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Reclaiming Your Feminine Power- For Men too!

July 28, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Fleeing flat, stressed, tired or merely uninspired?

You may be lacking in your feminine power…

Here we show you why and how it can work for you… Feminine Power in Tantra is freedom

Please note, this article on feminine power is not just for women, men who are also wanting to lift their burdens of stress, disillusion, lack of inspiration and level of fun and fulfilment in your lives read on…it’s not about being more feminine, just more whole…

In my recent Power of Yoni workshop, I was once again blown away by how truly amazing women, and their bodies can be. In this 4 ½ day weekend we spend a lot of time reconnecting with our bodies, our feelings, our self-awareness, our sensual and sexual selves and the innate power of who we are as women and the results are stunning! There is a radiant beauty about feminine power- a woman loving, trusting and connecting with herself and her body that cannot be recreated by any amount of makeup or photoshopping. The women themselves were also surprised by just who they are when they give themselves permission, to step out of their fears, limitations and their social conditioning.

No longer a place?

So often in today’s world it can seem like there is no place for the traditional values of the feminine but I can affirm they are as attractive as ever. And our sexuality is such a vital part of woman. Not merely through the act of sex but in her aliveness, her creativity, spontaneity, beauty and even her wildness. A woman owning her sexual self reeks juiciness and power in her own unique way- whether this is soft and loving, exuberant and fun, open and giving, wanton and abandoned or intuitive and wise. These are all part of the feminine gifts. Breathe

What does your own conditioning bring to mind when you think of feminine qualities? We’re definitely not talking about the good little woman at home here, aka The Stepford Wife, with no power, voice or substance of her own but someone quite different. The feminine in its essence is not afraid to speak straight, be seen and heard. She doesn’t allow fears of being abandoned or alone to prevent her from speaking up for herself and others as she knows she will always be in connection with herself and be able to renew connection with others. She doesn’t resort to playing games of covertness and manipulation because she is not afraid to be seen and to manifest what she needs. She gives of herself but not at the expense of herself. She is compassionate and loves nurturing others, giving the same to herself.

Now is the time…

suicide thinking There has never been a time when the gifts of the feminine are more needed. Western women are currently experiencing adrenal fatigue and emotional burnout in record numbers. As we rush constantly forward into more, bigger, better, harder and more competitive, even war like it can be easy to lose touch with our softness, openness, trust, vulnerability, radiant beauty and joyful sexual magnetism. We can even begin to regard these qualities as weak, or less than the external power of the intellect, achievement and outward success.

Power Within

We try to gain our power from our woundedness, resulting in a never ending war with men, treating them and therefore ourselves with disrespect and disdain leaving us wondering where all the good men have gone. When we claim the strength and beauty of our hearts instead of overly protecting them the good men will show up! Perhaps not in the Hollywood perfection our ego’s might desire but in a realness and loving that will be more than you can dream of. Empowering Sexuality

This may sound pretty full on but I can assure you, there is little more powerful than a room full of women discovering these very parts of themselves. It’s a power that would have many externally driven folk running for cover. This power isn’t about power over anyone else, it is power within ourselves. We find this power by connecting with our inner selves. Not in some mystical woo woo way but in a concrete, step by step process. It’s a process more and more women are recognizing is necessary for them to survive and thrive in our busy, controlling, achieving worlds.

This power is not about the pushing yourself to go further, be better, try harder ethos we are burning ourselves out through, but a gentler, wiser process of awareness, nurture and awakening. Where we stop making ourselves wrong- women don’t need anyone else to make us wrong we’re so good at it ourselves!

Coming home to ourselves is finding our power

When we take the time to connect with ourselves it is like coming home to who we really are- a body, heart, soul and spirit as well as an intellectual mind. We come away feeling relaxed, nurtured, more open and authentic, even playful, not to mention Experience healing through Grace sensual and magnetic, more easily attracting our desires to us rather than having to strive for them. We find our inner magic, our spirituality that lives directly in our bodies, as surprising as this may sound. We also find ourselves more confident, assertive, dynamic, creative, sexy and spontaneous. And guys, which ones amongst you would not like to find more of this in your lives, for these qualities live inside you as well? Not just in a woman but also in your hard working, over taxed and straight jacketed selves?

So how do we connect with ourselves and our bodies and find these gifts?
So we’ll have more of ourselves to share with the world…

Practice acknowledging your perfect imperfection. Say to yourself daily “I am whole, desiring and desirable.” Even if you feel fat, ugly, powerless and worthless do it anyway. See your resistance come up and just let it go, don’t be willing to play into its game any longer. Just be ok with who you are. Doing this daily for 6 weeks has been shown to increase our overall self-esteem. The more you believe this the more you will readily seek to change the areas in you that are not working the way you would like them to. From a desire to discover more of you rather than a need to fix yourself.
Take some time for yourself to connect, to be IN your body as we need to balance the amount of time we spend in our intellect and come back to it renewed. Yes, I know this is not easy but just 10-20 minutes a day will make a difference. Time to say YES to yourself without needing to be there for others. In your 10-20 mins sit somewhere comfortably (preferably in your special place if you can create one, even if it’s just draping a special fabric over your chair, cushion or yourself). Stop, breathe deeply, exhaling out through your mouth and simply noticing your thoughts and letting them go. Not trying to avoid thinking, as this is the way to madness, just noticing them and letting them go. Becoming aware of your body and then what you’re feeling within it. Just allowing whatever you find to be there. If you find discomfort, make this ok and see if it changes with acceptance. Accepting our feelings is paramount to accepting ourselves.
Listen to your body’s messages. Notice when you are feeling hungry, thirsty, tired, sore etc and DO something about it. We are so good at pushing ourselves sometimes we’ll even put off going for a pee for hours! Our bodies are smart, they know what they need it’s up to us to listen, for the more we listen to them the more our bodies will give back to us in wellness and ease. This is especially true in taking breaks. Take a break not only when your boss says you can or the clock strikes 10am, take one whenever your body tells you to. Even just going for a walk around the office or the street, standing up and doing some stretches. If you’re at home put on some music and have a dance or put your barefeet on the grass. Our creativity stops if we push ourselves past our limits: the best thing you can do is take a short break and let your motivation and creativity flow again. Even workplaces like Google encourage this.
Connect to your heart. Literally take your awareness to your heart and notice what it is feeling. Breathe life into it. Again accept and allow what you find. Let its love radiate literally inside you, filling yourself up rather than forcing yourself to always give it out to others. Ask your heart a question, something about yourself or life you would like to know and listen quietly for the answer. Our hearts are infinitely wise and just waiting for us to listen.
Give yourself more rest. Women are cyclical beings and like the moon and the seasons we have periods of productivity eg. spring/summer and full moons. We also have periods of regenerative rest like winter and the dark moon. Just because we now have artificial light doesn’t mean we have to be “on” all the time.
In your moments of giving to, or doing for others be fully present and mindful, fully enjoy the experience of giving from your heart, for if it’s not from your heart it’s not worth doing. Feel the joy of your devotion so you receive whilst you are giving, a complete surrender that makes the hardest task seem like a gift. Then you’ll come back to yourself renewed rather than drained. You’ll also sense when it is enough, for both yourself and them.
Practice setting your boundaries. To conserve your energy and nurture yourself sometimes you might need to say NO here and there, especially if saying no is hard for you. How can you give energy that you don’t have, or that is blocked from resentment? Sometimes we need to say no before we can say a full YES! It is not selfish but being centred in yourself.
Nurture your sensual and sexual energies as these are drivers of your enthusiasm and spontaneity in life. Take a moment to check out these sensual suggestions from our recent blog on “Women Aren’t Losing Interest”. Play with with your pelvic floor muscles, these muscles are drivers of your sexual life force energy. Sit with a rolled up towel between your legs (or you can sit with your heel tucked in there) and practice squeezing and releasing these muscles you use to pee with. Make sure you fully relax them between each squeeze. Inhale as you squeeze, exhale as you release. Imagine you’re squeezing and releasing a big pool of energy that lives in your pelvis.
Become aware of your hips as you walk. Exaggerate the swing from hip to hip. Feel your hips and legs connecting to the ground underneath you as you walk. Breathe. Exaggerate the swing a little more, really get into this part of your body, own your sexual self and it will pay you back in spades. Do it for yourself not anyone else. The more you own your sexual self the more power you will have in feeling its pleasure and attracting the attention you want rather than the attention you don’t.
Don’t get lost in playing the game of goal or orgasm directed sex. There is so much more to enjoy, and so many other feelings and things to experience that one “O”. Not that orgasms are bad (heaven forbid!), it’s just that if they are your only sexual focus you will miss out on so many other experiences that begin more subtly but become equally powerful! Invite your man there with you.

If you would like to experience more of this part of you come along and join me at m next Power of Yoni event Nov 2-6 where we pull all of this together and much more…

Talking About Sex: Making It Easier

May 4, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

We’re all unique when it comes to sex.

That’s why talking about sex is so important.

Here we help you explore what it is that you want actually want from sex and how to go about talking about it- outside of sex, during sex, when things aren’t working in sex, after sex, even around the children!

So let’s talk about sex, baby!

Even in this supposedly sexually open era few couples actually feel comfortable in talking with each other about what’s happening in their bedrooms, it’s still a very sticky subject. Sex for purely for pleasure and intimacy purposes is a pretty recent invention and it makes sense that we’re still learning how to talk about it. In our culture, sex is used in marketing everything from alcohol to tractors, so it is not difficult to imagine the confusion that people feel in not being able to discuss it openly and honestly with their lovers. So if this is you, you’re not alone. Difficulty in talking about it is totally understandable due to the socially conditioned shame we all carry about sex, which is either supported or undermined by the underlying dynamics of your own personal history and level of relationship intimacy.

But if you want a better sex life then finding a way to get through this fear and talking about it is essential.

Here are some tips to help THAT conversation:

Going about it the right way can mean simply having a conversation about sex can be a fulfilling sexual experience.

Starting with discussing this post and exploring the bigger picture may help.

Know that Yes, it may be uncomfortable, embarrassing, icky and scary but have no expectations, take some deep breaths and gently jump in.

Have no doubt your partner will be just as scared and embarrassed as you.
Pick a time and place with some space and privacy and especially not during sex.
Be willing to share first and take a level of risk that feels doable for you.
Simply owning your fear and embarrassment, admitting this is important for you and you feel unsure how to start IS a good start.

Do you see sex as one or more of these:

A source of love and connection, an unconditional giving and receiving?
A chance to de stress and relieve tension?
An inner exploration where learn something new about yourself?
A seeking of excitement and pleasure, of being on your edge?
A source of fantasy fulfilment where you act out your fantasies?
A fulfilment of your spiritual hunger to merge and be at one with all things, the end of separation, accessing other dimensions?
Self affirmation through giving your partner pleasure?
Maintenance sex, where you like to enjoy the things you’ve found that work, keeping it easy without lots of effort?
A healing of unmet intimacy needs, sexual shame or conditioning?
A way to enhance your physical and emotional wellbeing through energy generation?

Discuss what you mean by your answers and try to be as specific as you can, as this helps your partner to understand where you’re coming from.

Try not to force any outcomes just make it an exploration of where you’re both at, with the mindset that taking a step back to see more clearly may take you forward in a way beyond your wildest imagination.
Don’t be afraid to admit your own fears and short comings in sex, your partner will have their own and sharing them in a nonjudgmental setting can help

Getting specific about your sex together:

Discuss a little bit at a time if this is easier, you don’t have to make it a whole big conversation if this is too much.
Keep it as light as possible. There may be moments of challenge but you can also enjoy it.
Begin with compliments. Never underestimate the power of appreciation in this vulnerable place.
Have an intention to simply explore and understand. Rather than having an agenda of trying to get your partner to better meet your needs by telling them what they’re doing WRONG! (It’s amazing how many people think this approach will work…have been guilty of it ourselves in the past) Your partner will feel your agenda and your judgement, they’ll start out defensive and it will go downhill from here! The outcome of a gentler and more positive approach is totally the opposite, it’s likely to be your partner wanting to serve you better with more understanding and ease between you. We cannot overstate the importance of this approach.
It’s not easy but don’t take their comments personally, their comments show more about them than you.
Be curious about your lover’s experience rather than judgmental.
Discuss a little bit at a time if this is easier.
If you don’t know what it is that you want for yourself, try some self pleasuring and explore yourself to find out.
Get clear on what are your/your partner’s signals for wanting sex, and also get clear on what is NOT a signal. Talk about it.
Discuss what you would like more of/less of.
If you have any concerns, sandwich them between a layer of positives and offer a replacement suggestion so your lover has somewhere to go with it.
Share what are your ‘quickie turn ons”, what fills up your sexy tank if you’re starting out a bit flat? We each have them, they will be unique to us, find ones you can share.
Are there any times when your body is simply not available? Sharing these upfront reduces rejection.
What is your end game- how do you each like to finish? What works for each of you, can you combine them?

Ask questions of each other, be curious, explore possibilities.

Speak more of what you DO want than about what you don’t want.
Express desires but make no demands here as demands have only one of two responses- resistance or submission and submission creates resentment (unless you’re really into this!)
Most likely you will have a range of desires between you, go for a win/win situation.
Approach it from the place of being on the same team with both working towards a solution.

Sex = Children = No Sex

It’s funny how the gift of children that come from the act of sex seem to be the reason many people stop having sex after they arrive!

This is partly due to the place we keep sex in our minds- that it is private, embarrassing, naughty, dirty, or just noisy. And that kids shouldn’t know we’re doing it. It’s important to normalize sex, to make it part of family life, rather than keep it separate. It’s also vital that you’re relationship intimacy is not seen as less important than caring for your children’s needs. There is no reason why kids can’t be in the house whilst you’re making love (unless you’re wanting to get really wild and noisy, or otherwise complicated!). Open hearted pleasure that leaves you feeling great will nurture and uplift those around you as well. Talk about ‘parent time’ for loving each other or having cuddles. Set young children up with an activity to keep them occupied and if they happen to interrupt just tend to their need and come back, rather than give up or let your child get into bed with you. If you’re children are old enough to be up without supervision let them know you’re going to bed early to have some ‘connection time’ (no details needed). If you clearly hold sex in a place of importance and sacredness in yourself, your kids will do the same, even if they might smirk behind their hands whilst saying ‘Yuk’ they will ultimately highly value the positive role modelling you offer.

Talking about sex during sex:

It doesn’t have to be dirty talk (though this can add occasional spice!) but letting your partner know you’re loving what’s happening for you is a great way to build the intensity and deepen your connection, especially when done with eye connection. We all love being affirmed and this is a powerful place to be affirmed in. It can be as simple as “I’m loving that thing you’re doing with your tongue right now, it feels DELICIOUS! Oohs and Aahs are a good start but being specific (when you can engage your thoughts) incites even more energy into what is happening. Saying “I love you” with eye connection is very powerful.

Talking about what’s not working during sex:

When you’re actually in the moment keep your communication simple and direct.
Women generally fear speaking up about what they want but most men will love you for it if you leave the complaints out.
What men do fear is criticism in this tender place so rather than complaining about what is not working ask for what you do want instead. Eg. If you want a change say ‘this is ok and a little to the left would be even better!’ or ‘I’d love it if you could go a bit slower, that’s great, can you go even slower?’
Sometimes just taking your lover’s hand and putting it where you want it can be the most direct way.
Don’t expect your partner to remember every time as it can differ, just make it a habit of asking for what you want (ironically this takes the shame and frustration out of it and they’re more likely to remember).
If nothing is working it’s OK to pause, breathe and take the time to come back to a place of connection with yourselves and see what emerges from here. Don’t make it wrong. Don’t make your partner wrong. Don’t run away. Focus on what IS happening for you and share this ie. I’m feeling distracted, not really present, disconnected from myself, shutdown, left out, flat etc. Own this as your feeling, nothing to do with your partner (even the best technique in the world won’t get you there if you’re not available). If your partner is feeling something less than perfect don’t make it about you. As scary as it sounds stating what and allowing it to be ok can empower things to shift.

Talk after sex:

Just a simple ‘that was wonderful’ or ‘I love you’ can suffice immediately afterwards. A little later there is great benefit in sharing what you experienced for even though you may have felt totally in connection with one another we still have our own uniquely personal perspective. It’s also a great way to learn more for next time. This can include what you learned, what worked for you, and what challenged or didn’t work for you. Own your comments and speak from the heart.

Lastly, reassess your sexual map regularly, as like us, our sexual desires change over time.

If you would like any help in getting this conversation started give us a call on 1800 TANTRA or email us here

Vulnerability: Curse or Blessing?

April 17, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Vulnerability: The Blessing And The Curse of Intimacy

We’re caught in the trap of desiring intimacy but resisting vulnerability with all kinds of mind games and psychological protection. In the end we think it is easier to learn the skill of vulnerability…

We’ve been told that vulnerability is a scary, dangerous place. In fact, vulnerability is simply deep openness. It’s beautiful. In fact, it’s how we actually create intimacy. Without it we can share each other’s company, do things together and share common interests. But without it we stay on the surface of each other, and of ourselves. We repeat- vulnerability is the deep level of openness and availability that will make your relationship work. Being vulnerable means we’ve let our psyche’s emotional walls down, allowing ourselves to be seen- both by others and by ourselves. It can happen in moments of joy, such as at the birth of your child, being fully loved by another, being given a moment of grace when you feel most undeserving, as much as in moments of fear. In fact, it’s in the openness and space created by vulnerability that love can enter, we have to make space for it. Love can enter by itself and magically create a connection yet if you’re willing to make vulnerability a practice you will experience a much higher level of Big Love in your relationship, and in your life.

Vulnerability is always scary but any danger comes from our lack of understanding and inability in dealing with it. When we think of vulnerability we’re conditioned to think of something being wrong, that we’re literally in danger. Vulnerability has warning signs around it saying ‘don’t go there, don’t go there’. From here we make the logical choice to try and defend ourselves or attack that which is making us feel vulnerable. When we do this we miss out on the love, connection, healing and self-understanding that lies on the other side of our vulnerability.

The key in Vulnerability

Is if you can make the paradoxical choice to make your vulnerability ok and welcome it in our need to defend ourselves drops away.

When we make vulnerability ok, choosing to feel it, allow it, even welcome it in, we are in a very powerful place.

We’ve been taught that vulnerability is about exposing or opening ourselves up to another person, or to something outside of ourselves. We call this vulnerability without. In vulnerability without our focus is on opening ourselves outwards where we leave ourselves vulnerable to attack or rejection, especially if we are looking for something from the person we’re opening to. It is emotionally risky because in doing so we expose the mask of our most unfamiliar, helpless and wounded self.

From here we either:

Contract in our feelings, creating an experience of intense emotional and even physical pain
Go into a story to justify our fear or woundedness, whether it is true or not
Become desperate for the person we’re exposed to to validate or comfort us
Pick up on any potential threat in what our partner says or does and react, whether the threat is real, or our projection
Go on the offensive, attacking the other to stay safe in ourselves
Close down as soon as possible and put our defences back up

Many a relationship has been destroyed by attacks that come from the discomfort of this kind of vulnerability.

Vulnerability Within

on the other hand is opening in to ourselves, holding on to ourselves rather than to another. It is about literally opening inwards rather than opening out. This vulnerability within ourselves becomes a place of strength, going beyond our weakness to where we no longer feel the need to hide or protect ourselves. We find we are not weak and helpless but vast and powerful. We’re less dependent on our partner’s response. We’re totally emotionally open and available to ourselves and to our partners, even to love itself. We surrender to ourselves, our mind sinks into our heart. We’re freer and more connected to our essence.

We don’t say these things lightly

When we say vulnerability within ourselves leads us into experiences of more love than we ever dreamed possible we’re very serious. As a society we are becoming more physically comfortable, smarter and more in control of our ego selves and our world. We have an ever increasing number of ways to escape feeling discomfort. The byproduct of this shift is more loneliness and depression and missing out on the gifts Big Love can bring. We’re creating more external success but our question is, does this replace the value of Big Love itself? Experiencing Big Love, love beyond description is one of the benefits of facing our vulnerability.

If we stop buying into the fear stories of vulnerability we find it is a feeling like ‘come and get me world, do your worst because here I am, with no more walls and nothing more that can hurt me!’

What makes vulnerability uncomfortable is merely our resistance to it. The more willingly we embrace the power of vulnerability within the easier and more rewarding intimacy becomes.

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change” Brene Brown

Understand that if you only experience pain and not freedom in your vulnerability you have probably remained contracted in your feelings rather than fully dropping though them into the essence of you that lives underneath your pain and your story.

Holding on to yourself

is choosing to stay present with yourself and your feeling body whilst you show up, no matter what you feel. In this way intimate communicating becomes an act of self acceptance, validation and love, a way of maintaining your sense of self and becoming intimate and available in your relationship at the same time. This is the magic of intimacy.

In his wonderful book Passionate Marriage David Schnarch, Phd states that “Intimacy hinges on validating yourself rather than trusting your partner to make you feel safe.”

Making vulnerability OK and practicing taking your vulnerability within takes both courage and practice. Choose respectful places to practice your vulnerability in, places where you can hold onto yourself if it is unseen or rejected. Ask permission of the person you’re sharing with if they’re open to your sharing. You can start outside your relationship if with your partner feels too big, or start with subjects with manageable levels of vulnerability for both of you.

Vulnerability Practice:

When you are next sitting down with your partner (or a friend), practice your ABC, look them in the eye and notice what comes to you as something about yourself that would be challenging for you to share. Ask their permission first and choose to share it, using ‘I’ language. Share whatever it is without looking for any particular response. The importance is not what you are sharing but the opening you’re creating in yourself by sharing it. Hold onto yourself and validate yourself for going there. Don’t need your partner to do it for you, if they do see it as a beautiful bonus.

The magic in all of this is that because you are taking this risk in showing with your walls down and your partner is more than likely to feel drawn towards you rather than to reject us as you fear, for your exposure of your essence creates attraction. And if they do happen to reject you, you are ok because you are connected fully to yourself so there is no abandonment and little pain.

‘I’ language

Go to any personal development workshop and you will most likely be invited to speak in ‘I’ language. This happens for good reason. Our culture has a habit of saying ‘you’ when we really mean ‘I’ or ‘me’ that subtly disconnects us from feeling our own experience fully. Saying “I” also lets the other person hear us more easily as we are clearly talking about our own experience.
Make it a habit to practice ‘I’ language when talking about your own experience.

Your partner’s response: Remember your partner’s response is about them not you, just as your response is about you not them.

What we are responsible for is about us. Remembering this makes it easier to hold to ourselves when sharing.

Supporting someone in being vulnerable: If someone asks you to hear them share something vulnerable there is much you can do to support them:

Bring all of who you are into the moment:
Clear your mind
Connect with your body
Breathe into your heart
Gently focus your eyes on them
Be in silence
Don’t try to understand them at an intellectual level, let their words penetrate you, feel their heart
Feel what is behind their words
Meet them in who they are being
Validate them
Share what their sharing may have touched in you, which is a beautiful way of validating their offering.

“The way you become divine is to become wholly human”. Bishop Shelby Spong

If you would like to learn how to practice vulnerability within join us for one of our upcoming events here

Feeling Through Sexual Numbness

March 28, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

There’s a big, dirty secret out there.

One that is subtly reducing the amount of lovemaking that’s happening in relationships.

We’re having less sex than ever before and why is this so?

We’re becoming sexually NUMB!

This sexual numbness means that when we DO make love- often after we’ve finished work, looked after the family, attended to all the really important things in life, we find our sexual pleasure isn’t that inspiring. Leaving us hurt and confused and making it a long time before we make sex a priority again.

What are we saying?

Our bodies can lose their capacity to feel huge pleasure and begin to feel lots of nothing- this is known as sexual numbness and it is unknowingly ruining sex lives around the world.

Here we talk about why this happens and what simple step (and some more time invested ones) you can take to help your bodies learn how to reawaken and really feel.

This is some of what the lucky couples coming to our Couples Retreat will be learning and enjoying the benefits of.

What is Sexual Numbness?

Sexual Numbness happens because of something called body armouring.

It’s the body’s response to feeling hurt and pain- it literally toughens up.

There are 4 main reasons for this:

We shutdown or avoid our emotional feelings. This seems a good short term choice but over the long run it doesn’t work. Our feelings (including our sexual feelings) are all energy and when we shut down one, we shut down all of them. We can’t avoid sadness and feel joy, avoid shame and feel bliss, or avoid anger and feel passion. We might think we do but these feelings become a mere echo of what we’re really capable of.

2. Our hearts become armoured from unresolved emotional wounding. When we’ve been hurt and haven’t known how to heal we logically go into protection mode to prevent further injury, like putting several coats of Armor All on our hearts. The armouring makes our hearts look shiny on the outside but leaves them hardened within and less available for anything new, depriving ourselves of new opportunities for love that come our way.

3. The same thing happens to our genitals- they become armoured because of sexual wounding. And sexual wounding isn’t limited to sexual abuse… sexual wounding can happen simply through “doing” or having “unfeeling” sex. The current pornographic model of sex, sadly our most common teacher, is focussed on the “doing”, and on what sex looks like because porn is a visual medium. Rather than focussing on what it might actually feel like which is what we are actually interested in. Over time this hard and fast porn style thrusting by under prepared genitals just creates sexual numbness.

4. At a deeper level our bodies numbness can be a pathway to deeper self understanding. It’s our bodies way of saying “I need you to listen to me”. Perhaps you have been pushing yourself in all sorts of stress creating ways and your body won’t allow you to de-stress by sexual release, forcing you to find do so in a more wholisitc way. Perhaps your body is holding a little pocket of shame from being caught exploring your genitals with a boy/girl at school? Or it might want to show you a part of your sexuality, or your masculinity or femininity that you are denying. The possibilities are endless, but whatever the message is that your body is inviting you to look at by not being on automatic pilot, it will be one worth listening to.

Because believe it or not the tissues of our genitals are very sensitive- this is their original nature. This is a GOOD thing because sensitive genitals need a lot less attention to feel amazing. Remember back when you were teenagers and a mere touch was enough to send you into orbit? Over time a “doing” or “stimulating” type of sex leaves our genitals numb, making it harder for them to feel anything much at all. This results in fewer orgasms, reduced overall pleasure, weaker erections and a decreased libido.

The way to bring our bodies back to life is to “do” less and “feel” more:

Breathe deeply when you’re making love. Deep and slow breathing awakens and spreads your pleasure through your whole body. Short, fast breathing stimulates your pleasure to a peak- but if the pleasure isn’t there to start with you’ll short change yourself so begin with deep and slow.
Give yourself permission to make sounds, as to make sound we set up a vibration in the body which can help energy move, even little sounds can help start the process.
Instead of “thrusting’ your hips like a porn star, which tightens the muscles in your butt, hips, thighs and pelvic floor try “rocking” your hips, which relaxes and open these same muscles. Pleasure flows through relaxed muscles so this is definitely the way to go!
Try some short, deep thrusts, instead of relying only on full length in and out thrusts (which are better for the visual shots in blue movies but which become a bit boring at home). When you’re in deep only pull back only 2 or 3 cms at a time.
Take some time outside of sex to gently massage each other’s genitals, with plenty of oil and without any sexual agenda other than to resensitize them. Ie. with no focus on arousal. If you can really surrender to it (and breathe fully) it feels amazing and will re-energize your genitals in surprising ways.
Connect eyes when you’re making love- this definitely brings up the feeling factor.
To awaken further try some sexual healing for women and for men.
If, in the intimacy of lovemaking you feel pain or closed-ness in your heart, feel it and also share about it with your lover. This helps you take a few coats of Armor All off your heart and open it to more love. Yes it can be raw, but raw is the new sexy!

If you’d like to know more an experience some of this for yourselves take a look at our next weekend coming up in Sept 2017

How To Ask For Your Needs and Desires

January 3, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

As asking can be a challenge…

In relationship one of the most difficult and vulnerable things can be to ask for what it is you need, even more so for what you might desire. And the more you need or desire it the harder it can be to ask! We show you how below.

First let’s explore what is the difference between our needs and desires?

Our needs reflect our humanity and are common to all of us.

Some needs we literally cannot live without, like air, water and food. Some are more important for our emotional wellbeing like acceptance and love, some our spirituals wellbeing like the need for space and inspiration (see further list at end of article). Whatever the need without it our quality of life would be significantly worse off. The value we place on different needs makes us unique but the underlying need for them is universal.

Our desires reflect our individual uniqueness.

They are what we choose in our lives that say ‘this is who we are’. Our desires are things we can survive without yet they are an important aspect of how we experience, express and create our reality. The list of potential desires is as endless and varied as is the human race. Our desires come in two different forms, desires that serve simply ourselves and desires that serve ourselves whilst benefitting others and the world around us.

Our needs and desires are the place in relationship where we find both challenge and opportunity.

It’s not our partner’s obligation to fulfil our needs and desires, or ours to fulfil our partner’s. We commit to being together and supporting each other in whatever way we can, this is what builds love. Sharing each others desires brings creativity, aliveness and growth. Carrying the unspoken expectation that our partner’s will be there for everything we need and want (and vice versa) is imposing our child needs onto our adult relationship and is a fast way to permanent victim status for the ‘child’ and relationship burnout for the ‘parent’.

Asking for what you Need and Desire:

The asking for what we need and want, in this age of independence can still be the sticking point for many of us.

Here we offer you some simple but powerful tips on how to go about it as clearly as possible…

Identify what it is that you need/desire as clearly as you can.
Believe absolutely in your right to ask for what you need/desire. The asking is separate to getting it. Feel this belief in you as you ask.
If you have difficulty asking for what you need/desire know what your stuff is around asking. Do you have fear of not being worthy, resentment that it won’t happen, past pain from having your desires rejected, beliefs that asking is wrong, difficulty in identifying your needs? etc. What is it that drives your resistance- identify it and acknowledge it and leave it in the past for now.
Ask without any attachment at all to getting what you need/desire, in the way that you want it. This keeps your energy inside you rather than reaching out to the other where it can be chopped off at the knees. This also prevents you from unconsciously trying to hook the other person into your manipulation, leaving them free to respond authentically. If you can do this the rest will be much easier.
Be willing to receive a ‘no’ before you ask the question.
Avoid hinting, implying, suggesting or any other covert methods of asking for what you want. Just be clear, open and direct so the other person can hear you.
Never make a demand. Demands leave your partner 3 unhealthy options- to give in, to resist or to fight back. No good outcomes.
Avoid asking from the negative eg. “You never get home on time when I want you to, what’s the point of asking. Will you this time?” Not very inviting, but very common.
Make it clear what outcome getting what you need/desire will create for you. This will inspire your partner to get onto your team and help you manifest it. For example: “If you put the kids to bed for me tonight I will feel really cared about, loved and close to you” or “If you send me a sexy text whilst I am at work today I will feel seen, validated and loved by you”.
Ask if there is anything they need to be able to help you achieve what you need/desire eg. “Would it make it easier for you if I put the kids pj’s out on the bed for you?” or “Would it make it easier for you if I gave you a melting hug and a kiss before I left for work this morning?” This allows your partner to feel like they’re on your team.
Hear your partner’s ‘no’ without judgement. Don’t stay in the ‘no’, make space for something else to arise. Be willing to negotiate. Even better, be willing to get what you want in ways that might surprise you.
If your partner can’t meet your need/desire meet your own eg. by giving ourselves a hug or a cup of tea. Then think about how else, or who else can help you get your need/desire met.
Or is there another need you can meet that will support you to relax around your current need/desire? if one of your needs/desires has a big ‘empty tank’ you will have less flexibility in how willing you are to negotiate with it. In fact a big empty tank can make a desire feel like a real need instead. Once your tank has been filled up a bit you will feel more nurtured and a lot safer to have an open mind about your current need/desire.
See Creative Need Fulfilment Activity below.
If you’re finding it difficult to identify your need/desire let the other person know this before you start, own it as being about you. Invite them (or someone else if appropriate) to help you explore what your need/desire might be, just be clear this is a separate conversation to the one where you actually ask for what it is you need/desire.
If your partner consistently rejects your request ask them in a non judgemental way what their reason is for doing so. Be prepared to listen and you will probably learn something useful.

Remember that life is all about change, ebb and flow and humans are no different. There will be times when you will have more needs/desires, or neediness in your needs/desires than others, and the same will be true for your partner. Having your needs/desires out in the open will help you move through their changes.

Desperation a Key!

We have found that the more desperate you find yourself in your need/desire then the more likely there is something in this need/desire for you to give to yourself, rather than get it (or an aspect of it) from your partner. It can be your psyche’s way of screaming at you to see yourself more clearly. Do yourself a favour and listen as you can experience profound shifts in both yourself and your relationship as a result.

If you find your needs/desires are continually going unmet first review whether you’ve attempted to meet them yourself. Then review the section on ‘How to ask for what you want’ to check out if the way you’re asking for what you want is getting in your way. If you’re clear in these then it’s vital to discuss what is happening with your partner, as this is not a viable long term situation for you.

People commonly think what is the point of being in relationship if the other person isn’t there to fill our needs/desires if we can meet our own anyway? We find what is left is a clearer desire to simply be together…

Creative Need Fulfilment

There are times when our partners (or others) cannot meet our needs/desires, as much as they might like to. How can we embrace our needs/desires without unnecessarily imposing them on others?

We can do so by using our higher intelligence.

As your mind doesn’t know the difference between imagination and reality you can experience yourself having your need or desire met simply using the power of your mind and body.

Centre yourself, imagine yourself experiencing your need or desire fully, fill it out in your imagination as clearly as you can. Then ask for help in meeting this need or desire from your creative self or your higher power, whatever this might mean to you. Allow your imagination to fulfil your need or desire in the most creative way possible, feeling it in your heart and body if the is helpful. Fully embrace the moment.

Then either just enjoy what you’ve received without needing anything more, or use the creative suggestions that have arisen through your intuitive imagination to set about fulfilling your need or desire.

If you’re still having difficulty with needs and desires in your relationship how about contacting Annette or Graeme from Oztantra for a chat about how you can improve your strike rate on 1800 TANTRA or email here

Common Human Needs

Physical Wellbeing
Air, food, exercise/movement, rest/sleep, safety, shelter, sexual expression, touch, water
Connection
Acceptance, affection, appreciation, attention, belonging, cooperation, communication, closeness, community, companionship, compassion, consideration, consistency, empathy, inclusion, intimacy, love, mutuality, nurturing, respect/self respect, safety, security, stability, support, to know and be known, to see and be seen, to understand, to be understood, to like and be liked, to need and be needed, trust, warmth.
Honesty
Authenticity, integrity, presence.
Play
Adventure, diversity, fun, excitement, challenge, risk, joy, humour.
Peace
Beauty, communion, ease, equality, balance, harmony, inspiration, predictability, order.
Autonomy
Choice, freedom, independence, space, spontaneity.
Meaning
Awareness, celebration of life, challenge, clarity, competence, consciousness, contribution, creativity, discovery, efficacy, effectiveness, growth, hope, learning, mourning, participation, purpose, self expression, stimulation, to matter, understanding.
(c) 2005 by Center for Nonviolent Communication
Website: www.cnvc.org

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Core Values: Know Them For Your Relationship

January 3, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Your Core Values are an important part of who you are.

They will be directing your behaviour in your relationship whether you know it or not.

So it’s much better to know and be in the drivers seat of your relationship…

Your core values are the main set of beliefs you carry from your upbringing and your life experience that you believe are important to who you are and the way you live and living them makes you feel good about yourself.

In times of challenge these are the beliefs that you keep coming back to, that are your ‘bottom line’.

Your core values are the ones that stay in place for very long periods of time and tend to endure even when other aspects of your life change.

Other values may change over time but core ones are more stable, more a part of your essential self. They determine your standards, your priorities, and they’re the measures you use to tell if your life is turning out the way you want it to. If you don’t have them, how will you know if you’re acting in your own best interests? How will you know if something feels right? How will you know if something feels wrong? How will you know when you need to step back and take action that may involve opting out? How can you stay you, if you don’t have your core values, the fundamental, absolutely necessary things that help to determine your sense of self and help you feel good and enjoy the good in life? How can you respect yourself if you’re quick to abandon your values to adopt someone else’s?

Partners who share core values find relationship easier to deal with times of difficulty. Few people will give up their core values for another’s, though they can shift over time.

There are no right or wrong core values, only the ones we choose to live by.

A few Examples of Core Values:

I treat others as I would like them to treat me
Complete honesty is best at all times
Money is more important than lifestyle
I believe in always being optimistic
Partners should share everything in relationship
I value having space for myself in relationship
I am monogamous in my relationship
My partner needs to share my political/religious/spiritual beliefs

Core Values Activity

Take the time to write out a list of your core values.
Start with what is most obvious and keeping your mind open work your way through to ones that may surprise you.
If you’re not sure of what they are look at the results of your choices and work your way back to the belief.

What do you believe these values offer you, and your relationship?

How are you going with living your core values? Are there any changes you can make so you are living in a place of integrity with yourself?

Pick a time to share some with your partner. Take the time to show them who you are.
Invite them to do the same.

Feel the increased level of connection, safety and love that can arise from having clarity in your shared values.

If you have differing values, notice how they impact on your relationship.

Sex: Just How Good Is It For You?

November 23, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

The benefits of sex extend well beyond the bedroom.

Here we outline a few of them:

So you can enjoy the experience even more, whilst knowing you’re doing something good for yourself.
And if you’ve been finding more reasons not to go there recently here’s a few reasons to turn yourself back on to the advantages of a little nookie…

Sex is not only pleasurable, do you know just how good it is for you? The benefits range from reducing your stress levels to lowering your risk of cancer and heart attacks. Sex facilitates bonding and feelings of intimacy that do more than just make you feel good, they actually reduce anxiety and boost your overall health and wellbeing. Let’s explore the perks more fully.

Fewer Sick Days with a Higher Libido?

Studies comparing those sexually active with those who aren’t say that more sex equals fewer sick days by boosting your immune system. So the next time you’re feeling a cold coming on as well as reaching for the Vitamin C and heading to bed early reach for your partner (or your own genitals) and get some feel good vibes going in your body.

Having sex also boosts your libido and your sexual desire. It reminds your body just how good it can feel and makes it want more. So if it’s been a while for you don’t stress about it just get started and believe it will get even better as you practice more.

Your Pelvic Floor

You can improve your bladder and erection control by having regular sex and orgasms as they strengthen and tone your pelvic floor muscles. Your pelvic floor muscles not only promote continence and erectile function they’re also a pleasure generator. As the more you squeeze, the more you stimulate the well of sexual energy that lives in your pelvic bowl! You don’t need to squeeze hard just regularly.

Heart Disease and Cancer

Lowering your risk of heart disease might seem a distant reason to have sex but can you think of a more important one? Sex helps not only keep you physically active it helps balance your hormones, lowers your blood pressure and your stress levels. Sex gets you active and burns calories too. It cannot replace your gym workout or your morning walk but it is a nice way to get some extra physical activity and much more effective than vegging out on the couch!

Sex can also reduce the risk of prostate cancer and improve vaginal health post menopause. Men who ejaculated more frequently than those who didn’t were shown to have a lower risk of prostate cancer than those who didn’t. We would add that including prostate massage (massaging the area between the balls and the anus, or internally on the prostate itself) in your love play is even better than overly focussing on ejaculation. Prostate massage helps spread sexual energy through the body rather than just releasing it through ejaculation. Having sex helps to balance your hormones, increase the blood flow, elasticity and lubrication of your vaginal walls sex is an important addition to your menopause management (whilst boosting your libido along the way).

Pain Reliever & Sleep Promoter

Got a headache? It might be a reason to actually have sex (or masturbate) rather than avoid it! Sexual stimulation has been shown to help keep pain at bay by blocking your brain’s pain signals and increasing your pain threshold. It may be the last thing you feel like when you start, but the end result can be worth it. Masturbating can be a great aid to weight loss too, getting you through that crucial moment of need…

Can’t sleep? Rather than tossing and turning start stroking your body and relaxing instead by waking up those delicious feelings in your body. Focus on breathing into them and feel the restlessness leaving. If you can’t turn your brain off imagine it filling up with cotton wool instead- it really works! Whether you orgasm or not you’ll soon be smiling and ready for sleep.

We all know this one…

Sex is also well known to be a great stress reliever. And not just because of the release of orgasm/ejaculation. The touching and hugging in sexual intimacy promotes the release of feel good hormones, reducing anxiety and promoting overall wellbeing. Sexual arousal releases feel good endorphins and other chemicals in the brain that stimulate your pleasure and reward systems. If you practice Tantric Sex, which is all about relaxation at the beginning, rather than just at the end, then filling yourself with life sustaining sexual energy, sex becomes even more stress relieving.

Studies show that those well bonded to their partners are happier and healthier. With humans being such social creatures, our close and loving connections with others boosts our overall health and wellbeing. The range of endorphins released in sex (whether by yourself or with another) act as natural anti depressants. Whilst improving your intimacy and closeness through hugging, cuddling and slow, sensual sex stimulates the release of the love hormone oxytocin, building feelings of love, trust, generosity and bonding. So whilst hot and hard may be how sex is most often portrayed, slowing down and really getting connected has even more to offer.

Look Better and Get Smarter!

Believe it or not sex can even help you look younger. In one study, judges viewed participants through a one way mirror and guessed the ages of those having sex 4 times per week as 7-12 years younger than they actually were. Sex keeps your skin younger looking, your eyes brighter and your hair shinier. So toss out the expensive beauty creams and get sexy instead!

And lastly, if you need any more convincing, sex also boosts your brainpower. Researchers specializing in human pleasure (what great career!) have determined that “Mental exercises increase brain activity but only in relatively localized regions, orgasms activates the whole”. Barry Komisaruk, PhD, Psychology, Rutgers University, US in July 2011. We see this means sex is also an opportunity to become more self aware. Using that heightened brain power to look in at yourself in your open, expanded state invites more self insight than most other life situations. This gives you permission to ditch the crosswords and Google search and go for the powers of pleasure instead!

As you can see, the benefits of sex are huge, and whilst we don’t say they outweigh the importance of a healthy lifestyle we do believe that sex plays a vital role in our overall health and happiness, whether it’s sex with your partner or with yourself…

And you’d like to learn some more ways to clear the blockages that lead to the good stuff in your relationship email us here or come along to our next event.

Relationship Healing Experience

October 1, 2016 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

This is the story of Mark & Jenny’s relationship healing

Mark & Jenny were a couple who sort of believed they still loved each other.
But their daily reality wasn’t bearing that out.

Read how they moved form disconnection, anger and uncertainty into something new and rewarding.

Their story is one unique version of the many couples who come to us from across Australia and overseas for one of our individually focussed Ultimate Couples Getaways. It’s a story of relationship healing…

This is Mark

Mark was working long hours, successful in his business but paying for it through the stress he carried, stress that lead him to slump down in front of the TV at night, with a ‘leave me alone’ wall emanating from him. Which was better than the nights he had to take his anger out on Jenny by picking a fight with her. He wondered if he might be a bit depressed, but this thought was too hard to deal with so he avoided it. He did worry about his almost non existent libido, but didn’t know what to do about it. Mark felt very much in charge at work but when it came to the bedroom he didn’t have the answers and was scared to look. He dealt with his fear by being angry and keeping Jenny at a distance.

This is Jenny

Jenny was a very loving, passionate woman. She longed for more lovemaking in her relationship but she was scared of Mark’s anger and found it impossible to breach his unavailability. Feeling powerless, she carried a lot of frustration about the lack of passion in her relationship, as well as the lack of intimacy that stemmed from it. So much so that she had a luscious affair a few months ago, that ended when her lover ran away from her emotional intensity. This left Jenny even more angry and now feeling guilty as well. She’d was having therapy that helped her feel more normal and less guilty but left her still burdened with a deeper level of ongoing frustration.

Persistence Pays

Jenny urged Mark to consider coming to counselling with her. He was very resistant to the idea of exposing his vulnerabilities to a complete stranger and kept saying no. Jenny kept looking for an answer. She wanted to feel connected with Mark again and have a real relationship, not just go through the motions and look for real intimacy outside of it. Especially after their youngest son, Trent, left home at the end of the year leaving Mark and Jenny alone in the house.

Eventually Jenny found Oztantra’s Ultimate Couples Getaways and spoke to Annette and Graeme about their approach to relationship counselling. Amazed at even being able to speak to them upfront at no cost, Jenny sensed that here were two people who might have the solution she was desperate for. Otherwise it felt like the end of the road for her in her relationship with Mark. Annette and Graeme got right to the point of where she was at and what she wanted, whilst being relaxed and approachable. Jenny felt hopeful.

Something New

Mark agreed to speak to these guys because he could do it from home with minimal commitment from himself. Somehow, speaking to Annette and Graeme felt more like a conversation than any kind of therapy. Yes, a couple of the ideas they brought up were a bit confronting, but in his gut he knew that there was something in it he could trust.

His gut instinct also told him he could trust these two, especially as they could help him laugh about some of his biggest fears without him even having to mention them.

A Good Start

So Mark and Jenny booked a flight to Byron Bay and spent five days having both a holiday in relaxed and sunny Lennox Head, just 15 minutes south of Byron. They didn’t need a car, everything they wished for was in walking distance from their accommodation, including an abundance of great cafes, succulent fresh fish, daily walks and swims, even a local yoga class.

In a relaxed manner Annette & Graeme met them for a coffee even before the sessions started, just to get further acquainted and comfortable with the process. Mark and Jenny were able to choose the time of their sessions to fit in with their desires, with available follow up at a moment’s notice for no extra cost. It still didn’t feel like therapy.

New Pathways

The next day they had their first session – a total of 3 hrs, that went by very fast. Annette & Graeme were able to present a framework of ideas that showed them they weren’t broken and they weren’t alone. What’s more, they saw that what they’d thought were problems were actually pathways to what they both wanted.

Jenny had her beliefs about her sexuality validated. It wasn’t that she was needy or demanding, more that she was following her body’s intuition about the importance of sex for her as part of her vitality and life force, her very survival. In fact, she had felt like she was dying (or crazy) having to shut it down when sex was unavailable. She learned new ways to nurture her sexuality outside of sex that gave her a new lust for life itself.

Mark learned that whilst his libido might not be what it once was there was a whole new place in sex waiting for him that was as good as, if not better that what had gone before. And a big part of it was about him taking the time to look after himself, to relax and not see sex merely as another job he had to ‘perform’ at when he was exhausted. He found a new way to view sex as revitalizing.

Opening the Floodgates

This helped them begin to feel excited once more about their relationship. They also learned some powerful ways to communicate and feel heard about the things that were most important to them. They found so much to talk about, other than the kids and work, which had been the mainstay of their conversations for many years. Mark and Jenny started to really see each other as unique individuals, rather than a source of pain and suffering which helped them trust one another again. This opened the floodgates of desire.

Going deeper they not only recognized where some of their patterns of behaviour came from, they also learned how to get underneath the stories that kept them trapped and hurting to the love underneath. Building on the newfound love Mark and Jenny learned some simple but amazing lovemaking techniques that increased both their intimacy and pleasure. Jenny felt met by Mark in lovemaking as never before. Mark felt freer and more inspired in sex than he had for a long time. They practiced these in the privacy of their accommodation.

Not only this, but it seemed like both their relationship and themselves had healed at a very deep level that was beyond words. They felt seen, held and met by Annette & Graeme in a subtle and powerful way, connecting them to strengths they’d never dreamed they had. And surprisingly there were many healing laughs along the way.

An Excited Beginning

Mark and Jenny felt like they had found a new beginning and couldn’t wait to get started. To help integrate the new changes at home because it takes more than just a few days to change life long patterns, Annette and Graeme offered a follow up Skype session at home, included in the cost.

Even though the couple worked very hard and faced some very challenging things it felt more like an adventure than therapy, with Annette and Graeme riding side saddle beside them.

If you’re looking for your own relationship adventure contact Graeme and Annette today about an Ultimate Couples Getaway on 1800 TANTRA

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