Sense of Self Archives - Relationship & Sexuality Counselling Specialists

Reclaiming Your Feminine Power- For Men too!

July 28, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Fleeing flat, stressed, tired or merely uninspired?

You may be lacking in your feminine power…

Here we show you why and how it can work for you… Feminine Power in Tantra is freedom

Please note, this article on feminine power is not just for women, men who are also wanting to lift their burdens of stress, disillusion, lack of inspiration and level of fun and fulfilment in your lives read on…it’s not about being more feminine, just more whole…

In my recent Power of Yoni workshop, I was once again blown away by how truly amazing women, and their bodies can be. In this 4 ½ day weekend we spend a lot of time reconnecting with our bodies, our feelings, our self-awareness, our sensual and sexual selves and the innate power of who we are as women and the results are stunning! There is a radiant beauty about feminine power- a woman loving, trusting and connecting with herself and her body that cannot be recreated by any amount of makeup or photoshopping. The women themselves were also surprised by just who they are when they give themselves permission, to step out of their fears, limitations and their social conditioning.

No longer a place?

So often in today’s world it can seem like there is no place for the traditional values of the feminine but I can affirm they are as attractive as ever. And our sexuality is such a vital part of woman. Not merely through the act of sex but in her aliveness, her creativity, spontaneity, beauty and even her wildness. A woman owning her sexual self reeks juiciness and power in her own unique way- whether this is soft and loving, exuberant and fun, open and giving, wanton and abandoned or intuitive and wise. These are all part of the feminine gifts. Breathe

What does your own conditioning bring to mind when you think of feminine qualities? We’re definitely not talking about the good little woman at home here, aka The Stepford Wife, with no power, voice or substance of her own but someone quite different. The feminine in its essence is not afraid to speak straight, be seen and heard. She doesn’t allow fears of being abandoned or alone to prevent her from speaking up for herself and others as she knows she will always be in connection with herself and be able to renew connection with others. She doesn’t resort to playing games of covertness and manipulation because she is not afraid to be seen and to manifest what she needs. She gives of herself but not at the expense of herself. She is compassionate and loves nurturing others, giving the same to herself.

Now is the time…

suicide thinking There has never been a time when the gifts of the feminine are more needed. Western women are currently experiencing adrenal fatigue and emotional burnout in record numbers. As we rush constantly forward into more, bigger, better, harder and more competitive, even war like it can be easy to lose touch with our softness, openness, trust, vulnerability, radiant beauty and joyful sexual magnetism. We can even begin to regard these qualities as weak, or less than the external power of the intellect, achievement and outward success.

Power Within

We try to gain our power from our woundedness, resulting in a never ending war with men, treating them and therefore ourselves with disrespect and disdain leaving us wondering where all the good men have gone. When we claim the strength and beauty of our hearts instead of overly protecting them the good men will show up! Perhaps not in the Hollywood perfection our ego’s might desire but in a realness and loving that will be more than you can dream of. Empowering Sexuality

This may sound pretty full on but I can assure you, there is little more powerful than a room full of women discovering these very parts of themselves. It’s a power that would have many externally driven folk running for cover. This power isn’t about power over anyone else, it is power within ourselves. We find this power by connecting with our inner selves. Not in some mystical woo woo way but in a concrete, step by step process. It’s a process more and more women are recognizing is necessary for them to survive and thrive in our busy, controlling, achieving worlds.

This power is not about the pushing yourself to go further, be better, try harder ethos we are burning ourselves out through, but a gentler, wiser process of awareness, nurture and awakening. Where we stop making ourselves wrong- women don’t need anyone else to make us wrong we’re so good at it ourselves!

Coming home to ourselves is finding our power

When we take the time to connect with ourselves it is like coming home to who we really are- a body, heart, soul and spirit as well as an intellectual mind. We come away feeling relaxed, nurtured, more open and authentic, even playful, not to mention Experience healing through Grace sensual and magnetic, more easily attracting our desires to us rather than having to strive for them. We find our inner magic, our spirituality that lives directly in our bodies, as surprising as this may sound. We also find ourselves more confident, assertive, dynamic, creative, sexy and spontaneous. And guys, which ones amongst you would not like to find more of this in your lives, for these qualities live inside you as well? Not just in a woman but also in your hard working, over taxed and straight jacketed selves?

So how do we connect with ourselves and our bodies and find these gifts?
So we’ll have more of ourselves to share with the world…

Practice acknowledging your perfect imperfection. Say to yourself daily “I am whole, desiring and desirable.” Even if you feel fat, ugly, powerless and worthless do it anyway. See your resistance come up and just let it go, don’t be willing to play into its game any longer. Just be ok with who you are. Doing this daily for 6 weeks has been shown to increase our overall self-esteem. The more you believe this the more you will readily seek to change the areas in you that are not working the way you would like them to. From a desire to discover more of you rather than a need to fix yourself.
Take some time for yourself to connect, to be IN your body as we need to balance the amount of time we spend in our intellect and come back to it renewed. Yes, I know this is not easy but just 10-20 minutes a day will make a difference. Time to say YES to yourself without needing to be there for others. In your 10-20 mins sit somewhere comfortably (preferably in your special place if you can create one, even if it’s just draping a special fabric over your chair, cushion or yourself). Stop, breathe deeply, exhaling out through your mouth and simply noticing your thoughts and letting them go. Not trying to avoid thinking, as this is the way to madness, just noticing them and letting them go. Becoming aware of your body and then what you’re feeling within it. Just allowing whatever you find to be there. If you find discomfort, make this ok and see if it changes with acceptance. Accepting our feelings is paramount to accepting ourselves.
Listen to your body’s messages. Notice when you are feeling hungry, thirsty, tired, sore etc and DO something about it. We are so good at pushing ourselves sometimes we’ll even put off going for a pee for hours! Our bodies are smart, they know what they need it’s up to us to listen, for the more we listen to them the more our bodies will give back to us in wellness and ease. This is especially true in taking breaks. Take a break not only when your boss says you can or the clock strikes 10am, take one whenever your body tells you to. Even just going for a walk around the office or the street, standing up and doing some stretches. If you’re at home put on some music and have a dance or put your barefeet on the grass. Our creativity stops if we push ourselves past our limits: the best thing you can do is take a short break and let your motivation and creativity flow again. Even workplaces like Google encourage this.
Connect to your heart. Literally take your awareness to your heart and notice what it is feeling. Breathe life into it. Again accept and allow what you find. Let its love radiate literally inside you, filling yourself up rather than forcing yourself to always give it out to others. Ask your heart a question, something about yourself or life you would like to know and listen quietly for the answer. Our hearts are infinitely wise and just waiting for us to listen.
Give yourself more rest. Women are cyclical beings and like the moon and the seasons we have periods of productivity eg. spring/summer and full moons. We also have periods of regenerative rest like winter and the dark moon. Just because we now have artificial light doesn’t mean we have to be “on” all the time.
In your moments of giving to, or doing for others be fully present and mindful, fully enjoy the experience of giving from your heart, for if it’s not from your heart it’s not worth doing. Feel the joy of your devotion so you receive whilst you are giving, a complete surrender that makes the hardest task seem like a gift. Then you’ll come back to yourself renewed rather than drained. You’ll also sense when it is enough, for both yourself and them.
Practice setting your boundaries. To conserve your energy and nurture yourself sometimes you might need to say NO here and there, especially if saying no is hard for you. How can you give energy that you don’t have, or that is blocked from resentment? Sometimes we need to say no before we can say a full YES! It is not selfish but being centred in yourself.
Nurture your sensual and sexual energies as these are drivers of your enthusiasm and spontaneity in life. Take a moment to check out these sensual suggestions from our recent blog on “Women Aren’t Losing Interest”. Play with with your pelvic floor muscles, these muscles are drivers of your sexual life force energy. Sit with a rolled up towel between your legs (or you can sit with your heel tucked in there) and practice squeezing and releasing these muscles you use to pee with. Make sure you fully relax them between each squeeze. Inhale as you squeeze, exhale as you release. Imagine you’re squeezing and releasing a big pool of energy that lives in your pelvis.
Become aware of your hips as you walk. Exaggerate the swing from hip to hip. Feel your hips and legs connecting to the ground underneath you as you walk. Breathe. Exaggerate the swing a little more, really get into this part of your body, own your sexual self and it will pay you back in spades. Do it for yourself not anyone else. The more you own your sexual self the more power you will have in feeling its pleasure and attracting the attention you want rather than the attention you don’t.
Don’t get lost in playing the game of goal or orgasm directed sex. There is so much more to enjoy, and so many other feelings and things to experience that one “O”. Not that orgasms are bad (heaven forbid!), it’s just that if they are your only sexual focus you will miss out on so many other experiences that begin more subtly but become equally powerful! Invite your man there with you.

If you would like to experience more of this part of you come along and join me at m next Power of Yoni event Nov 2-6 where we pull all of this together and much more…

Overcontrolling In Bed?

March 9, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Are You Overcontrolling In Bed?

And is it limiting your sex life?

Sexual pleasure is about freedom, expansion and surrendering control. Ultimately it is about moving beyond the control of the mind into the freedom of just being. When it’s not happening for us in sex we can get into the habit of overcontrolling in bed ie. micromanaging our experience. You know, where we’re trying to make it happen by taking long enough, getting rid of our thoughts, holding our body in the right way, getting our lovers to do A-Z in the right order for the right length of time in the right way…we can have a whole ritual of what needs to happen before we think we can go there. The trouble is all of this puts us in the opposite place to where pleasure happens- in our analytical minds judging what is or is not happening. What we’re looking for doesn’t live there. Controlling our lover in this way doesn’t allow them to connect with their own place of freedom either, further limiting the potential of your sexual space.

How to find our freedom from overcontrolling in bed:

Drop using any techniques that are about cranking your pleasure up for the moment.
Go underneath your desire to control and be willing to just feel what is there instead.
Feel what is there without judgment because this allows you to shift out of control.
Give yourself permission to be sexual. As silly as it sounds it works. We can have a whole lot of shame that keeps our body numb to pleasure and saying YES to this part of ourselves helps us burn it away. Keep saying “I give myself permission to be sexual and love it” until you feel a shift in your body.
You might just feel resistance at first, if you do this is a good thing because it means you’re in the right place. Keep going.
Let yourself feel desire in you, drop needing it to be about your lover. Bring it home to yourself as this is where your power lives.

Have a play with what will help you give yourself permission outside the bedroom as well.

Spend a little time naked at home.
Dance to some highly sexual music until you can embody it in yourself.
Buy a very erotic outfit and wear it in front of your mirror until you can feel yourself embodying inside you what it represents.
Take some risks: try some simple flirting with your lover (or someone else), make eyes at your lover, say sexy things, expose parts of your body for a moment, feel what is happening for you inside yourself as you do so and let it move through you.
Self pleasure in front of a mirror and acknowledge this part of yourself.
Gain control in a healthy way by consciously playing with your breath- short and fast, long and slow, all combinations.
If you want to be in control in sex set it up with your lover and get their permission to do it consciously, playing with your power can help free up where your power lies in shadow.

If you’re a soft, heart open, “spiritual” person and this sounds completely inappropriate or the opposite to what you’re looking for in our experience it isn’t. Sex has a very powerful shadow and to be fully in your heart and expanded into your higher self you need to learn to deal with it. And dealing with it in a healthy way is seeing and owning it. There is also a lot of energy in our sexuality, it’s our life force energy, so the more we consciously access it the more we have to transmute into love and light.

And having a good time whilst you’re doing it!

If you would like to find out more about finding freedom and greater pleasure in the bedroom email or call us on 1800 TANTRA

Core Values: Know Them For Your Relationship

January 3, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Your Core Values are an important part of who you are.

They will be directing your behaviour in your relationship whether you know it or not.

So it’s much better to know and be in the drivers seat of your relationship…

Your core values are the main set of beliefs you carry from your upbringing and your life experience that you believe are important to who you are and the way you live and living them makes you feel good about yourself.

In times of challenge these are the beliefs that you keep coming back to, that are your ‘bottom line’.

Your core values are the ones that stay in place for very long periods of time and tend to endure even when other aspects of your life change.

Other values may change over time but core ones are more stable, more a part of your essential self. They determine your standards, your priorities, and they’re the measures you use to tell if your life is turning out the way you want it to. If you don’t have them, how will you know if you’re acting in your own best interests? How will you know if something feels right? How will you know if something feels wrong? How will you know when you need to step back and take action that may involve opting out? How can you stay you, if you don’t have your core values, the fundamental, absolutely necessary things that help to determine your sense of self and help you feel good and enjoy the good in life? How can you respect yourself if you’re quick to abandon your values to adopt someone else’s?

Partners who share core values find relationship easier to deal with times of difficulty. Few people will give up their core values for another’s, though they can shift over time.

There are no right or wrong core values, only the ones we choose to live by.

A few Examples of Core Values:

I treat others as I would like them to treat me
Complete honesty is best at all times
Money is more important than lifestyle
I believe in always being optimistic
Partners should share everything in relationship
I value having space for myself in relationship
I am monogamous in my relationship
My partner needs to share my political/religious/spiritual beliefs

Core Values Activity

Take the time to write out a list of your core values.
Start with what is most obvious and keeping your mind open work your way through to ones that may surprise you.
If you’re not sure of what they are look at the results of your choices and work your way back to the belief.

What do you believe these values offer you, and your relationship?

How are you going with living your core values? Are there any changes you can make so you are living in a place of integrity with yourself?

Pick a time to share some with your partner. Take the time to show them who you are.
Invite them to do the same.

Feel the increased level of connection, safety and love that can arise from having clarity in your shared values.

If you have differing values, notice how they impact on your relationship.

Best Ever Relationship Tool!

December 6, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

It’s breathing!

You’ve probably never thought about breathing as a relationship tool, but it is a powerful one.

Not to mention all the benefits breathing has to offer you as an individual, apart from the obvious one of keeping you alive!

Breathing In is the first thing we do when we’re born. Woman breastfeeding

Breathing out is the last thing we do before we die.

And the way we breathe in between not only keeps us alive, it has a significant impact on our quality of life in between…

Maybe you’ve noticed how your breath changes depending on how you feel: short and shallow when you’re stressed, deeper and slower when you’re relaxed. Your breath changes when you yawn, sigh, cry or laugh. Not only that but you can change how you feel by actively changing your breath.

We invite you to fall in love with breathing…

This alone will change your relationship! And the exciting thing about quality breathing is that it’s effects are cumulative- the more you do it the quicker and more longer lasting the impact.

From a relationship point of view breathing can:

Awareness of our breathing connects us to ourselves. This is a good thing as the more we’re connected to ourselves the more we have to share with another.
Deep breathing helps us get relaxed, present and grounded, making it easier for us to know what to say and to hear what our significant other is really saying!
Help move emotions through our bodies, avoiding stuckness and mental drama. The more we breathe the more we feel, release and shift.
Increase access to our intuitive wisdom and our heart’s truth as well as bring mental clarity.
Accelerated breathing increases our sexual pleasure, deep slow breathing spreads it through our bodies, producing altered states and even spiritual experiences!

Research shows that breathing does a lot more too!

Amongst other things breathing:

Decreases stress and promotes relaxation
Helps to decrease anxiety and depression
Increases happiness and optimism
Increases self awareness
Improves focus and concentration
Improves sleep
Strengthens our ability to regulate our emotions
Improves symptoms of trauma
Reduces impulsivity, cravings and addictions
Decreases stress and regulates our body’s level of cortisol, the stress hormone
Strengthens our immunity by altering the genes responsible for them
Reduces pain and activation of the pain centres in the brain
Improves digestion
Oxygenates muscles for better function
Detoxifies and releases toxins, removes carbon dioxide from the blood, replacing it with oxygen

Someone who is less stressed and depressed, more aware, happier, thinks clearer, sleeps well, regulates their emotions, isn’t ruled by addictions, stress or pain with a healthy tummy and fitter body would be much easier to be in relationship with, don’t you agree?

So take a pause and breathe…

Breathing mindfully can also help your relationship by helping you become less reactive. Can you imagine if instead of saying something mean, you were able to mentally step back and chill before talking? Wouldn’t that be nice? If the state of your mind affects the breath the reverse is true as well and here’s how it can help your relationship. The next time you’re arguing with your partner try taking longer, deeper breaths. Notice how that can quickly reduce anger and connect us with ourselves, allow us to look at the situation from a new perspective.

And last but not least breathing is a natural aphrodisiac

It helps us be more present with our lovers and will not only spread your pleasure into a more full bodied experience whilst increasing the intensity of your orgasm and build sexual stamina.

Falling in love with your breath will help you fall deeper and stay in love with your partner, with yourself and with life!

Breathing Activity:

An optimal breath comes by breathing deeply in through your nose into your belly, allowing your belly to fill, expanding up into your chest and exhaling through a slightly open mouth.

Try practicing breathing (mindfully) as often as you can remember.

Put up little notes around the house, at your computer, on your dashboard, in your meditation, when you exercise, getting ready for sleep, helping you wake up, put a breathing reminder app on our phone, anywhere and everywhere…

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Jealousy: facing the green eyed monster

October 21, 2016 By Annette & Graeme 1 Comment

How you can turn jealousy into a gift…

Without pouring acid onto your partner’s car, throwing their belongings into the street or boiling their rabbit!

Jealousy. It’s a common experience in relationships of the romantic variety, whether for a moment or a lifetime. In fact, we

assume it is almost impossible to have one without the other! Many a great book, movie or song is testament to this fact.

In the early stages of relationship, before a deep level of trust has developed, or to spice things up in a flat spot, a little bit of jealousy can be a good thing. A twinge of uneasiness whilst seeing your partner across the room chatting enthusiastically to an attractive member of the opposite sex can instantly create a spurt of desire for them in yourself!

But jealousy over the long term is a gut churning, painful misery, where trust and happiness seem like a distant memory. The truth is this is saying much more about YOU than your partner. Here we look at how jealousy in ourselves can be a tool for learning rather than suffering.

It is said that jealousy only hurts the one creating it, whether there is a basis of truth in the jealousy or not.

Jealousy seems to thrive on the belief that those we’re jealous of are somehow happy, totally fulfilled, even victorious (whether it’s true or not), whilst we’re left alone filled with a seething mass of unendurable, quite visceral and primal emotions. The intensity of these feelings has us constantly focussing on the betraying partner and their ‘accomplice’, often to the exclusion of everything else. Our view of reality, driven by our out of control emotions becomes warped, making revenge seem like a reasonable response.

Although the perceptions that accompany jealousy may be distorted, the pain it gives rise to is real. The neural circuitry that underlies our psychological response to such complex social events as being accepted or rejected is the same circuitry that underlies the simplest physical pains and pleasures.

Here we’re NOT attempting to excuse our partner if they’ve been behaving in an inappropriate manner, see dealing with infidelity) just to understand what we can do with the hurt we’re experiencing.

The problem with jealousy is that it isn’t just one feeling on its own, it’s a combination of several different feelings ranging from anger and even rage to envy and powerlessness. Underlying all of these is usually shame, because our partner seeking someone else leaves us feeling like we’re somehow inadequate in ourselves, leaving us with a crisis of identity. This shame is enhanced when a partner’s affair becomes public knowledge and everyone who knows us (and even some who don’t) has an opinion and often a vicarious enjoyment of seeing others going through their worst nightmare.

Our jealousy can be compounded by guilt if we believe we’ve done something to somehow ‘deserve’ the other’s behaviour, or by the socially acceptable idea of revenge if we believe we’re the wronged party.

Most of all jealousy feels so extremely uncomfortable we want to get rid of it in any way we can. We do this by wanting our partner to instantly stop doing what it is that makes us jealous, or for what has happened to make us jealous not to have happened. Both these things are outside of our control so here we focus on what we can control.

We do this by breaking jealousy down into its different parts, making it easier to deal with.

Feelings

Rather than ‘thinking’ your feelings and being caught in the merry go round of drama get yourself grounded in your body by feeling your feet on the earth. Breathing helps your body feel safe and you to get more present. Use your mind to scan your body and notice what it is that you’re actually feeling. Allow it to be there, breathe through it. Yes, it can be painful, but accepting it as yours will help you get a handle on it.

Thoughts

Take a look at the thoughts that drive each feeling and see what they’re telling you. See if you can relate to any of the following:

1. Anger

Anger is a feeling of explosive tension and heat in the body, clenched neck & shoulders, with a strong desire to DO something.

Anger related thoughts:

Healthy Anger: “I don’t like this and I want it to change”
Projected anger: “How dare you”, “You’re a bastard/bitch”, “You have no right”
Revenge (aggressive anger): “You hurt me, now I want to hurt you back”
Betrayal: “This is wrong”, “You promised me”
Possessiveness: “She/He is mine and you can’t have them”
Neediness: “I am missing out on my needs being met”

2. Fear

Fear is experienced as butterflies in the solar plexus, a sick churning in the gut, a frozenness with a strong desire to hold on to whatever you can for support.

Fear related thoughts:

Suspicion: “I can’t trust you not to hurt me”
Paranoia: “There is much more going on here than I think/know/am being told”
Envy: “The other is better than me, has something that I don’t” or “I am missing out here”
Insecurity: “I need you, for me to be OK”
Hypervigilance: “To stay in control of myself I must attempt to monitor and control you”
Loss of Control: “I cannot control what is happening”
Powerlessness: “She/He can take you away from me” or “You might leave me”
Abandonment: “I would be lost and could not cope without you”

3. Sadness

Sadness feels like a heaviness in the chest, feeling weighed down, wanting to go inside yourself and have a good cry.

Sadness related thoughts:

Grief: “I have lost something that I loved or that I believed was mine” or “I have lost my fairy tale relationship”

4. Shame:

Numbness feels like a desire to disappear and hide, a not wanting to be seen.

Shame related thoughts:

Self-Invalidation: “This is happening because there is something wrong with me”, “I am not good enough”
Humiliation: “Others will judge me as lacking”

5. Guilt:

Guilt feels like being in an emotional straight jacket.

Guilt related thoughts:

“This is happening because I deserve it in some way”

What you can do about Jealousy:

Understand that your pain is real and that you CAN do something about it other than wish it hadn’t happened/wasn’t happening.

Feeling the real feelings as they exist in your body rather than in the story in your head is a great start. Breathing and feeling through your feelings allows you to become more centred. Your feelings cannot literally hurt you, only what you do with them can. Let your hurt in at least a little bit, and allow it to open your heart. This is the gift of jealousy if we welcome it. Sounds weird but it works.

You’ll find your heart is much, much stronger than you’ve ever imagined if you trust it to care for you.

Once you’ve felt the feelings and reconnected with yourself you can address the underlying issues identified within the feelings.

This is how you take control, by being at choice rather than in reaction in your responses:

Remain connected with yourself and don’t give your power away to your ‘story’. Or to others only too willing to get in on the drama of the situation. Otherwise you’re just abandoning yourself just like your partner has.
Check whether your suspicions real or imagined (don’t get lost in this step).
See your partner’s actions as about them, not you.
See your response as about you, not them.
Give yourself permission to release your anger in a healthy way eg. pounding pillows, dancing wildly or yelling alone in the car.

Ask yourself:

- Is there anything you’re avoiding in yourself by giving jealousy its head?

- Is your partner giving you a not so subtle message that you’ve become emotionally unavailable to to them? Without making yourself responsible for your partner’s behaviour can you own your part in this?

- Are there old, unreleased hurts that are being triggered for healing? Feel them.

- Are you feeling a need to control or possess your partner? Where are you feeling out of control or incomplete in yourself?
- Are you clearly asking for your healthy relationship needs to be met?
- Are you giving yourself permission to have fun and create abundance in your own life?

- If you find yourself envying ‘the other one’ in the affair find the gold in yourself that you’re projecting onto them, turning ‘them’ into a gift for yourself ie. do you see them as more sexual, powerful, free, capable than you? Where can you find these part in yourself?
- Can you go underneath your fear, shame and abandonment and find the part of you that is enough, no matter what?

Talk to your partner:

Own and express your concerns with your partner. Really listen to their response.
Discuss your relationship agreements about acceptable behaviour around others. If you don’t have any, create some.
If your partner is treating you poorly set a healthy boundary for yourself about how you would like to be treated.
If your fears are unfounded own your own jealousy and what strategies you’re putting in place to deal with it. To be jealous is human, to own and deal with it is divine.

To counteract any shame or humiliation find ways to nurture and love yourself, giving yourself the attention you deserve.

If your partner is known to be repeatedly straying outside your relationship and not owning it, or being willing to work with you to heal it it’s different. If you’ve done your own work face the fact that they are unlikely to change and do yourself a favour by moving on. This can be the biggest lesson of all. Otherwise what is this saying about you?

Don’t make jealousy wrong

The vital thing with jealousy is to feel it, and the vulnerability it brings without making it wrong. Take a breath into your jealousy and welcome it in. For if you let it it will open your heart more deeply to parts of yourself you haven’t known before, because jealousy is a powerful heart opener and teacher. See that your jealousy driven stories don’t need to be true.

Know you can be enough in yourself in any circumstances, if you give yourself permission to believe it.

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Instant Beauty: Get it Here!

October 1, 2016 By admin 2 Comments

How Can You Look and Feel More Beautiful?

By Recognizing More of What Lies within You!

After one of our Power of Yoni Workshops a group of participants headed out to a local restaurant to celebrate 4 days of empowering self love, nurturing and discovering pleasure. It so happened the local race meeting was on the same day and the bistro was full of very glammed up ladies who could easily have won “Lady of the Day”. Surprisingly, it was obvious that however glamorous their exteriors were they couldn’t compare with our gorgeous Goddesses who were spilling over with a glow and a vitality from deep within, making them beautiful both inside AND out!

This difference raises the point, what are we actually doing when we simply focus on (or obsess about) our external appearance? Focussing on our outsides rather than accessing and accepting our beauty that comes from within? A beauty that can only enhance the best outfit and beauty routine whilst giving us confidence to burn? I believe what we’re doing is actually abandoning ourselves, or at least abandoning the little girl inside of us that longs for love and acceptance…no matter what age we are…

Read on for ways to connect with our inner beauty and bring our little girl in out of the cold…

Challenges to Looking Good

When it comes to looking good (and loving and approving of ourselves in the process) I‘ve noticed that we as women come up against 4 main challenges:

Every time we look in the mirror we’re holding our own image up against the ones we carry in our minds, of the impossibly perfect (and unreal) body images displayed in almost every advert we see, magazine we pick up, dress shop we look into and movie we watch.

We face a vast array of publications with articles screaming about how we can “improve” ourselves. Treatments including everything from weight loss programs, breast enhancements to genital reductions. Not to mention enough products to cover ourselves from the hair on our head to the toenails on our feet. All aimed at telling us we’re less than perfect so we will buy, buy,buy!

A lifetime of conditioning telling us how we “should” be, what rules we need to follow and what good girls do and bad girls don’t do in order to be approved of, accepted and loved that doesn’t leave us now matter how old we are, unless we let it go.

And finally there is the shadow in our sisterhood, which receives unending satisfaction from us putting ourselves, or our potential female competition down, and giving us the sympathy vote in return for our “insult-athons” on our bodies.

We Hate Ourselves Too Often

As a result, several surveys report that over 91% of women have regular days of “hating their bodies”. It seems as if when things aren’t going right in our world, if we’re unsatisfied in our relationships or our jobs, if we’re having uncomfortable emotions such as stress, loneliness and boredom we’re more likely to criticize our bodies than deal with what is actually behind our dissatisfaction or negative feelings. So how we perceive we look is based more on how we “feel”, rather than the physical reality of how we “look”. When we perceive ourselves negatively we abandon the little girl inside of us that longs to be loved for who she is…

Have you ever looked into the mirror and judged yourself as looking that supposed worst of all body sins, “really fat”? Only to have something good happen in your life and then catch yourself looking in that very same mirror shortly after thinking you look “pretty fabulous”? Where nothing has changed except your perception?

Even more interestingly, have you noticed how much pleasure you feel when you’re body shaming yourself vs when you’re feeling beautiful and appreciated?

Neuroscience has shown that whatever you focus on shapes your brain. So if you focus on how defective your body looks it actually translates into a numbing down of how it feels. And the opposite is true, if you focus on how wonderful your body is, so it will become!

How to find Instant Beauty:

Make a radical choice to think and do things differently.

You’re as beautiful as you tell yourself you are, so tell yourself you’re beautiful often!
If someone else tells you that you’re beautiful, let it in and say thankyou!
Find one thing to appreciate about what your body can DO each day, taking the focus off just how it looks. Put your full attention on this body part and stroke it for a moment with love, baby!
Notice something you find beautiful about the women around you and tell them. Drop the need to compete and see yourselves simply as a reflection of each other. (You may want to omit the stroking part unless you know each other very well!)
Use beauty products with the mindset of enhancing the beauty that is already there, rather than fixing any problems.
Avoid participating in body shaming conversations, even choose to express something you like about your body instead.
See the abundance of treatments and products as a money making device for those making money from them, not necessarily something that you need.
Dress with the primary aim of expressing and feeling good about yourself rather than trying to fit in with the latest fashion.
Avoid trying to “fix” yourself. Instead, do things for their enjoyment value. Find an exercise that you love and it will be a joy rather than a chore.
See your body as your temple and choose to nurture it by attending to its needs as a good servant would do for its master.
Follow this link and listen to our Self Loving Meditation.
Do 3 pc squeeze and releases (pelvic floor contractions) then take a deep breath, enjoy the feeling. Do this often.
Learn to feel more pleasure and you won’t care how you look because you’ll feel so great! And consequently you’ll look more beautiful as a result of your inner glow…

So if you’re looking for even more ways to get your inner glow on and love yourself from the inside all the way out click here for details of Annette’s upcoming workshop just for women the Power Of Yoni Nov 10-14 2016. Contact her for a chat to see how this workshop might work for you!

Sexual Energy- What is it?

April 12, 2016 By Annette & Graeme 1 Comment

Acknowledgement of what lies at our core- Our Sexual Energy

Sexual Energy is the primal and creative energy of the universe. Everything that is alive has been created by it, animals, plants, humans, even the universe itself by the first big bang, according to Tantric mythology. Even though most of us may cringe at the idea of our parents having sex, this is how we were made too. In fact whilst visiting the fabulous and fun Sex Museum in Amsterdam (highly recommended if you’re in the area) the only thing that bothered Annette were the pornographic images (quite innocent these days) of people with hairdo’s like her mum and dad!

Yet sexual energy is so much more than just our biology.

It is the creative part of us that can create new life in ourselves as well as our offspring. As well as being present in relationship as attraction, arousal and passion, it is equally present in our enthusiasm and passion for interesting projects in work or hobbies. It’s the energy we use to run around the backyard with or care for our children or grandchildren. It is in inspiration for new ideas, it is the energy we feel when we’ve had an uplifting shift in our self awareness. You’ve probably felt it yourself after really satisfying sex, finding yourself with increased enthusiasm and vitality for living. Sexual energy opens us and makes us available for life.

At a physical level sex has multiple benefits from reducing high blood pressure and stress, producing dopamine to build confidence whilst inspiring action, oxytocins to enhance affection and bonding to opoids that produce feelings of happiness and wellbeing. Sex keeps us physically fit, and we keep fit to enjoy better sex. Our pleasure may even boost our immunity and reduce chronic inflammation- the source of many disease processes through the production of Nitric Oxide.

Saying Yes to our Sexual Energy

We promote our sexual or life force energy by how we live as much as what we do in the bedroom. By where we say Yes to it. By eating plenty of fresh foods, breathing deeply, getting regular exercise, seeking things to inspire us, keeping our minds active, our hearts open. By making life affirming choices rather than limiting or life defeating ones. By having life affirming sex than the energy draining kind. By pleasuring yourself to feel alive and loved.

It is a natural human desire to want to feel good, it’s no mistake that the porn and drug industries (legal and illegal) are two of the largest in the world. We have a common human desire to want to Gspot is spiritual awakening connect with something larger than ourselves. Almost every community on earth with some kind of ritual or spiritual practice seeking to access something to call God or Spirit. Even science focuses on it with its desire to explain the unexplainable.

Suppression of our Sexual Energy is life taking

It is unhealthy and a denial of our true nature and comes out of our fear of and social conditioning around its power. Sexual problems generally relate to acting out the suppression and repression of this energy rather than by its healthy expression. Even many psychological problems could be said to be based in the repression of this powerful force.

Sexual energy is natural, powerful and beautiful. It is catalytic in nature in that it arises unseen but felt. It alters the state of that which it arises in ie. we can’t see it or measure it but we can feel and notice its effects. It’s the only way most people feel absolute freedom- in the moment of orgasm where we are free of our everyday ordinary, limited mind. This experience is known as the ‘little death’ of the Ego. In sex there is union of the physical body, the subtle and soul bodies. This happens whether we are aware of it or not, whether we believe in such things or not.

Where is it in your life?

It is not important how often sex a couple has together, there is no magical, numerical formula. It’s the quality of the experience you’re creating that counts. What is also important is that a couple talks about, and make conscious decisions about this powerful part of their relationship.

Equally important is exploring the relationship you have with your own sexual energy. How do you view it? How do you manage it?

Activity: Write down and explore your own thoughts-

How do you feel reading this interpretation of sex?
What are your own beliefs about sex?
Where have they come from?
How well do they serve you today?
Where do you cultivate your own sexual energy? Where do you suppress it?
Do you own it, or give it away?

The more you say Yes to your Sexual Energy the more it will say Yes to you.

It will say Yes in healthy ways if you choose, or it will make its way out in pain and shadow, either way it will not be denied, the choice is up to you.

Change in Relationship

March 25, 2016 By Annette & Graeme 1 Comment

Change and growth is a process, a process of life, especially in relationships..

It is important to understand and trust your own process, because relationships are either growing or dyeing..

Understanding your own process is your pathway to discovering your own sweet spot…

Because, we all want what we want, and we all desire happiness.

Achieving personal happiness and contentment in our lives and relationships is a process that happens over time and does take effort, regardless of how many ‘quick fixes’ we might hear about along the way…

Any change in relationship that will last the distance and achieve sustainability, to deepen into trust takes more than that instant or two.

Most of the time we know this, but there are times where this can be tough to remember, especially in tight places that do happen in long term intimate relationships.

Sometimes immediate change happens and then it seems to disappear…

That new connection you felt, or the new way your partner was treating you, or your own new habit of looking for the best in them seems to have fallen by the wayside. This is not because it wasn’t real or that you or your partner aren’t trying.

It’s because we each have an internal thermostat that regulates our psyche, just like the one in our fridge.

When we open the door and put a whole bunch of fresh food in the motor works overtime to return the fridge to its set temperature.

Your psyche also wants to try and return you to your internal set point because it is ‘familiar’.

It’s important not to think you’ve failed but to understand it takes practice to raise the overall set point in your psyche so that it becomes your new normal.

The Dynamics of Relationship Change

There is a special dynamic of change that happens in relationships.

We’re not talking about small changes here, like finding a new restaurant to try or spending more time together on Saturday’s, but deeper, lasting and life altering change.

Most times this kind of change doesn’t happen in both people at the same time. More often one person will make a shift and the other person will be left to shift (or not) in response.

This is particularly challenging when the one left behind doesn’t understand, agree or support the change that has occurred.

One partner can make an actual behaviour change.

For example, Steve starts to actually share more about what is happening for him emotionally and his partner, Sue realises she now has to drop her familiar complaints about his emotional unavailability and really listen without judgement.

Another example, is Yvonne decides to get healthy, going regularly to the gym, bringing in healthier eating ideas and passing up the extra glasses of wine she used to enjoy with Mark during dinner.

Even though this is a healthy change it has taken away an intimate ritual they used to enjoy. It’s also shown an uncomfortable light on Mark’s less than healthy lifestyle choices that he now has to deal with.

This is the ‘sweet spot’ where our differences challenge us.

Over time couples get used to this dance of change and welcome it, understanding it’s a process and rather than seeing it as an ending know it’s an opportunity to grow in relationship.

Change doesn’t have to be about ultimatum’s

We see this often in our work where one person in the relationship draws a line in the sand for themselves and says “I can’t do this anymore.

I need things to change”, or “I am feeling suffocated in my relationship and this is making me feel resistant to intimacy with you”.

This is a healthy boundary rather than an ultimatum, not a “You must… or I will”.

Ultimatums are an attempt to manipulate your partner to give you what you want.

Instead a healthy boundary is a recognition of where you’re at, that helps yourself and your partner see and feel your situation more clearly.

Such a boundary leaves it up to each person in how to respond. In the example above Mark now has a choice to join Yvonne in her lifestyle changes or re affirm his own choices for himself without disrespecting Yvonne’s by trying to cajole her into an extra glass of wine.

Working together can be about doing your own thing

Even in a relationship where both people recognize things aren’t working and agreeing together to work towards change we find the process isn’t actualized by both people in the same way at the same time.

Most often one person will gain some insight and make a shift, leaving their partner feeling put out of their comfort zone, perhaps digging their heels in trying to force the other to go back to the way things were.

This resistance may be quite unconscious, so it’s important not to blame them for their position.

For example James makes a shift in his lovemaking to where he is more present, able to last longer and access more pleasure in himself. His wife Abbey drops into a place of not feeling good enough when her own blocks to deeper sexual pleasure show up as a result and pulls away from sex.

Abbey requires a period of adjustment as a result of James’ original change. It’s important that James doesn’t shut down in the face of Abbey’s resistance.

After coming to terms with her discomfort, seeing that James is not leaving her behind but is instead inviting her deeper from a place of love she can make a step forward of her own.

Real change isn’t always about instant happiness

As you can see if the changes are real it’s as likely there will be discomfort as much as happiness involved in the process. For every action there is a reaction, and even a negative one is a sign that significant change is happening. Things will usually seem worse, rather than better for a time.

This is where the person making the change needs support to hold their position whilst their partner catches up in their own way.

Margaret, a mother who has always been there for everyone else and now finds herself drained of energy and momentum decides to put herself first and say ‘no’ more often to others and ‘yes’ to herself.

She needs support to stand firm in herself whilst her family gets used to not having their needs attended to in the old, automatic ways and learn new ways of coping.

It can take time for her family to see that the changes are good for Margaret, that she’s happier as a result. When they get this it will spur them on to support her.

Healthy intimacy is where differences bring value.

In the vulnerability of relationship we can want our partners to make the shifts WE want them to make, that in reality suit our needs but ultimately it is healthier for each person to find their own solutions.

It is better because it allows opening up to new things in their fullest expression, rather than contracting or distorting them in any way, bringing surprising new energy into the relationship.

And who are we, to believe that we know better than our partner’s what is best for them? It’s the ultimate form of arrogance!

This doesn’t mean we can’t share our opinion and express our needs but leaving the end decision to them.

Being willing to be in the unknown

Our challenge is to be willing to be in the unknown, without the guarantee of an expected or obvious outcome, to hold the fort while this change occurs and is integrated into the relationship.

For example Neil is stressed and depressed in his career.

Cathy would like him to take Sundays off to play golf when what Neil would really love to do is take some time out to just sit on the couch and discover what is meaningful in life for him outside of the rat race.

This idea could be frightening and challenging for both Neil and for Cathy, financially and emotionally.

Yet if they can agree on how to manage it, and for what time period, the rewards of such introspection can be profound- a return to life and career with renewed vigour and vitality in all areas for Neil, and a happier relationship for Cathy.

What happens when you change and your partner doesn’t?

You’ve done the hard work, given it your best shot and your partner is still resistant.

You feel indignant about their apparent unwillingness to change, justified in your fear of them being able to do so, or just sad and hopeless at the seeming impossibility of it.

It’s important to ask yourself some hard questions here:
– How fully have you really changed? Are you really going there or just tinkering around the edges? Remember real change brings change as a result, positive or negative.
– Real change has a clarity and a solidness that is hard to argue with, can you feel it in you?
– Are you asking your head or your heart? and really knowing and understanding the difference is when real change begins.
– Are you wanting your partner to make a change that suits you, rather than something that is authentic for them, and are they rightly resisting it?
– Are the changes you’ve made bringing you to a greater wholeness, or are they simply in service of gratifying your ego?

Real change in one half of a relationship forces a reaction in the other, even if it is a negative one such as holding more firmly to their position.

So even where only one person is making the choice to change on their own in the relationship, when the change is real their partner will be forced to shift somehow as a result.

A negative response is still positive as it means there is real momentum happening.

Trusting the process of change and hanging in there will allow time for the second partner to see the old behaviours might not be working anymore and where they can choose to step up.

Or perhaps for you to see where your change is leading you astray and you can shift in a different way.

Sometimes it is just fear of change itself that gets in the way

For example Ian discovers a passion for travel and Debbie discovers a desire for helping those in need, a separation that initially feels like a betrayal of the connection in their relationship.

Over time they learned to combine these interests by travelling to both Indonesia and South America, doing some aid work whist they’re there, making their connection stronger and more fulfilling in ways they never previously imagined.

This is where it can be helpful to have a third person outside the relationship, a compassionate friend or counsellor supporting each of you in the process of understanding what is happening.

When we begin to make changes in our relationships we somehow forget about this process and expect results straight away and start interfering in the process.

We CAN experience immediate and exciting changes, for deeper changes to arise and stick takes trust that they’re going to happen, action to see them through and time for them to eventuate.