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Sex and Love – the power in uniting them

December 17, 2015 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Finding what it takes to go the distance…

Have you ever wondered what is behind the magic of lasting intimate relationships?

We believe it’s the re uniting of Sex and Love.

For this is where we get serious in relationship…seriously powerful at least!
Here we’ll explore how the separation of these two very dynamic, and in many ways very similar forces, sex and love, ultimately limits what we’re capable of in long term relationship. And in life itself, as this includes the relationship we have with ourselves as well.

We are born sensual, sexual, heart open bundles of feeling and love. Babies just beam love and have been seen under xray to self pleasure in the womb. They have no resistance at all to feeling. Over time our social conditioning and our desire to protect ourselves from feeling vulnerable in intimate relationship causes us to separate our hearts from our genitals, whether we’re aware of it or not.

In the beginning of relationship it seems that sex and love are somehow effortlessly entwined. Love is flowing between partners and this desire flows easily into sex, we’re totally into each other, seeing heaven in each other’s eyes and wanting to touch and connect a lot of the time. This combination of fully open hearts and awakening desire is why the relating is so effortless and the sex usually the most frequent, as well as the most satisfying.

Over time in relationship little unresolved hurts, disappointments and rejections, that are natural when two unique individuals try to live together, occur that reduce this fully open flow. To keep ourselves safe from further hurt we unconsciously separate love and sex into two different places in order to protect where we now feel most vulnerable.

Men have sex whilst keeping their heart protected. Or they avoid wanting sex at all. Women avoid sex due to feeling a lack of intimacy and connection with their partner. Or they too seek sexual satisfaction purely through the mechanics of pleasure without involving their hearts. This has the twofold effect of making the desire to connect, either intimately or sexually or both, less likely to occur, and less fulfilling when it does happen, leaving couples feeling uncertain, frustrated and isolated.

The first step in reuniting sex and love is to recognize if this is happening for us or not.

The second is understanding the similarities of love and sex and perhaps taking them out of the socially conditioned boxes you currently have them in, freeing yourself up to connect more easily. This understanding can also help reduce the war of the sexes where men and women believe they are wanting different things when actually they’re not…

So what do we actually mean when we talk about sex and love, and isn’t it dangerous to re unite them?

Of course there are times when we need appropriate boundaries in both sex and love, but do we somehow over do it? Do we tie them up in neat little boxes in our minds to keep ourselves safe and in control, not realizing how we’re limiting ourselves in the process?

In intimate adult relationships, with personal boundaries respected, this combination is not dangerous, it’s the vital juice and the biggest gift in truly committed relationship…

In intimate relationship with ourselves uniting sex and love within us keeps us open hearted and empowered…

Defining Love and Sex…

Let’s take a closer look at each of these two powerful forces…

Love is extremely hard to define.

If asked probably each of us would come up with a different definition of love, which says a lot in itself. However love is generally seen to be a positive thing, part of man’s higher self. Ultimately we know love through the feeling experience of it, an experience that can be beyond even the greatest poets’ words.

Biologically: Love is a survival tool- a mechanism we’ve evolved as a species to promote long term relationships through a sense of safety and security, for our mutual defence and the safe raising of children. It’s a powerful neurological condition like hunger or thirst that we often seem to have no control over. Love is a cocktail of powerful chemicals for creating attraction, action, pleasure, euphoria, attachment and bonding.

Psychologically: Love can be as simple as a shared cup of tea or as complex as that which helps define our innate desire to live. Love comes in many different forms, such as playful affection or romance, a desire to understand and support, or a deep bonding commitment. We can nurture love through acts of kindness, gratitude, goodwill and passion; we can receive it through the same. It can be highly personal as with friends and family, or in a moment of unique connection with a total stranger. It’s most personal in intimate relationship. Love can also be totally impersonal, such as a generalized love for humanity, country or God. We can experience love of the self, not as self centred, but being centred in ourselves, having respect for and taking care of who we are. Although love is healthy it’s inappropriate to put our need for love onto another.

Spiritually: Love is full of paradoxes. There is nothing love cannot face and there are things we cannot face at all without it. The experience of love is subjective, unique to each person, in each moment, as we experience it within us. It can be felt as warmth, fullness, a pleasant heaviness in the heart. It can equally be a feeling of unlimited freedom and expansion. We can experience it alone or with another, or unconditionally from God/Spirit. It is completely free yet is powerful enough to create bonds that extend beyond death. As infants we can literally die without loving touch; as adults we also die, at least on the inside, without it. Love is a mystery, it cannot be seen or measured, but it can be felt, and it transforms that which feels it. Love can be the greatest gift and the greatest tragedy.

We know love when we feel it.

**Sex on the other hand is very easy to describe because we can see it.**

Sex can refer to any activity in which sexual arousal occurs for the purpose of sexual gratification ie. the satisfaction of a sexual desire.

Yet ultimately we know sex as a feeling and an experience too, for there is much more to it than just what we see.

Unlike love, and despite the openness we have around sex these days there is still an element of ‘naughtiness’ or ‘being less than love’ about sex. And it happens in that shame based part of us, our genitals.

Biologically: Sex is also about the procreation of the species. Surprisingly it involves many of the same chemical processes as love for creating attraction, action, pleasure, euphoria, attachment and bonding. Sex keeps us physically healthy through decreasing stress, reducing high blood pressure, increasing our immune function and much more. Pleasure also releases nitric oxide thought to be a powerful anti inflammatory agent and preventer of chronic disease.

Psychologically: Sex is Eros, passion and desire or erotic love, and is generally thought to be unsustainable over the long run (though we highly disagree with this!). Sex can be a wonderful antidepressant and de stressor. Sex provides us with opportunities to feel connected, secure, loved and powerful. It can be a boost to our self esteem. Like love, it is inappropriate to put our need for sex onto another. We can invite another into it but not force them. Sex isn’t the only way to feel loved, connected, secure and powerful whilst getting a boost to our self esteem, so psychologically we don’t need it but the combined biological, physical and emotional results speak for themselves. Sexual repression can create huge psychological torment, suffering and eventual disease. Sex is the juice/energy and passion for life, whether we’re just feeling it in ourselves, or doing it with another. .

Spiritually: The experience of sex is, like love, highly subjective and unique to each person, in each moment, as we experience it within us. It evokes a physical feeling of heat and tingling, aliveness, desire and expansion. We can experience it alone or with another. It can offer the deepest form of connection with ourselves or another. Sex and spirituality have long been in a very adversarial position with religion trying to control it and most spiritual traditions trying to suppress or transcend it. Except for Taoism which teaches sexual practices for health and longevity, and Tantra which views sex as spirit rather than something separate from it, to be used for the purposes of reaching enlightenment. Sex involves mystery as it cannot be seen or measured but can be felt, and it transforms that which feels it. Sex too can be the greatest gift or the greatest tragedy.

See where Love and Sex are Similar:

They’re both subjective, unique to each person, in each moment of experience
They’re experienced as both an internal feeling and an external action
We can experience them alone or with another
They come with a strong desire to share with another
We can be with another person with each having identical or completely different experiences at the same time
Each are a cocktail of the same powerful chemicals for creating attraction, action, pleasure, euphoria, attachment and bonding
They’re both tools for survival, we will die faster and eventually altogether as a species without them
They can both benefit our health and longevity
They are powerful neurological conditions like hunger or thirst that we seem to have little real control over
They’re both beyond the mind yet we can also consciously choose to create them
They both work best when aligned with respect
They both involve mystery, they cannot be seen or measured but can be felt and transforms that which feels it
Both are very powerful forces and can be the greatest gift (with an open mind and heart) or the greatest tragedy (with a closed mind and heart)
we can experience them both separately AND at the same time
Both can be seen as very human AND equally part of the Divine in life (we say divinely human)

Of course there are differences as well.

Love occurs in the upper part of the body, sex in the lower
Love can occur at a distance, sex needs to be up close (although technology is helping to change that)
We can love many people at once, no matter their age, sex, race, religion etc. Sex is generally with one person at a time.
Love is a force of good, sex more often a force of something bad, dirty, even immoral
Love is more about another, sex is more about us.
Love can be more subtle, more mysterious, sex tends to be more direct (unless you’re Tantric!)

Sex and Love are still not as separate as we might like to think from our conditioning…

– Sex is the fire that can intensify the love we feel

– Love is the magic we can feel that takes sex to another level

When we close down one, we limit the other.

When we build on one, we build on the other.

To go the distance in long term, committed relationship we benefit from bringing them together and enhancing each (no small thing).

To live a full, vibrant and aware life we need both, whether we act our sexual desire out in sex, in self love or simply in a passion for life.

How does this topic make you feel? What judgments came up for you?
Explore your own reactions and you’ll be sure to learn something.

At Oztantra we can teach you the skills to open more to both. Skills that involve understanding, feeling, breathing, mindfulness, presence, awareness, clarity, honesty, vulnerability, allowing, pleasure, acceptance, gratitude and surrender of the mind to the opening of the heart.

This is learning that never ends (for us too) and will keep you living and loving for a lifetime.

To learn more check out our Online Relationship Course, specialist relationship support in your own home!

Genital Appreciation

September 30, 2015 By admin Leave a Comment

Genital Appreciation Week…

Yes, last time we offered Breast Appreciation Week and from the response we received it sounded like a lot of people out there rose to the call- both Men & Women.

This time we’re going a little lower and inviting you to consider the art of genital appreciation.

Yes, you did hear us right, we said GENITAL Appreciation.

Think about it…we spend much time either denying or ignoring our genitals until we demand they respond big time to our desires for maximum pleasure and connection.

This focus on ignorance vs performance can leave them a little disconnected or neglected.

And if you’re into high friction sex or masturbation without conscious breathing (which maybe you aren’t if you’re here) your genitals will also be desensitized.

And believe it or not your genitals are more than just physical bits of us that wiggle, harden and flow. They are their own distinct and individual entities that can feel taken for granted, neglected or abused due to a very subtle level of awareness that you can tune into if you take the time to listen.

They will respond to your, and your lover’s love and attention and reward you with heightened sensitivity and a feeling of the sacredness that lies within them that makes making love feel more than just having sex.

So how do you go about a bit of genital appreciation?

Allow 20 mins per person (use a timer if you wish)
If you are doing this with your lover you start with taking turns.

The person being appreciated lies down and exposes as much of their genitals as they feel comfortable with. The person doing the appreciation finds a comfortable position from which to view and casts their eyes on their lovers sexy bits with love and appreciation. The receiver just allows themselves to be viewed appreciatively. Then swap.

If you are by yourself you can use a mirror to view yourself with.Sounds pretty simple? Yes. Sounds pretty weird? Yes. Sounds pretty boring, too? Yes.

So when does it become beneficial?

When you go under the doing of the act and move into the being.

male groin Such is the power of our sex organs they can transport us into an expanded reality if we allow them.

You have to get really, really present with yourself and with them otherwise you’ll miss it..

It can be incredibly sensual and intimate.

Giver: Pause. Breathe. Drop into your own body. Rather then using your mind to to think and judge here just experience, as if nothing else exists. Let the shape, curve, length, roundness, softness etc draw you in. Breathe into your heart and open your subtle senses, notice what happens.

Receiver: Pause. Breathe. Drop into your body. Take your attention to your genitals and think of their shape, definition without judgment. Get really, really present with them, as if nothing else exists. Observe any embarrassment and breathe into it, give it love and it will fade. Go a little deeper and ‘sense’ them, do they feel,seem open, closed, happy, neglected, appreciated etc. Ask them if they have a message for you. Don’t think it, just wait and see what comes. Then just breathe and be. Let the love in.

When the time is up thank each other and swap over.
On completion spoon together for a few minutes then share your experience. Keep your words positive and descriptive as the vulnerability can be high.

Nb. For those purists who may consider these images too “sexualized” for a “spiritual” article we believe that love and enlightenment can be achieved through the body and its sexuality, rather than being kept separate from it. It can be hard to see in this age of sex image overwhelm but underneath this truth remains. If you’re not sure then try the exercise above.

For comment or further information contact us today on 1800 TANTRA or email here

What IS Tantric Touch?

September 9, 2015 By admin Leave a Comment

What makes Tantric Touch different to other kinds of touch?

Tantric touch is often spoken about as if it is something mysterious and special and that’s because it really is special!

Here we seek to explain how it differs from any other type of touch or massage you might receive.

Tantric Touch challenges our conditioning around pleasure

For a start tantric touch is different from others because it involves touch for purely for pleasure. Most touch we experience is for nurturing, comforting, playing or fixing sore muscles. Many of us still have negative conditioning around pleasure and this in itself takes receiving (and giving) touch for pleasure to a whole new place. For those of us who can recall being told not to touch ourselves in ways that felt good and usually “down there” by agitated grownups who, would immediately tell us this was on a good day, best to be kept private or on a bad day, we are bad or dirty for doing it. Yet how many of us continued to touch ourselves (albeit furtively) just because it felt good? When we did it was with associated guilt or shame, forever linking these two feelings with pleasure and creating much confusion in our psyche.

Some of us carry beliefs from religious, cultural or societal conditioning about pleasure not only being wrong or sinful, but it can also have scary consequences like pregnancy, disease, getting addicted or being labelled “a slut”. Or we may have been told we have to earn our rewards, or that somehow WE don’t deserve pleasure or even that it is better to give than receive.

So the very idea of receiving touch simply for pleasure can bring up any of this subconscious conditioning, leaving us deliciously excited or nervous and embarrassed. Tantric touch can be a deeply healing and loving experience, simply by the very fact that it challenges these parts that we hold in shadow.

Tantric Touch can involve our ‘Sexy bits’

In most kinds of therapeutic touch or massage the breasts and genitals are appropriately kept covered and separate. In Tantric touch these intimate parts of us are not seen as separate from the rest of the body and may be included (though this is not required), as Tantra is about moving beyond duality into union. This inclusion brings up even deeper layers of childhood conditioning for healing as mentioned above. Having said that Conscious Tantric touch can be totally delicious simply on someone’s face, shoulders, arm or leg!

There is an exchange of energy

In Tantra it is believed that we are not solid beings but vibrating energy bodies. Tantric Touch activates this energy and as it moves in the body it feels like pleasure. This energy (sex or spirit) moves between the giver and receiver so that neither one feels like they’re actually giving or receiving. The boundaries between them can become blurred, the connection deep and expanded.

We are more aware of ourselves

Tantric touch is touch without agenda, other than to be experienced fully. There is no focus on performance or orgasm, even if genitals are included. Both giver and receiver are fully in the moment and open to whatever happens. There is more space to feel pleasure, emotion, love, everything because all is welcome. In this space more thoughts can arise leading us to a greater awareness of Self, of what is going on under our surface. The challenge is to accept and let go of anything that is blocking us from being fully present.

We are not used to feeling extended pleasure

In Tantric touch there is more space for pleasure to arise without judgement. Most of the pleasure we feel either feels time limited, guilty and short lived. Or we have the desire DO something with the pleasure, to take it to some sort of completion, either orgasm or intercourse. In Tantric touch we breathe into the sensation of pleasure and enjoy it for what it is and that is all, knowing the pleasure in itself is healing, opening and nurturing in itself. We can choose to expand and prolong pleasure by surrendering deeper into our pleasure but never withholding it. This leads to an incredible sense of freedom and heightened states of feeling, connection and awareness.

We need to be fully connected to ourselves

Much regular touch is focussed on giving and receiving. In Tantric touch the focus is on ourselves as much as the other. We are fully present in the moment, breathing into our own heart and body without expectation, allowing the touch to flow rather than be technique based. The more present we are in ourselves, the more our partner will feel held and safe to surrender. Only then are we fully present with the other and simply exploring their body rather than trying to control or manipulate it.

The receiving is active

The receiver is not passively lying there being touched. They seek to open themselves to the touch by being in the moment, letting go of thoughts, of tension, resistance and any closedness in their hearts, mind and body. It is a surrender of their mind into their heart, body and soul. If emotions are felt they are received and honoured as much as pleasure.

The touch is conscious

Before touch is entered into there is a discussion and agreement about entering into this space of connection together. There is a focus on creating an atmosphere of safety and respect, with time and physical boundaries clear and without the use of ‘energetic consent’ ie. this is where the giver ‘senses’ the receiver wants something and gives or even takes without asking. This is too open to misinterpretation, if in doubt ask. Communication is vital for both partners. Remember that eye contact is a beautiful part of communication and is also a pathway for energy exchange so include plenty of it!

General Guidelines for Tantric Touch:

Begin by centreing into your own body, mind and heart, for the more centred you are the better it will be for both giver and receiver.

Pay attention to what your hands do as your palms and tips of your fingers are energy giving centres. Connect the energy circuit, allowing energy to move by having both hands, or some fingers from each of your hands on your partner’s body at the same time (a little like plugging the electrical cord into the socket). Move your heart energy through your hands as you touch. You can imagine this energy as a white light coming from your heart down through your arms and into your hands. Play with this, and remember where the mind (consciousness) goes the energy follows.

Give and receive with your touch by moving your hands at a pressure and speed that creates a tingling between your hand and your partner’s skin. Experiment to get the touch right. If it feels good to you then it will likely feel good to them.

Bring more consciousness into your touch. Let your hands energetically grow- visualize the light extending beyond your hands and fingers and into your partner’s body.

Run energy (or light) from your right hand through your partner into your left hand, then up through your heart and out your right hand, creating a circuit of energy. Giving your mind something to focus on stops it from wandering, increasing your level of presence, and ultimately the enjoyment of both giver and receiver.

Bring feeling and emotion into your touch: love, nurturing, compassion, as well as passion. Touch all chakras, front and back.

Any movement or touch, even greatly pleasurable ones, will lose its sensitivity if repeated continually. When you find a good area, leave it….and visit it often. Branch outward from it to another area. Unless it is just prior to orgasm then stay consistent and see what happens.

Always remember it is the brain which experiences the pleasure. The best techniques will give deeper results as the mind/body connection is opened. Each of the touch modalities has its Yin (soft) and Yang (firm) expression. Use both! The brain picks up more information, energy and healing when a yin stroke is followed by a yang one or vice versa.

As you touch them invite your partner to breathe in as if they are breathing in from a pool of love just beyond their feet, up through their body and out the top of their head. Then to breathe out from the pool of love just beyond their head down and out their feet. This washes their whole body with love.

10. Modalities:

Static touch (not moving) can be exquisite.

Moving touch, short strokes, circles, long strokes, spirals, sideway strokes and triangles.

Vibrating

Scratching.

Tapping/slapping.

Squeezing, including kneading and pinching.

Vary speed, depth, pressure and firmness of each touch, starting with light and slow.

Always check in continually as to how the receiver is enjoying a particular touch.
If they aren’t, don’t take it personally, just move on to something else.

For more on Tantric Touch click here

A Sexually Empowered Woman

August 29, 2015 By admin Leave a Comment

What Does a Sexually Empowered Woman Look Like?

This question came up after reflecting on my sexual journey over the years and writing it has stunned me to see all the benefits I have found in embracing this part of myself. I am not all of these all the time but I have definitely experienced many such moments of each.
Do any of them resonate with you?

A sexually empowered woman is: (in no particular order)

She is comfortable in her skin, in her body and at ease with who she is in the world.

Her self esteem is not related to men’s (or anyone’s) opinion of her.

She makes her own choices and does not need to conform to the roles required of her by others.

She has deep friendships with women and relates to them as sisters rather than competitors.

She is without the need to compete with other women for attention from men.

She can enjoy feelings of sexual arousal that may arise within her through contact with another knowing that she can fully embrace these feelings of warm, melting, tingling aliveness without needing to act on them , unless it is right for her to do so.

She doesn’t perform in sex , instead experiences it fully as an expression of herself, whoever she is in that moment- maiden, lover, wild woman, slut, healer, Goddess and many more.

She has her own inner moral code that she can trust without needing to rely on external rules of behaviour.

She buys clothes and lingerie to enjoy for herself rather than to impress or manipulate others.

She doesn’t have to dress sexy (although she can!) because she IS sex and she knows it.

She has an open heart that sees sex as an expression of love rather than being separate from it.

She is connected with her own body and is able to touch herself sensually, sexually and with love.

She releases shame from her body by owning it as an instrument of love and pleasure.

She doesn’t limit herself to genital pleasure but experiences it in every part of her body.

She nurtures it by eating well, exercising regularly and attending to its needs.

She has a relationship with the wisdom of her Yoni (vulva/vagina/womb) and takes the time to listen to Her messages.

She sees sexuality as a power within herself rather than a power over others to manipulate or dominate them with.

She knows the feeling of freedom that comes from within.

She experiences an expansion in herself as well as pleasure in her sex.

She is creative, playful, spontaneous and intuitive.

She will leave you feeling sated, energized, nurtured, inspired and loved.

She knows that love will arise in all moments of full presence in intimacy with another and accepts the magic of this without needing to attach any further meaning to it.

She chooses to breathe consciously when making love, to ground, connect and expand her awareness and pleasure.

She heart openly embraces her inner slut, not allowing the shame of her conditioning to stop her.

She is not afraid to talk about sex.

She knows there is a time for sex and time without it.

She is willing to feel everything– pleasure, emotion, bliss, pain and love for they are all pathways to herself.

She is not afraid to feel the pain of rejection.

She lets go the stories from her conditioning around sex knowing they come from shame and fear.

She is clear and respectful in her desires and boundaries. If she is not clear she will be willing talk to you about it.

She does not attract men who are abusive, controlling, manipulative, shaming, disempowered or otherwise unconscious as they are afraid to approach her clear, grounded power.

She is not afraid of having a good time, of creating a good time for all, not just for herself simply by being who she is.

She has a good understanding of her body from hours of practice in self pleasuring and is able to ask clearly for what she wants.

She doesn’t expect her lover to everything for her.

She is able to open herself in lovemaking and actively receive her lovers touch, increasing the pleasure for both.

She is able to greatly enjoy giving her lover pleasure without giving herself away.

She knows to nurture herself with her sexual energy by moving it up through her body where it nurtures and awakens her.

She is not afraid of intensity in her feelings.

She seeks to enjoy her yearnings and longings for another rather than suffer in them.

If she desires sex she becomes it, so there is no further need to desire.

She knows the power of sex to heal, nurture and awaken.

She sees sexuality as a part of spirituality, her very aliveness, part of the world’s big mystery.

She can equally participate in a really earthy fuck, a loving and gentle caress or moments of divine union. In fact she likes a little of each!

She comes to her partner as a loving equal wanting to share and create together.

She will demand a safe, respectful space to make love in and if she doesn’t feel safe she is willing to help create safety or leave where this is not possible.

She will not seek to own her lover and if she feels jealous she will see it is because she has stepped away from her connection with herself and will come back to herself again.

She will want you to go deep with her, as deep as she can go with herself.

She will want you to fuck her from an open heart, as that is what she will be doing with you.

She will be a Goddess not a Princess.

She IS radiant beauty and power.

She can have one lover or many but she will make it a choice.

She will crack your heart open with her capacity for vulnerability and surrender- to her own heart and to you.

If you crack she will hold you with the utmost presence and tenderness making it a moment of safety, love and joy.

She will be fully in relationship with herself, her sexuality and with love.

She will give to you, teach and change you just through being who she is, through bringing light to your own darkness.

If you would like to add more layers to your own sexual journey contact Annette on 1800 TANTRA or email here

Or join her for this event in Brisbane on Sept 5th

Men Is your sex life boring?

June 18, 2015 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Men-

Do you somehow feel like you’re missing out on a little sexual something? Like there should be more to it than this? Is your sex life boring? Maybe your orgasms and/or erections aren’t as enjoyable or reliable as they used to?

Especially if you’re with a woman who is writhing in multi orgasmic waves of pleasure as you hold back to watch her with joy yet more than a little envy?

Does it seem like the results with new toys, extra porn and even a little BDSM are disappointing despite all the hype?

Well, don’t despair all is not lost, there is more than you are currently experiencing. You too can glimpse the infinite world of pleasure and even ecstasy that are like glimpsing into the 100 billion galaxies reported by NASA to exist in the universe.

And the first step is to claim more of your own pleasure. Not just in those final few seconds but the whole way through. You are so good at giving and being there for your lover but it is no longer your job to simply wait until they’ve had their share. Why not join in in more of your own?

Men who have learned to experience deep pleasure really know that not only does it feel amazing but is heart opening as well as body and soul nurturing for both himself AND his lover.

Ejaculation for the man has long been viewed as the natural completion of sex, his biological need to release sperm in order to procreate and the pleasure that came with it was automatic. So in this way man’s sexual pleasure has been covert, unlike a woman whose sexual pleasure is largely separate to her ability to procreate and she’s had to claim it for herself, he hasn’t yet had to, until now. So much more is possible for you!

In today’s society sex (at least in the west) has become freer, less procreation and more pleasure based (leaving aside the intimacy and connection factor in sex for now). With this focus women’s pleasure has rightly become more important and more achievable. Yet somehow man’s pleasure (and his potency) has become less, sadly with men reporting feeling selfish, even shameful if focussing on his own pleasure, so he emotionally disconnect from his partner and disappear in order to be able to feel pleasure rather than shame. Because of this he often derives more satisfaction in helping his lover come than in feeling his own pleasure. His few moments of ‘coming’, his greatest point of feeling pleasure feels frustratingly limited to him allowing boredom to set in. In reality he is capable of multiple orgasms and a choice in coming or not…

One of the challenges in being a man is believing you have to be the good provider and are therefore responsible for your partner’s pleasure is that in doing so you are coming from your conditioning rather than from what is possible. Your lover is actually responsible for creating their own pleasure. Yes, you can help by being there but it doesn’t mean you have to give up yourself in the process.

And your conditioning may even tell you that for you to be a good lover you need to be totally there for your partner as the more pleasure they have the better lover you’ll be. The challenge with this is that you are putting your rewards in your lover’s hands and setting yourself up for failure. Rely on her pleasure too often and she’ll feel manipulated, like she has to perform to make you feel good about yourself- if she either doesn’t want to disappoint you or she is pissed of about being in this position- she’ll bring out the time honoured fake orgasm.

When a man gives himself permission to really feel his own pleasure it allows him to feel more connected to himself and significantly reduces the pressure to perform that he often feels during love making, reducing his fear of failure and transforming his intimate connection into something truly magical.

Despite his conditioning it is not selfish for a man to let go of striving for the end goal and take the time to slow down and feel more along the way in lovemaking, in fact it is vital. For when a man is more familiar with feeling his pleasure it means he is more present and more in his body, inviting more potency, allowing pleasure to arise rather than having to force it.

Any man who chooses to be present in his body will open up to the full potential of pleasure during the whole love making session, rather than just his usual few seconds at the end. It’s the beginning of his ability to become multiply orgasmic if he desires. With practice this allows a man to be more present with his lover as well as his pleasure, no matter how intense. His lover will eat this up!

When a man understands that women actually enjoy feeling a man feeling his pleasure as it means she can feel more of him open and connected to her (similar to him enjoying feeling her pleasure) he can do so more easily without disappearing.

Taking responsibility for his own pleasure takes away the burden of having to ‘provide’ his partner with theirs whilst he is missing out. This takes away the subtle (and not so subtle) manipulations that can occur in trying to make his pleasure happen through the other person, allowing more intimacy and authenticity = even more pleasure.

Feeling himself and being at ease in his own pleasure allows him to enjoy that place in himself where he just loves to give from, with the giving coming direct from his heart- It’s truly yummy for the receiver!

When he’s connected with himself he will automatically be more aware of the subtleties of his experience and where his partner is at. It makes him less reliant on ‘technique’ and more available to intuitive understanding which is much juicier.

Both lovers benefit from the resonance in the matching energy vibrations of pleasure, where the pleasure in his body literally invites the pleasure in theirs to awaken, creating more pleasure for both.

And lastly, both open to the possibility of a more intimate, loving and deeper connection that happens through being embodied and available in your feelings, senses, emotions and pleasure that needing to perform for the other takes away. It offers glimpses into the mystery beyond getting it right and fearing failure.

So what do you do if you’re not totally focussing on your lover, trying to hold off or really going for your few seconds of pleasure?

Choose to believe you are worthy as a person even without having any external goals to achieve.
Know your pleasure is as vital to lovemaking as your lovers, the whole way through not just at the end.
Make your goal getting present and connected with yourself and open to pleasure.
Practice being present in your own body by having your attention focused inside of you until you can be aware of yours first, then include your lovers. Self pleasuring, especially with your other hand on your heart, is great for helping you learn this.
Touch your own lingam (penis, cock) at times to connect with yourself and your own feelings. You don’t have to wait for your lover to do so. Mix up the touching with your body and theirs until you really get this. With practice it will become effortless.
BREATHE deeper and slower. Mouth breathe (especially on exhalation).
Slow down, be more in the moment, feel yourself, sexually and even emotionally.

Here you have it men, the more you let go of performing and feel your pleasure the more present and connected you will be to yourself. The more your lover will feel you. The more relaxed (yet excited), nurtured and satisfied both of you will feel.

And by the way, even though we do it for different reasons women who feel driven to perform can benefit from following the above steps as well…

If your sex life is boring and you want to find out more about how to change it call 1800 TANTRA or click here

The ABC of Coming Together!

April 6, 2015 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

The ABC of Coming Together

Two people scaling the heights of their sexual pleasure reaching the ultimate peak of togetherness by ‘coming’ at the same time…

That’s not what we’re talking about.

We’re talking about something much more important.

Not the ABC AIRWAY, BREATHING & CIRCULATION resuscitation technique but something equally life sustaining:

ATTENTION, BREATH & CONNECTION- The No. 1 technique to transform your relationship

-The coming together of your mind and body!

Much of the time we walk around disconnected from ourselves only half alive, half available, living in our heads with facts more highly valued over feelings. Our culture supports and validates this way of being. We cram more and more information in our heads from so called experts external to ourselves but what are we actually doing with it?

Living this way we’re disconnected from the reality of our physical form, as well as our feeling and other subtle realms, whether you believe in them or not that help create the magic in life and relationship. It leads us to THINK our feelings rather than authentically FEEL them. Feelings are not facts but they are an important part of our communication and survival systems and literally the juice in life and relationships.

For what are happiness, joy, love, connection, excitement, freedom, peace, pleasure and bliss but feelings??

This disconnection inside of us makes it harder to know who WE are AND how to really connect with another.

This simple ABC practice is about coming into union with YOURSELF.

Pause.
Take your ATTENTION from your thoughts to your body.
Use your mind to notice what you are experiencing- feeling your body sitting, standing or lying, along with any physical sensations of relaxation, tension, heat, cold, tingling etc you can notice.
BREATHE consciously, slightly deeper than normal.

Conscious Breathing connects mind and body.

Scan your body and CONNECT with what is happening inside of it, especially your chest, belly and throat. Notice any more subtle sensations such as heaviness, lightness, tension, butterflies, anxiety, frustration, peace, happiness etc. It can help to place one hand on your belly and the other on your chest. You may also experience nothing, and nothing is still something.
Stay present with this for a few moments, allow whatever is there just to be there exactly as it is with acceptance. This is known as ‘witnessing’ your feelings- keeping your attention on them, breathing into them, experiencing them exactly as they are without suppressing or accelerating them.
If it helps, name the feeling to yourself but avoid going into a story about what the feeling means as this will take you away from it. There is nothing to do here other than dropping into this experience.

Welcome home. This is you coming together experiencing yourself more fully. Centred in yourself. Self aware. Comfortable or not, from this place both life and relationships work.

Usually we don’t notice our bodies until they let us know they are there by some kind of malfunction or pain. If you get familiar with the pain it will no longer control you. If you check in when there is no pain you get to know more of what amazing feelings you’re capable of and strengthen the relationship between you, your body and yourself.

Practice Coming Together Regularly

Whenever you have a moment. The more you say yes to your body the more it will say yes to you.

In the beginning you may need to stop and close your eyes to do this. With practice you can do it with your eyes open (and without using your hands) anywhere, anytime no matter what is happening around you- in a meeting, on a run, having a shower, making love.

Emotions Eek!

For those of you who shy away from the idea of feelings this is not about inviting a melodrama of emotion into your life, rather inviting you closer to reap the true benefits from them.

For those of you who live in a world full of often overwhelming emotions this is not about creating more intensity rather giving you control over the ones you already have, developing some emotional intelligence and win/win successes in your relationship.

The benefits of your ABC practice and your mind/body relationship will continue to unfold through the rest of your life.

Why do people get in to Tantra?

September 23, 2013 By admin Leave a Comment

People get into Tantra for many and varied reasons:

As you can see Tantra is multi-dimensional and has much to offer those seeking healing in their relationships, intimacy and sexuality. Some of the reasons people choose Tantra are: People get into tantra to heal sexual shame

To acknowledge our sexuality

This may be as simple as giving ourselves permission to have sexual feelings without making them wrong, allowing ourselves to experience total, blissful happiness, with fully alive bodies. This allows us to reclaim a part of ourselves which we may have kept hidden in ignorance, fear, guilt, shame or in the need to perform.

Many people describe the experience of bringing their sexuality out of the closet as a coming home to who they really are, of becoming ‘whole’.

To enhance lovemaking

Understand sex good for you as it reduces tension and stress, produces chemicals that enhance bonding and wellbeing, boosts immunity, keeps you fit, stimulates hormonal balance, with pleasure reducing chronic inflammation- the source of many disease processes. But it takes a minimum of 30mins for us to get the full benefits of these hormonal shifts so become a master of your sexuality rather than a slave. In learning the ‘secrets’ of tantric sex, including the Cosmic Cobra Breath, participants learn to make love for longer through a combination of relaxation and arousal rather than just stimulation, allowing greater pleasure, intimacy and heart connection. Stop performing and start enjoying.

Men learn to slow down, eliminating performance anxiety, whilst containing their energy and building to a greater level of intensity and pleasure. Women learn to relax and open, taking the time to let go of their social conditioning not to feel sexual, and enjoying their innate capacity for ecstasy. Sex at this level is healing for the body, mind and soul.

To heal relationship problems

Tantra involves learning skills in trust and intimacy, to allow ourselves to be really seen by our partner. It involves being fully present with them, communicating with our hearts open, our egos dissolved, and seeing them as an aspect of the Divine. Couples learn how to be real with each other and find the magic in this, rather than looking for the unsustainable Hollywood fantasy. We also look at integrating our masculine and feminine aspects and as we consciously play with these polarities our capacity for love and pleasure is deepened. We believe this is one reason to seek and maintain a conscious, committed relationship both with ourselves and our partner. Our couples only Ecstasy and Intimacy Retreat supports couples to experience greater levels of connection, joy, love and pleasure.

For Personal Growth

Tantra begins with love of the self. Any doubts, fears, guilt or shame we may have about ourselves manifest in the body as emotional energy blocks.

These blocks include our core issues – our childhood wounds and limiting behaviour patterns.

Intimate relationship and sexuality are both powerful pathways to our wounded Inner Child who unconsciously controls our adult selves, keeping us in fear and contraction, limiting our capacity to relate in a healthy manner. When we heal our Inner Child they can be a never ending source of spontaneity and fun, a real bonus to creating lively relationship and rewarding sex!

In Tantra we work with clearing the emotional energy pathways of the body by bringing awareness to these issues and allowing them to heal. This practice enhances our capacity for self acceptance and love and opens us to more opportunities to experience bliss.

For Spiritual Growth

As it becomes more apparent that the satisfaction of our material desires does not bring us more peace, love and true contentment, more and more people are seeking to experience that which is beyond the material.

Practicing the four principles of Tantra:

coming into the present moment
opening our hearts
dissolving our attachment to our ego and
merging with the Divine within

This allows us to have a direct experience of our spirituality, opening us to love, happiness, gratitude, intuition and wisdom. We feel the magic of our life force energy more readily, creating opportunities for bliss – both in lovemaking and in life.

Regular experiences of bliss allow us to approach life with gratitude and enthusiasm, motivated by love rather than fear. Our Weekend Workshops [insert link] assist with more awareness and skills for Tantric lovemaking.

For improved Health and Wellbeing

Tantra takes a holistic approach, encouraging deep breathing, relaxation, meditation and clearing of emotional energy blocks in the body. The result is decreased stress levels and consequently the decrease of many stress related illnesses. Making love on a regular basis is widely believed to have significant health benefits.

More effective communication and intimacy skills result in more resilience in relationships. Improved self esteem results in a greater level of self efficacy. Living in the present moment where life actually happens makes life more vibrant and facilitates the making of conscious choices.

More experiences of happiness and gratitude allow us to become more accepting of ourselves and others.

There is much to be gained in a closer look at your sexuality. It is a lifelong love affair.

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