Relationship & Sexuality Counselling Specialists

OZ tantra are Relationship Counselling Specialists

  • About
    • About Oz Tantra – Tantric Relationship Advice
    • About Graeme Sudholz
    • About Annette Baulch
    • Oztantra Media
    • Speakers Page
  • Relationship Counselling
    • Coming Together Book: Solving The Mystery of Intimate Sex and Relationship
    • Hot Relationship Topics
    • Relationship Counselling
      • Couples Ultimate Getaway Byron Bay
      • Oz Tantra On Line Relationship Course
      • Oztantra V.I.P
    • Online Relationship Counselling
  • Sex
    • Coming Together Book Contents
    • Hot Sex Topics
    • Sex Counselling
    • Sexual Healing
      • Healing Sexual Abuse
      • Yoni Healing for Women
      • Lingam Healing
      • Beat Your Porn Addiction With Tantra
    • What is Tantric Sex REALLY Like?
      • Tantric Coaching online
      • Couples Tantra Sessions
      • Individual Tantra Sessions for Women
      • Individual Tantra Sessions for Men
    • What Is Tantra?
    • How Tantra Prevents Boredom in the Bedroom…
    • Preventing Premature Ejaculation
      • Multi Orgasmic Man
      • Tantric Sex for Men – Podcasts
      • Separating Ejaculation and Orgasm
    • Gspot
  • Events
    • Couples Ultimate Getaway Byron Bay
    • Workshop Schedule
    • Retreats
      • Ecstasy and Intimacy Couples Retreat Bali
      • Couples Retreat Australia Ecstasy & Intimacy
      • Private Couples Retreats
    • Weekend Workshops
      • Power of Yoni – Explore the essence of who you are as a woman
      • Sexuality of the Heart
      • Oz Tantra On Line Relationship Course
      • Oztantra V.I.P
  • Blogs
    • Oztantra Blog
    • Previous Blog Posts
    • Videos
    • Tantric Lover Podcasts
  • Contact
    • Contact Us – Annette and Graeme at Oz Tantra
  • Articles
    • Articles
    • Hot Relationship Topics
    • Blog’s
    • Hot Sex Topics

Tantric Sex for Men – Oztantra

February 9, 2015 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Tantric sex for men

In my journey of self exploration and discovery, I have had many realisations, and one of them is tantric sex for men is mostly unexplored and poorly understood.

Actually, the more I discover about Tantric sex, the more I realise I don’t know, as I also believe that learning  Tantra is finding that place of limitless and connection  that exists in all of us.

I have also reached an understanding that with heart and sexuality connection where there exists potential for significant increases in pleasure and heart felt satisfaction with your partner.

What this actually looks and feels like for a man, is in his ability to be able to  fully tap into and connect with his own awesome power in all aspects of his life.

From the Boardroom to the Bedroom

This potential exists not only in the bedroom but from the boardroom to the clubroom and every aspect in between.
Oztantra
For a man connecting with his heart is also him connecting with his warrior self, as they reside in the same place in a man, in his heart.

Because, when a man confronts his fears and gives himself permission to fully connect his heart and sexuality also includes accessing and owning his warrior self. Warrior intensity comes from the power in a man’s heart, and the healthy masculine warrior is pure heart.

Our couples Retreat is the perfect forum for any man to learn these skills with his partner.

Warrior Sex

In recent times, the term “warrior” has had a bad rap, as so much of man’s unhealthy shadow is seen as coming from this aspect and most men have fear about this and hold this part of Bring out your intimate warrior to get the most out of tantra. Tantric sex for men.themselves in denial. As men, denying our warrior makes our unhealthy shadow aspect even deeper and much harder to manage.

If your wondering what this unhealthy masculine looks like, then examples are all around us. Watch any news media and nearly all the story’s are about money, sex or power. These aspects are all part of the healthy masculine as well, but the healthy masculine is heart connected which totally changes any outcome. Money, sex and power without heart is behind majority of conflicts, economic difficulties and environmental challenges. It takes heart connected masculine energy to change these problems, and that is the healthy warrior.

A man in his heart connected with his warrior is a man that will stand up and protect his heart, himself, family, community and his place in this world.

It is a challenge for any man to connect with and honor this part of himself, as so much of our cultural political correctness supports the shaming of this essential aspect of healthy and sacred masculinity. It takes real courage for a man to stand up for what he believes is right, as quite often this requires him challenging societal norms. Healthy masculine will also challenge and call out  wounded feminine behaviours but in a way that is healing for woman.

Connecting with his warrior self is a journey deeply into himself and must include experiencing himself with other men in healthy masculine space.

A man connecting with his warrior is accessing his depth of inner masculine strength that all men have, yet most carry shame or confusion about connecting with this essential part of masculinity. Warrior is the healthy part of masculinity that grounds and holds safety for himself and those around him, especially when a man decides to open his heart and connect with his sexuality and with his partner.

Men have been shamed out of this place and have confusion as to what healthy masculine sexuality looks and feels like.

It is this healthy connection with his inner strength or warrior that will hold him grounded and safe in opening his heart in intimate sexual connection in his relationships.

Relationship Sex is the Best Sex

I also believe that for most men, this intensely pleasurable sexual potential is best achieved and maintained in committed and long term relationships, where all these aspects can flourish and develop.

This special and healthy gift of sacred masculinity requires nurturing, expression and connection.

Man’s fuel of desire for sexual connection comes from his open loving heart, and this is best achieved for most men in healthy relationships.

Healthy sexual desire is heart connected and heart energized for any man, and if in doubt ask a woman what she most desires in her man and it is usually to feel his loving open heart, to feel his power in loving presence.

Yet, for a man to tap into this sexual potential is much more than simply being physically capable, for it requires emotional awareness, connection and courage to really be able to connect to his true sexual heart capability.

This connection is internal and doesn’t require any mystical or esoteric skills from outside.

For any man, simply being emotionally aware and understanding and fully grasping and accessing his own vulnerable heart sexual connection is where it all begins.

Sexual Power

Strength of connection to his sexual power will require a man to be fully connected and grounded in his body and heart. This is not about being overtly sexual but simply recognizing and owning his heart intensity and sexual power. In this place, it is important for any man to claim and own his masculinity in how it is for him, and most often this may look different to how a woman would desire it to be. If in doubt, simply consider the differences between the romance industry for women and the porn industry for men. Both have their appeal, but don’t really appeal to the other. This is where men quite often become derailed in their journey into their masculinity, as they believe they have to play “the game” to get what they want from the opposite sex. This is why it is important that any man’s journey into his masculinity  requires plenty of healthy masculine connection.

When heart and sexuality are accessed and activated and connected, a man begins to feel his true power. It is in this place that man can truly connect with his inner warrior and feel his own strength and power surging through his body. Making love from this place is like nothing else, for a man can be fully in his power and feel it surging through his body, or simply be quiet and in stillness.

Mastering the skills of separating ejaculation and orgasm requires a man to feel his power, as men require access to their feeling of inner strength to manage and hold ejaculation energy successfully with out needing to shut it down. Ejaculation energy in a man is pure heart and is the energy force that creates life and requires clarity and focus to manage this energy into full bodied pleasure.

Ejaculation energy is pure heart energy with the power to create life.

Tantric lovemaking is about creating more of everything, including ramping up your ejaculation heart intensity and multi orgasmic energy and this also applies to women as well. In tantric lovemaking, this combined energy is truly breathtaking.

This masculine ejaculation heart energy creates heat for intense full body multiple orgasms, which further deepens open heart and inner connection and vulnerability with the power of sexual connection holding all this together.

It takes a man who is fully in his power to hold himself in this place and meet his partner in lovemaking.

The stronger heart connection that any man can create for himself in his relationship, the more loving pleasure he will experience during sex.

And, so will his partner, for a women desires to feel this part of her man, and if in doubt, ask her…..

In this place of accessing his masculine warrior strength during lovemaking will also impact on his partner in a deeply loving and subtle way. A woman will feel met, held and safe enabling her to open into her sacred surrender.

Gspot

A women’s Gspot is an energy point that is highly sensitive and receptive to this masculine energy and both can easily experience deeply loving, satisfying heart connected lovemaking with very little movement.

This is tantric lovemaking in its simplest form.

More Orgasms more often?

September 17, 2014 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Orgasms, Orgasms, Orgasms…

With more women apparently “coming” with greater ease in lovemaking than ever before (especially the women in porn) it is a hidden secret that many women as yet don’t have the pleasure of coming at all, in fact up to 1 in 3 women don’t. And up to 80% have trouble at times.

You have to remember that what you see in a porn flick  is  acting…

So how can YOU come more often? Here are some tips to increase your orgasmic potential…

And you don’t have to wait for your partner to get the right “technique”, there is much you can do to help yourself.

There are lots of different things you can play with:

  1. Understand that the reason it is not happening has nothing to do with you not being good enough or sexy enough. Sexuality is a very complex part of us and is not determined by this one particular factor.Female sexuality is all about feeling
  2. Don’t push yourself into trying too hard! It IS frustrating but the harder you try the more focus you put on your mind (the opposite place to where your orgasm will happen). And the greater tension you create in your body. As sexual pleasure (energy) flows through relaxed muscles this is not what you want.
  3. Breathe more. Breathing is extremely powerful in sex (don’t get me started!), just begin by noticing how you are breathing wherever you are in your orgasmic cycle. Breathing more deeply into your belly and out though your mouth helps you relax and opens your energy.
  4.  Touch yourself with love, seek to connect with and honour yourself rather than just stimulate yourself. It is a subtle but very powerful mind shift.
  5. Do you notice that you build up towards orgasm but then it dies away? See if you are tensing your body and stopping your breath as you peak? This is creates a block.If you notice this breathe more deeply.
  6. Find ways for your mind to help you rather than distract. Fantasies can help but take you away from yourself. If your mind is all over the place (as it often is!) give it a job that keeps your focus inside you. Imagine your mind is filled with the colour white, the more thoughts come the whiter you imagine it. White is soothing and healing. Then make a connection to your sex centre (genitals) by imagining drops of red slowly forming and dropping from your brain down through your body to your sex centre.  It’s weird but it works.
  7. Let your body move. As you relax your body will want to move, give it permission by encouraging it, without caring how it might look, let your hips rock backwards and forwards. If you usually clench and tighten your body this may feel wrong, but again give it a try.
  8. Sometimes what blocks us is what lies between our head and genitals- our heart. Breathe as if you could breathe into your chest and heart, notice what you feel there. Does it feel closed or blocked? There may be something that needs to be felt and released there. Whatever it is just feel it.Female Sexuality
  9. Spend time on your breasts and nipples. Often we are very genitally focussed but our breasts are a path to opening our heart and our genitals to pleasure. Massage the whole area (going to the nipples last) to fully awaken here. If you are with a partner ask them to join in with kisses, licks and sucks. If not do it yourself, you deserve it.
  10. Include pc squeezes. The muscles between your legs (your pelvic floor or pc) are like a sexual pump. First relax, then tighten and release these muscles. Do it in a way that feels good rather than as an exercise.
  11. Play with using your voice. Your vocal chords vibrate to make sound and if your body is aroused making sound will accentuate it. Start small and build. A lot of it is about self permission, don’t let shame keep you small. If you have to, placing a pillow over your mouth (not your nose!) will allow you to make a lot of sound quietly.
  12. If you feel yourself beginning to build up to a peak imagine fireworks going off in your brain as where the mind goes the energy follows…
  13. Understand that as women we have a place in us that is beyond having an orgasm, where we access our ecstatic orgasmic flow where there is no trying just being, and our breath + relaxation are the keys to taking us there. Keep your mind open to this possibility.

 

Has Monogamy Evolved – Modern Monogamy Explained

July 7, 2014 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Modern Monogamy

Modern lifestyle complexities have created more opportunities for varied lifestyle choices now more than ever before.

The “traditional” monogamous relationship container has definitely served its purpose, but is it relevant today, or even keeping pace with change ? You have no doubt heard ‘ the only thing “normal” in relationships is the setting on the washing machine’, and probably have a wry smile with that phrase. Yet, even though the traditional monogamous relationship model that has been accepted throughout much of history, its strength of consistency is finally starting to crumble under the face of change. So many people have chosen a monogamous lifestyle, only to have their dreams dashed, and is this their fault for believing it still is possible?

Supported Monogamy

Have they even received advice flexibly supporting them in creating their choice ? Are “we” doing enough to support not only younger people, but everyone who wants to be in relationship? The average modern relationship must adapt to become more varied in keeping with the growing freedom of choice that is available.
To do this, in spite of huge cultural conditioning, will challenge any newcomer, especially if they are unsupported. Modern lifestyle has placed more stress on the traditional ideal ‘couple’ yet we still regard monogamy as the ideal model for our relationship needs. And, with little consideration given to what exactly monogamy requires. As we are all living longer, our romance, friendship, financial, marital, intimate, emotional and sexual needs have become more complex with more options.


We enjoy better health with more productive and complex lifestyles.
Never before has the image of the romantic couple relationship been under so much pressure to perform, deliver and adapt, but do we have the skills to achieve this? This is also creating a whole new meaning to “life partner”, someone who can grow with you and not get in the way of your choices.

My question is are we failing monogamy by simply being too limited and inflexible in how varied this relationship dynamic can be? How many monogamous relationships receive effective support and encouragement? Especially of a standard that will ensure personal growth, depth of connection and longevity in the face of change? Can the widespread perception of how monogamy should look, change, and change in that most challenging of places- that of lovingly intimate and heart connected sexuality? We believe that the most important aspect of your relationship dynamic, whatever it is, is one of shared conscious choice from a place of open hearted intimate connection and vulnerability.

Fidelity and Monogamy

Confronting the shame, fear and control that comes up around intimate sexual boundaries in your relationship and having a conversation about it is vital to validate a healthy part of being human. Given the amazing power of sexual energy, the challenges that arise from sexual desire exist, whether it is spoken or not. Many relationships do fail simply because one or both fall into shame about desire, and give up, simply because open discussion is too challenging. Further, there is much armchair judgment offered when a committed couple consciously choose from inside their monogamous relationship to explore their sexuality, particularly when it is known about, which most often it’s not.Talking about sex

Why is this so challenging for some of us? And, is it any of our business? Being in a monogamous relationship in a sex negative culture is hugely challenging, as any expression of sexual desire outside the relationship is seen as a “deadly sin”. Men struggle to understand their sexual desire, the primal urges that when shut down usually leak out some how, such as watching porn, domestic anger and frustration. Women also carry intense shame around their own sexuality, body shape and simply just being woman. When these shame pieces collide, many relationships collapse under the weight of shame, guilt or simply from lack of support.

Monogamy is an Ideal Relationship Container

Yet, monogamous relationships are by far the ideal container for bringing these issues out into the open and healing them with loving fun. There is no “one size fits all” cure. But when a couple consciously choose to explore these and other boundaries, with honesty, intimacy and vulnerability inside their relationship, wonders are created. Our belief in Oztantra based on our own experience and what we see in others, is that the ultimate experience in relationship starts with one person first, yourself. When that happens and is grounded in each individual self, then simple and open communication can be a very powerful experience that transforms into the relationship.

Creating Safety in Intimacy
It is usually not intimacy or sexual excitement that is lacking, but a desire to move towards something greater, which is usually held back by simple, yet unconscious fear. The skills in meeting, holding and growing in this place are a beginning in achieving more modern version of monogamy. Successful relationships do expand, deepen, thrive and develop longevity by having highly developed communication skills.
Real and open relating takes practice and highly developed emotional skills, but most importantly, communication that is clear, embodied and consistent. This is the hardest type of relating to achieve, and from our experience in supporting couples, is the most rewarding. This type of relating or communication will take many forms, but most importantly, it just needs to happen. Regardless of the outcome. In this place, the expansion, deepening of love, connection and intimacy can be beyond words, remembering that the challenges are mostly only minor speed bumps, even though they may initially appear like Mt Everest…..

Monogamy and Sexuality

In conclusion, when those powerful sexual desires or primal urges become toxic is when they are suppressed or not talked about. This simple lack of communication eventually creates feelings of betrayal and rejection followed by closing down and becoming emotionally distant. And it is the feelings of betrayal, breach of trust, hurt and rejection that create the deepest cuts Relationshipsand are hardest to heal. It takes courage, skill and trust in your relationship container to talk about these potentially big unmentionables. Communicating from a place of loving trust and vulnerability, sharing your secret desires and fantasies can be incredibly freeing (and fun..!!).

It takes a lot of courage and skill to really show up at this depth, as it directly challenges any unresolved inner child wounds.
In this place, the level of intimacy and vulnerability is intensely magnified and if experienced, will create a genuine expansion of trust, depth and open hearted connection.

Regardless of the outcome, simply having courage to have these conversations will make a difference.
Call us TOLL FREE 1800 TANTRA (826 872), email link

Annette & Graeme

Oztantra©2014

Survival Strategy: Men living with a woman in menopause

May 27, 2014 By Graeme Sudholz Leave a Comment

Relationship Survival Strategy: For men living with a woman in menopause:

Menopause can cause many frustration

Is this the end of my sex life?? This is a realistic fear for a man in relationship with a woman who is experiencing the wavering libido of menopause and “not tonight” is the most common response to his expressed desire for sex. What can he do?  There are no simple answers…but if this is you and you’re willing to get on the program and stay with it you have a high chance of maintaining a sexual connection with your woman, and even having the best sex of your life as you get older.

One of the main ways you can ease the menopausal path for both of you is to have some understanding of what is happening, and of how your responses has a major impact on the end result. Because negative judgement of her at this sensitive time will have a psychological and even physical impact on the experience for both of you. It is vital you develop trust in the process and trust in your woman as she basically redefines who she is. Maintaining a grounded perspective and a sense of humour is a great help too!

Menopause happens around the age of 51, but can start as early as 30. a woman is considered to have reached menopause when she has been period free for 1 year. Menopause is not only the time when a woman stops ovulating and having her period. The immense upheaval of her hormonal system reorienting itself to not having babies produces a range of physical effects such as hot flushes and sweats- especially at night, mental fogginess, mood swings, depression, decreases in libido, vaginal dryness and thinning of the vaginal walls which can make sex painful. To add insult to injury she may also be subjected to a higher level of vaginal infections such as thrush for a while. Eventually the hormones sort themselves out and she returns to a more even keel, after 5-10yrs. Menopause is different for each woman, for some it’s barely noticeable, for others it impacts on every area of her life even into her 70’s.

There are huge range of treatments available that can support a women through the physical symptoms but none that will “fix” it for each person. It can be a frustrating time for her of finding what works.

At a big picture level there is also a shift in how a woman sees herself

Empowered older womanShe is no longer the mother as she once was (menopause often occurs as kids have left home), her body is forcing her to face the fact of getting older, even of death. She too, like you, may have fears around her sexuality, she faces a a great deal of social conditioning around older women not being seen as sexual beings or having a place in the world, although this is very slowly starting to change.

Her body is not forcing her to nurture others as it once did with so now there is more room for herself and her female psyche will challenge her to question who she is, which can bring either anxiety or freedom. It can be a time of great unknown and uncertainty. Sometimes a woman will move straight from motherhood to grandmotherhood, giving her a renewed sense of self without her having to confront the question of ‘who is she if she is not a mother?’ She will often look to try new things for herself, make changes, seek to “sort things out”. If you’re not good with change this can make her very challenging to live with.

As well as these personal issues menopause often causes a woman to reassess her relationship, as with the children gone there is less room to hide what is or is not working between you. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you, it means she wants the best possible for herself. When sex is less frequent it can be difficult to want to stay close and intimate to this forgetful, emotional, sweaty, and lowered libido woman, but it is what she most needs to help her stay grounded and connected to you and her sexuality as she becomes more connected with herself.

Heart to Heart communication

As a result of all this, coming through menopause will end with a woman feeling more comfortable with who she is and where she is going. Sex becomes less about creating babies or providing pleasure for the man and more about self pleasure, sharing pleasure, fun, love and spiritual connection.

How you can help:

Physically: look after your own health ie. eat well, keep active, minimize stress, so you are in the best place to have sex when it is available.
Support her with any medical or other specialists she chooses to see. Understand this process can take time to get right.

Emotionally: Listen if she needs to share, know you don’t need to fix anything, just hear her. Also encourage her to share with her female friends for support.
Be willing to sort through things with her that apply to you.
Also be willing to set your boundaries if her emotionality is crossing yours.

Sexually: Don’t take it personally: If she has less overall interest in sex and takes longer to become aroused, produces less vaginal lubrication and  has less intense orgasms don’t assume it is about not desiring you.
Remind her that having sex promotes elasticity in the vaginal tissues so having sensitive sex can help the symptoms reduce.
Know too that for a woman, desire doesn’t necessarily come before arousal, so encourage sex from an openhearted place, and remind her that desire may come once you start.
Also know that a daily 10 min attention to her gspot can help keep her connected to herself and her sexuality (without using it as foreplay, making it her time).

Respect yourself and don’t give up on your sexuality by shutting it down, emotionally withdrawing totally into porn, or going outside the relationship to get your needs met, at least without having tried these suggestions and having an agreement in place.
Let go of any agenda to manipulate her into bed, no wheedling, sulking or blaming, don’t make every touch an attempt to stimulate her. This will only push her away.
Do talk about how important sex is for you, what it brings you, let her feel your vulnerability in this; discuss your fears, concerns, especially about your fears of hurting her whilst sex is painful. Discuss what other options you can try, be willing to cooperate, be creative.
Respect her No’s and be willing do more self pleasuring.

Intimacy can continue

Learn to last longer in sex so you will still be there when her arousal kicks in.

Learn to focus more on being in the moment in sex, going slow, conscious breathing, make connection rather than orgasms the focus.
Make the shift from merely having sex to get off, performing in bed and start learning to make love. This is what the mature woman will be looking for, she wants a man who will meet her there. Learn to bring your heart into your sexuality, penetrating her heart as much as her yoni. There is as much for you in this as there is for her- it will take your pleasure to a whole new level as you learn to make love as a man, rather than just getting off from your boy.

Know too that often she is not going to be “in her body” at this time with so much happening for her, so include plenty of loving touch (without sexual agenda) in your connection with her ie. sharing a hug, sitting together in the couch, holding hands, touching her on the body with the whole of your hand and holding it still for a moment, massaging her neck or feet. This helps her get grounded.

As you can see there is a lot going on at this time and the main tool is to start and keep communicating, attempt to understand, learn, connect and grow with her and the blessings will be many as you get to know this brand new, sexual, powerful woman!

And remember expert help from outside can smooth the pathways so don’t be afraid to ask for support. See some of the things we can offer you here:

Call us TOLL FREE 1800 TANTRA (826 872), email link

Getaways for you and your woman to reconnect

Ecstasy & Intimacy Retreat

 

Sacred Intimate Relationship: 7 Signs You’re There

April 10, 2014 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Sacred intimate relationship brings meaning to life

Sacred meaning: connected with God or a higher purpose, deserving of respect.

We mostly start off in intimate relationship believing that what we have discovered is something so unique and special. How do we keep this wonder alive over the years? By understanding the potential of believing that intimate relationship is a sacred act. For the one that we choose to be in intimate relationship is not because we must through birth or other obligation, they are the ones we actively choose to make a major part of our lives. So it makes sense that we honour both the person and that choice consciously and respectfully.

Grace is divine

7 signs that you are doing so are:

1. You see there are 3 different aspects to your relationship- there is you, your partner and the relationship itself. All of these three have their own separate structures and individual needs, the highest of which is seen to be the relationship. When there is conflict it is the needs of the relationship that become paramount. This is not to say that the relationship should be used to limit the individual from a place of fear or control, rather the reverse. It can be a barometer because what is truly valuable for the individual can be measured by its impact on the relationship.

2. You are seeking relationship with the person they actually are being right now, rather than the one you first met, the one you assume they are from your past experiences of them or the one you think they should be to meet your needs. It is very easy to see the other through the mask of our perceptions, especially when in the busyness of everyday life we get

From boy to man

lazy about looking. We are constantly changing complex beings and to assume we know where a person is coming from is at best impractical, at worst shaming.

3. You see constantly assessing how you are being and where you are coming from in your words and actions, and how they are being received and adjusting them as you see fit as an act of love rather than a neurosis. You use the wisdom of your observing mind, body and feelings as well as the power of your intellect to do so.

Differences attract rather than repel

4. You’re able to tolerate the uncertainty of the other being different to you, having different interests, desires, needs and beliefs. Although it is crucial to have shared common values in intimate relationship- values that will proved the glue when all else is being challenged, your differences are seen to add flavour rather than cause fracture.

5. You value your relationship more than protecting your Ego. You’re willing to allow yourself to be seen in your truth, vulnerability and imperfections. To let down your own mask and honour the other by being real, which is what creates true intimacy. And you’re willing to own who you are, the choices you make and take responsibility for your actions. Especially when these have a negative impact on the relationship, as you value the relationship more than being right.

6. You respect your sexuality as a powerful pathway of creating love, connection, nurturing and pleasure rather than using it as a tool for physical or emotional release. You take the time to sort issues out separately from lovemaking, instead coming to make love from a place of open hearted connection with yourself that you then share with the other. This creates a sacredness, ease and connection that flows into the rest of your relationship and reinforces the desire to seek love rather than self.

Happiness in relationship

7. You see the relationship as a place to grow yourself. You cultivate courage and taking risks. Risks in trusting yourself, the other, the relationship and love itself by trusting your heart. For our hearts are not flimsy things that need protection they are stronger and have more to offer than we can ever have thought possible. So you do not try to limit the other but see where their needs or desires challenge your own limitations. In our experience our intimate partners primal needs challenge us to grow in the areas where we are most resistant to go into, just as our challenge theirs. That is where the deepest growth comes.

Painful Sex – Is this you?

March 12, 2014 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Sex is Meant to be Pleasurable

Sex is meant to be pleasurable and satisfying, making love blissful, nurturing, and more. What if it is none of these things but a source of frustration or even misery, for the both woman and her lover? This has been my own story and is an increasingly common scenario, with Drs who specialize in women’s gynaecological health reporting it is on the increase, particularly in young women. If you fear making love more than look forward to it,

Painful sex can feel like a red hot poker

if your lover is at his wits end because he it hurts him to know he is causing you suffering you are not alone. Some studies say the rate of painful sex for women is as high as 30%. One US study has put the figure of women between the ages of 18-64 who have suffered from chronic painful sex, a condition known as vulvodynia, as high as 16%. The cause of vulvodynia is said to be unknown but has an important psychological link. This does NOT mean that it is all in your head though, the physical symptoms of stinging, itching and burning from mild to intense are very real.

There are Many reasons for Painful Sex

There are many reasons sex can be painful, most commonly it is due to emotional tension, vaginal dryness, infection, low libido, hormonal imbalances due to the pill or menopausal changes to the vaginal tissues.  Prolonged and over enthusiastic forceful “porn” type thrusting. Even some medications affect lubrication, particularly anti depressants.

Focussing on emotional aspects underlying vaginal pain:

1. You’re saying yes to sex when you really mean no. This can be for a wide variety of reasons- you’re just not in the mood but feel compelled to go there because you think you should  eg.  for your lover’s satisfaction, because you believe it is more important than yours or because your believe there is something wrong with you if you don’t want to have sex. Or perhaps saying no is a difficulty for you in general, especially if you see it hurting another.

2. You’re angry with, or in fear of your partner and have closed your heart to him, the heart is a very powerful factor in a woman being able to open sexually and if you are carrying unresolved hurt vaginal pain can result.

3. You’re not connected with yourself sexually, you don’t yet know how, or don’t take the time to become fully aroused before penetration and override your body’s innate needs.

4. You have sex that you don’t enjoy, or continue to have sex long after it has ceased to be pleasurable.

5. You may have guilt about being sexual at all, or for having sex, self pleasuring or masturbation. Painful sex makes us want to say no to sex

6. You have repeated experiences of failing to reach orgasm, or been “left hanging in midair’ whilst your partner was already “over the edge”.

7. Sex has become goal orientated, with your mind forcing your body to perform rather than following its natural desires.

8. You and your lover have ‘porn focussed performance sex’, with long periods of forceful thrusting and little intimacy.

9. You make love as a way of avoiding intimacy, or confrontation with your partner or covering up your anger.

10. You may be  carrying some unhealed sexual abuse.

11. Even the experience of a caesarean section or difficult birth, a hysterectomy or an abortion can leave an impact on your sexual body.

12. Your pelvic floor muscles, the ones that hold your vagina, and the structures around it, such as your uterus, bladder and bowel in place have become weakened, allowing them to prolapse into your vagina, creating pain when they’re pressed against. This weakening can be caused by lack of use, childbirth, poor overall health and hormonal changes; generalized stress that causes you to chronically tense your pelvic floor which over time weakens it. Loss of pelvic floor tone affect 50% of women at some stage in their lives! It can be fixed by learning proper pelvic floor health, or more serious cases require surgery.

13. You may mistakenly believe you are not worthy of receiving pleasure. This is so not true, it is your birthright!

14. The cycle of pain can develop a feedback loop in your belief and nervous systems, taking on a life of its own. This doesn’t mean you’re crazy, you just haven’t learned how this pain cycle works and what to do about it.

15. Either you, or your partner fear your sexuality and its power.

Or perhaps your pain has turned into numbness. A woman’s vagina has an extraordinary capacity to tolerate pain by numbing it away. It does this to make giving birth more tolerable. The only challenge with this is that it numbs pleasure as well.

Tension in the Genitals

Witch at the stakeAll of the above create tension in the genitals. This tension manifests itself most commonly through tightness/stiffness in the yoni (genitals) that never fully relaxes, even during intercourse. The feelings and emotions that are unacknowledged or expressed in this collect in the genitals as blocked energy and over time this is reflected as either numbness or as we are talking about here- physical pain.

There are many ways to support you with managing your pain, the first is believing that it is real,  and not something that you need to ‘put up with’ in any shape or form. The next is believing that you are a sexual being that is capable of extra ordinary pleasure and that you want what you’re made for.

In you:

  • Learn to relax your pelvic floor. Imagine your muscle between your legs as a triangle of chocolate melting in the warm sun. Literally feel the area letting go. Do this regularly so that you can do it during sex as well.
  • Once your muscles have learned to relax start to tone them and make them healthier. In this case try identifying your pelvic floor muscles by standing with both feet facing inwards and squeezing the muscles between your legs as if trying not to pee. Once you’ve identified them squeeze and release them gently. Make sure you relax them fully by imagining the area melting like chocolate in the warm sun. Once this feels ok do the same but pull the muscles up higher inside you by imagining you’re sipping them up like a thickshake up a straw (sipping your breath in at the same time helps) and hold in for 1 second then release. Do 10 times, releasing fully in between each one. Over a few weeks build up to a 10sec hold.

In the bedroom:

  • Take your time, breathe deeply into your heart, and into your genitals, allowing you to relax and open as much as possible.
  • Have your partner use full body strokes before massaging the outside of your Yoni (genitals) well, making sure you have a ‘Yes’ for penetration.
  • Try a variety of touches to help expand your body’s awareness rather than continually going over and over the same ground, as this helps to break the pain cycle in your brain.
  • Use personal lubricant- there is no such thing as too much lube and it’s not a sign of failure to use it.
  • Encourage your partner to go slow, look each other in the eyes, breathe together and build trust.
  • Stop when you need to.

Outside the bedroom:

  • Investigate any underlying medical causes with your Dr.
  • Get medical or naturopathic support for your hormone levels.
  • Find out if you can change your medication to one with less side effects.
  • See a physiotherapist who specializes in pelvic floor management can help you relax and strengthen your pelvic floor muscles and also release muscle tension inside your vagina.
  • Having some counselling to investigate what might be going on for you emotionally with your sense of self and in your relationship can help.
  • Explore the idea of some sexual healing.

Communication is Critical

And of course talking to your partner about this, if you haven’t already ,so he can understand what is happening for you and more appropriately support you, as well as

Energy sex reduces painful sex

having a chance to express his own fears and pain in a situation where to make love with you hurts you. Especially when it becomes chronic sexual pain is a situation where the solution will involve both of you. Learning how to  have more energetic lovemaking with less thrusting and more flowing will help.

Express your Emotions

Allowing yourself to express the emotions that come up will help release the energy that is blocking in your vagina., which is also the area of your first, second and third chakras live- where your safety, sexuality, creativity and power centres reign. For me personally, as well as looking at all the areas above I have found that my pain was asking me to go deeper inside myself and connect to the power that lies underneath my sexual pleasure, my sense of my personal power and who I think and I am, to be the one in the drivers seat of my sexuality (and my life). When I am thrusting forward in my hips I am surrendering to power within, releasing all fear, resistance and pain.

Sexual Healing

A further option is to seek some training in sexual healing for both yourself and your partner with a practitioner you trust, which addresses both the psychological, emotional and energetic release of what you are holding in your body. This is something Annette is intimately familiar with herself and knows the power that sexual healing offers- read her story of healing sexual shame. Check out her Power of Yoni Workshop and Sexual Healing page.

If you would like to find out more about tantric sexual healing email her at info@oztantra.com or call 1800 623 262 to make an appt.

For more on Vulvodynia, physiotherapy for the pelvic floor and/or Naturopathic treatments check out Equilibria where I highly recommend Alyssa Tait

Sexual Healing – Annette’s Journey of healing sexual shame

March 12, 2014 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Annette’s journey of sexual healing

My journey of sexual healing shame has been a powerful, at times painful, yet always rewarding one, for which I have much gratitude. As I’ve healed my shame I’ve identified the associated limiting beliefs about myself that were holding me back in being open and loving towards myself and others. It’s also given me greater self knowledge to create more of what I want in my life, rather than what I don’t. It’s allowed me to access greater sexual pleasure and heights of ecstasy that I hadn’t even dreamed of, which I really enjoy sharing with my loving partner Graeme. Working with sexual energy has also given me access to a personal pathway to spirituality which I use in meditation, making love and for simple but profound moments of connecting to spirit in every day life.

Young girl in sexual shameMy early self beliefs

When I was growing up, like a large proportion of the community, I was sexually abused. I was an older child at the time, and the abuse was imposed by two people I knew. They were minor encounters but the effect of them was life changing, the energy of sexual shame is so powerful. I created three beliefs in response to these two events. One that I was “bad” in a way that I couldn’t understand but felt to my core. Secondly, that I was powerless to speak up and no one could help me, which caused me to become even more reluctant to express myself than the shy child I already was. Thirdly, that “I should have known better,” so beginning a life of readily taking on guilt, and over responsibility for everything in my life.

Beginnings of change

In my forties I developed an interest in personal growth, wanting to make some changes in the many areas of my life that weren’t working for me. Surprisingly to me at the time, part of this growth turned out to be sharing my experiences of abuse with a supportive group of people and healing, through conscious witnessing, the feelings attached to them. This process helped me to identify the beliefs I had formed as a result of these experiences and how to recognise where they were still operating, unhelpfully, in my life. This was the beginning of reclaiming what I had lost in myself. I had no idea it would lead me to sexual healing!

Learning about sexuality

The next step was deciding to consciously embrace myself as a sexual being and explore what that meant for me. This included things as simple as allowing myself to feel any sexual feelings that came along and enjoy them for what they were, rather than shutting them down, or taking on shame messages about myself for having them. And wearing some flowing skirts, feeling soft, feminine and sensual (and somehow vulnerable at first). I even occasionally went without knickers to enhance the effect and let go of the “stories” that came into my mind about how bad I was! Another thing I did was to dance for myself, making sensual, then sexual movements with my pelvis, freeing up this area of my body that had become locked up into stiffness and pain, feeling and releasing the shame as I went.Annette and Graeme

Relationship challenge

Then I took a more complex step of choosing to get into relationship with a new man in my life, when after the ending of a 20yr marriage 18 months prior, I felt more like withdrawing, staying single and safe.  Graeme was, and is, someone who really enjoys the sexual side of life and this was a real challenge for me. As my journey entwined with his I was given the opportunity to act out my sexual feelings in the heady excitement a new relationship brings.  I was being encouraged to not only have sex, but give myself permission to enjoy it to the max as never before. I’m happy to say I did!

Oh no!

Some months down the track I began to develop a reoccurrence of pain in my yoni (vagina) during sex, which I had experienced during the later stages of my marriage. This was not what I wanted at this time, let me tell you! But try as I/we might, there it was. It turned sex from bliss to a highly emotionally charged and painful event, very difficult for both of us.  Avoiding it didn’t help. Nor did any medical investigations, psychology sessions, creams, medications to numb the pain, relaxation techniques, lubricants or other treatments ad infinitum. One Dr even suggested cutting the lining of my yoni and stretching it to cover up the painful bits- I retreated in horror. There had to be another way.

Tantra and sexual healing

Discovering tantra and sexual healing taught me that the way forward in this situation was to have the courage to go through it, not avoid it. That my pain was there to challenge me to fully embrace my sexual (and ultimately spiritual) self. So with the loving support of my beloved Graeme (who has his own journey in this as you can Tantra is represented by the lotus flowerimagine) I have discovered a way through. By continuing to open to my sexual energy, through tantric lovemaking and sexual healing practices, telling myself it is ok to feel sexual pleasure, consciously witnessing the feelings as they come up to be healed, and by discovering and removing any layers of resistance my pain has slowly resolved. As those of you who have been on a conscious healing path will know, many opportunities will come up when you are seeking to heal, and I learned to trust myself to take up any which seemed like they would provide a pathway to remove any pockets of shame or pain- even if the “how” didn’t always become clear until I was actually into it. Through loving, respectful, honouring and sacred practices I have learned to allow myself to feel as much pleasure as it is possible for me to feel, as I have a right to feel. I am slowly learning to love and trust myself and others, as a sexual being, then as a human being, and finally as a spiritual being, able to truly open myself to love.

This is the abridged version of my journey here and the journey continues.

For any of you who may be considering sexual healing any for your sexual shame, which I believe we all carry at some level, then take heart and dive in. Your journey will be different to mine, but I assure you, if you persist you will find that it is worth it.

10 Steps to New Paradigm Relationship

September 23, 2013 By admin Leave a Comment

10 Steps to your New Paradigm Relationship

that will dearmour your heart, open the flow of your sexual Life Force Energy and keep your relationship eternally fresh and invigorated:

Our intimate relationships are largely seen as the most important aspect of a person’s life yet are also seen as one of the most difficult things to achieve. Traditionally committed relationships were about ownership and property rights, later focussed on being acceptable to family and society. Modern style marriages/relationships are often based on culture of romance and as such Attachment is vital for the Egare doomed to failure as romance is a servant of the Ego (what’s in it for me?) and doesn’t last. People, at least in the west are living longer with more lifestyle choices available than ever before? We believe that your relationship follows the rules of nature- it is never standing still so if it isn’t growing it’s dying. We also see that Love- both personal and infinite is a crucial element for relationship longevity. We offer these relationship tools so you can learn to keep your relationship growing, eliminate boredom and complacency and take a risk and create a sustainable relationship for you:

1. Creating a unique relationship that is right just for you–

letting go of any external rules, values and moral codes that do not serve you and bring your life together into the present moment, with whatever is right for you. We often approach relationship for some largely unhelpful subconscious reasons- Identify what larger fields of influence are defining your choices- eg. Family, friends, culture, religion, society, environment, life experience etc. Let go of them and give yourself permission to envision a plan that works for just the two of you.

2. Living relationship through conscious intention-

having a living agreement between you creates a powerful container for trust, love and support, and opportunities to grow. It is also a strong pathway to pleasure- when you know you both really want to be there and living fully in the moment. You are not bound only by external agreements, rules and obligations but a deep and honest commitment to each other. Find the container that is right for you and COMMIT to it. Affirm it to each other regularly.

3. The No.1 relationship Power tool- it is ALL about yourself!

Contrary to what you have been told. Not just being self serving. Your freedom lies in taking responsibility for you. Taking responsibility means you are connecting to a higher aspect of yourself that is more loving, open, compassionate, Tantra is a safe highgiving. And the quickest avenue to love is to give it.

4. Saying yes to sexuality-

not just as tension relief or itch scratching but as deep pleasure, connection and a way of life. Making time to connect regularly a high priority. This creates a powerful source of energy, connection and flow available in you. Regular sexual connection and acknowledgement of some kind that has an element of love, pleasure, passion, fun, healing or transcendence in it.  Sex carries the energy of creation, allow it to both nurture and inspire you! Also not shutting your sexual energy down around others but enjoying it and being conscious in what you do with it.

5. Cultivating intimacy-

we are often good at being independent, how are you at being up close? Feeling promotes connection. This means ALL of your feelings not just the “nice” ones. Making all of your feelings right not wrong, and something to learn from- feelings are often very logical, when we make our feelings wrong we make ourselves wrong. When we make ourselves wrong we come from a place of shame. Where are you at with intimacy?

6. Saying yes to God, Infinite Love, Spirit (or your equivalent) –

bringing spirituality in to your relationship in a way that works for you. Cultivating experiences that involve state change and lift us out of our everyday state of being in a way that adds rather than detracts eg. Church, meditation, intention, sex, ritual, natural substances used with clear intention. Cultivating Infinite Love to support your challenges in your more Personal Love relationship.

7. Finding yourself through relationship rather than losing yourself-

this includes boundary setting, seeing yourself and partner as individual, allowing yourself to be seen and be vulnerable, seeing where you are out of your business and in your partners. Seeing where the common major relationship challenges may be operating eg. Jealousy, abandonment, isolation, withdrawal, distance/pursuer, masculine/feminine polarities and power imbalances. Examining our childhood experience and seeing where it may be in play in our relationship? As your inner child needs are likely to be subconsciously driving your behaviours- Get to know and nurture your inner child.

8. Embracing your shadows

(the bits of you and your partner that you don’t like) as a pathway TO love rather than separation of it. This includes the desire to try and therapise or fix your partner. This puts them into shame or resistance and allows you to hold on to your own fears. Can you open to love within yourself and love your partner exactly as they are, rather than how you need them to be. Own your projections- See what you need them to be is about keeping you safe. Being present in emotional intensity and feeling into what part of us is showing up- jealous one, disempowered one etc. allowing it to be seen and moved through. Cultivating presence with ourselves to get clear what is our stuff and what might be the others?

9. Living on Loves edge-

regularly straying out of your comfort zone- learning to expand rather than contract. Indentifying what is your deepest desire in life, recognizing that your partner’s deepest desire is likely to be the most difficult thing for you to say yes to.Tantra is sex and more This is about going beyond compromise which ultimately takes the excitement and passion out of a relationship and merely creates resentment. Identify what is in your “no”- what is there for you to grow in? This is an ultimate path to love.

10. Purpose & Service-

Pass on your direct experiences of love to the world around you in some way as allowing them to overflow from you to the world around you allows the energy of Love to keep flowing. Pass it around. Our relationships work best when they are not just for us but for the whole world. For every action, thought and emotion affects everything in the universe as we are all part of the same oneness.

« Previous Page
Next Page »

CONTACT US:

Graeme 0457 966 696
Annette 0437 966 696

or Email us here

Sign Up for Our Fortnightly Newsletter

newsletter-sign-up

Read Our Previous Newsletter Articles

Sovereign Goddess Newsletter

Sovereign Goddess Logo

Women: Join here to discover your self loving and self empowered and pleasure filled self!

 

 

Online Counselling

couple viewing computer screen

Receive on point support for your relationship from the comfort of your own home!

Couples Getaways

InquireLennox Beach Resort about our Ultimate Couples Getaways!

Couples Retreats

Join us for our
happy couple in IntimacyEcstasy & Intimacy Retreats
Sadly we announce that all retreats
have been cancelled in response to
COVID 19 until further notice.

Oztantra Links

Blog  |  Media  |  Workshops  |  Books/DVDs

Lost That Loving Feeling?

Re-Ignite Your Spark Online Relationship Course

Coming Together

CLICK HERE for our book on all things
relationship, intimacy & sex
to last a lifetime.
ORDER NOW!

Follow Us

  • Facebook
  • LinkedIn
  • Twitter
  • YouTube

Have a question?

PH 1800 TANTRA (1800 826 872)

 

Recent Posts

  • A Soft Cock: to Love or Not to Love? February 23, 2023
  • Wet does not always mean horny and dry does not always show disinterest. February 7, 2023
  • Are You Dancing in the Full Spectrum of Sex? January 26, 2023
  • Make 2023 the year to take your relationship to the next level January 5, 2023

logo.png

Facebook Twitter Youtube

  • Oztantra Webinar’s – Relationship and Sexuality
  • Q and A – Frequently asked Questions Answered
  • Links
  • The Art of Relationship Creating- Meaningful Intimate Relationships
  • Emotional Intelligence, What is it?
  • Depression…making light of it
  • Breathwork Sessions
  • Lasting Longer for Men
  • Female Sexuality for Women
  • Beat Your Porn Addiction With Tantra
  • Tantric Meditations
  • What Is Tantra?
  • What is Tantric Sex REALLY Like? – Oz Tantra
  • Multi Orgasmic Man
  • Separating Ejaculation and Orgasm
  • Tantra Massage
  • How to Become a Tantric Lover
  • Cobra Breath – The Cosmic Cobra Breath
  • The Art of Self Pleasure
  • Man To Man Talk With Graeme
  • Woman to Woman Talk with Annette
  • Gspot – Oztantra
  • The Power of Reverse Polarity

Copyright © 2023 ·Beautiful Pro Theme · Genesis Framework by StudioPress · WordPress · Log in