Sex After 50: The Delicious Years

November 23, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that sex after 50 needs to be a distant memory!

Many studies have shown that humans are interested in sex well into their 80’s, it’s just in our youth obsessed culture we ignore this intriguing possibility…

Sex changes as we get older, and that’s all because if we change with it, sex will become even better as we get older…

At 57 years of age, whenever I’ve had sex and I look in the mirror I think “Wow, you’re looking great!” My eyes are huge and luminous, my skin radiant, my body relaxed and sensually alive. I not only look good, I feel pretty good too.

Even though I have to admit my libido is not what it used to be. It very much comes and goes.

But what IS always there is what I call the ‘grown up’ factor. This is the part of me that recognizes even if I don’t ‘feel horny’ at the thought of sex, I always have the choice to make it happen.

Getting Into The Driver’s Seat

This is the difference between having sexual desire driving me, and me driving my sexual desire. This is the difference between hormonal driven ‘youthful sex’ and the choice driven sex that can happen once the hormonal flush is over.

Part of me, and of most people I speak to, still longs for the effortless ‘horniness’ that allows sex to ‘just happen’. I liken it to the part of me that sometimes longs for someone bigger than me to take charge, someone that will cook dinner when I come home late or will come up with a sensational new idea I’m after. It’s that part of me not willing to take full responsibility.

Once I recognize what is going on I can drop it. For of course, I can take charge in my own life and want to do so.

Saying YES to Sex!

This is what happens with our sex lives. As we move out of hormonal driven desires we need to take responsibility for what we can create in our sex lives. WE need to say YES to sex before it will say YES to us.

When we do say YES, our sex drive will show up even better than before. To want the many benefits sex can bring. (see benefits of sex article)

When we say to our partners “I would really like to make love with you tonight” and remember delicious times from the past and have an open mind about what can be created right now great things can happen.

Rather than sex being a rush to orgasmic relief, each moment can be a choice to feel, to breathe, to be fully in our bodies, fully in the moment, to be present to the opportunities arising.

To start by just holding each other and relaxing.

To drop any agendas about what sex ‘should’ look like and go with what is.

To be willing to take your time.

Breathe and pc squeeze.

To love wanting the feel of aliveness and connection inside us that great lovemaking can bring.

To be right here now.

To be willing to trust that desire will arise given an atmosphere of trust and understanding.

Confident enough to be intimate, vulnerable and open.

With more of ourselves to reveal than ever before.

Less drive, more skill and so much more to discover!

If you would like some support to upgrade your lovemaking skills to make the most of getting older sex contact us about an Ultimate Couples Getaway, a chance for you to chill out in a beautiful beach or rainforest location whilst your very own bedroom specialists come right to your very door and respectfully (clothes on) lead the way!

Is your Gspot missing in action?

December 10, 2014 By Annette & Graeme 66 Comments

Many women believe they don’t actually have a Gspot,

because sometimes it likes to hide…

However this hiding is more likely to be because the Gspot hasn’t been awakened yet.

Read on for more info about this gorgeous but slippery little sucker…

The Gspot or a UFO?

Knowledge of a woman’s sexuality has grown over the years. We have come a long way from believing a woman’s expression of her sexual energy to be an “hysterical paroxysm” requiring some form of “treatment”. Or that she wasn’t capable of sexual enjoyment, but had to “bear these things” ie. sex, for the benefits of motherhood.

Nowadays the modern woman is claiming her right to “her” orgasmic pleasure and finding new and creative ways of experiencing it.

Despite being known for thousands of years in tantra as the “sacred spot”, awareness of a woman’s Gspot is often seen as a recent discovery in the west by German scientist Dr. Ernst Gräfenberg in 1950. It disappeared when woman’s pleasure became unimportant and she was taught to “bear” sex, for the resulting joys of motherhood. Knowing the GSpot exists still confuses women, men and the medical profession today because of these politics.

This very real, even “sacred” spot provides more possibilities for women to further know, enjoy greater pleasure with, and accept their bodies, their sexuality and themselves.

How is a Gspot different from a clitoris?

Every woman is born with a clitoris and a Gspot. The clitoris and the Gspot are part of the same genital landscape, with one outside, and the other inside the vagina.

The clitoris is a practical organ in the vulva that is largely responsive to direct stimulation and has an expected mechanical response of physical pleasure and peak orgasm. It generally has a limit to the number of orgasms it can experience.

The Gspot exists as a mound of erectile tissue 1-2 finger joints “inside the upper wall” of her yoni (vagina) and is not just a mechanical area. It is often not as far in as you might think and can only be physically felt by touching when it has been aroused, or “activated”. It then feels like an area of raised ridges, a bit like almond, becoming more distended and easier to feel. It sometimes can even feel like a small pearl.

The G-spot however has a much greater range of responses than the clitoris, as in, or around it’s physical location, is the energy point of the Gspot (second chakra) and activating this is what takes the experience to a whole new level of ongoing waves of pleasure, unlimited multiple orgasms, deep emotion, ejaculation, even what can be described as spiritual experiences.

(We tried to find an image on ecstatically radiant post Gspot orgasmic woman, but it seems they can’t be faked for a photo- there is a quality that only comes from the real thing, hence no female images on this post.)

A Gspot can be very intense!

Some women have spontaneous Gspot (or vaginal) orgasms through stimulation with the lingam (penis), finger or vibrator/dildo. Some women have Gspot is spiritual awakening clitoral orgasms only, some have a mixture of both vaginal AND clitoral, with or without the lingam/finger/vibe/dildo.

For many other women, the G spot still remains an unknown experience. As it is not just mechanics, it generally takes a greater level of self awareness, and even self acceptance, in the woman for the Gspot to fully awaken in her. It is part of her emotional body, one of the major energy centres in her body (second chakra) and experiencing it can bring an emotional intensity that can be unexpected, or even frightening, though ultimately enlightening.

But with knowledge and practice a woman (by herself, or with a trusted lover) will find awakening this centre can allow her to access new levels of satisfaction in her sexuality that go a long way to fulfilling the intense emotional longings and frustrations that she usually hopes her partner alone can fulfil for her. They can’t, as it is all about HER. Knowing her body in this way can allow her to share with her partner from a place of inner wholeness, rather than just a craving for fulfilment.

How can a Gspot be awakened?

To awaken the Gspot, use your (or ask your lover, or use a Gspot vibe) index or pointer fingers, with plenty of lubrication, to move inside 1-2 finger joints “inside the upper wall” of the yoni (vagina). Start with holding on it in stillness, making sure the woman has all her focus on just that spot.

Tap gently, move in a “come hither” movement, or side to side, or up and down on the area. Get to know its size, shape and moods, know it can slowly take much more pressure than the clitoris. If you feel like you need to pee you’ve found it! Squeeze your pc muscles and feel how this moves the spot onto your fingers. Keep your attention firmly on this part of your body, on what it is feeling. Breathe deeply, relax and feel with no expectations.

Sometimes if your lover is looking to connect with your Gspot he can place the fingers of his other hand just above the pubic bone and press down gently. This can help him anchor the spot between his two hands.

Some of the reasons the Gpsot can still be missing in action:

-A woman is not connected with herself: A woman benefits from putting her focus on herself, how she is feeling and breathing, putting her focus on her Gspot. She can’t feel if she is not there, or expecting her man to do it for her. It’s all about you!

-It can be missed completely when not aroused because it feels almost flat. If you can’t feel it, just believe in it, visualize it, relax and keep touching.

– It lacks time. A Gspot can take longer to arouse, and if this part is missed then nothing happens. It can be good in the early stages to take special time just to focus on it by itself, separate to lovemaking. Once awakened it’s response can be instantaneous, although it will always have its days on and off.

-Arousal can be short circuited by focussing entirely on clitoral orgasm first, (they have different nerve supplies) so if you are looking to explore your Gspot it’s best to build stimulation in the clitoris, but stop well short of orgasm, then focus on the different sensations and possibilities in the Gspot.

-Whole body tension is another short circuit. Often a woman will tense her body to create a clitoral orgasm, this is the opposite of what the Gspot is the heart of woman Gspot requires. So when you feel arousal happening remember to relax, let your muscles go and deepen your breathing.

-Over use of a vibrator- this can either short circuit sensation by being too much too soon, or can toughen and numb the spot, reducing its sensitivity. Give it a rest here for a while.

– Weak and/or tense pc muscles (the muscles between our legs that we feel when we try to stop the flow of urine). These muscles can suffer from lack of use, tension from over strain etc. Begin to contract and release these muscles as often as you can each day to build their strength. Make sure you just contract the pc, not your stomach or buttocks. And relax the muscle fully in between squeezes. (Practice by squeezing along to your favourite song.)

-Sometimes a Gspot feels totally numb, so we think it doesn’t work and give up. With attention and love, it can be fully activated, keep practicing.

-Sometimes the Gspot is painful when touched, so we avoid it. This pain is old stored emotion from unhelpful beliefs about your sexuality, femininity or difficult past sexual experiences. With attention and love it can be released.

-The Gspot is an emotional energy centre and the feelings aroused in it can be unfamiliar or intense and so they are shut down. Understand that these emotions are an important part of who you are, an energy that will become pleasurable when accepted. Allow any emotions that arise just to be felt, breathed with or expressed. Breathe into your heart and bring love into your Gspot.

– To fully experience the Gspot you need to trust your body, and surrender into your sensations, letting go into them with every out breath. It’s a life journey.

– A woman shutting down, if her partner is uncomfortable with her intensity. Take your time and both of you build a relationship to this part of her. Men challenge yourself to learn to last longer, check out this page to both last longer in lovemaking AND increase your pleasure along with hers. Remember that often 1 or 2 fingers can work better than a lingam (penis) here. Any of it will help you build the sexual relationship (and relationship) of your dreams.

Female Ejaculation

-The fear of ejaculation. This is the fluid that can be expelled from a woman’s prostate gland (yes, she has one just like a man, in the erectile tissue around the urethra, which the Gspot forms part of) when the Gspot is aroused. Because little is known about female ejaculation it can be viewed as urine by the woman and/or her partner. But it actually has a different chemical composition, smell and taste from urine. It is believed to help lubricate the urethra from the acidity of urine, reducing infections and also sweetens the acidic environment of the yoni to enhance sperm survival. In tantric terms it is known as Amrita, the nectar of love and is thought to be a Gift from God, and is seen as a source of rejuvenation, empowerment and freedom!

Letting go of Amrita can be an exquisite bliss that is beyond words, leaving a woman and her partner renewed. But a woman can often hold back in fear of “wetting herself”. In fact it is very difficult for a woman to pee when highly aroused, just like it is difficult for a man to pee when he has an erection. Knowing this can help a woman to relax, and let Amrita flow when she has the urge to “pee” that comes from stimulation of her Gspot. Amrita can happen separately from orgasm, or with orgasm.

In conclusion

Gspot orgasm is not another goal for a woman to reach. Ejaculation is not a “party trick” to perform on demand to please her partner. It is an opportunity for her, if she chooses, to know, love and accept herself at a deeper level. To know and accept her feeling self. To experience herself in her Goddess energy. It is a life long, always different journey of personal awakening.

For questions we’re happy to help with either ask below or email here

More Orgasms more often?

September 17, 2014 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Orgasms, Orgasms, Orgasms…

With more women apparently “coming” with greater ease in lovemaking than ever before (especially the women in porn) it is a hidden secret that many women as yet don’t have the pleasure of coming at all, in fact up to 1 in 3 women don’t. And up to 80% have trouble at times.

You have to remember that what you see in a porn flick is acting…

So how can YOU come more often? Here are some tips to increase your orgasmic potential…

And you don’t have to wait for your partner to get the right “technique”, there is much you can do to help yourself.

There are lots of different things you can play with:

Understand that the reason it is not happening has nothing to do with you not being good enough or sexy enough. Sexuality is a very complex part of us and is not determined by this one particular factor.
Don’t push yourself into trying too hard! It IS frustrating but the harder you try the more focus you put on your mind (the opposite place to where your orgasm will happen). And the greater tension you create in your body. As sexual pleasure (energy) flows through relaxed muscles this is not what you want.
Breathe more. Breathing is extremely powerful in sex (don’t get me started!), just begin by noticing how you are breathing wherever you are in your orgasmic cycle. Breathing more deeply into your belly and out though your mouth helps you relax and opens your energy.
Touch yourself with love, seek to connect with and honour yourself rather than just stimulate yourself. It is a subtle but very powerful mind shift.
Do you notice that you build up towards orgasm but then it dies away? See if you are tensing your body and stopping your breath as you peak? This is creates a block.If you notice this breathe more deeply.
Find ways for your mind to help you rather than distract. Fantasies can help but take you away from yourself. If your mind is all over the place (as it often is!) give it a job that keeps your focus inside you. Imagine your mind is filled with the colour white, the more thoughts come the whiter you imagine it. White is soothing and healing. Then make a connection to your sex centre (genitals) by imagining drops of red slowly forming and dropping from your brain down through your body to your sex centre. It’s weird but it works.
Let your body move. As you relax your body will want to move, give it permission by encouraging it, without caring how it might look, let your hips rock backwards and forwards. If you usually clench and tighten your body this may feel wrong, but again give it a try.
Sometimes what blocks us is what lies between our head and genitals- our heart. Breathe as if you could breathe into your chest and heart, notice what you feel there. Does it feel closed or blocked? There may be something that needs to be felt and released there. Whatever it is just feel it.
Spend time on your breasts and nipples. Often we are very genitally focussed but our breasts are a path to opening our heart and our genitals to pleasure. Massage the whole area (going to the nipples last) to fully awaken here. If you are with a partner ask them to join in with kisses, licks and sucks. If not do it yourself, you deserve it.
Include pc squeezes. The muscles between your legs (your pelvic floor or pc) are like a sexual pump. First relax, then tighten and release these muscles. Do it in a way that feels good rather than as an exercise.
Play with using your voice. Your vocal chords vibrate to make sound and if your body is aroused making sound will accentuate it. Start small and build. A lot of it is about self permission, don’t let shame keep you small. If you have to, placing a pillow over your mouth (not your nose!) will allow you to make a lot of sound quietly.
If you feel yourself beginning to build up to a peak imagine fireworks going off in your brain as where the mind goes the energy follows…
Understand that as women we have a place in us that is beyond having an orgasm, where we access our ecstatic orgasmic flow where there is no trying just being, and our breath + relaxation are the keys to taking us there. Keep your mind open to this possibility.

Survival Strategy: Men living with a woman in menopause

May 27, 2014 By Graeme Sudholz Leave a Comment

Relationship Survival Strategy: For men living with a woman in menopause:

Menopause can cause many frustration

Is this the end of my sex life?? This is a realistic fear for a man in relationship with a woman who is experiencing the wavering libido of menopause and “not tonight” is the most common response to his expressed desire for sex. What can he do? There are no simple answers…but if this is you and you’re willing to get on the program and stay with it you have a high chance of maintaining a sexual connection with your woman, and even having the best sex of your life as you get older.

One of the main ways you can ease the menopausal path for both of you is to have some understanding of what is happening, and of how your responses has a major impact on the end result. Because negative judgement of her at this sensitive time will have a psychological and even physical impact on the experience for both of you. It is vital you develop trust in the process and trust in your woman as she basically redefines who she is. Maintaining a grounded perspective and a sense of humour is a great help too!

Menopause happens around the age of 51, but can start as early as 30. a woman is considered to have reached menopause when she has been period free for 1 year. Menopause is not only the time when a woman stops ovulating and having her period. The immense upheaval of her hormonal system reorienting itself to not having babies produces a range of physical effects such as hot flushes and sweats- especially at night, mental fogginess, mood swings, depression, decreases in libido, vaginal dryness and thinning of the vaginal walls which can make sex painful. To add insult to injury she may also be subjected to a higher level of vaginal infections such as thrush for a while. Eventually the hormones sort themselves out and she returns to a more even keel, after 5-10yrs. Menopause is different for each woman, for some it’s barely noticeable, for others it impacts on every area of her life even into her 70’s.

There are huge range of treatments available that can support a women through the physical symptoms but none that will “fix” it for each person. It can be a frustrating time for her of finding what works.

At a big picture level there is also a shift in how a woman sees herself

Empowered older woman She is no longer the mother as she once was (menopause often occurs as kids have left home), her body is forcing her to face the fact of getting older, even of death. She too, like you, may have fears around her sexuality, she faces a a great deal of social conditioning around older women not being seen as sexual beings or having a place in the world, although this is very slowly starting to change.

Her body is not forcing her to nurture others as it once did with so now there is more room for herself and her female psyche will challenge her to question who she is, which can bring either anxiety or freedom. It can be a time of great unknown and uncertainty. Sometimes a woman will move straight from motherhood to grandmotherhood, giving her a renewed sense of self without her having to confront the question of ‘who is she if she is not a mother?’ She will often look to try new things for herself, make changes, seek to “sort things out”. If you’re not good with change this can make her very challenging to live with.

As well as these personal issues menopause often causes a woman to reassess her relationship, as with the children gone there is less room to hide what is or is not working between you. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you, it means she wants the best possible for herself. When sex is less frequent it can be difficult to want to stay close and intimate to this forgetful, emotional, sweaty, and lowered libido woman, but it is what she most needs to help her stay grounded and connected to you and her sexuality as she becomes more connected with herself.

Heart to Heart communication

As a result of all this, coming through menopause will end with a woman feeling more comfortable with who she is and where she is going. Sex becomes less about creating babies or providing pleasure for the man and more about self pleasure, sharing pleasure, fun, love and spiritual connection.

How you can help:

Physically: look after your own health ie. eat well, keep active, minimize stress, so you are in the best place to have sex when it is available.
Support her with any medical or other specialists she chooses to see. Understand this process can take time to get right.

Emotionally: Listen if she needs to share, know you don’t need to fix anything, just hear her. Also encourage her to share with her female friends for support.
Be willing to sort through things with her that apply to you.
Also be willing to set your boundaries if her emotionality is crossing yours.

Sexually: Don’t take it personally: If she has less overall interest in sex and takes longer to become aroused, produces less vaginal lubrication and has less intense orgasms don’t assume it is about not desiring you.
Remind her that having sex promotes elasticity in the vaginal tissues so having sensitive sex can help the symptoms reduce.
Know too that for a woman, desire doesn’t necessarily come before arousal, so encourage sex from an openhearted place, and remind her that desire may come once you start.
Also know that a daily 10 min attention to her gspot can help keep her connected to herself and her sexuality (without using it as foreplay, making it her time).

Respect yourself and don’t give up on your sexuality by shutting it down, emotionally withdrawing totally into porn, or going outside the relationship to get your needs met, at least without having tried these suggestions and having an agreement in place.
Let go of any agenda to manipulate her into bed, no wheedling, sulking or blaming, don’t make every touch an attempt to stimulate her. This will only push her away.
Do talk about how important sex is for you, what it brings you, let her feel your vulnerability in this; discuss your fears, concerns, especially about your fears of hurting her whilst sex is painful. Discuss what other options you can try, be willing to cooperate, be creative.
Respect her No’s and be willing do more self pleasuring.

Learn to last longer in sex so you will still be there when her arousal kicks in.

Learn to focus more on being in the moment in sex, going slow, conscious breathing, make connection rather than orgasms the focus.
Make the shift from merely having sex to get off, performing in bed and start learning to make love. This is what the mature woman will be looking for, she wants a man who will meet her there. Learn to bring your heart into your sexuality, penetrating her heart as much as her yoni. There is as much for you in this as there is for her- it will take your pleasure to a whole new level as you learn to make love as a man, rather than just getting off from your boy.

Know too that often she is not going to be “in her body” at this time with so much happening for her, so include plenty of loving touch (without sexual agenda) in your connection with her ie. sharing a hug, sitting together in the couch, holding hands, touching her on the body with the whole of your hand and holding it still for a moment, massaging her neck or feet. This helps her get grounded.

As you can see there is a lot going on at this time and the main tool is to start and keep communicating, attempt to understand, learn, connect and grow with her and the blessings will be many as you get to know this brand new, sexual, powerful woman!

And remember expert help from outside can smooth the pathways so don’t be afraid to ask for support. See some of the things we can offer you here:

Call us TOLL FREE 1800 TANTRA (826 872), email link

Getaways for you and your woman to reconnect

Ecstasy & Intimacy Retreat

Menopause: Suffering or Alchemy of Liberation?

May 27, 2014 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Menopause is an inevitable fact of life

Menopause is the time when a woman stops ovulating and having her period each month. It’s an opportunity for her to explore the dynamics underlying this change. This time can be brief or can last years. Much of what is written below has been my personal journey, and I have mostly come safely out the other side…So if this is where you’re at, or where you are looking to be one day, read on…

Seen from big picture-

Menopause for women

At a big picture level there is also a shift in how a woman sees herself at this time and who she can become once freed from the needs of her physical body that are focussed on others. She no longer has the power to bleed but retains the wisdom and power of her blood within her always. So the more intuitive state and take no prisoners attitude of the pre menstrual phase is available to her all through the month instead of just for a few days! This is why the older woman becomes invisible unless she steps into this power and becomes a force to be reckoned with!

You probably know of the much publicised symptoms that result from immense hormonal upheaval as her oestrogen drops and her system reorients itself to not having babies. For some women these symptoms are a minor blip on the radar, for others they can be totally debilitating. The hormonal changes result in a range of physical effects such as hot flushes and sweats, mental fogginess, anxiety, mood swings, dry itchy skin, hair loss, increased belly fat, sleeplessness, loss of bone density, decreases in libido, vaginal dryness and thinning of the vaginal walls which can make sex painful. To add insult to injury she may also be subjected to a higher level of vaginal infections such as thrush for a while.

A time of uncertainty and change-

She is no longer the mother as she once was (menopause often occurs as kids have left home), or now cannot be. Along with the empty nest her body is forcing her to face the undeniable facts of getting older, even of death. She may have fears around her sexuality, as along with the physical and emotional changes she also faces a lot of social conditioning around that fact that older women are not generally seen as sexual beings, although this is very slowly starting to change.

Her body is not forcing her to nurture others as it once did with so now there is more room

Inner volcano

for herself and her female psyche will challenge her to question who she is, which can bring either anxiety or a sense of freedom. It can be a time of great unknown and uncertainty. Sometimes a woman will move straight from motherhood to grandmotherhood which gives her a renewed sense of self without having to confront the question of who is she if she is not a mother?

As part of this questioning process a woman will often look to try new things for herself, to make long desired changes and seek to “sort things out”. This can involve being less available for others in the old way of putting herself last which can be challenging for those around her. Yet as she steps into her power she learns to support through empowering others as she empowers herself, rather than just “doing it all for them”.

Menopause often causes a woman to reassess her relationship, as with the children gone there is less room to hide what is, or is not working. When sex is less frequent it can be difficult for her to want to stay close and intimate to her partner as she becomes this forgetful, emotional, sweaty, and lowered libido being. But communication, intimacy and sex is what she most needs to help her stay grounded and connected as she becomes more connected with herself.

Coming out the other side-

As a result of all this searching menopause ends with a woman feeling more comfortable with who she is and where she is going- she has more of an internal locus of control- she looks to herself for answers rather than those around her. With less of a focus on others and the homefront she can be more focussed on the outside world and take an interest in local, community or world social events. If she is able to stand in her power as a well rounded, rich and powerful being rather than succumbing to the belief that for a woman to have value she must either be Hollywood beautiful or be in the role of the mother. Sex becomes less about creating babies or merely providing pleasure for the partner and more about self pleasure, sharing pleasure, fun, love and spiritual connection- a pathway for her to nurture her inner radiance.

Growing through menopause together

How you can support yourself in this time:

Become informed about the menopausal process, understand and make conscious choices for yourself- this is part of developing your internal locus of control. Understanding about menopause helps you create a life post menopause that is rich and inviting!

Physically:

Listen to your body and what it is telling you about what works for it.

Eat well- find what way of eating works for you. Drink plenty of water.

Get plenty of rest.

Choose the medication that is most appropriate for you. Many medications affect your libido eg. antihypertensives and antidepressants.

Indulge in physical exercise, include working with weights to keep you active, strong and positive. Regular exercise is known to be as effective as an antidepressant!

There are huge range of hormonal, herbal and other treatments available that can support a woman through the physical symptoms but none that will “fix” it for each person. It can be a frustrating time finding what works but keep trying and develops a support system of friends and practitioners- GP, Naturopath, Counsellors, reading material etc.

Mentally:

Discover what menopause means for you, read up.

Set an intention for how you are going to journey through menopause and what you want from it.

The mental fogginess can disconnect us from our bodies so it is vital that we practice connection with it regularly to get grounded and maintain connection. Look forward to the increased mental clarity that occurs as menopause completes.

Emotionally:

Learn to listen to yourself emotionally, learn to centre and hear your own intuitive wisdom.

Take time out to nurture yourself- can be as simple as a walk, bath, massage, yoga or meditation. Dancing (even in the living room to your favourite music) is a fabulous way to meditate as you move your delicious feminine body.

Learn some emotional intelligence skills to maximize the benefit and minimize the fallout

Emotional volatility a challenge and a gift

from your emotional intensity. See your emotions as a key to learning about yourself and where you are going.

Find someone you can share with, that you can be real with about what is happening for you, and will just listen or offer support if you need it. If you don’t belong to a women’s group join one or create your own.

Find ways to communicate with your partner about what is happening for you. Keep it short and to the point so he can hear you.

Sexually:

Be willing to discuss what is happening for you sexually. Sex is challenging during menopause as we shift from being hormone or ‘horny’ libido driven to making sex a choice of conscious exploration. We simply open to our selves and our bodies, rather than having an expectation of getting what we’re used to. We choose to see what happens when we get fully present with ourselves in the sexual space. We take time to really listen to our bodies, to go slow, to breathe more fully and let our pleasure arise from a deeper place. Depending on the individual, the pleasure can be deeper, more subtle than before, but no less satisfying, just different. Whatever happens, exploring your sexuality at this time will bring you a deeper, more loving connection with yourself, and if you include him, with your partner.

Remember that having sex promotes elasticity in the vaginal tissues so having sensitive sex can help the symptoms reduce.
Introduce self pleasuring into your life if you don’t already, use it to reawaken your body.
Make time to simply explore your body’s responses to whole body touch without any expectations.
Have a good quality personal lubricant at hand and don’t be afraid to use it. We suggest Sylk or Sliquid.
A daily 10 min attention to your gspot (either yourself or your lover) can help keep you connected to yourself and your sexuality, even opening to its spiritual dimension (without using it as foreplay, making it your time).
Try a Jade Egg to help strengthen your vaginal muscles which act as a sexual pump and will stimulate your sexual energy.
Know too that for a woman desire doesn’t necessarily come before arousal so being open to sex can allow desire to come.
If you’re still experiencing pain in lovemaking once you’ve taken care of your lubrication you might like to try some sexual healing to help release the emotional blocks that lie behind your pain. If this is the case we suggest you contact us for further information by Ph 1800 TANTRA or email here

As your sexuality changes, listen to your man’s fears and concerns, as this validates him in his sexuality and will help you maintain a strong connection in your relationship. Invite him to go deeper with you. Be open to trying some different things, aim for win/win solutions.

Tantric Heart space

Seek conscious sexuality practices that take sex into a place of nurture and awakening rather than performance. It also helps awaken your inner radiance and so much more! Seeking pleasure is actually part of your physical and emotional wellbeing- see more on the link below.

Spiritually:

Be open to your intuition about anything that may be driving you to “clean house” about the issues in your life, many gifts can come from this powerful time of learning about yourself.

Taking time in your lovemaking to slow down and get more present will yoursel

Other Resources:

A little about menopause for your man

Make sure you attend a Power of Yoni & The Wisdom Within Workshop, a place where you can explore the above and take some big steps towards becoming the woman you can be!

Reliable and regular support when you need it, via phone (1800 TANTRA) or skype

Getaways for you and your man to reconnect

Ecstasy & Intimacy Retreat

Understanding your hormonal picture: a sensible alternative

The importance of sharing the experience: menopause chit chat

Go To Hot Relationship Topics

Painful Sex – Is this you?

March 12, 2014 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Sex is Meant to be Pleasurable

Sex is meant to be pleasurable and satisfying, making love blissful, nurturing, and more. What if it is none of these things but a source of frustration or even misery, for the both woman and her lover? This has been my own story and is an increasingly common scenario, with Drs who specialize in women’s gynaecological health reporting it is on the increase, particularly in young women. If you fear making love more than look forward to it,

Painful sex can feel like a red hot poker

if your lover is at his wits end because he it hurts him to know he is causing you suffering you are not alone. Some studies say the rate of painful sex for women is as high as 30%. One US study has put the figure of women between the ages of 18-64 who have suffered from chronic painful sex, a condition known as vulvodynia, as high as 16%. The cause of vulvodynia is said to be unknown but has an important psychological link. This does NOT mean that it is all in your head though, the physical symptoms of stinging, itching and burning from mild to intense are very real.

There are Many reasons for Painful Sex

There are many reasons sex can be painful, most commonly it is due to emotional tension, vaginal dryness, infection, low libido, hormonal imbalances due to the pill or menopausal changes to the vaginal tissues. Prolonged and over enthusiastic forceful “porn” type thrusting. Even some medications affect lubrication, particularly anti depressants.

Focussing on emotional aspects underlying vaginal pain:

1. You’re saying yes to sex when you really mean no. This can be for a wide variety of reasons- you’re just not in the mood but feel compelled to go there because you think you should eg. for your lover’s satisfaction, because you believe it is more important than yours or because your believe there is something wrong with you if you don’t want to have sex. Or perhaps saying no is a difficulty for you in general, especially if you see it hurting another.

2. You’re angry with, or in fear of your partner and have closed your heart to him, the heart is a very powerful factor in a woman being able to open sexually and if you are carrying unresolved hurt vaginal pain can result.

3. You’re not connected with yourself sexually, you don’t yet know how, or don’t take the time to become fully aroused before penetration and override your body’s innate needs.

4. You have sex that you don’t enjoy, or continue to have sex long after it has ceased to be pleasurable.

5. You may have guilt about being sexual at all, or for having sex, self pleasuring or masturbation.

6. You have repeated experiences of failing to reach orgasm, or been “left hanging in midair’ whilst your partner was already “over the edge”.

7. Sex has become goal orientated, with your mind forcing your body to perform rather than following its natural desires.

8. You and your lover have ‘porn focussed performance sex’, with long periods of forceful thrusting and little intimacy.

9. You make love as a way of avoiding intimacy, or confrontation with your partner or covering up your anger.

10. You may be carrying some unhealed sexual abuse.

11. Even the experience of a caesarean section or difficult birth, a hysterectomy or an abortion can leave an impact on your sexual body.

12. Your pelvic floor muscles, the ones that hold your vagina, and the structures around it, such as your uterus, bladder and bowel in place have become weakened, allowing them to prolapse into your vagina, creating pain when they’re pressed against. This weakening can be caused by lack of use, childbirth, poor overall health and hormonal changes; generalized stress that causes you to chronically tense your pelvic floor which over time weakens it. Loss of pelvic floor tone affect 50% of women at some stage in their lives! It can be fixed by learning proper pelvic floor health, or more serious cases require surgery.

13. You may mistakenly believe you are not worthy of receiving pleasure. This is so not true, it is your birthright!

14. The cycle of pain can develop a feedback loop in your belief and nervous systems, taking on a life of its own. This doesn’t mean you’re crazy, you just haven’t learned how this pain cycle works and what to do about it.

15. Either you, or your partner fear your sexuality and its power.

Or perhaps your pain has turned into numbness. A woman’s vagina has an extraordinary capacity to tolerate pain by numbing it away. It does this to make giving birth more tolerable. The only challenge with this is that it numbs pleasure as well.

Tension in the Genitals

All of the above create tension in the genitals. This tension manifests itself most commonly through tightness/stiffness in the yoni (genitals) that never fully relaxes, even during intercourse. The feelings and emotions that are unacknowledged or expressed in this collect in the genitals as blocked energy and over time this is reflected as either numbness or as we are talking about here- physical pain.

There are many ways to support you with managing your pain, the first is believing that it is real, and not something that you need to ‘put up with’ in any shape or form. The next is believing that you are a sexual being that is capable of extra ordinary pleasure and that you want what you’re made for.

In you:

Learn to relax your pelvic floor. Imagine your muscle between your legs as a triangle of chocolate melting in the warm sun. Literally feel the area letting go. Do this regularly so that you can do it during sex as well.
Once your muscles have learned to relax start to tone them and make them healthier. In this case try identifying your pelvic floor muscles by standing with both feet facing inwards and squeezing the muscles between your legs as if trying not to pee. Once you’ve identified them squeeze and release them gently. Make sure you relax them fully by imagining the area melting like chocolate in the warm sun. Once this feels ok do the same but pull the muscles up higher inside you by imagining you’re sipping them up like a thickshake up a straw (sipping your breath in at the same time helps) and hold in for 1 second then release. Do 10 times, releasing fully in between each one. Over a few weeks build up to a 10sec hold.

In the bedroom:

Take your time, breathe deeply into your heart, and into your genitals, allowing you to relax and open as much as possible.
Have your partner use full body strokes before massaging the outside of your Yoni (genitals) well, making sure you have a ‘Yes’ for penetration.
Try a variety of touches to help expand your body’s awareness rather than continually going over and over the same ground, as this helps to break the pain cycle in your brain.
Use personal lubricant- there is no such thing as too much lube and it’s not a sign of failure to use it.
Encourage your partner to go slow, look each other in the eyes, breathe together and build trust.
Stop when you need to.

Outside the bedroom:

Investigate any underlying medical causes with your Dr.
Get medical or naturopathic support for your hormone levels.
Find out if you can change your medication to one with less side effects.
See a physiotherapist who specializes in pelvic floor management can help you relax and strengthen your pelvic floor muscles and also release muscle tension inside your vagina.
Having some counselling to investigate what might be going on for you emotionally with your sense of self and in your relationship can help.
Explore the idea of some sexual healing.

Communication is Critical

And of course talking to your partner about this, if you haven’t already ,so he can understand what is happening for you and more appropriately support you, as well as

having a chance to express his own fears and pain in a situation where to make love with you hurts you. Especially when it becomes chronic sexual pain is a situation where the solution will involve both of you. Learning how to have more energetic lovemaking with less thrusting and more flowing will help.

Express your Emotions

Allowing yourself to express the emotions that come up will help release the energy that is blocking in your vagina., which is also the area of your first, second and third chakras live- where your safety, sexuality, creativity and power centres reign. For me personally, as well as looking at all the areas above I have found that my pain was asking me to go deeper inside myself and connect to the power that lies underneath my sexual pleasure, my sense of my personal power and who I think and I am, to be the one in the drivers seat of my sexuality (and my life). When I am thrusting forward in my hips I am surrendering to power within, releasing all fear, resistance and pain.

Sexual Healing

A further option is to seek some training in sexual healing for both yourself and your partner with a practitioner you trust, which addresses both the psychological, emotional and energetic release of what you are holding in your body. This is something Annette is intimately familiar with herself and knows the power that sexual healing offers- read her story of healing sexual shame. Check out her Power of Yoni Workshop and Sexual Healing page.

If you would like to find out more about tantric sexual healing email her at info@oztantra.com or call 1800 623 262 to make an appt.

For more on Vulvodynia, physiotherapy for the pelvic floor and/or Naturopathic treatments check out Equilibria where I highly recommend Alyssa Tait

Sexual Healing – Annette’s Journey of healing sexual shame

March 12, 2014 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Annette’s journey of sexual healing

My journey of sexual healing shame has been a powerful, at times painful, yet always rewarding one, for which I have much gratitude. As I’ve healed my shame I’ve identified the associated limiting beliefs about myself that were holding me back in being open and loving towards myself and others. It’s also given me greater self knowledge to create more of what I want in my life, rather than what I don’t. It’s allowed me to access greater sexual pleasure and heights of ecstasy that I hadn’t even dreamed of, which I really enjoy sharing with my loving partner Graeme. Working with sexual energy has also given me access to a personal pathway to spirituality which I use in meditation, making love and for simple but profound moments of connecting to spirit in every day life.

My early self beliefs

When I was growing up, like a large proportion of the community, I was sexually abused. I was an older child at the time, and the abuse was imposed by two people I knew. They were minor encounters but the effect of them was life changing, the energy of sexual shame is so powerful. I created three beliefs in response to these two events. One that I was “bad” in a way that I couldn’t understand but felt to my core. Secondly, that I was powerless to speak up and no one could help me, which caused me to become even more reluctant to express myself than the shy child I already was. Thirdly, that “I should have known better,” so beginning a life of readily taking on guilt, and over responsibility for everything in my life.

Beginnings of change

In my forties I developed an interest in personal growth, wanting to make some changes in the many areas of my life that weren’t working for me. Surprisingly to me at the time, part of this growth turned out to be sharing my experiences of abuse with a supportive group of people and healing, through conscious witnessing, the feelings attached to them. This process helped me to identify the beliefs I had formed as a result of these experiences and how to recognise where they were still operating, unhelpfully, in my life. This was the beginning of reclaiming what I had lost in myself. I had no idea it would lead me to sexual healing!

Learning about sexuality

The next step was deciding to consciously embrace myself as a sexual being and explore what that meant for me. This included things as simple as allowing myself to feel any sexual feelings that came along and enjoy them for what they were, rather than shutting them down, or taking on shame messages about myself for having them. And wearing some flowing skirts, feeling soft, feminine and sensual (and somehow vulnerable at first). I even occasionally went without knickers to enhance the effect and let go of the “stories” that came into my mind about how bad I was! Another thing I did was to dance for myself, making sensual, then sexual movements with my pelvis, freeing up this area of my body that had become locked up into stiffness and pain, feeling and releasing the shame as I went.

Relationship challenge

Then I took a more complex step of choosing to get into relationship with a new man in my life, when after the ending of a 20yr marriage 18 months prior, I felt more like withdrawing, staying single and safe. Graeme was, and is, someone who really enjoys the sexual side of life and this was a real challenge for me. As my journey entwined with his I was given the opportunity to act out my sexual feelings in the heady excitement a new relationship brings. I was being encouraged to not only have sex, but give myself permission to enjoy it to the max as never before. I’m happy to say I did!

Oh no!

Some months down the track I began to develop a reoccurrence of pain in my yoni (vagina) during sex, which I had experienced during the later stages of my marriage. This was not what I wanted at this time, let me tell you! But try as I/we might, there it was. It turned sex from bliss to a highly emotionally charged and painful event, very difficult for both of us. Avoiding it didn’t help. Nor did any medical investigations, psychology sessions, creams, medications to numb the pain, relaxation techniques, lubricants or other treatments ad infinitum. One Dr even suggested cutting the lining of my yoni and stretching it to cover up the painful bits- I retreated in horror. There had to be another way.

Tantra and sexual healing

Discovering tantra and sexual healing taught me that the way forward in this situation was to have the courage to go through it, not avoid it. That my pain was there to challenge me to fully embrace my sexual (and ultimately spiritual) self. So with the loving support of my beloved Graeme (who has his own journey in this as you can imagine) I have discovered a way through. By continuing to open to my sexual energy, through tantric lovemaking and sexual healing practices, telling myself it is ok to feel sexual pleasure, consciously witnessing the feelings as they come up to be healed, and by discovering and removing any layers of resistance my pain has slowly resolved. As those of you who have been on a conscious healing path will know, many opportunities will come up when you are seeking to heal, and I learned to trust myself to take up any which seemed like they would provide a pathway to remove any pockets of shame or pain- even if the “how” didn’t always become clear until I was actually into it. Through loving, respectful, honouring and sacred practices I have learned to allow myself to feel as much pleasure as it is possible for me to feel, as I have a right to feel. I am slowly learning to love and trust myself and others, as a sexual being, then as a human being, and finally as a spiritual being, able to truly open myself to love.

This is the abridged version of my journey here and the journey continues.

For any of you who may be considering sexual healing any for your sexual shame, which I believe we all carry at some level, then take heart and dive in. Your journey will be different to mine, but I assure you, if you persist you will find that it is worth it.

10 Steps to New Paradigm Relationship

September 23, 2013 By admin Leave a Comment

10 Steps to your New Paradigm Relationship

that will dearmour your heart, open the flow of your sexual Life Force Energy and keep your relationship eternally fresh and invigorated:

Our intimate relationships are largely seen as the most important aspect of a person’s life yet are also seen as one of the most difficult things to achieve. Traditionally committed relationships were about ownership and property rights, later focussed on being acceptable to family and society. Modern style marriages/relationships are often based on culture of romance and as such are doomed to failure as romance is a servant of the Ego (what’s in it for me?) and doesn’t last. People, at least in the west are living longer with more lifestyle choices available than ever before? We believe that your relationship follows the rules of nature- it is never standing still so if it isn’t growing it’s dying. We also see that Love- both personal and infinite is a crucial element for relationship longevity. We offer these relationship tools so you can learn to keep your relationship growing, eliminate boredom and complacency and take a risk and create a sustainable relationship for you:

1. Creating a unique relationship that is right just for you–

letting go of any external rules, values and moral codes that do not serve you and bring your life together into the present moment, with whatever is right for you. We often approach relationship for some largely unhelpful subconscious reasons- Identify what larger fields of influence are defining your choices- eg. Family, friends, culture, religion, society, environment, life experience etc. Let go of them and give yourself permission to envision a plan that works for just the two of you.

2. Living relationship through conscious intention-

having a living agreement between you creates a powerful container for trust, love and support, and opportunities to grow. It is also a strong pathway to pleasure- when you know you both really want to be there and living fully in the moment. You are not bound only by external agreements, rules and obligations but a deep and honest commitment to each other. Find the container that is right for you and COMMIT to it. Affirm it to each other regularly.

3. The No.1 relationship Power tool- it is ALL about yourself!

Contrary to what you have been told. Not just being self serving. Your freedom lies in taking responsibility for you. Taking responsibility means you are connecting to a higher aspect of yourself that is more loving, open, compassionate, giving. And the quickest avenue to love is to give it.

4. Saying yes to sexuality-

not just as tension relief or itch scratching but as deep pleasure, connection and a way of life. Making time to connect regularly a high priority. This creates a powerful source of energy, connection and flow available in you. Regular sexual connection and acknowledgement of some kind that has an element of love, pleasure, passion, fun, healing or transcendence in it. Sex carries the energy of creation, allow it to both nurture and inspire you! Also not shutting your sexual energy down around others but enjoying it and being conscious in what you do with it.

5. Cultivating intimacy-

we are often good at being independent, how are you at being up close? Feeling promotes connection. This means ALL of your feelings not just the “nice” ones. Making all of your feelings right not wrong, and something to learn from- feelings are often very logical, when we make our feelings wrong we make ourselves wrong. When we make ourselves wrong we come from a place of shame. Where are you at with intimacy?

6. Saying yes to God, Infinite Love, Spirit (or your equivalent) –

bringing spirituality in to your relationship in a way that works for you. Cultivating experiences that involve state change and lift us out of our everyday state of being in a way that adds rather than detracts eg. Church, meditation, intention, sex, ritual, natural substances used with clear intention. Cultivating Infinite Love to support your challenges in your more Personal Love relationship.

7. Finding yourself through relationship rather than losing yourself-

this includes boundary setting, seeing yourself and partner as individual, allowing yourself to be seen and be vulnerable, seeing where you are out of your business and in your partners. Seeing where the common major relationship challenges may be operating eg. Jealousy, abandonment, isolation, withdrawal, distance/pursuer, masculine/feminine polarities and power imbalances. Examining our childhood experience and seeing where it may be in play in our relationship? As your inner child needs are likely to be subconsciously driving your behaviours- Get to know and nurture your inner child.

8. Embracing your shadows

(the bits of you and your partner that you don’t like) as a pathway TO love rather than separation of it. This includes the desire to try and therapise or fix your partner. This puts them into shame or resistance and allows you to hold on to your own fears. Can you open to love within yourself and love your partner exactly as they are, rather than how you need them to be. Own your projections- See what you need them to be is about keeping you safe. Being present in emotional intensity and feeling into what part of us is showing up- jealous one, disempowered one etc. allowing it to be seen and moved through. Cultivating presence with ourselves to get clear what is our stuff and what might be the others?

9. Living on Loves edge-

regularly straying out of your comfort zone- learning to expand rather than contract. Indentifying what is your deepest desire in life, recognizing that your partner’s deepest desire is likely to be the most difficult thing for you to say yes to. This is about going beyond compromise which ultimately takes the excitement and passion out of a relationship and merely creates resentment. Identify what is in your “no”- what is there for you to grow in? This is an ultimate path to love.

10. Purpose & Service-

Pass on your direct experiences of love to the world around you in some way as allowing them to overflow from you to the world around you allows the energy of Love to keep flowing. Pass it around. Our relationships work best when they are not just for us but for the whole world. For every action, thought and emotion affects everything in the universe as we are all part of the same oneness.