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Trying to Create Change in Relationship is Hard

August 8, 2023 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

We’ll show you why failing isn’t a time to blame yourself…

In the information age there is SO much information out there to help us get what we want.

We can instantly Google information on any topic we need and get thousands, if not millions of responses.

A search on YouTube instantly reveals videos on absolutely any topic. From how to install venetian blinds to stopping your partner from snoring, to how to never be boring in conversation!

On relationships and sex too

We can find information on relationships from how to recover from infidelity to how to attract your soulmate. From how to balance the power dynamic in your relationship to learning your attachment style.

We can discover how to find your GSpot, and how to make the most of anal sex. Even snuff sex, tea bagging and more than you can ever possibly want to know.

All at the click of a button

Information can make us feel better because we feel like we’re doing something.

Afterall, knowledge is power.

We’re in information overload

But it’s a passive kind of action as we’re just taking information in, we’re not necessarily doing anything with it. Just letting our over clogged brains categorise it and file it, often never to be seen again. Information can help us fantasise about getting what we want, it helps by soothing our nervous systems for a while.

Yet, we need to DO something

Quality information can inspire us to actually DO something and make the changes in our lives we’re looking for.

Until the custom made settings in our psyches reassert themselves and we fall back into old habits.

And then we sadly often see ourselves, or our partners, as the cause of this failure. We judge ourselves, or them, as being inadequate or faulty.

Yet our failures are more often about not understanding the process of change, than not being able to change. (And yes, we realise that this is MORE information to take in!)

Change takes more than taking information in

It requires us to take action.

And the best actions are backed up by having a well rounded plan that includes all the different aspects of change that true change requires. Including the parts where we might look like we’re failing, but we’re really not.

Planning successfully for change

Step 1. Recognise that you don’t want what is happening any more. Like you really don’t want it.

Step 2. Recognise that the pain of staying the same is greater than the fear, or the pain of change. This is an incredibly freeing place to get to.

Step 3. Discover what you really desire instead. Our desires can absolutely lead us in the direction we need to go. Even more than focussing on fixing what is wrong. Because we can get stuck on focussing on what is wrong and simply keep creating more of it.

Step 4. Formulate a clear and achievable goal, composed of your core desires. Along with any important accompanying smaller desires that arise in the process. Getting high quality information about your goal so that it feels actually achievable.

Step 5. Spend time exploring the 5 senses reality of what achieving your goal will look, feel, sound, taste and smell like. This is more than just mental fantasy. This is harnessing the power of the universe at a primal level.

Step 6. Believe in the possibility of your achieving this goal. Because if you don’t believe it, it won’t happen. This can be done by reflecting on areas in your life where you have already achieved a similar goal. Or where you have gained a real sense of achievement in any area of your life. This is so you start out feeling like a winner.

Step 7. Get clear about your obstacles, so you can be motivated to surmount them to take action.

Step 8. Bring unaligned pieces of your body mind (usually held in your subconscious) into alignment. This is so they don’t sabotage your efforts along the way.

Step 9. Feel worthy and deserving of achieving your goal by clearing out any opposite beliefs/feelings.

Step 10. Develop a clear map of the inner and outer work needed to achieve your goal. Then developing a plan of action to put those into your life.

Step 11. Setting up accountability, so you actually take the steps you have planned to.

Step 12. Celebrating your achievements along the way, large and small to keep you motivated.

This is the true value of having external support to hold space for you while you do this work of creating change. It applies whether you want to create more connection in your relationship, resolve unhealthy power dynamics or have more orgasms!

The most successful people in life have some kind of external support.

Support to:

help them thoroughly explore and get clear on their desires
formulate achievable goals
believe this goal is truly possible for them
clear any resistance to achieving their goal (that they couldn’t uncover by themselves)
bring into alignment any inner parts of them not on board
magnify their self worth and deservability
develop a clear plan of action
keep them accountable
celebrate the changes that they do make
be open to magic (surprise opportunities that come along)

Dealing with roadblocks

External support can provide a reminder that when we create change we will automatically create pushback. Either in ourselves, or in others.

A western view of this is that our psyches have a set point, just like our fridges do. When we put a whole load of new foods into our psyche in the form of change, we challenge it. Our psyche will work hard to return to its former set point (colder temperature). It takes continued change to create a new normal, or a new set point.

An eastern viewpoint of this is that the universe will challenge us to really own what we want. It will do this by creating affronts to our new beliefs or actions as if to say “Are you really serious about this? Show me.” An affront might look like us deciding we are worthy of a goal. Then having someone immediately put us down and say “Who do you think you are to want this?”

Roadblocks are part of change rather than obstacles

In either case, continuing to affirm the changes we are making is the fastest route to real change. As is seeing the challenges as part of the change rather than an obstacle to it.

The other important aspect of change that having external support can help you with is celebrating the changes that do happen. Sometimes we can be so focussed achieving the end result we can forget to celebrate the steps along the way. Celebration has been scientifically proven to be highly motivating. When it’s real, no matter how small.

And remembering to have some fun along the way. This helps relax our nervous systems and make them ready for new challenges. Fun makes change happen more quickly and can allow more magic to happen!

Real change is not a quick fix

So if you are wanting to create change in your life, don’t beat yourself up if it doesn’t happen straight away.

Know that real change is a process, not a quick fix. Especially in a relationship. Where one person might be trying to change alone. Or both people might be trying to change together.

Supporting people to create lasting change is our passion

If you would like some support to be successful in creating the change you want contact us here or on 1800 TANTRA.

Managing Stress In Your Relationship

March 16, 2023 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Where tantra meets neuroscience…

It’s a good time right now to talk about managing stress, as there is plenty of it going around…financially, emotionally and relationally…

In the current world climate, it can be easy to find yourself shouting at your partner and hating the very sight of them. You might be believing they’re somehow failing you, or you are somehow failing them. You might be feeling unsafe, rather than wanting to be close, loving and intimate. You might be feeling stuck, rather than free, easy, holding space for your partner and yourself to be just as you are…

To manage stress, even to become a master of stress resiliency, you first need to understand it. This is where neuroscience can help.

Neuroscience reminds us there are two facets of stress- both the stress and the stressor.

And there are two kinds of solutions- the external and the internal.

Let’s start with understanding the difference between the stress and the stressor.

The stressors are the things that activate a stress response in your body, by indicating they can do you harm.

A stressor can be anything you see, hear, smell taste, touch, feel or imagine.

A stressor can be external to you:

a difficult conversation with your partner or your boss
a bill arriving in your Inbox
the latest home loan interest rate rise
an expectation of your culture for you to behave a certain way as husband, or wife
a smell that reminds you of an unpleasant encounter
an unwelcome touch
a reasonable request for attention from your partner that you do not have the energy to meet.

There are also internal stressors:

self criticism
lack of self worth
lack of sleep
unresolved feelings from your last argument
memories
uncertainties about the future.

The stress is the neurological and physiological shift that happens when you meet one of these stressors.

It’s the rush of neurological and hormonal activity generated by your body, in its evolutionary adaptive response that helps us survive threats. Where we become instantly more switched on, focussed in the moment, ready to deal with whatever looms before us.

Whether it’s to run, fight or freeze.

We also experience a range of feelings such as annoyance, frustration, anger, anxiety, uncertainty, fear, numbness, sluggishness, disconnected.

Our entire body and mind changes in order to deal with this threat, perceived or real.

As we know, most of our threats are more psychological than physical these days. Unless you are unlucky enough to be a victim of a crime or domestic violence.

Once our stress response sees that it has been successful in dealing with the threat it relaxes, and there is relief or celebration. We then return to our normal resting and sociable state. All is right with the world and we once again feel safe.

Our stress response is built to be a short term response.

It’s meant to be immediately resolved.

Our stress response is not meant to be long term.

In modern life we have fewer life threatening stressors, but many more frequent ones.

Frequent small stressors make relationships complicated.

Because we might want to run away from our partner at times, in order to resolve our stress.

Or to throw our wine in their face or strike out at them in the perceived (and occasionally real) threat they represent to us.

Yet we can’t.

We’re supposed to be nice, connected and loving.

And to stay in relationship with this person.

So we need more effective ways of dealing with the situation rather than just relying on our stress response.

Particularly as unresolved stress becomes chronic.

Our stress response keeps activating and we become stuck in the stress cycle. Boredom in the bedroom

We can unconsciously start to see our partner as a source of threat, rather than one of love, support and desire.

Leaving us feeling unsafe.

Making us want to protect ourselves, rather than reach out.

Chronic stress has many physical impacts

Chronic stress can leave us with high blood pressure and heart disease. It can have us reaching for the antacid tablets as the blood rushes to our muscles rather than our gut. This is so we can flee or fight, rather than our stomach digest, a secondary concern in times of stress. Blood doesn’t flow to our genitals as much either, for that matter. Chronic stress also leaves our immune functioning lowered and our sleep poor. Overall leaving us less equipped to deal with, or enjoy life.

Chronic stress can also leave us effectively “playing dead”. When the gazelle can no longer out run the lion, it plays dead. This is in the hope the lion will lose interest and leave it alone. In chronic stress playing dead can leave us feeling stuck and unmotivated, with no answers, nor ability to find any.

The impact of unresolved stress is pretty damning.

So how do we deal with BOTH the stress and the stressor?

We approach it from two different angles.

We find external solutions that deal with the stressor.

ie. we find the modern day equivalent of running from the lion.

We refinance our home loan, adjust our budget spending, change jobs, take time out until we can re-engage with our loved one, or we ask for help.

We make the time to share with our partners what is going on for us. We make the effort to listen non judgmentally when our partners share. We come back to a place of connection.

Even more importantly, we find internal solutions to clear the stress.

The physiological impact of stress that we still carry in all parts of our bodies. Even our hearts, minds and genitals.

The good news is that clearing our stress internally allows us to come up with easier external solutions. This is because we come back into safety and connection with more of our executive brain function.

Let’s get physical

We can do this firstly by getting physical. It’s the most efficient way to deal with stress. Hula hoop boundaries

Doing between 30-60 mins of exercise a day, in whatever form works for you. Whether it includes taking the stairs, going for a walk or run, having a game, doing a workout.

It’s even more efficient when we’re doing it with intent. Going for a run, or a bike ride, or dancing around the living room, actively knowing we’re releasing our stress.

There are other ways too.

Ways that are more tantric. Such as:

deep breathing
meditating
having a good cry (watch your fave weepy movie)
throwing a temper tantrum to safely release anger (in a private space)(very tantric!)
expressing your feelings creatively through journaling or art
getting a good nights rest
having positive social interactions. This is where connecting with your girlfriends, or your mates, can be a more effective stress reliever than your partner. (Provided you don’t just whinge about your partners.
having a good laugh (hang out with friends or watch your fave funny movie)

You can also choose to promote stress relief WITHIN your relationship

This kind of intimacy also works beyond the level of the mind to show you that you are once again safe.
Creating safety and connection at the same time.

You can do this through affection, by hugging each other until you’re BOTH relaxed for example.

Or lying together and deep breathing.

Or as relationship researcher John Gottman suggests, doing the six second kiss.

You need to connect to the part of you that still loves this person (trusting that you do in there somewhere) to be able to complete these suggestions.

You can even occasionally have sex to help relieve tension.

Be aware that having this kind of sex consistently drains energy from your pleasure, and from your relationship. It is much better for your sex life, and your relationship, to come to sex already relaxed and connected.

Each of these solutions are backed by scientific research.

They’re also supported by tantric philosophy that sees stress as withheld energy that needs clearing, making way for pleasure and connection to arise.

You’ll know you’ve cleared your stress because you’ll feel clear, alive, safe, ready and able to connect with the world again.

Bringing us home to ourselves, to life, and to each other again.

If you would like support to become stress resilient in your relationships contact us here and we’ll support you in finding your unique way forward.

Celebrating Your Relationship: What are the Benefits and How to do it

November 30, 2022 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Did you know that celebrating your relationship can actually enhance it??

Often when we actively focus on our intimate relationships we focus on what is wrong with them.

This might be because when everything is going ok we tend to put them on automatic pilot.

We unconsciously believe that our relationships will take care of themselves and that they will always be there when we want them. Kind of like falling back into our favourite old sofa with the faded cushions, or our favourite David Bowie tshirt worn soft with washing.

This is SO not true.

Our relationships are a reflection of ourselves.

And like us, they’re a force of nature that is always changing.

Our relationships are either growing or dying, they’re never standing still.

That’s why taking the time to celebrate them is a good thing.

It helps them to grow. Celebrating our relationships is like sprinkling them with a dose of water, sunshine and a dash of Miracle-Gro.

This might sound like a fairly superficial thing to do.

Yet researchers at Stanford University in the US have found celebration has such a positive effect it’s set to become the next big thing, the new wave of gratitude.

Why is this so?

Well, it’s partly because we so often focus on the negative, or fear producing parts of our relationships.

We do this because our minds most instinctive response is to protect us, to keep us safe, in order to procreate the species.

And to show us where change is needed. Fear = action = change.

The downside of this protection is that can make our relationships appear in our minds to be more negative than they really are. Which is reinforced by something called confirmation bias. Our minds keep looking for what is familiar that make it seem true. This is our tendency to interpret new evidence as confirmation of our existing beliefs or theories.

Which can lead us to feeling stuck in our relationships.

We just ruminate on the bad bits without actually doing anything constructive to change what’s not working.

a happy couple This mindset can also lead us to unconsciously see our partners as a source of pain, rather than one of love or pleasure. Which causes us to unconsciously put up walls to protect ourselves when we’re around them.

Which makes deep intimacy, the place where our walls come down a little (or a lot) so we can connect with each other, seem scary. At least, scarier than it otherwise might be.

Deep intimacy always involves a little bit of fear, because of its very nature. It’s more than just sharing our time, company and points of view. It’s about revealing parts of ourselves we otherwise keep hidden from the world.

So, celebrating our relationships works at many levels to enhance them.

Celebrating reminds us of what is good in our intimate relationships.

Celebration not only makes us feel good, it draws us closer together. Because it helps us to open our hearts. It even works on our unconscious mind. It helps this part of us to see our partner as a positive source of love and pleasure. This helps us drop our walls around them a bit more, creating more rewarding intimacy.

How DO we go about celebrating our relationships?

It doesn’t have to be anything large.

The main thing is that it is genuine.

It can be:

As simple as taking the time to hold your partner and look them in the eye. Then saying “Out of all the people in the world I’m really glad I am sharing my life with you
Reflect on some wonderful times you’ve had together (even if they were a long time ago).
Having dinner together, getting dressed up, making it a special occasion. Doing it with the intention of celebrating your relationship
Buying your partner some flowers, or a small, meaningful gift you made
Trying a new adventure activity together- hiking, skiing etc
Go out for ice cream in your pyjamas
Reflect on the your best lovemaking experience- what made it great?
Go to the beach and build a sandcastle that reflects your relationship
Read parts of a steamy novel to each other
Make love slooowly- whilst celebrating all the times you have made love together
Play hide and seek- spice it up!
Watch a sunset or gaze at the stars or the moon together
Do couples yoga
Play “never have I ever” and learn something new about each other
Write each other a love letter
Have a photo shoot, take playful shots of each other and make a collage
Do whatever it is that is fun for the two of YOU.

The Myth Called Porn Addiction

July 29, 2022 By Annette & Graeme 1 Comment

Porn addiction is a myth.

On numerous occasions, we have come across people in relationships who are struggling with what they believe is an obvious problem. They believe their problem is one partner’s addiction to big bad porn. We commonly find it is not actually the porn addiction that is the the problem. It is a symptom.

In his article “Why we Should Stop Calling Porn Addiction an Addiction”, Sex Psychology 2015, Dr. Justin Lehmiller has measured brain waves of drug addicts and porn users. He found that porn has the opposite effect on brain waves that drug addicts experience This indicated that porn should not be called an addiction, the word addiction should be replaced with something else.

Porn is easy to blame

It is confronting for couples to realise that blaming porn merely shifts the focus away from what is really going on in their relationship. It shifts responsibility to something that is cloaked in shame and conveniently easy to blame.

Anything which is done in secrecy and isolation usually leads to shame. Isolation and shame then make it difficult for those involved to share true intimacy with others. Especially with society turning up the heat by publicly blaming or shaming porn.

Many men are already afflicted by sexual shame, due to unresolved sexual projections from society, religion, the media and even therapists’ unresolved issues about sex. Demonising porn just makes it worse.

We believe that porn itself is not wrong

It’s the behaviours that go on around it that make it so.

Porn targets sexual desire and sexual vulnerability. It’s also reliable, and without fear or rejection, something sex in the real world is definitely not! It gives the watcher a place to indulge their desire for sexual variety without risking going outside their relationship. Porn creates a fantasy of fulfilled sexual desire, enticing with its easy access and its privacy. Particularly when the watcher doesn’t have to deal with any messy emotional crap. It can leave men thinking this is how all sex should be, instant gratification with little effort or emotion.

This pisses most women off, and rightly so.

Many men struggle with the emotional intensity of relationship. Not because they are incapable of feeling. But because they have been shamed about, or indoctrinated not to feel or express their emotions. It is important to understand that, given the opportunity, men are highly capable of emotional work. We see it all the time. Especially with the right motivation – the potential for truly fulfilling sex.

A different perspective

As a woman, you might be feeling the hackles on your neck standing up at this image of a man taking the easy way out. Take a moment to see things from his perspective, through an example a bit closer to home. The romance industry, widely available through movies, books, advertising and chats with your girlfriends is like porn. It exerts an equally manipulative effect on a woman, similar to the impact that porn has on men. Stories of instant attraction to a perfect man offering a woman everything her heart desires with very little real effort on her part is the female flip side of porn. These romantic fantasies have a similar “passive making” impact on women. They create many false expectations for men to live up to, and leave women frustrated when they don’t.

The difference is, romance has general society’s support and its effects slip beneath the radar. While men carry the worlds’ unconscious judgment and shaming of their desires for sex and porn. This adds even more intensity to their feelings of sexual shame and emotional inadequacy. Shaming any man about his porn habit is shaming the man deep into his core. This shame accumulates and can eventually shut him down, both sexually and emotionally. Leaving women frustrated at his increasing lack of availability.

Whether we like it or not, porn is spreading

According to Pornhub, women are the fastest growing demographic of porn consumers, especially younger women. Women are reported to watch porn out of curiosity, to spice up their sex lives and learn new techniques. Some women, like men, watch it to satisfy their lust. Children as well are becoming exposed to porn, and doing so at earlier ages due to its easy availability. This is a concern if they are viewing it without the context of real life sex to balance it with. Yet the vast majority of porn users remain men.

There are some positives with porn, as is it can be way to keep sexuality alive when sex is not available. It can also spice things up in the bedroom for a while… But, by targeting these desires, pornography creates a fantasy experience for the watcher that will still ultimately leave them “high and dry”.

It’s a visual performance, not a reality.

Because that is all porn can ever do is create an illusion of satisfaction.

One that will ultimately end in frustration for the user. This frustration usually results in more porn watching in an unconscious attempt to achieve the fulfilment is truly longed for. This is desensitising, ending in a loss of sexual and emotional feeling. Either numbing it down, making it difficult to get, or maintain an erection, or to ‘come’ without intense stimulation. More and more young men are resorting to use of Viagra to deal with what is essentially, a disconnection from self.

At this point, the issue IS porn

It’s vital to track back to what is behind the need for porn, the need to dissociate from the full spectrum of feelings we are capable of. A something else that makes it so much easier to blame porn and overlook what is really happening.

Each couple are different, unique, so one size does not fit all, but the negative influence of porn can be beaten, all it takes is the right approach and mindset. Each couple must find their own solution. It starts with understanding the solution is ultimately found outside of where they believe the problem lies.

Learning the skills in tantra is a great next step

Porn is something that we watch, it’s focussed on the visual. Where women are effortlessly wet and men are permanently hard. In tantric sex, thrusting doesn’t need to be continually hard for pleasure to be had. In fact, a man does not even need to be hard at all to experience full bodied orgasm.

Tantric sexuality
Truly satisfying sex, as in Tantric sex, comes from how it feels rather than how it looks. In fact, when it’s really good, we don’t give a damn about how it looks! Tantra is actually pretty boring as a visual medium, as the action (and the magic) is more internal…(Tantric sex would never become an Olympic sport..) Tantra teaches us that there is incredible pleasure, and satisfying connection to be found in the slower, deeper moments, as much as the active ones. Especially if you consciously deep breathe, which is not something you’ll see actors doing in mainstream porn…

Couple Communication: Finding the Gifts in your Messiness

June 24, 2019 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

We often call couples communication the finer art of the shit fight.

This is because it can get messy at the speed of light!

Part of the skill in couple communication is in learning how to get better at staying out of the messiness.

Another important part is getting better at dealing with the messiness once you’re there.

Problems in communication are usually seen as the No.1 issue in relationships.

If effective communication in an intimate relationship was easy, everybody would be doing it. But if it isn’t don’t beat yourself up. Graeme and I have been doing it with awareness for years now and we still get caught up in domestics at times!

Couples talk is particularly difficult because communication here isn’t just an exchange of information and ideas. It’s the one place we can’t avoid the messiness of feelings, emotions and deep human need.

Not to mention that we’re communicating with someone who is extremely important to us. Someone that we don’t want to lose by messing things up. We probably carry fear too, about going back into places where we’ve been hurt in the past. Or where we’ve hurt our partner.

What’s really going on when communication gets messy?

Mostly what happens in moments of painful communication is that we make what is happening wrong. We put up walls around the discomfort that occurs inside of us.

Messiness might look like ‘something being wrong’, yet despite appearances, it’s actually part of your relationship growth cycle. Much relationship conflict comes from making the messiness wrong. And from losing connection with yourself as you try to avoid the uncomfortable feelings that result.

When you lose this connection, your partner becomes the enemy and you drop into strategies of defensiveness and protection. You seek control, rather than connection and understanding.

“Almost 90% of all human communication comes from the (usually unconscious) need to control.”
Saying What’s Real, 7 Keys To Authentic Communication, Susan Campbell, PhD

Exploiting the truth

In our human messiness, our logical minds try to help out by rationalising our behaviour. We exploit elements of the truth to get us off the hook of hurt. Speaking from our unfelt emotion, we go to elaborate efforts to justify our position. We also get very convoluted and irrational in our story-telling.

This is because our logical minds are compartmentalised, and their separate parts come up with different points of view. They can do this at the same time, even with totally opposing ideas! We then argue as if they all make sense. We take something that’s 10% true and elaborate it with 90% bullshit to make ourselves feel ‘right’ (ie safe). Graeme and I call this ‘going down the rabbit hole’.

Going down the rabbit hole

All this story-telling creates ‘mind-generated’ feelings that are mostly irrelevant to the feeling that was originally triggered. We’ve known couples who’d get into near-relationship-ending fights over the simplest of issues. This is because each person held tightly to their chosen 10% truth/90% bullshit story.

Get curious about the messiness in your Couple Communication

Rather than getting caught up in the messiness of your 90% bullshit and trying to understand it, try something different. See if you can identify the strongest negative point you’re trying to make (it’s usually about your partner).

This is where the gold is in your Couple Communication.

You can tell it by the sharp increase in emotion, the increased volume in your voice. It might be the knife twist in your gut or the desire to commit some kind of physical violence.

When you’ve identified it, counter-intuitive though it may appear, simply notice the response in your body that it creates. You might notice you’re tensing your shoulders, contracting in fear or wanting to attack, pull away, or go blank.

Getting grounded

Take a breath in and slowly let it out again, feel your feet, get grounded in your body. Taking this deep breath helps to soften your reaction. Your body will intuitively begin to feel safe, allowing you to thoughtfully respond rather than react. Any emotional discomfort will then pass more quickly because you’re not resisting it or escalating it.

This will help you intuitively identify your 10% truth in the situation. Ask yourself what you’re avoiding in yourself by pushing this point? Most likely, you’ll see that it usually involves owning something imperfect and vulnerable about yourself that you want to hide.

At this point it seems easier to own it than to face going further down the rabbit hole. This is the gift of the messiness, it helps you get real if you know where to look.

Deflating your partner’s 90%

Take a risk if you sense that your partner is getting lost in their mind’s 90% bullshit and trying to hook you into their drama. Identify and own YOUR part in the 10% truth, because it will be there.

This truth is why the two of you unconsciously chose to be in relationship with each other so take the risk and show up here. Doing so will change the fabric of your relationship. Telling the truth, no matter how challenging it might appear from the outside, will reward you with an inner strength that is worth the risk.

The truth in you will help your partner to reconnect with what is true in themselves, if they can hear it.

Taking a breath and getting grounded helps you get present with what you’re saying and hearing.

It helps you realise that there is nothing you really need to prove, protect, defend or hide.

When you get this, you’ll find that love arises, making it easier for you to each change what you’re saying into something useful. And to listen more clearly.

This creates greater intimacy and closeness rather than misunderstanding, pain and separation in your relationship. It allows you to see your messy couple communication as a potential gift rather than a threat.

This blog is an excerpt from our book Coming Together: Solving the Mystery of Intimate Relationship, to see it click the link.

If you would like any personal support in your Couple Communication email us here.

Letting Go Of The Fairy Tale…

July 5, 2018 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

We’ll show you how letting go of the fantasy of happy ever after in your relationship

Can be the best thing that ever happened to it!

Despite how modern we’ve become, unless we’ve turned fashionably cynical, most of us still carry in our minds the old-fashioned idea of the perfect fairy tale relationship that’s happy-ever-after.

It looks a unique way for each of us but it has the same flavour of effortlessness.

We come to a relationship believing that if we find the right person, claim ownership of them, then set up house and have a family, we’ll somehow smoothly grow old together into our twilight years…all the way to a shared burial plot.

Holding onto this childish fantasy makes us lazy.

We take our relationship, our partners and even love itself for granted, making them our last priority instead of our first.

It’s like we believe that once we’re in a relationship, everything will magically be OK because we love each other.

We do the same with our sex lives, believing they should just happen spontaneously.

Yearning for this impossible mental picture drains our energy and attraction for what’s real, causing us to, consciously or unconsciously, demean what we have or look around for something better.

But real-life relationships don’t have to be less than perfect.

They can actually be better than we’ve ever imagined – literally beyond our wildest dreams!

Having an ideal fantasy makes the future seem safe and comforting, because we assume it’s certain.

Yet it’s as if we’re saying to life, “I know what’s coming, I know what to do and I don’t need any help.”

We close ourselves off to the vast potential of life that’s so much more than our minds could plan.

We keep trusting in the fantasy, rather than in ourselves and in love.

How about trusting in what’s real instead?

Falling in love with what’s here and now,

and with not needing to know

opens us up to the magic of what lies beyond us.

What do we mean by magic?

Magic is things that happen mysteriously and are impossible to explain or understand.

This magic could be newness, surprise, chance, serendipity or merely coincidence but it adds interest, and even enchantment into our relationships.

It can also refer to the surprising changes that occur from putting in some hard work and commitment.

Trusting in love means we don’t need the safety of knowing the end result, we know that what we most desire lives on the other side of fear and certainty.

Trusting that each step we take in the here and now creates the next step, and the next. And that each step creates our future.

What is it that you’re putting into your relationship right here and now?

Openness, energy, desire, honesty, curiosity, creativity, playfulness, vulnerability, courage, humility or love?

For ways to move from fairy tale to real and lasting love join us for one of our Couples Retreats.

Activity: Letting Go Of The Fairy Tale

Recognize and be willing to grieve the loss of your idealized fantasy relationship. For relationship to last your childlike ideals must die in the face of reality so that what is genuine, authentic and magical way beyond anything your limited mind will come up with can grow. Take a breath, relax, nothing is wrong here.

Together or separately write all your dreams of perfection down on a piece of paper. The more you come up with the better. This might bring some fear and quite deep sadness, depending on how attached you’ve been to your fantasy, know this is healthy. Just let yourself have a good cry if you need to.
Light a candle in a safe place and burn your paper.
Imagine leaving these limitations safely behind you with a fresh new page appearing for you to create on.

Touching Men & Women Differently

September 13, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

As you may have noticed Men’s and Women’s bodies are different…

On the outside, the inside and in how they work.

When it comes to the way we like being touched we’re quite different too.

There are reasons for this, it’s how our bodies are wired, women magnetically and men electrically, we just need to learn how to make the most of them. Of course, as individuals we’re all unique in what we like but we can start with some common ground:

A Woman’s Body

A woman’s body is magnetic in its energy, attracting all over sensations in order to build the high level of sexual intensity she is capable of. Her sexuality is built of many layers and like a crockpot she is at her best over time. Her body works from the outside in, from the top of her head and the tips of her fingers and toes to her centre.

Touching a woman you start from the outside and work slowly towards the centre. Imagine she has a bikini on and the parts covered by the bikini are where you touch last. Stroking the less obvious places like her face, the back of her neck, her ams, hands, feet, inner thighs and buttocks all add to her sexual fire.

In touching her breasts and her sexual centre- her Yoni (the outer and inner parts of a woman’s genitals) you do the same- start from the outside and work your way in, it’s easy when you approach her in this way. Touching her breast, you start at the outside, holding the whole breast in your hand then slowly stroke your way to its apex, the nipple. With her Yoni you start outside with her belly, thighs and pubic area. Then move to her perineum (between the vagina and anus), outer lips, inner lips, clitoris, then move inside. Inside you begin at her entrance and move to the GSpot and the A and O Spots if desired.

Given time and proper awakening woman is capable of high states of bliss- where relaxation, pleasure and love merge into one. She is capable of orgasms in many different places, many times over, even in her heart and soul. She is capable of ejaculation, a clear, sweet smelling liquid released from her Prostate gland through the urethra, with or without orgasm. Ejaculation can be a few mls up to a few cups, squirted or flowing.

Her sexual energy is magnetic, attracting and negative in quality. Lovemaking transforms it positive, which is why after sex a woman often has an excess of energy and wants to talk or get up and take on the world. Her sexual energy is endless when fully awakened.

This awakening can take anywhere from a few minutes to hours, up to a lifetime.

A Man’s body

A man’s sexuality has traditionally been thought of as straight forward as a microwave- 2-3 mins and beep, beep, beep, he’s done, with his ejaculatory orgasm the apex of his experience. And that for him sex and love are completely separate. This is a gross misunderstanding and merely the outcome of his conditioning rather than his ultimate sexual reality. Man’s sexual energy is electrical, positive and discharging in nature.

In fact, he is capable of equal and matching sexual intensity to a woman, including her capacity for multiple orgasms, both with and without ejaculation. He can have both full bodied pleasure and orgasms without even a hint of an erection or needing to ejaculate, though he most likely doesn’t know it yet.

In touching a man’s body you start as his sexual centre- at his penis, cock or Lingam (wand of Light- yes, guys you have a light sabre between your legs!). You start at his centre and invite him to spread his sexual pleasure through the rest of his body, rather than remaining and being released from here. You help him in this by stroking one hand from his Lingam across the rest of his body, inviting his sensations and attention to follow, whilst keeping your other hand on his Lingam, his sexual power centre. Beginning at his centre he can relax, open and expand, seeing that he doesn’t need to wait until those few moments at the end for his pleasure.

In connecting with his sex centre this way he feels he has permission to more freely share of his heart, that he has no need to keep it separate and protected. It gives him an experience of his body that is not filled with tension and the primal need to release. Reminding him to breathe deeply and fully will help his pleasure to expand through his body.

Man’s lovemaking transforms his electrical energy negative and is why it can be draining for him if he constantly discharges it from his body. This is where Tantric style lovemaking, which has him move his energy up through his body allowing him to charge his body with it and retain it when he ejaculates is a more restorative pathway.

This awakening can take anywhere from a few minutes to hours up to a lifetime.

Now that you understand the differences between Men and Women’s bodies go play and see the results!

You might find yourself experiencing more orgasmic pleasure as a result!

To see more ways to touch each other see Tantra Massage.

If you’d like to learn more come along to our weekend workshop soon!

Best Ever Intimacy & Sex

August 22, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

This means dealing with the great debilitator – shame…

You wouldn’t think that a relationship built on mutual love and pleasure would have anything to do with the most icky and Man in shame uncomfortable feeling we as humans are emotionally capable of would you, Yet it does! This feeling is shame. In intimate relating we find ample opportunities for both creating shame and for healing it, particularly in our sexual intimacy. Dealing positively with shame will take your intimacy and sexual pleasure to a whole new place.

What actually is shame? Shame is a feeling of going blank or numb, of wanting to hide, to disappear, even cease to exist. Shame carries thoughts of being wrong, or not good enough in some way, even in every way. The pain of shame is what causes us to disconnect from ourselves, our power and our light, to be less than who we are. Shame is one of the great unspokens in the world and it’s not actually intimacy we fear but the shame that lies within it.. Deny it though we might, shame is alive and well under our shiny, all together surfaces to one degree or another.

It is this belief in our innate wrongness or inadequacy that creates our deepest blocks to real intimacy (in-to-me-see).

Intimacy and the potential for shame coexist. To create intimacy, we need to expose ourselves, leaving us open to feeling shame. Shame disconnects us from ourselves, and we can only create intimacy with another to the extent we’re connected with ourselves. All the love and best intentions in the world cannot prevent moments of shame simply because in intimacy you have two different people seeking to connect their differences in the one place in order to be seen, understood, respected and loved. Our fear of shame keeps us from seeking the intimate connection we crave. It also prevents our surrendering fully to pleasure.

The joke here is that all of us are wrong.

Humans are about as imperfect a species as you can get! Yet it is in our imperfections that our perfections lie, it’s where we find as much of a meeting place as in the love and perfection we strive for. Shame is about wanting to hide, so it makes sense that healing shame is through its opposite- through openly sharing ourselves with another, inviting love into our shame.

Shame can be healthy of course, it is important to acknowledge the shame we feel when we’ve done something wrong so we’re motivated to correct it. What we refer to here is toxic shame that serves no real purpose apart from separating us from who we are.

For some, shame is a blip on the radar, for others it is a daily nightmare. Our shame gives us our core beliefs, even if we would rather die than admit to them.

Core beliefs such as:

I am wrong/bad
I’m not good enough/not enough
I’m not important
I’m not loved/wanted
I don’t matter
I’m a failure
I’m invisible
I’m unworthy/worthless
I’m powerless/unsafe
I’m alone/don’t belong
I’m different/crazy
I’m too much
I’m bad for wanting to be sexual

In our desire to avoid the icky, uncomfortable feeling of shame we understandably develop an armoury of strategies to keep us safe from it.

Shame Avoidance Strategies:

Intellectualizing, staying in our mind keeps us safe
Tensing up and contracting in our bodies
Disconnecting from ourselves to avoid feeling
Not breathing, or breathing shallowly
Focussing on things outside of ourselves such as work, kids, social media
Avoiding our sexuality or having sex in a tense and defensive way
Dumping our shame on others through criticizing, judging or shaming them
Going into anger, fear or sadness to mask our shame
Numbing ourselves with any number of addictions to avoid intimacy
Seeking to be perfect as in perfection there is no shame (even though perfection is unattainable)
Being unwilling to trust each other, for if we don’t reach out there is no risk of shame
Keeping ourselves small, not taking risks, keeping our mask of persona firmly intact and not allowing our real selves to be seen
Not having boundaries- not having to say no, allowing our partners to steam roll us
Being in our Super Hero- when we’re larger than life shame can’t find us

Shame Busting Activities:

It’s vital to know that avoiding shame is avoiding relationship, it’s avoiding intimacy and sexual pleasure beyond our wildest dreams. So what can we do to minimize the impact shame has on our intimate relationships? As you’ve seen, avoiding shame doesn’t work. Instead, try playing with some of these shame busters that will help you reconnect with yourself…

Play with becoming empowered in shame. The next time you feel embarrassed or shamed rather than making it wrong, turn it around and make it ok. Connect with the feeling, move towards it and say to yourself ‘It’s ok to feel shame’, as making shame ok helps to disempower it. Take a few deep breaths and let the embarrassment flow out of you. If you can stay present with it, even if just for a few moments, and know that it is connecting you with your humanity and your core self, your shame will shift into love.
Take risks with shame- where you want to close be willing to open, where you want to hide be willing to show up and deal with your shame as in no.1.
Share some, or all of your shame story with your partner (or a non judgemental friend). Own it as your experience. Sharing with another helps you get reconnected to your humanity. Remember staying open to the feeling as you share allows shame to shift.
If your partner shames you, take control by agreeing with them! Say ‘yes, sometimes I can be an idiot’ or whatever they’re attempting to lay on you and have a laugh at it, find the freedom in your humanity! The power lies with the one who can laugh at and accept themselves as the truly are.
Because our sexuality is layered in cultural and personal shame being willing to own your sexuality as a positive thing is a HUGE shame buster. Own your sexuality by believing it is beautiful, even sacred, giving yourself permission to have pleasure, create it for yourself and sharing it. Rather than blocking shame out and locking it into your body, feel any that comes up during sex and move beyond it, allowing your sexual energy to flow more freely.
Shame busting will also make it easier to reduce your own shaming behaviours (and yes, we ALL have them) because in not running away from your own shame you’ll know directly how bad it feels. Reducing shaming behaviours in your relationship will make it a happier, more respectful and loving place to be.
When you want to act out an addiction feel the shame that lies beneath it, release it then make a choice about your behaviour from a clearer place.

So are you ready to bust shame in your relationship (and in your life)? The gifts are never ending…