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The Myth Called Porn Addiction

July 29, 2022 By Annette & Graeme 1 Comment

Porn addiction is a myth.

On numerous occasions, we have come across people in relationships who are struggling with what they believe is an obvious problem. They believe their problem is one partner’s addiction to big bad porn.  We commonly find it is not actually the porn addiction that is the the problem. It is a symptom.

In his article “Why we Should Stop Calling Porn Addiction an Addiction”, Sex Psychology 2015, Dr. Justin Lehmiller has measured brain waves of drug addicts and porn users. He found that porn has the opposite effect on brain waves that drug addicts experience This indicated that porn should not be called an addiction, the word addiction should be replaced with something else.

Porn is easy to blame

It is confronting for couples to realise that blaming porn merely shifts the focus away from what is really going on in their relationship. It shifts responsibility to something that is cloaked in shame and conveniently easy to blame.porn user

Anything which is done in secrecy and isolation usually leads to shame. Isolation and shame then make it difficult for those involved to share true intimacy with others.  Especially with society turning up the heat by publicly blaming or shaming porn.

Many men are already afflicted by sexual shame, due to unresolved sexual projections from society, religion, the media and even therapists’ unresolved issues about sex. Demonising porn just makes it worse.

We believe that porn itself is not wrong

It’s the behaviours that go on around it that make it so.

Porn targets sexual desire and sexual vulnerability. It’s also reliable, and without fear or rejection, something sex in the real world is definitely not!  It gives the watcher a place to indulge their desire for sexual variety without risking going outside their relationship. Porn creates a fantasy of fulfilled sexual desire, enticing with its easy access and its privacy. Particularly when the watcher doesn’t have to deal with any messy emotional crap. It can leave men thinking this is how all sex should be, instant gratification with little effort or emotion.angry woman

This pisses most women off, and rightly so.

Many men struggle with the emotional intensity of relationship. Not because they are incapable of feeling. But because they have been shamed about, or indoctrinated not to feel or express their emotions.   It is important to understand that, given the opportunity, men are highly capable of emotional work. We see it all the time. Especially with the right motivation – the potential for truly fulfilling sex.

A different perspective

As a woman, you might be feeling the hackles on your neck standing up at this image of a man taking the easy way out. Take a moment to see things from his perspective, through an example a bit closer to home. The romance industry, widely available through movies, books, advertising and chats with your girlfriends is like porn. It exerts an equally manipulative effect on a woman, similar to the impact that porn has on men.  Stories of instant attraction to a perfect man offering a woman everything her heart desires with very little real effort on her part is the female flip side of porn.  These romantic fantasies have a similar romantic couple“passive making” impact on women. They create many false expectations for men to live up to, and leave women frustrated when they don’t.

The difference is, romance has general society’s support and its effects slip beneath the radar. While men carry the worlds’ unconscious judgment and shaming of their desires for sex and porn. This adds even more intensity to their feelings of sexual shame and emotional inadequacy. Shaming any man about his porn habit is shaming the man deep into his core. This shame accumulates and can eventually shut him down, both sexually and emotionally. Leaving women frustrated at his increasing lack of availability.

Whether we like it or not, porn is spreading

According to Pornhub, women are the fastest growing demographic of porn consumers, especially younger women. Women are reported to watch porn out of curiosity, to spice up their sex lives and learn new techniques. Some women, like men, watch it to satisfy their lust. Children as well are becoming exposed to porn, and doing so at earlier ages due to its easy availability. This is a concern if they are viewing it without the context of real life sex to balance it with. Yet the vast majority of porn users remain men.

There are some positives with porn, as is it can be way to keep sexuality alive when sex is not available. It can also spice things up in the bedroom for a while… But, by targeting these desires, pornography creates a fantasy experience for the watcher that will still ultimately leave them “high and dry”.

It’s a visual performance, not a reality.

Because that is all porn can ever do is create an illusion of satisfaction.

A Lingam Massage will open your man's heart
One that will ultimately end in frustration for the user. This frustration usually results in more porn watching in an unconscious attempt to achieve the fulfilment is truly longed for. This is desensitising, ending in a loss of sexual and emotional feeling. Either numbing it down, making it difficult to get, or maintain an erection, or to ‘come’ without intense stimulation. More and more young men are resorting to use of Viagra to deal with what is essentially, a disconnection from self.

At this point, the issue IS porn

It’s vital to track back to what is behind the need for porn, the need to dissociate from the full spectrum of feelings we are capable of.  A something else that makes it so much easier to blame porn and overlook what is really happening.

Each couple are different, unique, so one size does not fit all, but the negative influence of porn can be beaten, all it takes is the right approach and mindset.  Each couple must find their own solution. It starts with understanding the solution is ultimately found outside of where they believe the problem lies.

Learning the skills in tantra is a great next step

Porn is something that we watch, it’s focussed on the visual. Where women are effortlessly wet and men are permanently hard. In tantric sex, thrusting doesn’t need to be continually hard for pleasure to be had. In fact, a man does not even need to be hard at all to experience full bodied orgasm.

Tantric sexuality
Truly satisfying sex, as in Tantric sex, comes from how it feels rather than how it looks. In fact, when it’s really good, we don’t give a damn about how it looks! Tantra is actually pretty boring as a visual medium, as the action (and the magic) is more internal…(Tantric sex would never become an Olympic sport..) Tantra teaches us that there is incredible pleasure, and satisfying connection to be found in the slower, deeper moments, as much as the active ones. Especially if you consciously deep breathe, which is not something you’ll see actors doing in mainstream porn…

 

Men and Women Touch Differently

July 21, 2022 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Have you ever recoiled from your lover’s touch because it was too much, too soon?

Or have you ever got bored waiting to be touched where you really, really want it?

This is not always your lover’s fault.

It’s about understanding each other’s bodies more accurately.

You’ve probably noticed that men’s and women’s bodies are different.

Even though they start life in utero exactly the same in baby girls’ and boys’ bodies.

Then at a few weeks old a nifty little thing called the ‘Y’ chromosome develops, causing the male genitals to shift to the outside (with occasional exceptions). This shift, along with the different hormonal framework in men and women, causes a difference in how they respond to touch.

Understanding this difference makes it much less confusing, and much more rewarding, to touch each other.

A Woman’s Body

In her body, woman’s sexuality works from the outside in, from her extremities to her genital centre, her yoni. She’s capable of a high level of energetic intensity and touching her from the outside in really pays off. It it isn’t her body will not only not awaken fully, it will turn right off.

When you touch a woman, to keep it simple, no matter where you’re touching her start from the outside and work slowly towards the centre. This helps her feel safe enough to relax and open more deeply.

Imagine that she has a bikini on and the parts covered by the bikini are touched last.

– With her body start at the top of her head and the tips of her fingers and toes, and work your way to her centre.

– If you touch her breast, start at the outside and slowly make your way to its apex, the nipple.

– If you touch her sexual centre, her Yoni, start outside with her belly, inner thighs, pubic area and her perineum- these last two are important parts of her arousal system.

– If you move to her Yoni itself, start at the outer lips, then the inner lips (whether the inner lips are smaller or larger than the outer lips), then the clitoris. The clitoris and internal arousal tissues extend underneath these lips, so including them assists in her overall arousal.

– If you touch the inside, begin at the entrance, taking your time, and then move to the GSpot then eventually the cervix area.

– Vary your touch in pressure, speed and between stroking, massaging, tapping, licking and even holding it still.

Given time and proper awakening, a woman is capable of high states of bliss, where relaxation, pleasure and love merge into one in her body, heart, mind and soul. A woman’s sexual energy is magnetic, attracting, and negative in polarity. Lovemaking transforms this negative energy into positive, which is why a woman often has an excess of energy after sex and wants to talk. When her energy is fully transformed, she feels whole in herself, and open to her lover but not needy of him. Her breathing deeply and exhaling through her mouth as she is being touched helps create this energetic shift.

Nb. There may be times when a woman doesn’t want a slow approach, it’s always best to check in with her desires first.

A Man’s Body

His sexuality works from the inside out, from his genitals to the rest of his body. When you touch a man’s body, start at his sexual centre, his Lingam.

A man’s sexuality has traditionally been thought of as straightforward like a microwave: give him two or three minutes and beep, beep, beep, he’s done. His ejaculatory orgasm is generally seen as the apex of his experience, with sex and love being completely separate. This is of course a gross misunderstanding. It’s merely the outcome of his conditioning, rather than his ultimate sexual reality. Given time, a man is capable of matching a woman’s sexual intensity, including her capacity for multiple orgasms (both with and without ejaculation). Given time he can meet her in her multi-dimensional sexuality too, that includes intimacy, emotion and spirituality.

Start at the man’s sex centre, then invite him to spread his sexual pleasure through the rest of his body, rather than remaining and being released from here. Beginning at his centre, he can relax and expand, seeing that he doesn’t need to wait until those few moments right at the end for his pleasure. (The one exception to this is beginning at his PSpot (his prostate gland) – he needs to warmup to this one!)

He can spread his pleasure by breathing deeply and exhaling out through his mouth, imagining as he does so that he is lifting his sexual energy up into his heart as he inhales, and is spreading it through the whole of his body as he exhales. Where the mind goes the energy follows.

Help him by keeping one hand on his Lingam and use the other (and the rest of your body) to stroke his pleasure outwards to his extremities. Do remember that his breasts and nipples are pathways to pleasure and heart opening just like a woman’s so don’t be afraid to give these some attention along the way.

Man’s sexual energy is electrical, positive and discharging in polarity. Lovemaking transforms his positive energy into negative, which is why it can be draining for him to discharge his energy and send him to sleep This is where Tantric-style lovemaking, where he moves his energy up and through his body first, is a more restorative pathway. It allows him to charge his body with positive energy and retain more of it when he ejaculates.

Connecting together

Though you might start in different places one way to connect both of you to your bodies at the same time is that while the man is pleasuring the woman, she can hold his Lingam, either in stillness or lightly stroking it. Using lubrication will help him to relax into her touch. Because this connects him with, and validates his sexual centre, he’ll be happy to touch and stroke her, taking all the time she desires. It’s also a great motivation for him to practise his energy spreading practices so he can enjoy for a long time.

She can just hold him, or occasionally lightly stroke him, without distracting her from her own experience. She can also benefit from feeling the rise of his sexual energy in his lingam and feel it echo in her own body’s response.

It’s a win win.

If you would like more details on how to touch each other contact Annette or Graeme here.

Active Receiving…it’s so much more than just lying there!

June 7, 2018 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

It’s obvious when we’re actively giving in lovemaking, those moments when we completely lose ourselves in service of our partner, totally there for them and loving every moment of it.

And there are those delicious moments when it seems like you’re just flowing together, not knowing where one person ends and the other begins, and nobody appears to be giving, it’s just happening (called entrainment by the way).

It’s less obvious when we’re actively receiving, for Female Sexualitymen or women. It’s less talked about and a skill not often understood.

The experience of it can transform our lovemaking experience from ordinary to magnificent!

It’s a mindset firstly, an opening of your mind, a letting go of control and allowing whatever is happening to be utterly as it is.

Yet it’s not just passively laying there.

It’s having your mind fully engaged in the moment, actively breathing and feeling your sensations fully.

Letting go of any inner fear or resistance you might have.

Totally surrendering to yourself through your lovers touch.

Rising to meet your lover’s touch, with your lips, hands, breasts, legs or hips.

That’s the thing about surrender here- it’s surrender to yourself, not to your partner.Meditation

Although you automatically feel more connected to your lover as a result, and they to you.

Surrender to yourself can look like surrender to your lover but the internal reality is very different, for you remain connected to and safely in charge of yourself, trusting yourself that you will be ok in whatever happens.

It does not mean tolerating something that feels uncomfortable, but asking yourself the question of are you letting it in?

Can you move your body in a way that opens it further?

Can you breathe in the sensations you’re feeling, transforming them?

Can you open your eyes and let your lover see you?

Is there any resistance you can drop? Emotion you can acknowledge?

This can help us go underneath yourself into something unforeseen yet wonderful.

Expressing gratitude to your lover for the gift you’re receiving  builds the connection and trust between you.Tantric Heart space

Sometimes surrendering invites activity, a rock of the hips, a surge of energy, heat, movement, coming from deep within.

At others it invites even deeper stillness, a sigh that opens into freedom, melts like wax in fire or expands into bliss with intuitive imagery of waterfalls, stars, mountains, earthly or spiritual beings. The potential is unlimited.

If what your lover is doing still doesn’t feel good, then ask for it to be changed.

Active receiving is one of the most precious gift you can give to both yourself and your lover as it opens not only the heart through the gratitude it brings, and the spirit through the acceptance it takes, but also the doorway to greater pleasure through the expansion it offers.

Give it a try sometime soon!

Lingam Massage

February 8, 2018 By Annette & Graeme 2 Comments

Lingam Massage.

It’s The Hottest Thing You Can Do For Your Man In Bed Tonight (and one that is good for you too!)

And all you need to grab for it, is a handful of oil or lubricant and your man…A Lingam Massage will open your man's heart

 

“I didn’t know how to feel, so I learned to touch” sings Leonard Cohen

 

This is true for so many men. Young boys feel just as much as girls, until they grow up conditioned by society to toughen up, “not be a pussy” or worst of all to “man up!”

In our work, we see that men DO feel, deeply and powerfully, in a way that is more of an internal experience rather than an external expression (anger and sex are the two exceptions here).

We see it in our work because the place where men are most motivated to risk feeling fully is in sex. The bonuses of him doing so pay off in many more ways than just the few seconds of his orgasm.

From not having permission to feel, and with his way of feeling made wrong, many men learn to perform and touch in sex, breaking open the heartrather feel, connect and open.

Rock His World

The simple but profound practice we’re offering today will give him the chance to do just that. In fact, it can help break his heart wide open! For the woman who loves him, if she’s looking for more ‘connection’ in their lovemaking this is a great place to find it. And as we said, it impacts on more than just the bedroom.

This practice can leave him happier and more connected to himself in the rest of his world too. The practice we’re referring to is Tantric Practice called a Lingam Massage (Lingam is the Tantric name for his penis or cock, but use whatever works for you. Many men enjoy knowing they have a light sabre between their legs, one that emits love and light, not just semen).

In preparation for writing this article we asked some men who’ve experienced it for their own words on the subject.

If there’s anything that will render a man poetic, it’s this place

One man described a Lingam massage as “joining all the dots of sex, intimacy and connection. It validated a very deep part of me and made me feel comfortable with myself in a whole new way. It may sound over the top, but for me it was life changing!”

Another mentioned finding “a place of spaciousness, a timeless experience of my authentic power that lies beyond the mind.”

Still another said “I found I was not only able to feel more but was able to open my heart to my partner and really receive her love.”

One said “I now see how much more I can be. I’m now able to fully love my beautiful wife as she deserves to be loved, and I feel deserving of hers.”

And last but not least this: “I found it powerful yet subtle. It was very pleasurable and enjoyable without the need to perform in any way. I could just open and experience what was happening in my body. It helped me remove shame and guilt around my sexuality and sexual desire. It also connected me to a deep, yet quiet, sense of myself and my own power.”

Letting Go of the Need to Perform

Lingam massage gives a man the chance to feel without having to perform, or give, in any way other than by being himself. It’s a rare and precious opportunity for him. One that will change his lovemaking forever as he relaxes into himself. He’ll learn what it is like to feel full bodied, heart connected pleasure. It’s likely that he’s never experienced himself in this way before.

The bonus for the woman who shares this practice with him can be life changing too. As helping him to feel himself this way ensures he will feel her more easily too…yummy for both the giver and receiver!

As this is not about performing, he doesn’t even need to get an erection. He may have the best erection of his life. If he doesn’t nothing is wrong, his body may just be profoundly relaxing. There is still much pleasure he can experience, as surprisingly he doesn’t require an erection to feel it! You both just need to let go of attachment to the idea that an erection is the only measure of his pleasure. Instead notice what else is going on and enjoy that.

Lingam Massage

Setting the Scene

  • Invite your man into the bedroom by letting him know you have a special treat for him, and that all he has to do is just relax!
  • Have him lie on his back with you sitting on a cushion facing him, with his butt in your lap and his throttle in your hot little hands. (You can rest your legs along either side of his chest). This is actually quite a vulnerable position for him to be in so be gentle and loving in how you approach him.
  • Invite him to rest his hands on your knees so he can feel connected to you but make sure he doesn’t caress you as this is about him receiving and feeling himself. If he’s doing he’s more likely to be outside of himself rather than connecting within.
  • Rest both hands over his genitals for a few moments and look him in the eyes whilst reassuring him all he has to do is breathe, relax and receive.
  • Move one had up to his heart and ask him to take a few deep breaths, exhaling out through his mouth.

Moving Into the Massage

  • Using a natural oil such as coconut or a long-lasting lubricant massage his genitals. Include the whole area- his lingam, inner thighs, pubic area, balls, ball sack, and his perineum (the area between his balls and his anus). Don’t be afraid to explore. Keep one hand stroking his lingam (or keep coming back to it) to keep his attention focussed.
  • If he’s particularly sensitive stroke gently, if he likes it more firmly then use more pressure, keep checking in with him how he likes it in each area.
  • Keep encouraging him to breathe deeply, exhaling at the back of his throat.
  • If his arousal starts to peak, pause your movements (but keep your hands on him) ask him to inhale and imagine he’s breathing his pleasure up to his heart. As he exhales he relaxes his pelvic floor muscles (the ones between his legs) and imagines his pleasure spreading through his body. This is called surfing the edge and will bring his arousal down enough for you to keep playing. It might take 3 or 4 breaths for his arousal to shift, you’ll know it’s working when his lingam softens slightly.
  • To help take his pleasure up to his heart, run your hand from his lingam up his belly to his heart. This gives his mind a concrete sensation to focus on. He may feel an ‘energetic block’ between his lingam and his heart, if he does trust this is real, invite him to keep relaxing, breathing his energy up and see what happens. With practice this block will dissolve or shift.

You Have his Heart in Your Hands

You might just be massaging his genitals yet in reality you’ve got his heart in your hands as well. Be fully present with him, allowing his heart to gently crack open a little each time. You keep him safe by being present, loving and connected.

Spend about an 30 mins to an hour here. Take your time, relax into the moment rather than seek any particular outcome.

You don’t need any specific techniques (if you know 2, you’ll know one more than him). Vary your speed, pressure, location (base, middle, tip) and make sure you keep lots of oil or lube up. If you don’t he’ll get sore, and this is not what you want!Self pleasuring is vital for men too

Mostly just put your love into your hands and eyes and invite him to drink it in. This is better than any fancy technique. And the more you’re in your own heart, the more you’ll give him permission to feel his…

Keep His Attention on Himself

Keep his attention on what he’s feeling inside himself, whatever it is. Ask him about what he is feeling occasionally. He may not even have any words for it as yet (he’s probably never been asked to explain it before!).  He may be feeling heat, tingling, desire, pleasure, pressure, softening, connection, opening, expansion.

As you massage remember to breathe yourself, as this keeps your energy flowing and you relaxed too. Enjoy the feeling of having your man allowing you into his most vulnerable of places. Validate him for going there and keep your words to those of love and encouragement. As you imagine you would most like to receive if you were in his position.

Pleasure Can be Separate to an Erection

If your man happens to not get an erection there is nothing wrong. It just means he has some shame, fear or anger being activated for healing. Keep stroking with love and invite your man to stay present in his body and to keep breathing. He might like to rock his hips backwards and forwards as you stroke, this can help shift the emotion.

Be open to whatever happens.

As we said, you might just be massaging his genitals but it is so much more. Such is the power of this practice it can open up all sorts of previously undiscovered places and feelings in a man. One of which will definitely be enormous gratitude!

Getting him used to feeling, and being safe in it, will increase your man’s desire to take his time in lovemaking. To trust opening his heart and to trust you in the process- serious gifts for any relationship!

This practice is the beginning of a man experiencing full bodied pleasure and lasting longer. It is also the path to non ejaculatory orgasms and multiple orgasms. So it’s worth doing regularly and his experience will be different each time. As his lovemaking will become.

If you like this practice and would like to explore further consider bringing in some sexual healing as outlined here on our Sexual Healing page

Despite his conditioning, a man hugely benefits from the chance to explore his ability to feel.  Especially when it comes to the bedroom and it in no way makes him less manly. Rather, it makes him just the opposite!

We respectfully teach Lingam Massage in our Couples Retreats and, where helpful in our Couples Sessions!

If you have any questions about this practice please don’t hesitate to contact us.

Layers of Lovemaking

December 4, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

What comes to mind when you think of making love?

Is it connection, sensuality, pleasure, excitement, orgasm, release or something else?

Is it one or two of these things, or all of them? oral sex lover

Do you even call it making love? Or for you is it having sex, getting laid, rolling in the hay, even hiding the banana in the fruit salad?  Apparently there are over 400 different words we have for this one act and what you like to call it can give you some clues as to the layers in it for you.

Think about it, no matter what you call it or do with it, making love is a multilayered ritual going on all around the world, in each country, city and town in each moment and has been since the beginning of time, no other human ritual is as primal as this one.

Here we identify the many layers that make up making love so you can see what is in it for you right now and what else you might like to explore:

The 9 layers of Lovemaking:

  1. Arousal is the awakening of your physical sexual response- that hot, tingling, aliveness in your body, commonly accompanied by body tension.
  2. Desire- the strong feeling of wanting to make love that can come from a thousand different places, often varying each time ie. the desire to feel pleasure, connection, wanted, ravished, to take or be taken, nurtured, loved, released etc.
  3. Eroticism: the actions intending to arouse sexual desire.
  4. Sensuality is gratification of the five senses- sight, sound, smell, taste and touch, which can involve sexual pleasure but is not limited to it.
  5. High states of arousal can equally be found in high levels of relaxation when activated by the breath.
  6. Emotional connection though the sharing of intimacy and love within sex.
  7. Polarity play between masculine and feminine energies of action/dominance/penetration and beingness/surrender/receptivity.
  8. Orgasm is where sexual pleasure rises to a peak, explodes and then subsides, with or without pelvic floor muscle contrations. During the explosive peak there is an experience of “little death’ or loss of the Ego rational mind, a moment of freedom from the idea of Self.
  9. Transcendence where we go beyond the conditioned mind into a spiritual like state of freedom, being or bliss.

How would you choose to bring in new layers to what you’re currently experiencing?Spiritual Lovemaking with Tantra

If you would like some support in doing so contact us here and begin the conversation about what might be possible!

Have You Ever Said No To Sex?

October 10, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Saying NO To Sex…

Saying Yes to sex, especially a hell Yes! is an affirmation of yourself, of sex and even of life- it is after all an expression of your life force energy, and the more the you say Yes to it the more it will say yes to you!Boundary

And the opposite is also true, a no dampens your response. We can all say no to sex now and again… after a hard day at work, when we’re feeling low in energy or frustrated in our relationship, even men can turn their back at times. It’s important to honour our No’s and not make them wrong. (Nb. If you have a regular no you need to look at that).

But what about a time when you’ve said no without even realising it? If you find you’re just going through the motions in bed, struggling to find pleasure, connection or meaning in your lovemaking ask yourself the question: Have you made a decision to shut your sexuality down?

Our minds have a powerful influence on how we experience ourselves, including our love lives. If you’ve ever not been able to turn your mind off in sex, or daydreamed in an all too real fantasy you’ll know what we mean!

As funny as it might sound, it’s common for people to make the decision to say no to sex (or even pleasure) somewhere inside themselves even if they’ve long forgotten it since. Human beings are very logical creatures and our decision no doubt made good sense to us at the time. Now your internal decision maybe still lurking beneath the surface denying you the pleasure you’re capable of, even making it difficult for you to be fully present in your body. If this is the case, perhaps it’s time to explore your decision and let it go.

There are many and varied reasons you might have chosen, consciously or unconsciously, to shut down sexually, here are just a few. Perhaps you have:

  • Been continually rejected.
  • Negative judgements about yourself that make it difficult to feel good.
  • Been having a really stressful time in your life and just gave up on sex.
  • Been physically unwell.
  • Been unhappy in your relationship.
  • Fears about the emotional vulnerability in good sex.
  • Become older and believe your lack of desire is hormonal or natural.
  • Wanted to punish your partner in some way and so shut down and withheld.
  • Had someone cross your sexual boundary and you shut down to protect yourself.
  • Had a sexual experience that scared you in its pain or intensity.
  • Been conditioned by your family, society or religion that sex is wrong.
  • Had a traumatic time giving birth.
  • Made such a connection with your newborn child you have no room for your partner.
  • Been caught masturbating as a child and shamed about it.
  • Been sexually assaulted.

It’s important to realize that though you might not be able to change the external circumstances in which you said no to your sexual self you can change your belief about it and so change the way you experience your sexuality from here on.

How do you find what your own reason might have been?

Take out a pen and piece of paper, centre into your body (close your eyes, take a few deep breaths and let your attention settle inside yourself) and give yourself permission to write unfiltered. Begin each line with ‘I shut my sexuality down because…’ and write as fast as you can, almost without thinking or stopping to judge your answers. Just let them flow out of you, even if they might not be totally true when you look back at them later, just get them on paper for now.

When you have an answer that has a lot of energy or feels right in your gut take a few minutes to pause, reflect on the thought you’ve stopped at, breathe deep into the feeling(s) that comes with it. Let this feeling(s) flow through and out of you. Notice any details that fill themselves out in your mind as you do so.

When you’re ready, forgive yourself or anyone else involved in the situation that needs forgiving (if you you’re not ready to do this just focus on yourself for now. You might have some further feelings that need to be felt before you find your heart opening again).

Now feel into your body, breathe into your genitals and see what they’re feeling – perhaps more awake, energized, lighter or more ready to open and explore. If so, go to it! You may need to let go of your decision a few times, even during lovemaking, if it’s an old one but with practice it will happen.

 

 

 

Touching Men & Women Differently

September 13, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

As you may have noticed Men’s and Women’s bodies are different…

On the outside, the inside and in how they work.

When it comes to the way we like being touched we’re quite different too.

There are reasons for this, it’s how our bodies are wired, women magnetically and men electrically, we just need to learn how to make the most of them. Of course, as individuals we’re all unique in what we like but we can start with some common ground:

A Woman’s Body

A woman’s body is magnetic in its energy, attracting all over sensations in order to build the high level of sexual intensity she is capable of. Her sexuality is built of many layers and like a crockpot she is at her best over time. Her body works from the outside in, from the top of her head and the tips of her fingers and toes to her centre.

Touching a woman you start from the outside and work slowly towards the centre. Imagine she has a bikini on and the parts covered by the bikini are where you touch last. Stroking the less obvious places like her face, the back of her neck, her ams, hands, feet, inner thighs and buttocks all add to her sexual fire.

In touching her breasts and her sexual centre- her Yoni (the outer and inner parts of a woman’s genitals) you do the same- start from the outside and work your way in, it’s easy when you approach her in this way. Touching her breast, you start at the outside, holding the whole breast in your hand then slowly stroke your way to its apex, the nipple.  With her Yoni you start outside with her belly, thighs and pubic area. Then move to her perineum (between the vagina and anus), outer lips, inner lips, clitoris, then move inside. Inside you begin at her entrance and move to the GSpot and the A and O Spots if desired.

Given time and proper awakening woman is capable of high states of bliss- where relaxation, pleasure and love merge into one. She is capable of orgasms in many different places, many times over, even in her heart and soul. She is capable of ejaculation, a clear, sweet smelling liquid released from her Prostate gland through the urethra, with or without orgasm. Ejaculation can be a few mls up to a few cups, squirted or flowing.

Her sexual energy is magnetic, attracting and negative in quality. Lovemaking transforms it positive, which is why after sex a woman often has an excess of energy and wants to talk or get up and take on the world. Her sexual energy is endless when fully awakened.

This awakening can take anywhere from a few minutes to hours, up to a lifetime.

A Man’s body

A man’s sexuality has traditionally been thought of as straight forward as a microwave- 2-3 mins and beep, beep, beep, he’s done, with his ejaculatory orgasm the apex of his experience. And that for him sex and love are completely separate. This is a gross misunderstanding and merely the outcome of his conditioning rather than his ultimate sexual reality. Man’s sexual energy is electrical, positive and discharging in nature.

In fact, he is capable of equal and matching sexual intensity to a woman, including her capacity for multiple orgasms, both with and without ejaculation. He can have both full bodied pleasure and orgasms without even a hint of an erection or needing to ejaculate, though he most likely doesn’t know it yet.

In touching a man’s body you start as his sexual centre- at his penis, cock or Lingam (wand of Light- yes, guys you have a light sabre between your legs!). You start at his centre and invite him to spread his sexual pleasure through the rest of his body, rather than remaining and being released from here.  You help him in this by stroking one hand from his Lingam across the rest of his body, inviting his sensations and attention to follow, whilst keeping your other hand on his Lingam, his sexual power centre. Beginning at his centre he can relax, open and expand, seeing that he doesn’t need to wait until those few moments at the end for his pleasure.

In connecting with his sex centre this way he feels he has permission to more freely share of his heart, that he has no need to keep it separate and protected. It gives him an experience of his body that is not filled with tension and the primal need to release. Reminding him to breathe deeply and fully will help his pleasure to expand through his body.

Man’s lovemaking transforms his electrical energy negative and is why it can be draining for him if he constantly discharges it from his body. This is where Tantric style lovemaking, which has him move his energy up through his body allowing him to charge his body with it and retain it when he ejaculates is a more restorative pathway.

This awakening can take anywhere from a few minutes to hours up to a lifetime.

Now that you understand the differences between Men and Women’s bodies go play and see the results!

You might find yourself experiencing more orgasmic pleasure as a result!

To see more ways to touch each other see Tantra Massage.

If you’d like to learn more come along to our weekend workshop soon!

 

 

Orgasms: What kind are you having?

September 13, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Orgasms, Orgasms and More Orgasms

As humans we’re capable of many different types of orgasms- 23 kinds in fact!Lovemaking couple looking for orgasms

We often limit ourselves to the idea of just one- peak orgasms, therefore missing out on the many other possibilities that the orgasm offers. Sometimes thinking we’re not even having one when we actually are…

Orgasms come in many shapes and sizes and all of them are valuable- even the little half, almost, ones shouldn’t be dismissed. Why? Well, from little things big things grow!

Orgasms and the search for them (when not under pressure) can bring in some playful and beautiful moments of sexual intimacy too.

So what types of orgasms are there?

As mentioned the most common idea of orgasm is that of peak orgasm: the sudden discharge of accumulated sexual excitement, resulting in rhythmic muscular contractions in the pelvic region characterized by sexual pleasure, often associated with other Ejaculatory Orgasmsinvoluntary actions, including muscular spasms in multiple areas of the body, general euphoric sensation and, frequently, body movements and vocalizations (this is the Oh God, I’m coming moment). In a man, orgasm is generally accompanied by ejaculation, or release of his semen. The period after this orgasm (known as the refractory period) is often a relaxing experience, attributed to the release of oxytocin, prolactin and endorphins.

Other types of orgasm:

Orgasms can be bone shaking and spine tingling; they can also be so subtle that we don’t even realise they’ve happened…even a pleasurable shiver is a kind of body orgasm. Orgasms are generally accompanied by pleasurable sensations of heat and/or tinglings (what we call orgasmic energy), tension, fullness and release but they can also be accompanied by others such as expansion, opening, bliss, freedom- where our ordinary minds switch off and we feel the freedom of being mindless- what is known as the ‘little death of the ego’. We generally feel a change in our physical state after orgasm, we feel relaxed, expanded, lighter, more open or somehow different.

  1. Genital focussed- where the sensations of heat, tingling etc are experienced only around the genitals, generally peak style.
  2. Full body orgasm- where the sensations are experienced in many or most areas of the body. Sensations can be more fluid.
  3. Ejaculatory- the orgasmic energy is accompanied by the pleasurable release of semen, or female ejaculate called Amrita.
  4. Non ejaculatory- orgasmic energy peaks without fluid release (for men too). Energy sex
  5. Explosive- where the pleasure seems to explode out of your body.
  6. Implosive- where the pleasure expands through your body, can feel like pleasure or melting/opening sensations.
  7. Multiple Orgasms– several ongoing peaks and releases of orgasmic energy, generally without fluid release every time.
  8. Spot Orgasms- P spot for men (either external or internal); Clitoral, G, P, A, C, U and Cervix for women. Clitoral orgasms are usually limited, others can be multiple, particularly the P and G spots.
  9. PC Orgasm- yes, contracting your pelvic floor muscles and breathing fully can actually take you into an orgasm.
  10. Valley Orgasm- this is where it can seem like nothing is happening but if you allow yourself to drop into it (in those moments of stillness during lovemaking that we so hope you’re having) where surrender happens and you open into something else, hard to define, it can be filled with connection, love, peace, expansion and more. You know it’s happening as your state has changed, worth exploring.
  11. Solo Orgasm- the ones you have by yourself can be truly delicious if you take your time.
  12. Anal Orgasm- your anus has a large range of nerve endings that can be awakened to pleasure.
  13. Non genital orgasm- arousal and peak/release of orgasmic energy can be experienced anywhere in the body- not only nipples but given time and consistent tantric stroking virtually any area of the body can become orgasmic.
  14. Breathgasms- through breathing alone.
  15. Mindgasms- where your fantasy takes you all the way.
  16. Spontaneous Orgasm- can happen anywhere at anytime eg. during exercise, if you’re energy sensitive or just lucky.
  17. Chakra Orgasm- energy expansion and release in a chakra ie. the heart or third eye (can be visual).
  18. Transcending orgasm- where the orgasmic energy expands up your spine.
  19. Emotional Orgasm- the pleasure that can arise after a release of emotion in lovemaking.Sensual Woman
  20. Soul Orgasm- may not be associated with physical pleasure but contains images or senses that relate to us personally eg. feeling reborn or having a glimpse of infinity. Afterwards you feel a profound shift in the state of your body.
  21. Spiritual Orgasms- a sense of being at one with everything.
  22. Firebreath Orgasm- this is one we teach at our workshops and is a combination of many of the above!
  23. Anorgasm- no orgasm, or at least orgasm as we traditionally think of it. This occurs in 1 in 3 women during sexual play and up to 2/3 of women during penetration. It is rare, (or rarely reported as a problem) in men.

How do we experience more orgasms?

The main skill in experiencing more varieties of orgasms is in understanding what is possible, having an open mind and being willing to hang around in lovemaking long enough to experience it. Men are generally more single genital orgasm focussed but this is by no means what they are limited to.
The next step is to explore:
Stroking new areas of your body with your full presence, for touch helps to awaken your sensations, and your presence helps you (and your lover) to experience them.
Playing with your breath as breathing is the driver of your pleasure, (especially as you get close to orgasm and as you go into it. Most people stop breathing here not knowing they’re depriving themselves of greater pleasure!).
Keeping your body relaxed rather than tense as energy flows through relaxed muscles!
Keeping your attention inside your body as this is where orgasms happen.
Make friends with your pelvic floor as its contractions are literally a sexual energy pump!
Try some different positions.
Using your imagination (for where the mind goes the energy follows)
Letting go of trying too hard to get there, tensing up and overriding your pleasure.

Make orgasm a pleasurable journey of exploration rather than merely a goal to achieve.

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