How do you make the transition from a hard day at work to sexual desire…
To a “Hard Day’s Night” in bed, as The Beatles once sang??
It’s one of the questions we get asked a lot- where to find desire.
How do you make the transition from work to a desire for pleasure…
Unfortunately it is all too easy to put it in the too hard basket and flake out in front of the TV or your laptop instead for those few minutes of ‘me’ time.
Or you might make an approach to your partner and their instant rejection of the idea crushes any tentative desires that may have been surfacing…
Yet if we stop making the effort, if we allow work, life and our resistance to be more important than each other we end up living in a relationship that we don’t really want.
And that is suffering.
In the long run it is worth it to make the effort in our relationships now…
We answer the question with something like this…
The most potent aphrodisiac is being seen, heard and valued.
It leads almost automatically into wanting and being wanted.
We offer you the following foreplay…
Step 1: How do you start?
Firstly it’s important to have a ritual that can separate your working day from your intimate home space. 
This will look different for each of us as individuals, it will be likely different between men and women, and different again if a working parent is coming home to a stay at home parent.
Each person will have different needs and desires, and this is normal.
Foreplay for the stay at home parent may be help washing the kids or putting them to bed and reading them a story.
The working partner may need time and space to decompress after a hectic day in the rat race, or a chance to debrief their day.
What ever this may look like is up to each couple to discuss and work out, especially if there are children involved.
If you make creating space together a priority eventually it will be easy as it becomes more familiar.
Nb. Having something simple and energizing to look forward to can make getting the necessities done happen as quickly and efficiently as possible!
Step 2: Now get together and get real:
This is not a discussion or a talk fest, it’s much more straightforward and immediate.
Simply begin with sitting down opposite each other, facing each other directly. This allows your body’s energy systems to move into alignment without doing anything other than just sitting there breathing. (Holding hands is optional).
You don’t have to be comfortable when you start, just start!
This may create some intensity, especially if your need for each other’s company is not being met and fulfilled because “life” is getting in the way, which can be an indication that you’re long overdue to start this process.
Step 3: Connect with yourself
Each close your eyes, take several deep breaths, breathing down into your bellies, in through your noses and out through your mouths.
Notice how your bodies are feeling physically- what are the actual sensations present inside you- tiredness, tension, stress, discomfort, no feeling, warmth, coldness, pain, relaxation.
Keep breathing and notice how you’re feeling emotionally- what sensations are you aware of in your belly, chest or throat? Irritation, anxiety, frustration, nervousness, sadness, happiness, ease, etc.
Whatever you’re feeling make it ok. Literally tell it it’s ok with your mind.
Take another breath or two and feel your sensations shift into a place of ease perhaps.
Step 4: Share with your Partner what you’re experiencing
Open your eyes and when your partner’s ready tell them what you’re experiencing in your body. Tell them without judging it or expecting anything from them. Hear what your partner is experiencing without judging or analyzing it, just hear it and let it in.
Step 5: Connect with your desires…
Once you’ve each shared what is happening take a few moments of staying connected with your bodies to notice what your desires might be right now.
Step 6: Share them
Share your desires from this place of feeling them in yourself.
Nb. This is not about putting your desires onto the other person to make happen, just sharing what is real for you.
Again just hear each other without judgement.
Or if you do have a judgment let it go and focus on the person and what they’re feeling instead.
Your desires can be different…very different!
Maybe one partner would like to snuggle up on the couch with a glass of wine and chat…
Maybe the other would like to slowly stroke their partner’s ass and enter their wet, juicy cave with a hot cock…
Perhaps one would like help with the dishes and clearing up the kitchen.
Whilst their partner would like to cozy up to some porn, talk dirty, build the excitement and finishing by coming in waves of pleasure…
One may simply want to sit and watch tv together.
The other may want to feel totally shaken, disturbed, taken over, wantonly taken.
Or one wants to be lazily stroked all over, told how beautiful they are, kissed all over, rising to a delicious orgasm.
And the other wants to rip their clothes off, suck their nipples hard and fuck them…
These are just examples they can be any desire at all…Even if you just want to lie down and sleep. Feeling it and acknowledging it can help it to shift. The most important thing to do here is to let your partner’s desires filter through you without going into a story about them.
Despite what it looks like you are both speaking the same language.
You both want to feel good.
Even if her desires invite boredom or resistance. Even if his fill you with shame or disgust.
Our society has conditioned us to think otherwise but our desires don’t need to be separate.
They are all just desire.
For energy to flow it needs a ‘Yes”.
Tantra is the language of presence, of acceptance, of melding two into one…
Keep eye contact and breathe…
This is about sharing desires not trying to make them happen. Just be in the moment, real, aware. Open.
Share another desire, and another…
Feel what is behind the words
It can tell you even more than the words themselves. Feel the mutual desire for something sweet, hot, precious, pleasurable, uplifting, opening, state changing. Or maybe even a good laugh arising between the two of you, for laughter is very clearing…
Breathe into your heart and into your genitals.
Feel your heart melting into the excitement of sexual desire. Not disappearing, being fired up.
Feel sexual desire rising into connection with your heart- still powerful, still erotic yet transformed into something bigger, freer, full of untapped potential.
Enjoy the moment exactly as it is, right here, right now…
See and feel each other desiring…
If you like breathe the feelings up into your third eye, directly between your eyes, feel its quality change again. Lean forward and share it with your partner in a (third eye to third eye) Tantric kiss.
Step 7: From here decide what comes next
Connected with your bodies, minds, hearts, sexuality and with each other your desires might be closer than you could have imagined.
Whatever happens you’ve already had a win…
To find out more ways to connect and nurture your relationship check out our Sexuality of the Heart Weekend Workshop Feb 19-21 2016
Men have sex whilst keeping their heart protected. Or they avoid wanting sex at all. Women avoid sex due to feeling a lack of intimacy and connection with their partner. Or they too seek sexual satisfaction purely through the mechanics of pleasure without involving their hearts. This has the twofold effect of making the desire to connect, either intimately or sexually or both, less likely to occur, and less fulfilling when it does happen, leaving couples feeling uncertain, frustrated and isolated.
Biologically: Love is a survival tool- a mechanism we’ve evolved as a species to promote long term relationships through a sense of safety and security, for our mutual defence and the safe raising of children. It’s a powerful neurological condition like hunger or thirst that we often seem to have no control over. Love is a cocktail of powerful chemicals for creating attraction, action, pleasure, euphoria, attachment and bonding.
passion; we can receive it through the same. It can be highly personal as with friends and family, or in a moment of unique connection with a total stranger. It’s most personal in intimate relationship. Love can also be totally impersonal, such as a generalized love for humanity, country or God. We can experience love of the self, not as self centred, but being centred in ourselves, having respect for and taking care of who we are. Although love is healthy it’s inappropriate to put our need for love onto another.
the long run (though we highly disagree with this!). Sex can be a wonderful antidepressant and de stressor. Sex provides us with opportunities to feel connected, secure, loved and powerful. It can be a boost to our self esteem. Like love, it is inappropriate to put our need for sex onto another. We can invite another into it but not force them. Sex isn’t the only way to feel loved, connected, secure and powerful whilst getting a boost to our self esteem, so psychologically we don’t need it but the combined biological, physical and emotional results speak for themselves. Sexual repression can create huge psychological torment, suffering and eventual disease. Sex is the juice/energy and passion for life, whether we’re just feeling it in ourselves, or doing it with another. .
Love can occur at a distance, sex needs to be up close (although technology is helping to change that)
And if you’re into high friction sex or masturbation without conscious breathing (which maybe you aren’t if you’re here) your genitals will also be desensitized.
Such is the power of our sex organs they can transport us into an expanded reality if we allow them.
definition without judgment. Get really, really present with them, as if nothing else exists. Observe any embarrassment and breathe into it, give it love and it will fade. Go a little deeper and ‘sense’ them, do they feel,seem open, closed, happy, neglected, appreciated etc. Ask them if they have a message for you. Don’t think it, just wait and see what comes. Then just breathe and be. Let the love in.
There is an exchange of energy
In Tantric touch there is more space for pleasure to arise without judgement. Most of the pleasure we feel either feels time limited, guilty and short lived. Or we have the desire DO something with the pleasure, to take it to some sort of completion, either orgasm or intercourse. In Tantric touch we breathe into the sensation of pleasure and enjoy it for what it is and that is all, knowing the pleasure in itself is healing, opening and nurturing in itself. We can choose to expand and prolong pleasure by surrendering deeper into our pleasure but never withholding it. This leads to an incredible sense of freedom and heightened states of feeling, connection and awareness.
beyond your hands and fingers and into your partner’s body.
the benefits I have found in embracing this part of myself. I am not all of these all the time but I have definitely experienced many such moments of each.
Men-
Ejaculation for the man has long been viewed as the natural completion of sex, his biological need to release sperm in order to procreate and the pleasure that came with it was automatic. So in this way man’s sexual pleasure has been covert, unlike a woman whose sexual pleasure is largely separate to her ability to procreate and she’s had to claim it for herself, he hasn’t yet had to, until now. So much more is possible for you!
reporting feeling selfish, even shameful if focussing on his own pleasure, so he emotionally disconnect from his partner and disappear in order to be able to feel pleasure rather than shame. Because of this he often derives more satisfaction in helping his lover come than in feeling his own pleasure. His few moments of ‘coming’, his greatest point of feeling pleasure feels frustratingly limited to him allowing boredom to set in. In reality he is capable of multiple orgasms and a choice in coming or not…
Despite his conditioning it is not selfish for a man to let go of striving for the end goal and take the time to slow down and feel more along the way in lovemaking, in fact it is vital. For when a man is more familiar with feeling his pleasure it means he is more present and more in his body, inviting more potency, allowing pleasure to arise rather than having to force it.
Both lovers benefit from the resonance in the matching energy vibrations of pleasure, where the pleasure in his body literally invites the pleasure in theirs to awaken, creating more pleasure for both.
facts more highly valued over feelings. Our culture supports and validates this way of being. We cram more and more information in our heads from so called experts external to ourselves but what are we actually doing with it?
