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Healthy Masculinity: What Does it Look Like?

July 13, 2022 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

What is healthy masculinity?

Whilst pondering healthy masculinity recently I had a telling conversation with a young man.Uncertain man

He was a father with a 4 year old son, who was struggling with commitments of work, family, relationship, sport, money etc.

He was struggling with all the usual things that impact most young family men at some stage. Things which are becoming aggravated by covid, the rising cost of living, and the national housing and rental squeeze. This is particularly so in flood impacted areas locally to where we live.

Perspective matters

During this conversation, we discussed a lot of things. I knew there was an difference in age between us, not realising until later that the difference was nearly 40 years.

My perspective on these issues was very different to his, and this was because of a lot more than just age.

That conversation highlighted for me, the vast changes that men and masculinity are currently going through. Yet very little credibility is given to this necessary process of cultural change.

I was born during the fifties, into a very conservative rural background, into a very stereo typical family, or so I thought.

Man being groundedMy background could be described as patriarchal, misogynistic and very unemotional. I thought this was normal, yet something in me still felt uncomfortable and awkward around it. Hence my resistance to, and questioning of it at that time.

My father shamed me for this, calling me weak, no good and saying I wouldn’t amount to much in life.

I still occasionally feel this today, until I catch myself.

Creating a safe space gives permission

My conversation with this young man incidentally, was held sitting on the side of a road whilst he was having his smoko. I could feel his uncertainty and conflict in finding his masculine role and direction. It was a big thing for him to take a risk and open up emotionally. Especially in such a male dominated industry. I validated his willingness to do so.

It was easy for me to talk with him and share my views and experience on each of his issues. Particularly when we unpacked each of his concerns.

It felt good to ask him about some of his beliefs. To question if they were real, or from bullshit patriarchal conditioning. Asking him too, if it is bullshit, what would YOU really like to do?”

I could feel his walls drop and he opened up about what he really wanted for himself.man in mask

The bottom line for him was to simply “go home and have a heart felt conversation with his partner.”  Because if she can feel your emotional commitment and involvement, her fear will drop away. Which is exactly what happened and was a new experience for them both.

He hadn’t considered asking her what she wanted or felt. Not because he didn’t care. Because he was sucked into believing that he must have all the answers. And that he must do the hard yards on his own.

Ending the shadow aspect of patriarchy

I said this is part of the patriarchal bullshit conditioning that men suffer from. Men are also victims of patriarchal conditioning, as much as, or more so, I believe than women. This is because they are still largely caught up inside it without realising it. Men get the benefits of entitlement without realising the damage being a rigid thinking patriarchal man does to them.

There are still patriarchal pockets deeply embedded in our society, usually in male dominated workplaces. They easily trigger and negatively influence men into their own masculine insecurities and self-doubt. Largely because it is accepted and not talked about or questioned, as women have had to do.

Men and women rising together

I believe the feminist movement has achieved amazing things for women. As a man, what is missing is not a reprieve from feminism. It’s a rise of healthy masculinity to meet, and to rise with this tide of rising femininity.

I hear the phrase toxic masculinity being bandied about. I see men living in shame and disempowerment because of it. I always stop and ask “why the f..k  don’t we have toxic femininity..?” Why do we have one (so I am told) and not the other…?

Yet my interest in this particular debate has absolutely nothing to do with naming who is toxic and who is not. It’s about our lack of healthy masculinity, our lack of healthy masculine role models.

Healthy masculinity

Heart to Heart communicationMy conversation with this young man was simple (for me) and had a significant impact on him. He rang me a couple of days later and thanked me for our chat and said that he had the chat with his wife and they have developed a plan to move forward together. He is happy with that.

Healthy masculinity is that simple.

You might even call it positive patriarchy.

Direct. Focussed. Getting to the heart of things. Finding a solution that benefits all and taking action on it.

Women are Wrong and seeing how is Freedom

July 10, 2014 By admin Leave a Comment

Women are wrong? How can this be?

There is something in woman that lives deep inside her, unseen and unacknowledged.

Unidentified will control and limit her.Sexual Shame

Awareness of this wrongness begins as a spark and grows to a torrent. This is when she can choose freedom from it…

I am taking a deep breath and sharing my experience here as it has been for me and trusting that it has value for others…

I am a woman strongly in her feminine aspect.

I believe this is why I have experienced what follows so deeply.

What I speak of here I relate to the feminine collective, it’s part of each individual woman’s personal history but it is also somehow part of all women.

I have been ‘working’ as they say, on myself for a long time- over 30 yrs, experiencing, learning and enjoying much. Sometimes along the way I have made mistakes and felt appropriately wrong as a result, I’ve been able to deal with it and have learned from the consequences.

Yet it seemed I had another place of wrongness inside of me. One that was something else altogether- a painful, bottomless pit of icky, yucky, discomfort I labelled toxic SHAME.

Toxic shame is “I AM wrong” rather than I have just done something wrong.

This shame was like an automatic default setting I continually fell into, regardless of the circumstances. Recently I decided to take a good look at this monster, to stare it into submission and learn what it had to teach me. woman in self loveWhat opened up was a new world of ease, openness and self love.

A journey of discovery

From sitting with this shame, sometimes for hours at a time (no easy task let me assure you!)

Womens Shame pool

it became clear there were two things operating here – a mental belief in my wrongness, and the physical feeling of shame attached to it… Once I was fully inside this very familiar and very uncomfortable feeling I saw my belief often WASN’T TRUE.

And once I saw this I saw that the big, juicy pool of shame that was attached to it now didn’t feel like MINE either.

I started looking at where this belief (wrongness) + feeling (shame) was showing up in my life and I found them everywhere, in both minor, and major parts of my life.

I saw them in basic things like needing the “right” clothes, hair, shoes, accessories, makeup, nails, skin, look, size, shape to feel acceptable.

And also in important things like my relationship – realising that so often when my man opened his mouth I would believe he was making me wrong. My automatic response was to feel wrong and get defensive. It became obvious to him that something was not right because he wasn’t trying to make me wrong, he could see I was doing it to myself. No matter what he said I would twist his meaning into making me wrong so I could feel my familiar sense of shame. He reported great frustration in trying to relate to me when I was in this shame pool, figuring he might as well do anything else rather than try and talk to me. Then I would feel abandoned along with more shame.

Unconscious belief in my wrongness would:Woman in shame

  • Put me constantly on the defensive, in my relationship and in my life, ready to collapse into shame, or to argue vociferously that I was NOT wrong (even if this was completely irrelevant to what was being discussed).
  • This self justification led me to feel powerlessness.
  • Feeling powerless made me want to lash out at those I perceived had power.
  • I felt ashamed, scared and angry.
  • I refused to believe it was just me being an illogical, menopausal female.

After reflecting on my work with women over the last 15yrs it seemed that some degree of this innate sense of wrongness was a common, if not universal experience in women.

I came across a study that reported men at work will blame their equipment, their boss or the system when things went wrong. Women would always blame themselves.

This wrongness appeared to infiltrate all levels of the feminine: body, mind, feeling, psyche and spirit…

Where does this sense of wrongness come from?

I believe it comes from the feminine being lost and her inner truths dishonoured from:

  • A patriarchal society that devalues the feminine qualities of feeling, emotion, intuition, wisdom, creativity, playfulness, pleasure, beingness, receptivity, surrender, vulnerability, embodied sexuality and spirituality; seeing these qualities as weak or irrelevant rather than powerful, mysterious and magnetic.
  • The desecration of ancient Goddess cultures where Spirit was earthy and embodied, rather than an external perfection to be ascended to.  And through the burning at the stake of tens, maybe hundreds of thousands of women as so called witches during the dark ages, removing this font of wisdom from our culture.Witch at the stake
  • The physical, emotional and sexual abuse perpetrated by unconscious patriarchal men and the lack of healing available to women wounded at a soul level.
  • The social, sexual, cultural and political repression of women that remains around the world today.
  • The overt honouring of the Good Mother and Madonna roles vs the shaming of the Bad Mother, the Whore and the Invisible Older Woman.
  •  The loss of understanding the true nature of female sexuality, limiting it to mechanical stimulation and arousal rather than relaxation and awakening. So depriving woman of true connection to herself and her spiritual power.

How does this overwhelming history impact us as women?

To a greater or lesser degree it makes us:

Feel wrong somehow for no longer being the “good” girl we were supposed to be.

Apologise for our existence, making it much harder to stand up for ourselves and ask for our needs to be met.

Vulnerable to the marketing that serves to fix our “wrongness” worth billions of dollars of cosmetics, clothes, hairdos, diet, beauty treatments and plastic surgery etc.

Women as BDSM bad girls

If we’re lucky we might get to play in our wrongness sexually, in all kinds of edginess and bdsm play.

Yet there is much more than that – we are like the abuse victim who internalises the shame of the act long after the abuse itself is over.

It leaves us disconnected from our feminine selves, striving to live up to the masculine perception of  power. We do this whilst feeling increasingly exhausted and unfulfilled within.

We miss out on the feminine qualities mentioned above. Our lack of these qualities leaves us  bitter and complaining. We focus only on feminine nurturing and giving to others in the hope this will make us worthy of receiving in return. We then feel frustrated and even more wrong when our “goodness” is not seen.

Disconnected from our embodied truth and sense of self, we say yes, when we mean no. We say nothing when we mean yes.

We toughen up and tolerate bad treatment by others (and by ourselves), and often inappropriately blame ourselves for what is wrong.Couples Communication getting violent

Our ability to suffer in silence makes us hard and unavailable to others, and to our own hearts.

We develop a false strength, an ego based power that doesn’t allow us to take responsibility when we ARE in the wrong. This is because in feeling so wrong already there is unconscious resistance to feeling even more wrong.

Our inner rage at this wrongness leads us to project our shame onto, and emasculate men in a thousand different ways, fatally damaging our relationships with them.

All the while we will desperately fight to get or keep men to avoid feeling wrong for being alone.

In this place we see our sisters as competition, often criticising and shaming them, denying ourselves this inherent support system.

For women female sexuality more than just lingerie

We neglect our need for pleasure as a necessary part of our wellbeing, cutting ourselves from this powerful source of inner radiance. We use our pleasure to service others rather than ourselves. We suffer under rough or inadequate touch, rather than asking clearly for what we desire, leaving both the giver and receiver lost.

And finally it leaves us as THE VICTIM rather than the POWER PACK– unhappy, frustrated, scared, uncertain, complaining, not knowing and not loving ourselves, living small.

How can we create something new?

Like an abuse victim we cannot change what has happened.

Bringing to account those responsible for our abuse can help, receiving acknowledgment and apology is part of the healing. But much of this pain is beyond the individual, in both victim and persecutor. Limiting ourselves by focusing our attention only on the perpetrators does not fully resolve the attached shame and unhelpful belief patterns WE now carry within US as a result.

People with disabilities stepping out of shameYet we CAN help to set ourselves free of this shame and disempowerment.

Very much like the movement out of cultural shame by people with disabilities. Disabled athletes are now very much a part of the everyday world rather than hidden in the corner. They have done this not with blame, as often there isn’t anyone TO blame, but through empowerment in the individual, focussing on their abilities and strengths rather than their limitations.

We can choose to trust in the power of the feminine, that still exists despite ALL the efforts to sublimate it.

We can move beyond this wrongness, this shame by meeting it head on, actively seeking it out, understanding that it is not ours, it never was. Acknowledging our victimhood with compassion, moving beyond its disempowering control.  Knowing that as we do so we are empowering both ourselves and our sisters from within.

We can join with the growing numbers of women across the globe who are reaping the benefits of integrating the feminine more fully into their lives.

Reclaiming your POWER PACK

If you can relate to what has been spoken here join me in:

Setting an intention to see this pattern more clearly
Taking moments to FEEL this yucky shame, breathing into it (rather than unconsciously reacting from inside it)
Allowing it to nail us like an insect on a pin
Like a stake into the wall of our closed and suffering hearts

If we can give birth to babies, we can do this!
Consciously breathe into the discomfort and feel it fully just for a moment or two
Just long enough to see what it is- a feelingSelf connection is key to more intimate sex.
If it is yours own it
See where it is NOT you

Then let it go
This is freedom. This is power from within
This is self love
This is Love birthed in compassion
For yourself, your sisters and those around you
Giving the world the gift of a truly empowered and feminine YOU.

To experience more of where Annette is coming from join her

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Tantra: Whats in it for me as a man….?

April 10, 2014 By Graeme Sudholz Leave a Comment

End your frustration

Most men ask this question and how I choose to answer is from my perspective as a man and a Tantra practitioner.

Firstly, my belief is tantra was created for men to meet, match and soar with the awesome feminine sexual intensity. Unfortunately, very few men (and women) experience tantra in its full power, yet it is so worth the journey.

Tantra for men is an awesome experience that is not just in the bedroom, it is not just about sex but about nearly every aspect of life. Tantra is about experiencing what IS, to its fullest extent, whether it is making love or walking along a beach, kicking a goal or clinching that important contract. It is about being fully alive from top to bottom and feeling in as many moments of life as possible.

This may sound easy, simple and straight forward, but the reality for most of us is that it is a lot more challenging.

Yet imagine how you would be living your life where feeling your open heart and being grounded in the power of your balls is the norm and not a occasional experience?

Imagine making love with your partner from a place in you where your heart is so open and

Reunite sex with heart

vulnerable that she just surrenders like she never has before?  Where you are capable of endless pleasure?

How would that feel living and loving from this place?

If you want a second opinion on this, try asking your partner how she would feel about you if this was your normal?

The most important aspect of yourself as a man that you can bring into your relationship, is your open heart that is connected to your balls. In a committed relationship, man brings his open heart and woman brings her sexuality. (If you doubt this, ask what happens if she says “no” ……). For a man to be truly connected with his heart, he also needs to feel his masculine self, or his warrior self aka his balls. So doing Tantra does not mean losing your masculinity and trying to become something else, something foreign, it is becoming more fully who you already are.

Bring out your intimate warrior to get the most out of tantra

The conscious warrior aspect of man is pure heart, and man needs to feel his warrior strongly, yes, even in this day and age, probably more than ever. For in relationship the warrior holds a man safe as he connects his heart and sexuality, it allows him to feel safe to fully feel. Bringing himself out of shame and shadow into the light of heart connected sex. This is a truly magical experience for a man to feel and, I believe, is connecting him to his true spiritual self.

This is Tantra and what it means to me.

So if you are a man and your lover is nagging you about looking into Tantra acknowledge your fears, of having to give up what you’ve had, fears of having to become “soft”, or feeling shame about not being good enough. See it instead as a boys own adventure into something new and exciting where fortune favours the brave, blazing a trail you can make your own and where you as the hero gets the gold!

CONTACT US:

Graeme 0457 966 696
Annette 0437 966 696

or Email us here

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