sexuality Archives - Relationship & Sexuality Counselling Specialists

What if we made love the way we had dinner?

January 11, 2018 By admin Leave a Comment

This intriguing contribution comes from interested reader of Oztantra newsletters Nenad Stojadinovic… (if you’d like to send us your own thoughts on sex or relationship, please do and we’ll include the best of them here!)

“Ever wonder what makes sex so special? As in a minefield?

I mean, it’s not like sex is the only interaction between people; we do lots of really significant things together either as couples or in groups. We work together in teams,
we join clubs and play sports, we create companies, we share passions, join military forces, stitch quilts, build barns, etc etc. and they generally turn out OK.

Imagine if people did dinner like they did sex, wouldn’t that be funny? Imagine a table of couples having dinner one evening …

Mary sits and stares at her plate. She really wants an exotic entree but doesn’t know how to pronounce the name and doesn’t dare ask. She eats boiled noodles.

Dave decides that he would rather sit at another table and vanishes, glass of wine in hand

Cynthia reaches over to Rafik’s plate and takes it away

Harry and Daisy sit and glare at each other over empty plates

Jayden grabs his young girlfriend Skye’s dessert and passes it around to his mates

Samantha arrives with a huge Jamaican guy that nobody knows

Alan bolts his entire dinner and leaves before Leslie finishes her entree

Danica and Frank sit opposite each other, decide to share their main and then pass their desserts to each other for a taste. Frank is secretly delighted that Danica likes his somewhat exotic dessert and plans to make it for her one evening at home

Paisley and Moonji take some of the plants from the centrepiece and set fire to them over their empty plates. They pronounce themselves nourished and sated

Meanwhile, a bunch of folks gather together outside, bang a drum and extol the virtues of not eating love! “

Here at Oztantra we believe the reasons for all of the above behaviours are due to our fears of intimacy, of feeling and our sexual shame- which is why we’re passionate about teaching the skills to behave in ways that connect us, rather than keep us isolated and alone.
Even just reading the story above may give you insight into some of your own behaviours and the courage to make different choices in bed by seeing yourself at dinner…

We hope your next meal is a buffet!

Layers of Lovemaking

December 4, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

What comes to mind when you think of making love?

Is it connection, sensuality, pleasure, excitement, orgasm, release or something else?

Is it one or two of these things, or all of them?

Do you even call it making love? Or for you is it having sex, getting laid, rolling in the hay, even hiding the banana in the fruit salad? Apparently there are over 400 different words we have for this one act and what you like to call it can give you some clues as to the layers in it for you.

Think about it, no matter what you call it or do with it, making love is a multilayered ritual going on all around the world, in each country, city and town in each moment and has been since the beginning of time, no other human ritual is as primal as this one.

Here we identify the many layers that make up making love so you can see what is in it for you right now and what else you might like to explore:

The 9 layers of Lovemaking:

Arousal is the awakening of your physical sexual response- that hot, tingling, aliveness in your body, commonly accompanied by body tension.
Desire- the strong feeling of wanting to make love that can come from a thousand different places, often varying each time ie. the desire to feel pleasure, connection, wanted, ravished, to take or be taken, nurtured, loved, released etc.
Eroticism: the actions intending to arouse sexual desire.
Sensuality is gratification of the five senses- sight, sound, smell, taste and touch, which can involve sexual pleasure but is not limited to it.
High states of arousal can equally be found in high levels of relaxation when activated by the breath.
Emotional connection though the sharing of intimacy and love within sex.
Polarity play between masculine and feminine energies of action/dominance/penetration and beingness/surrender/receptivity.
Orgasm is where sexual pleasure rises to a peak, explodes and then subsides, with or without pelvic floor muscle contrations. During the explosive peak there is an experience of “little death’ or loss of the Ego rational mind, a moment of freedom from the idea of Self.
Transcendence where we go beyond the conditioned mind into a spiritual like state of freedom, being or bliss.

How would you choose to bring in new layers to what you’re currently experiencing?

If you would like some support in doing so contact us here and begin the conversation about what might be possible!

Talking About Sex: Making It Easier

May 4, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

We’re all unique when it comes to sex.

That’s why talking about sex is so important.

Here we help you explore what it is that you want actually want from sex and how to go about talking about it- outside of sex, during sex, when things aren’t working in sex, after sex, even around the children!

So let’s talk about sex, baby!

Even in this supposedly sexually open era few couples actually feel comfortable in talking with each other about what’s happening in their bedrooms, it’s still a very sticky subject. Sex for purely for pleasure and intimacy purposes is a pretty recent invention and it makes sense that we’re still learning how to talk about it. In our culture, sex is used in marketing everything from alcohol to tractors, so it is not difficult to imagine the confusion that people feel in not being able to discuss it openly and honestly with their lovers. So if this is you, you’re not alone. Difficulty in talking about it is totally understandable due to the socially conditioned shame we all carry about sex, which is either supported or undermined by the underlying dynamics of your own personal history and level of relationship intimacy.

But if you want a better sex life then finding a way to get through this fear and talking about it is essential.

Here are some tips to help THAT conversation:

Going about it the right way can mean simply having a conversation about sex can be a fulfilling sexual experience.

Starting with discussing this post and exploring the bigger picture may help.

Know that Yes, it may be uncomfortable, embarrassing, icky and scary but have no expectations, take some deep breaths and gently jump in.

Have no doubt your partner will be just as scared and embarrassed as you.
Pick a time and place with some space and privacy and especially not during sex.
Be willing to share first and take a level of risk that feels doable for you.
Simply owning your fear and embarrassment, admitting this is important for you and you feel unsure how to start IS a good start.

Do you see sex as one or more of these:

A source of love and connection, an unconditional giving and receiving?
A chance to de stress and relieve tension?
An inner exploration where learn something new about yourself?
A seeking of excitement and pleasure, of being on your edge?
A source of fantasy fulfilment where you act out your fantasies?
A fulfilment of your spiritual hunger to merge and be at one with all things, the end of separation, accessing other dimensions?
Self affirmation through giving your partner pleasure?
Maintenance sex, where you like to enjoy the things you’ve found that work, keeping it easy without lots of effort?
A healing of unmet intimacy needs, sexual shame or conditioning?
A way to enhance your physical and emotional wellbeing through energy generation?

Discuss what you mean by your answers and try to be as specific as you can, as this helps your partner to understand where you’re coming from.

Try not to force any outcomes just make it an exploration of where you’re both at, with the mindset that taking a step back to see more clearly may take you forward in a way beyond your wildest imagination.
Don’t be afraid to admit your own fears and short comings in sex, your partner will have their own and sharing them in a nonjudgmental setting can help

Getting specific about your sex together:

Discuss a little bit at a time if this is easier, you don’t have to make it a whole big conversation if this is too much.
Keep it as light as possible. There may be moments of challenge but you can also enjoy it.
Begin with compliments. Never underestimate the power of appreciation in this vulnerable place.
Have an intention to simply explore and understand. Rather than having an agenda of trying to get your partner to better meet your needs by telling them what they’re doing WRONG! (It’s amazing how many people think this approach will work…have been guilty of it ourselves in the past) Your partner will feel your agenda and your judgement, they’ll start out defensive and it will go downhill from here! The outcome of a gentler and more positive approach is totally the opposite, it’s likely to be your partner wanting to serve you better with more understanding and ease between you. We cannot overstate the importance of this approach.
It’s not easy but don’t take their comments personally, their comments show more about them than you.
Be curious about your lover’s experience rather than judgmental.
Discuss a little bit at a time if this is easier.
If you don’t know what it is that you want for yourself, try some self pleasuring and explore yourself to find out.
Get clear on what are your/your partner’s signals for wanting sex, and also get clear on what is NOT a signal. Talk about it.
Discuss what you would like more of/less of.
If you have any concerns, sandwich them between a layer of positives and offer a replacement suggestion so your lover has somewhere to go with it.
Share what are your ‘quickie turn ons”, what fills up your sexy tank if you’re starting out a bit flat? We each have them, they will be unique to us, find ones you can share.
Are there any times when your body is simply not available? Sharing these upfront reduces rejection.
What is your end game- how do you each like to finish? What works for each of you, can you combine them?

Ask questions of each other, be curious, explore possibilities.

Speak more of what you DO want than about what you don’t want.
Express desires but make no demands here as demands have only one of two responses- resistance or submission and submission creates resentment (unless you’re really into this!)
Most likely you will have a range of desires between you, go for a win/win situation.
Approach it from the place of being on the same team with both working towards a solution.

Sex = Children = No Sex

It’s funny how the gift of children that come from the act of sex seem to be the reason many people stop having sex after they arrive!

This is partly due to the place we keep sex in our minds- that it is private, embarrassing, naughty, dirty, or just noisy. And that kids shouldn’t know we’re doing it. It’s important to normalize sex, to make it part of family life, rather than keep it separate. It’s also vital that you’re relationship intimacy is not seen as less important than caring for your children’s needs. There is no reason why kids can’t be in the house whilst you’re making love (unless you’re wanting to get really wild and noisy, or otherwise complicated!). Open hearted pleasure that leaves you feeling great will nurture and uplift those around you as well. Talk about ‘parent time’ for loving each other or having cuddles. Set young children up with an activity to keep them occupied and if they happen to interrupt just tend to their need and come back, rather than give up or let your child get into bed with you. If you’re children are old enough to be up without supervision let them know you’re going to bed early to have some ‘connection time’ (no details needed). If you clearly hold sex in a place of importance and sacredness in yourself, your kids will do the same, even if they might smirk behind their hands whilst saying ‘Yuk’ they will ultimately highly value the positive role modelling you offer.

Talking about sex during sex:

It doesn’t have to be dirty talk (though this can add occasional spice!) but letting your partner know you’re loving what’s happening for you is a great way to build the intensity and deepen your connection, especially when done with eye connection. We all love being affirmed and this is a powerful place to be affirmed in. It can be as simple as “I’m loving that thing you’re doing with your tongue right now, it feels DELICIOUS! Oohs and Aahs are a good start but being specific (when you can engage your thoughts) incites even more energy into what is happening. Saying “I love you” with eye connection is very powerful.

Talking about what’s not working during sex:

When you’re actually in the moment keep your communication simple and direct.
Women generally fear speaking up about what they want but most men will love you for it if you leave the complaints out.
What men do fear is criticism in this tender place so rather than complaining about what is not working ask for what you do want instead. Eg. If you want a change say ‘this is ok and a little to the left would be even better!’ or ‘I’d love it if you could go a bit slower, that’s great, can you go even slower?’
Sometimes just taking your lover’s hand and putting it where you want it can be the most direct way.
Don’t expect your partner to remember every time as it can differ, just make it a habit of asking for what you want (ironically this takes the shame and frustration out of it and they’re more likely to remember).
If nothing is working it’s OK to pause, breathe and take the time to come back to a place of connection with yourselves and see what emerges from here. Don’t make it wrong. Don’t make your partner wrong. Don’t run away. Focus on what IS happening for you and share this ie. I’m feeling distracted, not really present, disconnected from myself, shutdown, left out, flat etc. Own this as your feeling, nothing to do with your partner (even the best technique in the world won’t get you there if you’re not available). If your partner is feeling something less than perfect don’t make it about you. As scary as it sounds stating what and allowing it to be ok can empower things to shift.

Talk after sex:

Just a simple ‘that was wonderful’ or ‘I love you’ can suffice immediately afterwards. A little later there is great benefit in sharing what you experienced for even though you may have felt totally in connection with one another we still have our own uniquely personal perspective. It’s also a great way to learn more for next time. This can include what you learned, what worked for you, and what challenged or didn’t work for you. Own your comments and speak from the heart.

Lastly, reassess your sexual map regularly, as like us, our sexual desires change over time.

If you would like any help in getting this conversation started give us a call on 1800 TANTRA or email us here

Women are not losing interest

March 9, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Women are not losing interest in bed…

They’re losing interest in the sex they’re having…

There is much said about lack of feminine libido in the world these days.

Yet when we we get a bit closer to women and hear what they really have to say it is not sex they’re losing interest in.

It’s more that they are losing interest in in the sex they’re having- disconnected, performance based sex.

Sex that is not a shared experience.

Sex that is not pleasurable, that is even painful.

Sex that leaves them feeling like a semen receptacle.

Women are as caught in this conditioned way of having sex as men are but are more fed up and wanting something different.

Women generally are interested in mutually connecting, equally pleasurable and deeply satisfying, even magical lovemaking.

This is the sex they will find the time and motivation for. And why wouldn’t they?

Women are looking for connection

There can be many reasons behind why a woman’s libido has gone out to lunch but here we’re going to focus on the aspect of connection.

Women are not losing interest in connection, and will only do so when hell freezes over…

Men want connection too.

Yet don’t we connect through the very act of sex, through two bodies becoming joined into one?

Well, yes. But this is only the most basic layer of connection.

There is more…

It’s where we are inside of us that takes connection to a whole different place.

It’s starts with how connected are we to ourselves.

If we’re stressed, worn out, living in our heads, not feeling our emotions, living in unused bodies then the sex we’ll have will have a minimum of connection.

So how do we get more connected?

Say YES to this part of yourself.

Your body listens to what your mind says and the more you say YES to it the more it will say YES to you! (The opposite is also true and you don’t want that!).

Recognise that you are a sexual being and take ownership of it.

Make the time to put some physical exercise into your life, awaken your body through brisk walking, taking the stairs, playing sport, bike riding, yoga, gardening anything to get your blood pumping, your muscles working and your energy moving.

And remember to stretch afterwards to keep your body supple and give the energy room to move.

Practice breathing.

Yes, we know you’ll be doing it anyway, but why not optimise it by regularly taking deep, full breaths into your belly, expand up into your chest and then just let go (preferably exhaling out through your mouth)!

Ah, it feels SO good. Breathing optimises your body’s energy levels so make the most of it anywhere, anytime!

You’ll be so glad you did.

Put your attention inside your body and experience what you’re feeling inside you.

You know what the biggest resistance people have to feeling their feelings? They don’t like what they find!

If you can let go of any negative judgements about what you’re feeling and just feel, breathing into your feelings (whatever they are) turns them into energy for living and loving.

Do something sensual with your body.

Put on your favourite sensual songs and move to them, feel their chords moving through and uplifting you.

Or stroke your body all over in a way that feels good to you (yes, even guys benefit from this), including your breasts and your butt (guys too).

Moisturise your body with oil or lotion.

Anoint yourself with your favourite essence.

Slowly eat something raw and bursting with vitality like a juicy peach or a fresh salad.

Appreciate something visually beautiful, whatever grabs your attention.

Find something to be grateful for and feel it opening your heart.

Do something sexy.

Wear something that has a sensual feel, looks good or moves with you.

Show a bit of cleavage, bare shoulders or legs.

Go without knickers.

Flirt with your partner, have some fun with yourself.

Don’t focus on your partner’s reaction, focus on having a good time in yourself, this way you can’t lose!

Watch a sexy movie.

Take it up a notch and self pleasure, taking time to breathe your energy through your body, nurturing and energising you.

Lighten up about life…Enjoy all of this for yourself!

The more you own your own body and the pleasure it is capable of the more you will experience it.

Fill yourself up with how good it feels.

Invite your lover to share you.

Let them feel your wanting.

There is nothing more desirable than feeling desired (when the desire is clear and not manipulative).

Get together and drop into the here and now moment. Just look at each other and take a few breaths, feeling your own bodies.

As we always say, sex is better when you relax at the beginning rather than just at the end.

Don’t react from those tired old sexual habits you’ve been using, instead just wait to see what inspires you right now and go from there.

The more you live in each moment the more the next step will arise. And the more authentic and juicy it will be!

When you feel sexual desire, breathe it up through your body to your heart, either along your spine or straight up through your centre.

Or take it right up to your Third Eye.

Where your mind goes your energy will follow.

Feel it energising, nurturing, opening and expanding you.

Be open to magic happening.

Not all sexual pleasure is about orgasm.

We can also experience other felt senses such as feeling at one with our lover or the universe;

feeling the sky, the sea or all of nature inside our bodies;

sensing that you’re somehow standing at the beginning of time itself;

seeing the earth appear inside your lover’s eyes.

If you open to your potential by being fully in your body you’ll activate your intuitive mind where all sorts of things can happen.

Does this feel like sex you would both be interested in?

If you would like support putting these suggestions in place or removing blocks to doing so email us or call 1800 TANTRA.