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Vulnerability: Curse or Blessing?

April 17, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Vulnerability: The Blessing And The Curse of Intimacy

We’re caught in the trap of desiring intimacy but resisting vulnerability with all kinds of mind games and psychological protection. In the end we think it is easier to learn the skill of vulnerability…

We’ve been told that vulnerability is a scary, dangerous place. In fact, vulnerability is simply deep openness. It’s beautiful. In fact, it’s how we actually create intimacy. Without it we can share each other’s company, do things together and share common interests. But without it we stay on the surface of each other, and of ourselves. We repeat- vulnerability is the deep level of openness and availability that will make your relationship work. Being vulnerable means we’ve let our psyche’s emotional walls down, allowing ourselves to be seen- both by others and by ourselves. It can happen in moments of joy, such as at the birth of your child, being fully loved by another, being given a moment of grace when you feel most undeserving, as much as in moments of fear. In fact, it’s in the openness and space created by vulnerability that love can enter, we have to make space for it. Love can enter by itself and magically create a connection yet if you’re willing to make vulnerability a practice you will experience a much higher level of Big Love in your relationship, and in your life.

Vulnerability is always scary but any danger comes from our lack of understanding and inability in dealing with it. When we think of vulnerability we’re conditioned to think of something being wrong, that we’re literally in danger. Vulnerability has warning signs around it saying ‘don’t go there, don’t go there’. From here we make the logical choice to try and defend ourselves or attack that which is making us feel vulnerable. When we do this we miss out on the love, connection, healing and self-understanding that lies on the other side of our vulnerability.

The key in Vulnerability

Is if you can make the paradoxical choice to make your vulnerability ok and welcome it in our need to defend ourselves drops away.

When we make vulnerability ok, choosing to feel it, allow it, even welcome it in, we are in a very powerful place.

We’ve been taught that vulnerability is about exposing or opening ourselves up to another person, or to something outside of ourselves. We call this vulnerability without. In vulnerability without our focus is on opening ourselves outwards where we leave ourselves vulnerable to attack or rejection, especially if we are looking for something from the person we’re opening to. It is emotionally risky because in doing so we expose the mask of our most unfamiliar, helpless and wounded self.

From here we either:

Contract in our feelings, creating an experience of intense emotional and even physical pain
Go into a story to justify our fear or woundedness, whether it is true or not
Become desperate for the person we’re exposed to to validate or comfort us
Pick up on any potential threat in what our partner says or does and react, whether the threat is real, or our projection
Go on the offensive, attacking the other to stay safe in ourselves
Close down as soon as possible and put our defences back up

Many a relationship has been destroyed by attacks that come from the discomfort of this kind of vulnerability.

Vulnerability Within

on the other hand is opening in to ourselves, holding on to ourselves rather than to another. It is about literally opening inwards rather than opening out. This vulnerability within ourselves becomes a place of strength, going beyond our weakness to where we no longer feel the need to hide or protect ourselves. We find we are not weak and helpless but vast and powerful. We’re less dependent on our partner’s response. We’re totally emotionally open and available to ourselves and to our partners, even to love itself. We surrender to ourselves, our mind sinks into our heart. We’re freer and more connected to our essence.

We don’t say these things lightly

When we say vulnerability within ourselves leads us into experiences of more love than we ever dreamed possible we’re very serious. As a society we are becoming more physically comfortable, smarter and more in control of our ego selves and our world. We have an ever increasing number of ways to escape feeling discomfort. The byproduct of this shift is more loneliness and depression and missing out on the gifts Big Love can bring. We’re creating more external success but our question is, does this replace the value of Big Love itself? Experiencing Big Love, love beyond description is one of the benefits of facing our vulnerability.

If we stop buying into the fear stories of vulnerability we find it is a feeling like ‘come and get me world, do your worst because here I am, with no more walls and nothing more that can hurt me!’

What makes vulnerability uncomfortable is merely our resistance to it. The more willingly we embrace the power of vulnerability within the easier and more rewarding intimacy becomes.

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change” Brene Brown

Understand that if you only experience pain and not freedom in your vulnerability you have probably remained contracted in your feelings rather than fully dropping though them into the essence of you that lives underneath your pain and your story.

Holding on to yourself

is choosing to stay present with yourself and your feeling body whilst you show up, no matter what you feel. In this way intimate communicating becomes an act of self acceptance, validation and love, a way of maintaining your sense of self and becoming intimate and available in your relationship at the same time. This is the magic of intimacy.

In his wonderful book Passionate Marriage David Schnarch, Phd states that “Intimacy hinges on validating yourself rather than trusting your partner to make you feel safe.”

Making vulnerability OK and practicing taking your vulnerability within takes both courage and practice. Choose respectful places to practice your vulnerability in, places where you can hold onto yourself if it is unseen or rejected. Ask permission of the person you’re sharing with if they’re open to your sharing. You can start outside your relationship if with your partner feels too big, or start with subjects with manageable levels of vulnerability for both of you.

Vulnerability Practice:

When you are next sitting down with your partner (or a friend), practice your ABC, look them in the eye and notice what comes to you as something about yourself that would be challenging for you to share. Ask their permission first and choose to share it, using ‘I’ language. Share whatever it is without looking for any particular response. The importance is not what you are sharing but the opening you’re creating in yourself by sharing it. Hold onto yourself and validate yourself for going there. Don’t need your partner to do it for you, if they do see it as a beautiful bonus.

The magic in all of this is that because you are taking this risk in showing with your walls down and your partner is more than likely to feel drawn towards you rather than to reject us as you fear, for your exposure of your essence creates attraction. And if they do happen to reject you, you are ok because you are connected fully to yourself so there is no abandonment and little pain.

‘I’ language

Go to any personal development workshop and you will most likely be invited to speak in ‘I’ language. This happens for good reason. Our culture has a habit of saying ‘you’ when we really mean ‘I’ or ‘me’ that subtly disconnects us from feeling our own experience fully. Saying “I” also lets the other person hear us more easily as we are clearly talking about our own experience.
Make it a habit to practice ‘I’ language when talking about your own experience.

Your partner’s response: Remember your partner’s response is about them not you, just as your response is about you not them.

What we are responsible for is about us. Remembering this makes it easier to hold to ourselves when sharing.

Supporting someone in being vulnerable: If someone asks you to hear them share something vulnerable there is much you can do to support them:

Bring all of who you are into the moment:
Clear your mind
Connect with your body
Breathe into your heart
Gently focus your eyes on them
Be in silence
Don’t try to understand them at an intellectual level, let their words penetrate you, feel their heart
Feel what is behind their words
Meet them in who they are being
Validate them
Share what their sharing may have touched in you, which is a beautiful way of validating their offering.

“The way you become divine is to become wholly human”. Bishop Shelby Spong

If you would like to learn how to practice vulnerability within join us for one of our upcoming events here

The No.1 Tip to Keep Your Woman Wanting You

February 21, 2017 By Annette & Graeme 4 Comments

Keep your woman wanting you by touching her.

Your woman needs to be touched.

Something that often stands out for us is the way guys are missing one of the most basic rules in lovemaking.

Well, it’s more than a rule really, it’s a necessity!

What is even more surprising is that sometimes women don’t know this rule either…

Women need to be touched everywhere else before their genitals for them to work fully!

This is especially true in relationship sex- what we call sex for the long run. Any woman’s body that is not touched in lovemaking will sooner or later completely shut down, leaving her lover scratching his head wondering what happened.

This leaves him sadly buying into the belief, likely to be endorsed by his mates that a loss of interest in sex is “normal” in a woman. It is not.

A woman’s body is made to be touched, it’s not only luscious to look at its yearning to be fully appreciated.

Her body, not just Female sexuality more than just lingerie her vagina, needs to be penetrated with attention.

Anything else leaves her uninterested in sex and sometimes uninterested in her partner. It will also leave her more over emotional, critical even bitter; or cold, withdrawn and unapproachable.

A lack of touch makes her more interested in being with her kids where some of these needs for physical and emotional (not sexual) intimacy get met.

The interesting thing is that these people aren’t lacking in intelligence.

They’re smart, caring, creative and competent so it’s not that they aren’t capable of touching it’s just that they literally don’t know the importance.

And they’re not alone.

Why DON’T men touch?

Of course many men do touch, we’re looking here at the ones who don’t yet.

Survival of the species

A guy’s primal drive in sex, as it is in his life, is to produce.

To get to his goal as fast and as efficiently as possible. His primal urge to “get there” can override everything else in his pathway, leading him to ignore anything he perceives as distracting along the way.

And at its most basic level a woman’s pleasure, or anything beyond the perceived openness of her vagina, is not required for man to achieve his primal objective.

This is not an excuse but it is part of the reason behind a guy’s blindness in bed.

We’ve moved on from sex being merely about the survival of the species.

We’re now capable of sustained physical pleasure, emotional closeness and intimacy in sex, closeness and intimacy that men, given the opportunity, will admit they crave as much as women.

They just don’t know how to go about it, and the complexity of a woman’s body can be overwhelming.

Part of it is that men lack the quality information that can teach them.

Nowhere to learn from

Men have little opportunity to learn from others in their environment.

Open, honest conversations about sex and how it happens are as rare as hen’s teeth and mostly what we hear is disinformation about sex that perpetuates the stereotypes we labour under.

It’s one of the things we most love about our work- making these kinds of conversations possible.

Of course, pornography is the master of disinformation about sex- about truly satisfying sex at least.

Porn is great for titillation and getting us to the end point but terrible at showing us how to make the most of the bit in between.

Porn shows men penetrating women increasingly without any kind of touching beforehand and mistakenly portrays the women screaming in pleasure from the mere act of having a cock inside her.

Porn is teaching women too that she doesn’t need to be touched. A woman’s body doesn’t work that way.

Except on the occasions she is really hot with all systems firing and there’s usually reasons behind this other than just the immanent sex.

Cultural conditioning

Men grow up in the bullshit culture of how men should be big, strong and tough, not sensitive or ‘girly’, primed for fighting rather than loving, leaving them numb in their bodies and less sensitive to touch than they’re capable of.

Believe us guys, the more sensitive you become (without losing yourself) the more powerfully masculine you become where it counts- in the lingam (cock) and in the heart.

Men often grow up in an environment where touching, even non sexual touching wasn’t a normal part of daily life for them.

Such as hanging out on the couch together, having hugs, being held when they’re sad or even being kissed goodnight at bedtime.

It can be true for women as well. This kind of touch may even have been shamed.

Growing up with a lack of touch makes it difficult to know what it feels like and what its benefits are.

Performance based touch

When men do take the time to become good at touching a woman they’re unfortunately taught to “turn her on”.

As Leonard Cohen so powerfully sang “I didn’t know how to feel so I learned how to touch”.

A man can even believe he knows how to touch so well that his woman ‘should’ like it, no matter what.

This external touch can leave a woman feeling pressured to perform in order to validate his skill and feeling manipulated rather than fulfilled no matter how pleasure she has.

It limits the connection possible in truly intimate lovemaking.

Men also carry shame about their sexual needs and often have anger towards women who as they see it, don’t provide for their needs.

This leaves them resentful about having to “give” touch in return.

Men haven’t been taught how to take responsibility for their own sexual needs and having unsatisfying sexual relationships makes this worse.

Not knowing what is possible

And finally it’s just that most people don’t know what is possible in sex, beyond having a “genital sneeze” type orgasm.

In the rush for the mechanics the intimacy in sex is lost. In relationship sex in the absence of intimacy much of the pleasure is lost.

And why do women accept it?

A woman is primally driven to open and receive in sex.

This leaves her without a voice to ask for what it is that she needs for her own arousal and continues to happen despite the growth in women’s liberation elsewhere in life.

It leaves her lover in the dark operating on instinct leaving her to just “go along” and hope that it’s over soon.

Woman’s strength has been in her capacity to endure rather than her ability to speak up.

She knows intuitively there is more but she is at a loss in how to create it, and with today’s orgasm performance based sex so much the norm she can even doubt her instincts.

So how DO you touch a woman in sex?

Begin getting into your own body first so she can feel you.

By touching her outside the bedroom to help her get into her feeling body too- not groping, just relaxed touch without an agenda.

Then by asking her.

Ask questions to make sure you understand her fully.

Dropping any expectations of a result, just enjoy each moment.

Don’t be afraid to ask for feedback as you touch her, not from a place of insecurity but from caring- would you like it slower/faster/softer/firmer/to the right/left etc.

And keep asking. She will love you for it.

If she really doesn’t know, start with kissing her a lot.

Then follow the basic idea of imagining she has a bikini on and touching her everywhere else but under her bikini.

Particularly the back of her neck, her head and her hair, her breasts (all of them not just her nipples), over her heart, her lower back, buttocks and inner thighs. For more see Tantric Touch

Once you arrive at her genitals (or yoni as we like to call it which means sacred space) take the same approach- touch from the outside in- pubic mound, outer labia, perineum, inner labia, clitoris, entrance to her vagina, gspot and aspots (at cervix).

If she’s liking it do more of it, at the same speed or keep coming back to it.

Touch her from a place of exploration rather than performance.

Breathe and invite her to breathe with you.

And women, ask for it. And love touching yourself too so he’ll want to join you.

Make it a team effort.

She will love you for it and so will you.

Training for the hardest job in the world

February 7, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

That’s being in authentic intimate relationship…

And it’s a job we receive very little, if any, relationship training for…

Intimate relationships can look very different from the inside to what we hoped for at the beginning, can’t they? The person who started out as our soulmate somehow becomes the one put on earth simply to frustrate us! From the seeming the best person in the world to be around to one that can feel scary and even unsafe.

If this is you, then you’re not alone. Tantric Touch in the grass

Even though you might be thinking everyone else seems to have their relationships sorted we can tell you that this is not true. People have been doing relationships for thousands of years and though their nature keeps changing the one constant is that they all offer their challenges.

We often hear that problems in relationships are simply due to poor communication but we’ve seen the reasons are more complex than this singular factor. Especially in today’s world where our expectations of relationship are higher than ever before. We want our partners to be partners, lovers, friends, providers, nurturers, buddies, therapists, mind readers, sex Gods and much more. Our lives themselves have become more complex, involving much change and challenge, we’re living longer than ever and our relationships need to be resilient enough to cope. Not only this but the person we choose in relationship with may not be the boy or girl from down the road we’ve known all our lives but someone from across the country or across the world, with a different set of beliefs, perhaps a different culture or vastly different life experience. Love doesn’t seem to adhere to any particular sets of rules.

Our intimate relationships are now expected to offer us:

Safety/Security/Support/Comfort/Belonging
Familiarity/Identity/Certainty/Longevity
Curiosity/Pleasure/Excitement/Adventure
Fun/Exploration/Playfulness/Edginess
Intimacy/Connectedness/Freedom/Autonomy
Love/Sex /Mystery/Meaning

Remember when relationship was automatically about strolling down the aisle and committing to stay together “till death us do part” no matter what? For some of us it may still be. We’ve been taught to plan our futures according to this currently existing model of relationship in society. We’ve wanted to grow up, fall in love with someone of the opposite sex, get married, have a successful career- at work if you’re a man, at home if you’re a woman. We’ve aimed to live together in this ideal family unit that will be there forever and a day. Yet no matter how we try our lives don’t necessarily conform to these ‘rules’. We fall out of love, our work becomes more important than our relationships, we fall in love with someone of the same gender, we get ill and change the way we think about life, our children build our relationships or tear them apart, our goals change, we fall in love all over again with the same person or with someone different. The old ‘rules’ no longer apply, yet we still feel like we’re failing if we haven’t abided by them. This is why we need a new model of what intimate relationships are.

We like to focus on fixing the communication aspect of relationship because it seems like it should be an easy thing to fix, but the bigger picture of the relationship means it is not that simple. We believe that part of the struggles that occur in relationship are due in part to a lack of adequate training.

Our intimate relationships are potentially the most important and fulfilling part of our lives yet we receive very little training for them.

Let’s face it, if we were offered an extremely challenging job requiring multiple skillsets we weren’t sure we had very few of us would be willing to sign on without negotiating some training and ongoing support. Particularly if our income was based on the quality of our daily performance. It wouldn’t make sense.

So why do we do exactly this with our relationships, stepping into them blind and not asking for help?

It’s largely because everyone around us does exactly the same, including those we learn the most about relationships from, our parents. It’s as if we carry an inbuilt belief that once we get in to a relationship everything will magically be ok because we love each other. It’s the same with our sex lives, they should just ‘happen naturally’. So it’s easy to take them, along with our partners for granted, getting into the habit of making them our last priority instead of our first. This unconsciously creates the loss of spark in long term relationship we dread, leaving us thinking that we’ve fallen ‘out of love’. And in this disposable world we can fall into the trap of constantly having an eye out for a replacement, seeking a new and supposedly easier option, draining further energy from our current relationship and reducing its chances of survival. We see this over and over again in our work, couples thinking the spark has gone, when actually it’s just been dimmed by the suffering that’s been put on top of it.

Heart to Heart communication This is why it’s vital to get the training you need to address the challenges your relationship offers rather than bury your heads in the sand, becoming machine like and operating from habit, wishing things were different without taking action. Or doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. This is just suffering.

Where you’re at is not your responsibility. Staying there is your choice.

Understand that as a result of this lack of training when things go wrong you blame either your partner or yourself for being inadequate, uncaring or not good enough, rather than seeing a person simply lacking in skills. A person just like you, who dearly wants connection, who is probably trying just as hard, hurting just as much as you, and is just as much in the dark as you. So the next time you want to cast blame or judgement for your hurt, take a moment to remember it’s not so much a lack of lovableness creating the friction in your relationship as a lack of knowledge and skill. This makes is easier to give each other a hug, rather than a blast.

If you want to learn more about how to be good at relationship come to an event, or contact us today…

Best Ever Relationship Tool!

December 6, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

It’s breathing!

You’ve probably never thought about breathing as a relationship tool, but it is a powerful one.

Not to mention all the benefits breathing has to offer you as an individual, apart from the obvious one of keeping you alive!

Breathing In is the first thing we do when we’re born. Woman breastfeeding

Breathing out is the last thing we do before we die.

And the way we breathe in between not only keeps us alive, it has a significant impact on our quality of life in between…

Maybe you’ve noticed how your breath changes depending on how you feel: short and shallow when you’re stressed, deeper and slower when you’re relaxed. Your breath changes when you yawn, sigh, cry or laugh. Not only that but you can change how you feel by actively changing your breath.

We invite you to fall in love with breathing…

This alone will change your relationship! And the exciting thing about quality breathing is that it’s effects are cumulative- the more you do it the quicker and more longer lasting the impact.

From a relationship point of view breathing can:

Awareness of our breathing connects us to ourselves. This is a good thing as the more we’re connected to ourselves the more we have to share with another.
Deep breathing helps us get relaxed, present and grounded, making it easier for us to know what to say and to hear what our significant other is really saying!
Help move emotions through our bodies, avoiding stuckness and mental drama. The more we breathe the more we feel, release and shift.
Increase access to our intuitive wisdom and our heart’s truth as well as bring mental clarity.
Accelerated breathing increases our sexual pleasure, deep slow breathing spreads it through our bodies, producing altered states and even spiritual experiences!

Research shows that breathing does a lot more too!

Amongst other things breathing:

Decreases stress and promotes relaxation
Helps to decrease anxiety and depression
Increases happiness and optimism
Increases self awareness
Improves focus and concentration
Improves sleep
Strengthens our ability to regulate our emotions
Improves symptoms of trauma
Reduces impulsivity, cravings and addictions
Decreases stress and regulates our body’s level of cortisol, the stress hormone
Strengthens our immunity by altering the genes responsible for them
Reduces pain and activation of the pain centres in the brain
Improves digestion
Oxygenates muscles for better function
Detoxifies and releases toxins, removes carbon dioxide from the blood, replacing it with oxygen

Someone who is less stressed and depressed, more aware, happier, thinks clearer, sleeps well, regulates their emotions, isn’t ruled by addictions, stress or pain with a healthy tummy and fitter body would be much easier to be in relationship with, don’t you agree?

So take a pause and breathe…

Breathing mindfully can also help your relationship by helping you become less reactive. Can you imagine if instead of saying something mean, you were able to mentally step back and chill before talking? Wouldn’t that be nice? If the state of your mind affects the breath the reverse is true as well and here’s how it can help your relationship. The next time you’re arguing with your partner try taking longer, deeper breaths. Notice how that can quickly reduce anger and connect us with ourselves, allow us to look at the situation from a new perspective.

And last but not least breathing is a natural aphrodisiac

It helps us be more present with our lovers and will not only spread your pleasure into a more full bodied experience whilst increasing the intensity of your orgasm and build sexual stamina.

Falling in love with your breath will help you fall deeper and stay in love with your partner, with yourself and with life!

Breathing Activity:

An optimal breath comes by breathing deeply in through your nose into your belly, allowing your belly to fill, expanding up into your chest and exhaling through a slightly open mouth.

Try practicing breathing (mindfully) as often as you can remember.

Put up little notes around the house, at your computer, on your dashboard, in your meditation, when you exercise, getting ready for sleep, helping you wake up, put a breathing reminder app on our phone, anywhere and everywhere…

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Power Over vs Power Within

November 23, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Where is the power in your relationship?

Power is what the world runs on. It is no surprise it turns up in our relationships! Power struggles often loom large between people in intimate relationship. Power struggles that leave us feeling like only one person can ‘win’ in a situation and the other must ‘lose’.

Can you relate to using phrases like this?

You must/should
You can’t
If you loved me
If you don’t, I…
If you do this for me, only then will I…
I must because you aren’t

This is because we’re brought up in a society with a singular model of power- that of Power Of or Power Over. Yet we have more than just this one model of power available to us. Here we explore five different types of power, finding the value and the negatives in each. You can see how they’re playing out in, or might be of value, in your own relationship.

‘Power Of’ and ‘Power Over’ are everywhere and are largely how the world at this point works. They leave couples stuck in and endless cycle of power struggle, point scoring and payback. The more unequal the power in this model the more corrupt it can become. Its corruption means the one in power has control, but misses true happiness. It also encourages the dominated person to remain the eternal child, or become a victim, rather than inviting them to become whole in themselves.

Power Of:

‘Power Of’ is where one person (group, community, society or country) has more of something than another, that the other

needs or wants. This can be knowledge, money, resources, will, skill etc. Even an electricity switch has the power over us, letting us see, keeping us warm, clean, fed and in communication with others. The positive use of this power is when the one with is able to share with the one who is without. Abuse of this power is where they withhold it, where one wins and the other loses. In relationship this dynamic commonly plays out around sex and love, leaving partner’s on the opposite side of the relationship fence.

Power Over:

The ‘Power Over’ model is where one person has power over the other person (or one group over another group, community, society or country). This power comes from a dominant controlling force coercing a lesser power to submit. ‘Power Over’ is maintained through dominance and persistence, certainty and control.

This power can be benevolent, for example, a parent making a child come home at a certain time for their own safety. It may be an impersonal force such as the Tax office requiring your annual tax return, or a government instigating an anti-discrimination policy for you to adhere to.

The one with the power sets the rules, the one under it feels the impact. For example, the person in the relationship with the higher earnings determines where the couple lives. Occasionally ‘Power Over’ can come from underneath, when a victim exhibits a learned helplessness in order to get their needs met. For example, the mother who has sat at home all day feigning tiredness so her husband will fix dinner and put the kids to bed.

At its best, ‘Power Over’ offers a sense of safety, guidance and caring for the one being controlled, such as the husband who organizes care for his ill wife making her feel safe, cared for and loved. It also offers a sense of leadership, direction and sovereignty for the one in power, such as the emotionally intelligent wife holding a nonjudgmental space for her husband to safely feel his emotions.

In the absence of any other model of power, if the oppressed person (group, community, society or country) happens to gain power at any time they often reverse the experience for their former oppressors and dominate them back. Perhaps enjoying their moment of revenge, but mostly not knowing any other way. We see this in the disempowered spouse who badmouths their controlling partner behind their back, enjoying the sympathy of their friends but not addressing the situation directly with their partner.

The negatives in this power model are that it can easily be self-serving and abused through overt anger, covert criticism and manipulation, repression, force, discrimination, corruption, and more, leaving the dominated person feeling powerless and oppressed. ‘Power Over’ by itself is not the healthiest model for relationship.

Power With:

‘Power With’ is about being inclusive, finding common ground and building together through a collective strength. It sees each person (group, community, society or country) as a part of the same team, with their differences as creative opportunities. It seeks to build bridges and minimize conflict rather than create struggle. ‘Power With’ acts not from self-interest, but sees the views and desires of all as having equal value, recognizing and addressing them alike. Honesty, transparency and respect for each other are key parts to this model. Each person is invited to see their actions as part of a greater whole and out of each person’s valued expression comes the insight required to find new ways and solutions for the whole.

Unlike ‘Power Over’, where one person must continually reinforce it to sustain it, ‘Power With’ emerges organically from the process of creating it, and grows stronger the more it is put to use. ‘Power With’ is a form of co-creative collaboration with a common goal.

Rather than a husband saying ‘this is the way it’s going to be because I say’ and the wife ‘going along’ in order to create the minimum amount of conflict (or vice versa) ‘Power With’ offers a different path. The husband and wife get together to discuss their differing desires with the mutual underlying goal of creating a happy relationship through win/win outcomes. John visits his mate and Pauline takes her daughter shopping for baby clothes on Saturday so they can both go cycling together on Sunday. They negotiate their individual wishes for the good of the relationship because they know if the relationship is cared for so will they be.

The negatives in this power model are that it takes a degree of time, experience and skill to practice it. Some people are unable (at least initially) to identify and express their desires and work towards a mutually agreeable outcome. Unless this model is done authentically, with honest input, it can become a place of nobody going anywhere and nothing getting done.

Empowerment:

‘Empowerment’ refers to the unique potential of every person (group, community, society or country) to shape his or her own life and world. It is the ability to take action and create our own outcomes. It is where we as the individual, have the hope and self-confidence to believe we can make a difference. As well as the self-assertiveness, decision making power and ability to learn whatever skills and find whatever resources we need to accomplish our desires. ‘I am empowered to the degree to which I can construct what I need all by myself and don’t have to get it from someone else’.

The negatives in this model are that there are many things in life we cannot do alone, that take more than one person and require a degree of relationship to do so. In fact, there are very few things we accomplish totally alone, even the chair you’re sitting on to read this book was made by another, several others by the time it moves from design, production, sale and transport to your home. Believing we do everything ourselves creates unnecessary arrogance and isolation. And there are many things we choose, even long, to share with others. Intimacy with another is about connecting, sharing and co creating together.

So whilst empowerment is important, we need a further model of power that includes more than just the self.

Power within:

‘Power Within’ comes from an inner sense of self (group, community, society or country) from knowing we are separate to, yet part of the world around us, from having identified our own intrinsic value. ‘Power Within’ means we’re no longer reliant on external sources of power- money, looks, achievements, symbols of status or fame to feel happy or good about ourselves.

Having ‘Power Within’ means we can stay centred, grounded and open hearted no matter what life (or our partner) throws at us. When we become off balanced, as can happen when challenged in life and relationship, we know the place to find our centre, and our answers is within us. It is the power that results from doing deep inner emotional and spiritual work to heal the pain, fears and false beliefs acquired in childhood that create the limited Ego mask we present to the world. The Ego mask that fears loss of safety, security, of self, of those we love or need love from. Without this inner work we are forever stuck in the Ego’s fear based desire for control, for ‘Power Over’ others and outcomes.

To find ‘Power Within’ we connect with ourselves, drop focussing on everything around us, stop giving our power away by looking for it outside of ourselves, stop giving it away by blaming others and making them responsibility for our reality.

‘Power Within’ means we have awareness of others as well as self, with access to empathy and compassion. We can care, connect and share but not at the loss of ourselves. Our goal is growth rather than harmony, but may of course include it. From a place of clarity and mutual respect, we can honestly express our desires, manage our boundaries and explore a multitude of outcomes for any given situation rather than just one or two. Yet we have a strong inner bullshit detector which prevents us from getting caught in a quagmire for long, forming a co-creative power with others for an inspiring end result.

The negative of ‘Power Within’ is that it takes time, effort and skill to find it. However, once you see it you know nothing else is worth it. Once you have it (even moments of it) there are no downsides.

Activity:

In relationship (as in life) we can access the full range of power models according to what is required in any given situation- Power Of, Power Over (benevolent), Power with, Empowerment in the self as well as Power Within.

Examine your relationship power model and see what is working and what more could be achieved through using a range of different power models, whilst being aware of their pluses and minuses. If you are in a relationship where the dominant power is ‘Power Over’ ie. Your partner having power over you in a negative way, your first step is to focus on gaining some ‘Empowerment’ in yourself before tackling any of the other models.

If you are struggling with any unhealthy aspects of power in your relationship email us here or call 1800 TANTRA for support.

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Jealousy: facing the green eyed monster

October 21, 2016 By Annette & Graeme 1 Comment

How you can turn jealousy into a gift…

Without pouring acid onto your partner’s car, throwing their belongings into the street or boiling their rabbit!

Jealousy. It’s a common experience in relationships of the romantic variety, whether for a moment or a lifetime. In fact, we

assume it is almost impossible to have one without the other! Many a great book, movie or song is testament to this fact.

In the early stages of relationship, before a deep level of trust has developed, or to spice things up in a flat spot, a little bit of jealousy can be a good thing. A twinge of uneasiness whilst seeing your partner across the room chatting enthusiastically to an attractive member of the opposite sex can instantly create a spurt of desire for them in yourself!

But jealousy over the long term is a gut churning, painful misery, where trust and happiness seem like a distant memory. The truth is this is saying much more about YOU than your partner. Here we look at how jealousy in ourselves can be a tool for learning rather than suffering.

It is said that jealousy only hurts the one creating it, whether there is a basis of truth in the jealousy or not.

Jealousy seems to thrive on the belief that those we’re jealous of are somehow happy, totally fulfilled, even victorious (whether it’s true or not), whilst we’re left alone filled with a seething mass of unendurable, quite visceral and primal emotions. The intensity of these feelings has us constantly focussing on the betraying partner and their ‘accomplice’, often to the exclusion of everything else. Our view of reality, driven by our out of control emotions becomes warped, making revenge seem like a reasonable response.

Although the perceptions that accompany jealousy may be distorted, the pain it gives rise to is real. The neural circuitry that underlies our psychological response to such complex social events as being accepted or rejected is the same circuitry that underlies the simplest physical pains and pleasures.

Here we’re NOT attempting to excuse our partner if they’ve been behaving in an inappropriate manner, see dealing with infidelity) just to understand what we can do with the hurt we’re experiencing.

The problem with jealousy is that it isn’t just one feeling on its own, it’s a combination of several different feelings ranging from anger and even rage to envy and powerlessness. Underlying all of these is usually shame, because our partner seeking someone else leaves us feeling like we’re somehow inadequate in ourselves, leaving us with a crisis of identity. This shame is enhanced when a partner’s affair becomes public knowledge and everyone who knows us (and even some who don’t) has an opinion and often a vicarious enjoyment of seeing others going through their worst nightmare.

Our jealousy can be compounded by guilt if we believe we’ve done something to somehow ‘deserve’ the other’s behaviour, or by the socially acceptable idea of revenge if we believe we’re the wronged party.

Most of all jealousy feels so extremely uncomfortable we want to get rid of it in any way we can. We do this by wanting our partner to instantly stop doing what it is that makes us jealous, or for what has happened to make us jealous not to have happened. Both these things are outside of our control so here we focus on what we can control.

We do this by breaking jealousy down into its different parts, making it easier to deal with.

Feelings

Rather than ‘thinking’ your feelings and being caught in the merry go round of drama get yourself grounded in your body by feeling your feet on the earth. Breathing helps your body feel safe and you to get more present. Use your mind to scan your body and notice what it is that you’re actually feeling. Allow it to be there, breathe through it. Yes, it can be painful, but accepting it as yours will help you get a handle on it.

Thoughts

Take a look at the thoughts that drive each feeling and see what they’re telling you. See if you can relate to any of the following:

1. Anger

Anger is a feeling of explosive tension and heat in the body, clenched neck & shoulders, with a strong desire to DO something.

Anger related thoughts:

Healthy Anger: “I don’t like this and I want it to change”
Projected anger: “How dare you”, “You’re a bastard/bitch”, “You have no right”
Revenge (aggressive anger): “You hurt me, now I want to hurt you back”
Betrayal: “This is wrong”, “You promised me”
Possessiveness: “She/He is mine and you can’t have them”
Neediness: “I am missing out on my needs being met”

2. Fear

Fear is experienced as butterflies in the solar plexus, a sick churning in the gut, a frozenness with a strong desire to hold on to whatever you can for support.

Fear related thoughts:

Suspicion: “I can’t trust you not to hurt me”
Paranoia: “There is much more going on here than I think/know/am being told”
Envy: “The other is better than me, has something that I don’t” or “I am missing out here”
Insecurity: “I need you, for me to be OK”
Hypervigilance: “To stay in control of myself I must attempt to monitor and control you”
Loss of Control: “I cannot control what is happening”
Powerlessness: “She/He can take you away from me” or “You might leave me”
Abandonment: “I would be lost and could not cope without you”

3. Sadness

Sadness feels like a heaviness in the chest, feeling weighed down, wanting to go inside yourself and have a good cry.

Sadness related thoughts:

Grief: “I have lost something that I loved or that I believed was mine” or “I have lost my fairy tale relationship”

4. Shame:

Numbness feels like a desire to disappear and hide, a not wanting to be seen.

Shame related thoughts:

Self-Invalidation: “This is happening because there is something wrong with me”, “I am not good enough”
Humiliation: “Others will judge me as lacking”

5. Guilt:

Guilt feels like being in an emotional straight jacket.

Guilt related thoughts:

“This is happening because I deserve it in some way”

What you can do about Jealousy:

Understand that your pain is real and that you CAN do something about it other than wish it hadn’t happened/wasn’t happening.

Feeling the real feelings as they exist in your body rather than in the story in your head is a great start. Breathing and feeling through your feelings allows you to become more centred. Your feelings cannot literally hurt you, only what you do with them can. Let your hurt in at least a little bit, and allow it to open your heart. This is the gift of jealousy if we welcome it. Sounds weird but it works.

You’ll find your heart is much, much stronger than you’ve ever imagined if you trust it to care for you.

Once you’ve felt the feelings and reconnected with yourself you can address the underlying issues identified within the feelings.

This is how you take control, by being at choice rather than in reaction in your responses:

Remain connected with yourself and don’t give your power away to your ‘story’. Or to others only too willing to get in on the drama of the situation. Otherwise you’re just abandoning yourself just like your partner has.
Check whether your suspicions real or imagined (don’t get lost in this step).
See your partner’s actions as about them, not you.
See your response as about you, not them.
Give yourself permission to release your anger in a healthy way eg. pounding pillows, dancing wildly or yelling alone in the car.

Ask yourself:

- Is there anything you’re avoiding in yourself by giving jealousy its head?

- Is your partner giving you a not so subtle message that you’ve become emotionally unavailable to to them? Without making yourself responsible for your partner’s behaviour can you own your part in this?

- Are there old, unreleased hurts that are being triggered for healing? Feel them.

- Are you feeling a need to control or possess your partner? Where are you feeling out of control or incomplete in yourself?
- Are you clearly asking for your healthy relationship needs to be met?
- Are you giving yourself permission to have fun and create abundance in your own life?

- If you find yourself envying ‘the other one’ in the affair find the gold in yourself that you’re projecting onto them, turning ‘them’ into a gift for yourself ie. do you see them as more sexual, powerful, free, capable than you? Where can you find these part in yourself?
- Can you go underneath your fear, shame and abandonment and find the part of you that is enough, no matter what?

Talk to your partner:

Own and express your concerns with your partner. Really listen to their response.
Discuss your relationship agreements about acceptable behaviour around others. If you don’t have any, create some.
If your partner is treating you poorly set a healthy boundary for yourself about how you would like to be treated.
If your fears are unfounded own your own jealousy and what strategies you’re putting in place to deal with it. To be jealous is human, to own and deal with it is divine.

To counteract any shame or humiliation find ways to nurture and love yourself, giving yourself the attention you deserve.

If your partner is known to be repeatedly straying outside your relationship and not owning it, or being willing to work with you to heal it it’s different. If you’ve done your own work face the fact that they are unlikely to change and do yourself a favour by moving on. This can be the biggest lesson of all. Otherwise what is this saying about you?

Don’t make jealousy wrong

The vital thing with jealousy is to feel it, and the vulnerability it brings without making it wrong. Take a breath into your jealousy and welcome it in. For if you let it it will open your heart more deeply to parts of yourself you haven’t known before, because jealousy is a powerful heart opener and teacher. See that your jealousy driven stories don’t need to be true.

Know you can be enough in yourself in any circumstances, if you give yourself permission to believe it.

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