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Making it easier to see each other

November 5, 2015 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Men and Women ARE different…

Can you relate to the feeling of being totally unseen by your partner? Of having to nag them over and over to do something for you, and even though they say they care, they still don’t do it?

Or having answered them in a way that you think is perfectly clear, only to have your partner go on and on as if you hadn’t even spoken? As if they totally are from Venus whilst you are from Mars?

Men and women ARE different in many ways. Even though modern thinkers are trying to homogenise us and treat us all as equal. But being equal is very different to being the same.

This is especially true when it comes to our difficulties in communicating with each other.

What lies behind these communication difficulties is not so much what we’re saying, but the misleading perceptions we have of each other that drive the way we hear each other.

For example:

Often as women, we believe that a man should be “more feminine”, more sensitive and wordy in communicating, so that we can feel understood. We judge him as wrong or inadequate when he isn’t.

Men too can harbour the belief that a woman would be better off being “more masculine”, more straightforward and direct, making them easier to communicate with. They judge women as wrong, or too emotional when they’re indirect as it makes men uncomfortable.

We see each other through our own filters rather than seeing and appreciating our differences.

Simply not understanding these differences in perception can leave us feeling unheard, uncared about, disrespected and unloved. It creates polarisation, causing unhelpful behaviours that result in men and women growing apart when they communicate, rather than brining them the closeness they BOTH long for.

There is more to be gained in understanding and celebrating our differences as men and women. Rather than trying to minimize or neglect our uniqueness, particularly if we do so from a place of defensiveness, fuelled by misunderstanding and ignorance.

Domestic violence is not a gender issue

The current debate around domestic violence is an example of this polarisation. This hugely important debate is unfortunately degenerating into a gender issue. One which is mostly driven by knee jerking, but well meaning politicians and women’s leaders in their drive for much needed funding. When an issue that impacts both men and women is made out to appear gender specific, it only polarises both genders. This makes clear communication unnecessarily more challenging, and creates communication difficulties that could have otherwise been avoided.

Yes, men and women are obviously different. Some differences are easy to spot, and some are more subtle in how we act, feel, communicate and react to each other. These differences are part of why we’re attracted to each other.

Not understanding creates powerlessness

In any relationship over time, repeated experiences of feeling unheard or unmet through this not seeing each other leaves both partners feeling disconnected, frustrated and powerless. Even hopeless if it goes on long enough.

From our place of hurt we try to get our power back by taking the offensive (actively attacking or withdrawing). This gives us a few moments of powerfulness over the other. However, it leaves the attacked person in protection mode, where it is extremely difficult for them to defend themselves, and to support us (what we are looking for) at the same time. Meaning each protagonist ends up alone and isolated from each other.

Seeking to understand and appreciate our differences gives power to both people, especially when we both step out of playing games of protection or manipulation, and step into empowering each other.

The thing is that either we’re BOTH empowered or NEITHER of us truly are. Any games of one upmanship only cause unending frustration and separation.

So how ARE we different?

Here is a little look at how men and women are different in their inherent natures, how these differences impact and what we can do to benefit from them. This list is extensive, yet by no means exhaustive.

Of course, underneath our gender we are all just human.

MAN:

A man is internally motivated and more likely to follow his own path, to be driven by his inner sense of self.
He is largely self reliant and single focussed, accountable for his words and actions.
His singular focus, his cutting through the messy or the unnecessary in order to achieve clarity takes energy.
He sees his needs as having paramount importance because ‘He gets, so He can give’.
He expresses himself through his opinions, actions and achievements, that to him, are vulnerable expressions of his individual self that is seeking to seen and loved. When he talks, he is not simply telling details, he is empowering himself with the energy of his storytelling. That’s why he loves to tell stories, the more outlandish the better.
Man needs woman, for he is fascinated, nurtured, energised and inspired by her beauty, mystery and appreciation of him.
He seeks to do things for her, to me
He loves becoming part of her team in achieving her desired outcomes and feels enlivened by her contentment.
He highly values woman’s independence and though he loves to help, he doesn’t wish to get involved in her ‘issues’, for he sees these as draining of his precious life energy and having no obvious solution.
He may not see woman’s nurturing of him, as he forgets himself in his warrior like pursuit of his goals.
When his own offerings are unheard or rejected by his woman, he will feel unworthy and a failure. Asking a man to provide you with what you know he cannot is particularly cruel for him.

WOMAN:

A woman is externally motivated and responds more automatically to others needs and preferences than to her own.
She will seek her sense of self through connection with others, supporting and enhancing herself through helping them, though she does not seek ultimate responsibility for herself.
Her magic is in her vulnerability, her receptiveness and her ability to give of herself.
Nurturing, companionship, listening, sharing, playfulness, spontaneity, trust and appreciation are some of her many gifts.
She is also fullness, beauty, radiance, beingness and love.
She fills herself by receiving from nature, creativity and pleasure.
She is happy in the moment and in the messiness of life.
Her focus is more on the details and the process, rather than the outcome. She will not understand that this is the opposite to a man and will drain both herself, and him, by nagging him into attending to them.
She seeks agreement and commonality and without it feels disconnected, anxious and distant.
Without connection with another she can feel a loss of connection with herself.
Woman needs man to love, protect, provide for, cherish and ravish her. Even though she is much more able to do these things for herself these days, she is still enlivened by his appreciation, his providing for and love of her.
She believes that if a man doesn’t see all her efforts to please and care for him and respond in kind as a woman would, he is a selfish bastard, leaving her exhausted and filled with resentment and bitterness.

When a man is unseen by woman:

He is left powerless in the face of her protection and it brings out the opposite of his true nature. He will seek distance instead of intimacy (what she least wants). He may choose to compete with her rather than cherish her. He may anticipate with suspicion rather than trust. Instead of natural respect he might treat her with disdain.

His response to a woman’s weapons is one of shock, dismay, disbelief and a loss of his power, resulting in fury and rage. As he begins to relate from a place of fear rather than of love he will seek to objectify her rather than feel her, as to feel in this would be too dangerous. His rage has little place to go, as even in his pain, his desire to protect rather than retaliate is strong. He will often (though not always) choose to shut down instead. From his own place of disempowerment he can resort to same weapons as the woman uses. Any acts of physical violence are purely his last resort.

When a woman is unseen by man:

When she has given her all and is left unseen, a woman will understandably seek to protect herself from further hurt. This is the opposite of her true receptive nature. She will do protect herself consciously, or unconsciously, by covertly attempting to take away her man’s power, the only obvious step for the disempowered.

Her weapons are withholding her appreciation, her admiration, her trust and of course, her sex. She can also criticise, interrupt, complain about or ignore him. She might compare him unfavourably with others, show disinterest in or demean his ideas, his earning ability or smothering him with ‘Mother Knows Best’. She can also withhold her joy, radiance and beauty (a vital source of energy for him). Her emotionally abusive weapons are more socially acceptable than physical violence (though occasionally she can resort to this as well), but they’re nonetheless devastating to her man.

Turning the tables and seeing each other more clearly:

Instead of playing these games of hurt and protection, men and women can choose to be proactive and minimise the hurt by the following:

Man can:

Remember that woman’s beauty and radiance is enhanced by his appreciation and compliments, giving them regularly.
Choose to drop his need to self protect and call his woman on her defences from a place of clarity and love, rather than anger. His anger will dissipate and he will feel reconnected with himself and his innate loving power.
Recognise that he is enough in himself and let go of his ego need to be “right”
Understand that sometimes his desire to “fix” things doesn’t work for a woman, unless it involves a leaky tap or unblocking the vacuum cleaner
Understand that simply listening with presence and allowing her intensity to run, then subside naturally, is a deeply loving space for him to hold for her
Know that even though his role in relationship may no longer be that of protector and provider in the traditional way, his heart and his passion are still what she seeks.
See the sheer beauty and humour in their differences with laughter, for laughter is a great intensity shifter.

Woman can:

Choose to drop her weapons and instead truly revel in her own inner power, beauty and radiance so man can again love, appreciate and care for her.
Nurture herself through her own gifts, coming to him empowered rather than trying to get something from him.
Rather than over giving of herself, clearly asking him for help from a place of self worth.
Remembering he is goal, rather than task driven by letting him know what outcome his help will create for her, and asking what he needs to help her achieve it. Giving her appreciation afterwards.
Be open to receiving, an opinion, a compliment, a gift, or man’s love. In her receptivity he feels inspired to give.
Be able to listen to him without needing to interrupt, judge or justify herself and he will feel accepted by her and his heart will open in return. (This doesn’t mean he can’t appreciate an occasional good argument and feel her in her intensity).
When she ask for things, disagrees with him, or talks with him, to do so from her place of love where he will more likely hear her.

Underneath we are all just looking for love, and to give love.

As you can see, this is a large and complex topic, but having some simple understandings can allow huge shifts to happen in your relationship with the ‘opposite’ sex.

Remembering that underneath our defences we are all just looking for love and acceptance in one way or another, and in that we are definitely both equal AND the same.

For those of you seeking more on this intriguing subject see the wonderful work by Alison Armstrong on which some of this article is based.

And for those who would like to explore this in more detail in their own relationships contact Oztantra for a Skype session here

Thinking vs Feeling

October 20, 2015 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Understanding this relationship will change your life!

When we first start to look at ourselves and become more aware of what is happening inside of us it can feel a bit like a journey into madness. This journey is necessary in order to become more whole in ourselves. When we shine the torch light inside of us it is vital to learn the skills for navigating what we discover- the unlimited cornucopia of our stories and the inevitable discomfort of our feelings.

This is the way to satisfying intimate relationship and unlimited sexual pleasure! For the degree with which we are intimate with ourselves is the degree to which we can be intimate and in pleasure with another.

Most of us try to think our feelings

Though this is what most of us try to do, as a way of avoiding the discomfort of actually feeling them. As we become more and more intellectual this becomes more ‘normal’. The problem with this is that it suppresses our authentic connection to ourselves, leaving us more anxious and fear based, more susceptible to mind generated negative thoughts and feelings.

Thinking vs Feeling

The first step is to start taking your awareness from the world around you to the world inside of you and simply notice what is happening- thinking vs feeling.

The second step is to make our feelings OK. If we’re not comfortable in our feelings we judge them as messy, painful and unnecessary. They’re certainly often portrayed that way in our society, whether it’s in emotion fuelled dramas on TV or role modelled by our least favourite ‘over emotional’ relative or co worker. Emotions also get a bad rap from many spiritual philosophies that talk about the need to ‘transcend’ emotions in order to be truly ‘spiritual’. Instead, we suggest accepting them and going through our feelings allows them to feel less like pain and more like aliveness on the way to truth and wholeness.

There are generally two types of feeling paths that people experience (who are often in relationship with each other!):

People with emotional intensity:

If you are someone who has many intense feelings then your journey towards wholeness is starting out fragmented in the intensity and moving toward your centre, where your centre is your rock in the middle of the storm of life. Like the popular poster image of a few years ago with a man appearing at the door of a tiny lighthouse, standing on a foundation no wider than the lighthouse itself in a raging ocean. The man appears without fear, centred and grounded in himself.

This is stepping into a place of control in your feelings is your challenge. Note that I said control ‘IN’ your feelings, rather than control ‘OVER’ them. It sounds illogical yet the experience is one of coming home to yourself, of freedom.

If intense feelings are your normal then your task is to get more present in them so they don’t overwhelm you. To detach your feelings from your story and just feel what is real in your body, by observing your thoughts exactly as they are right now and feeling your feelings as they are in the present moment. Rather than creating more intensity through spiraling thoughts and increasing emotion ie. drama, as this drama becomes like a never ending soap opera with no way out, with you hooked into waiting for the next episode. Taking some slow, deep breaths will help, as taking control of our breath helps us to take control of our feelings.

For when we fully feel any individual feeling it passes and is gone from our body, most often within a few moments, half an hour to an hour at most. If it feels never ending and doesn’t shift, this means you are still not experiencing it fully, and staying in the drama of your thoughts. If this is happening be gentle with yourself and see if you can stop and go more deeply into the feeling- ending your intensity sooner! You will know it has shifted when you feel clear of it.

People with little emotionality:

However if you are someone who has been very intellectual rather than feeling based it can seem chaotic and overwhelming to start feeling (not to mention pointless).

If you are new to feeling your task is to value your feelings and trust that they have a purpose, that they will offer you useful information about yourself. And that from this perspective they will also offer you freedom- for at its deepest point freedom is simply a feeling in your body.

Your practice is recognizing when you are thinking and unaware of your feelings. You do this by pausing and taking your attention inside you and simply noticing. Taking some deeper breaths can help, as the more you breathe the more you feel. You might first notice you are feeling nothing, this is still a feeling!

Remember that to fulfil your deepest desire of feeling connected with another you must first feel this connection with yourself.

Connection is a feeling in itself.

We can’t separate our feelings and decide we want to feel happy, excited, loving or connected etc whilst avoiding feeling sad, scared, hurt or alone.

We either feel or we don’t.

Whilst we may think we can feel happy etc whilst suppressing our so called negative emotions what we actually experience is a mere echo of what is possible. This interestingly also include our feelings of sexual pleasure.

Which means if you want better orgasms you need to start feeling more emotional!

And by feeling emotional we don’t in mean the socially accepted model- that of acting out our emotions all over the place! We mean simply feeling them.

For if you desire intimate relationship, if you want more love, closeness, happiness and even pleasure and excitement in your life then getting into healthy relationship with your feelings is vital because all of these good things are feelings!

One of the main reasons we avoid intimacy, or it goes pear shaped is down to our inability to connect with or be with this part of ourselves. We see this over and over again in the work that we do with couples. We personally know this one from the inside out too, due to the intense nature of our relationship and life changes we’ve called in over the last few years- where our emotional intelligence has been invaluable, the difference between life and death!

Feelings are not good or bad

Emotions such as fear, anger, sadness and feelings like guilt and shame are not the only feelings we’re capable of, they just tend to be the messiest. It doesn’t mean our painful feelings are wrong it just means we need to learn how to deal with them.

Of course we can also experience many other feelings such as happiness, gratitude, openness, joy, peace, ease, love, pleasure etc. Our biggest challenge with these so called ‘positive’ feelings is that we don’t know we have the choice to access them inside ourselves and miss out on them whilst waiting for external circumstances to offer them to us.

We can’t choose to feel some feelings and not others, we either feel or we don’t. We miss out on feeling truly, mindblowingly wonderful by avoiding feeling so called ‘bad’. It’s all just feeling.

Our feelings have a purpose

Emotions are part of our communication and survival systems. In the west they are thought to be created in the oldest part of our Primal brain as part of our survival system, in the east are thought to exist as energy in motion (E-motion) in the body.

A simple way of thinking about feelings in our bodies is to imagine them like water flowing through a hose. When we choose to avoid a feeling we put a kink in the hose, creating a backup of water that eventually leaks out in other areas. The way to unkink the hose is simply to acknowledge and feel the feeling.

Our problem is trying to answer a feeling problem with thinking answers. We do this because we subconsciously believe it keeps us safe and in control. There are times when this is necessary and others when it just gets in the way. We all genuinely want to feel loving and loved in our relationships, and try to do the right thing, so we experience much inner turmoil when we’re triggered into feelings and behaviours that are the opposite of what we want. This inner conundrum, driven by our social conditioning and Egoic fears about emotions, creates confusion, disconnection and shame inside us making it difficult to step further forward into intimacy.

Thoughts and feelings are separate.

Thoughts happen in the mind. Feelings happen in the body.

Feelings are NOT thoughts and you cannot think them.

But they are strongly related to each other-

Thoughts can create feelings: today is Valentines Day and I believe I will receive flowers from my lover therefore I feel happy.

Feelings can also create thoughts: I feel scared as I want to tell my partner I love her. The fear of rejection makes me think she will see me as needy and I will be rejected again.

Triggered feelings from something outside of us: Anger in response to my husband sitting in front of the tv instead of helping me with the kids.

Triggered feelings from inside of us (usually from our past): feeling my girlfriend not being interested in me brings up feelings I experienced with my mother being emotionally unavailable.

WE all have these four kinds of feelings experiences and not knowing how to deal with them keeps us separate from our authentic self and from those around us as we act out, disconnect, pull away or shut down.

Thoughts help us understand whilst staying in control.

Feelings seem like they take us out of control and understanding comes after they have been felt. This sense of being out of control can be greatly lessened by simply choosing to acknowledge, feel, understand, enjoy and resolve our feelings.

Exercises to try:

Practice noticing whether you ‘thinking’ your feelings in your head, or feeling them in your body. If you are thinking them, pause and bring your attention to your body and notice what you are actually feeling, separate from your thoughts.
Practice noticing whether your thoughts are creating your feelings, or your feelings are creating thoughts, and whether your feeling triggers are external or internal. Noticing this will show you what to do about them.

A Guide to Breast Appreciation

September 22, 2015 By admin Leave a Comment

Well, if it’s not official, we’re declaring it Breast Appreciation Week!

And to do so we’re offering A Guide to Breast Appreciation for both women and the men who love them…

A Woman’s Breasts are the Pathway to her Heart

Have you as a woman ever stopped to think about your breasts? It’s very likely that your lovers have given them some undivided attention, whether it has been in lovemaking, in that hot new outfit or as you’re brushing your teeth naked in the bathroom…

Your relationship to your own breasts is a powerful indicator of your relationship to your heart, and even to yourself.

Do you think of your breasts from an external point of view? How they look, whether, as you wiggle them into their underwire or push up bra, they match up to the socially approved images? Or do you pause for a moment and remember how they may have nurtured your children? Or with a smile how they’re appreciated by your lovers and the degree of pleasure they give?

Perhaps you appreciate them for the amount of pleasure they give you? As the nipples rise to peaks of excitement, sending a direct line of pleasure to the clitoris do you see your breasts mainly as a source of pleasure, a beginning place to stimulate other parts of the body?

Do you ever relate to your breasts from inside of yourself ie. feeling them from the inside out? Do you notice how connect your breasts feel to your heart? Do you notice how when your heart is open your breasts become more sensitive, even fuller and rounder? Have you ever felt your breasts expressing the language of your heart? Perhaps you have experienced your breasts as totally numb, feeling little? This is a common occurrence as our breasts respond to where we have hardened our hearts in life. But they can be reawakened with loving touch.

Breast Appreciation Ritual

Set aside 10-15mins to fully appreciate your breasts as part of your womanly, feminine self. Let them be naked, free of restraint. Touch with gentleness and caress them with love, starting from the outside and slowly working towards the nipples. Touch with appreciation and without an agenda to make anything happen. Breathe into them and feel the feelings that arise. Imagine your heart underneath and notice the degree of connection you feel between both, without judgement. Complete with just holding them in each hand in stillness.

Notice how your relationship to your breasts, your heart and yourself can change after this simple self love meditation.

Breast Appreciation for Men

Men, know that your woman’s breasts are a gateway to her heart and her heart is the key to her fully awakened sexuality. Let her know how much you appreciate this part of her. Tell her often how beautiful they are to you. Touch them with reverence as well as lust. Start with gentle touch around the outsides, hold and feel the weight of them in your hands, touch the space between her breasts with the palm of your hand, melt it onto her heart. Slowly moving to the centre of her breasts. Move towards and away from the nipples, blow warm/cool air over them, lick, kiss, suck gently then harder. Feel your woman’s response to gauge your touch. Woman breastfeeding

Nb. If your woman is breastfeeding check in with her as to the degree of touch she is open to, sometimes she can a bit of overwhelm with too much going on for them.

And ladies remember you don’t need to wait for your lover to touch them, it is OK for you to caress them in self pleasuring and lovemaking yourself, don’t miss out on this important part of your whole body arousal.

A Sexually Empowered Woman

August 29, 2015 By admin Leave a Comment

What Does a Sexually Empowered Woman Look Like?

This question came up after reflecting on my sexual journey over the years and writing it has stunned me to see all the benefits I have found in embracing this part of myself. I am not all of these all the time but I have definitely experienced many such moments of each.
Do any of them resonate with you?

A sexually empowered woman is: (in no particular order)

She is comfortable in her skin, in her body and at ease with who she is in the world.

Her self esteem is not related to men’s (or anyone’s) opinion of her.

She makes her own choices and does not need to conform to the roles required of her by others.

She has deep friendships with women and relates to them as sisters rather than competitors.

She is without the need to compete with other women for attention from men.

She can enjoy feelings of sexual arousal that may arise within her through contact with another knowing that she can fully embrace these feelings of warm, melting, tingling aliveness without needing to act on them , unless it is right for her to do so.

She doesn’t perform in sex , instead experiences it fully as an expression of herself, whoever she is in that moment- maiden, lover, wild woman, slut, healer, Goddess and many more.

She has her own inner moral code that she can trust without needing to rely on external rules of behaviour.

She buys clothes and lingerie to enjoy for herself rather than to impress or manipulate others.

She doesn’t have to dress sexy (although she can!) because she IS sex and she knows it.

She has an open heart that sees sex as an expression of love rather than being separate from it.

She is connected with her own body and is able to touch herself sensually, sexually and with love.

She releases shame from her body by owning it as an instrument of love and pleasure.

She doesn’t limit herself to genital pleasure but experiences it in every part of her body.

She nurtures it by eating well, exercising regularly and attending to its needs.

She has a relationship with the wisdom of her Yoni (vulva/vagina/womb) and takes the time to listen to Her messages.

She sees sexuality as a power within herself rather than a power over others to manipulate or dominate them with.

She knows the feeling of freedom that comes from within.

She experiences an expansion in herself as well as pleasure in her sex.

She is creative, playful, spontaneous and intuitive.

She will leave you feeling sated, energized, nurtured, inspired and loved.

She knows that love will arise in all moments of full presence in intimacy with another and accepts the magic of this without needing to attach any further meaning to it.

She chooses to breathe consciously when making love, to ground, connect and expand her awareness and pleasure.

She heart openly embraces her inner slut, not allowing the shame of her conditioning to stop her.

She is not afraid to talk about sex.

She knows there is a time for sex and time without it.

She is willing to feel everything– pleasure, emotion, bliss, pain and love for they are all pathways to herself.

She is not afraid to feel the pain of rejection.

She lets go the stories from her conditioning around sex knowing they come from shame and fear.

She is clear and respectful in her desires and boundaries. If she is not clear she will be willing talk to you about it.

She does not attract men who are abusive, controlling, manipulative, shaming, disempowered or otherwise unconscious as they are afraid to approach her clear, grounded power.

She is not afraid of having a good time, of creating a good time for all, not just for herself simply by being who she is.

She has a good understanding of her body from hours of practice in self pleasuring and is able to ask clearly for what she wants.

She doesn’t expect her lover to everything for her.

She is able to open herself in lovemaking and actively receive her lovers touch, increasing the pleasure for both.

She is able to greatly enjoy giving her lover pleasure without giving herself away.

She knows to nurture herself with her sexual energy by moving it up through her body where it nurtures and awakens her.

She is not afraid of intensity in her feelings.

She seeks to enjoy her yearnings and longings for another rather than suffer in them.

If she desires sex she becomes it, so there is no further need to desire.

She knows the power of sex to heal, nurture and awaken.

She sees sexuality as a part of spirituality, her very aliveness, part of the world’s big mystery.

She can equally participate in a really earthy fuck, a loving and gentle caress or moments of divine union. In fact she likes a little of each!

She comes to her partner as a loving equal wanting to share and create together.

She will demand a safe, respectful space to make love in and if she doesn’t feel safe she is willing to help create safety or leave where this is not possible.

She will not seek to own her lover and if she feels jealous she will see it is because she has stepped away from her connection with herself and will come back to herself again.

She will want you to go deep with her, as deep as she can go with herself.

She will want you to fuck her from an open heart, as that is what she will be doing with you.

She will be a Goddess not a Princess.

She IS radiant beauty and power.

She can have one lover or many but she will make it a choice.

She will crack your heart open with her capacity for vulnerability and surrender- to her own heart and to you.

If you crack she will hold you with the utmost presence and tenderness making it a moment of safety, love and joy.

She will be fully in relationship with herself, her sexuality and with love.

She will give to you, teach and change you just through being who she is, through bringing light to your own darkness.

If you would like to add more layers to your own sexual journey contact Annette on 1800 TANTRA or email here

Or join her for this event in Brisbane on Sept 5th

Do Men Only Want Sex?

July 28, 2015 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Is it really true…. ?

When I hear the words “men are only interested in sex…” I feel angry, angry at how easily as a man I feel I have been judged. It is an instant flash of heat and fire when I feel labeled as an unfeeling block of wood that only wants to sex. Yes, I do love sex but most importantly, I love making love, not as an unfeeling block of wood, but as a deeply loving, emotionally connected man.

I am a man who has focused my last 15 years on learning and connecting with my emotionality. I am no longer the same person, I no longer live in the same part of the world, where I lived for 54 years, or work at anything remotely resembling what I was doing when I started this journey.

What I have begun to understand is that the more I find out, the more I realise I don’t know. This has not been an easy journey for me to learn and understand emotional heart connection and I still feel intensity when I hear this judgment towards men.

Do Men Only Want sex….?

Or is it they want more, just don’t know how to say it…

I agree, that men have earned this judgment and men including myself have been unfeeling fuckers and there are reasons but really no excuses. I feel sad for myself and all those men who have been conditioned from very early in their lives to believe that emotions are wrong and not to be shown, shared or expressed.

It was confronting for me to accept, understand or even acknowledge how emotionally closed I was, yet that was my normal in my world back then. In my previous life I was in a long term marriage that ended, a farmer and earth moving contractor, and in that world emotions received the same level of social acceptance as contracting a sexually transmitted disease.

Embarking on this journey is the most challenging direction I have taken in my life, breaking the shackles around my heart, breaking my conditioned self inflicted mold and living life from my heart in a more emotionally connected way, thankfully without the STD.

Do Women Want Men to be Different ?

And yes, I have hit fear and resistance from women, purely because it is not ‘normal’ for any man to be in his empowerment from this place.

The good news is modern trends are indicating gradual change for both men and women away from stereotypes of the past towards more middle ground. Increasingly, men are willingly choosing more active family roles such as being the stay at home primary care giver, performing more house work and sexually, men are becoming less driven by their urges and more by their desire for emotional connection.

Observing this change is simple, in any public place observe how many fathers are present with their children, it is much more common than two decades ago.

Men Want Heart Connected Sex

This is good for men who desire much more connection in sex, in their relationships and their lives. What is changing, is men are becoming aware of and validating their own emotional needs and desires- recognizing that they can and do actually feel, even if they don’t have the same language to express it as a woman might.

And yes, men do desire sex but more importantly, more men are desiring and seeking heart connected sex.

Men are coming in from the emotional cold and seeking heart connection, which, I believe is helping to drive the resurgence of interest in Tantra.

Traditionally, women have held the emotional high ground in relationships and with this change of emotional alignment, increasing numbers of men are meeting women more in this place of sensitive intimate connection.

Are Women Prepared For Emotionally Connected Men ?

Are women ready and prepared to embrace this change and be met by men in their traditional emotional high ground?

At Oztantra we are regularly witnessing this shift in our relationship and intimacy work with couples, men standing up in their emotional heart and calling his woman into deeper intimacy and vulnerability in their relationship and in intimate lovemaking. Quite often, all it takes to leap forward, is simply offering language translation and understanding allowing deepening connections to develop naturally.

Men are seeking and reclaiming their rightful place in heart connected sex with their partner and this is changing relationship dynamics. Through our work with relationships, we are aware that in intimate relationships, it is generally men who have capacity for and do bring heart depth into relationship.

Men have natural masculine capacity for real strength and depth of heart, simply because of their ability to focus clearly on one thing at a time and when choosing to deepen emotional connection, he does exactly that and from his inner masculine strength. This is what woman desires to feel in her relationship with man.

If you’re a woman who desires her man to meet her like this, then be careful for what you wish for and prepare to be deeply penetrated in your heart.

Experiencing a man in his emotionally connected sexual heart can be challenging for a woman because when he goes there, he really goes there.

Men Bring Heart into relationship, And Women Bring Sex..

Looking beneath and past the conditioned surface appearance of relationship, where it is so easy to accept the common logic of men bring sex and a woman heart, it becomes possible to see that with real depth, it is men who bring heart depth into relationship and women bring heart connected sex.

When men are emotionally disconnected from themselves, they bypass heart and proceed immediately into seeking just sex. If in doubt, ask yourself what is it that you most desire from your partner? A woman most often desires to feel the depth and strength of her man’s open heart, and a man desires to be met in open heart connected sexual freedom with his woman.

When each goes deeper and brings their individual gifts of heart and sex into relationship separate from traditional stereotypes, real magic happens.

This is why porn is directed towards men and the romance industry is aimed at women, and when either or both are playing this external superficial game and disconnected from the depth underneath, both soon feel empty.

And, unfortunately when seeking more of the same from outside of themselves only increases feelings of emptiness. These habits cease when the real thing is created together at home, with emptiness replaced by contentment, fulfillment, fun and pleasure.

Men do want sex, but awakening men desire heart connected sex and this is the difference. Connecting with this part of himself is a life changing experience which permeates through him, his relationship, family and community. It’s like tossing a pebble into a pond and watching the ripples spread out.

Men Connecting Emotionality with Heart and Sexuality

Energetically, the masculine heart is different to the feminine and this is a good thing. Feminine heart is more universal, inclusive and connected to her surroundings, spirit and universe. Masculine heart is deeply personal, grounded and connected in his soul, his sense of self.

This expands and strengthens with his emotional heart connection, which he brings into relationship. In this place, man desires sexual heart connection with his woman.

As men own more of their emotionality, they begin to feel more depth of heart connection with their sexuality. Deepening into heart and making love from this place is what man is capable of bringing into relationship.

Stereotyping man shames this part of him, shames his sensitive heart and sense of self with his normal reaction being, closing down emotionally and further closing his heart, turning him away from his true emotional heart connected self.

Our World Desperately Needs more Heart Connected Men…

Breaking this destructive cycle is as simple as supporting men in their journey of self discovery by validating their masculine heart, their emotionality and help create for the world more of what it most urgently needs.

Sisters Doin It For Themselves

June 30, 2015 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Are we as women blocking an important pathway to pleasure?

Is it time we became Sisters Doin It For Themselves?

In my younger years, my prevailing belief about a woman’s sexual pleasure was, to find the perfect lover who would magically make it all happen as he opened my body to unimaginable heights of pleasure with stars of love in my eyes. This belief is at least partially inspired by romance novels with lines like “He gazed passionately into her eyes before leaning in to kiss her, his tongue expertly caressing her depths, instantly awakening flames of passion deep inside of her” etc etc.

Women have been subtly (and not so subtly) conditioned by society to the idea that it is a man’s ‘job’ to ‘provide for his woman’, unconsciously encouraging her to see the male lover as the one holding the power and prowess in the bedroom. But does it have to be this way? One of my recent Hollywood idols (yes, there still lives a teenager inside me!) Matthew McConnaughey (think Magic Mike) was dethroned in a live interview on The Actors Studio (see You Tube) by his wife Camila when she stated she wished occasionally when Matthew was home that he behaved more like the ‘throw her against the wall and ravish her’ kind of guy he portrays in his movies! Matthew grins and agrees.

This is a good reminder that men are simply perfectly imperfect human beings, just like us, not necessarily Gods in the bedroom.

This deeply infectious conditioning is also supported by our biology, as our sexuality is experienced through the body’s autonomic nervous system. The challenge of the autonomic nervous system response is that it works largely beyond the mind’s conscious control where we can’t ‘will’ it to happen, as anyone trying to ‘force’ arousal or orgasm to happen very quickly discovers. This is where we as women have traditionally handed control of our pleasure, often idealized as the woman’s surrender, over to her lover.

Yet this idea of the man being the sole provider of our pleasure can be a very one hard to give up.

But ladies it is time to do exactly that if your attachment to this romantic scenario is getting in the way of your pleasure. For when you’re pining for the perfect partner who can effortlessly make it all happen you’re making yourself miserable over something that doesn’t actually exist.

There is no doubt about it, that we can experience our lovers as perfect at different times but it’s the idea that we need them to be like this always that gets in the way.

It’s very similar for a guy watching porn who fantasizes about the endlessly and effortlessly horny, wet and willing woman on the screen. If a woman believes she cannot experience pleasure without the perfect partner to do it for her, then she is totally giving her sexual power away. She is putting her focus and energy outside of herself and losing her voice to express what she wants and desires in the process.

In conscious lovemaking a woman really understands that pleasure is a co created experience and that she herself has much to bring. Women’s bodies take time, safety, relaxation and surrender, but can we also give it to ourselves? Where surrender is not so much to the skill of our lover but instead into surrender of our thinking minds to our feeling hearts and bodies, when we let go of trying, pushing, forcing and simply be in the moment open to pleasure arising.

Trusting, loving ourselves and our bodies, giving ourselves loving messages rather than critical self judgement. Feeling our own safety inside of us, wanting and desiring to be there and indirectly activating our autonomic nervous system whilst we’re at it!

When our partners are able to join us in this place of loving, wanting and desiring us, helping us feel loved, beautiful and safe it definitely enhances the impact of our efforts.

Yet if we are closed, untrusting of ourselves and our pleasure, physically tense and in self judgement, then the touch we experience literally feels much less pleasurable or maybe even intolerable.

The autonomic nervous system is very sensitive and requires nurturing. This is where it is important for us to know our own bodies, to be familiar with them through self pleasure, to not only know what they are capable of, but to love spending time there because if we are unwilling to spend time with ourselves, then how can we expect anyone else to?

In lovemaking with another it is absolutely OK to include touching your own body, for the pure pleasure of it, to co create.

If we’re not hoping or demanding that he totally looks after us, then the more your lover can soften and drop into his own feeling body, opening his own heart, deepening his yumminess and his presence with us, sharing the role of lover and co creating the experience.

Ways to claim your sexual power and enhance your pleasure:

Take the time to stop, breathe, relax, connect with your own feeling body at the beginning.
Trust that if you can be fully present in your body and open to whatever pleasure may arise then pleasure will happen. This trust activates your autonomic nervous system to do its magical work.
Drop trying to perform as it will take you away from where you want to be.
Believe how you are is perfect right now. Focus on how you feel rather than how you look.
Allow self touch to be part of your lovemaking, not as a fallback position but as a joy. If your partner sees you he will likely be inspired to join in, once he knows it works for you.
Connect with your heart, be how you are rather than how you think you (or your lover) thinks you should be.
Allow any emotions to be felt, even if they feel inappropriate to the moment- as feeling them opens up new pathways to pleasure. Breathe, feel and allow.

And Baby Makes 3…

May 13, 2015 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Having a baby together is one of the most important gifts you are going to share with your life partner. So how do you make the most of the gifts and the obvious, or maybe not so obvious, challenges in this part of your relationship when baby makes 3?

Are you as new (or even newish) parents struggling to reconnect in your relationship? Perhaps you’re feeling tired, uninspired with little resentments, fights or cold wars building an increasing level of distance between you, no matter how much good will you want to show?

As Mum are you:

– feeling overwhelmed at the awesome responsibility you are faced with and how you will cope with it?

– feeling resentful instead of loving when your partner comes in from a day out and about in the ‘real’ world?

– totally over having someone wanting to touch your breasts after breast feeding all day?

– scared that you won’t ever feel desire for your partner again?

– believing that you r partner just has to tolerate your shift in priorities?

– After experiencing the amazing power of birth are you sensing that there is something more to sex but getting caught in the same old boring routine each time it does happen?

– Will you ever find yourself as a unique individual again?

As a Dad are you:

– tired of getting rejected sexually?

– scared sex won’t ever go back to the way it used to be?

– feeling both awed and overwhelmed by the responsibility you feel and driven to spend extra time at work to ‘provide fully’ for your family?

– have fear around balancing responsibility vs independence?

– feeling challenged at being sexual with this ‘mum’ type person?

– Frustrated at helping your partner relax and come ‘first’ then having a mere moment or two of pleasure yourself at the end of the night?

We just want to know that these are all normal or at least very common experiences of new parents, all amongst the joy and wonder of being a new parent.

If this is you then read on here for some suggestions that will help, even if it is just knowing you’re not alone….

When baby makes 3 there isn’t a rule book, you are making your own.

Lots of people will want to give you well meant advice, plus there are zillions of articles and hundreds of books out there with helpful suggestions but see that ultimately it is your relationship to make it work your way.

There is a time in the early days when you both do just have to grin and bare it, whilst being as loving to yourselves and each other as you manage.

It is important for the long run however you both make a commitment to recreating ‘adult’ time in your relationship, this includes both in intimacy as well as sexually otherwise there is an unhealthy wedge inserted between you. Your relationship needs to support your child (children) not be totally dominated by it.

Arrange babysitting weekly or fortnightly so you can have a couple of hours just to be together. You might just want to take a stroll or go for a coffee, the idea is that it is your time. If babysitting is difficult see if there are other parents you can swap ‘time out’ with. Even this simple beginning can help bring back some of those ‘old’ feelings of desire for each other.

Open communication

Making the time to talk about your post baby expectations, fears and desires makes a big difference by establishing a clearer understanding of each other. Communicate by asking open ended questions, focus on talking about what you fear/desire for yourself, then ask your partner about their own desires etc.

It’s ok to express your frustration as releasing anger energy promotes passion. Just make sure you own it as your anger about you, without projecting onto your partner.

Don’t expect your partner to communicate the same way as you

These are tender topics and communication styles differ, especially between the male/female dynamic. Be prepared to listen to what IS being said, rather than having set expectations. Know that men DO feel they just don’t have the same language or social permission to express it, assuming this can help you see them more clearly.

Make it a shared journey.

Sometimes it is easy to forget when the focus is all on the mother and what is happening for her just how big an impact becoming a parent will be having on the father as well. Motherhood is still one of the most revered roles in our society, subtly reinforced in many different ways from adverts with only ‘mother and baby’ images to Babycare books referring to things ‘Mother’ can do when the child is ill. Even more so than Fatherhood, although this is rightly changing as fathers become more directly involved in their children’s daily lives. It’s important to know this imbalance can be reflected in the husband/wife dynamic if the father role is not fully acknowledged. For even though your partner doesn’t physically carry and give birth to your baby becoming a parent also brings in life altering changes for them, just like you.

Discuss post baby sex!
Sex is going to look a little different for a while after your baby arrives. The main thing you need is to talk about it and have a plan, otherwise there is the potential for your baby to take over the place where the sex used to be.

Talk with them about:

How sex is important to you and ultimately you DO want it to be a part of your ongoing relationship
There being initially a time when you’re just not up for it, due to your hormones rebalancing themselves, sleep deprivation, healing episiotomy scars, feeding issues etc and this is normal
How things like doing the dishes, tidying up, bathing the baby or answering the phone to their mother will become active parts of foreplay!
As does supporting your partner to have her own time and space to reconnect with her individual self, a reminder of who she is besides being a mum can help restore libido, as well as your desire for her sexual self.

Bringing Your Sexy Back For Women Post Baby

Once you’ve adjusted to your new routine and you are physically recovering you may like to explore some of the following ideas:

Understand that a woman’s body may feel different post baby, just explore it without judgement. You may feel different too, more comfortable, powerful or tentative. Whatever it is know that your sexy, desirable woman is still there she just needs time to come out. Your partner knows this and is likely to be very willing to support you in this.
Feeling sexual is about feeling connected to your sense of self so finding ways for you to regain your sense of YOU will help nurture this part of you. Identify what is it that most makes you feel you and find ways to experience that- going for a walk, meditating, coffee with your girlfriends, time to shop for yourself, do your hobby or have an afternoon at a spa.
Having your partner reminding you that you are a sexual being by helping you get back into your sexual feelings eg. stroking/kissing the back of your neck or inner arms, massaging your feet, hugging you from behind (without touching breasts) and connecting your hearts. This only works without having an agenda to turn it into instant sex, think bigger picture goal and just enjoy the moment.
Try just lying together with your hand resting on his cock and his hand resting on your heart, maybe even as you go to sleep. This validates the sexual connection between you.
Know that you may be initially more interested in connecting sex than performance sex- going slower, relaxing, taking your time than highly erotic, hot and heavy type sex.
If you’re not up for making love yourself perhaps you could you lie next to your partner whilst they self pleasure, how would you/they be with that?
Understand that in this place arousal can come before desire. This means that actually creating some pleasure through touch (or feeling your partner’s pleasure) can assist your own desire for making love to arise.
Practicing Daily Devotion- a Tantric practice that is about connection rather than outcome. There is no foreplay and no orgasm. Use a side by side or scissors position. Use just enough lubrication to enable penetration then sl movement to maintain connection for 10-20 mins. Mostly just relax, breathe and feel what is, hug to complete. This is a great way to re establish the sexual energy between you. If not daily then as often as possible.

Talk about your potential parenting styles

You might not think it but you will probably have differences in the way you ‘parent’ your child. These differences will be reflections of the way you were brought up yourselves. Discuss the differences in your upbringing and see how this might look. Decide if you want to negotiate and present a united front, or be willing to let each parent be responsible for the consequences of their individual choices

As we mentioned having a baby is one of the most life changing and important things two people can do together. It is vital that you plan to have your relationship come out on top along with it.

If you would like some assistance with getting reconnected after baby makes 3 (or more) in your life, whether it is recently or even months or years ago contact us for a Skype session or even a visit for a face to face reconnection session!

Call 1800 TANTRA or email here

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The ABC of Coming Together!

April 6, 2015 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

The ABC of Coming Together

Two people scaling the heights of their sexual pleasure reaching the ultimate peak of togetherness by ‘coming’ at the same time…

That’s not what we’re talking about.

We’re talking about something much more important.

Not the ABC AIRWAY, BREATHING & CIRCULATION resuscitation technique but something equally life sustaining:

ATTENTION, BREATH & CONNECTION- The No. 1 technique to transform your relationship

-The coming together of your mind and body!

Much of the time we walk around disconnected from ourselves only half alive, half available, living in our heads with facts more highly valued over feelings. Our culture supports and validates this way of being. We cram more and more information in our heads from so called experts external to ourselves but what are we actually doing with it?

Living this way we’re disconnected from the reality of our physical form, as well as our feeling and other subtle realms, whether you believe in them or not that help create the magic in life and relationship. It leads us to THINK our feelings rather than authentically FEEL them. Feelings are not facts but they are an important part of our communication and survival systems and literally the juice in life and relationships.

For what are happiness, joy, love, connection, excitement, freedom, peace, pleasure and bliss but feelings??

This disconnection inside of us makes it harder to know who WE are AND how to really connect with another.

This simple ABC practice is about coming into union with YOURSELF.

Pause.
Take your ATTENTION from your thoughts to your body.
Use your mind to notice what you are experiencing- feeling your body sitting, standing or lying, along with any physical sensations of relaxation, tension, heat, cold, tingling etc you can notice.
BREATHE consciously, slightly deeper than normal.

Conscious Breathing connects mind and body.

Scan your body and CONNECT with what is happening inside of it, especially your chest, belly and throat. Notice any more subtle sensations such as heaviness, lightness, tension, butterflies, anxiety, frustration, peace, happiness etc. It can help to place one hand on your belly and the other on your chest. You may also experience nothing, and nothing is still something.
Stay present with this for a few moments, allow whatever is there just to be there exactly as it is with acceptance. This is known as ‘witnessing’ your feelings- keeping your attention on them, breathing into them, experiencing them exactly as they are without suppressing or accelerating them.
If it helps, name the feeling to yourself but avoid going into a story about what the feeling means as this will take you away from it. There is nothing to do here other than dropping into this experience.

Welcome home. This is you coming together experiencing yourself more fully. Centred in yourself. Self aware. Comfortable or not, from this place both life and relationships work.

Usually we don’t notice our bodies until they let us know they are there by some kind of malfunction or pain. If you get familiar with the pain it will no longer control you. If you check in when there is no pain you get to know more of what amazing feelings you’re capable of and strengthen the relationship between you, your body and yourself.

Practice Coming Together Regularly

Whenever you have a moment. The more you say yes to your body the more it will say yes to you.

In the beginning you may need to stop and close your eyes to do this. With practice you can do it with your eyes open (and without using your hands) anywhere, anytime no matter what is happening around you- in a meeting, on a run, having a shower, making love.

Emotions Eek!

For those of you who shy away from the idea of feelings this is not about inviting a melodrama of emotion into your life, rather inviting you closer to reap the true benefits from them.

For those of you who live in a world full of often overwhelming emotions this is not about creating more intensity rather giving you control over the ones you already have, developing some emotional intelligence and win/win successes in your relationship.

The benefits of your ABC practice and your mind/body relationship will continue to unfold through the rest of your life.

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