Men's Wellbeing Archives - Relationship & Sexuality Counselling Specialists

Lingam Massage

February 8, 2018 By Annette & Graeme 2 Comments

The Hottest Thing You Can Do For Your Man In Bed Tonight (and one that is good for you too!)

And all you need to grab for it is a handful of oil or lubricant and your man…

“I didn’t know how to feel, so I learned to touch” sings Leonard Cohen

This is true for so many men. Young boys feel just as much as girls until they grow up conditioned by society to toughen up, “not be a pussy” or worst of all to “man up!” In our work, we see that men DO feel, deeply and powerfully, in a way that is more of an internal experience rather than an external expression (anger and sex are the two exceptions here). We see it because the place where men are most motivated to risk feeling fully is in sex and the bonuses of him doing so pay off in many more ways than just the few seconds of his orgasm.

From not having permission to feel and with his way of feeling made wrong not many men learn to perform and touch in sex, rather feel, connect and deepen.

The simple but profound practice we’re offering today will give him the chance to do just that. In fact, it can help break his heart wide open! For the woman who loves him, if she’s looking for more ‘connection’ in their lovemaking this is a great place to find it! And it impacts on more than just the bedroom, it can leave him happier and more connected to himself in the rest of his world too. The practice we’re referring to is Tantric Practice called a Lingam Massage (Lingam is the Tantric name for his penis or cock but use whatever works for you).

In preparation for writing this article we asked some men who’ve experienced it for their own words on the subject. If there’s anything that will render a man poetic, it’s this place.

One man described it as “joining all the dots of sex, intimacy and connection. It validated a very deep part of me and made me feel comfortable with myself in a whole new way. It may sound over the top, but for me it was life changing!”

Another mentioned finding “a place of spaciousness, a timeless experience of my authentic power that lies beyond the mind.”

Still another said “I found I was not only able to feel more but was able to open my heart tp my partner and really receive her love.”

One said “I now see how much more I can be. I’m now able to fully love my beautiful wife as she deserves to be loved, and I feel deserving of hers.”

And last but not least this: “I found it powerful yet subtle. It was very pleasurable and enjoyable without the need to perform in any way, to just open and experience what was happening in my body, helping me remove shame and guilt around my sexuality and sexual desire. It also connected me to a deep, yet quiet, sense of myself and my own power.”

Lingam massage gives a man the chance to feel without having to perform, or give, in any way other than by being himself. It’s a rare and precious opportunity for him that will change his lovemaking forever as he relaxes into himself and learns what it is like to feel full bodied, heart connected pleasure. It’s likely that he’s never experienced himself in this way before. The bonus for the woman who shares this practice with him is that helping him to feel himself this way ensures he will feel her more easily too…yummy things for both the giver and receiver!

This is not about performing, he doesn’t even need to get an erection. If he doesn’t nothing is wrong, his body may just be profoundly relaxing. There is still much pleasure he can experience, as surprisingly he doesn’t require an erection to feel it! You both just need to let go of attachment to the idea that an erection is the only measure of his pleasure and desire and notice what else is going on.

Lingam Massage

Invite your man into the bedroom by letting him know you have a special treat for him, and that all he has to do is just relax!
Have him lie on his back with you sitting on a cushion facing him, with his butt in your lap and his throttle in your hot little hands. (You can rest your legs along either side of his chest). This is actually quite a vulnerable position for him to be in so be gentle and loving in how you approach him.
Invite him to rest his hands on your knees so he can feel connected to you but make sure he doesn’t caress you as this is about him receiving and feeling himself. If he’s doing he’s more likely to be outside of himself rather than connecting within.
Rest both hands over his genitals for a few moments and look him in the eyes whilst reassuring him all he has to do is breathe, relax and receive.
Move one had up to his heart and ask him to take a few deep breaths, exhaling out through his mouth.
Using a natural oil such as coconut or a long-lasting lubricant massage his genitals. Include the whole area- his lingam, inner thighs, pubic area, balls, ball sack, and his perineum (the area between his balls and his anus). Don’t be afraid to explore. Keep one hand stroking his lingam (or keep coming back to it) to keep his attention focussed.
If he’s particularly sensitive stroke gently, if he likes it more firmly then use more pressure, keep checking in with him how he likes it in each area.
Keep encouraging him to breathe deeply, exhaling at the back of his throat.
If his arousal starts to peak, pause your movements (but keep your hands on him) ask him to inhale and imagine he’s breathing his pleasure up to his heart. As he exhales he relaxes his pelvic floor muscles (the ones between his legs) and imagines his pleasure spreading through his body. This is called surfing the edge and will bring his arousal down enough for you to keep playing. It might take 3 or 4 breaths for his arousal to shift, you’ll know it’s working when his lingam softens slightly.
To help take his pleasure up to his heart, run your hand from his lingam up his belly to his heart. This gives his mind a concrete sensation to focus on. He may feel an ‘energetic block’ between his lingam and his heart, if he does trust this is real, invite him to keep relaxing, breathing his energy up and see what happens. With practice this block will dissolve or shift.

You might just be massaging his genitals yet in reality you’ve got his heart in your hands as well, allowing it to gently crack open a little each time. You keep him safe by being present, loving and connected.

Spend about an hour here. Take your time, relax into the moment rather than seek any particular outcome.

You don’t need any specific techniques (if you know 2, you’ll know one more than him). Vary your speed, pressure, location (base, middle, tip) and make sure you keep lots of oil or lube up, as if you don’t he’ll get sore and this is not what you want!

Mostly just put your love into your hands and eyes and invite him to drink it in, this is better than any fancy technique and the more you’re in your own heart the more you’ll give him permission to feel his…

Keep his attention on what he’s feeling inside himself, whatever it is. Ask him about it occasionally- he may not have any words for it himself as yet (he’s probably never been asked to explain it before!). He feeling heat, tingling, desire, pleasure, pressure, softening, connection, opening, expansion.

As you massage remember to breathe yourself, as this keeps your energy flowing and you relaxed too. Enjoy the feeling of having your man allowing you into his most vulnerable of places. Validate him for going there and keep your words to those of love and encouragement, as you imagine you would like in his position.

Be open to whatever happens.

As we said, you might just be massaging his genitals but such is the power of this practice it can open up all sorts of previously undiscovered places and feelings in a man. One of which will definitely be enormous gratitude! Getting him used to feeling will increase your man’s desire to take his time in lovemaking, to trust opening his heart and to trust you in the process- serious gifts for any relationship!

This practice is the beginning of a man experiencing full bodied pleasure, lasting longer, non ejaculatory orgasms and multiple orgasms so it’s worth doing regularly and his experience will be different each time. As his lovemaking will become.

If you like this practice and would like to explore further consider bringing in some sexual healing as outlined here on our Sexual Healing page

Despite his conditioning a man hugely benefits from exploring his ability to feel, especially when it comes to the bedroom and it in no way makes him less manly. Rather, it makes him just the opposite!

We respectfully teach Lingam Massage in our Couples Retreats and where helpful in our Couples Sessions!

If you have any questions about this practice please don’t hesitate to contact us.

Making it easier to see each other

November 5, 2015 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Men and Women are different…

Can you relate to the feeling of being totally unseen by your partner, having to nag them over and over to do something for you, and even though they say they care, they still don’t do it?

Or having answered them in a way that you think is perfectly clear, having your partner go on and on as if you hadn’t even spoken? As if they totally were from Venus whilst you are from Mars?

Men and women ARE different in many ways, even though modern thinkers are trying to homogenize us and treat us all as equal. But being equal is very different to being the same.

This is especially true when it comes to our difficulties in communicating with each other.

What lies behind these difficulties is not so much what we’re saying but the misleading perceptions we have of each other that drive they way we hear.

For example:

Often as women, we believe that a man should be “more feminine”, more sensitive and wordy in communicating, and judge him as wrong or inadequate when he isn’t.

Men too can harbour the belief that a woman would be better off being “more masculine”, more straightforward and direct and judge them as wrong or too emotional when they aren’t.

We see each other through our own filters rather than seeing and appreciating our differences.

Simply not understanding these differences in perception leaves most of us feeling unheard, uncared about, disrespected and unloved, creating polarisation and unhelpful behaviours that result in men and women growing even further apart.

There is more to be gained in understanding and celebrating our differences rather than trying to minimize or neglect our uniqueness, particularly from a place of defensiveness fuelled by misunderstanding and ignorance.

Domestic violence is not a gender issue

The current debate around domestic violence is an example of this polarisation, as this hugely important debate is unfortunately degenerating into a gender issue, mostly driven by knee jerking but well meaning politicians. When an issue that impacts both men and women is made out to appear gender specific, this will only polarise both genders making clear communication unnecessarily more challenging, and creating communication difficulties that could have otherwise been easily avoided.

Yes, men and women are obviously different in so many ways. Some are easy to spot, and some differences are more subtle in how we act, feel, communicate and react to each other. These differences are important and part of why we’re attracted to each other.

Not understanding creates powerlessness

In any relationship over time, repeated experiences of feeling unheard or unmet through not seeing each other leaves both partners feeling disconnected, frustrated, powerless and even hopeless.

From our place of hurt we try to get our power back by taking the offensive (actively attacking or withdrawing) which gives us a few moments of powerfulness over the other. But it leaves the attacked person in protection mode where it is extremely difficult to defend themselves and support us (what we are looking for) at the same time. This means each protagonist ends up alone and isolated from each other.

Seeking to understand and appreciate our differences gives power to both, especially when we both step out of playing games of protection or manipulation, and instead step into empowering each other.

For either we’re both empowered or neither of us are, the game of one upmanship brings only unending frustration and separation.

So how are we different?

Here is a little look at how men and women are different in their inherent natures, how these differences impact and what we can do to benefit from them. This list is by no means exhaustive, and of course, underneath our gender we are all just human.

MAN:

A man is internally motivated and more likely to follow his own path, to be driven by his inner sense of self. He is largely self reliant and single focussed, accountable for his words and actions. He sees his needs as having paramount importance because ‘I get so, I can give’. He expresses himself through his opinions, actions and

achievements that to him are expressions of his individual, yet vulnerable self. When he talks he is not simply telling details but is empowering himself with the energy his storytelling creates. Man needs woman, for he is fascinated, nurtured, energized and inspired by her beauty, mystery and appreciation of him. He seeks to do things for her, to meet her important needs through acts of generosity and kindness and to slay the odd dragon or two. He loves becoming part of her team in achieving her desired outcomes and feels enlivened by her contentment. His singular focus, his cutting through the messy or the unnecessary in order to achieve clarity takes energy. He highly values woman’s independence and though he loves to help, he doesn’t wish to get involved in her ‘issues’, for he sees these as draining of his precious life energy and having no obvious solution. He may not see her nurturing of him as he forgets himself in his warrior like pursuit of his goals. When his own offerings are unheard or rejected, he will feel unworthy and a failure. Asking a man to provide you with what you know he cannot is particularly cruel for him.

WOMAN:

A woman is externally motivated and responds more automatically to others needs and preferences than to her own. She will seek her sense of self through connection with others, supporting and enhancing herself through helping them, though she does not seek ultimate responsibility for herself. She is fullness, beauty, radiance, beingness and love. Her magic is in her vulnerability, her receptiveness and her ability to give of herself. Nurturing, companionship, listening, sharing, playfulness, spontaneity, trust and appreciation are some of her many gifts. She fills herself by receiving from nature, creativity and pleasure. She is happy in the moment and in the messiness of life, her focus is more on the details and the process, rather than the outcome. She will not understand that this is the opposite to a man and will drain herself by nagging him into attending to them. She seeks agreement and commonality and without it feels disconnected, anxious and distant. Without connection with another she can feel a loss of connection with herself. Woman needs man to love, protect, provide for, cherish and ravish her. Even though she is much more able to do these things for herself these days she is still enlivened by his appreciation, providing for and love of her. She believes that if a man doesn’t see all her efforts to please and care for him and respond in kind as a woman would, he is a selfish bastard, leaving her exhausted and filled with resentment and bitterness.

When a woman is unseen by man:

When she has given her all and is left unseen in a place of powerlessness a woman will understandably seek to protect herself from further hurt. She will do this by consciously, or unconsciously attempting to take away her man’s power, the only obvious step for the disempowered. Her weapons are withholding her appreciation, her admiration, her trust and of course, her sex. She can also criticize, interrupt, complain about or ignore him, comparing him unfavourably with others, showing disinterest in and demeaning his ideas, his earning ability or smothering him with ‘Mother Knows Best’. She can also withhold her joy, radiance and beauty (a vital source of energy for him). Her emotionally abusive weapons are more covert and socially acceptable than physical violence (though occasionally she can resort to this as well) but they’re nonetheless devastating to her man.

When a man is unseen by woman:

He is left powerless in the face of her protection and it brings out the opposite of his true nature. He will seek distance instead of intimacy (what she least wants). He may choose to compete with her rather than cherish her. He may anticipate with suspicion rather than trust. Instead of natural respect he might treat her with disdain. As he begins to relate from a place of fear rather than of love he will seek to objectify her rather than feel her, as to feel would be too dangerous. His response to a woman’s weapons is one of shock, dismay, disbelief and a loss of his power, resulting in fury and rage. This rage has little place to go, as even in his pain his desire to protect rather than retaliate is strong. He will often (though not always) choose to shut down instead. From his own place of disempowerment he can resort to same weapons as the woman uses above. Acts of physical violence are his last resort.

Turning the tables and seeing each other more clearly:

Woman can:

Choose to drop her weapons and instead truly revel in her own inner power, beauty and radiance so man can love, appreciate and care for her.
Nurture herself through her own gifts and come to him empowered rather than trying to get something from him.
Rather than over giving of herself, clearly asking him for help from a place of self worth. Remembering he is goal rather than task driven letting him know what outcome his help will create for her, and asking what he needs to achieve it. Giving her appreciation afterwards.
Be open to receiving, an opinion, a compliment, a gift, or man’s love. In her receptivity he feels inspired to give.
Be able to listen to him without needing to interrupt, judge or justify herself and he will feel accepted by her and his heart will open in return.
When she ask for things, disagrees with him, or talks with him, to do so from her place of love where he will more likely hear her.

Man can:

Choose to drop his need to self protect and call his woman on her defences from a place of clarity and love, where his anger will dissipate and he will feel reconnected with his innate power and connection with himself
Recognise that he is enough in himself and let go of his ego need to be “right”
Understand that sometimes his desire to “fix” things doesn’t work in relationship, unless it involves a leaky tap or unblocking the vacuum cleaner
Understand that simply listening with presence and allowing her intensity to run then subside naturally, is a deeply loving space for him to hold for her
Know that even though his role in relationship may not be that of protector and provider in the traditional way his heart and his passion is still what she seeks.
See the sheer beauty and humour in their differences with laughter, as laughter is a great intensity shifter.

This is a large and complex topic but beginning with some simple understandings can allow huge shifts to happen in your relationship with the ‘opposite’ sex.

Remembering that underneath our defences we are all just looking for love and acceptance in one way or another and in that we are definitely both equal AND the same.

For those of you seeking more on this intriguing subject see the wonderful work by Alison Armstrong on which some of this article is based.

And for those who would like to explore this in more detail in their own relationships contact Oztantra for a Skype session here

Do Men Only Want Sex?

July 28, 2015 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Is it really true…. ?

When I hear the words “men are only interested in sex…” I feel angry, angry at how easily as a man I feel I have been judged. It is an instant flash of heat and fire when I feel labeled as an unfeeling block of wood that only wants to sex. Yes, I do love sex but most importantly, I love making love, not as an unfeeling block of wood, but as a deeply loving, emotionally connected man.

I am a man who has focused my last 15 years on learning and connecting with my emotionality. I am no longer the same person, I no longer live in the same part of the world, where I lived for 54 years, or work at anything remotely resembling what I was doing when I started this journey.

What I have begun to understand is that the more I find out, the more I realise I don’t know. This has not been an easy journey for me to learn and understand emotional heart connection and I still feel intensity when I hear this judgment towards men.

Do Men Only Want sex….?

Or is it they want more, just don’t know how to say it…

I agree, that men have earned this judgment and men including myself have been unfeeling fuckers and there are reasons but really no excuses. I feel sad for myself and all those men who have been conditioned from very early in their lives to believe that emotions are wrong and not to be shown, shared or expressed.

It was confronting for me to accept, understand or even acknowledge how emotionally closed I was, yet that was my normal in my world back then. In my previous life I was in a long term marriage that ended, a farmer and earth moving contractor, and in that world emotions received the same level of social acceptance as contracting a sexually transmitted disease.

Embarking on this journey is the most challenging direction I have taken in my life, breaking the shackles around my heart, breaking my conditioned self inflicted mold and living life from my heart in a more emotionally connected way, thankfully without the STD.

Do Women Want Men to be Different ?

And yes, I have hit fear and resistance from women, purely because it is not ‘normal’ for any man to be in his empowerment from this place.

The good news is modern trends are indicating gradual change for both men and women away from stereotypes of the past towards more middle ground. Increasingly, men are willingly choosing more active family roles such as being the stay at home primary care giver, performing more house work and sexually, men are becoming less driven by their urges and more by their desire for emotional connection.

Observing this change is simple, in any public place observe how many fathers are present with their children, it is much more common than two decades ago.

Men Want Heart Connected Sex

This is good for men who desire much more connection in sex, in their relationships and their lives. What is changing, is men are becoming aware of and validating their own emotional needs and desires- recognizing that they can and do actually feel, even if they don’t have the same language to express it as a woman might.

And yes, men do desire sex but more importantly, more men are desiring and seeking heart connected sex.

Men are coming in from the emotional cold and seeking heart connection, which, I believe is helping to drive the resurgence of interest in Tantra.

Traditionally, women have held the emotional high ground in relationships and with this change of emotional alignment, increasing numbers of men are meeting women more in this place of sensitive intimate connection.

Are Women Prepared For Emotionally Connected Men ?

Are women ready and prepared to embrace this change and be met by men in their traditional emotional high ground?

At Oztantra we are regularly witnessing this shift in our relationship and intimacy work with couples, men standing up in their emotional heart and calling his woman into deeper intimacy and vulnerability in their relationship and in intimate lovemaking. Quite often, all it takes to leap forward, is simply offering language translation and understanding allowing deepening connections to develop naturally.

Men are seeking and reclaiming their rightful place in heart connected sex with their partner and this is changing relationship dynamics. Through our work with relationships, we are aware that in intimate relationships, it is generally men who have capacity for and do bring heart depth into relationship.

Men have natural masculine capacity for real strength and depth of heart, simply because of their ability to focus clearly on one thing at a time and when choosing to deepen emotional connection, he does exactly that and from his inner masculine strength. This is what woman desires to feel in her relationship with man.

If you’re a woman who desires her man to meet her like this, then be careful for what you wish for and prepare to be deeply penetrated in your heart.

Experiencing a man in his emotionally connected sexual heart can be challenging for a woman because when he goes there, he really goes there.

Men Bring Heart into relationship, And Women Bring Sex..

Looking beneath and past the conditioned surface appearance of relationship, where it is so easy to accept the common logic of men bring sex and a woman heart, it becomes possible to see that with real depth, it is men who bring heart depth into relationship and women bring heart connected sex.

When men are emotionally disconnected from themselves, they bypass heart and proceed immediately into seeking just sex. If in doubt, ask yourself what is it that you most desire from your partner? A woman most often desires to feel the depth and strength of her man’s open heart, and a man desires to be met in open heart connected sexual freedom with his woman.

When each goes deeper and brings their individual gifts of heart and sex into relationship separate from traditional stereotypes, real magic happens.

This is why porn is directed towards men and the romance industry is aimed at women, and when either or both are playing this external superficial game and disconnected from the depth underneath, both soon feel empty.

And, unfortunately when seeking more of the same from outside of themselves only increases feelings of emptiness. These habits cease when the real thing is created together at home, with emptiness replaced by contentment, fulfillment, fun and pleasure.

Men do want sex, but awakening men desire heart connected sex and this is the difference. Connecting with this part of himself is a life changing experience which permeates through him, his relationship, family and community. It’s like tossing a pebble into a pond and watching the ripples spread out.

Men Connecting Emotionality with Heart and Sexuality

Energetically, the masculine heart is different to the feminine and this is a good thing. Feminine heart is more universal, inclusive and connected to her surroundings, spirit and universe. Masculine heart is deeply personal, grounded and connected in his soul, his sense of self.

This expands and strengthens with his emotional heart connection, which he brings into relationship. In this place, man desires sexual heart connection with his woman.

As men own more of their emotionality, they begin to feel more depth of heart connection with their sexuality. Deepening into heart and making love from this place is what man is capable of bringing into relationship.

Stereotyping man shames this part of him, shames his sensitive heart and sense of self with his normal reaction being, closing down emotionally and further closing his heart, turning him away from his true emotional heart connected self.

Our World Desperately Needs more Heart Connected Men…

Breaking this destructive cycle is as simple as supporting men in their journey of self discovery by validating their masculine heart, their emotionality and help create for the world more of what it most urgently needs.

The ABC of Coming Together!

April 6, 2015 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

The ABC of Coming Together

Two people scaling the heights of their sexual pleasure reaching the ultimate peak of togetherness by ‘coming’ at the same time…

That’s not what we’re talking about.

We’re talking about something much more important.

Not the ABC AIRWAY, BREATHING & CIRCULATION resuscitation technique but something equally life sustaining:

ATTENTION, BREATH & CONNECTION- The No. 1 technique to transform your relationship

-The coming together of your mind and body!

Much of the time we walk around disconnected from ourselves only half alive, half available, living in our heads with facts more highly valued over feelings. Our culture supports and validates this way of being. We cram more and more information in our heads from so called experts external to ourselves but what are we actually doing with it?

Living this way we’re disconnected from the reality of our physical form, as well as our feeling and other subtle realms, whether you believe in them or not that help create the magic in life and relationship. It leads us to THINK our feelings rather than authentically FEEL them. Feelings are not facts but they are an important part of our communication and survival systems and literally the juice in life and relationships.

For what are happiness, joy, love, connection, excitement, freedom, peace, pleasure and bliss but feelings??

This disconnection inside of us makes it harder to know who WE are AND how to really connect with another.

This simple ABC practice is about coming into union with YOURSELF.

Pause.
Take your ATTENTION from your thoughts to your body.
Use your mind to notice what you are experiencing- feeling your body sitting, standing or lying, along with any physical sensations of relaxation, tension, heat, cold, tingling etc you can notice.
BREATHE consciously, slightly deeper than normal.

Conscious Breathing connects mind and body.

Scan your body and CONNECT with what is happening inside of it, especially your chest, belly and throat. Notice any more subtle sensations such as heaviness, lightness, tension, butterflies, anxiety, frustration, peace, happiness etc. It can help to place one hand on your belly and the other on your chest. You may also experience nothing, and nothing is still something.
Stay present with this for a few moments, allow whatever is there just to be there exactly as it is with acceptance. This is known as ‘witnessing’ your feelings- keeping your attention on them, breathing into them, experiencing them exactly as they are without suppressing or accelerating them.
If it helps, name the feeling to yourself but avoid going into a story about what the feeling means as this will take you away from it. There is nothing to do here other than dropping into this experience.

Welcome home. This is you coming together experiencing yourself more fully. Centred in yourself. Self aware. Comfortable or not, from this place both life and relationships work.

Usually we don’t notice our bodies until they let us know they are there by some kind of malfunction or pain. If you get familiar with the pain it will no longer control you. If you check in when there is no pain you get to know more of what amazing feelings you’re capable of and strengthen the relationship between you, your body and yourself.

Practice Coming Together Regularly

Whenever you have a moment. The more you say yes to your body the more it will say yes to you.

In the beginning you may need to stop and close your eyes to do this. With practice you can do it with your eyes open (and without using your hands) anywhere, anytime no matter what is happening around you- in a meeting, on a run, having a shower, making love.

Emotions Eek!

For those of you who shy away from the idea of feelings this is not about inviting a melodrama of emotion into your life, rather inviting you closer to reap the true benefits from them.

For those of you who live in a world full of often overwhelming emotions this is not about creating more intensity rather giving you control over the ones you already have, developing some emotional intelligence and win/win successes in your relationship.

The benefits of your ABC practice and your mind/body relationship will continue to unfold through the rest of your life.