Men's Wellbeing Archives - Relationship & Sexuality Counselling Specialists

Lingam Massage

February 8, 2018 By Annette & Graeme 2 Comments

Lingam Massage.

It’s The Hottest Thing You Can Do For Your Man In Bed Tonight (and one that is good for you too!)

And all you need to grab for it, is a handful of oil or lubricant and your man…

“I didn’t know how to feel, so I learned to touch” sings Leonard Cohen

This is true for so many men. Young boys feel just as much as girls, until they grow up conditioned by society to toughen up, “not be a pussy” or worst of all to “man up!”

In our work, we see that men DO feel, deeply and powerfully, in a way that is more of an internal experience rather than an external expression (anger and sex are the two exceptions here).

We see it in our work because the place where men are most motivated to risk feeling fully is in sex. The bonuses of him doing so pay off in many more ways than just the few seconds of his orgasm.

From not having permission to feel, and with his way of feeling made wrong, many men learn to perform and touch in sex, rather feel, connect and open.

Rock His World

The simple but profound practice we’re offering today will give him the chance to do just that. In fact, it can help break his heart wide open! For the woman who loves him, if she’s looking for more ‘connection’ in their lovemaking this is a great place to find it. And as we said, it impacts on more than just the bedroom.

This practice can leave him happier and more connected to himself in the rest of his world too. The practice we’re referring to is Tantric Practice called a Lingam Massage (Lingam is the Tantric name for his penis or cock, but use whatever works for you. Many men enjoy knowing they have a light sabre between their legs, one that emits love and light, not just semen).

In preparation for writing this article we asked some men who’ve experienced it for their own words on the subject.

If there’s anything that will render a man poetic, it’s this place

One man described a Lingam massage as “joining all the dots of sex, intimacy and connection. It validated a very deep part of me and made me feel comfortable with myself in a whole new way. It may sound over the top, but for me it was life changing!”

Another mentioned finding “a place of spaciousness, a timeless experience of my authentic power that lies beyond the mind.”

Still another said “I found I was not only able to feel more but was able to open my heart to my partner and really receive her love.”

One said “I now see how much more I can be. I’m now able to fully love my beautiful wife as she deserves to be loved, and I feel deserving of hers.”

And last but not least this: “I found it powerful yet subtle. It was very pleasurable and enjoyable without the need to perform in any way. I could just open and experience what was happening in my body. It helped me remove shame and guilt around my sexuality and sexual desire. It also connected me to a deep, yet quiet, sense of myself and my own power.”

Letting Go of the Need to Perform

Lingam massage gives a man the chance to feel without having to perform, or give, in any way other than by being himself. It’s a rare and precious opportunity for him. One that will change his lovemaking forever as he relaxes into himself. He’ll learn what it is like to feel full bodied, heart connected pleasure. It’s likely that he’s never experienced himself in this way before.

The bonus for the woman who shares this practice with him can be life changing too. As helping him to feel himself this way ensures he will feel her more easily too…yummy for both the giver and receiver!

As this is not about performing, he doesn’t even need to get an erection. He may have the best erection of his life. If he doesn’t nothing is wrong, his body may just be profoundly relaxing. There is still much pleasure he can experience, as surprisingly he doesn’t require an erection to feel it! You both just need to let go of attachment to the idea that an erection is the only measure of his pleasure. Instead notice what else is going on and enjoy that.

Lingam Massage

Setting the Scene

Invite your man into the bedroom by letting him know you have a special treat for him, and that all he has to do is just relax!
Have him lie on his back with you sitting on a cushion facing him, with his butt in your lap and his throttle in your hot little hands. (You can rest your legs along either side of his chest). This is actually quite a vulnerable position for him to be in so be gentle and loving in how you approach him.
Invite him to rest his hands on your knees so he can feel connected to you but make sure he doesn’t caress you as this is about him receiving and feeling himself. If he’s doing he’s more likely to be outside of himself rather than connecting within.
Rest both hands over his genitals for a few moments and look him in the eyes whilst reassuring him all he has to do is breathe, relax and receive.
Move one had up to his heart and ask him to take a few deep breaths, exhaling out through his mouth.

Moving Into the Massage

Using a natural oil such as coconut or a long-lasting lubricant massage his genitals. Include the whole area- his lingam, inner thighs, pubic area, balls, ball sack, and his perineum (the area between his balls and his anus). Don’t be afraid to explore. Keep one hand stroking his lingam (or keep coming back to it) to keep his attention focussed.
If he’s particularly sensitive stroke gently, if he likes it more firmly then use more pressure, keep checking in with him how he likes it in each area.
Keep encouraging him to breathe deeply, exhaling at the back of his throat.
If his arousal starts to peak, pause your movements (but keep your hands on him) ask him to inhale and imagine he’s breathing his pleasure up to his heart. As he exhales he relaxes his pelvic floor muscles (the ones between his legs) and imagines his pleasure spreading through his body. This is called surfing the edge and will bring his arousal down enough for you to keep playing. It might take 3 or 4 breaths for his arousal to shift, you’ll know it’s working when his lingam softens slightly.
To help take his pleasure up to his heart, run your hand from his lingam up his belly to his heart. This gives his mind a concrete sensation to focus on. He may feel an ‘energetic block’ between his lingam and his heart, if he does trust this is real, invite him to keep relaxing, breathing his energy up and see what happens. With practice this block will dissolve or shift.

You Have his Heart in Your Hands

You might just be massaging his genitals yet in reality you’ve got his heart in your hands as well. Be fully present with him, allowing his heart to gently crack open a little each time. You keep him safe by being present, loving and connected.

Spend about an 30 mins to an hour here. Take your time, relax into the moment rather than seek any particular outcome.

You don’t need any specific techniques (if you know 2, you’ll know one more than him). Vary your speed, pressure, location (base, middle, tip) and make sure you keep lots of oil or lube up. If you don’t he’ll get sore, and this is not what you want!

Mostly just put your love into your hands and eyes and invite him to drink it in. This is better than any fancy technique. And the more you’re in your own heart, the more you’ll give him permission to feel his…

Keep His Attention on Himself

Keep his attention on what he’s feeling inside himself, whatever it is. Ask him about what he is feeling occasionally. He may not even have any words for it as yet (he’s probably never been asked to explain it before!). He may be feeling heat, tingling, desire, pleasure, pressure, softening, connection, opening, expansion.

As you massage remember to breathe yourself, as this keeps your energy flowing and you relaxed too. Enjoy the feeling of having your man allowing you into his most vulnerable of places. Validate him for going there and keep your words to those of love and encouragement. As you imagine you would most like to receive if you were in his position.

Pleasure Can be Separate to an Erection

If your man happens to not get an erection there is nothing wrong. It just means he has some shame, fear or anger being activated for healing. Keep stroking with love and invite your man to stay present in his body and to keep breathing. He might like to rock his hips backwards and forwards as you stroke, this can help shift the emotion.

Be open to whatever happens.

As we said, you might just be massaging his genitals but it is so much more. Such is the power of this practice it can open up all sorts of previously undiscovered places and feelings in a man. One of which will definitely be enormous gratitude!

Getting him used to feeling, and being safe in it, will increase your man’s desire to take his time in lovemaking. To trust opening his heart and to trust you in the process- serious gifts for any relationship!

This practice is the beginning of a man experiencing full bodied pleasure and lasting longer. It is also the path to non ejaculatory orgasms and multiple orgasms. So it’s worth doing regularly and his experience will be different each time. As his lovemaking will become.

If you like this practice and would like to explore further consider bringing in some sexual healing as outlined here on our Sexual Healing page

Despite his conditioning, a man hugely benefits from the chance to explore his ability to feel. Especially when it comes to the bedroom and it in no way makes him less manly. Rather, it makes him just the opposite!

We respectfully teach Lingam Massage in our Couples Retreats and, where helpful in our Couples Sessions!

If you have any questions about this practice please don’t hesitate to contact us.

Making it easier to see each other

November 5, 2015 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Men and Women ARE different…

Can you relate to the feeling of being totally unseen by your partner? Of having to nag them over and over to do something for you, and even though they say they care, they still don’t do it?

Or having answered them in a way that you think is perfectly clear, only to have your partner go on and on as if you hadn’t even spoken? As if they totally are from Venus whilst you are from Mars?

Men and women ARE different in many ways. Even though modern thinkers are trying to homogenise us and treat us all as equal. But being equal is very different to being the same.

This is especially true when it comes to our difficulties in communicating with each other.

What lies behind these communication difficulties is not so much what we’re saying, but the misleading perceptions we have of each other that drive the way we hear each other.

For example:

Often as women, we believe that a man should be “more feminine”, more sensitive and wordy in communicating, so that we can feel understood. We judge him as wrong or inadequate when he isn’t.

Men too can harbour the belief that a woman would be better off being “more masculine”, more straightforward and direct, making them easier to communicate with. They judge women as wrong, or too emotional when they’re indirect as it makes men uncomfortable.

We see each other through our own filters rather than seeing and appreciating our differences.

Simply not understanding these differences in perception can leave us feeling unheard, uncared about, disrespected and unloved. It creates polarisation, causing unhelpful behaviours that result in men and women growing apart when they communicate, rather than brining them the closeness they BOTH long for.

There is more to be gained in understanding and celebrating our differences as men and women. Rather than trying to minimize or neglect our uniqueness, particularly if we do so from a place of defensiveness, fuelled by misunderstanding and ignorance.

Domestic violence is not a gender issue

The current debate around domestic violence is an example of this polarisation. This hugely important debate is unfortunately degenerating into a gender issue. One which is mostly driven by knee jerking, but well meaning politicians and women’s leaders in their drive for much needed funding. When an issue that impacts both men and women is made out to appear gender specific, it only polarises both genders. This makes clear communication unnecessarily more challenging, and creates communication difficulties that could have otherwise been avoided.

Yes, men and women are obviously different. Some differences are easy to spot, and some are more subtle in how we act, feel, communicate and react to each other. These differences are part of why we’re attracted to each other.

Not understanding creates powerlessness

In any relationship over time, repeated experiences of feeling unheard or unmet through this not seeing each other leaves both partners feeling disconnected, frustrated and powerless. Even hopeless if it goes on long enough.

From our place of hurt we try to get our power back by taking the offensive (actively attacking or withdrawing). This gives us a few moments of powerfulness over the other. However, it leaves the attacked person in protection mode, where it is extremely difficult for them to defend themselves, and to support us (what we are looking for) at the same time. Meaning each protagonist ends up alone and isolated from each other.

Seeking to understand and appreciate our differences gives power to both people, especially when we both step out of playing games of protection or manipulation, and step into empowering each other.

The thing is that either we’re BOTH empowered or NEITHER of us truly are. Any games of one upmanship only cause unending frustration and separation.

So how ARE we different?

Here is a little look at how men and women are different in their inherent natures, how these differences impact and what we can do to benefit from them. This list is extensive, yet by no means exhaustive.

Of course, underneath our gender we are all just human.

MAN:

A man is internally motivated and more likely to follow his own path, to be driven by his inner sense of self.
He is largely self reliant and single focussed, accountable for his words and actions.
His singular focus, his cutting through the messy or the unnecessary in order to achieve clarity takes energy.
He sees his needs as having paramount importance because ‘He gets, so He can give’.
He expresses himself through his opinions, actions and achievements, that to him, are vulnerable expressions of his individual self that is seeking to seen and loved. When he talks, he is not simply telling details, he is empowering himself with the energy of his storytelling. That’s why he loves to tell stories, the more outlandish the better.
Man needs woman, for he is fascinated, nurtured, energised and inspired by her beauty, mystery and appreciation of him.
He seeks to do things for her, to me
He loves becoming part of her team in achieving her desired outcomes and feels enlivened by her contentment.
He highly values woman’s independence and though he loves to help, he doesn’t wish to get involved in her ‘issues’, for he sees these as draining of his precious life energy and having no obvious solution.
He may not see woman’s nurturing of him, as he forgets himself in his warrior like pursuit of his goals.
When his own offerings are unheard or rejected by his woman, he will feel unworthy and a failure. Asking a man to provide you with what you know he cannot is particularly cruel for him.

WOMAN:

A woman is externally motivated and responds more automatically to others needs and preferences than to her own.
She will seek her sense of self through connection with others, supporting and enhancing herself through helping them, though she does not seek ultimate responsibility for herself.
Her magic is in her vulnerability, her receptiveness and her ability to give of herself.
Nurturing, companionship, listening, sharing, playfulness, spontaneity, trust and appreciation are some of her many gifts.
She is also fullness, beauty, radiance, beingness and love.
She fills herself by receiving from nature, creativity and pleasure.
She is happy in the moment and in the messiness of life.
Her focus is more on the details and the process, rather than the outcome. She will not understand that this is the opposite to a man and will drain both herself, and him, by nagging him into attending to them.
She seeks agreement and commonality and without it feels disconnected, anxious and distant.
Without connection with another she can feel a loss of connection with herself.
Woman needs man to love, protect, provide for, cherish and ravish her. Even though she is much more able to do these things for herself these days, she is still enlivened by his appreciation, his providing for and love of her.
She believes that if a man doesn’t see all her efforts to please and care for him and respond in kind as a woman would, he is a selfish bastard, leaving her exhausted and filled with resentment and bitterness.

When a man is unseen by woman:

He is left powerless in the face of her protection and it brings out the opposite of his true nature. He will seek distance instead of intimacy (what she least wants). He may choose to compete with her rather than cherish her. He may anticipate with suspicion rather than trust. Instead of natural respect he might treat her with disdain.

His response to a woman’s weapons is one of shock, dismay, disbelief and a loss of his power, resulting in fury and rage. As he begins to relate from a place of fear rather than of love he will seek to objectify her rather than feel her, as to feel in this would be too dangerous. His rage has little place to go, as even in his pain, his desire to protect rather than retaliate is strong. He will often (though not always) choose to shut down instead. From his own place of disempowerment he can resort to same weapons as the woman uses. Any acts of physical violence are purely his last resort.

When a woman is unseen by man:

When she has given her all and is left unseen, a woman will understandably seek to protect herself from further hurt. This is the opposite of her true receptive nature. She will do protect herself consciously, or unconsciously, by covertly attempting to take away her man’s power, the only obvious step for the disempowered.

Her weapons are withholding her appreciation, her admiration, her trust and of course, her sex. She can also criticise, interrupt, complain about or ignore him. She might compare him unfavourably with others, show disinterest in or demean his ideas, his earning ability or smothering him with ‘Mother Knows Best’. She can also withhold her joy, radiance and beauty (a vital source of energy for him). Her emotionally abusive weapons are more socially acceptable than physical violence (though occasionally she can resort to this as well), but they’re nonetheless devastating to her man.

Turning the tables and seeing each other more clearly:

Instead of playing these games of hurt and protection, men and women can choose to be proactive and minimise the hurt by the following:

Man can:

Remember that woman’s beauty and radiance is enhanced by his appreciation and compliments, giving them regularly.
Choose to drop his need to self protect and call his woman on her defences from a place of clarity and love, rather than anger. His anger will dissipate and he will feel reconnected with himself and his innate loving power.
Recognise that he is enough in himself and let go of his ego need to be “right”
Understand that sometimes his desire to “fix” things doesn’t work for a woman, unless it involves a leaky tap or unblocking the vacuum cleaner
Understand that simply listening with presence and allowing her intensity to run, then subside naturally, is a deeply loving space for him to hold for her
Know that even though his role in relationship may no longer be that of protector and provider in the traditional way, his heart and his passion are still what she seeks.
See the sheer beauty and humour in their differences with laughter, for laughter is a great intensity shifter.

Woman can:

Choose to drop her weapons and instead truly revel in her own inner power, beauty and radiance so man can again love, appreciate and care for her.
Nurture herself through her own gifts, coming to him empowered rather than trying to get something from him.
Rather than over giving of herself, clearly asking him for help from a place of self worth.
Remembering he is goal, rather than task driven by letting him know what outcome his help will create for her, and asking what he needs to help her achieve it. Giving her appreciation afterwards.
Be open to receiving, an opinion, a compliment, a gift, or man’s love. In her receptivity he feels inspired to give.
Be able to listen to him without needing to interrupt, judge or justify herself and he will feel accepted by her and his heart will open in return. (This doesn’t mean he can’t appreciate an occasional good argument and feel her in her intensity).
When she ask for things, disagrees with him, or talks with him, to do so from her place of love where he will more likely hear her.

Underneath we are all just looking for love, and to give love.

As you can see, this is a large and complex topic, but having some simple understandings can allow huge shifts to happen in your relationship with the ‘opposite’ sex.

Remembering that underneath our defences we are all just looking for love and acceptance in one way or another, and in that we are definitely both equal AND the same.

For those of you seeking more on this intriguing subject see the wonderful work by Alison Armstrong on which some of this article is based.

And for those who would like to explore this in more detail in their own relationships contact Oztantra for a Skype session here

Do Men Only Want Sex?

July 28, 2015 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Is it really true…. ?

When I hear the words “men are only interested in sex…” I feel angry, angry at how easily as a man I feel I have been judged. It is an instant flash of heat and fire when I feel labeled as an unfeeling block of wood that only wants to sex. Yes, I do love sex but most importantly, I love making love, not as an unfeeling block of wood, but as a deeply loving, emotionally connected man.

I am a man who has focused my last 15 years on learning and connecting with my emotionality. I am no longer the same person, I no longer live in the same part of the world, where I lived for 54 years, or work at anything remotely resembling what I was doing when I started this journey.

What I have begun to understand is that the more I find out, the more I realise I don’t know. This has not been an easy journey for me to learn and understand emotional heart connection and I still feel intensity when I hear this judgment towards men.

Do Men Only Want sex….?

Or is it they want more, just don’t know how to say it…

I agree, that men have earned this judgment and men including myself have been unfeeling fuckers and there are reasons but really no excuses. I feel sad for myself and all those men who have been conditioned from very early in their lives to believe that emotions are wrong and not to be shown, shared or expressed.

It was confronting for me to accept, understand or even acknowledge how emotionally closed I was, yet that was my normal in my world back then. In my previous life I was in a long term marriage that ended, a farmer and earth moving contractor, and in that world emotions received the same level of social acceptance as contracting a sexually transmitted disease.

Embarking on this journey is the most challenging direction I have taken in my life, breaking the shackles around my heart, breaking my conditioned self inflicted mold and living life from my heart in a more emotionally connected way, thankfully without the STD.

Do Women Want Men to be Different ?

And yes, I have hit fear and resistance from women, purely because it is not ‘normal’ for any man to be in his empowerment from this place.

The good news is modern trends are indicating gradual change for both men and women away from stereotypes of the past towards more middle ground. Increasingly, men are willingly choosing more active family roles such as being the stay at home primary care giver, performing more house work and sexually, men are becoming less driven by their urges and more by their desire for emotional connection.

Observing this change is simple, in any public place observe how many fathers are present with their children, it is much more common than two decades ago.

Men Want Heart Connected Sex

This is good for men who desire much more connection in sex, in their relationships and their lives. What is changing, is men are becoming aware of and validating their own emotional needs and desires- recognizing that they can and do actually feel, even if they don’t have the same language to express it as a woman might.

And yes, men do desire sex but more importantly, more men are desiring and seeking heart connected sex.

Men are coming in from the emotional cold and seeking heart connection, which, I believe is helping to drive the resurgence of interest in Tantra.

Traditionally, women have held the emotional high ground in relationships and with this change of emotional alignment, increasing numbers of men are meeting women more in this place of sensitive intimate connection.

Are Women Prepared For Emotionally Connected Men ?

Are women ready and prepared to embrace this change and be met by men in their traditional emotional high ground?

At Oztantra we are regularly witnessing this shift in our relationship and intimacy work with couples, men standing up in their emotional heart and calling his woman into deeper intimacy and vulnerability in their relationship and in intimate lovemaking. Quite often, all it takes to leap forward, is simply offering language translation and understanding allowing deepening connections to develop naturally.

Men are seeking and reclaiming their rightful place in heart connected sex with their partner and this is changing relationship dynamics. Through our work with relationships, we are aware that in intimate relationships, it is generally men who have capacity for and do bring heart depth into relationship.

Men have natural masculine capacity for real strength and depth of heart, simply because of their ability to focus clearly on one thing at a time and when choosing to deepen emotional connection, he does exactly that and from his inner masculine strength. This is what woman desires to feel in her relationship with man.

If you’re a woman who desires her man to meet her like this, then be careful for what you wish for and prepare to be deeply penetrated in your heart.

Experiencing a man in his emotionally connected sexual heart can be challenging for a woman because when he goes there, he really goes there.

Men Bring Heart into relationship, And Women Bring Sex..

Looking beneath and past the conditioned surface appearance of relationship, where it is so easy to accept the common logic of men bring sex and a woman heart, it becomes possible to see that with real depth, it is men who bring heart depth into relationship and women bring heart connected sex.

When men are emotionally disconnected from themselves, they bypass heart and proceed immediately into seeking just sex. If in doubt, ask yourself what is it that you most desire from your partner? A woman most often desires to feel the depth and strength of her man’s open heart, and a man desires to be met in open heart connected sexual freedom with his woman.

When each goes deeper and brings their individual gifts of heart and sex into relationship separate from traditional stereotypes, real magic happens.

This is why porn is directed towards men and the romance industry is aimed at women, and when either or both are playing this external superficial game and disconnected from the depth underneath, both soon feel empty.

And, unfortunately when seeking more of the same from outside of themselves only increases feelings of emptiness. These habits cease when the real thing is created together at home, with emptiness replaced by contentment, fulfillment, fun and pleasure.

Men do want sex, but awakening men desire heart connected sex and this is the difference. Connecting with this part of himself is a life changing experience which permeates through him, his relationship, family and community. It’s like tossing a pebble into a pond and watching the ripples spread out.

Men Connecting Emotionality with Heart and Sexuality

Energetically, the masculine heart is different to the feminine and this is a good thing. Feminine heart is more universal, inclusive and connected to her surroundings, spirit and universe. Masculine heart is deeply personal, grounded and connected in his soul, his sense of self.

This expands and strengthens with his emotional heart connection, which he brings into relationship. In this place, man desires sexual heart connection with his woman.

As men own more of their emotionality, they begin to feel more depth of heart connection with their sexuality. Deepening into heart and making love from this place is what man is capable of bringing into relationship.

Stereotyping man shames this part of him, shames his sensitive heart and sense of self with his normal reaction being, closing down emotionally and further closing his heart, turning him away from his true emotional heart connected self.

Our World Desperately Needs more Heart Connected Men…

Breaking this destructive cycle is as simple as supporting men in their journey of self discovery by validating their masculine heart, their emotionality and help create for the world more of what it most urgently needs.

The ABC of Coming Together!

April 6, 2015 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

The ABC of Coming Together

Two people scaling the heights of their sexual pleasure reaching the ultimate peak of togetherness by ‘coming’ at the same time…

That’s not what we’re talking about.

We’re talking about something much more important.

Not the ABC AIRWAY, BREATHING & CIRCULATION resuscitation technique but something equally life sustaining:

ATTENTION, BREATH & CONNECTION- The No. 1 technique to transform your relationship

-The coming together of your mind and body!

Much of the time we walk around disconnected from ourselves only half alive, half available, living in our heads with facts more highly valued over feelings. Our culture supports and validates this way of being. We cram more and more information in our heads from so called experts external to ourselves but what are we actually doing with it?

Living this way we’re disconnected from the reality of our physical form, as well as our feeling and other subtle realms, whether you believe in them or not that help create the magic in life and relationship. It leads us to THINK our feelings rather than authentically FEEL them. Feelings are not facts but they are an important part of our communication and survival systems and literally the juice in life and relationships.

For what are happiness, joy, love, connection, excitement, freedom, peace, pleasure and bliss but feelings??

This disconnection inside of us makes it harder to know who WE are AND how to really connect with another.

This simple ABC practice is about coming into union with YOURSELF.

Pause.
Take your ATTENTION from your thoughts to your body.
Use your mind to notice what you are experiencing- feeling your body sitting, standing or lying, along with any physical sensations of relaxation, tension, heat, cold, tingling etc you can notice.
BREATHE consciously, slightly deeper than normal.

Conscious Breathing connects mind and body.

Scan your body and CONNECT with what is happening inside of it, especially your chest, belly and throat. Notice any more subtle sensations such as heaviness, lightness, tension, butterflies, anxiety, frustration, peace, happiness etc. It can help to place one hand on your belly and the other on your chest. You may also experience nothing, and nothing is still something.
Stay present with this for a few moments, allow whatever is there just to be there exactly as it is with acceptance. This is known as ‘witnessing’ your feelings- keeping your attention on them, breathing into them, experiencing them exactly as they are without suppressing or accelerating them.
If it helps, name the feeling to yourself but avoid going into a story about what the feeling means as this will take you away from it. There is nothing to do here other than dropping into this experience.

Welcome home. This is you coming together experiencing yourself more fully. Centred in yourself. Self aware. Comfortable or not, from this place both life and relationships work.

Usually we don’t notice our bodies until they let us know they are there by some kind of malfunction or pain. If you get familiar with the pain it will no longer control you. If you check in when there is no pain you get to know more of what amazing feelings you’re capable of and strengthen the relationship between you, your body and yourself.

Practice Coming Together Regularly

Whenever you have a moment. The more you say yes to your body the more it will say yes to you.

In the beginning you may need to stop and close your eyes to do this. With practice you can do it with your eyes open (and without using your hands) anywhere, anytime no matter what is happening around you- in a meeting, on a run, having a shower, making love.

Emotions Eek!

For those of you who shy away from the idea of feelings this is not about inviting a melodrama of emotion into your life, rather inviting you closer to reap the true benefits from them.

For those of you who live in a world full of often overwhelming emotions this is not about creating more intensity rather giving you control over the ones you already have, developing some emotional intelligence and win/win successes in your relationship.

The benefits of your ABC practice and your mind/body relationship will continue to unfold through the rest of your life.

Tantric Sex for Men – Oztantra

February 9, 2015 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Tantric sex for men

In my journey of self exploration and discovery, I have had many realisations, and one of them is tantric sex for men is mostly unexplored and poorly understood.

Actually, the more I discover about Tantric sex, the more I realise I don’t know, as I also believe that learning Tantra is finding that place of limitless and connection that exists in all of us.

I have also reached an understanding that with heart and sexuality connection where there exists potential for significant increases in pleasure and heart felt satisfaction with your partner.

What this actually looks and feels like for a man, is in his ability to be able to fully tap into and connect with his own awesome power in all aspects of his life.

From the Boardroom to the Bedroom

This potential exists not only in the bedroom but from the boardroom to the clubroom and every aspect in between.

For a man connecting with his heart is also him connecting with his warrior self, as they reside in the same place in a man, in his heart.

Because, when a man confronts his fears and gives himself permission to fully connect his heart and sexuality also includes accessing and owning his warrior self. Warrior intensity comes from the power in a man’s heart, and the healthy masculine warrior is pure heart.

Our couples Retreat is the perfect forum for any man to learn these skills with his partner.

Warrior Sex

In recent times, the term “warrior” has had a bad rap, as so much of man’s unhealthy shadow is seen as coming from this aspect and most men have fear about this and hold this part of themselves in denial. As men, denying our warrior makes our unhealthy shadow aspect even deeper and much harder to manage.

If your wondering what this unhealthy masculine looks like, then examples are all around us. Watch any news media and nearly all the story’s are about money, sex or power. These aspects are all part of the healthy masculine as well, but the healthy masculine is heart connected which totally changes any outcome. Money, sex and power without heart is behind majority of conflicts, economic difficulties and environmental challenges. It takes heart connected masculine energy to change these problems, and that is the healthy warrior.

A man in his heart connected with his warrior is a man that will stand up and protect his heart, himself, family, community and his place in this world.

It is a challenge for any man to connect with and honor this part of himself, as so much of our cultural political correctness supports the shaming of this essential aspect of healthy and sacred masculinity. It takes real courage for a man to stand up for what he believes is right, as quite often this requires him challenging societal norms. Healthy masculine will also challenge and call out wounded feminine behaviours but in a way that is healing for woman.

Connecting with his warrior self is a journey deeply into himself and must include experiencing himself with other men in healthy masculine space.

A man connecting with his warrior is accessing his depth of inner masculine strength that all men have, yet most carry shame or confusion about connecting with this essential part of masculinity. Warrior is the healthy part of masculinity that grounds and holds safety for himself and those around him, especially when a man decides to open his heart and connect with his sexuality and with his partner.

Men have been shamed out of this place and have confusion as to what healthy masculine sexuality looks and feels like.

It is this healthy connection with his inner strength or warrior that will hold him grounded and safe in opening his heart in intimate sexual connection in his relationships.

Relationship Sex is the Best Sex

I also believe that for most men, this intensely pleasurable sexual potential is best achieved and maintained in committed and long term relationships, where all these aspects can flourish and develop.

This special and healthy gift of sacred masculinity requires nurturing, expression and connection.

Man’s fuel of desire for sexual connection comes from his open loving heart, and this is best achieved for most men in healthy relationships.

Healthy sexual desire is heart connected and heart energized for any man, and if in doubt ask a woman what she most desires in her man and it is usually to feel his loving open heart, to feel his power in loving presence.

Yet, for a man to tap into this sexual potential is much more than simply being physically capable, for it requires emotional awareness, connection and courage to really be able to connect to his true sexual heart capability.

This connection is internal and doesn’t require any mystical or esoteric skills from outside.

For any man, simply being emotionally aware and understanding and fully grasping and accessing his own vulnerable heart sexual connection is where it all begins.

Sexual Power

Strength of connection to his sexual power will require a man to be fully connected and grounded in his body and heart. This is not about being overtly sexual but simply recognizing and owning his heart intensity and sexual power. In this place, it is important for any man to claim and own his masculinity in how it is for him, and most often this may look different to how a woman would desire it to be. If in doubt, simply consider the differences between the romance industry for women and the porn industry for men. Both have their appeal, but don’t really appeal to the other. This is where men quite often become derailed in their journey into their masculinity, as they believe they have to play “the game” to get what they want from the opposite sex. This is why it is important that any man’s journey into his masculinity requires plenty of healthy masculine connection.

When heart and sexuality are accessed and activated and connected, a man begins to feel his true power. It is in this place that man can truly connect with his inner warrior and feel his own strength and power surging through his body. Making love from this place is like nothing else, for a man can be fully in his power and feel it surging through his body, or simply be quiet and in stillness.

Mastering the skills of separating ejaculation and orgasm requires a man to feel his power, as men require access to their feeling of inner strength to manage and hold ejaculation energy successfully with out needing to shut it down. Ejaculation energy in a man is pure heart and is the energy force that creates life and requires clarity and focus to manage this energy into full bodied pleasure.

Ejaculation energy is pure heart energy with the power to create life.

Tantric lovemaking is about creating more of everything, including ramping up your ejaculation heart intensity and multi orgasmic energy and this also applies to women as well. In tantric lovemaking, this combined energy is truly breathtaking.

This masculine ejaculation heart energy creates heat for intense full body multiple orgasms, which further deepens open heart and inner connection and vulnerability with the power of sexual connection holding all this together.

It takes a man who is fully in his power to hold himself in this place and meet his partner in lovemaking.

The stronger heart connection that any man can create for himself in his relationship, the more loving pleasure he will experience during sex.

And, so will his partner, for a women desires to feel this part of her man, and if in doubt, ask her…..

In this place of accessing his masculine warrior strength during lovemaking will also impact on his partner in a deeply loving and subtle way. A woman will feel met, held and safe enabling her to open into her sacred surrender.

Gspot

A women’s Gspot is an energy point that is highly sensitive and receptive to this masculine energy and both can easily experience deeply loving, satisfying heart connected lovemaking with very little movement.

This is tantric lovemaking in its simplest form.

Men and Sex

January 12, 2015 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Why do Men Want Sex ?

And why is sex important …. ?

Men and sex – as a man, have you ever wondered why sex is so important and why it can be such a minefield of confusion? And, if you’re a woman have you ever wondered why you are so often objectified by men?

It is also important to recognize that most men feel confusion over the intensity and power they feel in their sexual energy and how to be with this. This can also increase feelings of vulnerability and fear for a man, in how to be with this and what to actually do with the potent sexual intensity coursing through their bodies. Yet men have very few opportunities and places to learn about this in a healthy and constructive way.

Why are Boys Treated Differently ?

From the moment they are born, boys are treated differently. (as a father of 2 daughters and a son, I know this one) If you don’t believe this, then take note of how you feel when you see a baby, but aren’t aware of what gender it is. Then recognise how your feelings alter when you discover its gender.

This is not wrong and is normal and healthy, but it’s the choices made with what to do with these feelings of difference is what can create problems. All to often, simply because they are boys, they are left wanting and craving affection as some adults “believe” it will toughen him up or they will grow up “unmanly”.

From birth, boys are treated differently from girls and unfortunately this difference equates to less intimacy, hugs and affection for boys than what they really need as they grow up. Boys need just as much loving touch, loving hugs, loving contact as girls. Most boys don’t get adequate loving attention, and this is where problems start.

Boys and Intimacy

When a boy is deprived of intimacy, he will feel neglected or rejected and will seek connection or solace outside of themselves through attention seeking behaviour, substance abuse, aggressive behavior or other shadow behaviors. Feeling this hurt or pain has become his normal, so instead of feeling nurtured and loved he may often develop emotional numbing behavior patterns to simply stop the pain.

Often, a man’s hurt is from unresolved issues with his mother and if left unresolved will often manifest in feelings of anger towards women in general, especially when he doesn’t get what he wants, such as sex. If a boy’s father is also emotionally or physically absent, he will have little understanding of what it means to be a man and will often be even more vulnerable to other shadow masculine behaviour.

Being a boy, and feeling inside of himself simply means he is in his feeling body and connecting with and feeling his emotional self. But, if these feelings contain too much unresolved hurt or rejection and he feels isolated with out support, then he most likely will begin to close down emotionally.

This possibly is one of the main reasons that as men they objectify women as they seek to detach from the painful feelings of rejection in their place of love. It is easier to feel outside of themselves and be objective than to expose their vulnerable and already wounded self. This can become his way of life where it is safer to detach than feel or express his pain. Men also suffer deeply from not having healthy masculine role models in their lives.

The importance of Sexual Connection for a man

Sexual connection is still a man’s preferred method of expression of connection with his emotional self and his partner. It takes a lot of repressed emotional baggage such as hurt and frustration for a man to close his heart and sexual connection.

When a man is feeling sexually connected and fulfilled, his heart is open, soft, vulnerable yet powerful and readily accessible to his partner and those around him. He feels himself in a way that nurtures his soul and has his life force energy pumping through his body.

When sex is not available, unfulfilling or has become a “relationship transaction” then his world is different, similar to how it was for him as a child. Most likely, he will become needy in his pursuit of sex and create a range of shadow behaviors, like shutting down emotionally in his relationship, watching porn, loosing respect for women and becoming emotionally or even physically abusive.

This is the cycle of sexual shadow that men often find themselves caught up in, and for too many men, it is an attractive option to simply shut down emotionally and opt out of the sexual drama game.

Cultivation of Sexual Energy

Yet when a man allows himself to fully feel his sexual heart energy connection, that powerful life force which most men feel intensely at some stage throughout their lives, they are often heavily influenced by the intensity they feel in this. Men who connect in this place are softer, more grounded with a stronger sense of masculine self, more emotionally available and expressive and generally, very happy.

Unfortunately, few men learn how to cultivate and grow this natural pleasurable life force energy. Most men spend much of their time and energy shutting this energy down or keeping the lid on their life force simply because they don’t know how to be healthy in their sexuality.

It takes just as much energy to keep the lid on this life force as to what is being contained and is probably why men who choose this way feel tired and with little zest for life. Men (and women) have very few healthy role models or examples of what this may look like in a healthy man (or woman).

Even those men who have created a healthy sexual relationship for and with themselves can still remain unaware of how to consciously develop, grow and maintain their sexual energy, especially as they get older.

Sexual Shame

Men do carry deep shame about themselves as sexual beings, yet it is most often this part of them they put forward in who they would like to be. Some men create unhealthy ego (or shadow) about their sexual prowess and their conquests over others, particularly over women, as men often fantasize about “conquering” a woman sexually.

The porn industry promotes this angle, and women are portrayed as thankful. For young adolescents this is seen as a measure of prowess by their peers, and sadly, something to strive for as a rite of passage into manhood. Some adult men also support this and there are business’s and clubs who actually teach men how to prey on women.

Unfortunately, all this does is to encourage adolescents in the opposite direction of what healthy masculine sexuality looks like. The end result is what we see far too often, a rite of passage for young men that is confusing, disconnected from themselves and the birth of a potential misogynistic mind set.

What Does all This Mean if You’re a Woman ?

If you’re a woman, imagine instead of feeling objectified by men over your sexuality, you could instead see a wounded little boy who is frightened and desperate for loving connection with you? It takes a courageous and mature woman to do this, to call out and hold space for the little boy to feel safe and drop his masks.

Most importantly, his objectification of you as a woman is all about him and his issues. His hurt and his response is his inadequacy in owning his feelings and communicating with you from his place of self respect. Most men will feel shame in this place but don’t have healthy supporting men to create change. They shut down.

It takes maturity for both men and women to see any man acting out his little boy yet still create a safe space for him to step into and claim his inner power through his vulnerability.

It is up to men to take responsibilities for their actions and create change, either on their own or with other men. When a man is acting out his shadow sexual behaviour on women, and this can be in many different ways, such as sexist comments, leering looks, petty acts to physical violence or sexual abuse, it is his problem or wound. It takes a healthy masculine community for these issues to be held and dealt with in a healthy way.

A woman can and does heal this wounding, but most importantly, it takes a healthy masculine community to create another healthy masculine man.

Simple awareness by both men and women is often all it takes to make a difference.

It takes both men and women acknowledging that wounds exist on both sides, and it is time for the games to stop.

True Sexual Potential

By being unaware or unconscious of their true potential, men often allow their sexual life force to wane and eventually die off as they reach middle age when the opposite is what is possible. Reaching middle age can be a time of sexual freedom for a man, as sex now more than ever becomes a choice and not driven by hormones, youth and other primal urges.

Sexual pleasure and satisfaction for men actually gets better with age…..

Men’s shadow behavior that emerges from a place in him of being unaware of his buried emotional hurts will project outwards from him as all those things that will push a woman away. These are simple and unconscious responses to unresolved hurts that nearly all men carry to some extent.

When a man has the courage to share his emotional self, that part of him that he is frightened of showing, will quite often remove relationship blocks and create a deeper level of intimacy and connection. Resolving these hurts or inner child wounds is essential on this pathway to empowerment and self discovery of his sexual power and life force.

The rewards are a deeper heart connected relationship with himself and his partner and the ability to experience pleasure like never before.

What Does a Sexually Empowered Man Look Like ?

Imagine what would it be like if pornography demonstrated the ability of a fully empowered sexual male who actually embodied the empowered sexual masculine from the inside? My guess is that few would accept or understand what true masculine sexual power can look and feel like, as masculine sexual power is not the traditional power “over” another, but actually radiates out from within his masculine essence….. The more connection a man has with himself in his sexual essence, the more his sexual power increases and his pleasure intensifies into full body pleasure.

And, most importantly, the less he actually has to do anything about it. It happens naturally, and his partner feels safe and held even more intensely.

The more pleasure a man can allow himself to feel in this place when he allows himself to be selfish first and feel himself, the more his partner will feel his heart opening. Men quite often focus on their partner and their sexual pleasure to the detriment of their own pleasure.

When a man in this place opens his heart and his pleasure to himself, the more he is available for his woman to feel him. Ask a woman what she desires to feel from her man, and most often she will respond by saying “I want to feel his heart opening to me…”

Healthy Sexual Power

In this space, the ultimate sexual power is feeling your own power and not needing to do anything with it. This allows your partner to not only feel safe but most importantly to feel her surrender fully. The shadow of this healthy masculine sexual power is when it is used to dominate, control, abuse or manipulate.

This can be confusing for both men and women, as this is how power is often depicted in Hollywood productions and especially in porn as what women want, which can have a certain truth about it, but just not in the way it’s portrayed.

A healthy woman desires equality with empowerment in sex and not have you do it all for her.

So, what does this healthy sexual masculine essence look and feel like?

If you’re a man and you enjoy connecting in sex, next time take note of how your energy moves in your body, what it actually feels like to be hot and sexual and where those feelings are. Try this watching porn, or with your partner and notice where you attention is, and if it is on the image (either on the screen or your partner), then you’re probably not feeling in your body.

If your focusing all your attention on your partner, you may be still having fun but missing out on what could be happening for you. It is important for a man to be selfish at this point, to focus on what he is feeling in himself. Trust that the more of yourself you feel, the more your partner will feel of you, and this is what she wants first.

Connect With Your Own Sexual Power and Learn To separate Ejaculation and Orgasm

If you enjoy the visual and enjoy touching, take note of how you feel and where in your body your energy or intense feeling is. If you recognise that your sexual feeling is located in one spot, simply stop, close your eyes and feel into this spot using some deep breath’s.

Imagine how it could be for you if your whole body was feeling as intense and pleasurable as that one spot and if you could maintain this for hours, and this is before ejaculation. Simply focus on that place and breathing deeply will help spread that feeling through out your body.

For a man, ejaculation and orgasm are two separate functions that just happen to occur at the same time.

Separating these two is not about feeling less or stopping something that means a lot to you, but recognizing that you are capable of so much more pleasure. Ejaculation is a different experience to orgasm. Cuming quickly or being very trigger sensitive is frustrating yet easily to turn into a gift. Also, not feeling enough heat sensation to cum but lasting a long time is again different to orgasm, but still pleasurable.

Choosing delaying ejaculation techniques will rapidly increase orgasmic pleasure with all the corresponding benefits, including higher self esteem, sexual satisfaction, satisfaction in life and more life force energy available for life in general. If you have issues in achieving or maintaining an erection then this can also be reversed relatively simply, the same as not being able to cum.

Finding Your True Sexual Self

This is your beginning in feeling your healthy sexual masculine essence, feeling and owning your own sexual energy. Being in your body simply means that regardless of how much “heat” you feel, your pleasure will expand, deepen into limitless full bodied orgasmic bliss. Your heat is in feeling your ejaculation energy, and by holding back on ejaculation (for a little while, at least) which will dramatically increase your pleasure experience.

This is the beginning of learning and understanding separating ejaculation and orgasm and also learning the holy grail of lovemaking for any man in becoming multi orgasmic.

For any man, this potential is what is in front of him, regardless of age but particularly as he gets older and chooses to deal with his unresolved emotional issues.

If your feeling challenge around any of these frustrating sexual issues, it may help to understand they are usually the results of long term ignored and unresolved inner child wounding, and they are not permanent.

It takes courage, commitment, and trust in choosing to deal with these child hood patterns, as well as a therapist who actually knows how to deal with sexuality, masculinity and femininity together.

This journey into pleasure is definitely worth the effort

Sex For Men Over 40

December 9, 2014 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Better Sex for Men (and Women)

Awareness of our capacity for sexual pleasure for both men and women in this age of information, technology and numerous other gadgets and toys, is declining.

Our capacity for pleasure hasn’t changed, yet our awareness of our unique ability to achieve pleasure has significantly declined. I believe this is because of our increasing use and thirst for knowledge has taken us away from our feeling body into our intellectual mind.

Sexual pleasure for men (and women) over 40 can be a totally different experience when both consciously choose to own their real sexual pleasure, especially from an intimate and emotionally heart connected place. There are a lot of different factors in conditioning men (and women) away from real full bodied pleasure .

It doesn’t matter how many sexual partners a person has had, or how much sex is experienced as this unfortunately is how we experience or measure pleasure from our own external experience. The pornography industry has created farcical illusions of what sex looks like, and part of the reason porn has such impact is because real, meaningful heart connected sexuality is diminishing.

From my own personal experience, and in working with couples and particularly men, I am also aware that very few men realise what their sexual capability really is, or in extreme cases, if their capacity for pleasure even exists. Through my work, I firmly believe that most men achieve less than 10% of their capacity to experience their own pleasure during sex.

Understanding is key

Something as simple as separating ejaculation from orgasm for men is real, yet most men don’t realize this is possible for them. Just because both usually happen at the same time (ejaculation being the release and orgasm the pleasurable peak ) men just aren’t aware that they’re separate functions. Most men believe that their pleasure experience of ejaculation is their actual orgasmic pleasure, yet there remains so much more pleasure to be experienced.

Surfing the edge

If a man’s focus on ejaculation is his goal then most likely he experiences only a small percentage of his orgasmic potential. Ejaculation pleasure still does feel pretty damn good but it is a separate experience from orgasm and when a man stops when he “cums” then that is his finish. The actual reality at that point of finishing is also the beginning of his awesome potential in feeling his separate orgasmic pleasure, which he mostly misses out on. Delaying ejaculation, or simply “surfing the edge” is a simple yet powerful beginning of achieving so much more pleasure.

Surfing the edge is a practise of playing near the edge with out ejaculation. In this place, orgasmic energy begins to emerge, and with practise will dramatically increase not only the length of love making but also the pleasure experienced.

This is an attention grabbing concept even for those who are aware of this potential experience of separation. And even for those who are aware, it can often be a struggle to achieve pleasure from separation as it may feel like giving up something familiar. Yet the potential beyond this point is limitless pleasure and a life changing experience that is well worth the effort of exploration.

Multi orgasmic Man

As a man, take a moment and imagine your point of no return, your point of ejaculation as a 10 on your scale of orgasmic pleasure. Then, with 1 being the start and 10 being the finish, imagine how it would be if you could keep going after 10 (without cuming) and feeling your orgasmic self for as long as you chose. Maybe even hundreds of times, without needing to actually ejaculate or desiring to finish? Are you, as a man even aware that this is what you are capable of, of being truly multi orgasmic ? This is what is available for a man when he can choose to not ejaculate and cultivate his orgasmic energy beyond his “10”.

As a man, your real sexual orgasmic pleasure begins at your current “10”.

Converting your ejaculation intensity into orgasmic energy will keep your real orgasmic pleasure happening. This will create for you, a whole new world of pleasure each time you achieve your “10” and each time in this place it deepens, past 10 to 11, 12 or more. Your experience of pleasure increases, becomes easier to achieve and stays with you longer. Each time you go into sexual space, your “10” has moved, your pleasure is deeper yet closer to the surface and becomes more accessible as your normal feeling experience. This experience gets better with age and this pleasure is already happening within you. Simply by allowing yourself to experience your sexual potential with out limiting your pleasure sounds easy, BUT there is a condition attached. And it is not negotiable and we’ll get to that, but before we do, a bit more about men’s conditioning away from pleasure.

Male conditioning

Men are conditioned away from experiencing deeper pleasure right from the beginning of their sexual journey. From when they first become sexually active, boys are conditioned into ejaculation. In the early days of self pleasuring (masturbation) the pressure is on to get it up and over and done with before they get found out- stage (1). The next stage (2) is to get it up and over and done with before their girlfriend changes her mind, then (3) before the kids wake up and finally, (4) before they lose their erection.

Sadly, at no stage, or very rarely, are boys exposed to the real meaning of the sacredness of their sexuality and heart connection and what this means to be a healthy sexual male.

Generally, as a result of this conditioning and lack of awareness of what is possible, men struggle in accepting that there is so much more to their sexual experience.

Men become “addicted” to ejaculation as their pinnacle experience.

Some men only experience ejaculation and very limited orgasmic pleasure, even though there is so much more pleasure to experience and it is already available inside them.

This disconnection conditioning also encourages a man to focus on pleasing his partner in order to be a “good lover”. This is another potential that may take him further away from this place inside of himself and into a place of “performance”. The pornography industry is more manipulation that specifically targets these areas of masculine desire of performing and visually “coming” which even further separates a man from his heart. When watching porn the screen is where a man’s awareness is focused. When watching porn, the focus is on the screen and in this place pleasure is significantly limited . As a man grows older and his habits become deeper and more entrenched as testosterone fades, his normal type of sex has less feeling and becomes more difficult. This is also a part of male menopause, which is another issue for men (and women).

BUT, for a man to experience what is beyond his so called “normal” is simply realizing there is so much more, and that he can choose to experience and discover this for himself. If you’re a guy, ask yourself what it would be like if you could have your orgasm but not the “down” of ejaculation? Ask yourself what it would be like to get to your point of “no return” and instead of ejaculating choose to have your deeply pleasurable orgasm as many times as you desired?

Man’s ultimate challenge

For a man to move away from performance and go into his deeper full bodied pleasure within himself, is about him opening to and connecting with his own loving heart.

For a man to achieve these wonderful things in himself, requires his sexual energy and intensity be totally heart connected and driven. This place of heart connected sexuality in a man creates life force sexual energy that is pure heart, and is an unlimited source.

A man feeling and connecting with his deeply penetrating loving heart is also creating his fuel for sexual intensity and pleasure in lovemaking with his partner. And, if you’re a woman reading this, how does that sound and feel for you? (pretty f…g amazing would be my guess…)

For you as a man in achieving your sexual heart connection, a deeply loving and connected relationship container is ideal. This will enable you to create your fuel for your open heart, which creates more feeling of depth of pleasure. Masculine ejaculation energy is pure heart energy and this is what a woman desires most of all from her man, and this is what men are capable of bringing into relationship. Surfing the edge for longer will keep your ejaculation energy and dramatically increase your heart energy that you bring into your sexual connection. This is about a man being able to experience his heart opening in a way that will enable him in experiencing more loving sexual power centred within himself .

Sexual shame

Most men carry a deep pool of sexual shame, from male conditioning around their identity and their sexuality that interferes with their capability in connecting with and experiencing more pleasure. This shame is also a large part of the reason why most men find it challenging to accept unlimited pleasure can exist beyond separation of ejaculation and orgasm.

Men are conditioned from the beginning of their sexuality, to get it over and done with by ejaculating, resulting in conditioning men into being trigger sensitive, numb or lose interest in sex. This shame will also significantly impact on a man’s emotional availability, as most men will withdraw from relationship as a result of feeling this shame . Ejaculation mostly prevents a man from achieving the best bits in his pleasure, and will also enable him to retreat into his shame pool. There is also some primal conditioning in this as well, about survival and getting your seed planted before something eats you. The point being, men have a lot of conditioning to undo, and it is why most men are addicted to ejaculation and at the same time, unknowingly diminishing their capacity for pleasure. Men have a choice and can choose pleasure, but most simply lack awareness about their true capabilities and sadly remain disconnected from their own pleasure selves. It is a matter of choice, but most importantly, simply being aware that they do have a choice, and that there is more, much more.

As a man, you have a choice and how would it be for you in choosing to finish, because you felt totally complete without ejaculation? Imagine what it would be like for you, if each time you went into this place, that your orgasmic energy became deeper and more full bodied, and that it remained with you for days afterwards, and you remained in that place of heart connection with your partner ?

Imagine if this was your natural orgasmic state of aliveness, presence and potently heart connected? How would you feel? How would your partner feel as you shared this deep heart connection with them? How would this impact on those around you, if this place in you became your normal? This is the state that all men are born with, yet are conditioned out of for a variety of reasons, but mainly through cultural shaming of their sexuality and deep wounds carried from growing up as a boy.

Learning to separate and become full bodied multi orgasmic is not easy, but it is real and does involve having a good time that is all about more pleasure and true sexual fulfillment. And if you’re learning this with your partner, then it is a relationship game changer.

Numbness and Prostrate

Men who experience numbness or have issues achieving or maintaining an erection will also benefit from these techniques, but just require different practises. Men who have had prostate surgery will especially benefit from these tantric techniques. In those cases, it is important to realise that a man can still feel orgasmic with out an erection.

How to get started

A simple process to try during lovemaking, or self pleasuring, is when you start to get close to your point of no return, is to simply stop and take 3 – 4 deep breaths. As you’re breathing deeply, focus on what you’re feeling inside of you, in your genitals. You will notice that your intensity of pleasure has relaxed and moved away from your genitals. This will spread pleasure through your body. Then simply start again and keep repeating, the more you surf the edge, the more full bodied your pleasure. The first step is being aware of what you’re feeling inside of you. This will make a difference simply because you’re feeling in yourself and you’re choosing to feel more pleasure. As you increase your awareness of how your sexual energy moves so will your awareness in the difference between ejaculation and orgasm. Focusing on the difference and choosing to bring the ejaculation intensity forward then stopping and breathing will expand that intensity further into orgasmic pleasure. And, practice practice practice… This is the main difference between the expansion techniques of Tantra and the control techniques of Taoist .

A holistic journey

Also, a preparedness for emotional work, to really connect with and release shame, heal deep seated wounds, be intensely vulnerable and really opening your heart are beginning places. Connecting heart and sexuality is a beginning step, and this one particularly challenges most men to their core, yet is what a woman desires most to feel from her man. From this beginning place, becoming multi orgasmic is a complimentary and continuing journey. Let her know what you are doing and invite her to breathe too!

From my personal experience, (and yes, this place exists) and in my opinion, once a man starts down this pathway not only is there no turning back, but it becomes a limitless, timeless and never ending journey. This place in man, when actively introduced into himself and his relationship will create a depth of heart opening sexual loving that will keep growing and deepening. And it definitely gets better with age as it is an internal journey rather than purely physical technical journey.

A man can journey as far and as deep as he has the courage to go into himself connecting his heart and sexuality, his power and this grows stronger and deeper with age………This is the place in a man that woman craves for, to feel safe, protected, nurtured and met.
Better Sex for Men, definitely, a game changer

Both will never be the same again.

Call us TOLL FREE 1800 TANTRA (826 872), email link

Men DO feel and this is how…

December 3, 2014 By Annette & Graeme 1 Comment

What does it mean to be a healthy man who feels?

Its been a journey for me to connect with my own feelings and discover that men do feel. In my personal journey as a man, searching and connecting with my particular feeling version of the “healthy sexual masculine” my only claim to fame was that I chose to close down emotionally as I was growing up. I chose numbness over anger, expression and probably violence.

Oztantra's Graeme Sudholz - Men do feel — Oztantra’s Graeme

By closing down emotionally, I damaged only myself. Until I realized I could develop my own sense of self in a way that could hold me. I have 3 children in their 20’s, and each has shared with me their disappointments growing up with me as their father. I understand their pain, as it also matches mine, but for me to own what happened also brings into account the actions of their mother, who basically took my children from me. I went from being full time parent to only seeing my children 4 days a month. I screamed, bellowed protested and even went into school to sit in class with my 9 yo daughter. The end result of all this was that if I didn’t “settle down”, I would be served with a restraining order. I chose to not fight, as this would have caused more harm.

This was my baptism into how men are seen and treated as emotional beings.

No place for a man with his children

The pain of separation from relationship breakdown is a huge cost to all involved, especially for men. For it’s only recently that laws have changed giving fathers equal access to their children. During my ranting, my wife was saying “that this was the best thing for the children” and at no stage was there consideration for my relationship with them. My access to my children was discussed in private with her solicitor. I was told what access I was going to get (along with a lot of other demands..) based on a formula that was about how much money she would get if she had the kids most of the time.

My relationship breakdown shattered my exterior mask of protection. I was thrown head first into my emotional pool, of which I had no understanding, let alone any idea how to survive it. I witnessed first hand exactly how little emotionally vulnerable men are accepted, received or even understood. I was shattered, and slipped even deeper into my personal and private black hole.

Getting real

During this time, I came face to face with a part of me that was closed down from about 18 months old. For the first time in 45 years, I came face to face with my own inner child. My little boy was lost, alone, confused and deeply hurting. It was a huge relief for me to realize and say..YES , men do feel, and feel so deeply…

My saving grace was that I had emotionally closed down from about 18 months of age, and it took the intense cuts of relationship breakdown and more aloneness to break open my hard exterior. From this time on, luckily for me, I was able to find and be in the company of men who held space for the darkness I had inside of me, and 12 years later I could see just how much I was carrying, and still be totally unaware.

Finding the gift

Out of all this hurt has come my gift, which also includes my second long term relationship. My pain is now my gift and is why Annette and I work as a team in relationship and sexuality counselling with not only couples, but also with individual men and women. Time and time again, I come up against the walls that men carry as result of not being seen as emotional beings. Leading men into this place is deeply healing for me as

well, to be able to create for others what I had missed out on is such a gift. This also has an impact on Annette to see this part of men and realise how much men are not seen. My firm belief of being with men as they step into their emotional selves, is that men have a depth of feeling that is breathtakingly deep. Men do feel, feel deeply, clearly and with love. So deep sometimes, that a woman has trouble seeing and understanding what it is. Because she unconsciously expects him to be the strong protector, seeing his pain and vulnerability can bring up an intense, primal fear for her. Treating any man in this place harshly because he ‘appears’ unemotional is emotional abuse and a cruelty similar to beating an animal and expecting it to still be faithful. I often believe that this simple factor is behind the dangerous increase in domestic violence and other worrying trends towards violence, domestically and across the planet.

Change is happening

In spite of all this, or maybe because of it, good men (and they are the vast majority) are starting to realize that there must be a better way and are seeking or searching for themselves. There are more support groups, articles and positive messages becoming increasingly normal. Men are realizing that this is something they can best access in themselves in the company of other men. More and more men are taking responsibility for connecting with this part of themselves and then communicating it with those around them.

It’s not about men becoming more feminine

This is about much more than connecting with their inner feminine but fully embodying what it means to be masculine and feeling fully. When a man is connecting with his inner feminine it is very different to when a woman is in hers, he doesn’t need to leave his masculine and “become” feminine. Men are naturally loving sexual beings, open, communicative and expressive in their own way. Cultural, religious and other external factors condition men away from this part of themselves, particularly their sexuality. A man feeling his sexuality is a perfectly natural and hugely important part of being masculine, yet this is where most men are deeply wounded and shamed. Connecting with their feminine is feeling this part of themselves and can look very “unfeminine” from the outside.

When a man is connecting with his feminine aspect from within his masculine, it looks different to how a woman is socialized to believe it should look. The hollywood/romance industry has created a false image of how men in relationships should look, and has left them scratching their heads wondering or walking away (an impact similar to the porn industry on woman…) This is why a man in his feelings is often missed by a woman resulting in men appearing to close down even further, but this is only happening on the outside. Women can support men in this by assuming that he IS feeling and seeking to connect from his own feeling place. Offer him an open hearted, non judgmental invitation for him to express how all this is for him –and you will probably be amazed at what you discover. Allowing him and encouraging him to communicate in his way with his words probably is all it will take.

And men, it is then your responsibility to express yourselves.