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What if we made love the way we had dinner?

January 11, 2018 By admin Leave a Comment

This intriguing contribution comes from interested reader of Oztantra newsletters Nenad Stojadinovic… (if you’d like to send us your own thoughts on sex or relationship, please do and we’ll include the best of them here!)

“Ever wonder what makes sex so special? As in a minefield?Tantra is making the most of life

I mean, it’s not like sex is the only interaction between people; we do lots of really significant things together either as couples or in groups. We work together in teams,
we join clubs and play sports, we create companies, we share passions, join military forces, stitch quilts, build barns, etc etc. and they generally turn out OK.

Imagine if people did dinner like they did sex, wouldn’t that be funny? Imagine a table of couples having dinner one evening …

Mary sits and stares at her plate. She really wants an exotic entree but doesn’t know how to pronounce the name and doesn’t dare ask. She eats boiled noodles.

Dave decides that he would rather sit at another table and vanishes, glass of wine in hand

Cynthia reaches over to Rafik’s plate and takes it away

Harry and Daisy sit and glare at each other over empty plates

Jayden grabs his young girlfriend Skye’s dessert and passes it around to his mates

Samantha arrives with a huge Jamaican guy that nobody knows

Alan bolts his entire dinner and leaves before Leslie finishes her entree

Danica and Frank sit opposite each other, decide to share their main and then pass their desserts to each other for a taste. Frank is secretly delighted that Danica likes his somewhat exotic dessert and plans to make it for her one evening at  home

Paisley and Moonji take some of the plants from the centrepiece and set fire to them over their empty plates. They pronounce themselves nourished and sated

Meanwhile, a bunch of folks gather together outside, bang a drum and extol the virtues of not eating love! “Sexual Energy life choices

Here at Oztantra we believe the reasons for all of the above behaviours are due to our fears of intimacy, of feeling and our sexual shame- which is why we’re passionate about teaching the skills to behave in ways that connect us, rather than keep us isolated and alone.
Even just reading the story above may give you insight into some of your own behaviours and the courage to make different choices in bed by seeing yourself at dinner…

We hope your next meal is a buffet!

Sexual Healing

February 11, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Sexual Healing, the Myth…

 

As a man, and a sexual male who is in a long term and committed relationship, I find it challenging to hear and read the current debate around sexual healing by male “healers” with women.

With this in mind, I have decided to speak out as a professional who works with men and women, both singles and those in long term relationships.

Sexual Healing Sessions

I have had many sessions with men and women, both as couples and singles, and most importantly on my own or with my partner Annette.

Either way, always following up with debriefing about my experience with her.spiritual-image-woman-hands-reaching-for-butterfly

I am also speaking from my place in my long term relationship with Annette, who is my lover, teacher, critic and business partner.

How I show up with her is my measure in how I am with a client, as it is also with her and her clients.

The relationship we share is a powerful space of deep clarity, challenge and compassion, and a gift that we both bring into our work.

We are “owner operators” in every sense of the phrase…..

Don’t get me wrong, I have on many occasions had sessions that involved varying degrees of nakedness and sexual touch.

One thing that I have not heard, in any of this “debate” around male sexual healers, is just how powerful a sexual healing experience can be for a woman, where she is fully clothed and not being physically touched.

Imagine a world where your intimate relationship is a source of connection and meaning...

How would it be, for you as woman to feel safe, and sexual in a way that is invited by a space that is clear, intense and healing?

Where the healing is in simply experiencing a deeply personal loving open hearted man in his sexuality, without personal agenda?

Where the opening is to herself rather than to the man, in a space held by clear masculine presence ?

“The myth is that sexual healing must involve nakedness or sexual touch, even sexual penetration”.

In fact, I believe the exact opposite is true in most cases.

Sexual Healing is not about sex

It is healing simply for a woman to be penetrated by clear masculine sexual heart presence while remaining fully clothed and not being physically touched.

In this space of not having sex, but in feeling her sexuality opening deeply as she opens her heart to herself, especially in a space held by deeply personal and loving masculine heart space.

Experiencing the difference between “universal” love and “deeply personal” love is a big part of what sexual healing is about, particularly while being held by clear healthy masculine presence, and this is not about having sex or even being sexual.

How many women have opened their hearts, only to have it quickly closed down by unconscious sex ?

Remembering, that most women have been hurt by unconscious men, and in too many cases, this masculine shadow or unconsciousness can also be cleverly disguised as “healing”.Witch at the stake

Abuse can happen when the woman opens to the healer rather than herself and is where she may loose herself and be susceptible to being taken advantage of.

Especially when she is moving towards her sexual empowerment and freedom.

Opening to herself

Clothed or not, a woman opening to herself will soon feel and tell a man with a hidden agenda where to go with it!

Over the years through our work, I have had many conversations with men “desiring” to learn the art of sexual healing and with out exception my direction with them is to learn about their own sexual heart connection first.tantric yes

How many women out there want to do something sexually empowering for themselves, but don’t want to have to bare their souls to more of the same, especially if it is even more cleverly disguised as “healing”.

Increasingly, people and particularly women have become fed up with the co dependancy that has plagued the modern Tantra movement and are expecting more depth and clarity from their experiences.

As a woman, simply trust your feelings first and foremost, and seek out a session that brings YOU in touch with your own awareness, coming into your feeling body and your heart, then from that place, connecting with what it is that you desire for yourself.

 

 

 

 

Infidelity: Can you recover?

February 9, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Infidelity is one of the last remaining taboos in relationship.Wife hiding phone conversation in infidelity

We have greater flexibility in the way relationships look than ever before yet somehow infidelity still packs the biggest wallop…

It is SO painful to find out your partners been involved with another for it occurs in the most personal and intimate parts of what you thought was your relationship. It’s a huge blow to our self esteem, especially if it becomes public. Even more so in modern relationships which are almost totally based on romantic or personal love. Infidelity feels like the ultimate form of rejection and shame.

These are the questions in infidelity that roll around in our heads:

For the person who has been betrayed:

How could they have done this to me? To us? Don’t they love me anymore? What have I done wrong? Am I just not good enough? How dare they?

For the person who’s had the affair the thoughts can be just as painful:

How could I have hurt the person that I love most in the world? How could I have been such a cheat? How could I have kept going on as I was before my affair?

Man considering infidelityInfidelity is a real blow to the ideal of ‘happy ever after’, it cuts right to the heart of relationship.

And the other question both people are asking: Can I/we get over this?

Deciding whether to work on your relationship or head out the door is the choice you now face.

It often seems easier to bolt out the door but it isn’t necessarily in the long run. Understanding the dynamics of affairs in general, and in your relationship in particular will help you make a healthier decision.

The first thing to understand about affairs is:

They trigger a huge amount of shame, of feeling wrong for both the doer and one who’s been done to. Shame is one of the most uncomfortable feelings of all to deal with. It makes us want to curl up inside and disappear because we feel so wrong! It’s important to remember that shame IS just a feeling and when we recognise it and see it for what it is, being willing to make it ok, we can reduce its intensity enough to see what is going on more clearlywe're just friends

Affairs are not new, they’ve have been around as long as relationships. It seems as humans they’re hard to avoid. People in otherwise ‘happy’ relationships also have affairs. Even people in so called ‘open’ relationships have them. Perhaps the very ideal of relationship, of coupledom invites the situation- from being so much ‘the couple’ people having affairs report striking out for something that is just ‘theirs’.

That’s the second important thing to know.

It’s important to see, even in your hurt, that the affair probably wasn’t done to hurt you.

People having affairs don’t so much turn away from their partners as much as look for something missing in themselves. Affairs are less about the actual sex than about the desire to want/feel wanted, to feel special, important, to find the mystery of having what is forbidden.

And especially to feel fully alive again.

People having affairs often feel disconnected from their partner, in relationship but not really relatingfeeling alive in ifidelity
Being bored in their lives OR in their relationship
Not feeling sexually desired or desirable
Not able to discuss this with their partner to find a way forward in the relationship
They might feel undervalued by their partner, unneeded or overwhelmed by their partners needs

Finding that feeling of edgy aliveness, that can become addictive and hard to give up, even when the affair is no longer so ‘hot’. A feeling it seems impossible to find in the existing relationship that’s settled into a place of routine.

Occasionally there might be a more serious inability to sustain relationship at all that results in repeated affairs and requires more serious attention.

Affairs seem to be the attractive solution to the all of above issues.

So what should you do in this situation?

  1. You have to be able to let go of the need for punishing your partner and playing the role of victim (as tempting as it might appear to pour acid over their car or expose them as a traitor on Facebook) as this is going to destroy any chance of your re-establishing a healthy dynamic.
  2. Know that you are the only one that can heal YOUR hurt because it is inside you. It is your choice to hold onto it or not. Your partner cannot do this for you, only you can. Part of this healing is taking a look at ways you might have contributed, not to the affair, but to the place in your relationship that made the affair a possibility. Infidelity comes in many forms- addictions, overwork, over focussing on the children at the expense of the relationship, even sport and being on lots of committees. Betrayal can come in the form of indifference, avoidance, criticism, sarcasm and manipulation. Finding your contribution is an essential but not easy thing to do when we feel so wronged. But once there is more understanding forgiveness can begin to happen.
  3. Your partner CAN help by showing genuine remorse for the hurt you’re feeling. Sometimes they may not feel real remorse for the affair itself. This is when it has brought new aliveness, new clarity in the individual who has had the affair. And where it brings new potential in your existing relationship, bringing things out in the open that were otherwise killing it. It can be hard for the person hurting in the infidelity to see but this can be where the most potential lies for healing.
  4. Your partner can also help by being willing to restore and maintain the boundaries in your relationship in order to rebuild your trust. Remember this is only part of the healing, if this is all that happens it is not a solution, it’s a time bomb waiting to go off.
  5. You need to resolve the underlying issues that led to the affair. Discover what led to the choice being made and what can you each do to prevent the situation happening again. And find the things that you value about your relationship with each other. Learn how you can bring the aliveness, the freedom, the connection, the mystery into your own relationship.

The outcome of an affair is up to both of you.

Sometimes an affair is simply the outward sign of a relationship that needs to end.

More often it can be the beginning of something stronger than ever before.

It won’t be as easy as walking out the door but the rewards can be many.

So, can you get over infidelity?

Possibly.

Should you try? Most definitely.

To deal with the affair and at least try to move forward is actually far braver and harder than just giving up and leaving.

Oztantra have a number of ways to support you in doing just that, including our Online Relationship Course

Genital Appreciation

September 30, 2015 By admin Leave a Comment

Genital Appreciation Week…

breasts

Yes, last time we offered Breast Appreciation Week and from the response we received it sounded like a lot of people out there rose to the call- both Men & Women.

This time we’re going a little lower and inviting you to consider the art of genital appreciation.

Yes, you did hear us right, we said GENITAL Appreciation.

Think about it…we spend much time either denying or ignoring our genitals until we demand they respond big time to our desires for maximum pleasure and connection.

This focus on ignorance vs performance can leave them a little disconnected or neglected.

male groinAnd if you’re into high friction sex or masturbation without conscious breathing (which maybe you aren’t if you’re here) your genitals will also be desensitized.

And believe it or not your genitals are more than just physical bits of us that wiggle, harden and flow. They are their own distinct and individual entities that can feel taken for granted, neglected or abused due to a very subtle level of awareness that you can tune into if you take the time to listen.

They will respond to your, and your lover’s love and attention and reward you with heightened sensitivity and a feeling of the sacredness that lies within them that makes making love feel more than just having sex.

So how do you go about a bit of genital appreciation?

Allow 20 mins per person (use a timer if you wish)
If you are doing this with your lover you start with taking turns.butt image
The person being appreciated lies down and exposes as much of their genitals as they feel comfortable with. The person doing the appreciation finds a comfortable position from which to view and casts their eyes on their lovers sexy bits with love and appreciation. The receiver just allows themselves to be viewed appreciatively. Then swap.
If you are by yourself you can use a mirror to view yourself with.Sounds pretty simple? Yes. Sounds pretty weird? Yes. Sounds pretty boring, too? Yes.

So when does it become beneficial?

When you go under the doing of the act and move into the being.

male groinSuch is the power of our sex organs they can transport us into an expanded reality if we allow them.


You have to get really, really present with yourself and with them otherwise you’ll miss it..

It can be incredibly sensual and intimate.

Giver: Pause. Breathe. Drop into your own body. Rather then using your mind to to think and judge here just experience, as if nothing else exists. Let the shape, curve, length, roundness, softness etc draw you in. Breathe into your heart and open your subtle senses, notice what happens.

Receiver: Pause. Breathe. Drop into your body. Take your attention to your genitals and think of their shape, butt imagedefinition without judgment. Get really, really present with them, as if nothing else exists. Observe any embarrassment and breathe into it, give it love and it will fade. Go a little deeper and ‘sense’ them, do they feel,seem open, closed, happy, neglected, appreciated etc. Ask them if they have a message for you. Don’t think it, just wait and see what comes. Then just breathe and be. Let the love in.

When the time is up thank each other and swap over.
On completion spoon together for a few minutes then share your experience. Keep your words positive and descriptive as the vulnerability can be high.

Nb. For those purists who may consider these images too “sexualized” for a “spiritual” article we believe that love and enlightenment can be achieved through the body and its sexuality, rather than being kept separate from it. It can be hard to see in this age of sex image overwhelm but underneath this truth remains. If you’re not sure then try the exercise above.

For comment or further information contact us today on 1800 TANTRA or email here

 

What IS Tantric Touch?

September 9, 2015 By admin Leave a Comment

What makes Tantric Touch different to other kinds of touch?

Tantric touch is often spoken about as if it is something mysterious and special and that’s because it really is special!

Here we seek to explain how it differs from any other type of touch or massage you might receive.

Tantric Touch challenges our conditioning around pleasure

For a start tantric touch is different from others because it involves touch for purely for pleasure. Most touch we experience is for nurturing, comforting, playing or fixing sore muscles. Many of us still have negative conditioningTantric Touch in the grass around pleasure and this in itself takes receiving (and giving) touch for pleasure to a whole new place. For those of us who can recall being told not to touch ourselves in ways that felt good and usually “down there” by  agitated grownups who, would immediately tell us this was on a good day,  best to be kept private or on a bad day, we are bad or dirty for doing it. Yet how many of us continued to touch ourselves (albeit furtively) just because it felt good? When we did it was with associated guilt or shame, forever linking these two feelings with pleasure and creating much confusion in our psyche.

Some of us carry beliefs from religious, cultural or societal conditioning about pleasure not only being wrong or sinful, but it can also have scary consequences like pregnancy, disease, getting addicted or being labelled “a slut”. Or we may have been told we have to earn our rewards, or that somehow WE don’t deserve pleasure or even that it is better to give than receive.

So the very idea of receiving touch simply for pleasure can bring up any of this subconscious conditioning, leaving us deliciously excited or nervous and embarrassed. Tantric touch can be a deeply healing and loving experience, simply by the very fact that it challenges these parts that we hold in shadow.

Tantric Touch can involve our ‘Sexy bits’Touch can be the beginning in Tantra

In most kinds of therapeutic touch or massage the breasts and genitals are appropriately kept covered and separate. In Tantric touch these intimate parts of us are not seen as separate from the rest of the body and may be included (though this is not required), as Tantra is about moving beyond duality into union. This inclusion brings up even deeper layers of childhood conditioning for healing as mentioned above. Having said that Conscious Tantric touch can be totally delicious simply on someone’s face, shoulders, arm or leg!

Tantric EnergyThere is an exchange of energy

In Tantra it is believed that we are not solid beings but vibrating energy bodies. Tantric Touch activates this energy and as it moves in the body it feels like pleasure. This energy (sex or spirit) moves between the giver and receiver so that neither one feels like they’re actually giving or receiving. The boundaries between them can become blurred, the connection deep and expanded.

We are more aware of ourselves

Tantric touch is touch without agenda, other than to be experienced fully. There is no focus on performance or orgasm, even if genitals are included. Both giver and receiver are fully in the moment and open to whatever happens. There is more space to feel pleasure, emotion, love, everything because all is welcome. In this space more thoughts can arise leading us to a greater awareness of Self, of what is going on under our surface. The challenge is to accept and let go of anything that is blocking us from being fully present.

We are not used to feeling extended pleasure

Allow yourself to receive in tantric massageIn Tantric touch there is more space for pleasure to arise without judgement. Most of the pleasure we feel either feels time limited, guilty and short lived. Or we have the desire DO something with the pleasure, to take it to some sort of completion, either orgasm or intercourse. In Tantric touch we breathe into the sensation of pleasure and enjoy it for what it is and that is all, knowing the pleasure in itself is healing, opening and nurturing in itself. We can choose to expand and prolong pleasure by surrendering deeper into our pleasure but never withholding it. This leads to an incredible sense of freedom and heightened states of feeling, connection and awareness.

We need to be fully connected to ourselves

Much regular touch is focussed on giving and receiving. In Tantric touch the focus is on ourselves as much as the other. We are fully present in the moment, breathing into our own heart and body without expectation, allowing the touch to flow rather than be technique based. The more present we are in ourselves, the more our partner will feel held and safe to surrender. Only then are we  fully present with the other and simply exploring their body rather than trying to control or manipulate it.

The receiving is active

The receiver is not passively lying there being touched. They seek to open themselves to the touch by being in the moment, letting go of thoughts, of tension, resistance and any closedness in their hearts, mind and body. It is a surrender of their mind into their heart, body and soul. If emotions are felt they are received and honoured as much as pleasure.

The touch is consciousHeart to Heart communication

Before touch is entered into there is a discussion and agreement about entering into this space of connection together. There is a focus on creating an atmosphere of safety and respect, with time and physical boundaries clear and without the use of ‘energetic consent’ ie. this is where the giver ‘senses’ the receiver wants something and gives or even takes without asking. This is too open to misinterpretation, if in doubt ask. Communication is vital for both partners. Remember that eye contact is a beautiful part of communication and is also a pathway for energy exchange so include plenty of it!

General Guidelines for Tantric Touch:

  1. Begin by centreing into your own body, mind and heart, for the more centred you are the better it will be for both giver and receiver.
  1. Pay attention to what your hands do as your palms and tips of your fingers are energy giving centres. ConnectTantric Touch energy the energy circuit, allowing energy to move by having both hands, or some fingers from each of your hands on your partner’s body at the same time (a little like plugging the electrical cord into the socket). Move your heart energy through your hands as you touch. You can imagine this energy as a white light coming from your heart down through your arms and into your hands. Play with this, and remember where the mind (consciousness) goes the energy follows.
  1. Give and receive with your touch by moving your hands at a pressure and speed that creates a tingling between your hand and your partner’s skin. Experiment to get the touch right. If it feels good to you then it will likely feel good to them.
  1. Bring more consciousness into your touch. Let your hands energetically grow- visualize the light extendingTantra Massage beyond your hands and fingers and into your partner’s body.
  1. Run energy (or light) from your right hand through your partner into your left hand, then up through your heart and out your right hand, creating a circuit of energy. Giving your mind something to focus on stops it from wandering, increasing your level of presence, and ultimately the enjoyment of both giver and receiver.
  1. Bring feeling and emotion into your touch: love, nurturing, compassion, as well as passion. Touch all chakras, front and back.
  1. Any movement or touch, even greatly pleasurable ones, will lose its sensitivity if repeated continually. When you find a good area, leave it….and visit it often. Branch outward from it to another area. Unless it is just prior to orgasm then stay consistent and see what happens.
  1. Always remember it is the brain which experiences the pleasure. The best techniques will give deeper results as the mind/body connection is opened. Each of the touch modalities has its Yin (soft) and Yang (firm) expression. Use both! The brain picks up more information, energy and healing when a yin stroke is followed by a yang one or vice versa.
  1. As you touch them invite your partner to breathe in as if they are breathing in from a pool of love just beyond their feet, up through their body and out the top of their head. Then to breathe out from the pool of love just beyond their head down and out their feet. This washes their whole body with love.

 10.     Modalities:

Static touch (not moving) can be exquisite.

Moving touch, short strokes, circles, long strokes, spirals, sideway strokes and triangles.

Vibrating

Scratching.

Tapping/slapping.

Squeezing, including kneading and pinching.

Vary speed, depth, pressure and firmness of each touch, starting with light and slow.

Always check in continually as to how the receiver is enjoying a particular touch.
If they aren’t, don’t take it personally, just move on to something else.

For more on Tantric Touch click here

A Sexually Empowered Woman

August 29, 2015 By admin Leave a Comment

What Does a Sexually Empowered Woman Look Like?

This question came up after reflecting on my sexual journey over the years and writing it has stunned me to see all Annette Baulch Oztantrathe benefits I have found in embracing this part of myself. I am not all of these all the time but I have definitely experienced many such moments of each.
Do any of them resonate with you?

A sexually empowered woman is:  (in no particular order)

She is comfortable in her skin, in her body and at ease with who she is in the world.

Her self esteem is not related to men’s (or anyone’s) opinion of her.

She makes her own choices and does not need to conform to the roles required of her by others.

She has deep friendships with women and relates to them as sisters rather than competitors.

She is without the need to compete with other women for attention from men.

She can enjoy feelings of sexual arousal that may arise within her through contact with another knowing that she can fully embrace these feelings of warm, melting, tingling aliveness without needing to act on them , unless it is right for her to do so.

She doesn’t perform in sex , instead experiences it fully as an expression of herself, whoever she is in that moment- maiden, lover, wild woman, slut, healer, Goddess and many more.

She has her own inner moral code that she can trust without needing to rely on external rules of behaviour.

She buys clothes and lingerie to enjoy for herself rather than to impress or manipulate others.

She doesn’t have to dress sexy (although she can!) because she IS sex and she knows it.The art of self pleasure

She has an open heart that sees sex as an expression of love rather than being separate from it.

She is connected with her own body and is able to touch herself sensually, sexually and with love.

She releases shame from her body by owning it as an instrument of love and pleasure.

She doesn’t limit herself to genital pleasure but experiences it in every part of her body.

She nurtures it by eating well, exercising regularly and attending to its needs.

She has a relationship with the wisdom of her Yoni (vulva/vagina/womb) and takes the time to listen to Her messages.

She sees sexuality as a power within herself rather than a power over others to manipulate or dominate them with.

She knows the feeling of freedom that comes from within.

She experiences an expansion in herself as well as pleasure in her sex.Female sexuality more than just lingerie

She is creative, playful, spontaneous and intuitive.

She will leave you feeling sated, energized, nurtured, inspired and loved.

She knows that love will arise in all moments of full presence in intimacy with another and accepts the magic of this without needing to attach any further meaning to it.

She chooses to breathe consciously when making love, to ground, connect and expand her awareness and pleasure.

She heart openly embraces her inner slut, not allowing the shame of her conditioning to stop her.

She is not afraid to talk about sex.

She knows there is a time for sex and time without it.

She is willing to feel everything– pleasure, emotion, bliss, pain and love for they are all pathways to herself.

She is not afraid to feel the pain of rejection.

She lets go the stories from her conditioning around sex knowing they come from shame and fear.Painful sex makes us want to say no to sex

She is clear and respectful in her desires and boundaries. If she is not clear she will be willing talk to you about it.

She does not attract men who are abusive, controlling, manipulative, shaming, disempowered or otherwise unconscious as they are afraid to approach her clear, grounded power.

She is not afraid of having a good time, of creating a good time for all, not just for herself simply by being who she is.

She has a good understanding of her body from hours of practice in self pleasuring and is able to ask clearly for what she wants.

She doesn’t expect her lover to everything for her.

She is able to open herself in lovemaking and actively receive her lovers touch, increasing the pleasure for both.

She is able to greatly enjoy giving her lover pleasure without giving herself away.

She knows to nurture herself with her sexual energy by moving it up through her body where it nurtures and awakens her.

She is not afraid of intensity in her feelings.

She seeks to enjoy her yearnings and longings for another rather than suffer in them.Sensual Woman

If she desires sex she becomes it, so there is no further need to desire.

She knows the power of sex to heal, nurture and awaken.

She sees sexuality as a part of spirituality, her very aliveness, part of the world’s big mystery.

She can equally participate in a really earthy fuck, a loving and gentle caress or moments of divine union. In fact she likes a little of each!

She comes to her partner as a loving equal wanting to share and create together.

She will demand a safe, respectful space to make love in and if she doesn’t feel safe she is willing to help create safety or leave where this is not possible.

She will not seek to own her lover and if she feels jealous she will see it is because she has stepped away from her connection with herself and will come back to herself again.

She will want you to go deep with her, as deep as she can go with herself.

She will want you to fuck her from an open heart, as that is what she will be doing with you.

She will be a Goddess not a Princess.

She IS radiant beauty and power.

She can have one lover or many but she will make it a choice.Female sexuality is all about feeling

She will crack your heart open with her capacity for vulnerability and surrender- to her own heart and to you.

If you crack she will hold you with the utmost presence and tenderness making it a moment of safety, love and joy.

She will be fully in relationship with herself, her sexuality and with love.

She will give to you, teach and change you just through being who she is, through bringing light to your own darkness.

If you would like to add more layers to your own sexual journey contact Annette on 1800 TANTRA or email here

Or join her for this event in Brisbane on Sept 5th

Men Is your sex life boring?

June 18, 2015 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Man bored with sexMen-

Do you somehow feel like you’re missing out on a little sexual something? Like there should be more to it than this? Is your sex life boring? Maybe your orgasms and/or erections aren’t as enjoyable or reliable as they used to?

Especially if you’re with a woman who is writhing in multi orgasmic waves of pleasure as you hold back to watch her with joy yet more than a little envy?

Does it seem like the results with new toys, extra porn and even a little BDSM are disappointing despite all the hype?

Well, don’t despair all is not lost, there is more than you are currently experiencing. You too can glimpse the infinite world of pleasure and even ecstasy that are like glimpsing into the 100 billion galaxies reported by NASA to exist in the universe.

And the first step is to claim more of your own pleasure. Not just in those final few seconds but the whole way through. You are so good at giving and being there for your lover but it is no longer your job to simply wait until they’ve had their share. Why not join in in more of your own?

Men who have learned to experience deep pleasure really know that not only does it feel amazing but is heart opening as well as body and soul nurturing for both himself AND his lover.

Lasting LongerEjaculation for the man has long been viewed as the natural completion of sex, his biological need to release sperm in order to procreate and the pleasure that came with it was automatic. So in this way man’s sexual pleasure has been covert, unlike a woman whose sexual pleasure is largely separate to her ability to procreate and she’s had to claim it for herself, he hasn’t yet had to, until now. So much more is possible for you!

In today’s society sex (at least in the west) has become freer, less procreation and more pleasure based (leaving aside the intimacy and connection factor in sex for now).  With this focus women’s pleasure has rightly become more important and more achievable. Yet somehow man’s pleasure (and his potency) has become less, sadly with menMan in shame reporting feeling selfish, even shameful if focussing on his own pleasure, so he emotionally disconnect from his partner and disappear in order to be able to feel pleasure rather than shame. Because of this he often derives more satisfaction in helping his lover come than in feeling his own pleasure. His few moments of ‘coming’, his greatest point of feeling pleasure feels frustratingly limited to him allowing boredom to set in. In reality he is capable of multiple orgasms and a choice in coming or not…

One of the challenges in being a man is believing you have to be the good provider and are therefore responsible for your partner’s pleasure is that in doing so you are coming from your conditioning rather than from what is possible. Your lover is actually responsible for creating their own pleasure. Yes, you can help by being there but it doesn’t mean you have to give up yourself in the process.

And your conditioning may even tell you that for you to be a good lover you need to be totally there for your partner as the more pleasure they have the better lover you’ll be. The challenge with this is that you are putting your rewards in your lover’s hands and setting yourself up for failure. Rely on her pleasure too often and she’ll feel manipulated, like she has to perform to make you feel good about yourself- if she either doesn’t want to disappoint you or she is pissed of about being in this position- she’ll bring out the time honoured fake orgasm.

When a man gives himself permission to really feel his own pleasure it allows him to feel more connected to himself and significantly reduces the pressure to perform that he often feels during love making, reducing his fear of failure and transforming his intimate connection into something truly magical.

The pathway is TantraDespite his conditioning it is not selfish for a man to let go of striving for the end goal and take the time to slow down and feel more along the way in lovemaking, in fact it is vital.  For when a man is more familiar with feeling his pleasure it means he is more present and more in his body, inviting more potency, allowing pleasure to arise rather than having to force it.

Any man who chooses to be present in his body will open up to the full potential of pleasure during the whole love making session, rather than just his usual few seconds at the end. It’s the beginning of his ability to become multiply orgasmic if he desires. With practice this allows a man to be more present with his lover as well as his pleasure, no matter how intense. His lover will eat this up!

When a man understands that women actually enjoy feeling a man feeling his pleasure as it means she can feel more of him open and connected to her (similar to him enjoying feeling her pleasure) he can do so more easily without disappearing.

Taking responsibility for his own pleasure takes away the burden of having to ‘provide’ his partner with theirs whilst he is missing out.  This takes away the subtle (and not so subtle) manipulations that can occur in trying to make his pleasure happen through the other person, allowing more intimacy and authenticity = even more pleasure.

Feeling himself and being at ease in his own pleasure allows him to enjoy that place in himself where he just loves to give from, with the giving coming direct from his heart- It’s truly yummy for the receiver!

When he’s connected with himself he will automatically be more aware of the subtleties of his experience and where his partner is at. It makes him less reliant on ‘technique’ and more available to intuitive understanding which is much juicier.

Making the leap with an individual sessionBoth lovers benefit from the resonance in the matching energy vibrations of pleasure, where the pleasure in his body literally invites the pleasure in theirs to awaken, creating more pleasure for both.

And lastly, both open to the possibility of a more intimate, loving and deeper connection that happens through being embodied and available in your feelings, senses, emotions and pleasure that needing to perform for the other takes away. It offers glimpses into the mystery beyond getting it right and fearing failure.

So what do you do if you’re not totally focussing on your lover, trying to hold off or really going for your few seconds of pleasure?

  1. Choose to believe you are worthy as a person even without having any external goals to achieve.
  2. Know your pleasure is as vital to lovemaking as your lovers, the whole way through not just at the end.
  3. Make your goal getting present and connected with yourself and open to pleasure.
  4. Practice being present in your own body by having your attention focused inside of you until you can be aware of yours first, then include your lovers. Self pleasuring, especially with your other hand on your heart, is great for helping you learn this.
  5. Touch your own lingam (penis, cock) at times to connect with yourself and your own feelings. You don’t have to wait for your lover to do so. Mix up the touching with your body and theirs until you really get this. With practice it will become effortless.
  6. BREATHE deeper and slower. Mouth breathe (especially on exhalation).
  7. Slow down, be more in the moment, feel yourself, sexually and even emotionally.

Here you have it men, the more you let go of performing and feel your pleasure the more present and connected you will be to yourself.  The more your lover will feel you. The more relaxed (yet excited), nurtured and satisfied both of you will feel.

And by the way, even though we do it for different reasons women who feel driven to perform can benefit from following the above steps as well…

If your sex life is boring and you want to find out more about how to change it call 1800 TANTRA or click here

Female Desire and Arousal

March 6, 2015 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Understanding Female Desire & Arousal

Are you one of the many women now reporting a low level of desire for sex? And how is it impacting on your sex life and your sense of self? Is there a part of you that just wishes you could take a little blue pill and have all your sexual needs fulfilled? Female desire and arousal is a complex subject.

Recently Sprout Pharmaceuticals resubmitted its (twice already rejected) drug Flibanserin to U.S. Food and Drug Blue pills for female desire and arousalAdministration for approval. Flibanserin  is a drug intended to treat the disease of low sexual desire in women. But is the problem of low sexual desire really a true disease classification or is it simply pathologizing a variation of normal, perhaps even just a lack of understanding what is possible?  The ‘disease’ of low sexual desire was originally classified as ‘a lack of sexual fantasies and desire for sexual activity’ ie. thoughts of sex leading to arousal that motivates the person to pursue satisfaction. This very limited view largely based on the male experience has now been broadened to include female desire and arousal- the difference between sexual interest and physical arousal, where a woman may not feel hungry for or interested in sex but this does not mean she is incapable of becoming aroused given the right situation.

There so much more to a woman’s sexuality than just fantasy, desire and horniness it is no wonder we get confused 50 Shades of Greyat times. We have generations of social conditioning telling us to push down those thoughts or feelings as ‘wrong’ for good girls.  Yet if we look at ‘hot’ romance novels or the success of the ubiquitous 50 Shades of Grey our interest is very much there. Such a big part of sexual desire is having a healthy relationship with our sexual selves and giving ourselves permission to go there, to understand what it means for us and to trust that we are ok in it. It can take a bit for her to ‘get there’ but when she fully does a woman can even be sexually voracious.

There is also the need for her to decide for herself in this hypersexualized culture what is sexually right for her. Is there a perception that she should be interested in sex more often than she actually wants/needs to be? It can be hard for a woman to find her innate sexual desires due to the impact of the many ‘shoulds’ in her culture, in her desire to seek approval from those around her as well as how to meet the desires of her lover.

Lastly there is her relationship to her vulnerability and her heart. If she is scared, carrying past hurts, anger fear or unexpressed sadness then her heart will be closed, not only to her lover but also to herself. This closedness in a woman’s heart cuts off her access to her energetic and sensitive feeling body and will have her saying no to even theheart plays role in female desire and arousal idea of sex as a way of staying out of this vulnerable place.

Telling a woman that she is diseased, faulty and needing to be fixed is the last way to address the issue of sexual desire. Some women may ultimately benefit from such a drug as Flibanserin but there is much more to a woman’s level of desire for sex and her arousal state that just her ability to feel ‘horny’. Sometimes it is just a case of cultivating feelings of arousal first and then desire awakens- in other words choosing to be sexual without feeling it first then finding the desire comes.

Other important aspects of sex are simply how present a woman is in her body in the first place. These days a woman is often busy doing six things at once, pushing herself to achieve, focussing on the use of her intellect, repressing her socially unacceptable emotional and feeling self and relying on her adrenaline stimulating, hyper stressed sympathetic action oriented nervous system to do so. This way of being keeps a woman in her head and disconnects her from her more sensitive feeling body. In this place the release of tension, through more edgy, ‘horny’ adrenaline and dopamine based sex, what is currently seen as ‘normal’ sex, can be just what a woman wants.

But if she experiences desire post arousal she will turn to her parasympathetic nervous system instead which is all about relaxation, time to breathe, connect to her body and to herself. Give a woman time to relax, breathe and connect to herself and her state changes. Relaxation promotes feelings of safety. Remembering pleasurable sexual relaxation for female desire and arousalfeelings/experiences helps activate the autonomic nervous system (of which the parasympathetic NS is a part) promoting arousal and lubrication. An accepting, loving partner (or her loving self) with consistent gentle touch, kisses, words of appreciation (not just niceties, these are part of the arousal system) continues to activate her full melting response ie. heavier breathing, raised heart rate, flushed skin, erect nipples, whole body sensitivity, engorged labia and vaginal walls, lubrication  and dopamine release causing an anticipation/desire for sex. This full depth of activation results in the highest opoid (feel good) and oxytocin (bonding) chemical release allowing true satiation. The challenge with this system is that it operates largely beyond our conscious control- we can’t “will” it to happen in the mind (as any woman, or man, who has tried to ‘make’ an orgasm happen knows), we can only allow it to happen whilst following the above steps.

Pathologizing this difference between female desire and arousal rather than understanding it just puts a woman into shame believing she is wrong somehow, putting further distance between herself and her sexual power.  When a woman experiencing responsive desire (desire post arousal) comes to understand how to make the most of her desire, she opens up the opportunity for greater satisfaction. Studies have shown that the closer a woman comes to orgasm her capacity for behaviour regulation becomes deactivated, judgement is suspended and her inner ‘wild woman’ is released with freedom from pain and altered states of consciousness. Well worth the effort of getting there!

At times relaxing, connecting with her body and some loving touch still does not allow a woman’s arousal to flow. In this place it helps for her to connect with her heart, feel into it and notice if she is holding it closed for any reason, taking some time to be with whatever is there. Perhaps it is a wall between her and her partner, or just a deeper level heart connection for female desire and arousalof separation from herself, the stress of which activates her stress or sympathetic NS, creating tension and blocking the parasympathetic relaxation/safety response. A little compassionate attention to this part of herself, breathing into or tapping her heart, allowing any accompanying emotions to release can allow her to feel safe and connected enough with herself for arousal and desire to arise.  This can be the hardest thing for a woman to give herself permission for, this bit of time, overriding it with less satisfying harder sex. For her lover in this space just know there is nothing to fix here, just bring her your grounded presence and the space to connect with herself.

Even broader than this is the relationship a woman has with her sexuality as her life force energy, her vitality and essence for living, inspiration for her creative and intuitive self, her spiritual gateway. Where cultivation of her sexual energy is for more than just in the bedroom, is about more than desire, where it is about awakening herself.

Embracing our differences and working with our sexuality, our unique female desire and arousal, (actually it is much more complex for the male of the species than we generally believe as well) rather than against it can do more than negatively categorizing and focussing just on chemical fixes alone ever will.

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Graeme 0457 966 696
Annette 0437 966 696

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