Good Girl vs The Slut

November 3, 2014 By admin Leave a Comment

The Tale of The Good Girl & The Slut

Every little girl grows up wanting to be good.

Good girls are seen as the ones who get the rewards of approval and attention. But somewhere deep inside of her there is also a desire to be bad, sometimes just a little bit bad, and sometimes this desire descends to the core of her being. I believe this desire for either goodness or its opposite (which is growing ever more common ie. see Bratz Dolls) comes from the fact that a girls authority, especially as she is growing up, comes totally from outside of her, setting her up to seek her own authority from within for most of her life. There are so many unwritten societal rules for a girl to follow that it is hard for her to understand that she has the choice to make her own way in life. These largely unwritten rules are things like being nice, going along, agreeing, smiling, make way, look nice, be pretty, know your place come at a girl daily. These rules about her code of conduct are largely based around keeping her inner power leashed, for if you look at the countries where women have the most rules to follow these are the ones where they are the least empowered. At a personal level a woman’s relationship to herself, her heart and her power are highly influenced by the relationship she has with her father, who, like it or not is still her first representation of power in life. She is impacted by whether he was physically and emotionally present, controlling, shaming or affirming. And whether he inspired, respected or overran her boundaries as boundaries are crucial to the development of the self.

For a woman having a sense of herself means listening to her unique inner voice, finding her own rules and creating a life for herself. This is especially difficult given how much of her life will be spent in service to others- vitally for her babies and young children, often her ageing parents. It still happens to a greater or lesser degree with her life partners and employers. This putting others first seems to run in a woman’s genes and is the field of consciousness in which she lives. Especially in relation to her sexual self which plays right into a girl/woman’s relationship with her good girl and her slut. For who is seen to be the baddest girl of them all? It is surely the whore or the slut. What this tells us is that the deepest seat of a woman’s power is in her sexual self- is she suppressing, controlling or subjugating, or giving herself permission to express it in all of its myriad forms? If she’s enjoying it she risks the direst label a young girl can attract- that of the slut, even in today’s apparently liberal culture. Men contribute their own part to this dynamic when they perpetuate the Madonna/Whore complex- either having a woman on a pedestal and beyond sex, or needing to see her as a whore to be able to have sex with her at all.

How does this dynamic play out in a woman’s life? There are two major opposing archetypes women fall into, either unconsciously or by choice, with light/dark versions of each. All women embody degrees of each archetype, along with further variations of those mentioned; and these can change over her lifetime. Being able to see where you are can support you in moving to where you would like to be so see if you can see yourself in any parts of the following:

The Good Girl (Light version): The one who has been supported in developing her sense of self, and is able to validate herself from within. She knows her own mind and is genuinely happy to love and nurture others without a loss of herself, without allowing those around her to drain her energy or disconnect her from her own needs and desires. She is the delightful princess who melts everybody’s hearts. She is respectful of but not fully expressed in her sexuality. The is part of the Mother Archetype.

The Good Girl (Shadow Version): The one who willingly follows the rules at a high cost to herself, in attempting to find her sense of self through giving away her all to, or seeking the attention and approval of everyone around her. She is either the wallflower in the corner scared to be seen or the one overtly gaining attention, demanding her needs be met first, and/or best. She is a prick-teaser that is disconnected from, or scared of her sexual self. This is either the Martyred Mother or the narcissistic, insecure Princess who gives the term its common interpretation.

The Bad Girl (Shadow Version): She finds her sense of self through rebelling against the rules and appears empowered but this is

often a reaction to her surroundings rather than an authentic way of being, especially where boys and sex are concerned. This leads her to act out her sexuality outside of herself, without clear emotional or sexual boundaries and giving sex as a means of getting love and attention. She sees sex as a power to control and manipulate others, either to get her needs met or keep her insecure self emotionally protected. Her sexuality can even become her identity. This is the most common interpretation of the Bad girl.

The Bad Girl (Light Version): A much rarer version of the bad girl is the woman who has no need to either adhere to or rebel against conventional society’s rules. Connected to, rather than ruled by her sexuality she is freer of self deception than most, with a high degree of self empowerment and self acceptance. She values her own emotionality and sexuality in a healthy way with clear, flexible boundaries and can fully express her sluttish self with an open heart, a heart that is as open to herself as to those she is loving or having fun with. She can play in dominant roles when she desires, and is comfortable being vulnerable. A woman playing in her Cougar Archetype is sexual from a power rather than a heart open position. The rare conscious, empowered, openhearted slut, contrary to popular opinion, is a true Goddess, especially if she empowers others along with herself.

Oztantra specializes in supporting women to become conscious and empowered in however and whoever they choose to be so contact us if you would like assistance in exploring any of these archetypes. Call 1800 TANTRA

More Orgasms more often?

September 17, 2014 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Orgasms, Orgasms, Orgasms…

With more women apparently “coming” with greater ease in lovemaking than ever before (especially the women in porn) it is a hidden secret that many women as yet don’t have the pleasure of coming at all, in fact up to 1 in 3 women don’t. And up to 80% have trouble at times.

You have to remember that what you see in a porn flick is acting…

So how can YOU come more often? Here are some tips to increase your orgasmic potential…

And you don’t have to wait for your partner to get the right “technique”, there is much you can do to help yourself.

There are lots of different things you can play with:

Understand that the reason it is not happening has nothing to do with you not being good enough or sexy enough. Sexuality is a very complex part of us and is not determined by this one particular factor.
Don’t push yourself into trying too hard! It IS frustrating but the harder you try the more focus you put on your mind (the opposite place to where your orgasm will happen). And the greater tension you create in your body. As sexual pleasure (energy) flows through relaxed muscles this is not what you want.
Breathe more. Breathing is extremely powerful in sex (don’t get me started!), just begin by noticing how you are breathing wherever you are in your orgasmic cycle. Breathing more deeply into your belly and out though your mouth helps you relax and opens your energy.
Touch yourself with love, seek to connect with and honour yourself rather than just stimulate yourself. It is a subtle but very powerful mind shift.
Do you notice that you build up towards orgasm but then it dies away? See if you are tensing your body and stopping your breath as you peak? This is creates a block.If you notice this breathe more deeply.
Find ways for your mind to help you rather than distract. Fantasies can help but take you away from yourself. If your mind is all over the place (as it often is!) give it a job that keeps your focus inside you. Imagine your mind is filled with the colour white, the more thoughts come the whiter you imagine it. White is soothing and healing. Then make a connection to your sex centre (genitals) by imagining drops of red slowly forming and dropping from your brain down through your body to your sex centre. It’s weird but it works.
Let your body move. As you relax your body will want to move, give it permission by encouraging it, without caring how it might look, let your hips rock backwards and forwards. If you usually clench and tighten your body this may feel wrong, but again give it a try.
Sometimes what blocks us is what lies between our head and genitals- our heart. Breathe as if you could breathe into your chest and heart, notice what you feel there. Does it feel closed or blocked? There may be something that needs to be felt and released there. Whatever it is just feel it.
Spend time on your breasts and nipples. Often we are very genitally focussed but our breasts are a path to opening our heart and our genitals to pleasure. Massage the whole area (going to the nipples last) to fully awaken here. If you are with a partner ask them to join in with kisses, licks and sucks. If not do it yourself, you deserve it.
Include pc squeezes. The muscles between your legs (your pelvic floor or pc) are like a sexual pump. First relax, then tighten and release these muscles. Do it in a way that feels good rather than as an exercise.
Play with using your voice. Your vocal chords vibrate to make sound and if your body is aroused making sound will accentuate it. Start small and build. A lot of it is about self permission, don’t let shame keep you small. If you have to, placing a pillow over your mouth (not your nose!) will allow you to make a lot of sound quietly.
If you feel yourself beginning to build up to a peak imagine fireworks going off in your brain as where the mind goes the energy follows…
Understand that as women we have a place in us that is beyond having an orgasm, where we access our ecstatic orgasmic flow where there is no trying just being, and our breath + relaxation are the keys to taking us there. Keep your mind open to this possibility.

Tantric Sex For Women

August 12, 2014 By Annette & Graeme 1 Comment

Tantric Sex For Women- a journey into self love

If you listen in to a conversation between women about sex these days you will find the topic most commonly focussed on is orgasm. Whether she had one, how many she had, whereabouts she had them- clitoris, gspot, uspot, aspot, deep spot, heart, throat, anal, full body, skin, energetic; how she got there and how good her partner/vibrator was in getting her there. Sex has become about peak and performance, heavily influenced by visual and orgasm based pornography. Tantric sex focuses on the inside, it is much more about what you feel than what you see and it feels wonderful.

Some years ago after the completion of one of my women’s Tantric workshops I took all of the participants out for a celebration dinner. It just so happened that the day coincided with the running of the local Horsham Cup. This was back in the days when I ran my workshops in rural western Victoria. As we trouped up to the Exchange Hotel (the best place to get a nice, reasonably priced evening meal in the sticks!) I noticed a couple of tables containing women who, given the tres chic way they were dressed, had obviously been out to this fashionable event.

Tantra’s inner radiance

I noticed the women looked wonderful on the outside, quite ready for a spot in Vogue or Cosmo, but even allowing for the fact that they’d probably had a long day the inner spark, the radiance I look for in a woman’s beauty was missing. It seemed that the outfits were wearing the women rather than the other way around. Unlike the post workshop attendees who (after also having had a full on day) were looking totally radiant, beaming with life and love from the inside out. And what they were wearing, whilst also very nice, was taking a back seat to the women themselves. I have never forgotten this striking comparison as it was a reminder for me of what Tantra is all about for a woman- connecting to and experiencing all of who she is from within. This takes sex to a whole other dimension- a place of surrender, expansion, ecstasy and union with spirit.

A woman spends a lot of her life looking for who she is. She learns very early in life that for her life is about how she looks and how she fits in to what is expected of her. This is because woman is The Other, made from Adam’s spare rib. Mankind is the centre of life and woman is created to reflect in man’s image. She is born without a sense of herself and spends the remainder of her life trying to find it. The model for success she is given is masculine based, focussed on external motivations taking her further away from her feminine essence. With feminine qualities seen as less than by the majority of society she quickly loses contact with her innate way of being. In her uncertainty she embraces the external world of doing, of achieving, trying to “have it all”, or feels guilty for not doing so. This is how she approached sex as well.

Society has also skewed the essence of woman for its own purposes in praising her for her ability to nurture, to feel love and compassion at the expense of her other qualities. This has led woman, in her need for love and approval to over focus on those around her to the detriment of herself. This takes her further away from her core strengths and leaves her vulnerable, depressed and insecure, or with a wall of pseudo confidence and independence yet unfulfilled within. It leaves her empty.

This is where Tantra and Tantric Sex comes in. Tantra invites a woman to more fully embody her feminine state, giving her access to the qualities that nurture, sustain and fill her up. This process is about surrendering rather than effort. It doesn’t mean that she needs to abandon her drive for independence and achievement but offers a way to help her sustain it. Tantric sex is more fulfilling than a tension focussed performance straining an already empty tank.

Our feminine qualities

What are these much maligned feminine qualities? Feeling, emotion, intensity, sexuality, vitality, nurturing, intuition, creativity, beingness, spontaneity, movement, receptivity, softness, vulnerability, fullness, submission, yielding, surrender, play, mystery, fluidity, changeability, connection, magnetic attractiveness, inner radiance, beauty, wisdom, embodied spirit.

Many of these qualities are denigrated as weakness or fragility. But is a being capable of carrying and giving birth to a new life (whether she chooses to or not) fragile? Is a being capable of a wild, intense fury to chase after the one trying to steal her child a weakling? Is being fully in a moment of spontaneous and revitalizing play somehow deficient? Is a being that can surrender into her heart and softly nurture your deepest wounds pathetic? Is a being who can magnetically attract you with her beauty and radiance, then vulnerably receive you into her body and the deepest, most intimate recesses of her heart and soul helpless? Is a being that can offer wisdom from her intuition spirit and years of experience merely irrelevant?

Perhaps it is a misunderstanding of what these qualities can offer that leads us to deny what they offer? As women we are guilty of supporting the societal view of the feminine as we too are disconnected from ourselves and our truth. We fear vulnerability as a loss of control and see it as a source of suffering, we see surrender as a loss of power. From this place of disconnection we put up barriers to keep others (especially lovers) out of our hearts. We forget is that these barriers keep us out of our own hearts, and our sense of self.

Connecting it with sex

You might ask what does all of this have to do with sex? I say everything, as a woman who is fully connected with herself and her heart experiences sex from this holistic and Tantric perspective, rather than merely a physical or mental one. It can be sex for pleasure, for procreation, making love, or experiencing sexuality as her vital life force, feeling it alive and vibrant inside her as she goes about her day.

Yes, we can have sex that focuses on the physical mechanics of peak orgasm, this is a great beginning place. It would be a tragedy if this was all a women ever sought. As exploring the nature of her feminine qualities will open a woman to her sense of self, and her body to pleasure the way the predictability of a vibrator cannot. I suggest taking time out to explore the qualities listed above and finding ways to experience them. You’ll have a sense of remembering who you “are” and fall more and more in love with yourself, leading to greater life and sexual confidence, openness and pleasure.

To take yourself to the heights of your sexual possibilities you need to go inside yourself; trust, connect and surrender to your flow that lies within you – this is the unending orgasmic ecstasy you are capable of.

The following steps will begin this exploration of what lies within you.

Try them with yourself first (allow a minimum of 30 mins, with practice it will take a few mins only) and then share with your partner:

1. Breathing- the more you breathe the more you feel and connect to yourself. Breathe deeply down into your belly and “let go” or relax as you exhale through your mouth. Allow your body to relax. Don’t worry, you don’t need a lot of tension to orgasm, in fact tension will limit it.

2. Drop your attention from your mind into your body. Notice your breath, scan your body and notice the sensations and feelings. If you aren’t feeling anything don’t make it WRONG! This will just create more thinking. Just keep noticing and allowing what is, trusting that it will change. It can feel like you are dropping into nothing, this is where you need to trust yourself.

3. Then do the same with your attention to your genitals- breathe, notice and allow.

4. Continue deep breathing and now drop into your heart, when you do you will feel your body become soft, safe and receptive. If you feel any resistance or fear just allow it to be there, accept it and it will shift.

4. You may be noticing tingling sensations in your body, this is the activation of your ecstatic energy. Begin to breathe in through your open mouth as you rock your hips forward, breathe out through your nose as you rock your hips back. Imagine you are filling yourself full of breath, energy or love.

5. Relax and play with the size, speed and rhythm of your breath and movements. Add in some pelvic floor squeezes if you like. Enjoy yourself and see what happens. Be in the flow.

6. Give yourself permission to make sounds. Don’t fake it like a porn star, just ask yourself is there a sound there that wants to be expressed, start gently. The vibrations in your throat amplify the ones in your body.

7. Allow yourself to feel whatever comes (even if it’s not you!)- pleasure, power, ecstasy, love, wet, messy, emotion, connection, expansion, spirit etc etc.

Above all stay connected with yourself, keep and open mind and from here you can fly. Once you get this combination adding in touch will feel electric and super pleasurable. You are well on the way to connecting with the truth of who you are and the ecstasy that lies within. Connecting with this place in yourself will energetically invite your partner to meet you there. From this place move on to explore your orgasmic spots, especially your gspot, allow them to take you their heights with you in the driver’s seat. This is the Tantric approach to sex for a woman, so worth the journey!

Has Monogamy Evolved – Modern Monogamy Explained

July 7, 2014 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Modern Monogamy

Modern lifestyle complexities have created more opportunities for varied lifestyle choices now more than ever before.

The “traditional” monogamous relationship container has definitely served its purpose, but is it relevant today, or even keeping pace with change ? You have no doubt heard ‘ the only thing “normal” in relationships is the setting on the washing machine’, and probably have a wry smile with that phrase. Yet, even though the traditional monogamous relationship model that has been accepted throughout much of history, its strength of consistency is finally starting to crumble under the face of change. So many people have chosen a monogamous lifestyle, only to have their dreams dashed, and is this their fault for believing it still is possible?

Supported Monogamy

Have they even received advice flexibly supporting them in creating their choice ? Are “we” doing enough to support not only younger people, but everyone who wants to be in relationship? The average modern relationship must adapt to become more varied in keeping with the growing freedom of choice that is available.
To do this, in spite of huge cultural conditioning, will challenge any newcomer, especially if they are unsupported. Modern lifestyle has placed more stress on the traditional ideal ‘couple’ yet we still regard monogamy as the ideal model for our relationship needs. And, with little consideration given to what exactly monogamy requires. As we are all living longer, our romance, friendship, financial, marital, intimate, emotional and sexual needs have become more complex with more options.

We enjoy better health with more productive and complex lifestyles.
Never before has the image of the romantic couple relationship been under so much pressure to perform, deliver and adapt, but do we have the skills to achieve this? This is also creating a whole new meaning to “life partner”, someone who can grow with you and not get in the way of your choices.

My question is are we failing monogamy by simply being too limited and inflexible in how varied this relationship dynamic can be? How many monogamous relationships receive effective support and encouragement? Especially of a standard that will ensure personal growth, depth of connection and longevity in the face of change? Can the widespread perception of how monogamy should look, change, and change in that most challenging of places- that of lovingly intimate and heart connected sexuality? We believe that the most important aspect of your relationship dynamic, whatever it is, is one of shared conscious choice from a place of open hearted intimate connection and vulnerability.

Fidelity and Monogamy

Confronting the shame, fear and control that comes up around intimate sexual boundaries in your relationship and having a conversation about it is vital to validate a healthy part of being human. Given the amazing power of sexual energy, the challenges that arise from sexual desire exist, whether it is spoken or not. Many relationships do fail simply because one or both fall into shame about desire, and give up, simply because open discussion is too challenging. Further, there is much armchair judgment offered when a committed couple consciously choose from inside their monogamous relationship to explore their sexuality, particularly when it is known about, which most often it’s not.

Why is this so challenging for some of us? And, is it any of our business? Being in a monogamous relationship in a sex negative culture is hugely challenging, as any expression of sexual desire outside the relationship is seen as a “deadly sin”. Men struggle to understand their sexual desire, the primal urges that when shut down usually leak out some how, such as watching porn, domestic anger and frustration. Women also carry intense shame around their own sexuality, body shape and simply just being woman. When these shame pieces collide, many relationships collapse under the weight of shame, guilt or simply from lack of support.

Monogamy is an Ideal Relationship Container

Yet, monogamous relationships are by far the ideal container for bringing these issues out into the open and healing them with loving fun. There is no “one size fits all” cure. But when a couple consciously choose to explore these and other boundaries, with honesty, intimacy and vulnerability inside their relationship, wonders are created. Our belief in Oztantra based on our own experience and what we see in others, is that the ultimate experience in relationship starts with one person first, yourself. When that happens and is grounded in each individual self, then simple and open communication can be a very powerful experience that transforms into the relationship.

It is usually not intimacy or sexual excitement that is lacking, but a desire to move towards something greater, which is usually held back by simple, yet unconscious fear. The skills in meeting, holding and growing in this place are a beginning in achieving more modern version of monogamy. Successful relationships do expand, deepen, thrive and develop longevity by having highly developed communication skills.
Real and open relating takes practice and highly developed emotional skills, but most importantly, communication that is clear, embodied and consistent. This is the hardest type of relating to achieve, and from our experience in supporting couples, is the most rewarding. This type of relating or communication will take many forms, but most importantly, it just needs to happen. Regardless of the outcome. In this place, the expansion, deepening of love, connection and intimacy can be beyond words, remembering that the challenges are mostly only minor speed bumps, even though they may initially appear like Mt Everest…..

Monogamy and Sexuality

In conclusion, when those powerful sexual desires or primal urges become toxic is when they are suppressed or not talked about. This simple lack of communication eventually creates feelings of betrayal and rejection followed by closing down and becoming emotionally distant. And it is the feelings of betrayal, breach of trust, hurt and rejection that create the deepest cuts and are hardest to heal. It takes courage, skill and trust in your relationship container to talk about these potentially big unmentionables. Communicating from a place of loving trust and vulnerability, sharing your secret desires and fantasies can be incredibly freeing (and fun..!!).

It takes a lot of courage and skill to really show up at this depth, as it directly challenges any unresolved inner child wounds.
In this place, the level of intimacy and vulnerability is intensely magnified and if experienced, will create a genuine expansion of trust, depth and open hearted connection.

Regardless of the outcome, simply having courage to have these conversations will make a difference.
Call us TOLL FREE 1800 TANTRA (826 872), email link

Annette & Graeme

Menopause: Suffering or Alchemy of Liberation?

May 27, 2014 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Menopause is an inevitable fact of life

Menopause is the time when a woman stops ovulating and having her period each month. It’s an opportunity for her to explore the dynamics underlying this change. This time can be brief or can last years. Much of what is written below has been my personal journey, and I have mostly come safely out the other side…So if this is where you’re at, or where you are looking to be one day, read on…

Seen from big picture-

Menopause for women

At a big picture level there is also a shift in how a woman sees herself at this time and who she can become once freed from the needs of her physical body that are focussed on others. She no longer has the power to bleed but retains the wisdom and power of her blood within her always. So the more intuitive state and take no prisoners attitude of the pre menstrual phase is available to her all through the month instead of just for a few days! This is why the older woman becomes invisible unless she steps into this power and becomes a force to be reckoned with!

You probably know of the much publicised symptoms that result from immense hormonal upheaval as her oestrogen drops and her system reorients itself to not having babies. For some women these symptoms are a minor blip on the radar, for others they can be totally debilitating. The hormonal changes result in a range of physical effects such as hot flushes and sweats, mental fogginess, anxiety, mood swings, dry itchy skin, hair loss, increased belly fat, sleeplessness, loss of bone density, decreases in libido, vaginal dryness and thinning of the vaginal walls which can make sex painful. To add insult to injury she may also be subjected to a higher level of vaginal infections such as thrush for a while.

A time of uncertainty and change-

She is no longer the mother as she once was (menopause often occurs as kids have left home), or now cannot be. Along with the empty nest her body is forcing her to face the undeniable facts of getting older, even of death. She may have fears around her sexuality, as along with the physical and emotional changes she also faces a lot of social conditioning around that fact that older women are not generally seen as sexual beings, although this is very slowly starting to change.

Her body is not forcing her to nurture others as it once did with so now there is more room

Inner volcano

for herself and her female psyche will challenge her to question who she is, which can bring either anxiety or a sense of freedom. It can be a time of great unknown and uncertainty. Sometimes a woman will move straight from motherhood to grandmotherhood which gives her a renewed sense of self without having to confront the question of who is she if she is not a mother?

As part of this questioning process a woman will often look to try new things for herself, to make long desired changes and seek to “sort things out”. This can involve being less available for others in the old way of putting herself last which can be challenging for those around her. Yet as she steps into her power she learns to support through empowering others as she empowers herself, rather than just “doing it all for them”.

Menopause often causes a woman to reassess her relationship, as with the children gone there is less room to hide what is, or is not working. When sex is less frequent it can be difficult for her to want to stay close and intimate to her partner as she becomes this forgetful, emotional, sweaty, and lowered libido being. But communication, intimacy and sex is what she most needs to help her stay grounded and connected as she becomes more connected with herself.

Coming out the other side-

As a result of all this searching menopause ends with a woman feeling more comfortable with who she is and where she is going- she has more of an internal locus of control- she looks to herself for answers rather than those around her. With less of a focus on others and the homefront she can be more focussed on the outside world and take an interest in local, community or world social events. If she is able to stand in her power as a well rounded, rich and powerful being rather than succumbing to the belief that for a woman to have value she must either be Hollywood beautiful or be in the role of the mother. Sex becomes less about creating babies or merely providing pleasure for the partner and more about self pleasure, sharing pleasure, fun, love and spiritual connection- a pathway for her to nurture her inner radiance.

Growing through menopause together

How you can support yourself in this time:

Become informed about the menopausal process, understand and make conscious choices for yourself- this is part of developing your internal locus of control. Understanding about menopause helps you create a life post menopause that is rich and inviting!

Physically:

Listen to your body and what it is telling you about what works for it.

Eat well- find what way of eating works for you. Drink plenty of water.

Get plenty of rest.

Choose the medication that is most appropriate for you. Many medications affect your libido eg. antihypertensives and antidepressants.

Indulge in physical exercise, include working with weights to keep you active, strong and positive. Regular exercise is known to be as effective as an antidepressant!

There are huge range of hormonal, herbal and other treatments available that can support a woman through the physical symptoms but none that will “fix” it for each person. It can be a frustrating time finding what works but keep trying and develops a support system of friends and practitioners- GP, Naturopath, Counsellors, reading material etc.

Mentally:

Discover what menopause means for you, read up.

Set an intention for how you are going to journey through menopause and what you want from it.

The mental fogginess can disconnect us from our bodies so it is vital that we practice connection with it regularly to get grounded and maintain connection. Look forward to the increased mental clarity that occurs as menopause completes.

Emotionally:

Learn to listen to yourself emotionally, learn to centre and hear your own intuitive wisdom.

Take time out to nurture yourself- can be as simple as a walk, bath, massage, yoga or meditation. Dancing (even in the living room to your favourite music) is a fabulous way to meditate as you move your delicious feminine body.

Learn some emotional intelligence skills to maximize the benefit and minimize the fallout

Emotional volatility a challenge and a gift

from your emotional intensity. See your emotions as a key to learning about yourself and where you are going.

Find someone you can share with, that you can be real with about what is happening for you, and will just listen or offer support if you need it. If you don’t belong to a women’s group join one or create your own.

Find ways to communicate with your partner about what is happening for you. Keep it short and to the point so he can hear you.

Sexually:

Be willing to discuss what is happening for you sexually. Sex is challenging during menopause as we shift from being hormone or ‘horny’ libido driven to making sex a choice of conscious exploration. We simply open to our selves and our bodies, rather than having an expectation of getting what we’re used to. We choose to see what happens when we get fully present with ourselves in the sexual space. We take time to really listen to our bodies, to go slow, to breathe more fully and let our pleasure arise from a deeper place. Depending on the individual, the pleasure can be deeper, more subtle than before, but no less satisfying, just different. Whatever happens, exploring your sexuality at this time will bring you a deeper, more loving connection with yourself, and if you include him, with your partner.

Remember that having sex promotes elasticity in the vaginal tissues so having sensitive sex can help the symptoms reduce.
Introduce self pleasuring into your life if you don’t already, use it to reawaken your body.
Make time to simply explore your body’s responses to whole body touch without any expectations.
Have a good quality personal lubricant at hand and don’t be afraid to use it. We suggest Sylk or Sliquid.
A daily 10 min attention to your gspot (either yourself or your lover) can help keep you connected to yourself and your sexuality, even opening to its spiritual dimension (without using it as foreplay, making it your time).
Try a Jade Egg to help strengthen your vaginal muscles which act as a sexual pump and will stimulate your sexual energy.
Know too that for a woman desire doesn’t necessarily come before arousal so being open to sex can allow desire to come.
If you’re still experiencing pain in lovemaking once you’ve taken care of your lubrication you might like to try some sexual healing to help release the emotional blocks that lie behind your pain. If this is the case we suggest you contact us for further information by Ph 1800 TANTRA or email here

As your sexuality changes, listen to your man’s fears and concerns, as this validates him in his sexuality and will help you maintain a strong connection in your relationship. Invite him to go deeper with you. Be open to trying some different things, aim for win/win solutions.

Tantric Heart space

Seek conscious sexuality practices that take sex into a place of nurture and awakening rather than performance. It also helps awaken your inner radiance and so much more! Seeking pleasure is actually part of your physical and emotional wellbeing- see more on the link below.

Spiritually:

Be open to your intuition about anything that may be driving you to “clean house” about the issues in your life, many gifts can come from this powerful time of learning about yourself.

Taking time in your lovemaking to slow down and get more present will yoursel

Other Resources:

A little about menopause for your man

Make sure you attend a Power of Yoni & The Wisdom Within Workshop, a place where you can explore the above and take some big steps towards becoming the woman you can be!

Reliable and regular support when you need it, via phone (1800 TANTRA) or skype

Getaways for you and your man to reconnect

Ecstasy & Intimacy Retreat

Understanding your hormonal picture: a sensible alternative

The importance of sharing the experience: menopause chit chat

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10 Steps to New Paradigm Relationship

September 23, 2013 By admin Leave a Comment

10 Steps to your New Paradigm Relationship

that will dearmour your heart, open the flow of your sexual Life Force Energy and keep your relationship eternally fresh and invigorated:

Our intimate relationships are largely seen as the most important aspect of a person’s life yet are also seen as one of the most difficult things to achieve. Traditionally committed relationships were about ownership and property rights, later focussed on being acceptable to family and society. Modern style marriages/relationships are often based on culture of romance and as such are doomed to failure as romance is a servant of the Ego (what’s in it for me?) and doesn’t last. People, at least in the west are living longer with more lifestyle choices available than ever before? We believe that your relationship follows the rules of nature- it is never standing still so if it isn’t growing it’s dying. We also see that Love- both personal and infinite is a crucial element for relationship longevity. We offer these relationship tools so you can learn to keep your relationship growing, eliminate boredom and complacency and take a risk and create a sustainable relationship for you:

1. Creating a unique relationship that is right just for you–

letting go of any external rules, values and moral codes that do not serve you and bring your life together into the present moment, with whatever is right for you. We often approach relationship for some largely unhelpful subconscious reasons- Identify what larger fields of influence are defining your choices- eg. Family, friends, culture, religion, society, environment, life experience etc. Let go of them and give yourself permission to envision a plan that works for just the two of you.

2. Living relationship through conscious intention-

having a living agreement between you creates a powerful container for trust, love and support, and opportunities to grow. It is also a strong pathway to pleasure- when you know you both really want to be there and living fully in the moment. You are not bound only by external agreements, rules and obligations but a deep and honest commitment to each other. Find the container that is right for you and COMMIT to it. Affirm it to each other regularly.

3. The No.1 relationship Power tool- it is ALL about yourself!

Contrary to what you have been told. Not just being self serving. Your freedom lies in taking responsibility for you. Taking responsibility means you are connecting to a higher aspect of yourself that is more loving, open, compassionate, giving. And the quickest avenue to love is to give it.

4. Saying yes to sexuality-

not just as tension relief or itch scratching but as deep pleasure, connection and a way of life. Making time to connect regularly a high priority. This creates a powerful source of energy, connection and flow available in you. Regular sexual connection and acknowledgement of some kind that has an element of love, pleasure, passion, fun, healing or transcendence in it. Sex carries the energy of creation, allow it to both nurture and inspire you! Also not shutting your sexual energy down around others but enjoying it and being conscious in what you do with it.

5. Cultivating intimacy-

we are often good at being independent, how are you at being up close? Feeling promotes connection. This means ALL of your feelings not just the “nice” ones. Making all of your feelings right not wrong, and something to learn from- feelings are often very logical, when we make our feelings wrong we make ourselves wrong. When we make ourselves wrong we come from a place of shame. Where are you at with intimacy?

6. Saying yes to God, Infinite Love, Spirit (or your equivalent) –

bringing spirituality in to your relationship in a way that works for you. Cultivating experiences that involve state change and lift us out of our everyday state of being in a way that adds rather than detracts eg. Church, meditation, intention, sex, ritual, natural substances used with clear intention. Cultivating Infinite Love to support your challenges in your more Personal Love relationship.

7. Finding yourself through relationship rather than losing yourself-

this includes boundary setting, seeing yourself and partner as individual, allowing yourself to be seen and be vulnerable, seeing where you are out of your business and in your partners. Seeing where the common major relationship challenges may be operating eg. Jealousy, abandonment, isolation, withdrawal, distance/pursuer, masculine/feminine polarities and power imbalances. Examining our childhood experience and seeing where it may be in play in our relationship? As your inner child needs are likely to be subconsciously driving your behaviours- Get to know and nurture your inner child.

8. Embracing your shadows

(the bits of you and your partner that you don’t like) as a pathway TO love rather than separation of it. This includes the desire to try and therapise or fix your partner. This puts them into shame or resistance and allows you to hold on to your own fears. Can you open to love within yourself and love your partner exactly as they are, rather than how you need them to be. Own your projections- See what you need them to be is about keeping you safe. Being present in emotional intensity and feeling into what part of us is showing up- jealous one, disempowered one etc. allowing it to be seen and moved through. Cultivating presence with ourselves to get clear what is our stuff and what might be the others?

9. Living on Loves edge-

regularly straying out of your comfort zone- learning to expand rather than contract. Indentifying what is your deepest desire in life, recognizing that your partner’s deepest desire is likely to be the most difficult thing for you to say yes to. This is about going beyond compromise which ultimately takes the excitement and passion out of a relationship and merely creates resentment. Identify what is in your “no”- what is there for you to grow in? This is an ultimate path to love.

10. Purpose & Service-

Pass on your direct experiences of love to the world around you in some way as allowing them to overflow from you to the world around you allows the energy of Love to keep flowing. Pass it around. Our relationships work best when they are not just for us but for the whole world. For every action, thought and emotion affects everything in the universe as we are all part of the same oneness.

Making Love as a Meditation

September 23, 2013 By admin Leave a Comment

Regular quality sex is essential to good health and wellbeing

Regular sex is widely believed to be an important part of maintaining good health and wellbeing through its heart opening experience of intimacy and stimulation of rejuvenating hormones. However what we generally believe sex to be – a biological urge resulting in a brief encounter between two people, experiencing some physical closeness and/or the release of tension through orgasm, is an enjoyable but limited view. In Tantra, sex is seen not just as an itch to scratch but as an opportunity to be as Gods and Goddesses in sexual love.

Tantric sex is an experience of true bliss:

With senses and hearts wide open where we can experience any, or all of the following:

we feel relaxed yet fully alive and nurtured
pleasure and orgasm happens throughout the whole body rather than just in the genitals
our aloneness retreats
our consciousness expands
we experience being at one with love – which is our true nature!

Tantric sex is a merging of body, heart, mind and spirit.

This experience of expanded consciousness is not just a place to ‘escape to’ or ‘get high’ but is where we connect to our essential truth of being one with love, the Divine and the universe, bringing us to a higher sense of gratitude, compassion, peacefulness, wisdom and acceptance. It also allows time for an expanded experience of orgasm and the optimal stimulation of rejuvenating hormones. As humans we are unique in being able to experience sex at this level. In Tantra we can learn to create these experiences through meditation and while making love. Regular experiences of bliss allow us to approach life with gratitude and enthusiasm, motivated by love.

What is Tantric Sex actually like?

Sex is breathing, feeling, warmth, tingling, connecting, creating, sharing, trusting, meeting, here, there, more, less, moving, gratitude, safety, opening, vulnerability, surrendering, expanding, dissolving, stillness, being nothing or everything, ecstasy, bliss.

In Tantric sex there is no goal of getting anywhere, of striving for the big “0”.
With an open heart you approach your partner as an aspect of the divine.
You are in the now, purely awareness and feeling.
The mind is still, focussed on being rather than doing.
Your ego dissolves and your heart opens.
In Tantra, sex is making love as a meditation

Relaxing into bliss…

How does Tantric Sex differ from other kinds of sex?

A snapshot of typical fantasy sex:

The setting is idyllic, ambiently lit and subtly scented.
He is handsome, well built, rich, romantic, suntanned, eloquent and has million dollar hands.
She is beautiful, slim, pert-breasted, silky haired, smooth skinned, perfectly groomed, wet and willing.
The sex is spontaneous, effortless, explosive…

A snapshot of typical reality sex:

The same old bed, lights off, eyes closed.
He carries stress from a hard day at the office and seeks an opportunity for release.
She is tired from overload and would love to just have a cuddle and go to sleep.
Often when we’re not sure how to have sex we can be focussed more on what is going wrong, than on creating what we want…
“I hope he turns the light out so he doesn’t see how big my bum looks,”
“I wonder if I’m doing this right?”
“I wonder how much longer I have to do foreplay before I can have an orgasm,”
“I’m too tired and too angry at him for not helping me today and now he wants sex too!”
“I’m really worried about work, I hope I can get it up,”
“mmm that’s nice, I wonder when/if will I come?”
“I want to come, it feels good, just not yet, not yet,”
“I hate it, I never come, what’s for dinner?”
Orgasm feels so good because it allows us to let go of control and go beyond our minds to experience bliss for a short time, but it gets even better than that…
The sex is familiar, brief, orgasm oriented, over. Done.

Tantric sex: Pleasure, Passion and Love

According to prior agreement, a space is created to share intimate, sensual, sexual time with no other agenda than connection and pleasure
Recent and authentic sharing has created a strong connection between you
Your conscious intention for personal and mutual pleasure encourages sexual energy to arise
Caring communication and comfort enables vulnerability and closeness
A meditative mind clears in preparation for being present and feeling
Coming fully into the NOW allows space for creativity and spontaneity to arise.
Stories and tensions of the blame game are released in preparation to meet our God and Goddess within
Acknowledgment of the healing power of sexual love enables a letting go of the frustrations of the ego
Desires are communicated and heard without judgement
Desires of each are embraced and accommodated using tantric tools
Full body awareness deepens, encouraging the flow of life force energy, opening and tantalizing
Deep and deeper connection evolves through eye contact, conscious breathing and gratitude
Intensity builds then is dispersed throughout the body, over and again, with delicious valleys of stillness in between
Where we as lovers are invited to step into something larger than our everyday ordinariness.
Sex is the original act of nuclear fusion where chemistry becomes alchemy.
Completion comes in its own good time, with feelings of nurture, renewal and expansive love

In the Tantric sex experience, there is no goal of orgasm, no tensing or pushing for release. You create love and pleasure together. Depending on your desire you can create increasing levels of intensity and scale the dizzy heights of peak orgasmic pleasure, perhaps meeting the face of God (or devil), or just drift along together in bliss of the orgasmic valley. Letting go of trying to force orgasmic pleasure allows orgasm to happen naturally and spontaneously. As you respond to each moment the love you create can be gentle and flowing, intensely passionate and hot, primal and earthy or expansively magical. There are so many wonderful pleasures to experience that being willing to take a risk and create something new, rather than staying in the safety of the familiar seems so worth it, don’t you think?

How can we experience this bliss?

Sex, intimacy and heart connection

Understanding that it is possible for sex to be more than a biological urge, an ego stroking performance or just a release of tension is an important part of achieving bliss.

From emotional walls to relaxation

One of the reasons we can avoid or rush sex, doing it in the dark or with our eyes closed, is that we have emotional walls of fear, frustration, shame or vulnerability which prevent us from feeling comfortable being really close to another person. When we learn to relax and feel comfortable with intimacy our hearts open, allowing love to flow and our capacity for orgasmic pleasure to expand. This is a great motivation to dissolve barriers to intimacy.

From physical friction to our energetic body

An understanding that sex happens at more than just the physical or ‘friction’ level –but involves our energy body as well – that feels like it comes from deep within us – is an integral element in the experience of bliss. Where we awaken the sexual energy deep within the body with the Principles of Tantra. We can learn to feel the orgasmic or Life Force energy that exists in us all the time through awareness, use of the breath, meditation and tantric practices. Our experience of this energy deepens when we take it into lovemaking through sacred sexuality practices.

From Having Sex into Making Love

Where we have opened our hearts, both to ourselves and our partner, where sexual energy does not feel only like arousal or excitement, but it feels somehow nurturing and blissful as well, bringing contentment and inner peace.

Men and Tantric Sexuality

Men learn to take their time, to open their hearts and expand their pleasure, and to express pleasure as a divine language of love. Men can become multi orgasmic and separate orgasm from ejaculation, extending duration of lovemaking and expanding blissful sensation exponentially. They also understand they can give and receive exquisite pleasure with or without an erection. Honouring their partner as a goddess, touching her with love and confidence, men also learn to take sexual energy through their hearts and so begin to make love as well as have sex. In Tantra the man is empowered in sexuality by learning to control his sexual energy, to slow down and not be ashamed of it, to ride waves of orgasmic energy as a surfer would ride waves on the ocean.

Women and Tantric Sexuality

A woman is empowered by learning to overcome social conditioning and enjoy connecting to and nurturing herself with her sexual energy, seeing sex as a pleasure that she truly desires, rather than an obligation. There is time for her to feel her glorious and powerful sexual nature, to enjoy being nurtured through loving connection with herself, and her lover. And to learn that she can become active in expanding her own orgasmic or multi/omni orgasmic capacity. As she comes to know her body and descend into her depths she learns to feel the love that exists within her. Then she can choose to allow herself to surrender and receive the man from this place of infinite love and fullness.

A Journey of Growth and Discovery

Like anything worth doing Tantric sexuality takes practice. But you don’t have to wait until you know it all – every little step you take in this direction brings its own rewards. It’s really a journey of getting to know yourself intimately first. We begin with the physical, explore the emotional and set the stage for the Divine.

The good news is that tantric sex gets better as we get older!

And after reading about it your next step is to begin to experience how all of this really feels, in the safe and supportive atmosphere of an Oztantra Session or Workshop.
So make a booking today!