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Boundaries keep us together…

November 25, 2015 By admin Leave a Comment

Personal Boundaries

Often we think personal boundaries are just about protecting ourselves but they’re actually much more than that. They’re vital to building and sustaining a succulent relationship.

Personal boundaries have several purposes:

They ARE tools for protecting our essential Self. It’s where we say ‘No’ in life.
They help us see ourselves, where we stretch and grow
They show other people who we are, rather than who we ‘should’ be.
Our boundaries are the way we teach others how we wish to be treated.
Setting boundaries helps us feel safe and respected enough to fully engage in relationship rather than pull away from it.

Our personal boundaries, just like everyone else’s, are particularly unique to us, as a result of our individual personality and our life experiences. Because boundaries are so personal we don’t need to justify or defend them to anyone else, as we’re just maintaining your essential Self. Our boundaries are about us, so it is up to us to maintain them, knowing that each time we do so we love ourselves, and those around us.

Getting clear on boundaries is a healthy and normal part of relating.

Reasons why we can have difficulties with boundaries are:

Not being present or connected to our feeling bodies enough to ‘sense’ our boundaries, or another’s
a lack of understanding and/or practice
a lack of role modelling
having our boundaries regularly crossed at an early age eg. by a smothering, over caring parent, an immature parent who required their emotional needs to be met by the child, children parented in an ambivalent attachment style, being emotionally abandoned or having experienced some form of sexual abuse makes it hard to know we have any.
People who have difficulty with their own boundaries will unconsciously have difficulty in seeing and respecting the boundaries of others
We will experience boundary crosses as adults but our childhood experiences remain primary, as our bodies remember and drive our future behaviour, unless we bring it to our awareness.

Identifying a boundary is looking for a contraction or a ‘no’ in our body. Sometimes this ‘no’ can be a little whisper and others it can feel like a freight train roaring through us. We have boundaries in all areas of our lives, from saying no to another committee in order to have more rest during our week to saying no to a particular sexual practice that doesn’t feel right for us.

There are two things boundaries are not:

Boundaries are NOT about trying to control our partner’s behaviour:

They’re not about trying to impose our standards of behaviour onto our partner. Attempting to do this is both a manipulation and an invalidation of who our partners are- as we’re saying we need them to be different from who they are for us to love them, and it’s a very unloving thing to do.

So when you’re setting a boundary ask yourself- is this about me or am I making it about them??

Boundaries are not about avoiding relationship:

When we’re setting a boundary it is not to be used to protect yourself from engaging with your partner in order to avoid being uncomfortable. This is simply avoidance with a manipulative label.
For example you can set a boundary around not having a difficult conversation by requesting a delay:
– until you have more time
– feel more rested
– or clearer in yourself etc
Then set a time when you will be willing to. This is saying ‘no’ to look after yourself, but is not a total rejection of your partners desires. Make sure you follow through with the conversation at a later time, rather than forget about or avoid it altogether, which shows respect for both yourself and your partner.

As you can see, boundaries don’t really work unless we’re willing to identify, state and stand up for them. It is through practice that our boundaries become clear to ourselves and to others.

Our boundaries are about us

Remembering too that they’re our boundaries, and whilst it can be challenging at times for us to remain aware of them, think about how much harder it can be for our partners. Our partners have a totally different set of boundaries to ours and they won’t necessarily automatically understand or remember ours. Or vice versa.

However it is important that you review your own boundaries as they can change from time to time, even moment by moment. Relationship will challenge your boundaries more than anything else. For example if your boundary is never going to a football match with your partner could this change if your best friend’s son is playing in the match? Or if sitting on the couch with your partner after dinner rather than in your armchair feels different tonight because of how close you have become with them lately?

What if I offend my partner by saying ‘No’?

When you boundary is a clear ‘no’ for you, without manipulation or avoidance, it is important to look after yourself first and your partner’s response is their business. They may be hurt or pissed off but if you are genuine they will ultimately feel and respect you for it. If they really want the best for you they will support you in setting it. If not, then you have some bigger questions to ask yourself about your relationship.

Playing Hula Hoop!

One habit that can be particularly relevant from people in relationship is that of crossing boundaries by speaking about ‘we’, when we mean ‘me’, or even worse, living through our partner by talking about them all the time to other’s rather than talking about ourselves. Occasionally is ok of course, but don’t make a habit of it. Otherwise you’re missing out on YOU!. Either of these is a fast track to enmeshment and loss of sense of self.

To avoid this relationship trap, when speaking in, or about your relationship imagine yourself and your partner in two separate hula hoops and only speak about what is in your hula hoop. Leave anything about them strictly in theirs.

How to set a boundary:

Once you’ve identified your boundary how do you go about letting the other person know about it?

If it’s a boundary that is already known to you simply connect with it in yourself, look the person in the eye and state your boundary clearly. It’s helpful if you can say no to the idea but not to the person:
eg. No, I can’t have dinner with you this week, but I’d love to catch up next week, is that possible for you? or
No, I can’t have dinner with you but I appreciate you asking.

If it’s a boundary that you find only after it’s been crossed:
– Ask the person were they aware that they …ie. had raised their voice to you with out your agreement?
If not just let them know you would like them to ask next time.
– If it happens again ask them to stop as it is not ok for you.
– If it happens again tell them to stop
– If they don’t, tell them to stop or…find a consequence that will impact but not punish them
eg. Or I will withdraw from this conversation, and come back to it later.

Boundaries can take some training, it’s up to you, and remember there are gifts in it for you too!

Boundary Riding Activities:

Review one or two of your boundaries and ask yourself:
Is it working? If not, are you maintaining it? Is it really a manipulation?
Is this still a boundary for you, or has it become a wall?
Has anything changed from when you first set this boundary?
Is it there to support you or is it limiting you?
Is it still required or have you outgrown it?
If removing it feels like too big a step is there a smaller step you could take?
If setting boundaries of any kind are difficult for you then start small and practice, practice, practice! The benefits will amaze you.
And remember, the more you can say ‘no’ the more joyous your ‘yes’ will be!

For assistance in your boundary riding contact Annette & Graeme for a Skype session today…

Making it easier to see each other

November 5, 2015 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Men and Women ARE different…

Can you relate to the feeling of being totally unseen by your partner? Of having to nag them over and over to do something for you, and even though they say they care, they still don’t do it?

Or having answered them in a way that you think is perfectly clear, only to have your partner go on and on as if you hadn’t even spoken? As if they totally are from Venus whilst you are from Mars?

Men and women ARE different in many ways. Even though modern thinkers are trying to homogenise us and treat us all as equal. But being equal is very different to being the same.

This is especially true when it comes to our difficulties in communicating with each other.

What lies behind these communication difficulties is not so much what we’re saying, but the misleading perceptions we have of each other that drive the way we hear each other.

For example:

Often as women, we believe that a man should be “more feminine”, more sensitive and wordy in communicating, so that we can feel understood. We judge him as wrong or inadequate when he isn’t.

Men too can harbour the belief that a woman would be better off being “more masculine”, more straightforward and direct, making them easier to communicate with. They judge women as wrong, or too emotional when they’re indirect as it makes men uncomfortable.

We see each other through our own filters rather than seeing and appreciating our differences.

Simply not understanding these differences in perception can leave us feeling unheard, uncared about, disrespected and unloved. It creates polarisation, causing unhelpful behaviours that result in men and women growing apart when they communicate, rather than brining them the closeness they BOTH long for.

There is more to be gained in understanding and celebrating our differences as men and women. Rather than trying to minimize or neglect our uniqueness, particularly if we do so from a place of defensiveness, fuelled by misunderstanding and ignorance.

Domestic violence is not a gender issue

The current debate around domestic violence is an example of this polarisation. This hugely important debate is unfortunately degenerating into a gender issue. One which is mostly driven by knee jerking, but well meaning politicians and women’s leaders in their drive for much needed funding. When an issue that impacts both men and women is made out to appear gender specific, it only polarises both genders. This makes clear communication unnecessarily more challenging, and creates communication difficulties that could have otherwise been avoided.

Yes, men and women are obviously different. Some differences are easy to spot, and some are more subtle in how we act, feel, communicate and react to each other. These differences are part of why we’re attracted to each other.

Not understanding creates powerlessness

In any relationship over time, repeated experiences of feeling unheard or unmet through this not seeing each other leaves both partners feeling disconnected, frustrated and powerless. Even hopeless if it goes on long enough.

From our place of hurt we try to get our power back by taking the offensive (actively attacking or withdrawing). This gives us a few moments of powerfulness over the other. However, it leaves the attacked person in protection mode, where it is extremely difficult for them to defend themselves, and to support us (what we are looking for) at the same time. Meaning each protagonist ends up alone and isolated from each other.

Seeking to understand and appreciate our differences gives power to both people, especially when we both step out of playing games of protection or manipulation, and step into empowering each other.

The thing is that either we’re BOTH empowered or NEITHER of us truly are. Any games of one upmanship only cause unending frustration and separation.

So how ARE we different?

Here is a little look at how men and women are different in their inherent natures, how these differences impact and what we can do to benefit from them. This list is extensive, yet by no means exhaustive.

Of course, underneath our gender we are all just human.

MAN:

A man is internally motivated and more likely to follow his own path, to be driven by his inner sense of self.
He is largely self reliant and single focussed, accountable for his words and actions.
His singular focus, his cutting through the messy or the unnecessary in order to achieve clarity takes energy.
He sees his needs as having paramount importance because ‘He gets, so He can give’.
He expresses himself through his opinions, actions and achievements, that to him, are vulnerable expressions of his individual self that is seeking to seen and loved. When he talks, he is not simply telling details, he is empowering himself with the energy of his storytelling. That’s why he loves to tell stories, the more outlandish the better.
Man needs woman, for he is fascinated, nurtured, energised and inspired by her beauty, mystery and appreciation of him.
He seeks to do things for her, to me
He loves becoming part of her team in achieving her desired outcomes and feels enlivened by her contentment.
He highly values woman’s independence and though he loves to help, he doesn’t wish to get involved in her ‘issues’, for he sees these as draining of his precious life energy and having no obvious solution.
He may not see woman’s nurturing of him, as he forgets himself in his warrior like pursuit of his goals.
When his own offerings are unheard or rejected by his woman, he will feel unworthy and a failure. Asking a man to provide you with what you know he cannot is particularly cruel for him.

WOMAN:

A woman is externally motivated and responds more automatically to others needs and preferences than to her own.
She will seek her sense of self through connection with others, supporting and enhancing herself through helping them, though she does not seek ultimate responsibility for herself.
Her magic is in her vulnerability, her receptiveness and her ability to give of herself.
Nurturing, companionship, listening, sharing, playfulness, spontaneity, trust and appreciation are some of her many gifts.
She is also fullness, beauty, radiance, beingness and love.
She fills herself by receiving from nature, creativity and pleasure.
She is happy in the moment and in the messiness of life.
Her focus is more on the details and the process, rather than the outcome. She will not understand that this is the opposite to a man and will drain both herself, and him, by nagging him into attending to them.
She seeks agreement and commonality and without it feels disconnected, anxious and distant.
Without connection with another she can feel a loss of connection with herself.
Woman needs man to love, protect, provide for, cherish and ravish her. Even though she is much more able to do these things for herself these days, she is still enlivened by his appreciation, his providing for and love of her.
She believes that if a man doesn’t see all her efforts to please and care for him and respond in kind as a woman would, he is a selfish bastard, leaving her exhausted and filled with resentment and bitterness.

When a man is unseen by woman:

He is left powerless in the face of her protection and it brings out the opposite of his true nature. He will seek distance instead of intimacy (what she least wants). He may choose to compete with her rather than cherish her. He may anticipate with suspicion rather than trust. Instead of natural respect he might treat her with disdain.

His response to a woman’s weapons is one of shock, dismay, disbelief and a loss of his power, resulting in fury and rage. As he begins to relate from a place of fear rather than of love he will seek to objectify her rather than feel her, as to feel in this would be too dangerous. His rage has little place to go, as even in his pain, his desire to protect rather than retaliate is strong. He will often (though not always) choose to shut down instead. From his own place of disempowerment he can resort to same weapons as the woman uses. Any acts of physical violence are purely his last resort.

When a woman is unseen by man:

When she has given her all and is left unseen, a woman will understandably seek to protect herself from further hurt. This is the opposite of her true receptive nature. She will do protect herself consciously, or unconsciously, by covertly attempting to take away her man’s power, the only obvious step for the disempowered.

Her weapons are withholding her appreciation, her admiration, her trust and of course, her sex. She can also criticise, interrupt, complain about or ignore him. She might compare him unfavourably with others, show disinterest in or demean his ideas, his earning ability or smothering him with ‘Mother Knows Best’. She can also withhold her joy, radiance and beauty (a vital source of energy for him). Her emotionally abusive weapons are more socially acceptable than physical violence (though occasionally she can resort to this as well), but they’re nonetheless devastating to her man.

Turning the tables and seeing each other more clearly:

Instead of playing these games of hurt and protection, men and women can choose to be proactive and minimise the hurt by the following:

Man can:

Remember that woman’s beauty and radiance is enhanced by his appreciation and compliments, giving them regularly.
Choose to drop his need to self protect and call his woman on her defences from a place of clarity and love, rather than anger. His anger will dissipate and he will feel reconnected with himself and his innate loving power.
Recognise that he is enough in himself and let go of his ego need to be “right”
Understand that sometimes his desire to “fix” things doesn’t work for a woman, unless it involves a leaky tap or unblocking the vacuum cleaner
Understand that simply listening with presence and allowing her intensity to run, then subside naturally, is a deeply loving space for him to hold for her
Know that even though his role in relationship may no longer be that of protector and provider in the traditional way, his heart and his passion are still what she seeks.
See the sheer beauty and humour in their differences with laughter, for laughter is a great intensity shifter.

Woman can:

Choose to drop her weapons and instead truly revel in her own inner power, beauty and radiance so man can again love, appreciate and care for her.
Nurture herself through her own gifts, coming to him empowered rather than trying to get something from him.
Rather than over giving of herself, clearly asking him for help from a place of self worth.
Remembering he is goal, rather than task driven by letting him know what outcome his help will create for her, and asking what he needs to help her achieve it. Giving her appreciation afterwards.
Be open to receiving, an opinion, a compliment, a gift, or man’s love. In her receptivity he feels inspired to give.
Be able to listen to him without needing to interrupt, judge or justify herself and he will feel accepted by her and his heart will open in return. (This doesn’t mean he can’t appreciate an occasional good argument and feel her in her intensity).
When she ask for things, disagrees with him, or talks with him, to do so from her place of love where he will more likely hear her.

Underneath we are all just looking for love, and to give love.

As you can see, this is a large and complex topic, but having some simple understandings can allow huge shifts to happen in your relationship with the ‘opposite’ sex.

Remembering that underneath our defences we are all just looking for love and acceptance in one way or another, and in that we are definitely both equal AND the same.

For those of you seeking more on this intriguing subject see the wonderful work by Alison Armstrong on which some of this article is based.

And for those who would like to explore this in more detail in their own relationships contact Oztantra for a Skype session here

Thinking vs Feeling

October 20, 2015 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Understanding this relationship will change your life!

When we first start to look at ourselves and become more aware of what is happening inside of us it can feel a bit like a journey into madness. This journey is necessary in order to become more whole in ourselves. When we shine the torch light inside of us it is vital to learn the skills for navigating what we discover- the unlimited cornucopia of our stories and the inevitable discomfort of our feelings.

This is the way to satisfying intimate relationship and unlimited sexual pleasure! For the degree with which we are intimate with ourselves is the degree to which we can be intimate and in pleasure with another.

Most of us try to think our feelings

Though this is what most of us try to do, as a way of avoiding the discomfort of actually feeling them. As we become more and more intellectual this becomes more ‘normal’. The problem with this is that it suppresses our authentic connection to ourselves, leaving us more anxious and fear based, more susceptible to mind generated negative thoughts and feelings.

Thinking vs Feeling

The first step is to start taking your awareness from the world around you to the world inside of you and simply notice what is happening- thinking vs feeling.

The second step is to make our feelings OK. If we’re not comfortable in our feelings we judge them as messy, painful and unnecessary. They’re certainly often portrayed that way in our society, whether it’s in emotion fuelled dramas on TV or role modelled by our least favourite ‘over emotional’ relative or co worker. Emotions also get a bad rap from many spiritual philosophies that talk about the need to ‘transcend’ emotions in order to be truly ‘spiritual’. Instead, we suggest accepting them and going through our feelings allows them to feel less like pain and more like aliveness on the way to truth and wholeness.

There are generally two types of feeling paths that people experience (who are often in relationship with each other!):

People with emotional intensity:

If you are someone who has many intense feelings then your journey towards wholeness is starting out fragmented in the intensity and moving toward your centre, where your centre is your rock in the middle of the storm of life. Like the popular poster image of a few years ago with a man appearing at the door of a tiny lighthouse, standing on a foundation no wider than the lighthouse itself in a raging ocean. The man appears without fear, centred and grounded in himself.

This is stepping into a place of control in your feelings is your challenge. Note that I said control ‘IN’ your feelings, rather than control ‘OVER’ them. It sounds illogical yet the experience is one of coming home to yourself, of freedom.

If intense feelings are your normal then your task is to get more present in them so they don’t overwhelm you. To detach your feelings from your story and just feel what is real in your body, by observing your thoughts exactly as they are right now and feeling your feelings as they are in the present moment. Rather than creating more intensity through spiraling thoughts and increasing emotion ie. drama, as this drama becomes like a never ending soap opera with no way out, with you hooked into waiting for the next episode. Taking some slow, deep breaths will help, as taking control of our breath helps us to take control of our feelings.

For when we fully feel any individual feeling it passes and is gone from our body, most often within a few moments, half an hour to an hour at most. If it feels never ending and doesn’t shift, this means you are still not experiencing it fully, and staying in the drama of your thoughts. If this is happening be gentle with yourself and see if you can stop and go more deeply into the feeling- ending your intensity sooner! You will know it has shifted when you feel clear of it.

People with little emotionality:

However if you are someone who has been very intellectual rather than feeling based it can seem chaotic and overwhelming to start feeling (not to mention pointless).

If you are new to feeling your task is to value your feelings and trust that they have a purpose, that they will offer you useful information about yourself. And that from this perspective they will also offer you freedom- for at its deepest point freedom is simply a feeling in your body.

Your practice is recognizing when you are thinking and unaware of your feelings. You do this by pausing and taking your attention inside you and simply noticing. Taking some deeper breaths can help, as the more you breathe the more you feel. You might first notice you are feeling nothing, this is still a feeling!

Remember that to fulfil your deepest desire of feeling connected with another you must first feel this connection with yourself.

Connection is a feeling in itself.

We can’t separate our feelings and decide we want to feel happy, excited, loving or connected etc whilst avoiding feeling sad, scared, hurt or alone.

We either feel or we don’t.

Whilst we may think we can feel happy etc whilst suppressing our so called negative emotions what we actually experience is a mere echo of what is possible. This interestingly also include our feelings of sexual pleasure.

Which means if you want better orgasms you need to start feeling more emotional!

And by feeling emotional we don’t in mean the socially accepted model- that of acting out our emotions all over the place! We mean simply feeling them.

For if you desire intimate relationship, if you want more love, closeness, happiness and even pleasure and excitement in your life then getting into healthy relationship with your feelings is vital because all of these good things are feelings!

One of the main reasons we avoid intimacy, or it goes pear shaped is down to our inability to connect with or be with this part of ourselves. We see this over and over again in the work that we do with couples. We personally know this one from the inside out too, due to the intense nature of our relationship and life changes we’ve called in over the last few years- where our emotional intelligence has been invaluable, the difference between life and death!

Feelings are not good or bad

Emotions such as fear, anger, sadness and feelings like guilt and shame are not the only feelings we’re capable of, they just tend to be the messiest. It doesn’t mean our painful feelings are wrong it just means we need to learn how to deal with them.

Of course we can also experience many other feelings such as happiness, gratitude, openness, joy, peace, ease, love, pleasure etc. Our biggest challenge with these so called ‘positive’ feelings is that we don’t know we have the choice to access them inside ourselves and miss out on them whilst waiting for external circumstances to offer them to us.

We can’t choose to feel some feelings and not others, we either feel or we don’t. We miss out on feeling truly, mindblowingly wonderful by avoiding feeling so called ‘bad’. It’s all just feeling.

Our feelings have a purpose

Emotions are part of our communication and survival systems. In the west they are thought to be created in the oldest part of our Primal brain as part of our survival system, in the east are thought to exist as energy in motion (E-motion) in the body.

A simple way of thinking about feelings in our bodies is to imagine them like water flowing through a hose. When we choose to avoid a feeling we put a kink in the hose, creating a backup of water that eventually leaks out in other areas. The way to unkink the hose is simply to acknowledge and feel the feeling.

Our problem is trying to answer a feeling problem with thinking answers. We do this because we subconsciously believe it keeps us safe and in control. There are times when this is necessary and others when it just gets in the way. We all genuinely want to feel loving and loved in our relationships, and try to do the right thing, so we experience much inner turmoil when we’re triggered into feelings and behaviours that are the opposite of what we want. This inner conundrum, driven by our social conditioning and Egoic fears about emotions, creates confusion, disconnection and shame inside us making it difficult to step further forward into intimacy.

Thoughts and feelings are separate.

Thoughts happen in the mind. Feelings happen in the body.

Feelings are NOT thoughts and you cannot think them.

But they are strongly related to each other-

Thoughts can create feelings: today is Valentines Day and I believe I will receive flowers from my lover therefore I feel happy.

Feelings can also create thoughts: I feel scared as I want to tell my partner I love her. The fear of rejection makes me think she will see me as needy and I will be rejected again.

Triggered feelings from something outside of us: Anger in response to my husband sitting in front of the tv instead of helping me with the kids.

Triggered feelings from inside of us (usually from our past): feeling my girlfriend not being interested in me brings up feelings I experienced with my mother being emotionally unavailable.

WE all have these four kinds of feelings experiences and not knowing how to deal with them keeps us separate from our authentic self and from those around us as we act out, disconnect, pull away or shut down.

Thoughts help us understand whilst staying in control.

Feelings seem like they take us out of control and understanding comes after they have been felt. This sense of being out of control can be greatly lessened by simply choosing to acknowledge, feel, understand, enjoy and resolve our feelings.

Exercises to try:

Practice noticing whether you ‘thinking’ your feelings in your head, or feeling them in your body. If you are thinking them, pause and bring your attention to your body and notice what you are actually feeling, separate from your thoughts.
Practice noticing whether your thoughts are creating your feelings, or your feelings are creating thoughts, and whether your feeling triggers are external or internal. Noticing this will show you what to do about them.

The Duel of Two Truths

September 22, 2015 By admin Leave a Comment

In the duel of two truths what is really going on here?

So often in a relationship we get to a place of ‘I’m right’ so you ‘must be wrong’.

The more we argue the more WE seem SO right and our partners SO wrong.

There is only one way for this scenario to end up from here, with each person in their opposing corners, pistols drawn and one body about to hit the floor.

The real truth of the matter is that we can either be right in our relationships, or we can be happy, but we can’t always both.

And we’ll show you a little trick at the end of this post that will show you being right probably has little to do with the actual truth and more to do with your Ego getting attached.

In the meantime a fabulous relationship skill is to understand that in relationships there is usually more than one truth. It is not simply a case of right and wrong but more often a case of there being many truths.

This is because much of the detail in relationship is subjective, being each individual’s own internal experience rather than just concrete facts. This is where we can get lost on the merry go round of endless, pointless argument trying to be right. Instead of falling into the duel of two truths can you challenge yourself to go a little deeper and see what might be the underlying subjective but equally valid points of view.

Take Annie & Roger for example:

Annie is angry that Roger came home from work too late to look after the children and allow her the time to go out to her book club meeting. On the surface it looks like Roger is in the wrong and Annie is ‘right’.

Looking a little further this couple finds that:
Annie has made the assumption that Roger will know her desire to go out and be home in time without having to remind him (been there?)
Roger is having a busy time at work , feeling snowed under and emotionally closed, unavailable to focus on Annie’s needs (been here?).

Looking even deeper gold is found:
Annie acknowledges her old pattern of not speaking up for her needs and then paying out on Roger for not ‘seeing’ her. Owning this allows her to drop her stance of resentment and her heart re opens.
Roger owns that he has been allowing work to take over his personal space and that he misses the intimacy of his relationship with Annie and the children and wants more of them again.

So this situation ends in a hug instead of a furious argument ending in a cold war that lasts for days. Roger and Annie have been able to hold onto themselves enough to hear each other and end up taking their relationship to a new place of understanding and acceptance.

Annie’s ownership of her pattern gives Roger the space to draw closer to her and his expression of his sadness about missing her draws Annie closer to him.

Understanding another is not about agreement with them. Getting where someone is coming from is about staying open to them, if not to their point of view.

In disagreement it is easy to feel wrong or wronged and ark up or pull away. In this place it is more powerful to hear each other than to try and fix anything. For in hearing each other and seeing the different layers of truth you’ll feel a heart opening and connection arising between the two of you once again.

Humans beings are ultimately logical beings and no matter how incomprehensible another’s behaviour may initially appear to us if we listen and see clearly enough it will always make sense, even if we don’t agree with it. If you can open yourself to hearing where your partner is really coming from, as well as sharing fully of yourself you will find that you can probably both be right and wrong at the same time and it won’t matter. You’ll see it’s just your individual personalities and life experience seeing different sides of the same coin.

You’ll start to see each other more clearly than the issue that divides you. To be heard, seen and validated is one of our most basic human needs and offers much to your relationship.

The softening between you allows new, previously unforeseen ideas, outcomes and possible solutions to arise. This is where seeing the duel of two truths more clearly works for you.

And that little trick we mentioned to see how your Ego might be confusing things?

Try this simple but enlightening game. (Choose a time when you are in a good place with each other):

Decide to argue opposite sides of a point of view.
Have a timer handy (mobile phones are good for this)
The argument needs to be about something totally nonsensical so that neither of you starts with an invested interest in winning or being right eg. should coins have holes in the centre of them or should they be solid.
You have 2 minutes to convince the other person of your argument.
Set your times and GO!
In the two minutes you can see how your Ego works. Does it become somehow adamant that it is right? And the longer you argue the more right you become? Do you get passionate about it and raise your voice, jump up out of your chair to make a point? Does it even feel like a fight to the death?
This is your Ego coming out to play- it wants to be right no matter how illogical the argument might be.
See if you can see it for what it is as once you get this it becomes easier to let go of attachment to being right and become more open to seeing both sides of any argument.

Or do you find the opposite- does your Ego want to collapse and give up at the first sign of challenge? Does this reflect how you are in real life arguments? It may not be that you don’t have a valid point, more that your Ego doesn’t feel strong enough to stand up for itself. Or perhaps your Ego plays it cool, too cool to get invested, finding a way of staying safe and not fully committing to anything?

There is no right or wrong outcome to this game (ha ha!), just an opportunity to learn something about yourself!

And a chance to learn how to stay clear the next time you have a disagreement.

Building Trust in Your Relationship

August 19, 2015 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

For most of us trust is an important, if not the no.1 issue in our relationships.

Here we discuss different ways to invest in and nurture trust including having fun together!

We have a huge emotional investment in our intimate relationships that makes our potential for vulnerability great and trust is something that cannot be taken for granted.

What actually is trust? Trust is the freedom to be ourselves in the relationship without having to constantly guard ourselves against judgement, manipulation, betrayal, deceit, disloyalty or unfaithfulness. Where we can relax in the knowledge that our partner’s have our backs and we have theirs, allowing us to let down our walls and open our hearts. Where we can be vulnerable and be met in that.

A lack of trust in relationship means a high level of insecurity in ourselves and suspicion of the other person creating an acrimonious and destructive atmosphere in the relationship that is doomed to failure if not addressed.

Trust doesn’t just happen, it needs to be nurtured and invested in.

Strategies for building trust in your relationship

Be willing to commit

If one or both people have one foot out the door of a relationship it drains energy from it and prevents you from accessing the power full commitment brings. ‘The moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred.’ Sir Edmund Hilary.

Create a strong relationship container

Talk about what is important to each of you in your relationship, your beliefs, values, needs and desires. Bring them out into the open and let yourselves see each other more clearly. Agree on your core goals.

Be in integrity with yourself and your partner

Say what you mean and mean what you say. Ensure your actions match your words. Be honest and do so with compassion. Don’t have secrets, as this prevents you from fully knowing each other and puts covertness into your relationship space. This doesn’t mean you have your tell partner everything about you, just if it comes up don’t withhold. At this level of investment the risks are high and not following through just doesn’t cut it.

Holding on to yourself

It’s easy for us to get triggered in relationship, in fact it’s normal. The smart thing to do in it is to practice holding on to yourself. By this we mean taking some deep breaths into your body and not flying off into an unconscious reaction. See that what your partner has said is about them rather than you (even if they’re using your name!). Take a moment to connect with your heart and respond from this place of rather than from one of disconnection and you will be surprised at the results.

It’s OK not to be perfect, it’s not OK not to own it

We’re all human and there are going to be times when we can’t or don’t do what we say, or we say things we don’t mean. The vital thing is to follow up and clean up, owning our behaviour and letting our partner know we’ve seen what is happening so they can relax back into connection with us. This is a powerful way of building trust as it connects us with our humanity.

Be willing to trust

We need to trust first in order to be trusted so be willing to go first, to trust unless you learn reasons not to. If you do find something you don’t understand that is creating suspicion get it sorted as soon as possible, don’t let it fester and grow horns.

Check out our own blocks to trust

When we carry a lack of trust inside ourselves it can supersede our ability to love. We can create insecurity and resentment in our partner if we are always questioning their motives or trying to control their behaviour to keep us safe. Especially if we are addicted to getting our power from pointing out where they’ve f..ked up. All this does is push our partner away from us and deny ourselves the love we seek. It’s important to be able to knock our own walls down and be available to trust.

Are you able to trust yourself?

Ultimately trust is about trusting ourselves for the more belief we have in our ability to deal with whatever happens the less control and more openness we’ll have in any given situation. So challenge yourself to build your self reliance skills.

Connect with your heart and body, breathe into yourself and feel what is real for you.
Be willing to self validate rather than look for it from your partner.
Take a risk and show up first, rather than waiting for the other person you can then judge.
Try new things, learn a new hobby, take on a course, change your routine, anything to get yourself out of your comfort zone a little so you can see what you’re capable of.

A word about vulnerability

We usually see vulnerability as a weakness but it isn’t. All vulnerability means is we have the potential to be hurt, it doesn’t mean the vulnerability is actually hurting us. It’s actually our fear of and resistance to the vulnerability that creates the hurt. In fact as strange as it may sound if we can willingly embrace the feeling of vulnerability it is very empowering. Because it takes a high level of connection with ourselves to be able to be consciously vulnerable and open, it actually becomes a place of great strength. Like any skill it takes practice so find little ways to begin being with this feeling where you know you won’t be compromised (like with a trusted friend) and slowly reduce your fear of it as you build your ability. It can change your life!

For more on vulnerability read Brene Brown’s book Daring Greatly- how the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we love, love parent and lead.

Have fun together

Couples who play together stay together! Play isn’t just about having fun it’s also a great trust builder as when you’re playing you’re relaxing and opening doors to part of you that might otherwise stay closed. Expecially when you give yourselves permission to play as a child might, using your creative imaginations. We forget how to do this as adults yet it can bring fresh, new energy to your couples connection. So when you think of play don’t just think of going for dinner, a movie, doing a workout together or trying a new adventure (all good things), instead use your imagination and try eg. having a picnic with your favourite childhood foods, playing hide and seek, body painting, covering each other with oil and having a body slide on a sheet of plastic. Whatever you do, do it from a place of exploration and let yourselves go! This is a great heart opener and trust builder- as having childhood fun as an adult can be a bit vulnerable, but so worth it!

If you like the above suggestions you might like to explore them and more in our upcoming Couples Retreat see here

What if Sex Wasn’t the Problem?

June 3, 2015 By admin Leave a Comment

When a couple is unhappy…

Why is it that couples experiencing relationship discord say that 50-70% of their distress is due to sexual problems whilst contented couples attribute only 15-20% of their happiness to a pleasing sex life? What is it that causes this obvious change in perception?

This difference is because unhappy couples will often focus on sex as the problem simply because this is the place their relationship issues become more evident, whether it is lack of libido or an inability to perform. It also seems like the solution will be simpler ie. a new technique, a little lingerie and some porn. In reality their problems start well outside of the bedroom and are more likely to be due to a lack of emotional intimacy and safety. Science is now proving what is true for babies and children is also true for adults- we have a biological need for emotional connection in order to thrive. This need is either avoided or unseen because the solution appears much harder to come by- dealing with those messy, uncontrollable emotions- yuk!

Hot sex is about the safety to be you…

Sex is about connection and really hot sex is about intimate, emotional connection and the safety for you and your lover to be yourselves- open, real, engaged with each other and gloriously in the moment. Yet we’re bombarded with messages that tell us hot sex is about novelty and excitement with mindblowing orgasm techniques, fantasies, new positions, toys, and maybe even new partners. Yet these solutions are related to our Ego’s need for more and more, an appeasement that lasts only for a time before the itch needs to be scratched once again. The reality is that hot, erotic sex is simpler than this, it just takes the courage and skill to be emotionally intimate, with ourselves as well as with our lovers.

When we’re out of connection with ourselves and each other it can be tempting to put the focus on sex and hope that it will give us the connection we desire and blame it when it goes wrong.
It depends on the way we go about it.

Sex doesn’t work when it’s:

– Physical sex based only on the mechanics-eventually all that rubbing becomes numbing
– Last thing at night sex for stress relief where it’s too hard to find the energy for anything else
– Performance sex that is purely outcome and orgasm rather than intimacy focussed
– Emotionally closed sex where little is felt due to the emotional distance (or fusion) of the lovers
– Unclear sex where there are unresolved issues or hidden agendas limiting both the pleasure and connection
– Sympathy sex where one person is trying to enjoy it whilst the other merely putting up with it
– Poorly communicated sex where no one says what they want/don’t want

It doesn’t work when you’re out of connection with yourself and not acknowledging where you’re really coming from. Take the time to get real and ask yourself if by looking to have sex you are actually seeking to:
– Relieve stress
– Be physically close but avoid intimacy
– Be needed
– Be validated
– Get Love
– Feel something
– Express anger covertly
– Act out or relieve powerlessness or shame
– Get high to avoid real life issues

Understanding yourself is the first step…

Get clear about what you’re actually doing in sex (and it does vary although we can often have a particular theme we focus on) because we unconsciously seek to get many other needs met in sex besides our sexual ones, needs which when hidden actually get in the way of both pleasure and passion. They get in the way as we behave in negative ways in our cover up story that keeps us away from our partner, or them away from us. It’s a normal thing to do so don’t beat yourself up about it. The value is in acknowledging what is happening so it becomes a pathway to sex that works rather than a block. Learn to observe how you behave when you are acting out your hidden agendas and seeing how you could choose differently.

Then sharing with your lover…

To do so requires taking a risk and being vulnerable, being real with yourself, and if you are able and have a strong enough container in your relationship, with your partner. Ironically this vulnerability creates the intimacy and heart connection that underneath our agendas we’re really looking for. We expose our bodies, minds, hearts and souls to each other for a purpose- our biological need for connection. It takes courage to reveal our intimate, emotional selves as this is the part of us that is vulnerable to the pain of shame, of not being wanted, desired or feeling good enough. It takes courage to open up to another when to do so can open up the pain of long held raw spots inside us that hurt as much, if not more than a physical beating. This is the paradox of connection, particularly long term connection- the source of equal pleasure, pain and love.

We see it over and over again in the couples we work with. Rebuild the emotional connection and safety and the passion flows, it doesn’t disappear over time as is commonly thought in long term relationships. We just need the support and the skills to access it. And the first step is acknowledging our intrinsic human need for connection as part of our biological make up rather than a weakness and understanding the ways we go about avoiding it.

If you would like support in creating more connection and safety in your relationship call us on 1800 TANTRA today!

The ABC of Coming Together!

April 6, 2015 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

The ABC of Coming Together

Two people scaling the heights of their sexual pleasure reaching the ultimate peak of togetherness by ‘coming’ at the same time…

That’s not what we’re talking about.

We’re talking about something much more important.

Not the ABC AIRWAY, BREATHING & CIRCULATION resuscitation technique but something equally life sustaining:

ATTENTION, BREATH & CONNECTION- The No. 1 technique to transform your relationship

-The coming together of your mind and body!

Much of the time we walk around disconnected from ourselves only half alive, half available, living in our heads with facts more highly valued over feelings. Our culture supports and validates this way of being. We cram more and more information in our heads from so called experts external to ourselves but what are we actually doing with it?

Living this way we’re disconnected from the reality of our physical form, as well as our feeling and other subtle realms, whether you believe in them or not that help create the magic in life and relationship. It leads us to THINK our feelings rather than authentically FEEL them. Feelings are not facts but they are an important part of our communication and survival systems and literally the juice in life and relationships.

For what are happiness, joy, love, connection, excitement, freedom, peace, pleasure and bliss but feelings??

This disconnection inside of us makes it harder to know who WE are AND how to really connect with another.

This simple ABC practice is about coming into union with YOURSELF.

Pause.
Take your ATTENTION from your thoughts to your body.
Use your mind to notice what you are experiencing- feeling your body sitting, standing or lying, along with any physical sensations of relaxation, tension, heat, cold, tingling etc you can notice.
BREATHE consciously, slightly deeper than normal.

Conscious Breathing connects mind and body.

Scan your body and CONNECT with what is happening inside of it, especially your chest, belly and throat. Notice any more subtle sensations such as heaviness, lightness, tension, butterflies, anxiety, frustration, peace, happiness etc. It can help to place one hand on your belly and the other on your chest. You may also experience nothing, and nothing is still something.
Stay present with this for a few moments, allow whatever is there just to be there exactly as it is with acceptance. This is known as ‘witnessing’ your feelings- keeping your attention on them, breathing into them, experiencing them exactly as they are without suppressing or accelerating them.
If it helps, name the feeling to yourself but avoid going into a story about what the feeling means as this will take you away from it. There is nothing to do here other than dropping into this experience.

Welcome home. This is you coming together experiencing yourself more fully. Centred in yourself. Self aware. Comfortable or not, from this place both life and relationships work.

Usually we don’t notice our bodies until they let us know they are there by some kind of malfunction or pain. If you get familiar with the pain it will no longer control you. If you check in when there is no pain you get to know more of what amazing feelings you’re capable of and strengthen the relationship between you, your body and yourself.

Practice Coming Together Regularly

Whenever you have a moment. The more you say yes to your body the more it will say yes to you.

In the beginning you may need to stop and close your eyes to do this. With practice you can do it with your eyes open (and without using your hands) anywhere, anytime no matter what is happening around you- in a meeting, on a run, having a shower, making love.

Emotions Eek!

For those of you who shy away from the idea of feelings this is not about inviting a melodrama of emotion into your life, rather inviting you closer to reap the true benefits from them.

For those of you who live in a world full of often overwhelming emotions this is not about creating more intensity rather giving you control over the ones you already have, developing some emotional intelligence and win/win successes in your relationship.

The benefits of your ABC practice and your mind/body relationship will continue to unfold through the rest of your life.

The Power of Reverse Polarity

March 18, 2015 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

The Power of Reverse Polarity-
Where Men bring Heart and Women bring Sex into a relationship.

A couple come to see us, they are disconnected and hurting. She is fed up with years of his insensitive attempts at sex and wants something more ‘intimate’ and ‘meaningful’, the way she believes sex ‘should’ be.

He is bored with being told he is ’doing it wrong’ all the time yet still hopefully nudges her in the back with his morning erection.

She is both rightly protecting herself from further hurt and yet is scared and somehow guilty at the emotional distance between them.

He is feeling rejected, shamed and lost, ready to give up.

Most people struggle at this stage, because in the early days of relationship when both sex and love are in abundance, this issue has not yet emerged.

But as the effortlessness of new relationship fades this stereotypical view becomes a limitation, and at its worst it can become a nightmare.

This is because it puts the power of desire in relationship outside of ourselves.

They don’t yet know about reverse polarity.

What they are acting out is a very common relationship scenario- the stereotypical belief about heterosexual relationship that most of us carry- that men want sex and women want love.

In relationship, it is men who bring heart and women who bring sex

And, if in doubt, simply ask your partner what they want from you.

This is Reverse Polarity in Relationship.

If your struggling to grasp this concept, ask your self these 3 simple questions ;

1. What happens when women say “no” to sex ?

2. What do you feel when men close their heart or are disconnected from you ?

3. What is it you desire to feel from your partner ?

The power trap

Where the man is left seeking what a woman controls – sex, for she has the ultimate veto rights to the sex in relationship, if she says no there is not much he can do about it.

And the man has power over what his woman desires-his open hearted intimacy and his love, which can fall away or close down in the post romantic period of courtship, no matter how much she nags him.

Rejection, abandonment and betrayal.

This leaves both susceptible to the deepest wounds of relationship- rejection, abandonment and betrayal.

Rejection of sexual advances, emotional distance or abandonment and a sense of betrayal from being denied what they signed up for.

This dynamic can of course happen the other way around with the woman desiring sex more often and the man feeling isolated, or between same sex couples as the underlying premise is the same but it is strongest in a man-woman relationship as it is the base where the stereotype began.

It is a very painful place to live.

What happens in this place is a version of our previously mentioned couple, with both partners trying to micro manage each other to get their needs met, they’re playing out that old saying where “women fake orgasms and men fake relationships”.

Both are missing out, feeling frustrated, powerless and unhappy. In this dynamic each person wants what the other has and feels incomplete without it.

Their reality is that the other person cannot satisfy this desire, so strong it actually feels like a desperate need, two halves seeking the other to make one whole, then holding them responsible for their needs not being met.

When this dynamic is playing out, both are engaging from their perceived and socially conditioned strengths where men believe they’re all about sex and women believe they’re about love.

This makes it harder for men and women to see each other clearly, inviting negative judgements like men are unfeeling, selfish sex maniacs and women are cold hearted, whinging witholders…

The answer is within

Instead of looking to our partner for resolution of our hurt the solution is in reverse polarity: looking past the obvious and inside of ourselves for what is missing, for it is inside of ourselves that we have both choice and power in what we create.

The irony is that our looking inside ourselves can have our partner magically falling over themselves to offer us what we have so long desired.

This embracing of ourselves confirms that healthy relationship is two whole people sharing their own wholeness with each other.

This is an important dynamic for any relationship and is something that we teach and encourage in all our work.

Our Couples retreat, V.I.P. sessions and Ultimate Couples Getaways create an opportunity for couples to experience and learn this, and is why we have an excellent success rate with our clients, regardless if their stepping back from the edge, or are seeking something deeper with more connection.

So what do we look inside of ourselves for?

Men- Your sexual heart connection

When a man owns and stands up in the power of his open heart and is heart connected in his sex he has become empowered in himself.

He is no longer driven by his sexual desires as they become a conscious choice. He is able to step out of shame and make love, rather than ‘get off”.

He no longer feels the need to ‘play the game’ to get his desires met, he can be his authentic self.

Sexual rejection is less painful because he no longer feels totally invalidated, he remains connected to himself, making it paradoxically less likely. He knows how to go fearlessly and deep into feeling, and into lovemaking, focussing on heart opening pleasure rather than performance.

His depth, clarity and safety will draw his woman close. It may also piss her off as he will be less likely to tolerate her being less than who she is capable of being. He also has an ability to take life head on, no matter what it brings.

Women- Your heart sexual connection

When a woman owns the power of her sexuality and is unafraid to connect it to her heart she becomes empowered in herself.

She is no longer driven by a need for intimacy outside of herself, it becomes a conscious choice. She is then able to step out of neediness and embrace pleasure and connection rather than be limited or controlled by it.

She no longer feels the need to give herself away in order to get her needs met, she can be her authentic self. Emotional abandonment is less painful as she no longer abandons and remains connected to herself in her vulnerability, making it paradoxically less likely.

She knows how to go willingly and joyously into pleasure, focussing on opening her heart to herself rather than getting it from her lover.

Her radiance and empowered surrender will draw her man close. It may also piss him off as she will no longer tolerate less than full presence in him.

She also has an ability to stand up in life and be who she is, no matter what.

We see it over and over in working with couples:

When a man is deeply validated in his heart rather than told he needs to improve his performance he can truly open and step into relationship in a way that is literally beyond words, repeatedly bringing tears to the eye of those experiencing it.

His heart exudes a love that has a tangible power far, far beyond romance and anything commonly seen or expressed about love in our current superficial society.

And in this place when a woman is supported and held in giving herself permission in owning her heart connected sexuality she has a radiance, passion and well being that is a sight to behold and be around.

Where she expresses herself and nurtures both others and herself from a place of abundance and inner contentment rather than a need for love and approval.

We are aware that this idea of reverse polarity will challenge some who have their own idea of relationship, best discussed late at night over a glass of red… and that each relationship will have their own version of this very common power dynamic.

We also strongly believe it is an area worth exploring to discover your own core truth. It involves taking risks in being vulnerable but will also give you an unforgettable taste of what is possible.

Be part of the solution!

Much is being said these days of a quote from the Dalai Lama about the potential power of western women in changing the world.

We believe the world is too complex for the answer to be that simple and see it will take equally open hearted men as well as equally empowered women.

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Personal Boundaries

Personal boundaries have several purposes:

Reasons why we can have difficulties with boundaries are:

There are two things boundaries are not:

Our boundaries are about us

What if I offend my partner by saying ‘No’?

Playing Hula Hoop!

How to set a boundary:

Boundary Riding Activities:

Men and Women ARE different…

For example:

Domestic violence is not a gender issue

Not understanding creates powerlessness

So how ARE we different?

MAN:

WOMAN:

When a man is unseen by woman:

When a woman is unseen by man:

Turning the tables and seeing each other more clearly:

Man can:

Woman can:

Underneath we are all just looking for love, and to give love.

Thinking vs Feeling

People with emotional intensity:

People with little emotionality:

Connection is a feeling in itself.

We either feel or we don’t.

Feelings are not good or bad

Our feelings have a purpose

Exercises to try:

For most of us trust is an important, if not the no.1 issue in our relationships.

Here we discuss different ways to invest in and nurture trust including having fun together!

Strategies for building trust in your relationship

Be willing to commit

Create a strong relationship container

Be in integrity with yourself and your partner

Holding on to yourself

It’s OK not to be perfect, it’s not OK not to own it

Be willing to trust

Check out our own blocks to trust

Are you able to trust yourself?

A word about vulnerability

Have fun together

When a couple is unhappy…

Hot sex is about the safety to be you…

Sex doesn’t work when it’s:

Understanding yourself is the first step…

Then sharing with your lover…

The ABC of Coming Together

-The coming together of your mind and body!

Welcome home. This is you coming together experiencing yourself more fully. Centred in yourself. Self aware. Comfortable or not, from this place both life and relationships work.

Practice Coming Together Regularly

The Power of Reverse Polarity- Where Men bring Heart and Women bring Sex into a relationship.

In relationship, it is men who bring heart and women who bring sex

The power trap

Rejection, abandonment and betrayal.

The answer is within

So what do we look inside of ourselves for?

Men- Your sexual heart connection

Women- Your heart sexual connection

We see it over and over in working with couples:

Be part of the solution!

The Power of Reverse Polarity-
Where Men bring Heart and Women bring Sex into a relationship.