Spirituality Archives - Relationship & Sexuality Counselling Specialists

Reclaiming Your Feminine Power- For Men too!

July 28, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Fleeing flat, stressed, tired or merely uninspired?

You may be lacking in your feminine power…

Here we show you why and how it can work for you… Feminine Power in Tantra is freedom

Please note, this article on feminine power is not just for women, men who are also wanting to lift their burdens of stress, disillusion, lack of inspiration and level of fun and fulfilment in your lives read on…it’s not about being more feminine, just more whole…

In my recent Power of Yoni workshop, I was once again blown away by how truly amazing women, and their bodies can be. In this 4 ½ day weekend we spend a lot of time reconnecting with our bodies, our feelings, our self-awareness, our sensual and sexual selves and the innate power of who we are as women and the results are stunning! There is a radiant beauty about feminine power- a woman loving, trusting and connecting with herself and her body that cannot be recreated by any amount of makeup or photoshopping. The women themselves were also surprised by just who they are when they give themselves permission, to step out of their fears, limitations and their social conditioning.

No longer a place?

So often in today’s world it can seem like there is no place for the traditional values of the feminine but I can affirm they are as attractive as ever. And our sexuality is such a vital part of woman. Not merely through the act of sex but in her aliveness, her creativity, spontaneity, beauty and even her wildness. A woman owning her sexual self reeks juiciness and power in her own unique way- whether this is soft and loving, exuberant and fun, open and giving, wanton and abandoned or intuitive and wise. These are all part of the feminine gifts. Breathe

What does your own conditioning bring to mind when you think of feminine qualities? We’re definitely not talking about the good little woman at home here, aka The Stepford Wife, with no power, voice or substance of her own but someone quite different. The feminine in its essence is not afraid to speak straight, be seen and heard. She doesn’t allow fears of being abandoned or alone to prevent her from speaking up for herself and others as she knows she will always be in connection with herself and be able to renew connection with others. She doesn’t resort to playing games of covertness and manipulation because she is not afraid to be seen and to manifest what she needs. She gives of herself but not at the expense of herself. She is compassionate and loves nurturing others, giving the same to herself.

Now is the time…

suicide thinking There has never been a time when the gifts of the feminine are more needed. Western women are currently experiencing adrenal fatigue and emotional burnout in record numbers. As we rush constantly forward into more, bigger, better, harder and more competitive, even war like it can be easy to lose touch with our softness, openness, trust, vulnerability, radiant beauty and joyful sexual magnetism. We can even begin to regard these qualities as weak, or less than the external power of the intellect, achievement and outward success.

Power Within

We try to gain our power from our woundedness, resulting in a never ending war with men, treating them and therefore ourselves with disrespect and disdain leaving us wondering where all the good men have gone. When we claim the strength and beauty of our hearts instead of overly protecting them the good men will show up! Perhaps not in the Hollywood perfection our ego’s might desire but in a realness and loving that will be more than you can dream of. Empowering Sexuality

This may sound pretty full on but I can assure you, there is little more powerful than a room full of women discovering these very parts of themselves. It’s a power that would have many externally driven folk running for cover. This power isn’t about power over anyone else, it is power within ourselves. We find this power by connecting with our inner selves. Not in some mystical woo woo way but in a concrete, step by step process. It’s a process more and more women are recognizing is necessary for them to survive and thrive in our busy, controlling, achieving worlds.

This power is not about the pushing yourself to go further, be better, try harder ethos we are burning ourselves out through, but a gentler, wiser process of awareness, nurture and awakening. Where we stop making ourselves wrong- women don’t need anyone else to make us wrong we’re so good at it ourselves!

Coming home to ourselves is finding our power

When we take the time to connect with ourselves it is like coming home to who we really are- a body, heart, soul and spirit as well as an intellectual mind. We come away feeling relaxed, nurtured, more open and authentic, even playful, not to mention Experience healing through Grace sensual and magnetic, more easily attracting our desires to us rather than having to strive for them. We find our inner magic, our spirituality that lives directly in our bodies, as surprising as this may sound. We also find ourselves more confident, assertive, dynamic, creative, sexy and spontaneous. And guys, which ones amongst you would not like to find more of this in your lives, for these qualities live inside you as well? Not just in a woman but also in your hard working, over taxed and straight jacketed selves?

So how do we connect with ourselves and our bodies and find these gifts?
So we’ll have more of ourselves to share with the world…

Practice acknowledging your perfect imperfection. Say to yourself daily “I am whole, desiring and desirable.” Even if you feel fat, ugly, powerless and worthless do it anyway. See your resistance come up and just let it go, don’t be willing to play into its game any longer. Just be ok with who you are. Doing this daily for 6 weeks has been shown to increase our overall self-esteem. The more you believe this the more you will readily seek to change the areas in you that are not working the way you would like them to. From a desire to discover more of you rather than a need to fix yourself.
Take some time for yourself to connect, to be IN your body as we need to balance the amount of time we spend in our intellect and come back to it renewed. Yes, I know this is not easy but just 10-20 minutes a day will make a difference. Time to say YES to yourself without needing to be there for others. In your 10-20 mins sit somewhere comfortably (preferably in your special place if you can create one, even if it’s just draping a special fabric over your chair, cushion or yourself). Stop, breathe deeply, exhaling out through your mouth and simply noticing your thoughts and letting them go. Not trying to avoid thinking, as this is the way to madness, just noticing them and letting them go. Becoming aware of your body and then what you’re feeling within it. Just allowing whatever you find to be there. If you find discomfort, make this ok and see if it changes with acceptance. Accepting our feelings is paramount to accepting ourselves.
Listen to your body’s messages. Notice when you are feeling hungry, thirsty, tired, sore etc and DO something about it. We are so good at pushing ourselves sometimes we’ll even put off going for a pee for hours! Our bodies are smart, they know what they need it’s up to us to listen, for the more we listen to them the more our bodies will give back to us in wellness and ease. This is especially true in taking breaks. Take a break not only when your boss says you can or the clock strikes 10am, take one whenever your body tells you to. Even just going for a walk around the office or the street, standing up and doing some stretches. If you’re at home put on some music and have a dance or put your barefeet on the grass. Our creativity stops if we push ourselves past our limits: the best thing you can do is take a short break and let your motivation and creativity flow again. Even workplaces like Google encourage this.
Connect to your heart. Literally take your awareness to your heart and notice what it is feeling. Breathe life into it. Again accept and allow what you find. Let its love radiate literally inside you, filling yourself up rather than forcing yourself to always give it out to others. Ask your heart a question, something about yourself or life you would like to know and listen quietly for the answer. Our hearts are infinitely wise and just waiting for us to listen.
Give yourself more rest. Women are cyclical beings and like the moon and the seasons we have periods of productivity eg. spring/summer and full moons. We also have periods of regenerative rest like winter and the dark moon. Just because we now have artificial light doesn’t mean we have to be “on” all the time.
In your moments of giving to, or doing for others be fully present and mindful, fully enjoy the experience of giving from your heart, for if it’s not from your heart it’s not worth doing. Feel the joy of your devotion so you receive whilst you are giving, a complete surrender that makes the hardest task seem like a gift. Then you’ll come back to yourself renewed rather than drained. You’ll also sense when it is enough, for both yourself and them.
Practice setting your boundaries. To conserve your energy and nurture yourself sometimes you might need to say NO here and there, especially if saying no is hard for you. How can you give energy that you don’t have, or that is blocked from resentment? Sometimes we need to say no before we can say a full YES! It is not selfish but being centred in yourself.
Nurture your sensual and sexual energies as these are drivers of your enthusiasm and spontaneity in life. Take a moment to check out these sensual suggestions from our recent blog on “Women Aren’t Losing Interest”. Play with with your pelvic floor muscles, these muscles are drivers of your sexual life force energy. Sit with a rolled up towel between your legs (or you can sit with your heel tucked in there) and practice squeezing and releasing these muscles you use to pee with. Make sure you fully relax them between each squeeze. Inhale as you squeeze, exhale as you release. Imagine you’re squeezing and releasing a big pool of energy that lives in your pelvis.
Become aware of your hips as you walk. Exaggerate the swing from hip to hip. Feel your hips and legs connecting to the ground underneath you as you walk. Breathe. Exaggerate the swing a little more, really get into this part of your body, own your sexual self and it will pay you back in spades. Do it for yourself not anyone else. The more you own your sexual self the more power you will have in feeling its pleasure and attracting the attention you want rather than the attention you don’t.
Don’t get lost in playing the game of goal or orgasm directed sex. There is so much more to enjoy, and so many other feelings and things to experience that one “O”. Not that orgasms are bad (heaven forbid!), it’s just that if they are your only sexual focus you will miss out on so many other experiences that begin more subtly but become equally powerful! Invite your man there with you.

If you would like to experience more of this part of you come along and join me at m next Power of Yoni event Nov 2-6 where we pull all of this together and much more…

Best Ever Relationship Tool!

December 6, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

It’s breathing!

You’ve probably never thought about breathing as a relationship tool, but it is a powerful one.

Not to mention all the benefits breathing has to offer you as an individual, apart from the obvious one of keeping you alive!

Breathing In is the first thing we do when we’re born. Woman breastfeeding

Breathing out is the last thing we do before we die.

And the way we breathe in between not only keeps us alive, it has a significant impact on our quality of life in between…

Maybe you’ve noticed how your breath changes depending on how you feel: short and shallow when you’re stressed, deeper and slower when you’re relaxed. Your breath changes when you yawn, sigh, cry or laugh. Not only that but you can change how you feel by actively changing your breath.

We invite you to fall in love with breathing…

This alone will change your relationship! And the exciting thing about quality breathing is that it’s effects are cumulative- the more you do it the quicker and more longer lasting the impact.

From a relationship point of view breathing can:

Awareness of our breathing connects us to ourselves. This is a good thing as the more we’re connected to ourselves the more we have to share with another.
Deep breathing helps us get relaxed, present and grounded, making it easier for us to know what to say and to hear what our significant other is really saying!
Help move emotions through our bodies, avoiding stuckness and mental drama. The more we breathe the more we feel, release and shift.
Increase access to our intuitive wisdom and our heart’s truth as well as bring mental clarity.
Accelerated breathing increases our sexual pleasure, deep slow breathing spreads it through our bodies, producing altered states and even spiritual experiences!

Research shows that breathing does a lot more too!

Amongst other things breathing:

Decreases stress and promotes relaxation
Helps to decrease anxiety and depression
Increases happiness and optimism
Increases self awareness
Improves focus and concentration
Improves sleep
Strengthens our ability to regulate our emotions
Improves symptoms of trauma
Reduces impulsivity, cravings and addictions
Decreases stress and regulates our body’s level of cortisol, the stress hormone
Strengthens our immunity by altering the genes responsible for them
Reduces pain and activation of the pain centres in the brain
Improves digestion
Oxygenates muscles for better function
Detoxifies and releases toxins, removes carbon dioxide from the blood, replacing it with oxygen

Someone who is less stressed and depressed, more aware, happier, thinks clearer, sleeps well, regulates their emotions, isn’t ruled by addictions, stress or pain with a healthy tummy and fitter body would be much easier to be in relationship with, don’t you agree?

So take a pause and breathe…

Breathing mindfully can also help your relationship by helping you become less reactive. Can you imagine if instead of saying something mean, you were able to mentally step back and chill before talking? Wouldn’t that be nice? If the state of your mind affects the breath the reverse is true as well and here’s how it can help your relationship. The next time you’re arguing with your partner try taking longer, deeper breaths. Notice how that can quickly reduce anger and connect us with ourselves, allow us to look at the situation from a new perspective.

And last but not least breathing is a natural aphrodisiac

It helps us be more present with our lovers and will not only spread your pleasure into a more full bodied experience whilst increasing the intensity of your orgasm and build sexual stamina.

Falling in love with your breath will help you fall deeper and stay in love with your partner, with yourself and with life!

Breathing Activity:

An optimal breath comes by breathing deeply in through your nose into your belly, allowing your belly to fill, expanding up into your chest and exhaling through a slightly open mouth.

Try practicing breathing (mindfully) as often as you can remember.

Put up little notes around the house, at your computer, on your dashboard, in your meditation, when you exercise, getting ready for sleep, helping you wake up, put a breathing reminder app on our phone, anywhere and everywhere…

Go To Hot Relationship Topics

Intimacy: What Actually Is It?

May 17, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

What Actually Is Intimacy?

It is a word that brings up desire, fear, hurt or confusion, there are generally no neutral responses to it.

If you look in the dictionary for the meaning of the word intimacy there are many more words given trying to explain it: a ‘close familiarity or friendship’, a cosy and private or relaxed atmosphere or ‘the intimacy between a husband and wife’. It’s a closeness, togetherness, attachment, connection, warmth, affection, warm feelings, love, affinity and understanding. Yet it is even much more than this…

Did you know there are at least 13 different types of intimacy?

The Different Levels of Intimacy:

Intellectual Intimacy–
The sharing of mutual or even opposing ideas in an atmosphere of openness that brings a feeling of mutual appreciation, warmth and enjoyment.
Practical Intimacy-
The sharing of physical tasks that requires co operation and brings a sense of solidarity, of being on the same team working towards a common goal, offering us sense of place and achievement.
Physical Intimacy-
Sharing physical connection between our bodies. This can be as simple as sitting next to each other on the couch, holding hands, lying together with arms holding each other. It can involve active touch or complete stillness. It may or may not include genitals.
Sensual Intimacy-
Sharing our bodies through touch with a desire to experience the sensations as they arise, without any attachment to an outcome, just being in the moment. It may or may not include our genitals.
Sexual Intimacy-
Sharing our thoughts, desires and/or physical bodies, including genitals, usually with the intent to create sexual pleasure, and often though not always, orgasm.
Enmeshed Intimacy-
Where we experience a sense of no separation between ourselves and the other person, their feelings and thoughts become our own and we cease to exist. We need the presence of the other to experience ourselves, similar to what we experienced, if we were lucky, in the first few months of life with our mother in an atmosphere of love and safety and where we all long to go back to. If we weren’t lucky enough to experience it at some level we’re always looking to do so. We can experience this in the early days of a new relationship, when we are so in love and open to each other it feels like there is a blissful sense of no separation. It can feel good to the one who is lost in the other but is generally uncomfortable for the one on the receiving end and is not healthy on a long term basis. As adults we need to move on from this childlike sense of intimacy and find ourselves more fully. We can also be intimately enmeshed with our beliefs, our family, our culture, community and society, unaware of how we give ourselves away to these parts of life.
Isolated Intimacy-
A state where we are in fear of intimacy with ourselves or another. We minimize the amount we feel by focussing on our thoughts, by keeping busy and putting our attention on things outside of our inner reality. We trust rational knowledge and what we can see over the unknown realm of feelings and value being in control over connection with another. If we do feel we mostly feel loneliness.
Personal Intimacy-
Sharing connection with ourselves where we listen to our own thoughts and feel our own bodies and feelings fully. We’re comfortable with our inner reality, our intuitive wisdom as well as our intellectual understandings. We experience a sense of wholeness or completeness in ourselves, separate to yet not apart from everyone or everything else, capable of empathy and compassion without losing ourselves. We start to take ownership of our own beliefs, values and responsibilities rather than remaining in enmeshment with those of others.
Emotional & Heart Connected Intimacy-
Sharing our personal thoughts and feelings about ourselves, about who we each are and what we are experiencing, with empathy and compassion for both ourselves and our partners. The deeper we open our hearts the more fully we experience this kind of intimacy. This is where we start to see behind our masks and take chances of being fully seen in our naked humanity. It’s where we start to get messy, creating the cracks where the light gets in. Up until this stage we’ve been able to keep our cool exterior in place yet now our imperfections need to show. It is these very cracks that create the sense of deeper togetherness, with a feeling of connection and shared experience. Despite our illusions about intimacy this stage is not always pretty as we reveal ourselves and our Shadows come out to play. This is the stage of intimacy we love to hate! It is important to balance this kind of intimacy with intimacy with ourselves to be able to stay grounded in it.Our Hearts have a multitude of talents and is much more powerful than we give it credit for – it is a place of painful feelings, a place for healing our pain as well as a place of rest, love and inner safety. It is where our Ego self meets our Higher or Whole self, so it is both messy and a portal to Spirit.
Energetic Intimacy: This is where we ‘sense’ or perceive where another person is at, beyond what we can logically see. We need to be very present with or aware of ourselves to sense another. We can exchange this through talking about our experience or we can take it a few steps further. Using our minds, breath and energy bodies we can create experiences of intimate energetic exchange and unity with another. Tantra is famous for these kinds of practices.
Soul Intimacy: We experience this most commonly through eye gazing. Trite but true, the eyes really are the windows to our souls- our soul being the human part of us regarded as immaterial. Our eyes allow this inner reality to be glimpsed by another. It is a very vulnerable act to allow another to see us up this close and why you’ll find it is quite a precious gift to share with another. Even if it is just at the supermarket checkout- meeting the sales person directly in the eye with a clear hello or thankyou can make their day. Eye contact is a powerful yet increasingly rare commodity.
Spiritual Intimacy-
A sense of being with another person, or with what we believe to be God or Spirit in a moment of timelessness and boundarylessness, where time and separateness cease to exist.Our sense of ourselves becomes pure awareness and feeling, ‘we’ still exist yet have a oneness with everything that is, including God or Spirit. In this heightened state we have no awareness of anything outside of the present moment, or of any personal needs. Spiritual intimacy is often experienced in sex, eye gazing, meditation, prayer and other religious experiences.
Ego-lessness-
Where we go beyond the boundaries of who we think we are into the experience of being pure bliss and freedom, most commonly experienced through moments of deep heart openness, meditation and orgasm. Westill retain awareness of ourselves in the experience.
No-thingness-
Where we go beyond our sense of having a personal Self and in fact the only way we know we have experienced it is when we come back and understand we’ve been ‘somewhere else’. It has a different quality to the nothingness to sleep and we feel ‘altered’ by the experience.

Each Level of Intimacy is powerful in its own right and one is not better or less than another. In fact they are most powerful in concert with other levels. It is helpful to understand how the different levels interact in our relating with another.

Sharing Intimacy at the level of our Ego self.

Intimacy Levels 1-7 are related to our Ego Self, our personality or who we think we are. This means we can exchange information, stories, laughs, pleasure, love and more from a place where we seek to be comfortable and generally remain in control. Problems are solved at an intellectual level of understanding and negotiation. These levels also contain aspects of the Shadow Self, the part of us that fear, fight, hide, manipulate and all the other delicious ways we can interact without much awareness.

Intimacy Levels 1-7 + 8-9 are the ones related to our Intimate Relationships.

In relating with another we can experience each of these levels of Intimacy, either separately or together. For example we can be connected Intellectually, Physically and Sexually with or without Emotional & Heart Connected Intimacy. We can connect Intellectually and Sexually through sharing a sexual fantasy with no physical connection. We can connect Emotionally and Intellectually without any physical or sexual connection. The more levels we combine the more Intimacy we experience.

When we become more aware and comfortable in Personal Intimacy we can trust ourselves and have the courage to experience Emotional Intimacy with others. Because both the risks AND the level of awareness is higher Emotional Intimacy it can seem scary and painful and we have a tendency to make it and ourselves wrong in it. We’re dancing between the Ego that wants to be in control, protected and safe vs the beginnings of our Whole Self or Higher Self that is comfortable being outside of control, attachment and expectation, finding safety from within. It is here we risk dropping our Ego masks and being seen for who we authentically are without collapsing.

Emotional & Heart Intimacy can be messy, that’s the very nature of it. It’s the crack where the light gets in. In this place it is OK to make mistakes, in fact taking risks and making mistakes is how we learn here rather than from a book. This path seems the most difficult in the beginning and most of us struggle here but once the skills are learned the benefits are profound and every step you take in its direction has rewards. Problems here can be addressed at multidimensional levels. It is a lifetime journey to get comfortable in Personal and Emotional Intimacy. Starting with Personal Intimacy is vital, then gentle and slowly more challenging areas of Emotional and Heart Connected Intimacy because afterall, isn’t sharing with others the biggest part of being human??

The Heart is a place of painful feelings, a place for healing our pain as well as a place of rest, love and inner safety. It is where our Ego self meets our Higher or Whole self, so it is both messy and a portal to Spirit.

Energetic and Soul Intimacy cross the line between human and what lies within our unseen places. We begin experiencing them from our humanness but they can take us beyond it. For example in Energetic Intimacy moving your energies together can bring a feeling of total immersion in each other even without physical contact. In eye gazing you can notice your pattern changing in their facial expressions- becoming a young child or someone ageless, or a feeling on oneness with them.

Intimacy Levels 10-12 are related to Spirit

Experiences of Egolessness are helpful in that they show us we are more than who we think we are and so make it easier to let go of attachment to our personality masks, to our fears and limitations. They are a place to visit for this reason, they’re not somewhere we need to permanently stay. We are here having a human experience and these experiences are tools for the journey rather than the journey itself.

Qualities required to experience more intimacy in your relationship:

Understanding of the process
Beginnings of Personal Intimacy
Courage to practice engaging at different levels
Trust in yourself
A willingness to go first, if you’re the one seeking intimacy
A willingness to be vulnerable and the understanding it is a pathway to connection
Ability to discern appropriate levels of intimacy depending on the given situation
An ability to self validate- to be ok with yourself even if the other person disagrees with you
An ability to self soothe- to feel ok to meet your own needs if the other person is unable to meet you where you are at
Empathy or compassion for the other if they are in a different place to you

Exploration Activity:

Consider which Levels of Intimacy you currently engage in?
Which ones do you value most?
Which would you like to experience more of?
Would you be willing to start exploring intimacy with yourself?
Would you be willing to take small steps into greater Emotional Intimacy, despite its messiness?

If so, begin with these questions:

What happens when your partner gets really close – do you feel happy or uncomfortable?
What happens when they move away- do you feel relief or stressed, even rejected or abandoned?
Were you aware of/comfortable when your parents showed physical affection with each other?
Were you well nurtured and held as a baby?
What was intimacy like when you were growing up?
Did you all sit around the dinner table one big happy family?
Did everyone get a chance to be heard?
Was physical touch encouraged in a healthy way?
Were personal boundaries encouraged and respected?
Did you socialize together or do your own thing?
Were you enmeshed with one or both parents- not allowed to be an individual with your own separate thoughts, feelings, beliefs, opinions, hobbies?
Or were you a surrogate spouse for one of them- bearing the brunt of their emotional needs and finding intimacy a burden?
How comfortable are you in eye contact with another?
Can you receive touch without it needing to be sexual?
Can you engage in emotional intimacy during sex? Do you prefer not to?
Can you engage in purely sensual play without needing it to become sexual?
Is meditation a part of your life? Would you be open to the possibility?
What does the idea of intimacy with God or Spirit bring up for you?

Each of these experiences will determine your ability to be comfortable with intimacy and what kind you now seek.

If you would like support in further exploring the different Levels contact Annette or Graeme here or Ph 1800 TANTRA

Change in Relationship

March 25, 2016 By Annette & Graeme 1 Comment

Change and growth is a process, a process of life, especially in relationships..

It is important to understand and trust your own process, because relationships are either growing or dyeing..

Understanding your own process is your pathway to discovering your own sweet spot…

Because, we all want what we want, and we all desire happiness.

Achieving personal happiness and contentment in our lives and relationships is a process that happens over time and does take effort, regardless of how many ‘quick fixes’ we might hear about along the way…

Any change in relationship that will last the distance and achieve sustainability, to deepen into trust takes more than that instant or two.

Most of the time we know this, but there are times where this can be tough to remember, especially in tight places that do happen in long term intimate relationships.

Sometimes immediate change happens and then it seems to disappear…

That new connection you felt, or the new way your partner was treating you, or your own new habit of looking for the best in them seems to have fallen by the wayside. This is not because it wasn’t real or that you or your partner aren’t trying.

It’s because we each have an internal thermostat that regulates our psyche, just like the one in our fridge.

When we open the door and put a whole bunch of fresh food in the motor works overtime to return the fridge to its set temperature.

Your psyche also wants to try and return you to your internal set point because it is ‘familiar’.

It’s important not to think you’ve failed but to understand it takes practice to raise the overall set point in your psyche so that it becomes your new normal.

The Dynamics of Relationship Change

There is a special dynamic of change that happens in relationships.

We’re not talking about small changes here, like finding a new restaurant to try or spending more time together on Saturday’s, but deeper, lasting and life altering change.

Most times this kind of change doesn’t happen in both people at the same time. More often one person will make a shift and the other person will be left to shift (or not) in response.

This is particularly challenging when the one left behind doesn’t understand, agree or support the change that has occurred.

One partner can make an actual behaviour change.

For example, Steve starts to actually share more about what is happening for him emotionally and his partner, Sue realises she now has to drop her familiar complaints about his emotional unavailability and really listen without judgement.

Another example, is Yvonne decides to get healthy, going regularly to the gym, bringing in healthier eating ideas and passing up the extra glasses of wine she used to enjoy with Mark during dinner.

Even though this is a healthy change it has taken away an intimate ritual they used to enjoy. It’s also shown an uncomfortable light on Mark’s less than healthy lifestyle choices that he now has to deal with.

This is the ‘sweet spot’ where our differences challenge us.

Over time couples get used to this dance of change and welcome it, understanding it’s a process and rather than seeing it as an ending know it’s an opportunity to grow in relationship.

Change doesn’t have to be about ultimatum’s

We see this often in our work where one person in the relationship draws a line in the sand for themselves and says “I can’t do this anymore.

I need things to change”, or “I am feeling suffocated in my relationship and this is making me feel resistant to intimacy with you”.

This is a healthy boundary rather than an ultimatum, not a “You must… or I will”.

Ultimatums are an attempt to manipulate your partner to give you what you want.

Instead a healthy boundary is a recognition of where you’re at, that helps yourself and your partner see and feel your situation more clearly.

Such a boundary leaves it up to each person in how to respond. In the example above Mark now has a choice to join Yvonne in her lifestyle changes or re affirm his own choices for himself without disrespecting Yvonne’s by trying to cajole her into an extra glass of wine.

Working together can be about doing your own thing

Even in a relationship where both people recognize things aren’t working and agreeing together to work towards change we find the process isn’t actualized by both people in the same way at the same time.

Most often one person will gain some insight and make a shift, leaving their partner feeling put out of their comfort zone, perhaps digging their heels in trying to force the other to go back to the way things were.

This resistance may be quite unconscious, so it’s important not to blame them for their position.

For example James makes a shift in his lovemaking to where he is more present, able to last longer and access more pleasure in himself. His wife Abbey drops into a place of not feeling good enough when her own blocks to deeper sexual pleasure show up as a result and pulls away from sex.

Abbey requires a period of adjustment as a result of James’ original change. It’s important that James doesn’t shut down in the face of Abbey’s resistance.

After coming to terms with her discomfort, seeing that James is not leaving her behind but is instead inviting her deeper from a place of love she can make a step forward of her own.

Real change isn’t always about instant happiness

As you can see if the changes are real it’s as likely there will be discomfort as much as happiness involved in the process. For every action there is a reaction, and even a negative one is a sign that significant change is happening. Things will usually seem worse, rather than better for a time.

This is where the person making the change needs support to hold their position whilst their partner catches up in their own way.

Margaret, a mother who has always been there for everyone else and now finds herself drained of energy and momentum decides to put herself first and say ‘no’ more often to others and ‘yes’ to herself.

She needs support to stand firm in herself whilst her family gets used to not having their needs attended to in the old, automatic ways and learn new ways of coping.

It can take time for her family to see that the changes are good for Margaret, that she’s happier as a result. When they get this it will spur them on to support her.

Healthy intimacy is where differences bring value.

In the vulnerability of relationship we can want our partners to make the shifts WE want them to make, that in reality suit our needs but ultimately it is healthier for each person to find their own solutions.

It is better because it allows opening up to new things in their fullest expression, rather than contracting or distorting them in any way, bringing surprising new energy into the relationship.

And who are we, to believe that we know better than our partner’s what is best for them? It’s the ultimate form of arrogance!

This doesn’t mean we can’t share our opinion and express our needs but leaving the end decision to them.

Being willing to be in the unknown

Our challenge is to be willing to be in the unknown, without the guarantee of an expected or obvious outcome, to hold the fort while this change occurs and is integrated into the relationship.

For example Neil is stressed and depressed in his career.

Cathy would like him to take Sundays off to play golf when what Neil would really love to do is take some time out to just sit on the couch and discover what is meaningful in life for him outside of the rat race.

This idea could be frightening and challenging for both Neil and for Cathy, financially and emotionally.

Yet if they can agree on how to manage it, and for what time period, the rewards of such introspection can be profound- a return to life and career with renewed vigour and vitality in all areas for Neil, and a happier relationship for Cathy.

What happens when you change and your partner doesn’t?

You’ve done the hard work, given it your best shot and your partner is still resistant.

You feel indignant about their apparent unwillingness to change, justified in your fear of them being able to do so, or just sad and hopeless at the seeming impossibility of it.

It’s important to ask yourself some hard questions here:
– How fully have you really changed? Are you really going there or just tinkering around the edges? Remember real change brings change as a result, positive or negative.
– Real change has a clarity and a solidness that is hard to argue with, can you feel it in you?
– Are you asking your head or your heart? and really knowing and understanding the difference is when real change begins.
– Are you wanting your partner to make a change that suits you, rather than something that is authentic for them, and are they rightly resisting it?
– Are the changes you’ve made bringing you to a greater wholeness, or are they simply in service of gratifying your ego?

Real change in one half of a relationship forces a reaction in the other, even if it is a negative one such as holding more firmly to their position.

So even where only one person is making the choice to change on their own in the relationship, when the change is real their partner will be forced to shift somehow as a result.

A negative response is still positive as it means there is real momentum happening.

Trusting the process of change and hanging in there will allow time for the second partner to see the old behaviours might not be working anymore and where they can choose to step up.

Or perhaps for you to see where your change is leading you astray and you can shift in a different way.

Sometimes it is just fear of change itself that gets in the way

For example Ian discovers a passion for travel and Debbie discovers a desire for helping those in need, a separation that initially feels like a betrayal of the connection in their relationship.

Over time they learned to combine these interests by travelling to both Indonesia and South America, doing some aid work whist they’re there, making their connection stronger and more fulfilling in ways they never previously imagined.

This is where it can be helpful to have a third person outside the relationship, a compassionate friend or counsellor supporting each of you in the process of understanding what is happening.

When we begin to make changes in our relationships we somehow forget about this process and expect results straight away and start interfering in the process.

We CAN experience immediate and exciting changes, for deeper changes to arise and stick takes trust that they’re going to happen, action to see them through and time for them to eventuate.