The Hottest Thing You Can Do For Your Man In Bed Tonight (and one that is good for you too!)
And all you need to grab for it is a handful of oil or lubricant and your man…
“I didn’t know how to feel, so I learned to touch” sings Leonard Cohen
This is true for so many men. Young boys feel just as much as girls until they grow up conditioned by society to toughen up, “not be a pussy” or worst of all to “man up!” In our work, we see that men DO feel, deeply and powerfully, in a way that is more of an internal experience rather than an external expression (anger and sex are the two exceptions here). We see it because the place where men are most motivated to risk feeling fully is in sex and the bonuses of him doing so pay off in many more ways than just the few seconds of his orgasm.
From not having permission to feel and with his way of feeling made wrong not many men learn to perform and touch in sex, 
rather feel, connect and deepen.
The simple but profound practice we’re offering today will give him the chance to do just that. In fact, it can help break his heart wide open! For the woman who loves him, if she’s looking for more ‘connection’ in their lovemaking this is a great place to find it! And it impacts on more than just the bedroom, it can leave him happier and more connected to himself in the rest of his world too. The practice we’re referring to is Tantric Practice called a Lingam Massage (Lingam is the Tantric name for his penis or cock but use whatever works for you).
In preparation for writing this article we asked some men who’ve experienced it for their own words on the subject. If there’s anything that will render a man poetic, it’s this place.
One man described it as “joining all the dots of sex, intimacy and connection. It validated a very deep part of me and made me feel comfortable with myself in a whole new way. It may sound over the top, but for me it was life changing!”
Another mentioned finding “a place of spaciousness, a timeless experience of my authentic power that lies beyond the mind.”
Still another said “I found I was not only able to feel more but was able to open my heart tp my partner and really receive her love.”
One said “I now see how much more I can be. I’m now able to fully love my beautiful wife as she deserves to be loved, and I feel deserving of hers.”
And last but not least this: “I found it powerful yet subtle. It was very pleasurable and enjoyable without the need to perform in any way, to just open and experience what was happening in my body, helping me remove shame and guilt around my sexuality and sexual desire. It also connected me to a deep, yet quiet, sense of myself and my own power.”
Lingam massage gives a man the chance to feel without having to perform, or give, in any way other than by being himself. It’s a rare and precious opportunity for him that will change his lovemaking forever as he relaxes into himself and learns what it is like to feel full bodied, heart connected pleasure. It’s likely that he’s never experienced himself in this way before. The bonus for the woman who shares this practice with him is that helping him to feel himself this way ensures he will feel her more easily too…yummy things for both the giver and receiver!
This is not about performing, he doesn’t even need to get an erection. If he doesn’t nothing is wrong, his body may just be profoundly relaxing. There is still much pleasure he can experience, as surprisingly he doesn’t require an erection to feel it! You both just need to let go of attachment to the idea that an erection is the only measure of his pleasure and desire and notice what else is going on.
Lingam Massage
- Invite your man into the bedroom by letting him know you have a special treat for him, and that all he has to do is just relax!
- Have him lie on his back with you sitting on a cushion facing him, with his butt in your lap and his throttle in your hot little hands. (You can rest your legs along either side of his chest). This is actually quite a vulnerable position for him to be in so be gentle and loving in how you approach him.
- Invite him to rest his hands on your knees so he can feel connected to you but make sure he doesn’t caress you as this is about him receiving and feeling himself. If he’s doing he’s more likely to be outside of himself rather than connecting within.
- Rest both hands over his genitals for a few moments and look him in the eyes whilst reassuring him all he has to do is breathe, relax and receive.
- Move one had up to his heart and ask him to take a few deep breaths, exhaling out through his mouth.
- Using a natural oil such as coconut or a long-lasting lubricant massage his genitals. Include the whole area- his lingam, inner thighs, pubic area, balls, ball sack, and his perineum (the area between his balls and his anus). Don’t be afraid to explore. Keep one hand stroking his lingam (or keep coming back to it) to keep his attention focussed.
- If he’s particularly sensitive stroke gently, if he likes it more firmly then use more pressure, keep checking in with him how he likes it in each area.
- Keep encouraging him to breathe deeply, exhaling at the back of his throat.
- If his arousal starts to peak, pause your movements (but keep your hands on him) ask him to inhale and imagine he’s breathing his pleasure up to his heart. As he exhales he relaxes his pelvic floor muscles (the ones between his legs) and imagines his pleasure spreading through his body. This is called surfing the edge and will bring his arousal down enough for you to keep playing. It might take 3 or 4 breaths for his arousal to shift, you’ll know it’s working when his lingam softens slightly.
- To help take his pleasure up to his heart, run your hand from his lingam up his belly to his heart. This gives his mind a concrete sensation to focus on. He may feel an ‘energetic block’ between his lingam and his heart, if he does trust this is real, invite him to keep relaxing, breathing his energy up and see what happens. With practice this block will dissolve or shift.
You might just be massaging his genitals yet in reality you’ve got his heart in your hands as well, allowing it to gently crack open a little each time. You keep him safe by being present, loving and connected.
Spend about an hour here. Take your time, relax into the moment rather than seek any particular outcome.
You don’t need any specific techniques (if you know 2, you’ll know one more than him). Vary your speed, pressure, location (base, middle, tip) and make sure you keep lots of oil or lube up, as if you don’t he’ll get sore and this is not what you want!
Mostly just put your love into your hands and eyes and invite him to drink it in, this is better than any fancy technique and the more you’re in your own heart the more you’ll give him permission to feel his…
Keep his attention on what he’s feeling inside himself, whatever it is. Ask him about it occasionally- he may not have any words for it himself as yet (he’s probably never been asked to explain it before!). He feeling heat, tingling, desire, pleasure, pressure, softening, connection, opening, expansion.
As you massage remember to breathe yourself, as this keeps your energy flowing and you relaxed too. Enjoy the feeling of having your man allowing you into his most vulnerable of places. Validate him for going there and keep your words to those of love and encouragement, as you imagine you would like in his position.
Be open to whatever happens.
As we said, you might just be massaging his genitals but such is the power of this practice it can open up all sorts of previously undiscovered places and feelings in a man. One of which will definitely be enormous gratitude! Getting him used to feeling will increase your man’s desire to take his time in lovemaking, to trust opening his heart and to trust you in the process- serious gifts for any relationship!
This practice is the beginning of a man experiencing full bodied pleasure, lasting longer, non ejaculatory orgasms and multiple orgasms so it’s worth doing regularly and his experience will be different each time. As his lovemaking will become.
If you like this practice and would like to explore further consider bringing in some sexual healing as outlined here on our Sexual Healing page
Despite his conditioning a man hugely benefits from exploring his ability to feel, especially when it comes to the bedroom and it in no way makes him less manly. Rather, it makes him just the opposite!
We respectfully teach Lingam Massage in our Couples Retreats and where helpful in our Couples Sessions!
If you have any questions about this practice please don’t hesitate to contact us.
And if you’re into high friction sex or masturbation without conscious breathing (which maybe you aren’t if you’re here) your genitals will also be desensitized.
Such is the power of our sex organs they can transport us into an expanded reality if we allow them.
definition without judgment. Get really, really present with them, as if nothing else exists. Observe any embarrassment and breathe into it, give it love and it will fade. Go a little deeper and ‘sense’ them, do they feel,seem open, closed, happy, neglected, appreciated etc. Ask them if they have a message for you. Don’t think it, just wait and see what comes. Then just breathe and be. Let the love in.
When I hear the words “men are only interested in sex…” I feel angry, angry at how easily as a man I feel I have been judged. It is an instant flash of heat and fire when I feel labeled as an unfeeling block of wood that only wants to sex. Yes, I do love sex but most importantly, I love making love, not as an unfeeling block of wood, but as a deeply loving, emotionally connected man.
yet that was my normal in my world back then. In my previous life I was in a long term marriage that ended, a farmer and earth moving contractor, and in that world emotions received the same level of social acceptance as contracting a sexually transmitted disease.
The good news is modern trends are indicating gradual change for both men and women away from stereotypes of the past towards more middle ground. Increasingly, men are willingly choosing more active family roles such as being the stay at home primary care giver, performing more house work and sexually, men are becoming less driven by their urges and more by their desire for emotional connection.
relationship dynamics. Through our work with relationships, we are aware that in intimate relationships, it is generally men who have capacity for and do bring heart depth into relationship.
Looking beneath and past the conditioned surface appearance of relationship, where it is so easy to accept the common logic of men bring sex and a woman heart, it becomes possible to see that with real depth, it is men who bring heart depth into relationship and women bring heart connected sex.
As men own more of their emotionality, they begin to feel more depth of heart connection with their sexuality. Deepening into heart and making love from this place is what man is capable of bringing into relationship.
