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Instant Beauty: Get it Here!

October 1, 2016 By admin 2 Comments

How Can You Look and Feel More Beautiful?

By Recognizing More of What Lies within You!

Tanric coaching can make all the differenceAfter one of our Power of Yoni Workshops a group of participants headed out to a local restaurant to celebrate 4 days of empowering self love, nurturing and discovering pleasure. It so happened the local race meeting was on the same day and the bistro was full of very glammed up ladies who could easily have won “Lady of the Day”. Surprisingly, it was obvious that however glamorous their exteriors were they couldn’t compare with our gorgeous Goddesses who were spilling over with a glow and a vitality from deep within, making them beautiful both inside AND out!

This difference raises the point, what are we actually doing when we simply focus on (or obsess about) our external appearance? Focussing on our outsides rather than accessing and accepting our beauty that comes from within? A beauty that Young girl in sexual shamecan only enhance the best outfit and beauty routine whilst giving us confidence to burn? I believe what we’re doing is actually abandoning ourselves, or at least abandoning the little girl inside of us that longs for love and acceptance…no matter what age we are…

Read on for ways to connect with our inner beauty and bring our little girl in out of the cold…

Challenges to Looking Good

When it comes to looking good (and loving and approving of ourselves in the process) I‘ve noticed that we as women come up against 4 main challenges:

  • Every time we look in the mirror we’re holding our own image up against the ones we carry in our minds, of the impossibly perfect (and unreal) body images displayed in almost every advert we see, magazine we pick up, dress shop we look into and movie we watch.
  • We face a vast array of publications with articles screaming about how we can “improve” ourselves. Treatments including everything from weight loss programs, breast enhancements to genital reductions. Not to mention enough products to cover ourselves from the hair on our head to the toenails on our feet. All aimed at telling us we’re less than perfect so we will buy, buy,buy!
  • A lifetime of conditioning telling us how we “should” be, what rules we need to follow and what good girls do and bad girls don’t do in order to be approved of, accepted and loved that doesn’t leave us now matter how old we are, unless we let it go.

And finally there is the shadow in our sisterhood, which receives unending satisfaction from us putting ourselves, or our potential female competition down, and giving us the sympathy vote in return for our “insult-athons” on our bodies.

We Hate Ourselves Too Often

No oral sex orgasmAs a result, several surveys report that over 91% of women have regular days of “hating their bodies”. It seems as if when things aren’t going right in our world, if we’re unsatisfied in our relationships or our jobs, if we’re having uncomfortable emotions such as stress, loneliness and boredom we’re more likely to criticize our bodies than deal with what is actually behind our dissatisfaction or negative feelings. So how we perceive we look is based more on how we “feel”, rather than the physical reality of how we “look”. When we perceive ourselves negatively we abandon the little girl inside of us that longs to be loved for who she is…Good Girl

Have you ever looked into the mirror and judged yourself as looking that supposed worst of all body sins, “really fat”? Only to have something good happen in your life and then catch yourself looking in that very same mirror shortly after thinking you look “pretty fabulous”? Where nothing has changed except your perception?

Even more interestingly, have you noticed how much pleasure you feel when you’re body shaming yourself vs when you’re feeling beautiful and appreciated?

Neuroscience has shown that whatever you focus on shapes your brain. So if you focus on how defective your body looks it actually translates into a numbing down of how it feels. And the opposite is true, if you focus on how wonderful your body is, so it will become!

How to find Instant Beauty:

Make a radical choice to think and do things differently.

  • You’re as beautiful as you tell yourself you are, so tell yourself you’re beautiful often!
  • If someone else tells you that you’re beautiful, let it in and say thankyou!
  • Find one thing to appreciate about what your body can DO each day, taking the focus off just how it looks. Put your full attention on this body part and stroke it for a moment with love, baby!happy oral sex lover
  • Notice something you find beautiful about the women around you and tell them. Drop the need to compete and see yourselves simply as a reflection of each other. (You may want to omit the stroking part unless you know each other very well!)
  • Use beauty products with the mindset of enhancing the beauty that is already there, rather than fixing any problems.
  • Avoid participating in body shaming conversations, even choose to express something you like about your body instead.
  • See the abundance of treatments and products as a money making device for those making money from them, not necessarily something that you need.
  • Dress with the primary aim of expressing and feeling good about yourself rather than trying to fit in with the latest fashion.
  • Avoid trying to “fix” yourself. Instead, do things for their enjoyment value. Find an exercise that you love and it will be a joy rather than a chore.
  • See your body as your temple and choose to nurture it by attending to its needs as a good servant would do for its master.
  • Follow this link and listen to our Self Loving Meditation.
  • Do 3 pc squeeze and releases (pelvic floor contractions) then take a deep breath, enjoy the feeling. Do this often.
  • Learn to feel more pleasure and you won’t care how you look because you’ll feel so great! And consequently you’ll look more beautiful as a result of your inner glow…

So if you’re looking for even more ways to get your inner glow on and love yourself from the inside all the way out click here for details of Annette’s upcoming workshop just for women the Power Of Yoni Nov 10-14 2016.  Contact her for a chat to see how this workshop might work for you!

 

 

 

Men and Sex

January 12, 2015 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

 Why do Men Want Sex ?

And why is sex important …. ?

Men and sex – as a man, have you ever wondered why sex is so important and why it can be such a minefield of confusion? And, if you’re a woman have you ever wondered why you are so often objectified by men?

It is also important to recognize that most men feel confusion over the intensity and power they feel in their sexual energy and how to be with this. This can also increase feelings of vulnerability and fear for a man, in how to be with this and what to actually do with the potent sexual intensity coursing through their bodies. Yet men have very few opportunities and places to learn about this in a healthy and constructive way.

Why are Boys Treated Differently ?

From the moment they are born, boys are treated differently. (as a father of 2 daughters and a son, I know this one) If you don’t believe this, then take note of how you feel when you see a baby, but aren’t aware of what gender it is. Then recognise how your feelings alter when you discover its gender.

This is not wrong and is normal and healthy, but it’s the choices made with what to do with these feelings of difference is what can create problems. All to often, simply because they are boys, they are left wanting and craving affection as some adults “believe” it will toughen him up or they will grow up “unmanly”.Transforming the inner child within

From birth, boys are treated differently from girls and unfortunately this difference equates to less intimacy, hugs and affection for boys than what they really need as they grow up. Boys need just as much loving touch, loving hugs, loving contact as girls. Most boys don’t get adequate loving attention, and this is where problems start.

Boys and Intimacy

When a boy is deprived of intimacy, he will feel neglected or rejected and will seek connection or solace outside of themselves through attention seeking behaviour, substance abuse, aggressive behavior or other shadow behaviors. Feeling this hurt or pain has become his normal, so instead of feeling nurtured and loved he may often develop emotional numbing behavior patterns to simply stop the pain.

Often, a man’s hurt is from unresolved issues with his mother and if left unresolved will often manifest in feelings of anger towards women in general, especially when he doesn’t get what he wants, such as sex. If a boy’s father is also emotionally or physically absent, he will have little understanding of what it means to be a man and will often be even more vulnerable to other shadow masculine behaviour.

Being a boy, and feeling inside of himself simply means he is in his feeling body and connecting with and feeling his emotional self. But, if these feelings contain too much unresolved hurt or rejection and he feels isolated with out support, then he most likely will begin to close down emotionally.

This possibly is one of the main reasons that as men they objectify women as they seek to detach from the painful feelings of rejection in their place of love. It is easier to feel outside of themselves and be objective than to expose their vulnerable and already wounded self. This can become his way of life where it is safer to detach than feel or express his pain. Men also suffer deeply from not having healthy masculine role models in their lives.

The importance of Sexual Connection for a man

Sexual connection is still a man’s preferred method of expression of connection with his emotional self and his partner. It takes a lot of repressed emotional baggage such as hurt and frustration for a man to close his heart and sexual connection.

When a man is feeling sexually connected and fulfilled, his heart is open, soft, vulnerable yet powerful and readily accessible to his partner and those around him. He feels himself in a way that nurtures his soul and has his life force energy pumping through his body.Inner Fire

When sex is not available, unfulfilling or has become a “relationship transaction” then his world is different, similar to how it was for him as a child. Most likely, he will become needy in his pursuit of sex and create a range of shadow behaviors, like shutting down emotionally in his relationship, watching porn, loosing respect for women and becoming emotionally or even physically abusive.

This is the cycle of sexual shadow that men often find themselves caught up in, and for too many men, it is an attractive option to simply shut down emotionally and opt out of the sexual drama game.

Cultivation of Sexual Energy

Yet when a man allows himself to fully feel his sexual heart energy connection, that powerful life force which most men feel intensely at some stage throughout their lives, they are often heavily influenced by the intensity they feel in this. Men who connect in this place are softer, more grounded with a stronger sense of masculine self, more emotionally available and expressive and generally, very happy.

Unfortunately, few men learn how to cultivate and grow this natural pleasurable life force energy. Most men spend much of their time and energy shutting this energy down or keeping the lid on their life force simply because they don’t know how to be healthy in their sexuality.

It takes just as much energy to keep the lid on this life force as to what is being contained and is probably why men who choose this way feel tired and with little zest for life. Men (and women) have very few healthy role models or examples of what this may look like in a healthy man (or woman).

Even those men who have created a healthy sexual relationship for and with themselves can still remain unaware of how to consciously develop, grow and maintain their sexual energy, especially as they get older.

Sexual Shame

Men do carry deep shame about themselves as sexual beings, yet it is most often this part of them they put forward in who they would like to be. Some men create unhealthy ego (or shadow) about their sexual prowess and their conquests over others, particularly over women, as men often fantasize about “conquering” a woman sexually.

The porn industry promotes this angle, and women are portrayed as thankful. For young adolescents this is seen as a measure of prowess by their peers, and sadly, something to strive for as a rite of passage into manhood. Some adult men also support this and there are business’s and clubs who actually teach men how to prey on women.

Unfortunately, all this does is to encourage adolescents in the opposite direction of what healthy masculine sexuality looks like. The end result is what we see far too often, a rite of passage for young men that is confusing, disconnected from themselves and the birth of a potential misogynistic mind set.

What Does all This Mean if You’re a Woman ?

If you’re a woman, imagine instead of feeling objectified by men over your sexuality, you could instead see a wounded little boy who is frightened and desperate for loving connection with you? It takes a courageous and mature woman to do this, to call out and hold space for the little boy to feel safe and drop his masks.

Most importantly, his objectification of you as a woman is all about him and his issues. His hurt and his response is his inadequacy in owning his feelings and communicating with you from his place of self respect. Most men will feel shame in this place but don’t have healthy supporting men to create change. They shut down.

It takes maturity for both men and women to see any man acting out his little boy yet still create a safe space for him to step into and claim his inner power through his vulnerability.

It is up to men to take responsibilities for their actions and create change, either  on their own or with other men. When a man is acting out his shadow sexual behaviour on women, and this can be in many different ways, such as sexist comments, leering looks, petty acts to physical violence or sexual abuse, it is his problem or wound. It takes a healthy masculine community for these issues to be held and dealt with in a healthy way.

A woman can and does heal this wounding, but most importantly, it takes a healthy masculine community to create another healthy masculine man.

Simple awareness by both men and women is often all it takes to make a difference.

It takes both men and women acknowledging that wounds exist on both sides, and it is time for the games to stop.

True Sexual Potential

By being unaware or unconscious of their true potential, men often allow their sexual life force to wane and eventually die off as they reach middle age when the opposite is what is possible. Reaching middle age can be a time of sexual freedom for a man, as sex now more than ever becomes a choice and not driven by hormones, youth and other primal urges.

Sexual pleasure and satisfaction for men actually gets better with age…..

Men’s shadow behavior that emerges from a place in him of being unaware of his buried emotional hurts will project outwards from him as all those things that will push a woman away. These are simple and unconscious responses to unresolved hurts that nearly all men carry to some extent.

When a man has the courage to share his emotional self, that part of him that he is frightened of showing, will quite often remove relationship blocks and create a deeper level of intimacy and connection. Resolving these hurts or inner child wounds is essential on this pathway to empowerment and self discovery of his sexual power and life force.

The rewards are a deeper heart connected relationship with himself and his partner and the ability to experience pleasure like never before.

What Does a Sexually Empowered Man Look Like ?

Imagine what would it be like if pornography demonstrated the ability of a fully empowered sexual male who actually embodied the empowered sexual masculine from the inside? My Bring out your intimate warrior to get the most out of tantraguess is that few would accept or understand what true masculine sexual power can look and feel like, as masculine sexual power is not the traditional power “over” another, but actually radiates out from within his masculine essence….. The more connection a man has with himself in his sexual essence, the more his sexual power increases and his pleasure intensifies into full body pleasure.

And, most importantly, the less he actually has to do anything about it. It happens naturally, and his partner feels safe and held even more intensely.

The more pleasure a man can allow himself to feel in this place when he allows himself to be selfish first and feel himself, the more his partner will feel his heart opening. Men quite often focus on their partner and their sexual pleasure to the detriment of their own pleasure.

When a man in this place opens his heart and his pleasure to himself, the more he is available for his woman to feel him. Ask a woman what she desires to feel from her man, and most often she will respond by saying “I want to feel his heart opening to me…”

Healthy Sexual Power

In this space, the ultimate sexual power is feeling your own power and not needing to do anything with it. This allows your partner to not only feel safe but most importantly to feel her surrender fully. The shadow of this healthy masculine sexual power is when it is used to dominate, control, abuse or manipulate.

This can be confusing for both men and women, as this is how power is often depicted in Hollywood productions and especially in porn as what women want, which can have a certain truth about it, but just not in the way it’s portrayed.

A healthy woman desires equality with empowerment in sex and not have you do it all for her.

 

So, what does this healthy sexual masculine essence look and feel like?

If you’re a man and you enjoy connecting in sex, next time take note of how your energy moves in your body, what it actually feels like to be hot and sexual and where those feelings are. Try this watching porn, or with your partner and notice where you attention is, and if it is on the image (either on the screen or your partner), then you’re probably not feeling in your body.

If your focusing all your attention on your partner, you may be still having fun but missing out on what could be happening for you. It is important for a man to be selfish at this point, to focus on what he is feeling in himself. Trust that the more of yourself you feel, the more your partner will feel of you, and this is what she wants first.

Connect With Your Own Sexual Power and Learn To separate Ejaculation and Orgasm

If you enjoy the visual and enjoy touching, take note of how you feel and where in your body your energy or intense feeling is. If you recognise that your sexual feeling is located in one spot, simply stop, close your eyes and feel into this spot using some deep breath’s.

Imagine how it could be for you if your whole body was feeling as intense and pleasurable as that one spot and if you could maintain this for hours, and this is before ejaculation. Simply focus on that place and breathing deeply will help spread that feeling through out your body.

For a man, ejaculation and orgasm are two separate functions that just happen to occur at the same time.

Separating these two is not about feeling less or stopping something that means a lot to you, but recognizing that you are capable of so much more pleasure. Ejaculation is a different experience to orgasm. Cuming quickly or being very trigger sensitive is frustrating yet easily to turn into a gift. Also, not feeling enough heat sensation to cum but lasting a long time is again different to orgasm, but still pleasurable.

Choosing delaying ejaculation techniques will rapidly increase orgasmic pleasure with all the corresponding benefits, including higher self esteem, sexual satisfaction, satisfaction in life and more life force energy available for life in general. If you have issues in achieving or maintaining an erection then this can also be reversed relatively simply, the same as not being able to cum.

Finding Your True Sexual Self

This is your beginning in feeling your healthy sexual masculine essence, feeling and owning your own sexual energy. Being in your body simply means that regardless of how much “heat” you feel, your pleasure will expand, deepen into limitless full bodied orgasmic bliss. Your heat is in feeling your ejaculation energy, and by holding back on ejaculation (for a little while, at least) which will dramatically increase your pleasure experience.Live life to the full

This is the beginning of learning and understanding separating ejaculation and orgasm and also learning the holy grail of lovemaking for any man in becoming multi orgasmic.

For any man, this potential is what is in front of him, regardless of age but particularly as he gets older and chooses to deal with his unresolved emotional issues.

If your feeling challenge around any of these frustrating sexual issues, it may help to understand they are usually the results of long term ignored and unresolved inner child wounding, and they are not permanent.

It takes courage, commitment, and trust in choosing to deal with these child hood patterns, as well as a therapist who actually knows how to deal with sexuality, masculinity and femininity together.

This journey into pleasure is definitely worth the effort

Graeme Oztantra ©2015      www.oztantra.com

Survival Strategy: Men living with a woman in menopause

May 27, 2014 By Graeme Sudholz Leave a Comment

Relationship Survival Strategy: For men living with a woman in menopause:

Menopause can cause many frustration

Is this the end of my sex life?? This is a realistic fear for a man in relationship with a woman who is experiencing the wavering libido of menopause and “not tonight” is the most common response to his expressed desire for sex. What can he do?  There are no simple answers…but if this is you and you’re willing to get on the program and stay with it you have a high chance of maintaining a sexual connection with your woman, and even having the best sex of your life as you get older.

One of the main ways you can ease the menopausal path for both of you is to have some understanding of what is happening, and of how your responses has a major impact on the end result. Because negative judgement of her at this sensitive time will have a psychological and even physical impact on the experience for both of you. It is vital you develop trust in the process and trust in your woman as she basically redefines who she is. Maintaining a grounded perspective and a sense of humour is a great help too!

Menopause happens around the age of 51, but can start as early as 30. a woman is considered to have reached menopause when she has been period free for 1 year. Menopause is not only the time when a woman stops ovulating and having her period. The immense upheaval of her hormonal system reorienting itself to not having babies produces a range of physical effects such as hot flushes and sweats- especially at night, mental fogginess, mood swings, depression, decreases in libido, vaginal dryness and thinning of the vaginal walls which can make sex painful. To add insult to injury she may also be subjected to a higher level of vaginal infections such as thrush for a while. Eventually the hormones sort themselves out and she returns to a more even keel, after 5-10yrs. Menopause is different for each woman, for some it’s barely noticeable, for others it impacts on every area of her life even into her 70’s.

There are huge range of treatments available that can support a women through the physical symptoms but none that will “fix” it for each person. It can be a frustrating time for her of finding what works.

At a big picture level there is also a shift in how a woman sees herself

Empowered older womanShe is no longer the mother as she once was (menopause often occurs as kids have left home), her body is forcing her to face the fact of getting older, even of death. She too, like you, may have fears around her sexuality, she faces a a great deal of social conditioning around older women not being seen as sexual beings or having a place in the world, although this is very slowly starting to change.

Her body is not forcing her to nurture others as it once did with so now there is more room for herself and her female psyche will challenge her to question who she is, which can bring either anxiety or freedom. It can be a time of great unknown and uncertainty. Sometimes a woman will move straight from motherhood to grandmotherhood, giving her a renewed sense of self without her having to confront the question of ‘who is she if she is not a mother?’ She will often look to try new things for herself, make changes, seek to “sort things out”. If you’re not good with change this can make her very challenging to live with.

As well as these personal issues menopause often causes a woman to reassess her relationship, as with the children gone there is less room to hide what is or is not working between you. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you, it means she wants the best possible for herself. When sex is less frequent it can be difficult to want to stay close and intimate to this forgetful, emotional, sweaty, and lowered libido woman, but it is what she most needs to help her stay grounded and connected to you and her sexuality as she becomes more connected with herself.

Heart to Heart communication

As a result of all this, coming through menopause will end with a woman feeling more comfortable with who she is and where she is going. Sex becomes less about creating babies or providing pleasure for the man and more about self pleasure, sharing pleasure, fun, love and spiritual connection.

How you can help:

Physically: look after your own health ie. eat well, keep active, minimize stress, so you are in the best place to have sex when it is available.
Support her with any medical or other specialists she chooses to see. Understand this process can take time to get right.

Emotionally: Listen if she needs to share, know you don’t need to fix anything, just hear her. Also encourage her to share with her female friends for support.
Be willing to sort through things with her that apply to you.
Also be willing to set your boundaries if her emotionality is crossing yours.

Sexually: Don’t take it personally: If she has less overall interest in sex and takes longer to become aroused, produces less vaginal lubrication and  has less intense orgasms don’t assume it is about not desiring you.
Remind her that having sex promotes elasticity in the vaginal tissues so having sensitive sex can help the symptoms reduce.
Know too that for a woman, desire doesn’t necessarily come before arousal, so encourage sex from an openhearted place, and remind her that desire may come once you start.
Also know that a daily 10 min attention to her gspot can help keep her connected to herself and her sexuality (without using it as foreplay, making it her time).

Respect yourself and don’t give up on your sexuality by shutting it down, emotionally withdrawing totally into porn, or going outside the relationship to get your needs met, at least without having tried these suggestions and having an agreement in place.
Let go of any agenda to manipulate her into bed, no wheedling, sulking or blaming, don’t make every touch an attempt to stimulate her. This will only push her away.
Do talk about how important sex is for you, what it brings you, let her feel your vulnerability in this; discuss your fears, concerns, especially about your fears of hurting her whilst sex is painful. Discuss what other options you can try, be willing to cooperate, be creative.
Respect her No’s and be willing do more self pleasuring.

Intimacy can continue

Learn to last longer in sex so you will still be there when her arousal kicks in.

Learn to focus more on being in the moment in sex, going slow, conscious breathing, make connection rather than orgasms the focus.
Make the shift from merely having sex to get off, performing in bed and start learning to make love. This is what the mature woman will be looking for, she wants a man who will meet her there. Learn to bring your heart into your sexuality, penetrating her heart as much as her yoni. There is as much for you in this as there is for her- it will take your pleasure to a whole new level as you learn to make love as a man, rather than just getting off from your boy.

Know too that often she is not going to be “in her body” at this time with so much happening for her, so include plenty of loving touch (without sexual agenda) in your connection with her ie. sharing a hug, sitting together in the couch, holding hands, touching her on the body with the whole of your hand and holding it still for a moment, massaging her neck or feet. This helps her get grounded.

As you can see there is a lot going on at this time and the main tool is to start and keep communicating, attempt to understand, learn, connect and grow with her and the blessings will be many as you get to know this brand new, sexual, powerful woman!

And remember expert help from outside can smooth the pathways so don’t be afraid to ask for support. See some of the things we can offer you here:

Call us TOLL FREE 1800 TANTRA (826 872), email link

Getaways for you and your woman to reconnect

Ecstasy & Intimacy Retreat

 

Sacred Intimate Relationship: 7 Signs You’re There

April 10, 2014 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Sacred intimate relationship brings meaning to life

Sacred meaning: connected with God or a higher purpose, deserving of respect.

We mostly start off in intimate relationship believing that what we have discovered is something so unique and special. How do we keep this wonder alive over the years? By understanding the potential of believing that intimate relationship is a sacred act. For the one that we choose to be in intimate relationship is not because we must through birth or other obligation, they are the ones we actively choose to make a major part of our lives. So it makes sense that we honour both the person and that choice consciously and respectfully.

Grace is divine

7 signs that you are doing so are:

1. You see there are 3 different aspects to your relationship- there is you, your partner and the relationship itself. All of these three have their own separate structures and individual needs, the highest of which is seen to be the relationship. When there is conflict it is the needs of the relationship that become paramount. This is not to say that the relationship should be used to limit the individual from a place of fear or control, rather the reverse. It can be a barometer because what is truly valuable for the individual can be measured by its impact on the relationship.

2. You are seeking relationship with the person they actually are being right now, rather than the one you first met, the one you assume they are from your past experiences of them or the one you think they should be to meet your needs. It is very easy to see the other through the mask of our perceptions, especially when in the busyness of everyday life we get

From boy to man

lazy about looking. We are constantly changing complex beings and to assume we know where a person is coming from is at best impractical, at worst shaming.

3. You see constantly assessing how you are being and where you are coming from in your words and actions, and how they are being received and adjusting them as you see fit as an act of love rather than a neurosis. You use the wisdom of your observing mind, body and feelings as well as the power of your intellect to do so.

Differences attract rather than repel

4. You’re able to tolerate the uncertainty of the other being different to you, having different interests, desires, needs and beliefs. Although it is crucial to have shared common values in intimate relationship- values that will proved the glue when all else is being challenged, your differences are seen to add flavour rather than cause fracture.

5. You value your relationship more than protecting your Ego. You’re willing to allow yourself to be seen in your truth, vulnerability and imperfections. To let down your own mask and honour the other by being real, which is what creates true intimacy. And you’re willing to own who you are, the choices you make and take responsibility for your actions. Especially when these have a negative impact on the relationship, as you value the relationship more than being right.

6. You respect your sexuality as a powerful pathway of creating love, connection, nurturing and pleasure rather than using it as a tool for physical or emotional release. You take the time to sort issues out separately from lovemaking, instead coming to make love from a place of open hearted connection with yourself that you then share with the other. This creates a sacredness, ease and connection that flows into the rest of your relationship and reinforces the desire to seek love rather than self.

Happiness in relationship

7. You see the relationship as a place to grow yourself. You cultivate courage and taking risks. Risks in trusting yourself, the other, the relationship and love itself by trusting your heart. For our hearts are not flimsy things that need protection they are stronger and have more to offer than we can ever have thought possible. So you do not try to limit the other but see where their needs or desires challenge your own limitations. In our experience our intimate partners primal needs challenge us to grow in the areas where we are most resistant to go into, just as our challenge theirs. That is where the deepest growth comes.

Desire mismatch & the Pursuer/Avoider Cycle

February 3, 2014 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

What if My Partner Wants More Sex than Me?

There’s a very common cycle that develops when there are differing levels of desire for sex in a relationship, and many painful ways the cycle plays out.

It’s called The Pursuer/Avoider cycle.

Do any of these this sound familiar?

For Pursuers:

  • Doing everything right simply with the hope of getting a ‘yes’ to sex.
  • Feeling your partner cringe instead of respond to your advances.
  • Giving your lover a massage with the hope of stimulating a sexual response.
  • Saying “yes” to sex in the hope of receiving some intimacy.
  • Continuing to have sex even though it hurts to see your partner is uninterested.
  • Withholding emotional intimacy as payback for a lack of sex.
  • Fearfully suggesting sex, then slinking into a corner to lick your wounds of rejection.
  • Feeling somehow invalidated to your core.Man frustrated in bed
  • After being rejected too many times, giving up mentioning sex at all.

For Avoiders:

  • Feeling like your partner selfishly wants to use you for their needs.
  • Avoiding offering affection in case it’s mistaken as a sexual advance.
  • Going to bed early before your partner arrives home or staying up later than them.
  • Finding important work that you suddenly have to finish if your partner wants sex.
  • Keeping extra busy with your kids in the hopes of avoiding being asked.
  • Offering ‘sympathy’ sex to temporarily relieve the tension between you.
  • Finding yourself starting an argument before bed to reduce the chances of intimacy.
  • Feeling unseen and unlovable.
  • Finding that you want sex less and less.

If this is you, you’re not alone. These and many similar scenarios are being acted out in homes across the world.

Relationships are energy cycles, and wherever there’s an action, there will be a corresponding reaction. It’s common for partners to have differing sexual needs (or at least appear to on the surface). How these needs are negotiated is one of the key markers for relationship success.

For the PursuerNo oral sex orgasm

The cycle begins when the partner with the higher level of sexual desire finds their sexual needs unmet, so they start pursuing the less interested partner. The more the pursuer chases, the more the other partner starts to avoid them, becoming more and more emotionally and sexually unavailable.

This results in the pursuer becoming more needy, unhappy and focussed on getting what they want. They manipulate every situation into a potential ploy for sex, and act out their anger and frustration in covert ways that make to them unattractive their partner.

So however much sex they get, it’s never enough. This frustration makes them grumpy, irritable, emotionally closed and critical of their avoidant partner, whom they make wrong for not wanting sex. Being repeatedly rejected sexually by the person who’s supposed to love and desire them results in a lowered sense of self-esteem and self-worth.

For the Avoider

The avoidant partner will either do anything to avoid having sex, or finds that saying ‘no’ to sex makes them feel guilty. They circumvent their need to reject sex by avoiding any type of physical touch or affection, often keeping themselves too busy to be approached, commonly focussing on the either children or work as a distraction.

Couples need relationship trainingThis creates physical distance between themselves and their more highly sexed partner. They also make the other person wrong for their desires, shaming them as being too sexual. They see the pursuer as focussed only on sex, and find it easy to blame them for the lack of intimacy that they may long for deep down, but avoid in case it leads to potential sex. Or they try to create it separate from sex.

When the repercussions for avoiding sex get too high, they offer palliative sex to soothe their partner’s pain and get them off their back – but they offer it with resentment and a lack of joy.

If you see this dynamic is happening in your relationship, try these suggestions:

  1. Agree to communicate about your situation, whilst acknowledging the challenge and vulnerability in doing so. For this cycle to end, BOTH of you need to drop the victim stance and be willing to change. Remember that the goal here isn’t to get more/less sex but to get onto the same team.
  2. Each person needs to STOP making both the other and themselves wrong for wanting or not wanting sex. This allows you each to listen non-judgementally to how it is for the other one and develop some compassion. Remember that you’re both looking for the same thing: to love and feel loved in return.
  3. Know that you’re NOT responsible for each other’s desires. You’re only responsible for finding a workable solution.
  4. Recognise that this is a behaviour cycle. And it’s one that’s likely to make any underlying mismatch in desire more pronounced than it actually is.
  5. Recognize that an extreme desire for sex or to avoid it likely comes from disconnection with your selves. Using your ABC practice to get back into connection with your selves is your most important port of call in this situation.
  6. Acknowledge that sex is an important human desire. Realise that it’s a unique part of an intimate relationship, a potential source of connection, pleasure and contentment, and a special activity you share with no one else that has many health benefits.
  7. Give up palliative sex. It’s soul-destroying for both of you over time.
  8. Understand that you’re not entitled to sex in your relationship. And, in the same way, you’re not entitled to intimacy when and how you want it either. In the West particularly, we can take our entitlement for granted. Sex and intimacy both come from a place of mutual understanding, connection and desire that you’re each responsible for, rather than being about entitlement and obligation.
  9. Mark on a mutual calendar when sex happens. This will help you both to be clear on what you’re dealing with.
  10. It’s OK for anyone to say NO to sex without having to feel guilty. What’s NOT reasonable is to do so repeatedly Heart Connectionwithout discussion or consideration of the other person, given that you both entered the relationship with sex being an accepted part of it.
  11. We find honest, vulnerable communication helps enormously here. As does approaching sex from the many understandings and practices in this book helping people to get into both their bodies and their hearts. For when this happens desire is a natural outcome and lovemaking becomes incredibly satisfying so frequency is less important.

As the Pursuer, you can:

  • Validate your desire for sex as a beautiful and loving part of yourself, and not as something dirty or selfish. Be real about sharing with your partner how much not having sex hurts. The more you get real, the more your partner can hear you and be motivated to do something about it.
  • Don’t get sucked in by sympathy sex and let it placate you for a while. It isn’t addressing the issue, and it lets your partner think they’re fixing the problem when they aren’t.
  • Recognise that your high drive for sex may come from not being fully satisfied by the sex you’re having. Seek greater connection with yourself, rather than just seeking it through your partner. Learn self-pleasuring techniques that circulate your sexual energy and deepen your connection to yourself, rather than building up frustration that seeks release in masturbation. This will make getting a ‘no’ slightly less painful. Reducing your frustration, neediness and manipulations to create sex will paradoxically make you more attractive.
  • Be clear and upfront when you do ask for sex. Make the asking about YOU wanting to share something rather than them needing to give it to you. Hard as it may be, let go of any attachment to getting you want, as this gets rid of any unconscious manipulation. This creates space for your partner to potentially feel their own desire and move towards you.
  • Rebuild a safe physical intimacy between you. Offer unconditional nurturing touch outside of sex, such as a slow hug or foot massage. Also try sensual touch, such as brushing your fingers across your partner’s shoulders or resting your hand on their waist for a moment. However, if no change occurs over time, give yourself permission to drop it.Man facing forward
  • Assess the kind of sex you’re offering. If you’re only focussed on performance and a release of tension with limited connection and pleasure for your partner, you can hardly expect them to keep coming back for it, or you. Are you willing to explore heart-connected, intimate, nurturing yet potent lovemaking? This is not about having to be the world’s greatest lover – it’s just about approaching sex from a bigger perspective and being open to learning. This is what seeking a more Tantric approach to sex can offer you. Graeme and I find that couples make the biggest shift in their libido discrepancies here.
  • Look for the simple solutions too. Could you benefit from getting fitter, helping around the house, having fresh breath and generally making more of an effort to be attractive if you haven’t been?
  • Make a genuine effort to compliment your partner about things that are unrelated to sex. However, also compliment them when they show any sex-positive behaviours, especially if they lack sexual confidence.
  • Drop any behaviours that are a covert manipulation to get sex. Your partner can feel this, and it only pushes them further away.
  • If you do get rejected, don’t just sit on the couch and suffer. Move through the feeling with your ABC, then get up and do something good for yourself.
  • Ask your partner about having sex with a definite timeline, eg. in a couple of hours or the next night, rather than wanting it immediately. Ask them if there’s anything you can do to help them get into the space for lovemaking. This can allow them to feel less pressured.
  • Ask yourself whether your need is actually for intimacy. If so, can you create this another way? Try a hug, sharing an embodied conversation, a drink or movie together, or lying together just holding each other.
  • As painful as it may sound, consider taking a break from sex. Being denied sex immediately makes you want it more than you otherwise might. Focus your energy away from your partner into something else like getting fit, a new hobby, or time out to just chill. This nurtures you and can give your partner a chance to miss and desire you again.
  • If you’re looking for a more direct approach, find a good sexual counsellor. They can help you to discover what might be going on beneath the surface of your relationship.
  • Be prepared to ask some hard questions here. You have every right to understand what’s happening for your partner, and not being willing to at least talk about the situation is not OK. Try a Speaking The Unspoken If you get a complete and permanent no-go zone here, ask yourself what other options you have to deal with your situation, rather than shutting down.

If you’re the Avoider, you can:

  • Acknowledge that underneath your partner’s desire for sex IS a desire to connect with you in a place of love and pleasure. It’s not about wanting to ‘take’ anything from you.
  • Be real about not wanting sex. Don’t just make excuses, as this blurs the picture.
  • Make an effort to re-establish emotional closeness if this has deteriorated. Spend time with your partner sharing mutual interests, even if it’s just a cup of coffee – but remember this is not a replacement for sex.
  • Explore whether your lack of desire for sex is truly a lack of desire. It might just be slow arousal, where it just takes you longer to get into sex. Explore taking your time and using a variety of approaches to see if this makes a difference to your overall desire.
  • Woman being self awareLook at ways that sex might be of value to you. It could be a way of nurturing and connecting with yourself, rather than something you have to ‘give’, which could help you to develop a pro-sex attitude.
  • See what might be limiting your desire that you can change. Is your lack of desire due to something about your partner that they may be willing to change? Is there something in you that you could address in you, eg. your stress and energy levels, protection around your heart, or feelings of inadequacy or resentment? All of these will impact your libido.
  • Take a look back through the chapters on sex (Chapters 7 and this current one). Especially check through Identifying Your Unique Blocks to Pleasure.
  • As you learn to rediscover this part of you, be willing to negotiate levels of sexual participation. For example, you could be with your partner whilst they self-pleasure, or being willing to go into sex without needing the desire to be there upfront, as often desire for sex can come after arousal. This is NOT about forcing yourself to have sex you don’t want, but instead creating an openness to the possibilities within it.
  • Meet your partner in the emotional vulnerability of connecting sex to the heart, rediscovering making love, rather than just having sex. The more you show up, the more they will be invited to and vice versa. Start with talking about it.
  • If none of these things are possible, least negotiate a way for the Pursuer to get their needs met outside the relationship without shame or judgement. Being denied sex (especially without really knowing why) is a very lonely and painful place to be that can damage their self-worth, and at the very least leave them irritable and dead inside.

If you have difficulties in exploring this territory, you’re not alone. Looking at the ideas above is a great start. The many understandings and practices in this book will also help to bring your sexual desires into greater balance.Bali Couples Retreat

Graeme and I have seen many high-desire partner find that their sexual desire changes from quantity to quality, and low-desire partners find their fires kindled in ways they might never have imagined. They may even on occasion find themselves in the high-desire position! Getting onto the same team here will support you in finding a way out of the maze and into a new place of self awareness, understanding, pleasure and connection.

If you have difficulties in exploring the above territory, you’re not alone. Don’t be afraid – or ashamed – to seek outside professional help to guide and support you in f and into a new place of self-awareness, loving understanding, connection and pleasure.

For assistance email here or call 1800 TANTRA

 

10 Steps to New Paradigm Relationship

September 23, 2013 By admin Leave a Comment

10 Steps to your New Paradigm Relationship

that will dearmour your heart, open the flow of your sexual Life Force Energy and keep your relationship eternally fresh and invigorated:

Our intimate relationships are largely seen as the most important aspect of a person’s life yet are also seen as one of the most difficult things to achieve. Traditionally committed relationships were about ownership and property rights, later focussed on being acceptable to family and society. Modern style marriages/relationships are often based on culture of romance and as such Attachment is vital for the Egare doomed to failure as romance is a servant of the Ego (what’s in it for me?) and doesn’t last. People, at least in the west are living longer with more lifestyle choices available than ever before? We believe that your relationship follows the rules of nature- it is never standing still so if it isn’t growing it’s dying. We also see that Love- both personal and infinite is a crucial element for relationship longevity. We offer these relationship tools so you can learn to keep your relationship growing, eliminate boredom and complacency and take a risk and create a sustainable relationship for you:

1. Creating a unique relationship that is right just for you–

letting go of any external rules, values and moral codes that do not serve you and bring your life together into the present moment, with whatever is right for you. We often approach relationship for some largely unhelpful subconscious reasons- Identify what larger fields of influence are defining your choices- eg. Family, friends, culture, religion, society, environment, life experience etc. Let go of them and give yourself permission to envision a plan that works for just the two of you.

2. Living relationship through conscious intention-

having a living agreement between you creates a powerful container for trust, love and support, and opportunities to grow. It is also a strong pathway to pleasure- when you know you both really want to be there and living fully in the moment. You are not bound only by external agreements, rules and obligations but a deep and honest commitment to each other. Find the container that is right for you and COMMIT to it. Affirm it to each other regularly.

3. The No.1 relationship Power tool- it is ALL about yourself!

Contrary to what you have been told. Not just being self serving. Your freedom lies in taking responsibility for you. Taking responsibility means you are connecting to a higher aspect of yourself that is more loving, open, compassionate, Tantra is a safe highgiving. And the quickest avenue to love is to give it.

4. Saying yes to sexuality-

not just as tension relief or itch scratching but as deep pleasure, connection and a way of life. Making time to connect regularly a high priority. This creates a powerful source of energy, connection and flow available in you. Regular sexual connection and acknowledgement of some kind that has an element of love, pleasure, passion, fun, healing or transcendence in it.  Sex carries the energy of creation, allow it to both nurture and inspire you! Also not shutting your sexual energy down around others but enjoying it and being conscious in what you do with it.

5. Cultivating intimacy-

we are often good at being independent, how are you at being up close? Feeling promotes connection. This means ALL of your feelings not just the “nice” ones. Making all of your feelings right not wrong, and something to learn from- feelings are often very logical, when we make our feelings wrong we make ourselves wrong. When we make ourselves wrong we come from a place of shame. Where are you at with intimacy?

6. Saying yes to God, Infinite Love, Spirit (or your equivalent) –

bringing spirituality in to your relationship in a way that works for you. Cultivating experiences that involve state change and lift us out of our everyday state of being in a way that adds rather than detracts eg. Church, meditation, intention, sex, ritual, natural substances used with clear intention. Cultivating Infinite Love to support your challenges in your more Personal Love relationship.

7. Finding yourself through relationship rather than losing yourself-

this includes boundary setting, seeing yourself and partner as individual, allowing yourself to be seen and be vulnerable, seeing where you are out of your business and in your partners. Seeing where the common major relationship challenges may be operating eg. Jealousy, abandonment, isolation, withdrawal, distance/pursuer, masculine/feminine polarities and power imbalances. Examining our childhood experience and seeing where it may be in play in our relationship? As your inner child needs are likely to be subconsciously driving your behaviours- Get to know and nurture your inner child.

8. Embracing your shadows

(the bits of you and your partner that you don’t like) as a pathway TO love rather than separation of it. This includes the desire to try and therapise or fix your partner. This puts them into shame or resistance and allows you to hold on to your own fears. Can you open to love within yourself and love your partner exactly as they are, rather than how you need them to be. Own your projections- See what you need them to be is about keeping you safe. Being present in emotional intensity and feeling into what part of us is showing up- jealous one, disempowered one etc. allowing it to be seen and moved through. Cultivating presence with ourselves to get clear what is our stuff and what might be the others?

9. Living on Loves edge-

regularly straying out of your comfort zone- learning to expand rather than contract. Indentifying what is your deepest desire in life, recognizing that your partner’s deepest desire is likely to be the most difficult thing for you to say yes to.Tantra is sex and more This is about going beyond compromise which ultimately takes the excitement and passion out of a relationship and merely creates resentment. Identify what is in your “no”- what is there for you to grow in? This is an ultimate path to love.

10. Purpose & Service-

Pass on your direct experiences of love to the world around you in some way as allowing them to overflow from you to the world around you allows the energy of Love to keep flowing. Pass it around. Our relationships work best when they are not just for us but for the whole world. For every action, thought and emotion affects everything in the universe as we are all part of the same oneness.

CONTACT US:

Graeme 0457 966 696
Annette 0437 966 696

or Email us here

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