Having a baby together is one of the most important gifts you are going to share with your life partner. So how do you make the most of the gifts and the obvious, or maybe not so obvious, challenges in this part of your relationship when baby makes 3?
Are you as new (or even newish) parents struggling to reconnect in your relationship? Perhaps you’re feeling tired, uninspired with little resentments, fights or cold wars building an increasing level of distance between you, no matter how much good will you want to show?
As Mum are you:
– feeling overwhelmed at the awesome responsibility you are faced with and how you will cope with it?
– feeling resentful instead of loving when your partner comes in from a day out and about in the ‘real’ world?
– totally over having someone wanting to touch your breasts after breast feeding all day?
– scared that you won’t ever feel desire for your partner again?
– believing that you r partner just has to tolerate your shift in priorities?
– After experiencing the amazing power of birth are you sensing that there is something more to sex but getting caught in the same old boring routine each time it does happen?
– Will you ever find yourself as a unique individual again?
As a Dad are you:
– tired of getting rejected sexually?
– scared sex won’t ever go back to the way it used to be?
– feeling both awed and overwhelmed by the responsibility you feel and driven to spend extra time at work to ‘provide fully’ for your family?
– have fear around balancing responsibility vs independence?
– feeling challenged at being sexual with this ‘mum’ type person?
– Frustrated at helping your partner relax and come ‘first’ then having a mere moment or two of pleasure yourself at the end of the night?
We just want to know that these are all normal or at least very common experiences of new parents, all amongst the joy and wonder of being a new parent.
If this is you then read on here for some suggestions that will help, even if it is just knowing you’re not alone….
When baby makes 3 there isn’t a rule book, you are making your own.
Lots of people will want to give you well meant advice, plus there are zillions of articles and hundreds of books out there with helpful suggestions but see that ultimately it is your relationship to make it work your way.
There is a time in the early days when you both do just have to grin and bare it, whilst being as loving to yourselves and each other as you manage.
It is important for the long run however you both make a commitment to recreating ‘adult’ time in your relationship, this includes both in intimacy as well as sexually otherwise there is an unhealthy wedge inserted between you. Your relationship needs to support your child (children) not be totally dominated by it.
Arrange babysitting weekly or fortnightly so you can have a couple of hours just to be together. You might just want to take a stroll or go for a coffee, the idea is that it is your time. If babysitting is difficult see if there are other parents you can swap ‘time out’ with. Even this simple beginning can help bring back some of those ‘old’ feelings of desire for each other.
Making the time to talk about your post baby expectations, fears and desires makes a big difference by establishing a clearer understanding of each other. Communicate by asking open ended questions, focus on talking about what you fear/desire for yourself, then ask your partner about their own desires etc.
It’s ok to express your frustration as releasing anger energy promotes passion. Just make sure you own it as your anger about you, without projecting onto your partner.
Don’t expect your partner to communicate the same way as you
These are tender topics and communication styles differ, especially between the male/female dynamic. Be prepared to listen to what IS being said, rather than having set expectations. Know that men DO feel they just don’t have the same language or social permission to express it, assuming this can help you see them more clearly.
Make it a shared journey.
Sometimes it is easy to forget when the focus is all on the mother and what is happening for her just how big an impact becoming a parent will be having on the father as well. Motherhood is still one of the most revered roles in our society, subtly reinforced in many different ways from adverts with only ‘mother and baby’ images to Babycare books referring to things ‘Mother’ can do when the child is ill. Even more so than Fatherhood, although this is rightly changing as fathers become more directly involved in their children’s daily lives. It’s important to know this imbalance can be reflected in the husband/wife dynamic if the father role is not fully acknowledged. For even though your partner doesn’t physically carry and give birth to your baby becoming a parent also brings in life altering changes for them, just like you.
Discuss post baby sex!
Sex is going to look a little different for a while after your baby arrives. The main thing you need is to talk about it and have a plan, otherwise there is the potential for your baby to take over the place where the sex used to be.
Talk with them about:
- How sex is important to you and ultimately you DO want it to be a part of your ongoing relationship
- There being initially a time when you’re just not up for it, due to your hormones rebalancing themselves, sleep deprivation, healing episiotomy scars, feeding issues etc and this is normal
- How things like doing the dishes, tidying up, bathing the baby or answering the phone to their mother will become active parts of foreplay!
- As does supporting your partner to have her own time and space to reconnect with her individual self, a reminder of who she is besides being a mum can help restore libido, as well as your desire for her sexual self.
Bringing Your Sexy Back For Women Post Baby
Once you’ve adjusted to your new routine and you are physically recovering you may like to explore some of the following ideas:
- Understand that a woman’s body may feel different post baby, just explore it without judgement. You may feel different too, more comfortable, powerful or tentative. Whatever it is know that your sexy, desirable woman is still there she just needs time to come out. Your partner knows this and is likely to be very willing to support you in this.
- Feeling sexual is about feeling connected to your sense of self so finding ways for you to regain your sense of YOU will help nurture this part of you. Identify what is it that most makes you feel you and find ways to experience that- going for a walk, meditating, coffee with your girlfriends, time to shop for yourself, do your hobby or have an afternoon at a spa.
- Having your partner reminding you that you are a sexual being by helping you get back into your sexual feelings eg. stroking/kissing the back of your neck or inner arms, massaging your feet, hugging you from behind (without touching breasts) and connecting your hearts. This only works without having an agenda to turn it into instant sex, think bigger picture goal and just enjoy the moment.
- Try just lying together with your hand resting on his cock and his hand resting on your heart, maybe even as you go to sleep. This validates the sexual connection between you.
- Know that you may be initially more interested in connecting sex than performance sex- going slower, relaxing, taking your time than highly erotic, hot and heavy type sex.
- If you’re not up for making love yourself perhaps you could you lie next to your partner whilst they self pleasure, how would you/they be with that?
- Understand that in this place arousal can come before desire. This means that actually creating some pleasure through touch (or feeling your partner’s pleasure) can assist your own desire for making love to arise.
- Practicing Daily Devotion- a Tantric practice that is about connection rather than outcome. There is no foreplay and no orgasm. Use a side by side or scissors position. Use just enough lubrication to enable penetration then sl movement to maintain connection for 10-20 mins. Mostly just relax, breathe and feel what is, hug to complete. This is a great way to re establish the sexual energy between you. If not daily then as often as possible.
Talk about your potential parenting styles
You might not think it but you will probably have differences in the way you ‘parent’ your child. These differences will be reflections of the way you were brought up yourselves. Discuss the differences in your upbringing and see how this might look. Decide if you want to negotiate and present a united front, or be willing to let each parent be responsible for the consequences of their individual choices
As we mentioned having a baby is one of the most life changing and important things two people can do together. It is vital that you plan to have your relationship come out on top along with it.
If you would like some assistance with getting reconnected after baby makes 3 (or more) in your life, whether it is recently or even months or years ago contact us for a Skype session or even a visit for a face to face reconnection session!
Call 1800 TANTRA or email here