Lasting Longer Archives - Relationship & Sexuality Counselling Specialists

Tantric Sex for Men – Oztantra

February 9, 2015 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Tantric sex for men

In my journey of self exploration and discovery, I have had many realisations, and one of them is tantric sex for men is mostly unexplored and poorly understood.

Actually, the more I discover about Tantric sex, the more I realise I don’t know, as I also believe that learning Tantra is finding that place of limitless and connection that exists in all of us.

I have also reached an understanding that with heart and sexuality connection where there exists potential for significant increases in pleasure and heart felt satisfaction with your partner.

What this actually looks and feels like for a man, is in his ability to be able to fully tap into and connect with his own awesome power in all aspects of his life.

From the Boardroom to the Bedroom

This potential exists not only in the bedroom but from the boardroom to the clubroom and every aspect in between.

For a man connecting with his heart is also him connecting with his warrior self, as they reside in the same place in a man, in his heart.

Because, when a man confronts his fears and gives himself permission to fully connect his heart and sexuality also includes accessing and owning his warrior self. Warrior intensity comes from the power in a man’s heart, and the healthy masculine warrior is pure heart.

Our couples Retreat is the perfect forum for any man to learn these skills with his partner.

Warrior Sex

In recent times, the term “warrior” has had a bad rap, as so much of man’s unhealthy shadow is seen as coming from this aspect and most men have fear about this and hold this part of themselves in denial. As men, denying our warrior makes our unhealthy shadow aspect even deeper and much harder to manage.

If your wondering what this unhealthy masculine looks like, then examples are all around us. Watch any news media and nearly all the story’s are about money, sex or power. These aspects are all part of the healthy masculine as well, but the healthy masculine is heart connected which totally changes any outcome. Money, sex and power without heart is behind majority of conflicts, economic difficulties and environmental challenges. It takes heart connected masculine energy to change these problems, and that is the healthy warrior.

A man in his heart connected with his warrior is a man that will stand up and protect his heart, himself, family, community and his place in this world.

It is a challenge for any man to connect with and honor this part of himself, as so much of our cultural political correctness supports the shaming of this essential aspect of healthy and sacred masculinity. It takes real courage for a man to stand up for what he believes is right, as quite often this requires him challenging societal norms. Healthy masculine will also challenge and call out wounded feminine behaviours but in a way that is healing for woman.

Connecting with his warrior self is a journey deeply into himself and must include experiencing himself with other men in healthy masculine space.

A man connecting with his warrior is accessing his depth of inner masculine strength that all men have, yet most carry shame or confusion about connecting with this essential part of masculinity. Warrior is the healthy part of masculinity that grounds and holds safety for himself and those around him, especially when a man decides to open his heart and connect with his sexuality and with his partner.

Men have been shamed out of this place and have confusion as to what healthy masculine sexuality looks and feels like.

It is this healthy connection with his inner strength or warrior that will hold him grounded and safe in opening his heart in intimate sexual connection in his relationships.

Relationship Sex is the Best Sex

I also believe that for most men, this intensely pleasurable sexual potential is best achieved and maintained in committed and long term relationships, where all these aspects can flourish and develop.

This special and healthy gift of sacred masculinity requires nurturing, expression and connection.

Man’s fuel of desire for sexual connection comes from his open loving heart, and this is best achieved for most men in healthy relationships.

Healthy sexual desire is heart connected and heart energized for any man, and if in doubt ask a woman what she most desires in her man and it is usually to feel his loving open heart, to feel his power in loving presence.

Yet, for a man to tap into this sexual potential is much more than simply being physically capable, for it requires emotional awareness, connection and courage to really be able to connect to his true sexual heart capability.

This connection is internal and doesn’t require any mystical or esoteric skills from outside.

For any man, simply being emotionally aware and understanding and fully grasping and accessing his own vulnerable heart sexual connection is where it all begins.

Sexual Power

Strength of connection to his sexual power will require a man to be fully connected and grounded in his body and heart. This is not about being overtly sexual but simply recognizing and owning his heart intensity and sexual power. In this place, it is important for any man to claim and own his masculinity in how it is for him, and most often this may look different to how a woman would desire it to be. If in doubt, simply consider the differences between the romance industry for women and the porn industry for men. Both have their appeal, but don’t really appeal to the other. This is where men quite often become derailed in their journey into their masculinity, as they believe they have to play “the game” to get what they want from the opposite sex. This is why it is important that any man’s journey into his masculinity requires plenty of healthy masculine connection.

When heart and sexuality are accessed and activated and connected, a man begins to feel his true power. It is in this place that man can truly connect with his inner warrior and feel his own strength and power surging through his body. Making love from this place is like nothing else, for a man can be fully in his power and feel it surging through his body, or simply be quiet and in stillness.

Mastering the skills of separating ejaculation and orgasm requires a man to feel his power, as men require access to their feeling of inner strength to manage and hold ejaculation energy successfully with out needing to shut it down. Ejaculation energy in a man is pure heart and is the energy force that creates life and requires clarity and focus to manage this energy into full bodied pleasure.

Ejaculation energy is pure heart energy with the power to create life.

Tantric lovemaking is about creating more of everything, including ramping up your ejaculation heart intensity and multi orgasmic energy and this also applies to women as well. In tantric lovemaking, this combined energy is truly breathtaking.

This masculine ejaculation heart energy creates heat for intense full body multiple orgasms, which further deepens open heart and inner connection and vulnerability with the power of sexual connection holding all this together.

It takes a man who is fully in his power to hold himself in this place and meet his partner in lovemaking.

The stronger heart connection that any man can create for himself in his relationship, the more loving pleasure he will experience during sex.

And, so will his partner, for a women desires to feel this part of her man, and if in doubt, ask her…..

In this place of accessing his masculine warrior strength during lovemaking will also impact on his partner in a deeply loving and subtle way. A woman will feel met, held and safe enabling her to open into her sacred surrender.

Gspot

A women’s Gspot is an energy point that is highly sensitive and receptive to this masculine energy and both can easily experience deeply loving, satisfying heart connected lovemaking with very little movement.

This is tantric lovemaking in its simplest form.

Men and Sex

January 12, 2015 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Why do Men Want Sex ?

And why is sex important …. ?

Men and sex – as a man, have you ever wondered why sex is so important and why it can be such a minefield of confusion? And, if you’re a woman have you ever wondered why you are so often objectified by men?

It is also important to recognize that most men feel confusion over the intensity and power they feel in their sexual energy and how to be with this. This can also increase feelings of vulnerability and fear for a man, in how to be with this and what to actually do with the potent sexual intensity coursing through their bodies. Yet men have very few opportunities and places to learn about this in a healthy and constructive way.

Why are Boys Treated Differently ?

From the moment they are born, boys are treated differently. (as a father of 2 daughters and a son, I know this one) If you don’t believe this, then take note of how you feel when you see a baby, but aren’t aware of what gender it is. Then recognise how your feelings alter when you discover its gender.

This is not wrong and is normal and healthy, but it’s the choices made with what to do with these feelings of difference is what can create problems. All to often, simply because they are boys, they are left wanting and craving affection as some adults “believe” it will toughen him up or they will grow up “unmanly”.

From birth, boys are treated differently from girls and unfortunately this difference equates to less intimacy, hugs and affection for boys than what they really need as they grow up. Boys need just as much loving touch, loving hugs, loving contact as girls. Most boys don’t get adequate loving attention, and this is where problems start.

Boys and Intimacy

When a boy is deprived of intimacy, he will feel neglected or rejected and will seek connection or solace outside of themselves through attention seeking behaviour, substance abuse, aggressive behavior or other shadow behaviors. Feeling this hurt or pain has become his normal, so instead of feeling nurtured and loved he may often develop emotional numbing behavior patterns to simply stop the pain.

Often, a man’s hurt is from unresolved issues with his mother and if left unresolved will often manifest in feelings of anger towards women in general, especially when he doesn’t get what he wants, such as sex. If a boy’s father is also emotionally or physically absent, he will have little understanding of what it means to be a man and will often be even more vulnerable to other shadow masculine behaviour.

Being a boy, and feeling inside of himself simply means he is in his feeling body and connecting with and feeling his emotional self. But, if these feelings contain too much unresolved hurt or rejection and he feels isolated with out support, then he most likely will begin to close down emotionally.

This possibly is one of the main reasons that as men they objectify women as they seek to detach from the painful feelings of rejection in their place of love. It is easier to feel outside of themselves and be objective than to expose their vulnerable and already wounded self. This can become his way of life where it is safer to detach than feel or express his pain. Men also suffer deeply from not having healthy masculine role models in their lives.

The importance of Sexual Connection for a man

Sexual connection is still a man’s preferred method of expression of connection with his emotional self and his partner. It takes a lot of repressed emotional baggage such as hurt and frustration for a man to close his heart and sexual connection.

When a man is feeling sexually connected and fulfilled, his heart is open, soft, vulnerable yet powerful and readily accessible to his partner and those around him. He feels himself in a way that nurtures his soul and has his life force energy pumping through his body.

When sex is not available, unfulfilling or has become a “relationship transaction” then his world is different, similar to how it was for him as a child. Most likely, he will become needy in his pursuit of sex and create a range of shadow behaviors, like shutting down emotionally in his relationship, watching porn, loosing respect for women and becoming emotionally or even physically abusive.

This is the cycle of sexual shadow that men often find themselves caught up in, and for too many men, it is an attractive option to simply shut down emotionally and opt out of the sexual drama game.

Cultivation of Sexual Energy

Yet when a man allows himself to fully feel his sexual heart energy connection, that powerful life force which most men feel intensely at some stage throughout their lives, they are often heavily influenced by the intensity they feel in this. Men who connect in this place are softer, more grounded with a stronger sense of masculine self, more emotionally available and expressive and generally, very happy.

Unfortunately, few men learn how to cultivate and grow this natural pleasurable life force energy. Most men spend much of their time and energy shutting this energy down or keeping the lid on their life force simply because they don’t know how to be healthy in their sexuality.

It takes just as much energy to keep the lid on this life force as to what is being contained and is probably why men who choose this way feel tired and with little zest for life. Men (and women) have very few healthy role models or examples of what this may look like in a healthy man (or woman).

Even those men who have created a healthy sexual relationship for and with themselves can still remain unaware of how to consciously develop, grow and maintain their sexual energy, especially as they get older.

Sexual Shame

Men do carry deep shame about themselves as sexual beings, yet it is most often this part of them they put forward in who they would like to be. Some men create unhealthy ego (or shadow) about their sexual prowess and their conquests over others, particularly over women, as men often fantasize about “conquering” a woman sexually.

The porn industry promotes this angle, and women are portrayed as thankful. For young adolescents this is seen as a measure of prowess by their peers, and sadly, something to strive for as a rite of passage into manhood. Some adult men also support this and there are business’s and clubs who actually teach men how to prey on women.

Unfortunately, all this does is to encourage adolescents in the opposite direction of what healthy masculine sexuality looks like. The end result is what we see far too often, a rite of passage for young men that is confusing, disconnected from themselves and the birth of a potential misogynistic mind set.

What Does all This Mean if You’re a Woman ?

If you’re a woman, imagine instead of feeling objectified by men over your sexuality, you could instead see a wounded little boy who is frightened and desperate for loving connection with you? It takes a courageous and mature woman to do this, to call out and hold space for the little boy to feel safe and drop his masks.

Most importantly, his objectification of you as a woman is all about him and his issues. His hurt and his response is his inadequacy in owning his feelings and communicating with you from his place of self respect. Most men will feel shame in this place but don’t have healthy supporting men to create change. They shut down.

It takes maturity for both men and women to see any man acting out his little boy yet still create a safe space for him to step into and claim his inner power through his vulnerability.

It is up to men to take responsibilities for their actions and create change, either on their own or with other men. When a man is acting out his shadow sexual behaviour on women, and this can be in many different ways, such as sexist comments, leering looks, petty acts to physical violence or sexual abuse, it is his problem or wound. It takes a healthy masculine community for these issues to be held and dealt with in a healthy way.

A woman can and does heal this wounding, but most importantly, it takes a healthy masculine community to create another healthy masculine man.

Simple awareness by both men and women is often all it takes to make a difference.

It takes both men and women acknowledging that wounds exist on both sides, and it is time for the games to stop.

True Sexual Potential

By being unaware or unconscious of their true potential, men often allow their sexual life force to wane and eventually die off as they reach middle age when the opposite is what is possible. Reaching middle age can be a time of sexual freedom for a man, as sex now more than ever becomes a choice and not driven by hormones, youth and other primal urges.

Sexual pleasure and satisfaction for men actually gets better with age…..

Men’s shadow behavior that emerges from a place in him of being unaware of his buried emotional hurts will project outwards from him as all those things that will push a woman away. These are simple and unconscious responses to unresolved hurts that nearly all men carry to some extent.

When a man has the courage to share his emotional self, that part of him that he is frightened of showing, will quite often remove relationship blocks and create a deeper level of intimacy and connection. Resolving these hurts or inner child wounds is essential on this pathway to empowerment and self discovery of his sexual power and life force.

The rewards are a deeper heart connected relationship with himself and his partner and the ability to experience pleasure like never before.

What Does a Sexually Empowered Man Look Like ?

Imagine what would it be like if pornography demonstrated the ability of a fully empowered sexual male who actually embodied the empowered sexual masculine from the inside? My guess is that few would accept or understand what true masculine sexual power can look and feel like, as masculine sexual power is not the traditional power “over” another, but actually radiates out from within his masculine essence….. The more connection a man has with himself in his sexual essence, the more his sexual power increases and his pleasure intensifies into full body pleasure.

And, most importantly, the less he actually has to do anything about it. It happens naturally, and his partner feels safe and held even more intensely.

The more pleasure a man can allow himself to feel in this place when he allows himself to be selfish first and feel himself, the more his partner will feel his heart opening. Men quite often focus on their partner and their sexual pleasure to the detriment of their own pleasure.

When a man in this place opens his heart and his pleasure to himself, the more he is available for his woman to feel him. Ask a woman what she desires to feel from her man, and most often she will respond by saying “I want to feel his heart opening to me…”

Healthy Sexual Power

In this space, the ultimate sexual power is feeling your own power and not needing to do anything with it. This allows your partner to not only feel safe but most importantly to feel her surrender fully. The shadow of this healthy masculine sexual power is when it is used to dominate, control, abuse or manipulate.

This can be confusing for both men and women, as this is how power is often depicted in Hollywood productions and especially in porn as what women want, which can have a certain truth about it, but just not in the way it’s portrayed.

A healthy woman desires equality with empowerment in sex and not have you do it all for her.

So, what does this healthy sexual masculine essence look and feel like?

If you’re a man and you enjoy connecting in sex, next time take note of how your energy moves in your body, what it actually feels like to be hot and sexual and where those feelings are. Try this watching porn, or with your partner and notice where you attention is, and if it is on the image (either on the screen or your partner), then you’re probably not feeling in your body.

If your focusing all your attention on your partner, you may be still having fun but missing out on what could be happening for you. It is important for a man to be selfish at this point, to focus on what he is feeling in himself. Trust that the more of yourself you feel, the more your partner will feel of you, and this is what she wants first.

Connect With Your Own Sexual Power and Learn To separate Ejaculation and Orgasm

If you enjoy the visual and enjoy touching, take note of how you feel and where in your body your energy or intense feeling is. If you recognise that your sexual feeling is located in one spot, simply stop, close your eyes and feel into this spot using some deep breath’s.

Imagine how it could be for you if your whole body was feeling as intense and pleasurable as that one spot and if you could maintain this for hours, and this is before ejaculation. Simply focus on that place and breathing deeply will help spread that feeling through out your body.

For a man, ejaculation and orgasm are two separate functions that just happen to occur at the same time.

Separating these two is not about feeling less or stopping something that means a lot to you, but recognizing that you are capable of so much more pleasure. Ejaculation is a different experience to orgasm. Cuming quickly or being very trigger sensitive is frustrating yet easily to turn into a gift. Also, not feeling enough heat sensation to cum but lasting a long time is again different to orgasm, but still pleasurable.

Choosing delaying ejaculation techniques will rapidly increase orgasmic pleasure with all the corresponding benefits, including higher self esteem, sexual satisfaction, satisfaction in life and more life force energy available for life in general. If you have issues in achieving or maintaining an erection then this can also be reversed relatively simply, the same as not being able to cum.

Finding Your True Sexual Self

This is your beginning in feeling your healthy sexual masculine essence, feeling and owning your own sexual energy. Being in your body simply means that regardless of how much “heat” you feel, your pleasure will expand, deepen into limitless full bodied orgasmic bliss. Your heat is in feeling your ejaculation energy, and by holding back on ejaculation (for a little while, at least) which will dramatically increase your pleasure experience.

This is the beginning of learning and understanding separating ejaculation and orgasm and also learning the holy grail of lovemaking for any man in becoming multi orgasmic.

For any man, this potential is what is in front of him, regardless of age but particularly as he gets older and chooses to deal with his unresolved emotional issues.

If your feeling challenge around any of these frustrating sexual issues, it may help to understand they are usually the results of long term ignored and unresolved inner child wounding, and they are not permanent.

It takes courage, commitment, and trust in choosing to deal with these child hood patterns, as well as a therapist who actually knows how to deal with sexuality, masculinity and femininity together.

This journey into pleasure is definitely worth the effort

Sex For Men Over 40

December 9, 2014 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Better Sex for Men (and Women)

Awareness of our capacity for sexual pleasure for both men and women in this age of information, technology and numerous other gadgets and toys, is declining.

Our capacity for pleasure hasn’t changed, yet our awareness of our unique ability to achieve pleasure has significantly declined. I believe this is because of our increasing use and thirst for knowledge has taken us away from our feeling body into our intellectual mind.

Sexual pleasure for men (and women) over 40 can be a totally different experience when both consciously choose to own their real sexual pleasure, especially from an intimate and emotionally heart connected place. There are a lot of different factors in conditioning men (and women) away from real full bodied pleasure .

It doesn’t matter how many sexual partners a person has had, or how much sex is experienced as this unfortunately is how we experience or measure pleasure from our own external experience. The pornography industry has created farcical illusions of what sex looks like, and part of the reason porn has such impact is because real, meaningful heart connected sexuality is diminishing.

From my own personal experience, and in working with couples and particularly men, I am also aware that very few men realise what their sexual capability really is, or in extreme cases, if their capacity for pleasure even exists. Through my work, I firmly believe that most men achieve less than 10% of their capacity to experience their own pleasure during sex.

Understanding is key

Surfing the edge

If a man’s focus on ejaculation is his goal then most likely he experiences only a small percentage of his orgasmic potential. Ejaculation pleasure still does feel pretty damn good but it is a separate experience from orgasm and when a man stops when he “cums” then that is his finish. The actual reality at that point of finishing is also the beginning of his awesome potential in feeling his separate orgasmic pleasure, which he mostly misses out on. Delaying ejaculation, or simply “surfing the edge” is a simple yet powerful beginning of achieving so much more pleasure.

Surfing the edge is a practise of playing near the edge with out ejaculation. In this place, orgasmic energy begins to emerge, and with practise will dramatically increase not only the length of love making but also the pleasure experienced.

This is an attention grabbing concept even for those who are aware of this potential experience of separation. And even for those who are aware, it can often be a struggle to achieve pleasure from separation as it may feel like giving up something familiar. Yet the potential beyond this point is limitless pleasure and a life changing experience that is well worth the effort of exploration.

Multi orgasmic Man

As a man, take a moment and imagine your point of no return, your point of ejaculation as a 10 on your scale of orgasmic pleasure. Then, with 1 being the start and 10 being the finish, imagine how it would be if you could keep going after 10 (without cuming) and feeling your orgasmic self for as long as you chose. Maybe even hundreds of times, without needing to actually ejaculate or desiring to finish? Are you, as a man even aware that this is what you are capable of, of being truly multi orgasmic ? This is what is available for a man when he can choose to not ejaculate and cultivate his orgasmic energy beyond his “10”.

As a man, your real sexual orgasmic pleasure begins at your current “10”.

Converting your ejaculation intensity into orgasmic energy will keep your real orgasmic pleasure happening. This will create for you, a whole new world of pleasure each time you achieve your “10” and each time in this place it deepens, past 10 to 11, 12 or more. Your experience of pleasure increases, becomes easier to achieve and stays with you longer. Each time you go into sexual space, your “10” has moved, your pleasure is deeper yet closer to the surface and becomes more accessible as your normal feeling experience. This experience gets better with age and this pleasure is already happening within you. Simply by allowing yourself to experience your sexual potential with out limiting your pleasure sounds easy, BUT there is a condition attached. And it is not negotiable and we’ll get to that, but before we do, a bit more about men’s conditioning away from pleasure.

Male conditioning

Men are conditioned away from experiencing deeper pleasure right from the beginning of their sexual journey. From when they first become sexually active, boys are conditioned into ejaculation. In the early days of self pleasuring (masturbation) the pressure is on to get it up and over and done with before they get found out- stage (1). The next stage (2) is to get it up and over and done with before their girlfriend changes her mind, then (3) before the kids wake up and finally, (4) before they lose their erection.

Sadly, at no stage, or very rarely, are boys exposed to the real meaning of the sacredness of their sexuality and heart connection and what this means to be a healthy sexual male.

Generally, as a result of this conditioning and lack of awareness of what is possible, men struggle in accepting that there is so much more to their sexual experience.

Men become “addicted” to ejaculation as their pinnacle experience.

Some men only experience ejaculation and very limited orgasmic pleasure, even though there is so much more pleasure to experience and it is already available inside them.

This disconnection conditioning also encourages a man to focus on pleasing his partner in order to be a “good lover”. This is another potential that may take him further away from this place inside of himself and into a place of “performance”. The pornography industry is more manipulation that specifically targets these areas of masculine desire of performing and visually “coming” which even further separates a man from his heart. When watching porn the screen is where a man’s awareness is focused. When watching porn, the focus is on the screen and in this place pleasure is significantly limited . As a man grows older and his habits become deeper and more entrenched as testosterone fades, his normal type of sex has less feeling and becomes more difficult. This is also a part of male menopause, which is another issue for men (and women).

BUT, for a man to experience what is beyond his so called “normal” is simply realizing there is so much more, and that he can choose to experience and discover this for himself. If you’re a guy, ask yourself what it would be like if you could have your orgasm but not the “down” of ejaculation? Ask yourself what it would be like to get to your point of “no return” and instead of ejaculating choose to have your deeply pleasurable orgasm as many times as you desired?

Man’s ultimate challenge

For a man to move away from performance and go into his deeper full bodied pleasure within himself, is about him opening to and connecting with his own loving heart.

For a man to achieve these wonderful things in himself, requires his sexual energy and intensity be totally heart connected and driven. This place of heart connected sexuality in a man creates life force sexual energy that is pure heart, and is an unlimited source.

A man feeling and connecting with his deeply penetrating loving heart is also creating his fuel for sexual intensity and pleasure in lovemaking with his partner. And, if you’re a woman reading this, how does that sound and feel for you? (pretty f…g amazing would be my guess…)

For you as a man in achieving your sexual heart connection, a deeply loving and connected relationship container is ideal. This will enable you to create your fuel for your open heart, which creates more feeling of depth of pleasure. Masculine ejaculation energy is pure heart energy and this is what a woman desires most of all from her man, and this is what men are capable of bringing into relationship. Surfing the edge for longer will keep your ejaculation energy and dramatically increase your heart energy that you bring into your sexual connection. This is about a man being able to experience his heart opening in a way that will enable him in experiencing more loving sexual power centred within himself .

Sexual shame

Most men carry a deep pool of sexual shame, from male conditioning around their identity and their sexuality that interferes with their capability in connecting with and experiencing more pleasure. This shame is also a large part of the reason why most men find it challenging to accept unlimited pleasure can exist beyond separation of ejaculation and orgasm.

Men are conditioned from the beginning of their sexuality, to get it over and done with by ejaculating, resulting in conditioning men into being trigger sensitive, numb or lose interest in sex. This shame will also significantly impact on a man’s emotional availability, as most men will withdraw from relationship as a result of feeling this shame . Ejaculation mostly prevents a man from achieving the best bits in his pleasure, and will also enable him to retreat into his shame pool. There is also some primal conditioning in this as well, about survival and getting your seed planted before something eats you. The point being, men have a lot of conditioning to undo, and it is why most men are addicted to ejaculation and at the same time, unknowingly diminishing their capacity for pleasure. Men have a choice and can choose pleasure, but most simply lack awareness about their true capabilities and sadly remain disconnected from their own pleasure selves. It is a matter of choice, but most importantly, simply being aware that they do have a choice, and that there is more, much more.

As a man, you have a choice and how would it be for you in choosing to finish, because you felt totally complete without ejaculation? Imagine what it would be like for you, if each time you went into this place, that your orgasmic energy became deeper and more full bodied, and that it remained with you for days afterwards, and you remained in that place of heart connection with your partner ?

Imagine if this was your natural orgasmic state of aliveness, presence and potently heart connected? How would you feel? How would your partner feel as you shared this deep heart connection with them? How would this impact on those around you, if this place in you became your normal? This is the state that all men are born with, yet are conditioned out of for a variety of reasons, but mainly through cultural shaming of their sexuality and deep wounds carried from growing up as a boy.

Learning to separate and become full bodied multi orgasmic is not easy, but it is real and does involve having a good time that is all about more pleasure and true sexual fulfillment. And if you’re learning this with your partner, then it is a relationship game changer.

Numbness and Prostrate

Men who experience numbness or have issues achieving or maintaining an erection will also benefit from these techniques, but just require different practises. Men who have had prostate surgery will especially benefit from these tantric techniques. In those cases, it is important to realise that a man can still feel orgasmic with out an erection.

How to get started

A simple process to try during lovemaking, or self pleasuring, is when you start to get close to your point of no return, is to simply stop and take 3 – 4 deep breaths. As you’re breathing deeply, focus on what you’re feeling inside of you, in your genitals. You will notice that your intensity of pleasure has relaxed and moved away from your genitals. This will spread pleasure through your body. Then simply start again and keep repeating, the more you surf the edge, the more full bodied your pleasure. The first step is being aware of what you’re feeling inside of you. This will make a difference simply because you’re feeling in yourself and you’re choosing to feel more pleasure. As you increase your awareness of how your sexual energy moves so will your awareness in the difference between ejaculation and orgasm. Focusing on the difference and choosing to bring the ejaculation intensity forward then stopping and breathing will expand that intensity further into orgasmic pleasure. And, practice practice practice… This is the main difference between the expansion techniques of Tantra and the control techniques of Taoist .

A holistic journey

Also, a preparedness for emotional work, to really connect with and release shame, heal deep seated wounds, be intensely vulnerable and really opening your heart are beginning places. Connecting heart and sexuality is a beginning step, and this one particularly challenges most men to their core, yet is what a woman desires most to feel from her man. From this beginning place, becoming multi orgasmic is a complimentary and continuing journey. Let her know what you are doing and invite her to breathe too!

From my personal experience, (and yes, this place exists) and in my opinion, once a man starts down this pathway not only is there no turning back, but it becomes a limitless, timeless and never ending journey. This place in man, when actively introduced into himself and his relationship will create a depth of heart opening sexual loving that will keep growing and deepening. And it definitely gets better with age as it is an internal journey rather than purely physical technical journey.

A man can journey as far and as deep as he has the courage to go into himself connecting his heart and sexuality, his power and this grows stronger and deeper with age………This is the place in a man that woman craves for, to feel safe, protected, nurtured and met.
Better Sex for Men, definitely, a game changer

Both will never be the same again.

Call us TOLL FREE 1800 TANTRA (826 872), email link

To Cum or not to Cum…?

September 17, 2014 By Graeme Sudholz Leave a Comment

Are you aware that not only do you have a choice to cum or not, but by simply choosing to delay cuming (ejaculation) you will significantly intensify your orgasmic pleasure?

This is not about changing how you have sex, but about getting much more pleasure out of your current experiences.

Because, orgasmic pleasure and ejaculation pleasure are two very different pleasure experiences.

And because ejaculation and orgasm mostly happen together, most men accept that they are the same experience.

They are very different pleasure experiences.

And when you’re cuming too quickly, or with the intention to “get it over and Lasting Longer - To cum or not to cum’ done with” you greatly reduce your levels of experienced orgasmic pleasure.

Long term porn users really get sucked into this one which even further reduces their sexual pleasure.

Porn plays men right into this addiction to ejaculate, which is an addiction that most men experience at some time in their life to varying degrees.

Ejaculation and orgasm are two very different and separate experiences and functions.

It is not unusual for men to feel mostly their ejaculation pleasure because if “cuming” arrives too quickly or is forced they experience very little of their true orgasmic potential.

By delaying ejaculation you will greatly enhance their potential for true orgasmic intensity.

On the other side of this equation, if a man experiences sexual numbness (where he can be hard for a long time and not feel that much) he also misses out as it requires ejaculation intensity to heat up his orgasmic pleasure.

This is also true for a man who has trouble getting or maintaining an erection.

Ejaculation energy or intensity is their fire that greatly enhances not only orgasmic energy and intensity for pleasure but creates and sustains their erections as well.

Surfing the edge

Choosing to delay ejaculation shifts your orgasmic energy from simply ejaculation into intense orgasmic pleasure.

Dancing close to the edge or “surfing the edge” is the name of this game and then choosing not to ejaculate.

Takes practice as well.

If you can already make love for a long time and are wondering where you’re at, checking is easy.

At any time during sexual pleasure make a choice to cum and if it takes longer than 10 seconds then you’re “dancing“ too far from your edge and not fully experiencing your orgasmic “heat”.

Meeting and Harnessing the Power of Tantric Sex

Consciously choosing to “surf the edge” creates heat and orgasmic pleasure and the skill is in harnessing your ejaculation energy, not closing it down, instead increasing its intensity and directing that energy into full bodied orgasm.

The skill in this place is owning your ejaculation as pure heart energy.

As by increasing your orgasmic intensity you will also increase your open hearted connection in you, and with your partner. (ask her how she feels about this…)

In this place of harnessing your ejaculation energy and choosing not to ejaculate will dramatically increase your sexual pleasure and life force energy from a heart connected place.

This is also the beginning of becoming multi orgasmic because when you choose not to ejaculate, your orgasmic experience goes through the roof.

And not just the usual small blips but 100’s of full bodied deeply intense orgasm’s that can last for as long as you can stay open hearted and connected in your body.

In this heart connected place you are not losing energy (as is often quoted by many theorists about coming) but accessing by creating more .

In this place, it is your personal choice of if you complete with ejaculation or not, and if you don’t, there is a deep feeling of completeness and aliveness that is beyond words.

If you do choose to ejaculate, the experience is totally different to “normal” ejaculation and can be as is if you are connecting with your source or soul.

In my personal opinion, learning tantric sex is about creating, harnessing and recirculating your life force energy.

With this practise, there is no right or wrong in how often you may ejaculate or if you need to at all.

It is a personal choice and your body will tell you what is right for you, regardless of your age.

Tantric Sex For Men – taking it to the heart

August 12, 2014 By Graeme Sudholz Leave a Comment

Tantric Sex for Men

Tantric sex is a tool for bringing the life, pleasure and meaning into the bedroom for men, here we tell you why and how to get started. In our modern world of information, technology and numerous other gadgets and toys, it has slipped past most of us that our awareness of our potential capacity for sexual pleasure is declining. Men (and women) are being slowly conditioned away from their real sexual pleasure. There are a lot of different factors in causing this, but I believe the single and most significant factor is that men (and women) simply have lost awareness of just how much pleasure they are capable of, both sexually and emotionally. Sexual capability simply means our individual capacity to feel full body pleasure. It doesn’t matter how many sexual partners a person has, or how much sex is experienced as this unfortunately is how we experience or measure pleasure from that place of limitation. The pornography industry has created farcical illusions of what sex looks like, and part of the reason porn has such impact is because real, meaningful sexuality is diminishing, particularly with younger people. From my experience in working with couples and particularly men, I am aware that very few men realise what their sexual capability really is, or in extreme cases, if their capacity for pleasure even exists. Through my work, I firmly believe that most men achieve less than 10% of their capacity to experience their own pleasure during sex.

Understanding is key

Something as simple as separating ejaculation from orgasm for men is real, yet most men don’t realize this is possible for them. Just because both usually happen at the same time (ejaculation being the release and orgasm the pleasurable peak ) men just aren’t aware that they’re separate functions. Most men believe that their experience of ejaculation is their actual orgasmic pleasure. If a man’s focus on ejaculation is his goal then most likely he rarely experiences his orgasm and if he does, it is only at a very small percentage of his true capacity. Ejaculation still does feel pretty damn good and it is a separate experience from orgasm. When a man stops when he “cums” then that is his finish. The actual reality at that point is this is his beginning of feeling his separate orgasmic pleasure. This is an attention grabbing concept even for those who are aware of this potential experience of separation. And even for those who are aware, it can often be a struggle to achieve pleasure from separation as it may feel like giving up something familiar. Yet the potential beyond this point is limitless pleasure and a life changing experience that is well worth the effort of exploration. As a man, take a moment and imagine your point of no return, your point of ejaculation as a 10 on your scale of orgasmic pleasure. Then, with 1 being the start and 10 being the finish. Imagine how it would be if you could keep feeling your orgasmic self for as long as you chose. Maybe even hundreds of times, without needing to actually ejaculate or desiring to finish? Are you, as a man even aware that this is what you are capable of, of being truly multi orgasmic ?

As a man, your real sexual pleasure begins at your current “10”. Converting your ejaculation intensity into orgasmic energy will keep your orgasm happening. This will create for you, a whole new world of pleasure each time you achieve your “10” and each time in this place it deepens, past 10 to 11, 12 or more. Your experience of pleasure increases, becomes easier to achieve and stays with you longer. Each time you go into sexual space, your “10” has moved, your pleasure is deeper yet closer to the surface and becomes more accessible as your normal feeling experience. This experience gets better with age and this pleasure is already happening within you. Simply by allowing yourself to experience your sexual potential with out limiting your pleasure sounds easy, BUT there is a condition attached. And it is not negotiable and we’ll get to that, but before we do, a bit more about men’s conditioning away from pleasure.

Male conditioning

Generally, as a result of this conditioning and lack of awareness of what is possible, men struggle in accepting that there is so much more to their sexual experience. Men become “addicted” to ejaculation as their pinnacle experience. Some men only experience ejaculation and very limited orgasmic pleasure. Even though there is so much more pleasure to experience and it is already available inside them. This disconnection conditioning also encourages a man to focus on pleasing his partner in order to be a “good lover”. This is another potential that may take him further away from this place inside of himself and into a place of “performance”. The pornography industry is more manipulation that specifically targets these areas of masculine desire of performing and visually “coming” which even further separates a man from his heart. When watching porn the screen is where a man’s awareness is focused. When watching porn, the focus is on the screen and in this place pleasure is significantly limited . As a man grows older and his habits become deeper and more entrenched as testosterone fades, his normal type of sex has less feeling and becomes more difficult. This is also a part of male menopause, which is another issue for men (and women).

Man’s ultimate challenge

For a man to move away from performance and go into his deeper full bodied pleasure within himself, is about him opening to and connecting with his own loving heart. For a man to achieve these wonderful things in himself, requires his sexual energy and intensity be totally heart connected and driven. It is a limited and energy draining experience for a man if his heart and sexuality are disconnected. A man feeling his deeply penetrating loving heart is the fuel for sexual intensity of pleasure in lovemaking with his partner. And, if you’re a woman reading this, how does that feel for you? (pretty f…g amazing would be my guess…)

For you as a man in achieving your sexual heart connection, a deeply loving relationship container is ideal. This creates your fuel for your open heart, which creates more feeling depth of pleasure. This is what a woman desires most of all from her man, and this is what men are capable of bringing into relationship. This is not about giving your heart away but experiencing your power within yourself as your purveyor of pleasure.

Sexual shame

Most men carry a deep pool of sexual shame, from male conditioning around their identity and their sexuality that interferes with their capability in experiencing more pleasure. This shame is part of the reason why most men find it challenging to accept unlimited pleasure can exist beyond separation of ejaculation and orgasm. Men are conditioned from the beginning of their sexuality, to get it over and done with by ejaculating, resulting in conditioning men into being trigger sensitive, numb or lose interest in sex. Ejaculation mostly prevents a man from the best bits. There is also some primal conditioning in this as well, about survival and getting your seed planted before something eats you. The point being, men have a lot of conditioning to undo, and it is why most men are addicted to ejaculation and unknowingly diminishing their capacity for pleasure. Men have a choice and can choose pleasure, but most simply lack awareness about their true capabilities and sadly remain disconnected from their own pleasure selves. It is a matter of choice, but most importantly, simply being aware that they do have a choice, and that there is more, much more.

Imagine if you had a choice, how would it be for you in choosing to finish, because you felt totally complete without ejaculation? Imagine what it would be like for you, if each time you went into this place, that your orgasmic energy became deeper and more full bodied, and that it remained with you for days afterwards?

Learning to separate and become full bodied multi orgasmic is not easy, but it is real and does involve having a good time that is all about more pleasure and true sexual fulfillment. And if you’re learning this with your partner, then it is a relationship game changer.

How to get started

A simple process to try during lovemaking, or self pleasuring, is when you start to get close to your point of no return, is to simply stop and take 3 – 4 deep breaths. As you’re breathing deeply, focus on what you’re feeling inside of you, in your genitals. You will notice that your intensity of pleasure has relaxed and moved away from your genitals. This will spread pleasure through your body. Then simply start again and keep repeating, the more you do so the more full bodied your pleasure. The first step is being aware of what you’re feeling inside of you. This will make a difference simply because you’re feeling in yourself and you’re choosing to feel more pleasure. As you increase your awareness of how your sexual energy moves so will your awareness in the difference between ejaculation and orgasm. Focusing on the difference and choosing to bring the ejaculation intensity forward then stopping and breathing will expand that intensity further into orgasmic pleasure. And, practice practice practice… This is the main difference between the expansion techniques of Tantra and the control techniques of Taoist .

A holistic journey

Definitely, a game changer

Both will never be the same again.

Sacred Intimate Relationship: 7 Signs You’re There

April 10, 2014 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Sacred meaning: connected with God or a higher purpose, deserving of respect.

We mostly start off in intimate relationship believing that what we have discovered is something so unique and special. How do we keep this wonder alive over the years? By understanding the potential of believing that intimate relationship is a sacred act. For the one that we choose to be in intimate relationship is not because we must through birth or other obligation, they are the ones we actively choose to make a major part of our lives. So it makes sense that we honour both the person and that choice consciously and respectfully.

Grace is divine

7 signs that you are doing so are:

1. You see there are 3 different aspects to your relationship- there is you, your partner and the relationship itself. All of these three have their own separate structures and individual needs, the highest of which is seen to be the relationship. When there is conflict it is the needs of the relationship that become paramount. This is not to say that the relationship should be used to limit the individual from a place of fear or control, rather the reverse. It can be a barometer because what is truly valuable for the individual can be measured by its impact on the relationship.

2. You are seeking relationship with the person they actually are being right now, rather than the one you first met, the one you assume they are from your past experiences of them or the one you think they should be to meet your needs. It is very easy to see the other through the mask of our perceptions, especially when in the busyness of everyday life we get

From boy to man

lazy about looking. We are constantly changing complex beings and to assume we know where a person is coming from is at best impractical, at worst shaming.

3. You see constantly assessing how you are being and where you are coming from in your words and actions, and how they are being received and adjusting them as you see fit as an act of love rather than a neurosis. You use the wisdom of your observing mind, body and feelings as well as the power of your intellect to do so.

4. You’re able to tolerate the uncertainty of the other being different to you, having different interests, desires, needs and beliefs. Although it is crucial to have shared common values in intimate relationship- values that will proved the glue when all else is being challenged, your differences are seen to add flavour rather than cause fracture.

5. You value your relationship more than protecting your Ego. You’re willing to allow yourself to be seen in your truth, vulnerability and imperfections. To let down your own mask and honour the other by being real, which is what creates true intimacy. And you’re willing to own who you are, the choices you make and take responsibility for your actions. Especially when these have a negative impact on the relationship, as you value the relationship more than being right.

6. You respect your sexuality as a powerful pathway of creating love, connection, nurturing and pleasure rather than using it as a tool for physical or emotional release. You take the time to sort issues out separately from lovemaking, instead coming to make love from a place of open hearted connection with yourself that you then share with the other. This creates a sacredness, ease and connection that flows into the rest of your relationship and reinforces the desire to seek love rather than self.

Happiness in relationship

7. You see the relationship as a place to grow yourself. You cultivate courage and taking risks. Risks in trusting yourself, the other, the relationship and love itself by trusting your heart. For our hearts are not flimsy things that need protection they are stronger and have more to offer than we can ever have thought possible. So you do not try to limit the other but see where their needs or desires challenge your own limitations. In our experience our intimate partners primal needs challenge us to grow in the areas where we are most resistant to go into, just as our challenge theirs. That is where the deepest growth comes.

Tantra: Whats in it for me as a man….?

April 10, 2014 By Graeme Sudholz Leave a Comment

End your frustration

Most men ask this question and how I choose to answer is from my perspective as a man and a Tantra practitioner.

Firstly, my belief is tantra was created for men to meet, match and soar with the awesome feminine sexual intensity. Unfortunately, very few men (and women) experience tantra in its full power, yet it is so worth the journey.

Tantra for men is an awesome experience that is not just in the bedroom, it is not just about sex but about nearly every aspect of life. Tantra is about experiencing what IS, to its fullest extent, whether it is making love or walking along a beach, kicking a goal or clinching that important contract. It is about being fully alive from top to bottom and feeling in as many moments of life as possible.

This may sound easy, simple and straight forward, but the reality for most of us is that it is a lot more challenging.

Yet imagine how you would be living your life where feeling your open heart and being grounded in the power of your balls is the norm and not a occasional experience?

Imagine making love with your partner from a place in you where your heart is so open and

Reunite sex with heart

vulnerable that she just surrenders like she never has before? Where you are capable of endless pleasure?

How would that feel living and loving from this place?

If you want a second opinion on this, try asking your partner how she would feel about you if this was your normal?

The most important aspect of yourself as a man that you can bring into your relationship, is your open heart that is connected to your balls. In a committed relationship, man brings his open heart and woman brings her sexuality. (If you doubt this, ask what happens if she says “no” ……). For a man to be truly connected with his heart, he also needs to feel his masculine self, or his warrior self aka his balls. So doing Tantra does not mean losing your masculinity and trying to become something else, something foreign, it is becoming more fully who you already are.

Bring out your intimate warrior to get the most out of tantra

The conscious warrior aspect of man is pure heart, and man needs to feel his warrior strongly, yes, even in this day and age, probably more than ever. For in relationship the warrior holds a man safe as he connects his heart and sexuality, it allows him to feel safe to fully feel. Bringing himself out of shame and shadow into the light of heart connected sex. This is a truly magical experience for a man to feel and, I believe, is connecting him to his true spiritual self.

This is Tantra and what it means to me.

So if you are a man and your lover is nagging you about looking into Tantra acknowledge your fears, of having to give up what you’ve had, fears of having to become “soft”, or feeling shame about not being good enough. See it instead as a boys own adventure into something new and exciting where fortune favours the brave, blazing a trail you can make your own and where you as the hero gets the gold!

Sexual Healing – Annette’s Journey of healing sexual shame

March 12, 2014 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Annette’s journey of sexual healing

My journey of sexual healing shame has been a powerful, at times painful, yet always rewarding one, for which I have much gratitude. As I’ve healed my shame I’ve identified the associated limiting beliefs about myself that were holding me back in being open and loving towards myself and others. It’s also given me greater self knowledge to create more of what I want in my life, rather than what I don’t. It’s allowed me to access greater sexual pleasure and heights of ecstasy that I hadn’t even dreamed of, which I really enjoy sharing with my loving partner Graeme. Working with sexual energy has also given me access to a personal pathway to spirituality which I use in meditation, making love and for simple but profound moments of connecting to spirit in every day life.

My early self beliefs

When I was growing up, like a large proportion of the community, I was sexually abused. I was an older child at the time, and the abuse was imposed by two people I knew. They were minor encounters but the effect of them was life changing, the energy of sexual shame is so powerful. I created three beliefs in response to these two events. One that I was “bad” in a way that I couldn’t understand but felt to my core. Secondly, that I was powerless to speak up and no one could help me, which caused me to become even more reluctant to express myself than the shy child I already was. Thirdly, that “I should have known better,” so beginning a life of readily taking on guilt, and over responsibility for everything in my life.

Beginnings of change

In my forties I developed an interest in personal growth, wanting to make some changes in the many areas of my life that weren’t working for me. Surprisingly to me at the time, part of this growth turned out to be sharing my experiences of abuse with a supportive group of people and healing, through conscious witnessing, the feelings attached to them. This process helped me to identify the beliefs I had formed as a result of these experiences and how to recognise where they were still operating, unhelpfully, in my life. This was the beginning of reclaiming what I had lost in myself. I had no idea it would lead me to sexual healing!

Learning about sexuality

The next step was deciding to consciously embrace myself as a sexual being and explore what that meant for me. This included things as simple as allowing myself to feel any sexual feelings that came along and enjoy them for what they were, rather than shutting them down, or taking on shame messages about myself for having them. And wearing some flowing skirts, feeling soft, feminine and sensual (and somehow vulnerable at first). I even occasionally went without knickers to enhance the effect and let go of the “stories” that came into my mind about how bad I was! Another thing I did was to dance for myself, making sensual, then sexual movements with my pelvis, freeing up this area of my body that had become locked up into stiffness and pain, feeling and releasing the shame as I went.

Relationship challenge

Then I took a more complex step of choosing to get into relationship with a new man in my life, when after the ending of a 20yr marriage 18 months prior, I felt more like withdrawing, staying single and safe. Graeme was, and is, someone who really enjoys the sexual side of life and this was a real challenge for me. As my journey entwined with his I was given the opportunity to act out my sexual feelings in the heady excitement a new relationship brings. I was being encouraged to not only have sex, but give myself permission to enjoy it to the max as never before. I’m happy to say I did!

Oh no!

Some months down the track I began to develop a reoccurrence of pain in my yoni (vagina) during sex, which I had experienced during the later stages of my marriage. This was not what I wanted at this time, let me tell you! But try as I/we might, there it was. It turned sex from bliss to a highly emotionally charged and painful event, very difficult for both of us. Avoiding it didn’t help. Nor did any medical investigations, psychology sessions, creams, medications to numb the pain, relaxation techniques, lubricants or other treatments ad infinitum. One Dr even suggested cutting the lining of my yoni and stretching it to cover up the painful bits- I retreated in horror. There had to be another way.

Tantra and sexual healing

Discovering tantra and sexual healing taught me that the way forward in this situation was to have the courage to go through it, not avoid it. That my pain was there to challenge me to fully embrace my sexual (and ultimately spiritual) self. So with the loving support of my beloved Graeme (who has his own journey in this as you can imagine) I have discovered a way through. By continuing to open to my sexual energy, through tantric lovemaking and sexual healing practices, telling myself it is ok to feel sexual pleasure, consciously witnessing the feelings as they come up to be healed, and by discovering and removing any layers of resistance my pain has slowly resolved. As those of you who have been on a conscious healing path will know, many opportunities will come up when you are seeking to heal, and I learned to trust myself to take up any which seemed like they would provide a pathway to remove any pockets of shame or pain- even if the “how” didn’t always become clear until I was actually into it. Through loving, respectful, honouring and sacred practices I have learned to allow myself to feel as much pleasure as it is possible for me to feel, as I have a right to feel. I am slowly learning to love and trust myself and others, as a sexual being, then as a human being, and finally as a spiritual being, able to truly open myself to love.

This is the abridged version of my journey here and the journey continues.

For any of you who may be considering sexual healing any for your sexual shame, which I believe we all carry at some level, then take heart and dive in. Your journey will be different to mine, but I assure you, if you persist you will find that it is worth it.