Love Archives - Relationship & Sexuality Counselling Specialists

Can You Allow Your Heart to Crack Open?

July 18, 2023 By Annette & Graeme 2 Comments

And what happens if it does?

When you choose to have your heart open, not what you might think.

We like to play it safe in relationship

It’s the fear of getting hurt in our intimate relationships.

We can get hurt in other areas of life and deal with it, but this one is the real biggie.

It leads us to consciously, and unconsciously, protect ourselves

To play it safe.

And we do stay safe.

But we don’t get what we truly want.

We miss out on what we want

Humanity has achieved incredible feats yet we still create great havoc and misery in intimacy.

We don’t get the love we signed up for.

We don’t get the love that pulls us out of ourselves, that gives us the sublime WOW factor we secretly long for.

What does happen?

So what DOES happen if you decide to really fully, exquisitely open your heart to your partner?

If you give it your all with no holding back.

Whether your partner does or not.

What happens is that you learn what it is like to have your heart open.

You get to live from your open heart

You want to be in service and devotion to your partner (two words that have become dirty in the age of ME).

They become more important than you.

At least part of the time.

You forgive them their mistakes.

And you give them opportunities to touch your heart again and again.

When you open your heart, YOU are actually opening YOUR heart.

At this level it is nothing to do with the other person.

It is you experiencing and learning what it is like to love.

It matters less what the other person does, it’s just you learning to live from your open heart.

Even if they leave, you still have your open heart.

To give to the next person. Or to invest in some other part of your life.

What we fear most is actually less painful than the pain we experience when we’re hurt with a closed heart.

Closed hearts create more suffering

When our hearts are closed it is so much easier to hold onto the story. To hold on to the suffering, the drama of what he did, she said, on and on back through time.

There is SO much pain in that closed hearted place fed by the ego. The pain is never ending as long as we choose it.

When our hearts are open and we are choosing love no matter what, it is scary but we choose to stay in the now.

We can feel the hurt, we can let it in and allow our magnificent hearts to heal it.

We can cry, scream, yell and rail at the universe but we get it. We heal.

We make love more important than the pain.

We can create healed relationships with the one who hurt/left us.

We can own our part in what was created between us.

Our partners can be inspired to meet us there.

Sometimes we can even see our existing partners in a whole new light and fall in love with them all over again.

Not in a dewy eyed fairytale, but in something real, raw and open.

This is the next stage of relationship the world is waiting for.

Where we stop loving from the ego. From simply getting all its needs met and only giving when it suits us. Where we remain in control, protected and hiding our heart.

Where we stop looking for the bad in our partners so we can justify protecting ourselves. Where we can point the finger and say “See…look at what they did/are doing! I need to protect myself”

Where we start to see the good in our partners and stop pushing them away because our pain seeking selves are too scared to let them in.

Where we start taking care of our own nervous systems and choose safety, love and belonging, rather than hurt. Where we learn to surrender our defences.

Where we can do the work, own our worth, stop avoiding, stop people pleasing. Or any of the hundred and one ways we have to avoid love.

Where we stand up to be counted and be someone who can be counted on in relationship.

Where we choose love over fear.

We can hear the cacophony of voices saying, but what if…?

What if this kind of love isn’t real?
What if our partners are not really worth loving this deep?

What if they don’t return our love?

What if love hurts?

We get it. It’s scary.

We challenge you to not make it about the other person.

We invite you to look at your own capacity for love.

There is so much you can learn and heal and grow in.

And funnily enough, more safety to be found.

For support in navigating yourself to your open heart contact Annette and Graeme here

Building Trust in Your Relationship

August 19, 2015 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

For most of us trust is an important, if not the no.1 issue in our relationships.

Here we discuss different ways to invest in and nurture trust including having fun together!

We have a huge emotional investment in our intimate relationships that makes our potential for vulnerability great and trust is something that cannot be taken for granted.

What actually is trust? Trust is the freedom to be ourselves in the relationship without having to constantly guard ourselves against judgement, manipulation, betrayal, deceit, disloyalty or unfaithfulness. Where we can relax in the knowledge that our partner’s have our backs and we have theirs, allowing us to let down our walls and open our hearts. Where we can be vulnerable and be met in that.

A lack of trust in relationship means a high level of insecurity in ourselves and suspicion of the other person creating an acrimonious and destructive atmosphere in the relationship that is doomed to failure if not addressed.

Trust doesn’t just happen, it needs to be nurtured and invested in.

Strategies for building trust in your relationship

Be willing to commit

If one or both people have one foot out the door of a relationship it drains energy from it and prevents you from accessing the power full commitment brings. ‘The moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred.’ Sir Edmund Hilary.

Create a strong relationship container

Talk about what is important to each of you in your relationship, your beliefs, values, needs and desires. Bring them out into the open and let yourselves see each other more clearly. Agree on your core goals.

Be in integrity with yourself and your partner

Say what you mean and mean what you say. Ensure your actions match your words. Be honest and do so with compassion. Don’t have secrets, as this prevents you from fully knowing each other and puts covertness into your relationship space. This doesn’t mean you have your tell partner everything about you, just if it comes up don’t withhold. At this level of investment the risks are high and not following through just doesn’t cut it.

Holding on to yourself

It’s easy for us to get triggered in relationship, in fact it’s normal. The smart thing to do in it is to practice holding on to yourself. By this we mean taking some deep breaths into your body and not flying off into an unconscious reaction. See that what your partner has said is about them rather than you (even if they’re using your name!). Take a moment to connect with your heart and respond from this place of rather than from one of disconnection and you will be surprised at the results.

It’s OK not to be perfect, it’s not OK not to own it

We’re all human and there are going to be times when we can’t or don’t do what we say, or we say things we don’t mean. The vital thing is to follow up and clean up, owning our behaviour and letting our partner know we’ve seen what is happening so they can relax back into connection with us. This is a powerful way of building trust as it connects us with our humanity.

Be willing to trust

We need to trust first in order to be trusted so be willing to go first, to trust unless you learn reasons not to. If you do find something you don’t understand that is creating suspicion get it sorted as soon as possible, don’t let it fester and grow horns.

Check out our own blocks to trust

When we carry a lack of trust inside ourselves it can supersede our ability to love. We can create insecurity and resentment in our partner if we are always questioning their motives or trying to control their behaviour to keep us safe. Especially if we are addicted to getting our power from pointing out where they’ve f..ked up. All this does is push our partner away from us and deny ourselves the love we seek. It’s important to be able to knock our own walls down and be available to trust.

Are you able to trust yourself?

Ultimately trust is about trusting ourselves for the more belief we have in our ability to deal with whatever happens the less control and more openness we’ll have in any given situation. So challenge yourself to build your self reliance skills.

Connect with your heart and body, breathe into yourself and feel what is real for you.
Be willing to self validate rather than look for it from your partner.
Take a risk and show up first, rather than waiting for the other person you can then judge.
Try new things, learn a new hobby, take on a course, change your routine, anything to get yourself out of your comfort zone a little so you can see what you’re capable of.

A word about vulnerability

We usually see vulnerability as a weakness but it isn’t. All vulnerability means is we have the potential to be hurt, it doesn’t mean the vulnerability is actually hurting us. It’s actually our fear of and resistance to the vulnerability that creates the hurt. In fact as strange as it may sound if we can willingly embrace the feeling of vulnerability it is very empowering. Because it takes a high level of connection with ourselves to be able to be consciously vulnerable and open, it actually becomes a place of great strength. Like any skill it takes practice so find little ways to begin being with this feeling where you know you won’t be compromised (like with a trusted friend) and slowly reduce your fear of it as you build your ability. It can change your life!

For more on vulnerability read Brene Brown’s book Daring Greatly- how the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we love, love parent and lead.

Have fun together

Couples who play together stay together! Play isn’t just about having fun it’s also a great trust builder as when you’re playing you’re relaxing and opening doors to part of you that might otherwise stay closed. Expecially when you give yourselves permission to play as a child might, using your creative imaginations. We forget how to do this as adults yet it can bring fresh, new energy to your couples connection. So when you think of play don’t just think of going for dinner, a movie, doing a workout together or trying a new adventure (all good things), instead use your imagination and try eg. having a picnic with your favourite childhood foods, playing hide and seek, body painting, covering each other with oil and having a body slide on a sheet of plastic. Whatever you do, do it from a place of exploration and let yourselves go! This is a great heart opener and trust builder- as having childhood fun as an adult can be a bit vulnerable, but so worth it!

If you like the above suggestions you might like to explore them and more in our upcoming Couples Retreat see here

Making fear your friend…

August 13, 2015 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Making fear your friend rather than your enemy…

Fear- we all experience it.

How can we make it a positive experience? Even a pathway to love?

Fear can range anywhere from a mild yet persistent queasiness in our gut to a mind numbing sheer terror and everything in between. Science tells us that fear is part of our most primal survival system yet most of us judge fear as an icky, unpleasant feeling we need to control or get rid of as quickly as possible, whilst imagining a blissful time in the future when we could live totally free of it.

Yet have you noticed how we love, even crave excitement- an upcoming party or taking a risk on a job? Interestingly fear and excitement are basically the same experience in the body, it’s how we deal with them that makes them different. More on this later.

We actually need fear.

It forms a vital part of life as our inborn importance detector.

Because when we have fear about something, whether it is walking down a dark city street alone late at night, feeling disconnected in our relationship or looking at our latest bank statement where our expenses are exceeding our income, fear is telling us to be careful, the stakes are high here.

Fear is telling us something important is happening and we need to be awake and to pay attention.

It is a call to action to focus on and sort out what is important and in our daily lives this can be invaluable.

When we take control in fear and take action the fear is resolved.

When we let fear control us our mind generated stories run a muck and chaos often follows.

In our modern society fear is highly overdone.

Our ancestors had immediate and deadly things to be afraid of, like a wild bear or a neighbouring tribe on the warpath and the actions needed to be taken were obvious. Our problem in today’s information age is that technology offers us a constant stream of information about many things to be aware of with little we can actually DO about them, leaving us in a constant state of low level anxiety. Things like rising crime statistics, international terrorism and the potential collapse of our financial markets etc. Well, theoretically we can choose to address one or two of these through a personal crusade for change but it’s impossible for us to personally fix everything. However we still have to deal with the fear that comes at us, sometimes feeling like a constant barrage.

We also live more intellectually these days where fear is largely a mind driven emotion. Moments of fear that are real and life threatening are a more rare experience, although they do happen, for example experiencing serious illness or being a victim of crime.

How do we make fear our friend?

What do we do with the underlying stress and anxiety that comes from dealing with either this constant existential barrage of fear, or the more intimate fears we experience in our personal lives?

We take action on the inside of us.

Firstly, we can choose to see fear as a positive messenger.

Secondly, we can understand the nature of fear.

Fear is an emotion

It’s triggered in the pre-thought primal, survival part of our brain, stimulating the release of adrenaline and cortisol- our stress management hormones that create tension in the body, increase our heart rate and breathing, sending blood away from organs to essential muscles whilst maintaining essential body systems and focusing our attention making us ready to fight, flee or freeze as appropriate.

Extended periods of fear can result in stress that leads to suppressed immunity, high blood pressure, fatigue, irritability, reduced libido, poor memory, excessive hair and bone loss, diabetes and a host of other chronic diseases that have you functioning at a less than optimal level.

Experiences of fear commonly include anxiety and worry but can also extend to unease, apprehension, nervousness, timidity, unrest, fearfulness, distress, holding on, foreboding, doubt, catastrophizing, alarm, paralysis, dread, fright, panic, phobia, aversion, mania, terror, horror.

Energetically fear is seen as stuck energy in our body and its symptoms begin with butterflies or unease in the stomach and increased muscle tension with hyper alertness and heightened negative thoughts, building to nausea, cold, tingling, agitation, shaking, feeling frozen or unable to think or move, and at its most extreme we can experience a complete dissociation from the body.

You may notice you can experience fear just in reading about it! If this is you, please pause and take a few deep breaths to release it.

Mentally we experience fear as negative thoughts about a future event, real or imagined that we perceive to be out of our control. The bigger the fear the more frequent and negative the thoughts become.

Such as, my husband is late home from work so- my mind says he must have got the sack and is too scared to tell me, or maybe he is having a drink with his attractive new PA, maybe he is finding me too boring, I even think he wants out of this relationship etc. Or perhaps the boss hasn’t stopped by to chat on his way home for the last few days, maybe he is unhappy with the work that I’ve been doing and is looking to give someone else that position I’ve been knocking myself out for…

How we think makes a difference in fear

This negative thought spiral of course creates more fear in the body which drives a further catastrophizing of the thoughts creating even more fear, it becomes a vicious cycle that is hard to break…

As well as how we breathe

And most importantly in fear our breath becomes shallow and rapid, happening only in the upper part of our chest; in extreme fear we may stop breathing altogether.

So in fear, we are breathing shallowly and creating story by telling ourselves something bad is going to happen that is beyond our control.

Fear is related to control and power…

Interestingly the only difference between the experience of fear and excitement is that in excitement we continue to breathe normally or more strongly and tell ourselves something good is going to happen, where being out of control can be enjoyable! In this way feeling fear can be part of feeling truly alive if we accept it as such…

This is why some people really love horror movies, rollercoasters, extreme sports or edgy sex where they experience fear as excitement in (they believe) a positive environment.

We experience fear most powerfully in our solar plexus which is energetically the centre of power of our Ego self. This is why negative fears are based on experiences of feeling out of control and of doubting our capabilities to take action and positive ones the opposite.

And why having a positive plan of action will put us in the driver’s seat of fear.

Thirdly- learning what to do with fear.

(the order of the following steps will vary depending on the situation, but each of them will help):

Get grounded by feeling your feet on the floor, or your butt on the chair or put your hand up in front of your face and focus on its flesh and blood reality.
Check your body and notice what you are doing with your breathing and take 1, 2 or a few slow, deep breaths. Taking deep breaths will guide you in finding your sense of control. The most powerful deep breath is out through your mouth with an “ah”.
Accept the fear. It’s already there so trying to fight it is a losing battle. What works, as paradoxical as it sounds is making it ok, seeing it as a good thing.
Ask yourself what is real here? Am I at risk? Shine a light on the facts?
– Is there a wild animal or perpetrator about to catch me?
– Am I actually unsafe here?
– Do these numbers on my tax calculations add up to what I think they do?
– I don’t actually know yet why my husband is late coming home from work, I just know he is late
– All I know is the boss hasn’t stopped by, at this point I don’t know the reason
Stay in the present moment, the here and now, with what you know is real and what you can deal with. None of us truly know what is going to happen in the future because it hasn’t happened yet and 98% of what we worry about doesn’t happen. So save yourself the stress by checking in with yourself and asking how real is this fear story? If you don’t know it’s real, let it go. If it is, act on it.
Ask yourself is what can you do to make a difference to your situation, some practical step that will allow your fear to shift (remember fear is about stuckness so moving will help it dissolve and will also help you feel more empowered).
– It doesn’t have to be the best thing, or even the right thing, just something to get you moving. Like doing those taxes or talking to your boss.
– If you have no idea what to do then do nothing, but do it actively ie. deep breathe, stretch, a good shake (like an animal does after it has had a shock to restore its equilibrium), have a cup of tea, go for a walk, sit up against a tree or talk to someone (not about the fear unless you can do it without dramatizing your situation), as human contact can help us feel real again.
– You will be amazed at how often choosing this step will allow a previously unthought of solution to appear, or previously unavailable energy arise.
Have compassion for yourself and know that fear is a universal human experience that everyone faces many times in their lives, it is not happening to you because you alone are inadequate.
You cannot rid yourself of fear as nature abhors a vacuum. You must first bring something else in its place- either a deep breath, a positive thought or action, or even love itself, for as the bible says in John 4:1,8 “perfect love casts out fear”, no matter what your particular version of love is.

This is particularly true in the case of existential anxiety, the anxiety we can do little about at a practical level. In this case simply placing a hand on your heart, breathing into and connecting with the love that literally lives within you through thinking of something that you feel truly grateful for will create a shift (even if your heart connection takes a minute or two to show up, it will).

Understand that fear is an emotion created through an experience with your external world (even if that experience is just a thought about what could happen) and as deep and intense as they can feel at times, emotions are on the surface of who we are. The more you accept and breathe into it, experiencing it fully (ie. bringing love in) the more it will dissolve leaving you with the ease, clarity, openness, spaciousness or love that lies at our core behind. This is how fear can be a pathway to love.

Nb. If the fear is very intense it may become even more so as you first breathe into it but trusting your breath and the process and staying with it will allow it to leave your body. And remember the more intensity the more good things will arise after it.

Nb. If you have nervousness in the early stages of lovemaking using your breath to master it will enhance your experience of pleasure within the act itself.

To minimize ongoing mind generated anxiety ask yourself on a regular basis, am I choosing life from a place of love, or a place of (exaggerated) fear? Get familiar with choosing life from your heart, from love. Practicing the above steps is choosing from love.

The choice is up to you.

Courage is not the absence of fear but action in the face of it.

Will you choose to make fear your enemy or your friend?

This is the power in your hands.