearing, whilst also very nice, was taking a back seat to the women themselves. I have never forgotten this striking comparison as it was a reminder for me of what Tantra is all about for a woman- connecting to and experiencing all of who she is from within. This takes sex to a whole other dimension- a place of surrender, expansion, ecstasy and union with spirit.
Many of these qualities are denigrated as weakness or fragility. But is a being capable of carrying and giving birth to a new life (whether she chooses to or not) fragile? Is a being capable of a wild, intense fury to chase after the one trying to steal her child a weakling? Is being fully in a moment of spontaneous and revitalizing play somehow deficient? Is a being that can surrender into her heart and softly nurture your deepest wounds pathetic? Is a being who can magnetically attract you with her beauty and radiance, then vulnerably receive you into her body and the deepest, most intimate recesses of her heart and soul helpless? Is a being that can offer wisdom from her intuition spirit and years of experience merely irrelevant?
As exploring the nature of her feminine qualities will open a woman to her sense of self, and her body to pleasure the way the predictability of a vibrator cannot. I suggest taking time out to explore the qualities listed above and finding ways to experience them. You’ll have a sense of remembering who you “are” and fall more and more in love with yourself, leading to greater life and sexual confidence, openness and pleasure.
and are hardest to heal. It takes courage, skill and trust in your relationship container to talk about these potentially big unmentionables. Communicating from a place of loving trust and vulnerability, sharing your secret desires and fantasies can be incredibly freeing (and fun..!!).
are doomed to failure as romance is a servant of the Ego (what’s in it for me?) and doesn’t last. People, at least in the west are living longer with more lifestyle choices available than ever before? We believe that your relationship follows the rules of nature- it is never standing still so if it isn’t growing it’s dying. We also see that Love- both personal and infinite is a crucial element for relationship longevity. We offer these relationship tools so you can learn to keep your relationship growing, eliminate boredom and complacency and take a risk and create a sustainable relationship for you:
giving. And the quickest avenue to love is to give it.
This is about going beyond compromise which ultimately takes the excitement and passion out of a relationship and merely creates resentment. Identify what is in your “no”- what is there for you to grow in? This is an ultimate path to love.
enjoyable but limited view. In Tantra, sex is seen not just as an itch to scratch but as an opportunity to be as Gods and Goddesses in sexual love.
Sex is breathing, feeling, warmth, tingling, connecting, creating, sharing, trusting, meeting, here, there, more, less, moving, gratitude, safety, opening, vulnerability, surrendering, expanding, dissolving, stillness, being nothing or everything, ecstasy, bliss. 
you create can be gentle and flowing, intensely passionate and hot, primal and earthy or expansively magical. There are so many wonderful pleasures to experience that being willing to take a risk and create something new, rather than staying in the safety of the familiar seems so worth it, don’t you think?
stage for the Divine.
