This is the story of Mark & Jenny’s relationship healing
Mark & Jenny were a couple who sort of believed they still loved each other.
But their daily reality wasn’t bearing that out.
Read how they moved form disconnection, anger and uncertainty into something new and rewarding.
Their story is one unique version of the many couples who come to us from across Australia and overseas for one of our individually focussed Ultimate Couples Getaways. It’s a story of relationship healing…
This is Mark
Mark was working long hours, successful in his business but paying for it through the stress he carried, stress that lead him to slump down in front of the TV at night, with a ‘leave me alone’ wall emanating from him. Which was better than the nights he had to take his anger out on Jenny by picking a fight with her. He wondered if he might be a bit depressed, but this thought was too hard to deal with so he avoided it. He did worry about his almost non existent libido, but didn’t know what to do about it. Mark felt very much in charge at work but when it came to the bedroom he didn’t have the answers and was scared to look. He dealt with his fear by being angry and keeping Jenny at a distance.
This is Jenny
Jenny was a very loving, passionate woman. She longed for more lovemaking in her relationship but she was scared of Mark’s anger and found it impossible to breach his unavailability. Feeling powerless, she carried a lot of frustration about the lack of passion in her relationship, as well as the lack of intimacy that stemmed from it. So much so that she had a luscious affair a few months ago, that ended when her lover ran away from her emotional intensity. This left Jenny even more angry and now feeling guilty as well. She’d was having therapy that helped her feel more normal and less guilty but left her still burdened with a deeper level of ongoing frustration.
Persistence Pays
Jenny urged Mark to consider coming to counselling with her. He was very resistant to the idea of exposing his vulnerabilities to a complete stranger and kept saying no. Jenny kept looking for an answer. She wanted to feel connected with Mark again and have a real relationship, not just go through the motions and look for real intimacy outside of it. Especially after their youngest son, Trent, left home at the end of the year leaving Mark and Jenny alone in the house.
Eventually Jenny found Oztantra’s Ultimate Couples Getaways and spoke to Annette and Graeme about their approach to relationship counselling. Amazed at even being able to speak to them upfront at no cost, Jenny sensed that here were two people who might have the solution she was desperate for. Otherwise it felt like the end of the road for her in her relationship with Mark. Annette and Graeme got right to the point of where she was at and what she wanted, whilst being relaxed and approachable. Jenny felt hopeful.
Something New
Mark agreed to speak to these guys because he could do it from home with minimal commitment from himself. Somehow, speaking to Annette and Graeme felt more like a conversation than any kind of therapy. Yes, a couple of the ideas they brought up were a bit confronting, but in his gut he knew that there was something in it he could trust.
His gut instinct also told him he could trust these two, especially as they could help him laugh about some of his biggest fears without him even having to mention them.
A Good Start
So Mark and Jenny booked a flight to Byron Bay and spent five days having both a holiday in relaxed and sunny Lennox Head, just 15 minutes south of Byron. They didn’t need a car, everything they wished for was in walking distance from their 
accommodation, including an abundance of great cafes, succulent fresh fish, daily walks and swims, even a local yoga class.
In a relaxed manner Annette & Graeme met them for a coffee even before the sessions started, just to get further acquainted and comfortable with the process. Mark and Jenny were able to choose the time of their sessions to fit in with their desires, with available follow up at a moment’s notice for no extra cost. It still didn’t feel like therapy.
New Pathways
The next day they had their first session – a total of 3 hrs, that went by very fast. Annette & Graeme were able to present a framework of ideas that showed them they weren’t broken and they weren’t alone. What’s more, they saw that what they’d thought were problems were actually pathways to what they both wanted.
Jenny had her beliefs about her sexuality validated. It wasn’t that she was needy or demanding, more that she was following her body’s intuition about the importance of sex for her as part of her vitality and life force, her very survival. In fact, she had felt like she was dying (or crazy) having to shut it down when sex was unavailable. She learned new ways to nurture her sexuality outside of sex that gave her a new lust for life itself.
Mark learned that whilst his libido might not be what it once was there was a whole new place in sex waiting for him that was as good as, if not better that what had gone before. And a big part of it was about him taking the time to look after himself, to relax and not see sex merely as another job he had to ‘perform’ at when he was exhausted. He found a new way to view sex as revitalizing.
Opening the Floodgates
This helped them begin to feel excited once more about their relationship. They also learned some powerful ways to communicate and feel heard about the things that were most important to them. They found so much to talk about, other than the kids and work, which had been the mainstay of their conversations for many years. Mark and Jenny started to really see each other as unique individuals, rather than a source of pain and suffering which helped them trust one another again. This opened the floodgates of desire.
Going deeper they not only recognized where some of their patterns of behaviour came from, they also learned how to get underneath the stories that kept them trapped and hurting to the love underneath. Building on the newfound love Mark and Jenny learned some simple but amazing lovemaking techniques that increased both their intimacy and pleasure. Jenny felt met by Mark in lovemaking as never before. Mark felt freer and more inspired in sex than he had for a long time. They practiced these in the privacy of their accommodation.
Not only this, but it seemed like both their relationship and themselves had healed at a very deep level that was beyond words. They felt seen, held and met by Annette & Graeme in a subtle and powerful way, connecting them to strengths they’d never dreamed they had. And surprisingly there were many healing laughs along the way.
An Excited Beginning
Mark and Jenny felt like they had found a new beginning and couldn’t wait to get started. To help integrate the new changes at 
home because it takes more than just a few days to change life long patterns, Annette and Graeme 
offered a follow up Skype session at home, included in the cost.
Even though the couple worked very hard and faced some very challenging things it felt more like an adventure than therapy, with Annette and Graeme riding side saddle beside them.
If you’re looking for your own relationship adventure contact Graeme and Annette today about an Ultimate Couples Getaway on 1800 TANTRA
In doing so he unknowingly avoids his own vulnerability, the vulnerability it takes to be an amazing lover, as this involves getting more present, more fully into his body, feeling more and opening his heart.
Unfortunately it is all too easy to put it in the too hard basket and flake out in front of the TV or your laptop instead for those few minutes of ‘me’ time.
Simply begin with sitting down opposite each other, facing each other directly. This allows your body’s energy systems to move into alignment without doing anything other than just sitting there breathing. (Holding hands is optional).
These lovers are all about the agenda- the oral sex is for one reason and one reason only- it’s the warm up for the ‘real’ sex act of penetration. So their actions are always done with a focus of getting somewhere else that’s better and as a result they drain all the juice out of the ‘right now’ moment for both you and themselves.
“I’m going to have and orgasm no matter what, I just have to try hard enough to make it happen”. This lover is desperate for pleasure and is going for it no matter what. And their mind oriented and control focussed approach will be doing two things: creating a tiring experience for the lover doing their best to support them and limiting their own capacity for pleasure. Because really big pleasure does not come from a place of mind control- nice orgasms can but the eye rolling, head back, screaming, shuddering full body and beyond orgasm comes only from surrender of the mind to the body and even the heart.
Men have sex whilst keeping their heart protected. Or they avoid wanting sex at all. Women avoid sex due to feeling a lack of intimacy and connection with their partner. Or they too seek sexual satisfaction purely through the mechanics of pleasure without involving their hearts. This has the twofold effect of making the desire to connect, either intimately or sexually or both, less likely to occur, and less fulfilling when it does happen, leaving couples feeling uncertain, frustrated and isolated.
Biologically: Love is a survival tool- a mechanism we’ve evolved as a species to promote long term relationships through a sense of safety and security, for our mutual defence and the safe raising of children. It’s a powerful neurological condition like hunger or thirst that we often seem to have no control over. Love is a cocktail of powerful chemicals for creating attraction, action, pleasure, euphoria, attachment and bonding.
passion; we can receive it through the same. It can be highly personal as with friends and family, or in a moment of unique connection with a total stranger. It’s most personal in intimate relationship. Love can also be totally impersonal, such as a generalized love for humanity, country or God. We can experience love of the self, not as self centred, but being centred in ourselves, having respect for and taking care of who we are. Although love is healthy it’s inappropriate to put our need for love onto another.
the long run (though we highly disagree with this!). Sex can be a wonderful antidepressant and de stressor. Sex provides us with opportunities to feel connected, secure, loved and powerful. It can be a boost to our self esteem. Like love, it is inappropriate to put our need for sex onto another. We can invite another into it but not force them. Sex isn’t the only way to feel loved, connected, secure and powerful whilst getting a boost to our self esteem, so psychologically we don’t need it but the combined biological, physical and emotional results speak for themselves. Sexual repression can create huge psychological torment, suffering and eventual disease. Sex is the juice/energy and passion for life, whether we’re just feeling it in ourselves, or doing it with another. .
When I hear the words “men are only interested in sex…” I feel angry, angry at how easily as a man I feel I have been judged. It is an instant flash of heat and fire when I feel labeled as an unfeeling block of wood that only wants to sex. Yes, I do love sex but most importantly, I love making love, not as an unfeeling block of wood, but as a deeply loving, emotionally connected man.
yet that was my normal in my world back then. In my previous life I was in a long term marriage that ended, a farmer and earth moving contractor, and in that world emotions received the same level of social acceptance as contracting a sexually transmitted disease.
relationship dynamics. Through our work with relationships, we are aware that in intimate relationships, it is generally men who have capacity for and do bring heart depth into relationship.
Looking beneath and past the conditioned surface appearance of relationship, where it is so easy to accept the common logic of men bring sex and a woman heart, it becomes possible to see that with real depth, it is men who bring heart depth into relationship and women bring heart connected sex.
his woman’, unconsciously encouraging her to see the male lover as the one holding the power and prowess in the bedroom. But does it have to be this way? One of my recent Hollywood idols (yes, there still lives a teenager inside me!) Matthew McConnaughey (think Magic Mike) was dethroned in a live interview on The Actors Studio (see You Tube) by his wife Camila when she stated she wished occasionally when Matthew was home that he behaved more like the ‘throw her against the wall and ravish her’ kind of guy he portrays in his movies! Matthew grins and agrees.
The autonomic nervous system is very sensitive and requires nurturing. This is where it is important for us to know our own bodies, to be familiar with them through self pleasure, to not only know what they are capable of, but to love spending time there because if we are unwilling to spend time with ourselves, then how can we expect anyone else to?
