relationship problems Archives - Relationship & Sexuality Counselling Specialists

Couple Communication: Finding the Gifts in your Messiness

June 24, 2019 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

We often call couples communication the finer art of the shit fight.

This is because it can get messy at the speed of light!

Part of the skill in couple communication is in learning how to get better at staying out of the messiness.

Another important part is getting better at dealing with the messiness once you’re there.

Problems in communication are usually seen as the No.1 issue in relationships.

If effective communication in an intimate relationship was easy, everybody would be doing it. But if it isn’t don’t beat yourself up. Graeme and I have been doing it with awareness for years now and we still get caught up in domestics at times!

Couples talk is particularly difficult because communication here isn’t just an exchange of information and ideas. It’s the one place we can’t avoid the messiness of feelings, emotions and deep human need.

Not to mention that we’re communicating with someone who is extremely important to us. Someone that we don’t want to lose by messing things up. We probably carry fear too, about going back into places where we’ve been hurt in the past. Or where we’ve hurt our partner.

What’s really going on when communication gets messy?

Mostly what happens in moments of painful communication is that we make what is happening wrong. We put up walls around the discomfort that occurs inside of us.

Messiness might look like ‘something being wrong’, yet despite appearances, it’s actually part of your relationship growth cycle. Much relationship conflict comes from making the messiness wrong. And from losing connection with yourself as you try to avoid the uncomfortable feelings that result.

When you lose this connection, your partner becomes the enemy and you drop into strategies of defensiveness and protection. You seek control, rather than connection and understanding.

“Almost 90% of all human communication comes from the (usually unconscious) need to control.”
Saying What’s Real, 7 Keys To Authentic Communication, Susan Campbell, PhD

Exploiting the truth

In our human messiness, our logical minds try to help out by rationalising our behaviour. We exploit elements of the truth to get us off the hook of hurt. Speaking from our unfelt emotion, we go to elaborate efforts to justify our position. We also get very convoluted and irrational in our story-telling.

This is because our logical minds are compartmentalised, and their separate parts come up with different points of view. They can do this at the same time, even with totally opposing ideas! We then argue as if they all make sense. We take something that’s 10% true and elaborate it with 90% bullshit to make ourselves feel ‘right’ (ie safe). Graeme and I call this ‘going down the rabbit hole’.

Going down the rabbit hole

All this story-telling creates ‘mind-generated’ feelings that are mostly irrelevant to the feeling that was originally triggered. We’ve known couples who’d get into near-relationship-ending fights over the simplest of issues. This is because each person held tightly to their chosen 10% truth/90% bullshit story.

Get curious about the messiness in your Couple Communication

Rather than getting caught up in the messiness of your 90% bullshit and trying to understand it, try something different. See if you can identify the strongest negative point you’re trying to make (it’s usually about your partner).

This is where the gold is in your Couple Communication.

You can tell it by the sharp increase in emotion, the increased volume in your voice. It might be the knife twist in your gut or the desire to commit some kind of physical violence.

When you’ve identified it, counter-intuitive though it may appear, simply notice the response in your body that it creates. You might notice you’re tensing your shoulders, contracting in fear or wanting to attack, pull away, or go blank.

Getting grounded

Take a breath in and slowly let it out again, feel your feet, get grounded in your body. Taking this deep breath helps to soften your reaction. Your body will intuitively begin to feel safe, allowing you to thoughtfully respond rather than react. Any emotional discomfort will then pass more quickly because you’re not resisting it or escalating it.

This will help you intuitively identify your 10% truth in the situation. Ask yourself what you’re avoiding in yourself by pushing this point? Most likely, you’ll see that it usually involves owning something imperfect and vulnerable about yourself that you want to hide.

At this point it seems easier to own it than to face going further down the rabbit hole. This is the gift of the messiness, it helps you get real if you know where to look.

Deflating your partner’s 90%

Take a risk if you sense that your partner is getting lost in their mind’s 90% bullshit and trying to hook you into their drama. Identify and own YOUR part in the 10% truth, because it will be there.

This truth is why the two of you unconsciously chose to be in relationship with each other so take the risk and show up here. Doing so will change the fabric of your relationship. Telling the truth, no matter how challenging it might appear from the outside, will reward you with an inner strength that is worth the risk.

The truth in you will help your partner to reconnect with what is true in themselves, if they can hear it.

Taking a breath and getting grounded helps you get present with what you’re saying and hearing.

It helps you realise that there is nothing you really need to prove, protect, defend or hide.

When you get this, you’ll find that love arises, making it easier for you to each change what you’re saying into something useful. And to listen more clearly.

This creates greater intimacy and closeness rather than misunderstanding, pain and separation in your relationship. It allows you to see your messy couple communication as a potential gift rather than a threat.

This blog is an excerpt from our book Coming Together: Solving the Mystery of Intimate Relationship, to see it click the link.

If you would like any personal support in your Couple Communication email us here.

Letting Go Of The Fairy Tale…

July 5, 2018 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

We’ll show you how letting go of the fantasy of happy ever after in your relationship

Can be the best thing that ever happened to it!

Despite how modern we’ve become, unless we’ve turned fashionably cynical, most of us still carry in our minds the old-fashioned idea of the perfect fairy tale relationship that’s happy-ever-after.

It looks a unique way for each of us but it has the same flavour of effortlessness.

We come to a relationship believing that if we find the right person, claim ownership of them, then set up house and have a family, we’ll somehow smoothly grow old together into our twilight years…all the way to a shared burial plot.

Holding onto this childish fantasy makes us lazy.

We take our relationship, our partners and even love itself for granted, making them our last priority instead of our first.

It’s like we believe that once we’re in a relationship, everything will magically be OK because we love each other.

We do the same with our sex lives, believing they should just happen spontaneously.

Yearning for this impossible mental picture drains our energy and attraction for what’s real, causing us to, consciously or unconsciously, demean what we have or look around for something better.

But real-life relationships don’t have to be less than perfect.

They can actually be better than we’ve ever imagined – literally beyond our wildest dreams!

Having an ideal fantasy makes the future seem safe and comforting, because we assume it’s certain.

Yet it’s as if we’re saying to life, “I know what’s coming, I know what to do and I don’t need any help.”

We close ourselves off to the vast potential of life that’s so much more than our minds could plan.

We keep trusting in the fantasy, rather than in ourselves and in love.

How about trusting in what’s real instead?

Falling in love with what’s here and now,

and with not needing to know

opens us up to the magic of what lies beyond us.

What do we mean by magic?

Magic is things that happen mysteriously and are impossible to explain or understand.

This magic could be newness, surprise, chance, serendipity or merely coincidence but it adds interest, and even enchantment into our relationships.

It can also refer to the surprising changes that occur from putting in some hard work and commitment.

Trusting in love means we don’t need the safety of knowing the end result, we know that what we most desire lives on the other side of fear and certainty.

Trusting that each step we take in the here and now creates the next step, and the next. And that each step creates our future.

What is it that you’re putting into your relationship right here and now?

Openness, energy, desire, honesty, curiosity, creativity, playfulness, vulnerability, courage, humility or love?

For ways to move from fairy tale to real and lasting love join us for one of our Couples Retreats.

Activity: Letting Go Of The Fairy Tale

Recognize and be willing to grieve the loss of your idealized fantasy relationship. For relationship to last your childlike ideals must die in the face of reality so that what is genuine, authentic and magical way beyond anything your limited mind will come up with can grow. Take a breath, relax, nothing is wrong here.

Together or separately write all your dreams of perfection down on a piece of paper. The more you come up with the better. This might bring some fear and quite deep sadness, depending on how attached you’ve been to your fantasy, know this is healthy. Just let yourself have a good cry if you need to.
Light a candle in a safe place and burn your paper.
Imagine leaving these limitations safely behind you with a fresh new page appearing for you to create on.

Touching Men & Women Differently

September 13, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

As you may have noticed Men’s and Women’s bodies are different…

On the outside, the inside and in how they work.

When it comes to the way we like being touched we’re quite different too.

There are reasons for this, it’s how our bodies are wired, women magnetically and men electrically, we just need to learn how to make the most of them. Of course, as individuals we’re all unique in what we like but we can start with some common ground:

A Woman’s Body

A woman’s body is magnetic in its energy, attracting all over sensations in order to build the high level of sexual intensity she is capable of. Her sexuality is built of many layers and like a crockpot she is at her best over time. Her body works from the outside in, from the top of her head and the tips of her fingers and toes to her centre.

Touching a woman you start from the outside and work slowly towards the centre. Imagine she has a bikini on and the parts covered by the bikini are where you touch last. Stroking the less obvious places like her face, the back of her neck, her ams, hands, feet, inner thighs and buttocks all add to her sexual fire.

In touching her breasts and her sexual centre- her Yoni (the outer and inner parts of a woman’s genitals) you do the same- start from the outside and work your way in, it’s easy when you approach her in this way. Touching her breast, you start at the outside, holding the whole breast in your hand then slowly stroke your way to its apex, the nipple. With her Yoni you start outside with her belly, thighs and pubic area. Then move to her perineum (between the vagina and anus), outer lips, inner lips, clitoris, then move inside. Inside you begin at her entrance and move to the GSpot and the A and O Spots if desired.

Given time and proper awakening woman is capable of high states of bliss- where relaxation, pleasure and love merge into one. She is capable of orgasms in many different places, many times over, even in her heart and soul. She is capable of ejaculation, a clear, sweet smelling liquid released from her Prostate gland through the urethra, with or without orgasm. Ejaculation can be a few mls up to a few cups, squirted or flowing.

Her sexual energy is magnetic, attracting and negative in quality. Lovemaking transforms it positive, which is why after sex a woman often has an excess of energy and wants to talk or get up and take on the world. Her sexual energy is endless when fully awakened.

This awakening can take anywhere from a few minutes to hours, up to a lifetime.

A Man’s body

A man’s sexuality has traditionally been thought of as straight forward as a microwave- 2-3 mins and beep, beep, beep, he’s done, with his ejaculatory orgasm the apex of his experience. And that for him sex and love are completely separate. This is a gross misunderstanding and merely the outcome of his conditioning rather than his ultimate sexual reality. Man’s sexual energy is electrical, positive and discharging in nature.

In fact, he is capable of equal and matching sexual intensity to a woman, including her capacity for multiple orgasms, both with and without ejaculation. He can have both full bodied pleasure and orgasms without even a hint of an erection or needing to ejaculate, though he most likely doesn’t know it yet.

In touching a man’s body you start as his sexual centre- at his penis, cock or Lingam (wand of Light- yes, guys you have a light sabre between your legs!). You start at his centre and invite him to spread his sexual pleasure through the rest of his body, rather than remaining and being released from here. You help him in this by stroking one hand from his Lingam across the rest of his body, inviting his sensations and attention to follow, whilst keeping your other hand on his Lingam, his sexual power centre. Beginning at his centre he can relax, open and expand, seeing that he doesn’t need to wait until those few moments at the end for his pleasure.

In connecting with his sex centre this way he feels he has permission to more freely share of his heart, that he has no need to keep it separate and protected. It gives him an experience of his body that is not filled with tension and the primal need to release. Reminding him to breathe deeply and fully will help his pleasure to expand through his body.

Man’s lovemaking transforms his electrical energy negative and is why it can be draining for him if he constantly discharges it from his body. This is where Tantric style lovemaking, which has him move his energy up through his body allowing him to charge his body with it and retain it when he ejaculates is a more restorative pathway.

This awakening can take anywhere from a few minutes to hours up to a lifetime.

Now that you understand the differences between Men and Women’s bodies go play and see the results!

You might find yourself experiencing more orgasmic pleasure as a result!

To see more ways to touch each other see Tantra Massage.

If you’d like to learn more come along to our weekend workshop soon!

Best Ever Intimacy & Sex

August 22, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

This means dealing with the great debilitator – shame…

You wouldn’t think that a relationship built on mutual love and pleasure would have anything to do with the most icky and Man in shame uncomfortable feeling we as humans are emotionally capable of would you, Yet it does! This feeling is shame. In intimate relating we find ample opportunities for both creating shame and for healing it, particularly in our sexual intimacy. Dealing positively with shame will take your intimacy and sexual pleasure to a whole new place.

What actually is shame? Shame is a feeling of going blank or numb, of wanting to hide, to disappear, even cease to exist. Shame carries thoughts of being wrong, or not good enough in some way, even in every way. The pain of shame is what causes us to disconnect from ourselves, our power and our light, to be less than who we are. Shame is one of the great unspokens in the world and it’s not actually intimacy we fear but the shame that lies within it.. Deny it though we might, shame is alive and well under our shiny, all together surfaces to one degree or another.

It is this belief in our innate wrongness or inadequacy that creates our deepest blocks to real intimacy (in-to-me-see).

Intimacy and the potential for shame coexist. To create intimacy, we need to expose ourselves, leaving us open to feeling shame. Shame disconnects us from ourselves, and we can only create intimacy with another to the extent we’re connected with ourselves. All the love and best intentions in the world cannot prevent moments of shame simply because in intimacy you have two different people seeking to connect their differences in the one place in order to be seen, understood, respected and loved. Our fear of shame keeps us from seeking the intimate connection we crave. It also prevents our surrendering fully to pleasure.

The joke here is that all of us are wrong.

Humans are about as imperfect a species as you can get! Yet it is in our imperfections that our perfections lie, it’s where we find as much of a meeting place as in the love and perfection we strive for. Shame is about wanting to hide, so it makes sense that healing shame is through its opposite- through openly sharing ourselves with another, inviting love into our shame.

Shame can be healthy of course, it is important to acknowledge the shame we feel when we’ve done something wrong so we’re motivated to correct it. What we refer to here is toxic shame that serves no real purpose apart from separating us from who we are.

For some, shame is a blip on the radar, for others it is a daily nightmare. Our shame gives us our core beliefs, even if we would rather die than admit to them.

Core beliefs such as:

I am wrong/bad
I’m not good enough/not enough
I’m not important
I’m not loved/wanted
I don’t matter
I’m a failure
I’m invisible
I’m unworthy/worthless
I’m powerless/unsafe
I’m alone/don’t belong
I’m different/crazy
I’m too much
I’m bad for wanting to be sexual

In our desire to avoid the icky, uncomfortable feeling of shame we understandably develop an armoury of strategies to keep us safe from it.

Shame Avoidance Strategies:

Intellectualizing, staying in our mind keeps us safe
Tensing up and contracting in our bodies
Disconnecting from ourselves to avoid feeling
Not breathing, or breathing shallowly
Focussing on things outside of ourselves such as work, kids, social media
Avoiding our sexuality or having sex in a tense and defensive way
Dumping our shame on others through criticizing, judging or shaming them
Going into anger, fear or sadness to mask our shame
Numbing ourselves with any number of addictions to avoid intimacy
Seeking to be perfect as in perfection there is no shame (even though perfection is unattainable)
Being unwilling to trust each other, for if we don’t reach out there is no risk of shame
Keeping ourselves small, not taking risks, keeping our mask of persona firmly intact and not allowing our real selves to be seen
Not having boundaries- not having to say no, allowing our partners to steam roll us
Being in our Super Hero- when we’re larger than life shame can’t find us

Shame Busting Activities:

It’s vital to know that avoiding shame is avoiding relationship, it’s avoiding intimacy and sexual pleasure beyond our wildest dreams. So what can we do to minimize the impact shame has on our intimate relationships? As you’ve seen, avoiding shame doesn’t work. Instead, try playing with some of these shame busters that will help you reconnect with yourself…

Play with becoming empowered in shame. The next time you feel embarrassed or shamed rather than making it wrong, turn it around and make it ok. Connect with the feeling, move towards it and say to yourself ‘It’s ok to feel shame’, as making shame ok helps to disempower it. Take a few deep breaths and let the embarrassment flow out of you. If you can stay present with it, even if just for a few moments, and know that it is connecting you with your humanity and your core self, your shame will shift into love.
Take risks with shame- where you want to close be willing to open, where you want to hide be willing to show up and deal with your shame as in no.1.
Share some, or all of your shame story with your partner (or a non judgemental friend). Own it as your experience. Sharing with another helps you get reconnected to your humanity. Remember staying open to the feeling as you share allows shame to shift.
If your partner shames you, take control by agreeing with them! Say ‘yes, sometimes I can be an idiot’ or whatever they’re attempting to lay on you and have a laugh at it, find the freedom in your humanity! The power lies with the one who can laugh at and accept themselves as the truly are.
Because our sexuality is layered in cultural and personal shame being willing to own your sexuality as a positive thing is a HUGE shame buster. Own your sexuality by believing it is beautiful, even sacred, giving yourself permission to have pleasure, create it for yourself and sharing it. Rather than blocking shame out and locking it into your body, feel any that comes up during sex and move beyond it, allowing your sexual energy to flow more freely.
Shame busting will also make it easier to reduce your own shaming behaviours (and yes, we ALL have them) because in not running away from your own shame you’ll know directly how bad it feels. Reducing shaming behaviours in your relationship will make it a happier, more respectful and loving place to be.
When you want to act out an addiction feel the shame that lies beneath it, release it then make a choice about your behaviour from a clearer place.

So are you ready to bust shame in your relationship (and in your life)? The gifts are never ending…

Owning Your Shadow

June 7, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Owning your shadow is the most powerful thing you can do for your relationship…

When we first fall in love it seems we are perfect for each other. As time goes by you see the cracks beneath the surface where they seem not so perfect for you, but in fact they still are. It just means its time to start owning your shadow.

Because even though at a conscious level we choose someone to be in relationship with, the attributes that live our unconscious mind even more powerfully choose someone for us who is most able to activate our shadows.

Our shadows are the parts of us we hide from ourselves. They’re the parts of us that we have decided are unacceptable and we need to hide them or we won’t be loved.

They can be negative traits or even positive ones. We hid the positive ones because they were unacceptable to our family, culture or religion of origin.

But what we hold in shadow leaves us feeling incomplete, always lost and looking for what is missing.

We can look for it by our neediness and in our addictions- to each other, to love, sex and the list goes on. But the answer isn’t there, it’s in us.

Our partners show us our shadows by unconsciously triggering us into feeling them.

They do this by pissing us off. When our partners are pissing us off they’re actually giving us a gift.

We find it by looking at ourselves rather than pointing the finger and trying to change them. For pointing the finger and trying to ‘fix’ our partners or our relationship is where most relationships start to fall over. Over time when our partners are no longer willing to accommodate us, or us them, is when relationships end. We miss the gifts they offer us along the way, gifts that will take us deeper into connection rather than push us away.

How do we recognize our shadows?

When your partner pisses you off drop your righteous ego and instead of focussing on their behaviour, what they’re doing wrong and how they should fix it to stop you from hurting instead look at your own feeling for the answer. This feeling will be one we’ve tried to shut down in ourselves and accessing it will take our relationship much further than blaming our significant other. This doesn’t mean we have to accept any and all behaviour our partners give us, far from it. It just allows us to sort it from a clear, untriggered place.

Owning Your Shadow Practice:

(a) Centre and ground yourself with your ABC and think of something your partner, (or even ex-partner, parent, anyone) does that pisses you off or hurts you the most. Take the time to really flesh out this experience in your mind- how are they looking, what are they saying/doing and find the feelings that always come along with it.

(b) Detach the image of your partner from your mind and focus on your own feeling instead.

(d) Trust this feeling has a message for you and go into it to see what lies inside it- notice whether there is there a word, an image or another feeling you can identify

(e) Ask yourself what is this calling forth in you? Keep going deeper until you find the original pain point in you.

(f) You’ve got it when you see it is really nothing about your partner at all but something in you.

(g) Ask yourself what does this need to be healed in you- just acknowledgement, something you need to express, a new belief or behaviour to choose? What support do you need to do so? Can you imagine it in your mind’s eye and give it to yourself? (Your mind cannot tell the difference).

(h) The next time you observe this behaviour in your partner notice how you can choose to respond differently and create a better outcome in the same situation.

With major triggers that have a lot of emotion or layers in them we may need to do this process a few times to get it all.

How do you know when a shadow has been fully seen and owned?

The first step is you being able to see it.
The second is that you feel like it controls you.
The next step is being able to see it with some detachment and less emotionality.
When it’s fully shifting you might experience an inner feeling of a letting go, or ‘shift in yourself.
Sometimes you can ‘see’ in imaginary veil clearing before your eyes as you move out of illusion into greater clarity.
You can sit in ease in situations that in the past would have triggered intense emotion.
You feel open to the other person in the situation yet without attachment to any ‘stuff’- yours or theirs.
You can see your shadow and have a really good laugh at yourself.
You can play out owning your shadow in your sex lives, (with a consenting lover) eg. the bad boy/bad girl, the naïve innocent, the powerful dominant etc.

If you need support in seeing and owning your shadow contact Annette or Graeme via email or PH 1800 TANTRA.

Talking About Sex: Making It Easier

May 4, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

We’re all unique when it comes to sex.

That’s why talking about sex is so important.

Here we help you explore what it is that you want actually want from sex and how to go about talking about it- outside of sex, during sex, when things aren’t working in sex, after sex, even around the children!

So let’s talk about sex, baby!

Even in this supposedly sexually open era few couples actually feel comfortable in talking with each other about what’s happening in their bedrooms, it’s still a very sticky subject. Sex for purely for pleasure and intimacy purposes is a pretty recent invention and it makes sense that we’re still learning how to talk about it. In our culture, sex is used in marketing everything from alcohol to tractors, so it is not difficult to imagine the confusion that people feel in not being able to discuss it openly and honestly with their lovers. So if this is you, you’re not alone. Difficulty in talking about it is totally understandable due to the socially conditioned shame we all carry about sex, which is either supported or undermined by the underlying dynamics of your own personal history and level of relationship intimacy.

But if you want a better sex life then finding a way to get through this fear and talking about it is essential.

Here are some tips to help THAT conversation:

Going about it the right way can mean simply having a conversation about sex can be a fulfilling sexual experience.

Starting with discussing this post and exploring the bigger picture may help.

Know that Yes, it may be uncomfortable, embarrassing, icky and scary but have no expectations, take some deep breaths and gently jump in.

Have no doubt your partner will be just as scared and embarrassed as you.
Pick a time and place with some space and privacy and especially not during sex.
Be willing to share first and take a level of risk that feels doable for you.
Simply owning your fear and embarrassment, admitting this is important for you and you feel unsure how to start IS a good start.

Do you see sex as one or more of these:

A source of love and connection, an unconditional giving and receiving?
A chance to de stress and relieve tension?
An inner exploration where learn something new about yourself?
A seeking of excitement and pleasure, of being on your edge?
A source of fantasy fulfilment where you act out your fantasies?
A fulfilment of your spiritual hunger to merge and be at one with all things, the end of separation, accessing other dimensions?
Self affirmation through giving your partner pleasure?
Maintenance sex, where you like to enjoy the things you’ve found that work, keeping it easy without lots of effort?
A healing of unmet intimacy needs, sexual shame or conditioning?
A way to enhance your physical and emotional wellbeing through energy generation?

Discuss what you mean by your answers and try to be as specific as you can, as this helps your partner to understand where you’re coming from.

Try not to force any outcomes just make it an exploration of where you’re both at, with the mindset that taking a step back to see more clearly may take you forward in a way beyond your wildest imagination.
Don’t be afraid to admit your own fears and short comings in sex, your partner will have their own and sharing them in a nonjudgmental setting can help

Getting specific about your sex together:

Discuss a little bit at a time if this is easier, you don’t have to make it a whole big conversation if this is too much.
Keep it as light as possible. There may be moments of challenge but you can also enjoy it.
Begin with compliments. Never underestimate the power of appreciation in this vulnerable place.
Have an intention to simply explore and understand. Rather than having an agenda of trying to get your partner to better meet your needs by telling them what they’re doing WRONG! (It’s amazing how many people think this approach will work…have been guilty of it ourselves in the past) Your partner will feel your agenda and your judgement, they’ll start out defensive and it will go downhill from here! The outcome of a gentler and more positive approach is totally the opposite, it’s likely to be your partner wanting to serve you better with more understanding and ease between you. We cannot overstate the importance of this approach.
It’s not easy but don’t take their comments personally, their comments show more about them than you.
Be curious about your lover’s experience rather than judgmental.
Discuss a little bit at a time if this is easier.
If you don’t know what it is that you want for yourself, try some self pleasuring and explore yourself to find out.
Get clear on what are your/your partner’s signals for wanting sex, and also get clear on what is NOT a signal. Talk about it.
Discuss what you would like more of/less of.
If you have any concerns, sandwich them between a layer of positives and offer a replacement suggestion so your lover has somewhere to go with it.
Share what are your ‘quickie turn ons”, what fills up your sexy tank if you’re starting out a bit flat? We each have them, they will be unique to us, find ones you can share.
Are there any times when your body is simply not available? Sharing these upfront reduces rejection.
What is your end game- how do you each like to finish? What works for each of you, can you combine them?

Ask questions of each other, be curious, explore possibilities.

Speak more of what you DO want than about what you don’t want.
Express desires but make no demands here as demands have only one of two responses- resistance or submission and submission creates resentment (unless you’re really into this!)
Most likely you will have a range of desires between you, go for a win/win situation.
Approach it from the place of being on the same team with both working towards a solution.

Sex = Children = No Sex

It’s funny how the gift of children that come from the act of sex seem to be the reason many people stop having sex after they arrive!

This is partly due to the place we keep sex in our minds- that it is private, embarrassing, naughty, dirty, or just noisy. And that kids shouldn’t know we’re doing it. It’s important to normalize sex, to make it part of family life, rather than keep it separate. It’s also vital that you’re relationship intimacy is not seen as less important than caring for your children’s needs. There is no reason why kids can’t be in the house whilst you’re making love (unless you’re wanting to get really wild and noisy, or otherwise complicated!). Open hearted pleasure that leaves you feeling great will nurture and uplift those around you as well. Talk about ‘parent time’ for loving each other or having cuddles. Set young children up with an activity to keep them occupied and if they happen to interrupt just tend to their need and come back, rather than give up or let your child get into bed with you. If you’re children are old enough to be up without supervision let them know you’re going to bed early to have some ‘connection time’ (no details needed). If you clearly hold sex in a place of importance and sacredness in yourself, your kids will do the same, even if they might smirk behind their hands whilst saying ‘Yuk’ they will ultimately highly value the positive role modelling you offer.

Talking about sex during sex:

It doesn’t have to be dirty talk (though this can add occasional spice!) but letting your partner know you’re loving what’s happening for you is a great way to build the intensity and deepen your connection, especially when done with eye connection. We all love being affirmed and this is a powerful place to be affirmed in. It can be as simple as “I’m loving that thing you’re doing with your tongue right now, it feels DELICIOUS! Oohs and Aahs are a good start but being specific (when you can engage your thoughts) incites even more energy into what is happening. Saying “I love you” with eye connection is very powerful.

Talking about what’s not working during sex:

When you’re actually in the moment keep your communication simple and direct.
Women generally fear speaking up about what they want but most men will love you for it if you leave the complaints out.
What men do fear is criticism in this tender place so rather than complaining about what is not working ask for what you do want instead. Eg. If you want a change say ‘this is ok and a little to the left would be even better!’ or ‘I’d love it if you could go a bit slower, that’s great, can you go even slower?’
Sometimes just taking your lover’s hand and putting it where you want it can be the most direct way.
Don’t expect your partner to remember every time as it can differ, just make it a habit of asking for what you want (ironically this takes the shame and frustration out of it and they’re more likely to remember).
If nothing is working it’s OK to pause, breathe and take the time to come back to a place of connection with yourselves and see what emerges from here. Don’t make it wrong. Don’t make your partner wrong. Don’t run away. Focus on what IS happening for you and share this ie. I’m feeling distracted, not really present, disconnected from myself, shutdown, left out, flat etc. Own this as your feeling, nothing to do with your partner (even the best technique in the world won’t get you there if you’re not available). If your partner is feeling something less than perfect don’t make it about you. As scary as it sounds stating what and allowing it to be ok can empower things to shift.

Talk after sex:

Just a simple ‘that was wonderful’ or ‘I love you’ can suffice immediately afterwards. A little later there is great benefit in sharing what you experienced for even though you may have felt totally in connection with one another we still have our own uniquely personal perspective. It’s also a great way to learn more for next time. This can include what you learned, what worked for you, and what challenged or didn’t work for you. Own your comments and speak from the heart.

Lastly, reassess your sexual map regularly, as like us, our sexual desires change over time.

If you would like any help in getting this conversation started give us a call on 1800 TANTRA or email us here

Vulnerability: Curse or Blessing?

April 17, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Vulnerability: The Blessing And The Curse of Intimacy

We’re caught in the trap of desiring intimacy but resisting vulnerability with all kinds of mind games and psychological protection. In the end we think it is easier to learn the skill of vulnerability…

We’ve been told that vulnerability is a scary, dangerous place. In fact, vulnerability is simply deep openness. It’s beautiful. In fact, it’s how we actually create intimacy. Without it we can share each other’s company, do things together and share common interests. But without it we stay on the surface of each other, and of ourselves. We repeat- vulnerability is the deep level of openness and availability that will make your relationship work. Being vulnerable means we’ve let our psyche’s emotional walls down, allowing ourselves to be seen- both by others and by ourselves. It can happen in moments of joy, such as at the birth of your child, being fully loved by another, being given a moment of grace when you feel most undeserving, as much as in moments of fear. In fact, it’s in the openness and space created by vulnerability that love can enter, we have to make space for it. Love can enter by itself and magically create a connection yet if you’re willing to make vulnerability a practice you will experience a much higher level of Big Love in your relationship, and in your life.

Vulnerability is always scary but any danger comes from our lack of understanding and inability in dealing with it. When we think of vulnerability we’re conditioned to think of something being wrong, that we’re literally in danger. Vulnerability has warning signs around it saying ‘don’t go there, don’t go there’. From here we make the logical choice to try and defend ourselves or attack that which is making us feel vulnerable. When we do this we miss out on the love, connection, healing and self-understanding that lies on the other side of our vulnerability.

The key in Vulnerability

Is if you can make the paradoxical choice to make your vulnerability ok and welcome it in our need to defend ourselves drops away.

When we make vulnerability ok, choosing to feel it, allow it, even welcome it in, we are in a very powerful place.

We’ve been taught that vulnerability is about exposing or opening ourselves up to another person, or to something outside of ourselves. We call this vulnerability without. In vulnerability without our focus is on opening ourselves outwards where we leave ourselves vulnerable to attack or rejection, especially if we are looking for something from the person we’re opening to. It is emotionally risky because in doing so we expose the mask of our most unfamiliar, helpless and wounded self.

From here we either:

Contract in our feelings, creating an experience of intense emotional and even physical pain
Go into a story to justify our fear or woundedness, whether it is true or not
Become desperate for the person we’re exposed to to validate or comfort us
Pick up on any potential threat in what our partner says or does and react, whether the threat is real, or our projection
Go on the offensive, attacking the other to stay safe in ourselves
Close down as soon as possible and put our defences back up

Many a relationship has been destroyed by attacks that come from the discomfort of this kind of vulnerability.

Vulnerability Within

on the other hand is opening in to ourselves, holding on to ourselves rather than to another. It is about literally opening inwards rather than opening out. This vulnerability within ourselves becomes a place of strength, going beyond our weakness to where we no longer feel the need to hide or protect ourselves. We find we are not weak and helpless but vast and powerful. We’re less dependent on our partner’s response. We’re totally emotionally open and available to ourselves and to our partners, even to love itself. We surrender to ourselves, our mind sinks into our heart. We’re freer and more connected to our essence.

We don’t say these things lightly

When we say vulnerability within ourselves leads us into experiences of more love than we ever dreamed possible we’re very serious. As a society we are becoming more physically comfortable, smarter and more in control of our ego selves and our world. We have an ever increasing number of ways to escape feeling discomfort. The byproduct of this shift is more loneliness and depression and missing out on the gifts Big Love can bring. We’re creating more external success but our question is, does this replace the value of Big Love itself? Experiencing Big Love, love beyond description is one of the benefits of facing our vulnerability.

If we stop buying into the fear stories of vulnerability we find it is a feeling like ‘come and get me world, do your worst because here I am, with no more walls and nothing more that can hurt me!’

What makes vulnerability uncomfortable is merely our resistance to it. The more willingly we embrace the power of vulnerability within the easier and more rewarding intimacy becomes.

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change” Brene Brown

Understand that if you only experience pain and not freedom in your vulnerability you have probably remained contracted in your feelings rather than fully dropping though them into the essence of you that lives underneath your pain and your story.

Holding on to yourself

is choosing to stay present with yourself and your feeling body whilst you show up, no matter what you feel. In this way intimate communicating becomes an act of self acceptance, validation and love, a way of maintaining your sense of self and becoming intimate and available in your relationship at the same time. This is the magic of intimacy.

In his wonderful book Passionate Marriage David Schnarch, Phd states that “Intimacy hinges on validating yourself rather than trusting your partner to make you feel safe.”

Making vulnerability OK and practicing taking your vulnerability within takes both courage and practice. Choose respectful places to practice your vulnerability in, places where you can hold onto yourself if it is unseen or rejected. Ask permission of the person you’re sharing with if they’re open to your sharing. You can start outside your relationship if with your partner feels too big, or start with subjects with manageable levels of vulnerability for both of you.

Vulnerability Practice:

When you are next sitting down with your partner (or a friend), practice your ABC, look them in the eye and notice what comes to you as something about yourself that would be challenging for you to share. Ask their permission first and choose to share it, using ‘I’ language. Share whatever it is without looking for any particular response. The importance is not what you are sharing but the opening you’re creating in yourself by sharing it. Hold onto yourself and validate yourself for going there. Don’t need your partner to do it for you, if they do see it as a beautiful bonus.

The magic in all of this is that because you are taking this risk in showing with your walls down and your partner is more than likely to feel drawn towards you rather than to reject us as you fear, for your exposure of your essence creates attraction. And if they do happen to reject you, you are ok because you are connected fully to yourself so there is no abandonment and little pain.

‘I’ language

Go to any personal development workshop and you will most likely be invited to speak in ‘I’ language. This happens for good reason. Our culture has a habit of saying ‘you’ when we really mean ‘I’ or ‘me’ that subtly disconnects us from feeling our own experience fully. Saying “I” also lets the other person hear us more easily as we are clearly talking about our own experience.
Make it a habit to practice ‘I’ language when talking about your own experience.

Your partner’s response: Remember your partner’s response is about them not you, just as your response is about you not them.

What we are responsible for is about us. Remembering this makes it easier to hold to ourselves when sharing.

Supporting someone in being vulnerable: If someone asks you to hear them share something vulnerable there is much you can do to support them:

Bring all of who you are into the moment:
Clear your mind
Connect with your body
Breathe into your heart
Gently focus your eyes on them
Be in silence
Don’t try to understand them at an intellectual level, let their words penetrate you, feel their heart
Feel what is behind their words
Meet them in who they are being
Validate them
Share what their sharing may have touched in you, which is a beautiful way of validating their offering.

“The way you become divine is to become wholly human”. Bishop Shelby Spong

If you would like to learn how to practice vulnerability within join us for one of our upcoming events here

The No.1 Tip to Keep Your Woman Wanting You

February 21, 2017 By Annette & Graeme 4 Comments

Keep your woman wanting you by touching her.

Your woman needs to be touched.

Something that often stands out for us is the way guys are missing one of the most basic rules in lovemaking.

Well, it’s more than a rule really, it’s a necessity!

What is even more surprising is that sometimes women don’t know this rule either…

Women need to be touched everywhere else before their genitals for them to work fully!

This is especially true in relationship sex- what we call sex for the long run. Any woman’s body that is not touched in lovemaking will sooner or later completely shut down, leaving her lover scratching his head wondering what happened.

This leaves him sadly buying into the belief, likely to be endorsed by his mates that a loss of interest in sex is “normal” in a woman. It is not.

A woman’s body is made to be touched, it’s not only luscious to look at its yearning to be fully appreciated.

Her body, not just Female sexuality more than just lingerie her vagina, needs to be penetrated with attention.

Anything else leaves her uninterested in sex and sometimes uninterested in her partner. It will also leave her more over emotional, critical even bitter; or cold, withdrawn and unapproachable.

A lack of touch makes her more interested in being with her kids where some of these needs for physical and emotional (not sexual) intimacy get met.

The interesting thing is that these people aren’t lacking in intelligence.

They’re smart, caring, creative and competent so it’s not that they aren’t capable of touching it’s just that they literally don’t know the importance.

And they’re not alone.

Why DON’T men touch?

Of course many men do touch, we’re looking here at the ones who don’t yet.

Survival of the species

A guy’s primal drive in sex, as it is in his life, is to produce.

To get to his goal as fast and as efficiently as possible. His primal urge to “get there” can override everything else in his pathway, leading him to ignore anything he perceives as distracting along the way.

And at its most basic level a woman’s pleasure, or anything beyond the perceived openness of her vagina, is not required for man to achieve his primal objective.

This is not an excuse but it is part of the reason behind a guy’s blindness in bed.

We’ve moved on from sex being merely about the survival of the species.

We’re now capable of sustained physical pleasure, emotional closeness and intimacy in sex, closeness and intimacy that men, given the opportunity, will admit they crave as much as women.

They just don’t know how to go about it, and the complexity of a woman’s body can be overwhelming.

Part of it is that men lack the quality information that can teach them.

Nowhere to learn from

Men have little opportunity to learn from others in their environment.

Open, honest conversations about sex and how it happens are as rare as hen’s teeth and mostly what we hear is disinformation about sex that perpetuates the stereotypes we labour under.

It’s one of the things we most love about our work- making these kinds of conversations possible.

Of course, pornography is the master of disinformation about sex- about truly satisfying sex at least.

Porn is great for titillation and getting us to the end point but terrible at showing us how to make the most of the bit in between.

Porn shows men penetrating women increasingly without any kind of touching beforehand and mistakenly portrays the women screaming in pleasure from the mere act of having a cock inside her.

Porn is teaching women too that she doesn’t need to be touched. A woman’s body doesn’t work that way.

Except on the occasions she is really hot with all systems firing and there’s usually reasons behind this other than just the immanent sex.

Cultural conditioning

Men grow up in the bullshit culture of how men should be big, strong and tough, not sensitive or ‘girly’, primed for fighting rather than loving, leaving them numb in their bodies and less sensitive to touch than they’re capable of.

Believe us guys, the more sensitive you become (without losing yourself) the more powerfully masculine you become where it counts- in the lingam (cock) and in the heart.

Men often grow up in an environment where touching, even non sexual touching wasn’t a normal part of daily life for them.

Such as hanging out on the couch together, having hugs, being held when they’re sad or even being kissed goodnight at bedtime.

It can be true for women as well. This kind of touch may even have been shamed.

Growing up with a lack of touch makes it difficult to know what it feels like and what its benefits are.

Performance based touch

When men do take the time to become good at touching a woman they’re unfortunately taught to “turn her on”.

As Leonard Cohen so powerfully sang “I didn’t know how to feel so I learned how to touch”.

A man can even believe he knows how to touch so well that his woman ‘should’ like it, no matter what.

This external touch can leave a woman feeling pressured to perform in order to validate his skill and feeling manipulated rather than fulfilled no matter how pleasure she has.

It limits the connection possible in truly intimate lovemaking.

Men also carry shame about their sexual needs and often have anger towards women who as they see it, don’t provide for their needs.

This leaves them resentful about having to “give” touch in return.

Men haven’t been taught how to take responsibility for their own sexual needs and having unsatisfying sexual relationships makes this worse.

Not knowing what is possible

And finally it’s just that most people don’t know what is possible in sex, beyond having a “genital sneeze” type orgasm.

In the rush for the mechanics the intimacy in sex is lost. In relationship sex in the absence of intimacy much of the pleasure is lost.

And why do women accept it?

A woman is primally driven to open and receive in sex.

This leaves her without a voice to ask for what it is that she needs for her own arousal and continues to happen despite the growth in women’s liberation elsewhere in life.

It leaves her lover in the dark operating on instinct leaving her to just “go along” and hope that it’s over soon.

Woman’s strength has been in her capacity to endure rather than her ability to speak up.

She knows intuitively there is more but she is at a loss in how to create it, and with today’s orgasm performance based sex so much the norm she can even doubt her instincts.

So how DO you touch a woman in sex?

Begin getting into your own body first so she can feel you.

By touching her outside the bedroom to help her get into her feeling body too- not groping, just relaxed touch without an agenda.

Then by asking her.

Ask questions to make sure you understand her fully.

Dropping any expectations of a result, just enjoy each moment.

Don’t be afraid to ask for feedback as you touch her, not from a place of insecurity but from caring- would you like it slower/faster/softer/firmer/to the right/left etc.

And keep asking. She will love you for it.

If she really doesn’t know, start with kissing her a lot.

Then follow the basic idea of imagining she has a bikini on and touching her everywhere else but under her bikini.

Particularly the back of her neck, her head and her hair, her breasts (all of them not just her nipples), over her heart, her lower back, buttocks and inner thighs. For more see Tantric Touch

Once you arrive at her genitals (or yoni as we like to call it which means sacred space) take the same approach- touch from the outside in- pubic mound, outer labia, perineum, inner labia, clitoris, entrance to her vagina, gspot and aspots (at cervix).

If she’s liking it do more of it, at the same speed or keep coming back to it.