sexual shame Archives - Relationship & Sexuality Counselling Specialists

What if we made love the way we had dinner?

January 11, 2018 By admin Leave a Comment

This intriguing contribution comes from interested reader of Oztantra newsletters Nenad Stojadinovic… (if you’d like to send us your own thoughts on sex or relationship, please do and we’ll include the best of them here!)

“Ever wonder what makes sex so special? As in a minefield?

I mean, it’s not like sex is the only interaction between people; we do lots of really significant things together either as couples or in groups. We work together in teams,
we join clubs and play sports, we create companies, we share passions, join military forces, stitch quilts, build barns, etc etc. and they generally turn out OK.

Imagine if people did dinner like they did sex, wouldn’t that be funny? Imagine a table of couples having dinner one evening …

Mary sits and stares at her plate. She really wants an exotic entree but doesn’t know how to pronounce the name and doesn’t dare ask. She eats boiled noodles.

Dave decides that he would rather sit at another table and vanishes, glass of wine in hand

Cynthia reaches over to Rafik’s plate and takes it away

Harry and Daisy sit and glare at each other over empty plates

Jayden grabs his young girlfriend Skye’s dessert and passes it around to his mates

Samantha arrives with a huge Jamaican guy that nobody knows

Alan bolts his entire dinner and leaves before Leslie finishes her entree

Danica and Frank sit opposite each other, decide to share their main and then pass their desserts to each other for a taste. Frank is secretly delighted that Danica likes his somewhat exotic dessert and plans to make it for her one evening at home

Paisley and Moonji take some of the plants from the centrepiece and set fire to them over their empty plates. They pronounce themselves nourished and sated

Meanwhile, a bunch of folks gather together outside, bang a drum and extol the virtues of not eating love! “

Here at Oztantra we believe the reasons for all of the above behaviours are due to our fears of intimacy, of feeling and our sexual shame- which is why we’re passionate about teaching the skills to behave in ways that connect us, rather than keep us isolated and alone.
Even just reading the story above may give you insight into some of your own behaviours and the courage to make different choices in bed by seeing yourself at dinner…

We hope your next meal is a buffet!

Sexual Healing

February 11, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Sexual Healing, the Myth…

As a man, and a sexual male who is in a long term and committed relationship, I find it challenging to hear and read the current debate around sexual healing by male “healers” with women.

With this in mind, I have decided to speak out as a professional who works with men and women, both singles and those in long term relationships.

Sexual Healing Sessions

I have had many sessions with men and women, both as couples and singles, and most importantly on my own or with my partner Annette.

Either way, always following up with debriefing about my experience with her.

I am also speaking from my place in my long term relationship with Annette, who is my lover, teacher, critic and business partner.

How I show up with her is my measure in how I am with a client, as it is also with her and her clients.

The relationship we share is a powerful space of deep clarity, challenge and compassion, and a gift that we both bring into our work.

We are “owner operators” in every sense of the phrase…..

Don’t get me wrong, I have on many occasions had sessions that involved varying degrees of nakedness and sexual touch.

One thing that I have not heard, in any of this “debate” around male sexual healers, is just how powerful a sexual healing experience can be for a woman, where she is fully clothed and not being physically touched.

How would it be, for you as woman to feel safe, and sexual in a way that is invited by a space that is clear, intense and healing?

Where the healing is in simply experiencing a deeply personal loving open hearted man in his sexuality, without personal agenda?

Where the opening is to herself rather than to the man, in a space held by clear masculine presence ?

“The myth is that sexual healing must involve nakedness or sexual touch, even sexual penetration”.

In fact, I believe the exact opposite is true in most cases.

Sexual Healing is not about sex

It is healing simply for a woman to be penetrated by clear masculine sexual heart presence while remaining fully clothed and not being physically touched.

In this space of not having sex, but in feeling her sexuality opening deeply as she opens her heart to herself, especially in a space held by deeply personal and loving masculine heart space.

Experiencing the difference between “universal” love and “deeply personal” love is a big part of what sexual healing is about, particularly while being held by clear healthy masculine presence, and this is not about having sex or even being sexual.

How many women have opened their hearts, only to have it quickly closed down by unconscious sex ?

Remembering, that most women have been hurt by unconscious men, and in too many cases, this masculine shadow or unconsciousness can also be cleverly disguised as “healing”.

Abuse can happen when the woman opens to the healer rather than herself and is where she may loose herself and be susceptible to being taken advantage of.

Especially when she is moving towards her sexual empowerment and freedom.

Opening to herself

Clothed or not, a woman opening to herself will soon feel and tell a man with a hidden agenda where to go with it!

Over the years through our work, I have had many conversations with men “desiring” to learn the art of sexual healing and with out exception my direction with them is to learn about their own sexual heart connection first.

How many women out there want to do something sexually empowering for themselves, but don’t want to have to bare their souls to more of the same, especially if it is even more cleverly disguised as “healing”.

Increasingly, people and particularly women have become fed up with the co dependancy that has plagued the modern Tantra movement and are expecting more depth and clarity from their experiences.

As a woman, simply trust your feelings first and foremost, and seek out a session that brings YOU in touch with your own awareness, coming into your feeling body and your heart, then from that place, connecting with what it is that you desire for yourself.

Infidelity: Can you recover?

February 9, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Infidelity is one of the last remaining taboos in relationship.

We have greater flexibility in the way relationships look than ever before yet somehow infidelity still packs the biggest wallop…

It is SO painful to find out your partners been involved with another for it occurs in the most personal and intimate parts of what you thought was your relationship. It’s a huge blow to our self esteem, especially if it becomes public. Even more so in modern relationships which are almost totally based on romantic or personal love. Infidelity feels like the ultimate form of rejection and shame.

These are the questions in infidelity that roll around in our heads:

For the person who has been betrayed:

How could they have done this to me? To us? Don’t they love me anymore? What have I done wrong? Am I just not good enough? How dare they?

For the person who’s had the affair the thoughts can be just as painful:

How could I have hurt the person that I love most in the world? How could I have been such a cheat? How could I have kept going on as I was before my affair?

Infidelity is a real blow to the ideal of ‘happy ever after’, it cuts right to the heart of relationship.

And the other question both people are asking: Can I/we get over this?

Deciding whether to work on your relationship or head out the door is the choice you now face.

It often seems easier to bolt out the door but it isn’t necessarily in the long run. Understanding the dynamics of affairs in general, and in your relationship in particular will help you make a healthier decision.

The first thing to understand about affairs is:

They trigger a huge amount of shame, of feeling wrong for both the doer and one who’s been done to. Shame is one of the most uncomfortable feelings of all to deal with. It makes us want to curl up inside and disappear because we feel so wrong! It’s important to remember that shame IS just a feeling and when we recognise it and see it for what it is, being willing to make it ok, we can reduce its intensity enough to see what is going on more clearly we're just friends

Affairs are not new, they’ve have been around as long as relationships. It seems as humans they’re hard to avoid. People in otherwise ‘happy’ relationships also have affairs. Even people in so called ‘open’ relationships have them. Perhaps the very ideal of relationship, of coupledom invites the situation- from being so much ‘the couple’ people having affairs report striking out for something that is just ‘theirs’.

That’s the second important thing to know.

It’s important to see, even in your hurt, that the affair probably wasn’t done to hurt you.

People having affairs don’t so much turn away from their partners as much as look for something missing in themselves. Affairs are less about the actual sex than about the desire to want/feel wanted, to feel special, important, to find the mystery of having what is forbidden.

And especially to feel fully alive again.

People having affairs often feel disconnected from their partner, in relationship but not really relating
Being bored in their lives OR in their relationship
Not feeling sexually desired or desirable
Not able to discuss this with their partner to find a way forward in the relationship
They might feel undervalued by their partner, unneeded or overwhelmed by their partners needs

Finding that feeling of edgy aliveness, that can become addictive and hard to give up, even when the affair is no longer so ‘hot’. A feeling it seems impossible to find in the existing relationship that’s settled into a place of routine.

Occasionally there might be a more serious inability to sustain relationship at all that results in repeated affairs and requires more serious attention.

Affairs seem to be the attractive solution to the all of above issues.

So what should you do in this situation?

You have to be able to let go of the need for punishing your partner and playing the role of victim (as tempting as it might appear to pour acid over their car or expose them as a traitor on Facebook) as this is going to destroy any chance of your re-establishing a healthy dynamic.
Know that you are the only one that can heal YOUR hurt because it is inside you. It is your choice to hold onto it or not. Your partner cannot do this for you, only you can. Part of this healing is taking a look at ways you might have contributed, not to the affair, but to the place in your relationship that made the affair a possibility. Infidelity comes in many forms- addictions, overwork, over focussing on the children at the expense of the relationship, even sport and being on lots of committees. Betrayal can come in the form of indifference, avoidance, criticism, sarcasm and manipulation. Finding your contribution is an essential but not easy thing to do when we feel so wronged. But once there is more understanding forgiveness can begin to happen.
Your partner CAN help by showing genuine remorse for the hurt you’re feeling. Sometimes they may not feel real remorse for the affair itself. This is when it has brought new aliveness, new clarity in the individual who has had the affair. And where it brings new potential in your existing relationship, bringing things out in the open that were otherwise killing it. It can be hard for the person hurting in the infidelity to see but this can be where the most potential lies for healing.
Your partner can also help by being willing to restore and maintain the boundaries in your relationship in order to rebuild your trust. Remember this is only part of the healing, if this is all that happens it is not a solution, it’s a time bomb waiting to go off.
You need to resolve the underlying issues that led to the affair. Discover what led to the choice being made and what can you each do to prevent the situation happening again. And find the things that you value about your relationship with each other. Learn how you can bring the aliveness, the freedom, the connection, the mystery into your own relationship.

The outcome of an affair is up to both of you.

Sometimes an affair is simply the outward sign of a relationship that needs to end.

More often it can be the beginning of something stronger than ever before.

It won’t be as easy as walking out the door but the rewards can be many.

So, can you get over infidelity?

Possibly.

Should you try? Most definitely.

To deal with the affair and at least try to move forward is actually far braver and harder than just giving up and leaving.

Oztantra have a number of ways to support you in doing just that, including our Online Relationship Course

Genital Appreciation

September 30, 2015 By admin Leave a Comment

Genital Appreciation Week…

Yes, last time we offered Breast Appreciation Week and from the response we received it sounded like a lot of people out there rose to the call- both Men & Women.

This time we’re going a little lower and inviting you to consider the art of genital appreciation.

Yes, you did hear us right, we said GENITAL Appreciation.

Think about it…we spend much time either denying or ignoring our genitals until we demand they respond big time to our desires for maximum pleasure and connection.

This focus on ignorance vs performance can leave them a little disconnected or neglected.

And if you’re into high friction sex or masturbation without conscious breathing (which maybe you aren’t if you’re here) your genitals will also be desensitized.

And believe it or not your genitals are more than just physical bits of us that wiggle, harden and flow. They are their own distinct and individual entities that can feel taken for granted, neglected or abused due to a very subtle level of awareness that you can tune into if you take the time to listen.

They will respond to your, and your lover’s love and attention and reward you with heightened sensitivity and a feeling of the sacredness that lies within them that makes making love feel more than just having sex.

So how do you go about a bit of genital appreciation?

Allow 20 mins per person (use a timer if you wish)
If you are doing this with your lover you start with taking turns.

The person being appreciated lies down and exposes as much of their genitals as they feel comfortable with. The person doing the appreciation finds a comfortable position from which to view and casts their eyes on their lovers sexy bits with love and appreciation. The receiver just allows themselves to be viewed appreciatively. Then swap.

If you are by yourself you can use a mirror to view yourself with.Sounds pretty simple? Yes. Sounds pretty weird? Yes. Sounds pretty boring, too? Yes.

So when does it become beneficial?

When you go under the doing of the act and move into the being.

male groin Such is the power of our sex organs they can transport us into an expanded reality if we allow them.

You have to get really, really present with yourself and with them otherwise you’ll miss it..

It can be incredibly sensual and intimate.

Giver: Pause. Breathe. Drop into your own body. Rather then using your mind to to think and judge here just experience, as if nothing else exists. Let the shape, curve, length, roundness, softness etc draw you in. Breathe into your heart and open your subtle senses, notice what happens.

Receiver: Pause. Breathe. Drop into your body. Take your attention to your genitals and think of their shape, definition without judgment. Get really, really present with them, as if nothing else exists. Observe any embarrassment and breathe into it, give it love and it will fade. Go a little deeper and ‘sense’ them, do they feel,seem open, closed, happy, neglected, appreciated etc. Ask them if they have a message for you. Don’t think it, just wait and see what comes. Then just breathe and be. Let the love in.

When the time is up thank each other and swap over.
On completion spoon together for a few minutes then share your experience. Keep your words positive and descriptive as the vulnerability can be high.

Nb. For those purists who may consider these images too “sexualized” for a “spiritual” article we believe that love and enlightenment can be achieved through the body and its sexuality, rather than being kept separate from it. It can be hard to see in this age of sex image overwhelm but underneath this truth remains. If you’re not sure then try the exercise above.

For comment or further information contact us today on 1800 TANTRA or email here