relationships Archives - Page 2 of 6 - Relationship & Sexuality Counselling Specialists

Relationship Healing Experience

October 1, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

This is the story of Mark & Jenny’s relationship healing

Mark & Jenny were a couple who sort of believed they still loved each other.
But their daily reality wasn’t bearing that out.

Read how they moved form disconnection, anger and uncertainty into something new and rewarding.

Their story is one unique version of the many couples who come to us from across Australia and overseas for one of our individually focussed Ultimate Couples Getaways. It’s a story of relationship healing…

This is Mark

Mark was working long hours, successful in his business but paying for it through the stress he carried, stress that lead him to slump down in front of the TV at night, with a ‘leave me alone’ wall emanating from him. Which was better than the nights he had to take his anger out on Jenny by picking a fight with her. He wondered if he might be a bit depressed, but this thought was too hard to deal with so he avoided it. He did worry about his almost non existent libido, but didn’t know what to do about it. Mark felt very much in charge at work but when it came to the bedroom he didn’t have the answers and was scared to look. He dealt with his fear by being angry and keeping Jenny at a distance.

This is Jenny

Jenny was a very loving, passionate woman. She longed for more lovemaking in her relationship but she was scared of Mark’s anger and found it impossible to breach his unavailability. Feeling powerless, she carried a lot of frustration about the lack of passion in her relationship, as well as the lack of intimacy that stemmed from it. So much so that she had a luscious affair a few months ago, that ended when her lover ran away from her emotional intensity. This left Jenny even more angry and now feeling guilty as well. She’d was having therapy that helped her feel more normal and less guilty but left her still burdened with a deeper level of ongoing frustration.

Persistence Pays

Jenny urged Mark to consider coming to counselling with her. He was very resistant to the idea of exposing his vulnerabilities to a complete stranger and kept saying no. Jenny kept looking for an answer. She wanted to feel connected with Mark again and have a real relationship, not just go through the motions and look for real intimacy outside of it. Especially after their youngest son, Trent, left home at the end of the year leaving Mark and Jenny alone in the house.

Eventually Jenny found Oztantra’s Ultimate Couples Getaways and spoke to Annette and Graeme about their approach to relationship counselling. Amazed at even being able to speak to them upfront at no cost, Jenny sensed that here were two people who might have the solution she was desperate for. Otherwise it felt like the end of the road for her in her relationship with Mark. Annette and Graeme got right to the point of where she was at and what she wanted, whilst being relaxed and approachable. Jenny felt hopeful.

Something New

Mark agreed to speak to these guys because he could do it from home with minimal commitment from himself. Somehow, speaking to Annette and Graeme felt more like a conversation than any kind of therapy. Yes, a couple of the ideas they brought up were a bit confronting, but in his gut he knew that there was something in it he could trust.

His gut instinct also told him he could trust these two, especially as they could help him laugh about some of his biggest fears without him even having to mention them.

A Good Start

So Mark and Jenny booked a flight to Byron Bay and spent five days having both a holiday in relaxed and sunny Lennox Head, just 15 minutes south of Byron. They didn’t need a car, everything they wished for was in walking distance from their accommodation, including an abundance of great cafes, succulent fresh fish, daily walks and swims, even a local yoga class.

In a relaxed manner Annette & Graeme met them for a coffee even before the sessions started, just to get further acquainted and comfortable with the process. Mark and Jenny were able to choose the time of their sessions to fit in with their desires, with available follow up at a moment’s notice for no extra cost. It still didn’t feel like therapy.

New Pathways

The next day they had their first session – a total of 3 hrs, that went by very fast. Annette & Graeme were able to present a framework of ideas that showed them they weren’t broken and they weren’t alone. What’s more, they saw that what they’d thought were problems were actually pathways to what they both wanted.

Jenny had her beliefs about her sexuality validated. It wasn’t that she was needy or demanding, more that she was following her body’s intuition about the importance of sex for her as part of her vitality and life force, her very survival. In fact, she had felt like she was dying (or crazy) having to shut it down when sex was unavailable. She learned new ways to nurture her sexuality outside of sex that gave her a new lust for life itself.

Mark learned that whilst his libido might not be what it once was there was a whole new place in sex waiting for him that was as good as, if not better that what had gone before. And a big part of it was about him taking the time to look after himself, to relax and not see sex merely as another job he had to ‘perform’ at when he was exhausted. He found a new way to view sex as revitalizing.

Opening the Floodgates

This helped them begin to feel excited once more about their relationship. They also learned some powerful ways to communicate and feel heard about the things that were most important to them. They found so much to talk about, other than the kids and work, which had been the mainstay of their conversations for many years. Mark and Jenny started to really see each other as unique individuals, rather than a source of pain and suffering which helped them trust one another again. This opened the floodgates of desire.

Going deeper they not only recognized where some of their patterns of behaviour came from, they also learned how to get underneath the stories that kept them trapped and hurting to the love underneath. Building on the newfound love Mark and Jenny learned some simple but amazing lovemaking techniques that increased both their intimacy and pleasure. Jenny felt met by Mark in lovemaking as never before. Mark felt freer and more inspired in sex than he had for a long time. They practiced these in the privacy of their accommodation.

Not only this, but it seemed like both their relationship and themselves had healed at a very deep level that was beyond words. They felt seen, held and met by Annette & Graeme in a subtle and powerful way, connecting them to strengths they’d never dreamed they had. And surprisingly there were many healing laughs along the way.

An Excited Beginning

Mark and Jenny felt like they had found a new beginning and couldn’t wait to get started. To help integrate the new changes at home because it takes more than just a few days to change life long patterns, Annette and Graeme offered a follow up Skype session at home, included in the cost.

Even though the couple worked very hard and faced some very challenging things it felt more like an adventure than therapy, with Annette and Graeme riding side saddle beside them.

If you’re looking for your own relationship adventure contact Graeme and Annette today about an Ultimate Couples Getaway on 1800 TANTRA

Trust between men and women

September 6, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Trust is something that goes hand in hand with love.

In love and the shared pleasure that is part of it we give our trust and believe we will receive it in return…

Over time in relationship, because we’re human, we experience moments of this trust not being lived up to that make it harder to keep offering and believing in it. Feeling and expressing the feelings found within this and freeing ourselves through forgiveness allows us to reopen and trust once more.

Yet trust between men and women has some unique challenges.

We have found there is one area of trust between male and female partners that shows up again and again. This is the challenge for women to trust men in sex and for men to trust women with their feelings. We see them as two sides of the same coin, a fear of being vulnerable in each, made worse by a lack of understanding, skill and empathy.

Women can easily relate to the feeling the feeling of ‘ickyness’ that arises in her when a man she doesn’t want comes on to her sexually. Less understood is that men have a similar response to a woman who demands that he opens up to her emotionally. It is in sex and emotion that men and women most miss each other. We look at why here…

Let’s begin with women trusting men in sex

Women have a place of deep vulnerability in sex because they generally take longer to get to a point of full arousal than do men and it is easy for her to go into a place of being wrong in it. It is a common point of frustration for men who generally step into arousal more quickly and easily.

Because a woman’s sexuality requires her to open both her body and herself up for her pleasure she needs to feel safe in order to do so. Women respond more readily to a sensual full body approach than a man requires for himself. Arousal in women happens mostly in her body, a man’s begins more so in his mind.

In his desire to do a good job man will treat his woman as he would himself, overriding, or not seeing this need for time in her. In not seeing her need for time, in not having the skill to help her, in resentment of ‘waiting’ or fear of not getting it right he will regularly cross this sexual boundary in his woman. He invalidates her deepest need and touches her genitally before she is fully receptive, expecting and agitating her to open and willingly respond.

In doing so he unknowingly avoids his own vulnerability, the vulnerability it takes to be an amazing lover, as this involves getting more present, more fully into his body, feeling more and opening his heart.

In this place women become very good at tolerating getting less than what they need. They get good at giving up asking for it and even better at performing as if they have it, aka the fake orgasm. This causes huge resentment and resistance in her, whether spoken or not. Over time, it’s enough for her to lose interest in sex altogether, or to live on performing in hope that one day he will get it. She is left frustrated in wanting to find her place of wild abandon and/or deep loving in sex. This resentment leads not only to a lack of desire, but to a lack of love and trust in other areas of the relationship.

What can be done to remedy this loss of trust?

Women can learn to trust and surrender into their own bodies, finding pleasure in themselves.
Women can be clear about owning and asking for their needs of time to be met.
Men can understand that taking time and an all over body approach is not a woman being ‘high maintenance’, it’s her being who she is. Respecting and meeting this part of her will ensure she is interested in, and available for lovemaking for many years to come.
Men can learn to touch their lovers without agenda, from a place of relaxation and connection rather than wanting them to perform. Allowing rather than forcing things to happen.
Men can learn to approach their lover from her outside moving to her centre, in her body, her breasts and her genitals.
Men can learn to get more connected with their own sexual selves, taking the time to go deeper into their bodies, hearts and pleasure.

Secondly, we look at men trusting women with their hearts.

A man’s place of deep vulnerability is his heart and his feelings, because it is generally more difficult and takes longer for him to reveal his feelings than it does for a woman. This leaves woman frustrated at man’s lack of emotional openness and her need for intimacy going unmet.

Because of his conditioning away from his feelings, as well as the rapidity and depth of feeling he’s capable of when he really does go there, man requires a place of safety to open up emotionally. Because woman believes she has the emotional high ground in feeling matters, and finds the language of feeling easy she cannot understand his resistance to feeling and judges him negatively for it. This leads to her cross his emotional boundary by demanding that he emotionally ‘open up’ to her when she wants it, rather than when he is ready. Or it can lead her to miss him in his vulnerability as it is so unexpected. This makes man even more hesitant to reveal himself.

Woman has been taught that vulnerability is about exposing or opening herself up to another person, or to something outside of herself. It is emotionally risky because We call this vulnerability without. It is emotionally risky because she is making herself vulnerable to betrayal if she is not seen and attack if she is invalidated or overridden. She is usually saying something like “I’m totally open here, I want you to see me, where are you?”

We see that here, even though woman believes she is totally vulnerable in reality she is merely exposed in her pain and suffering of vulnerability without, but her inner walls are still firmly in place. To protect herself in this dangerous place she unknowingly operates behind the wall of her emotional superiority.

From here she either:

Closes down as soon as possible
Becomes desperate for her man to validate or comfort her
She goes into a story to justify her fear and woundedness, whether it is true or not
She is hyper alert to any potential threat in what her partner says or does, seeing it as a threat, whether it is true or not
She goes on the offensive, attacking him to stay safe in herself.

In this place woman avoids her true vulnerability, the vulnerability it takes to be safely intimate at the depth she longs for (we explain this further down), whilst blaming her man for not going there himself. A man will see her woundedness, will feel her walls, and sensing the threat inside them feel unsafe to open up. He’ll withdraw safely into his cave, head out the door or shift into the offensive by attacking her back.

What can be done to remedy this loss of trust?

Man can get grounded in himself and stay centred in the face of woman’s woundedness.
Man can invite woman deeper into her feeling body, not getting caught up in her story.
Woman can own her own lack of true vulnerability and stop making man wrong in his.
Woman can hold onto herself in her emotionality, opening in to herself, into the feelings in her body rather than outwards to him. Feeling the feelings in her body rather the story in her head.
Woman finding this inner vulnerability within herself will see it is a place of strength, going beyond her weakness to where she is fully open, no longer feeling the need to hide or protect herself and totally empowered.
Woman will be less dependent on how her partner chooses to respond to her, allowing him space to show up with an authentic response.

There is a special place a woman will experience if a man does choose to go deep into his vulnerability. She may be triggered into the deep terror that happens for a woman when she perceives a man in his so called ‘weakness’ of vulnerability where he is, unable to be ‘the rock’ she unconsciously still needs him to be. It is another place woman benefits from connecting to her own inner strength to be able to stay grounded.

A word about vulnerability:

In both of the models above each of us is trying to avoid vulnerability and blaming the other for it.

We have been sold a big, fat lie about vulnerability. We’ve been told that it is a scary, dangerous place. However, it is not the actual vulnerability that is scary and dangerous but our lack of understanding in and inability to be with it.

When we make vulnerability ok, choosing to feel it, to feel it in our bodies rather than make up a story about it in our heads, when we allow it, and even welcome it in it becomes a very powerful place. When we understand to go within ourselves and feel, rather than to open out to another and look for something from them.

This is holding on to ourselves, opening in to ourselves, in both sex and in intimacy.

It’s where we surrender to our higher selves, our minds sinking into our heart.

Love and pleasure beyond description is one of the benefits of true vulnerability.

This is a very deep subject, very real but hard to put into words, with some challenging aspects. We encourage you to contact us for further clarification and discussion if you desire. Call 1800 TANTRA or email here

Can Housework Be Foreplay?

August 17, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Well, housework certainly is foreplay if you have a young family!

Ask any tired parent.

Who makes the bed can be indicative of how much action happens in it!

Did you know that one of the most frequent things that couples fight about is still the division of household chores? Even in this age of greater equality, often with both partners working, this little old gem can cause some angst.

It’s important to realise that even if you think of domestic chores as somehow ‘less important’ than the bigger ticket items between you, things like who makes breakfast for the kids or mows the lawns can either be a gigantic energy drain, or a vital and supportive energy source in your relationship.

Housework as a form of communication?

Household chores cannot be avoided, at least not for too long. In fact, they’re part of the way we communicate with each other. We communicate through our approach: by completing our set tasks on time according to a mutually agreed schedule, by offering to take our daughter to gym class whilst our spouse finishes the vacuuming or by resentfully buying extra groceries on the the way home from work after a last minute call from a stressed chef. Are we communicating through willingness, cooperation, resistance or resentment?

A closer examination of how partners collaborate on their household duties, or how they fail to, shows how where we’re at in our underlying issues of gender role expectations, power, respect and intimacy influence in this area. It’s about more than just houework…

Take a look at the bigger picture

Stepping back to take a look at how you’re being in this part of your relationship can help you make different choices rather than live out your unconscious programming with more painful and less effective outcomes.

Have a think about where you’re at in the following areas and get together with your significant other to see where you might make some changes.

You can begin with understanding what constitutes the household chores at your place. Classically we think of cooking, cleaning, emptying the dishwasher, mowing the lawn and putting out the rubbish as household chores but there are many more than these. Things like, transporting children to various activities, shopping for food and clothes, garden maintenance, caring for those in ill health, house maintenance, equipment maintenance, paying bills, managing the household finances, organizing holidays, and buying presents for extended family are just to name a few. We also include monitoring the family’s emotional wellbeing, conflict resolution and organizing for everyone’s personal needs to be met, for example, the making and remembering of appointments and the picking up of pharmacy prescriptions and the dry cleaning.

Letting go of stereotypes

As you’re reading through this list you might be noticing some traditional gender stereotyping for the above roles ie. Women attend to the emotions, men manage the finances, but as we become more diverse in our gender expectations these old assumptions automatically apply no longer.

However, there are some stereotypes that do still occur, with women, even those working, remaining the highest contributors to household tasks, even though men have significantly increased their contributions over the last few years. Women largely continue to feel burdened and overwhelmed at home, often putting their own needs last and ending up micro managing or nagging their spouses for the support they need, rather than taking a more proactive approach. Men continue to have a degree of domestic blindness, resisting the emotional undertones in the nagging and missing out on the benefits of living with a well supported spouse as they head for the computer or the gym in order to decrease the stress of their spouses’ resentment.

What are the benefits of our household chores?

Consider what outcome each chore creates and what life might be like without these out comes and you might have a whole new level of respect for even the most basic of chores. Eg. Task: putting your dirty washing in the basket in the laundry
Outcome: The person doing the washing can put it straight into the washing machine without having to go through the house to find it, saving them significant time and leaving them feeling respected with energy available for other things.
Or you may decide some chores don’t need to be done at all, if they aren’t providing real benefit.

It’s also about our personal styles

It helps to recognize each other’s personal task management styles. Are you an intense micro manager, relaxed and laid back, Mr or Ms efficiency, an intuitive or lateral thinker, someone who instinctively has authority or one who seeks direction? Do you like to plan ahead or prefer to be spontaneous? Are you independent or do you prefer to be part of a team?

Can you find the gifts in your own, and in your partner’s personal style even if it’s the opposite to yours? Can you learn something from each other?

And what kind of management style do you best respond to- being supported, validated, directed, trusted or encouraged?

Is there a communication style that works best for you in regards to household tasks? Directly being asked, being hinted at or being told? Something impersonal eg. a list on the fridge?

Consider how you ask your spouse for what needs to be done? What tone of voice do you use and what is your body language saying? Do you include negative judgements? Are you open to suggestion or are you making a demand?

There are at least 4 different approaches

Think about what kind of approach would work best for you and when? Coordinating together, where you organize and do things together; Collaborating apart, where each person carries out their share at different times and locations, together but separate; Silent Collaboration where both partners work together in the same space without discussion or One partner as ‘Expert’ in which one person was considered an authority in a particular task, either humorously or with respect?

It also helps to recognize what is happening in your working lives. Is work outside the house a stress or a relief from the tasks at home? How much ‘me time’ do you currently require to bring more energy and motivation to the things that must be done at home? Are you at a point in your life where you have more or less to offer?

How to make your household chores a relationship energy builder:

– With a positive mindset (and your sense of humour intact) get together and make a list of what you both consider your necessary household chores.
– Include not just what has to be done but also when and how.
– Don’t argue with your spouse if they include something you consider irrelevant, you’ll get further by validating their reality at this point.
– Make a note of which ones anyone has an ‘expert’ rating in and allocate these tasks to them.
– With the remainder take into consideration the amount of time each person has to offer (including allowing time for personal space which helps each person feel nurtured) and allocate the tasks remaining.
– Take into account your personal task styles when allocating tasks.
– If there are more tasks for one than the other see where you or they could more evenly take on things that you could learn to do, if they’re not something already familiar to you.
– Consider which tasks could be done as a group lot to make them more effective, be done in a different way or done by someone outside the house, or be eliminated altogether.
– If you have children consider which tasks may be appropriate for them to participate in, as many hands make light work, teaches team building and self-efficacy whilst helping build a sense of belonging and self -esteem.
– If lists work for you make a list of who does what chores and when.
– When you notice someone attending to a chore that’s been allotted to them make sure you express your appreciation as appreciation is the best motivator.
– If one of you is taking on a new chore that the other usually does, to inspire more enthusiasm offer only support and encouragement rather than criticism or you’ll soon be back to doing it yourself!
– If you’ve covered the outline above and you still have angst about chore distribution, ask yourself if you have underlying feelings that are not being acknowledged here?

With greater understanding you and your partner will be able to undertake your chores with a lighter heart, leaving more energy for each other and for love!

Relationship Isn’t Just In Your Head!

August 3, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

You can’t do relationships just in your head!

Like it or not intimate relationships involve a lot of feeling and how we manage them is a vital factor in the health of your relationship. In the beginning we’re willing to embrace these feelings as they’re mostly a cocktail of all things wonderful. Even fear seems like nervous anticipation, anger close to passion and needs feel like desire. Over time as we get a bit more real in the relationship (hopefully) we let our warts show and a greater range of feelings come to the surface.

(Annette says she has been told it is a positive sign of intimacy if your beloved allows themselves to fart in your presence) (Not that women fart at all of course!).

Emotional Intelligence

If we lack the emotional intelligence to deal with these feelings as they become more uncomfortable, we judge them as wrong. In order to manage them we focus on our intellect instead of the discomfort, making elaborate mental rationalizations about our feelings, the situation, our partner and/or ourselves because while we are thinking we’re not feeling.

We then choose one of three responses:

We vent our rationalizations and uncomfortable feelings all over our (formerly blameless) significant other. Or we dump them on ourselves making us feel bad, or we simply squash the feelings down inside of us. None of these are a good look.

Obviously if we turn our feelings into a drama and vent our anger, fear, shame etc onto our partners they are likely to get hurt and retreat, or get pissed off back, resulting in the ugly downward spiral of ‘he said/she said/you never and I always’.

Dumping blame might feel good but…

Dumping blame onto ourselves obliterates our self esteem and done often enough, our sense of self worth as well.

The other choice- to not feel at all, may seem nobler but it’s not. The thing about a feeling is that once you’ve created it, it still exists. Squashing down a feeling doesn’t get rid of it, it simply remains in your body, unconsciously fuelling your future thoughts and behaviours.

You might remember a time being surprised at how clearly long forgotten feelings can surface at inappropriate moments, such as when your partner was particularly late home and you were assailed by the hurt of his car accident 10 years before. As you can see not feeling now simply creates more opportunities for it down the track. Science is proving more than ever before that the stress of repressed emotion underlies the development of much physical disease and poor health.

The proactive relationship (and life) step is to practice feeling your feelings, for once you feel and witness a feeling fully it’s gone.

Because we either feel or we don’t.

If we want to feel the ‘good’ things we need to feel everything.

The skill is in learning to do it without escalation into drama, dumping or suppression, unlike this little example:

The way not to do feelings!

Annette can recall some years ago getting into an argument with her (formerly blameless) significant other whilst driving home from the supermarket one night. The venting reached such proportions that he stopped the car and with words something like “I’m not taking any more of this shit!” stormed off home. Annette jumped out of the car and ran around to the driver’s side whilst continuing to vent even more loudly the rightness of her stated position, pointing her finger at his departing back to further make her case. All of a sudden she had the realization that here she was behaving like “those very unconscious people” she had seen and judged in the past for arguing in public. Thanking goodness there was no one else around she continued her spiel a few moments longer but with more perspective and less invective before driving herself home.

This very ugly scene was the result of a deeply triggered emotional pattern and could have been avoided if one or both of us had chosen to practice going within and feeling instead of dumping!

But sometimes no matter how good our skills are we can still fall into being human and just need to forgive ourselves for that and learn from the experience…

Intimacy: What Actually Is It?

May 17, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

What Actually Is Intimacy?

It is a word that brings up desire, fear, hurt or confusion, there are generally no neutral responses to it.

If you look in the dictionary for the meaning of the word intimacy there are many more words given trying to explain it: a ‘close familiarity or friendship’, a cosy and private or relaxed atmosphere or ‘the intimacy between a husband and wife’. It’s a closeness, togetherness, attachment, connection, warmth, affection, warm feelings, love, affinity and understanding. Yet it is even much more than this…

Did you know there are at least 13 different types of intimacy?

The Different Levels of Intimacy:

Intellectual Intimacy–
The sharing of mutual or even opposing ideas in an atmosphere of openness that brings a feeling of mutual appreciation, warmth and enjoyment.
Practical Intimacy-
The sharing of physical tasks that requires co operation and brings a sense of solidarity, of being on the same team working towards a common goal, offering us sense of place and achievement.
Physical Intimacy-
Sharing physical connection between our bodies. This can be as simple as sitting next to each other on the couch, holding hands, lying together with arms holding each other. It can involve active touch or complete stillness. It may or may not include genitals.
Sensual Intimacy-
Sharing our bodies through touch with a desire to experience the sensations as they arise, without any attachment to an outcome, just being in the moment. It may or may not include our genitals.
Sexual Intimacy-
Sharing our thoughts, desires and/or physical bodies, including genitals, usually with the intent to create sexual pleasure, and often though not always, orgasm.
Enmeshed Intimacy-
Where we experience a sense of no separation between ourselves and the other person, their feelings and thoughts become our own and we cease to exist. We need the presence of the other to experience ourselves, similar to what we experienced, if we were lucky, in the first few months of life with our mother in an atmosphere of love and safety and where we all long to go back to. If we weren’t lucky enough to experience it at some level we’re always looking to do so. We can experience this in the early days of a new relationship, when we are so in love and open to each other it feels like there is a blissful sense of no separation. It can feel good to the one who is lost in the other but is generally uncomfortable for the one on the receiving end and is not healthy on a long term basis. As adults we need to move on from this childlike sense of intimacy and find ourselves more fully. We can also be intimately enmeshed with our beliefs, our family, our culture, community and society, unaware of how we give ourselves away to these parts of life.
Isolated Intimacy-
A state where we are in fear of intimacy with ourselves or another. We minimize the amount we feel by focussing on our thoughts, by keeping busy and putting our attention on things outside of our inner reality. We trust rational knowledge and what we can see over the unknown realm of feelings and value being in control over connection with another. If we do feel we mostly feel loneliness.
Personal Intimacy-
Sharing connection with ourselves where we listen to our own thoughts and feel our own bodies and feelings fully. We’re comfortable with our inner reality, our intuitive wisdom as well as our intellectual understandings. We experience a sense of wholeness or completeness in ourselves, separate to yet not apart from everyone or everything else, capable of empathy and compassion without losing ourselves. We start to take ownership of our own beliefs, values and responsibilities rather than remaining in enmeshment with those of others.
Emotional & Heart Connected Intimacy-
Sharing our personal thoughts and feelings about ourselves, about who we each are and what we are experiencing, with empathy and compassion for both ourselves and our partners. The deeper we open our hearts the more fully we experience this kind of intimacy. This is where we start to see behind our masks and take chances of being fully seen in our naked humanity. It’s where we start to get messy, creating the cracks where the light gets in. Up until this stage we’ve been able to keep our cool exterior in place yet now our imperfections need to show. It is these very cracks that create the sense of deeper togetherness, with a feeling of connection and shared experience. Despite our illusions about intimacy this stage is not always pretty as we reveal ourselves and our Shadows come out to play. This is the stage of intimacy we love to hate! It is important to balance this kind of intimacy with intimacy with ourselves to be able to stay grounded in it.Our Hearts have a multitude of talents and is much more powerful than we give it credit for – it is a place of painful feelings, a place for healing our pain as well as a place of rest, love and inner safety. It is where our Ego self meets our Higher or Whole self, so it is both messy and a portal to Spirit.
Energetic Intimacy: This is where we ‘sense’ or perceive where another person is at, beyond what we can logically see. We need to be very present with or aware of ourselves to sense another. We can exchange this through talking about our experience or we can take it a few steps further. Using our minds, breath and energy bodies we can create experiences of intimate energetic exchange and unity with another. Tantra is famous for these kinds of practices.
Soul Intimacy: We experience this most commonly through eye gazing. Trite but true, the eyes really are the windows to our souls- our soul being the human part of us regarded as immaterial. Our eyes allow this inner reality to be glimpsed by another. It is a very vulnerable act to allow another to see us up this close and why you’ll find it is quite a precious gift to share with another. Even if it is just at the supermarket checkout- meeting the sales person directly in the eye with a clear hello or thankyou can make their day. Eye contact is a powerful yet increasingly rare commodity.
Spiritual Intimacy-
A sense of being with another person, or with what we believe to be God or Spirit in a moment of timelessness and boundarylessness, where time and separateness cease to exist.Our sense of ourselves becomes pure awareness and feeling, ‘we’ still exist yet have a oneness with everything that is, including God or Spirit. In this heightened state we have no awareness of anything outside of the present moment, or of any personal needs. Spiritual intimacy is often experienced in sex, eye gazing, meditation, prayer and other religious experiences.
Ego-lessness-
Where we go beyond the boundaries of who we think we are into the experience of being pure bliss and freedom, most commonly experienced through moments of deep heart openness, meditation and orgasm. Westill retain awareness of ourselves in the experience.
No-thingness-
Where we go beyond our sense of having a personal Self and in fact the only way we know we have experienced it is when we come back and understand we’ve been ‘somewhere else’. It has a different quality to the nothingness to sleep and we feel ‘altered’ by the experience.

Each Level of Intimacy is powerful in its own right and one is not better or less than another. In fact they are most powerful in concert with other levels. It is helpful to understand how the different levels interact in our relating with another.

Sharing Intimacy at the level of our Ego self.

Intimacy Levels 1-7 are related to our Ego Self, our personality or who we think we are. This means we can exchange information, stories, laughs, pleasure, love and more from a place where we seek to be comfortable and generally remain in control. Problems are solved at an intellectual level of understanding and negotiation. These levels also contain aspects of the Shadow Self, the part of us that fear, fight, hide, manipulate and all the other delicious ways we can interact without much awareness.

Intimacy Levels 1-7 + 8-9 are the ones related to our Intimate Relationships.

In relating with another we can experience each of these levels of Intimacy, either separately or together. For example we can be connected Intellectually, Physically and Sexually with or without Emotional & Heart Connected Intimacy. We can connect Intellectually and Sexually through sharing a sexual fantasy with no physical connection. We can connect Emotionally and Intellectually without any physical or sexual connection. The more levels we combine the more Intimacy we experience.

When we become more aware and comfortable in Personal Intimacy we can trust ourselves and have the courage to experience Emotional Intimacy with others. Because both the risks AND the level of awareness is higher Emotional Intimacy it can seem scary and painful and we have a tendency to make it and ourselves wrong in it. We’re dancing between the Ego that wants to be in control, protected and safe vs the beginnings of our Whole Self or Higher Self that is comfortable being outside of control, attachment and expectation, finding safety from within. It is here we risk dropping our Ego masks and being seen for who we authentically are without collapsing.

Emotional & Heart Intimacy can be messy, that’s the very nature of it. It’s the crack where the light gets in. In this place it is OK to make mistakes, in fact taking risks and making mistakes is how we learn here rather than from a book. This path seems the most difficult in the beginning and most of us struggle here but once the skills are learned the benefits are profound and every step you take in its direction has rewards. Problems here can be addressed at multidimensional levels. It is a lifetime journey to get comfortable in Personal and Emotional Intimacy. Starting with Personal Intimacy is vital, then gentle and slowly more challenging areas of Emotional and Heart Connected Intimacy because afterall, isn’t sharing with others the biggest part of being human??

The Heart is a place of painful feelings, a place for healing our pain as well as a place of rest, love and inner safety. It is where our Ego self meets our Higher or Whole self, so it is both messy and a portal to Spirit.

Energetic and Soul Intimacy cross the line between human and what lies within our unseen places. We begin experiencing them from our humanness but they can take us beyond it. For example in Energetic Intimacy moving your energies together can bring a feeling of total immersion in each other even without physical contact. In eye gazing you can notice your pattern changing in their facial expressions- becoming a young child or someone ageless, or a feeling on oneness with them.

Intimacy Levels 10-12 are related to Spirit

Experiences of Egolessness are helpful in that they show us we are more than who we think we are and so make it easier to let go of attachment to our personality masks, to our fears and limitations. They are a place to visit for this reason, they’re not somewhere we need to permanently stay. We are here having a human experience and these experiences are tools for the journey rather than the journey itself.

Qualities required to experience more intimacy in your relationship:

Understanding of the process
Beginnings of Personal Intimacy
Courage to practice engaging at different levels
Trust in yourself
A willingness to go first, if you’re the one seeking intimacy
A willingness to be vulnerable and the understanding it is a pathway to connection
Ability to discern appropriate levels of intimacy depending on the given situation
An ability to self validate- to be ok with yourself even if the other person disagrees with you
An ability to self soothe- to feel ok to meet your own needs if the other person is unable to meet you where you are at
Empathy or compassion for the other if they are in a different place to you

Exploration Activity:

Consider which Levels of Intimacy you currently engage in?
Which ones do you value most?
Which would you like to experience more of?
Would you be willing to start exploring intimacy with yourself?
Would you be willing to take small steps into greater Emotional Intimacy, despite its messiness?

If so, begin with these questions:

What happens when your partner gets really close – do you feel happy or uncomfortable?
What happens when they move away- do you feel relief or stressed, even rejected or abandoned?
Were you aware of/comfortable when your parents showed physical affection with each other?
Were you well nurtured and held as a baby?
What was intimacy like when you were growing up?
Did you all sit around the dinner table one big happy family?
Did everyone get a chance to be heard?
Was physical touch encouraged in a healthy way?
Were personal boundaries encouraged and respected?
Did you socialize together or do your own thing?
Were you enmeshed with one or both parents- not allowed to be an individual with your own separate thoughts, feelings, beliefs, opinions, hobbies?
Or were you a surrogate spouse for one of them- bearing the brunt of their emotional needs and finding intimacy a burden?
How comfortable are you in eye contact with another?
Can you receive touch without it needing to be sexual?
Can you engage in emotional intimacy during sex? Do you prefer not to?
Can you engage in purely sensual play without needing it to become sexual?
Is meditation a part of your life? Would you be open to the possibility?
What does the idea of intimacy with God or Spirit bring up for you?

Each of these experiences will determine your ability to be comfortable with intimacy and what kind you now seek.

If you would like support in further exploring the different Levels contact Annette or Graeme here or Ph 1800 TANTRA

Couples Communication: The Dishwasher Syndrome…

May 4, 2016 By Annette & Graeme 2 Comments

Otherwise known as the saga of the dishwasher, the garden tap and the kitty litter…

An exercise in couples communication!

We have all witnessed, or experienced ourselves, the surging intensity of emotion that appears to explode out of nowhere over some insignificant happening.

Such as when your significant other stacks the dishwasher incorrectly- or at least incorrectly as you see it. They then react ‘over emotionally’ (as you see it) to your kindly imparted (many times), extensive (and correct!) dishwasher stacking theories in your attempts to ‘help’.

Or some other similar, major life changing event occurs with matching intensity that if left uncorrected feels like it will stop the sun from rising…

We come across many couples who have their own version of the dishwasher story… such as the garden tap that is left on or switched off too early, or the kitty litter that is, or is not changed appropriately. One of our own versions of this story is the over anxious retreat facilitator stressing about getting everyone on to the bus on time vs the one who wafts about trusting that all will happen perfectly…Here we show what may really be going on under the surface and how to shift it.

About that dishwasher…

If you’re the dishwasher authority, in the interests of proper decorum and being a caring partner, you may decide to say nothing and simply fume inside every time about how it ‘should’ be done. You may choose re pack it yourself (the right way) and be taken aback when your significant other explodes again with what feels like totally unjustified anger towards you. You may decide to give them further advice on how to do it properly with similar results. Or perhaps you just withdraw into a quiet, sulky state of wounded martyrdom…

If you’re the dishwasher ‘criminal’ you find yourself responding with what feels like totally justified anger towards your partner’s behaviour. Finding yourself instantly wounded you get defensive and quickly move into attack, wielding your offensive weapons of shame, blame or criticism at your partner.

From here couples communication quickly descends into a vortex of mutual recrimination, all the while knowing it is pointless but none the less still constrained to go there. In a situation where one person is triggered into emotion the other person can help restore equilibrium. In this scenario, where both of you are triggered it’s much more difficult.

We all have been either the do’er (dishwasher stacker) or the do’ee (dishwasher re stacker), experiencing but not understanding the emotionally intensity that illogically arises on both sides.

The question is Why??

So why does this emotion happen, seemingly coming out of nowhere, usually leaving a trail of confusion, hurt and bewilderment? As with most relationship, family and even work disputes, the catalyst is often something insignificant with an ensuing, and projected intensity that is way out of proportion to the alleged incident. When this happens, people are caught up in their own unique mixture of reactionary emotional responses and a couples communication goes out the window.

These overblown and illogical responses to arguments about inanimate objects like a dishwasher or garden tap, are actually not about the tap or the dishwasher, but something else entirely. Even if your particular trigger is more complex, such as the way your partner talked to a woman at work or the amount of time they spent on the phone with their mother, the out of proportion response is the same.

In this situation understanding comes after the feeling.

That’s why it’s important to deal with the outburst of feeling first rather than with the issue itself.

It’s the underlying feeling that is likely to be driving the outburst in the first place and we can’t discover what this is through attempting to negotiate the behavior. In fact, negotiation takes us further away from potential understanding.

When negotiating in emotional trigger our Egos’ rational brain attaches 90% bullshit to 10% truth, making it impossible to get anywhere worthwhile. It becomes like 6 guys living in a house together attempting to negotiate the cleaning duties. Several totally different versions of the one story start vying for attention leading us around and around in a hell of our own minds…

Instead we can choose to deal with the feeling in the body rather than the words in our brain. This seems counter intuitive because we don’t want to feel the hurt. Yet choosing to connect with the hurt rather than avoid it makes sense as it quickly puts you back in the driver’s seat of yourself.

Owning our stuff!

We can start to do this by simply owning our reality; by saying ‘I’ve been really triggered here, I’ve got no idea why but I am!’ For if you’re the one feeling it, is totally 100% yours, no matter how unpleasant or unjustified it may feel. As we’ve said, it’s most likely has nothing to do with the dish washer, the tap or the kitty litter, your advisor or anyone else.

Simply taking a breath, connecting with your body and asking yourself “What am I feeling?” and owning that “I feel hurt, offended, simply pissed off or whatever, and it’s NOT about you” is a great start. It is acknowledging that this is your feeling and the outside actions are simply a catalyst that has plugged you into your deeper unexpressed emotional self.

Owing our feelings, even if we don’t understand them, takes the heat out of the situation. It stops us from projecting our bullshit stories onto our partners and brings a feeling of reconnection with ourselves. It allows us to start to see more clearly that our Ego’s games of story are not real, even though we may have been totally convinced of it a few moments before. It invites our partner to stop doing the same, as we’re longer ‘in it’ to argue with them. If they still try, we’re more easily able to detach from it and see it for what it really is- a triggered response that will take you nowhere worth going.

The most common response in these circumstances is not to feel and to project our hurt or anger back onto the other, usually with a little more added intensity, just to make sure we get heard…

It seems easier but it isn’t!

It seems easier to project that unpleasant emotional response part of ourselves somewhere else, onto someone or something outside of us, even though our unpleasantness has nothing to do with them or what happened.

Projections are a natural response in defending ourselves when we’re feeling attacked or criticized (whether this is the actual reality or not). We project because of our own unresolved emotional baggage that is being presented to us by someone else. This someone else often doesn’t understand our emotional triggers as they are totally unique to us, as their triggers will be to them.

Once we’ve owned that we’ve been triggered, that it’s our stuff, we’ve connected to our bodies and felt the actual physical feeling that’s there we can then ask ourselves what is the underlying truth that is asking to be acknowledged?

We can support ourselves to get to this truth by staying connected with our bodies and with the feeling, taking a few breaths into the feeling. Breathing into the uncomfortable feeling allows it to move into something more easeful. This connection awakens our intuitive body/mind and brings the deeper truth of our hearts to the surface.

Our body speaks the truth

When we get this truth we feel a ‘shift’ in ourselves, our bodies soften and our minds clear. This truth will have a minimum of words, something like ‘I needed to feel loved or respected or heard’ or ‘I feel unworthy’… If there is not this shift in your body or you’re still attached to defending yourself or being right you’re not there yet, go back to the feeling. The heart doesn’t care about being right, or even getting what it needs just then, it only wants to be listened to.

With awareness, practice and a desire to own your stuff, these triggers are gifts into your deeper emotional self for each of you. It takes couples communication to a whole new level. Once acknowledged your trigger ceases to be a trigger in the same situation- you can laugh where once you were spiraled into suffering. If it is a deep primal need that is not being met in your relationship (showing up as a pattern) you might benefit from finding new ways to meet it.

It’s short term pain for long term gain.

As you can see owning your emotional response creates choices for you in how you respond and the ability to more carefully choose which words to use in your reply. Owning our emotional feelings means we experience what we’re feeling rather than becoming entangled in some game of tit for tat over an inanimate object.

It is challenging to do at first as we literally ‘go unconscious’ when we’re triggered and making a conscious choice is at first impossible. Yet setting an intention to look at your triggers more clearly will help you slowly gain more clarity and control.

Not owning our stuff and continually projecting it out into the world is very uncomfortable for others to be around and a death knell for a relationship (be it with your intimate partner, your family or at work) so do yourself and your loved ones a favour by being willing to feel instead. This personal element is usually what is underneath most relationship issues, family, workplace or other disputes that occur when there is more than one person involved. Being willing to feel is the beginning of freedom from it.

Change in Relationship

March 25, 2016 By Annette & Graeme 1 Comment

Change and growth is a process, a process of life, especially in relationships..

It is important to understand and trust your own process, because relationships are either growing or dyeing..

Understanding your own process is your pathway to discovering your own sweet spot…

Because, we all want what we want, and we all desire happiness.

Achieving personal happiness and contentment in our lives and relationships is a process that happens over time and does take effort, regardless of how many ‘quick fixes’ we might hear about along the way…

Any change in relationship that will last the distance and achieve sustainability, to deepen into trust takes more than that instant or two.

Most of the time we know this, but there are times where this can be tough to remember, especially in tight places that do happen in long term intimate relationships.

Sometimes immediate change happens and then it seems to disappear…

That new connection you felt, or the new way your partner was treating you, or your own new habit of looking for the best in them seems to have fallen by the wayside. This is not because it wasn’t real or that you or your partner aren’t trying.

It’s because we each have an internal thermostat that regulates our psyche, just like the one in our fridge.

When we open the door and put a whole bunch of fresh food in the motor works overtime to return the fridge to its set temperature.

Your psyche also wants to try and return you to your internal set point because it is ‘familiar’.

It’s important not to think you’ve failed but to understand it takes practice to raise the overall set point in your psyche so that it becomes your new normal.

The Dynamics of Relationship Change

There is a special dynamic of change that happens in relationships.

We’re not talking about small changes here, like finding a new restaurant to try or spending more time together on Saturday’s, but deeper, lasting and life altering change.

Most times this kind of change doesn’t happen in both people at the same time. More often one person will make a shift and the other person will be left to shift (or not) in response.

This is particularly challenging when the one left behind doesn’t understand, agree or support the change that has occurred.

One partner can make an actual behaviour change.

For example, Steve starts to actually share more about what is happening for him emotionally and his partner, Sue realises she now has to drop her familiar complaints about his emotional unavailability and really listen without judgement.

Another example, is Yvonne decides to get healthy, going regularly to the gym, bringing in healthier eating ideas and passing up the extra glasses of wine she used to enjoy with Mark during dinner.

Even though this is a healthy change it has taken away an intimate ritual they used to enjoy. It’s also shown an uncomfortable light on Mark’s less than healthy lifestyle choices that he now has to deal with.

This is the ‘sweet spot’ where our differences challenge us.

Over time couples get used to this dance of change and welcome it, understanding it’s a process and rather than seeing it as an ending know it’s an opportunity to grow in relationship.

Change doesn’t have to be about ultimatum’s

We see this often in our work where one person in the relationship draws a line in the sand for themselves and says “I can’t do this anymore.

I need things to change”, or “I am feeling suffocated in my relationship and this is making me feel resistant to intimacy with you”.

This is a healthy boundary rather than an ultimatum, not a “You must… or I will”.

Ultimatums are an attempt to manipulate your partner to give you what you want.

Instead a healthy boundary is a recognition of where you’re at, that helps yourself and your partner see and feel your situation more clearly.

Such a boundary leaves it up to each person in how to respond. In the example above Mark now has a choice to join Yvonne in her lifestyle changes or re affirm his own choices for himself without disrespecting Yvonne’s by trying to cajole her into an extra glass of wine.

Working together can be about doing your own thing

Even in a relationship where both people recognize things aren’t working and agreeing together to work towards change we find the process isn’t actualized by both people in the same way at the same time.

Most often one person will gain some insight and make a shift, leaving their partner feeling put out of their comfort zone, perhaps digging their heels in trying to force the other to go back to the way things were.

This resistance may be quite unconscious, so it’s important not to blame them for their position.

For example James makes a shift in his lovemaking to where he is more present, able to last longer and access more pleasure in himself. His wife Abbey drops into a place of not feeling good enough when her own blocks to deeper sexual pleasure show up as a result and pulls away from sex.

Abbey requires a period of adjustment as a result of James’ original change. It’s important that James doesn’t shut down in the face of Abbey’s resistance.

After coming to terms with her discomfort, seeing that James is not leaving her behind but is instead inviting her deeper from a place of love she can make a step forward of her own.

Real change isn’t always about instant happiness

As you can see if the changes are real it’s as likely there will be discomfort as much as happiness involved in the process. For every action there is a reaction, and even a negative one is a sign that significant change is happening. Things will usually seem worse, rather than better for a time.

This is where the person making the change needs support to hold their position whilst their partner catches up in their own way.

Margaret, a mother who has always been there for everyone else and now finds herself drained of energy and momentum decides to put herself first and say ‘no’ more often to others and ‘yes’ to herself.

She needs support to stand firm in herself whilst her family gets used to not having their needs attended to in the old, automatic ways and learn new ways of coping.

It can take time for her family to see that the changes are good for Margaret, that she’s happier as a result. When they get this it will spur them on to support her.

Healthy intimacy is where differences bring value.

In the vulnerability of relationship we can want our partners to make the shifts WE want them to make, that in reality suit our needs but ultimately it is healthier for each person to find their own solutions.

It is better because it allows opening up to new things in their fullest expression, rather than contracting or distorting them in any way, bringing surprising new energy into the relationship.

And who are we, to believe that we know better than our partner’s what is best for them? It’s the ultimate form of arrogance!

This doesn’t mean we can’t share our opinion and express our needs but leaving the end decision to them.

Being willing to be in the unknown

Our challenge is to be willing to be in the unknown, without the guarantee of an expected or obvious outcome, to hold the fort while this change occurs and is integrated into the relationship.

For example Neil is stressed and depressed in his career.

Cathy would like him to take Sundays off to play golf when what Neil would really love to do is take some time out to just sit on the couch and discover what is meaningful in life for him outside of the rat race.

This idea could be frightening and challenging for both Neil and for Cathy, financially and emotionally.

Yet if they can agree on how to manage it, and for what time period, the rewards of such introspection can be profound- a return to life and career with renewed vigour and vitality in all areas for Neil, and a happier relationship for Cathy.

What happens when you change and your partner doesn’t?

You’ve done the hard work, given it your best shot and your partner is still resistant.

You feel indignant about their apparent unwillingness to change, justified in your fear of them being able to do so, or just sad and hopeless at the seeming impossibility of it.

It’s important to ask yourself some hard questions here:
– How fully have you really changed? Are you really going there or just tinkering around the edges? Remember real change brings change as a result, positive or negative.
– Real change has a clarity and a solidness that is hard to argue with, can you feel it in you?
– Are you asking your head or your heart? and really knowing and understanding the difference is when real change begins.
– Are you wanting your partner to make a change that suits you, rather than something that is authentic for them, and are they rightly resisting it?
– Are the changes you’ve made bringing you to a greater wholeness, or are they simply in service of gratifying your ego?

Real change in one half of a relationship forces a reaction in the other, even if it is a negative one such as holding more firmly to their position.

So even where only one person is making the choice to change on their own in the relationship, when the change is real their partner will be forced to shift somehow as a result.

A negative response is still positive as it means there is real momentum happening.

Trusting the process of change and hanging in there will allow time for the second partner to see the old behaviours might not be working anymore and where they can choose to step up.

Or perhaps for you to see where your change is leading you astray and you can shift in a different way.

Sometimes it is just fear of change itself that gets in the way

For example Ian discovers a passion for travel and Debbie discovers a desire for helping those in need, a separation that initially feels like a betrayal of the connection in their relationship.

Over time they learned to combine these interests by travelling to both Indonesia and South America, doing some aid work whist they’re there, making their connection stronger and more fulfilling in ways they never previously imagined.

This is where it can be helpful to have a third person outside the relationship, a compassionate friend or counsellor supporting each of you in the process of understanding what is happening.

When we begin to make changes in our relationships we somehow forget about this process and expect results straight away and start interfering in the process.

We CAN experience immediate and exciting changes, for deeper changes to arise and stick takes trust that they’re going to happen, action to see them through and time for them to eventuate.

Time to STOP bullsh…ing yourself?

March 18, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Stop for a moment, and take a look around you…

And as you stop for a moment, imagine you’re lifting your head up and out of the rat race and take notice to see if you can actually recognize just how fast life is moving around you.

Merely 100 years ago, the Eiffel Tower was the tallest man made structure…

To put things into perspective, recognize that just one hundred years ago, the Eiffel tower was the tallest man made structure in existence, women were just gaining the right to vote and the average life expectancy (at least in the US) was about 50yrs of age.

Just 50 years ago, the mini skirt emerged (or shrunk…)

And man had just walked on the moon! It’s just 35yrs since the internet was discovered, and look at how much life has changed since then?

If you want even more proof take the time over the coming Easter break to check out some movies made in the 50’s, 60’s or 70’s compared to ones made today.

Apart from the lack of technical quality abundant in today’s films the pace of the older ones feel so much slower. (Note this has nothing to do with the overall value of the movie just their pace).

Was life better or easier or more stable…?

Life wasn’t necessarily better in those days, just more solid, more clearly defined.

We mostly knew who was who and what was what, even if we didn’t like it.

More recently we’re learning to live with worldwide crises in global warming, terrorism and refugee migration along with the collapse in global financial markets.

These powerful shifts are being reflected at personal levels too.

Greater stress levels, relationship challenges, career changes, financial meltdowns, international travel opportunities and the sheer mass of information available.

Information that is beyond comprehension even 25 years ago, at the click of an electronic mouse or tap of the screen on a mobile phone, all presenting choices that are available.

Now, more than ever before in human history has our potential for connection and achievement been greater.

And, these technological and intellectual advances are increasing at an an accelerating rate, but is our ability to manage and integrate all this keeping up?.

How do we cope with this degree of challenge and change and stay sane??

In amongst all this how do we not only sustain but grow our relationships, to keep personal vulnerability and intimacy deepening and nourished?

More than ever before, we’re required to stand up personally or sink beneath the waves.

As individuals, it is becoming crucial to see and believe in more of our wholeness and strengths than our inadequacies and burdens.

So whilst life is changing on the outside it is vital that we shift on the inside as well.

Getting into comfortable relationship with our inner reality is where our resilience, our energy, self belief, sense of connection amongst the disconnection, our inner tranquility and pleasure will come from.

From here we’ll be able to transition into not only a more stress free but a more inspired and meaningful way of being.

From farming to Tantra…

Like the farmer and the nurse who became Tantra teachers (wink wink).

Or the business couple who traded long hours for a more sustainable business model and gained a life.

Or the couple who moved house from a place that no longer felt like it served them to somewhere that breathed new life into them and their relationship.

Or the woman who moved beyond her abusive past and stepped into a place of love and security inside herself…

And the truth is, it helps to go a little bit crazy along the way.

By ‘going crazy’ we mean being willing to be at a place of inner discord, even feeling like we’re falling apart.

Seeing what we used to believe in as maybe not making so much sense any more.

And doing so with our highest possible level of self awareness, so we see it clearly.

And surrendering to the process.

We call it going crazy because most people will tell us we’re crazy to go there, that it’s better to avoid it.

Being in The Void…

Glasses of dirt filled water This is the place Eastern mystics call The Void – where there is a high level of awareness with little external action.

It’s a bit like seeing ourselves as a jar of water with a layer of soil at the bottom that’s been shaken up- all seems chaos, with nothing making sense.

Yet if we stay present enough with ourselves, long enough to see and feel what is really happening, we will also see our life affirming choices appearing through the chaos more clearly.

The soil will settle back into a creative new pattern and the water will become clearer than before.

Being in the Void can be extremely uncomfortable. It can last for a few moments, a few hours, days, even weeks to months but it is crucial to allow ourselves to touch into it.

For this is where we go beyond what we already know into new and unforseen possibilities.

Nowadays we can tolerate a much higher level of inner discord, or stress, than we used to.

Our days can have complications never dreamed of by our grandparents or even our parents and our resources for distracting ourselves from it have grown exponentially.

We also have more ways to ‘appear to’ avoid our stress than ever before.

We can suffer more with less motivation for change.

But the reality is the stress impacts us whether we realize it or not.

Stress can be defined as ‘an overload of mental or emotional strain greater than we can be with or process at the time’.

Life defeating choices that help you numb yourself out to reality:

Blaming the world and everyone in it for your troubles and doing nothing about it.
Pushing down or avoiding your stress through any number of addictions
Having that extra biscuit for morning tea
A bottle of wine at dinner rather than a glass
Staying too long at work
Spending time on your phone, ipad, social media, or book
Zoning out in front of a tv screen
Indulging in self flagellation ie. negative judgements
Dragging on a cigarette in the belief that it will help
Reaching for Panadol or some other legal or illegal drug to help you ‘cope’ or relax
Frequent masturbating, especially with porn
Daydreaming, sleeping in
Gossiping about others rather than examining ourselves
Picking fights, arguing, sulking
Gambling, getting hooked on the buzz of the win
Engaging in extreme sports

Most of these activities are not inherently ‘wrong’, it’s where we’re doing them from in ourselves that counts.

Whether we’re doing them to avoid feeling, to avoid that little voice in our heads that’s telling us we’re avoiding life, avoiding looking down into our glass jar…

If we’re really asleep, maybe we’ve even drowned out that little voice and replaced it with something like ‘I deserve this’ or ‘I’ve tried so hard’ or ‘It is the only way I can relax’…

Rather than living from avoidance (or the fear that lives underneath it) how can we make more life affirming choices?

By finding ways that nurture us whilst building our self awareness (ie. Stop bullsh…ing yourself!) such as:

Practicing feeling in a positive way by moving into it rather than away from it
check out this great talk on addictions by Jeff Foster
Shifting your energy by doing some kind of physical activity- walking, jogging, bootcamp, cycling, dancing, yoga, swimming, Osho’s active meditations are great, (download them free from osho.com)
Getting out in nature- the local park, nearby bush, on the back lawn in your barefeet
Walking with mindfulness to your local cafe for a coffee
Doing some housework or gardening
Having a mindful shower or bath
Sitting in front of the TV or movie with the intention of chilling out
Listening to relaxing or uplifting music
Journalling- writing what you feel without judgement
Using affirmations
Putting on some aromatherapy
Dancing freestyle to your favourite music
Meditation
Preparing and eating a nutritious meal
Getting out and talking to someone new
Self pleasuring or making love
Exercising whilst consciously releasing anger on your breath or your voice
Getting professional help from a counsellor or coach
Having a massage or exchanging one with a friend
Snuggling up under a blanket, in the dark, maybe next to a candle and just being with yourself
Sleeping alone
Spending real time with a good friend
Expressing yourself through art, craft
Do an act of service for someone, giving freely to another is a great heart opener
Singing, playing music, chanting, sounds
Creating a ritual for whatever is troubling you. Eg. light a candle, write a letter on your pain and release it by burning it or your own unique version of letting go
Share your challenge with a friend or support group, just ask to be heard rather than seek advice. Talk about yourself, using ‘I’ language, focussing on hearing and feeling yourself fully
Fully experience something beautiful- like a sunset, a starry night sky, a church, flower, painting, a young child, even the amazing complexity of your own hand. Beauty is very transformative
Spending time connecting with your ‘higher power’, whether that be God, Goddess, Spirit or your own deity.

Each of these activities will bring you into greater connection with and understanding of yourself, often intuitively ie. surprisingly.

From this place explore your desires for life, set intentions for what you want and most importantly follow up on them.

This is a great place to reconnect into your relationship from.

Stop bullsh…ing yourself, get into the driver’s seat of your life as the wheels spin faster and make the most of it…

« Previous Page