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Tantric Communication Practice

September 5, 2023 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

unhappy couple

Do you find that your communication with your partner never seems to hit the spot?

Are you often left feeling unheard? 

Unseen?

Or uninspired? (You’ve heard it all before…when you used to hang on their every word)

Even disrespected?

Today’s tantric communication practice can help bring about a radical change in your communication style with minimal effort.

Like much of tantra, this is a ritual, a practice

And like any practice the more you do it, the more satisfying it becomes.

It’s simple.

It allows each person to feel heard.

It invites you to listen to each other. To listen from the heart, rather than the head.

We often rarely listen to each other

In normal communication styles there is often very little listening going on. 

We are so used to constantly thinking, our partner has barely got started when we are busy analysing what they’ve said. And how it will impact us. 

Sometimes we are so busy waiting for our turn, working out what we want to say, we don’t really hear what our partner is saying.

Sometimes we check out of the conversation because we think we’ve heard it all before.

We can disagree with what is being said, and immediately try to impose our own point of view. 

Occasionally we can be in fear of what our partner might have to say.  So we either interrupt, ignore, invalidate or check out of their conversation. Because we literally want to protect ourselves from hearing it. 

Also too, we can be emotionally triggered by our partner’s words and either explode into unrelated emotion, or withdraw from it.

This simple tantric practice bypasses all of the above

It does so by getting us to focus on listening and really hearing each other. And nothing else.

It’s not trying to resolve anything.

It’s not trying to get to an outcome.

It’s about really listening, from the heart. 

With practice the space between you gets safer and safer to speak from the heart.

This can truly transform your communication by building trust and intimacy.

Which then allows you to, at other times, more easily resolve issues that arise between you.

It’s pretty good for your sex life too!

The tantric communication practice is called Heart Sharing. It doesn’t have to look as formal as this image but it gives a sense of how tantric communication feels.

Heart Sharing 

How does it work?

  1. You sit opposite each other.
  2. Both partners take a moment to feel into their hearts. You can close your eyes or place a hand on your heart to do this. (This sounds corny but it works.)
  3. See yourself and the person opposite you as divine, empowered beings, creating their own realities. (Ditto.)
  4. One person shares for 3-5 minutes (It’s good to set a timer here).
  5. Once the first partner’s time is up, the listener just says thankyou, NOTHING more.
  6. Then you reset the timer and the second person has their turn, the same as above.

The Speaker

The speaker just speaks, whatever is there.

Without any agenda, or trying to get a particular response.

They really hear themselves more.

Which can help them gain insight into what they are actually putting out there.

A valuable tip is that if you run out of things to say, you just wait, until something else arises. If nothing does, you just sit in silence.

The Listener

The listener just listens. (Yes, God, the Universe or evolution DID give us two ears and one mouth for a reason!)

Whilst they listen, the listener focusses on their heart (keeping their hand their can help).

This helps them hear their partner from as open a place as possible.

The listener notices any inner response or reaction they might have, like those listed above. And instead of speaking or reacting they simply take a deep breath or two…This allows them to stay present with what is being said.

It’s more than just talking

Sitting opposite each other allows more non verbal communication to happen as well.

Heart to Heart communication

The important thing to remember is that this is NOT about AGREEING with your partner.

It’s about LISTENING.

It’s about believing that everyone benefits from being truly heard.

And that being seen is a form of being loved.

As we said, this practice is not about resolving your issues. It’s about building trust.

Over time your sharings will get more and more clear and heart centred

Because you will feel safe, seen and heard. 

With practice you can let go of the timer and just let each person hare until they feel complete. (However, if it starts to feel one sided it’s good to use the timer again).

It works for women because they can speak without needing to be fixed. As she hears herself she can get clearer in what she has to say.

It works for men because they have the space between the words to feel heard. Men can tune in to a woman’s body language without being overwhelmed by her words.

Cervical Orgasm: How to discover it

July 4, 2023 By Annette & Graeme 2 Comments

And why her cervical orgasm is great for both of you!

Most women have never experienced a cervical orgasm, or even know it is possible.

They mostly experience discomfort instead.

Resolving cervical discomfort will awaken the magic of this divine part of woman…

The cervix, that donut shaped gateway between the vagina and the womb is a place of magic. It forms the gateway between the vagina and womb; the genitals and the heart; and between sex and love; love and the divine. It also forms the gateway between the self and the transpersonal, that which lies beyond the ordinary mind. 

The cervix is the place where a woman can experience a cervical orgasm of deeply fulfilling pleasure.

It is also where she can experience a cervical orgasm of love, of her divinity.

Such an orgasm leaves a woman truly open, truly receptive, truly blossomed. Soft, vulnerable yet deeply powerful in her womanness. Exuding the divine love of the feminine.

That’s a whole lot of possibilities for such a little space! About 2.2cm or 1 inch long.

The experience described above is a rare, or even non existent one for most women.

But things are changing as the word is spreading. Just as it was once rare for a woman to experience her GSpot, so too is the cervix is coming into its own.

Mostly the cervix just hurts!

It is currently most common for a woman to experience her cervix as that “owy” spot somewhere deep inside her. The spot that is very uncomfortable in full and hard penetration.

The cervix needs time and attention to awaken.

The spot that is swabbed during a vaginal exam whilst a cold speculum lies in her vagina.

This makes her cervix mostly a spot a woman wants to move away from.

Even worse, a woman is likely to “tolerate” this discomfort, rather than ask for it to be changed. Because this is what women are good at.

A man is not necessarily aware of what is going on for her, or what they are both missing out on.

And so she misses out on its possibilities. They both do.

The cervix is not built for direct pressure

Woman in Pain

In lovemaking the cervix itself is too tender a place to receive too much pressure, or pounding. This is what causes the discomfort. Which leads to the cervix becoming numbed out in order to protect itself from pain. Or being overly sensitised by the pain, making it even more more painful.

There are 2 ways to pave the way for cervical orgasm

One is a practice that a woman can do for herself. 

And one that her lover can support her with that will be good for both of them. 

Her Practice for cervical orgasm

A woman can heal the numbness and pain in her cervix through her own sexual healing.

It is SO worth it. It is a very empowering and radically self loving way to open yourself to deep pleasure, love and transcendent experiences.

https://www.wandsoflust.com.au/collections/glass-wands

This is done using a crystal dildo, or glass wand, something that she can comfortably reach her cervix with. And her loving presence.

  • After creating a safe space, she can deep breathe and spend a few minutes dropping into her body.  
  • It might take a little while for her to “sense” her cervix.
  • She can then gently approach her cervix with the lubricated toy. Going slowly, letting the cervix relax.
  • Letting it soften onto the tool, whilst she breathes deeply, exhaling through her mouth.
  • If she encounters pain she can breathe and sound it out.
  • She can feel the emotions present there.
  • If there is numbness she can feel into it and ask it what lies beneath it.
  • She may connect with memories of past hurts or times when she missed out on pleasure.
  • She only needs to experience whatever is present with love and compassion, allowing it to heal and fill with pleasure rather than pain and numbness.

The number of times a woman needs to do this, for about 10mins each time, is different for each woman. Start x 10 mins daily x 7 days, or second daily, and feel what more is needed. Listen to your body.

For Her Lover to support cervical orgasm

Remember that is vital that a woman is fully aroused before any deep penetration is attempted. (Unlike what is portrayed in porn).

When she’s fully aroused, two sexy ligaments called the round ligaments will come into play. These ligaments attach to the top of the uterus and thread down to the labia majora (the outer lips). Their job is to keep the womb in a stable position, especially during pregnancy.

In lovemaking, when a woman is aroused her outer lips will swell. This causes the round ligaments to tighten and pull the cervix safely out of the way. This means that penetration can happen without the cervix getting too bumped. 

It also means her “A” and “P” spots will be stimulated pleasurably by deep penetration. These “spots” are formed at the front and back of the vaginal canal where the cervix slightly protrudes into it. See the yellow circle in the image on the right.

As the lover, you don’t have to worry too much about trying to hit the right “spots”.  Instead focus on giving the labia, not just the clitoris, some extra attention before going inside. She will love you for it. You can spend time massaging her A spot, which you’ll find in a similar way to her GSpot, just another 2 or 3 inches 5-7cm further in.

When you’re making love

Once you’re inside, approach the depths slowly. Spend some time going just a little way in and out at first, which stimulates the GSpot area. Then focus on being deeply inside and going slooww, relaxing your hips, moving them around in a circle, rather than thrusting. With those round ligaments tightening, elongating the vagina, you can both feel a delicious sense of being totally filled/totally filling. As you do this, imagine penetrating your woman with your heart as well as your lingam/cock/penis. This can feel incredibly powerful for you, as well as your woman.

Taking it easy

Having this focus on your woman can help you step out of having to rush to your own end. Instead you can enjoy each moment more. And again, she will love you for it. You won’t need to do it like this every time. But the more you do it the more she, and her body, will trust and open with you.

Mmm…yummy!!

Once this contact is feeling really good then deep, hard thrusting can feel exceptionally good for both of you. Instead of feeling her pulling back and shutting down you will feel her melting, opening and wanting more. And she will feel it too.

And you will have her eternal devotion.

All sorts of magic can happen from here- deep love, erotic wildness, cervical orgasm, transcendent bliss, anything is possible. 

Things too hard to put into words…

Holiday Sex: How to Create it at Home

May 30, 2023 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Holiday Sex:

Ever wondered why we have more sex on holidays than at home?

It is well known that even the most disconnected couples will have more sex, even better sex, when they are on holidays, rather than they do at home. Holiday sex somehow feels easier…

The reasons for great holiday sex are obvious

We have more time.

We’re more relaxed.Balinese Villa for great holiday sex

We can leave our stresses behind.

We’re in a different environment, often one that is physically beautiful.

Our partners are likely more receptive.

On holidays we get more present with each other meaning our desire starts to perk up and get our attention.

Permanent holidays aren’t possible

Sadly, most of us are unable to be on a permanent holiday and continually have the best sex of our lives.

And even if we were, the familiarity of that would eventually lose its fire. Unless of course, we learned fabulous tantric tips to keep the fires burning along the way…

Creating the holiday sex feeling at home

But there is a lot that we can do at home that can help us bring in that holiday feeling at home. Whilst sparking things up in the bedroom for some great holiday sex.

  • reduce the stress in your life by getting some exercise, managing your emotions, try meditation, set clear goals and boundaries, set up automatic bill pay.
  • Set aside a time to connect sexually and stick to it, the way you would a medical or hairdresser’s appt. Allow at least an hour, preferably two, so there is no rush.
  • Turn your bedroom be a haven from the rest of the world. It doesn’t have to be as exotic as those shown in the Netflix series “How To Build A Sex Room”. Just having a tidy bedroom, a candle lit and some soft music playing can make a difference.
  • Each of you have a shower, wear something sexy, or sensual, something different to what you usually would.
  • Here is the most important part: Come to the space without any expectations or agendas. Other than to enjoy yourselves and each other, whatever this looks like. Expectations are the biggest killers of desire. Expectations set up a sense of obligation, which really is a passion killer.
  • Be willing to be with each other “in the moment”.

Begin with connection

Start with facing each other and one at a time sharing one or more of the following:

  • 3 things that you appreciate about your partner. This helps to open your hearts and build the connection between you. Spend x 5 mins gently gazing into each others eyes.
  • one fear, one boundary (something that you might not feel up for today) and one desire.
  • Sit in yabyum- one partner sits in the others’ lap with their legs wrapped around their partner’s hips. Both wrap your arms around each other with palms flat on your partner’s body. You can connect our foreheads if you wish. Breath deeply here for x 5 mins. This allows all of your major energy centres to connect.

Two different ways to start getting creative

Now you’ve made your appointment, created the space, shown up on time and got connected. How do you ensure/enhance your sexual desire?

Here are a couple of suggestions for creating that holiday feel in sex at home:

Awakening your 5 senses

  • This is a traditional tantric practice. It works because it helps to turn off the thinking part of your mind and awaken the feeling, sensual part.
  • Sight: have soft lighting so you can see and appreciate each others bodies.
  • Sound: have some soft or sensual music playing. Or whisper loving, playful or tantalising things to each other.
  • Smell: wear a perfume or have scented oils in the air.
  • Taste: have a variety of simple flavours to taste- chocolate, strawberries, ginger
  • Touch: try a variety of touches- soft, sensual, firmer, slooow, faster, scratches, slaps (with consent). Try tantric touch- just Try touching with feathers, paddles, ice.
  • We would add here playing with your breath- deep and slow, short and fast (for short periods). Try nose/mouth , or open mouth breathing. How you breathe changes your sexual experience.
  • Optional- having the receiving partner wear a blindfold.

Feel into what your desires might be

  • Each person feels into themselves and their bodies and notices what their desires are.
  • Desires based in the body, rather than the mind are less likely to be expectations.
  • When we include awareness of what our body’s are feeling we can discover a whole range of helpful ideas.

Start with where you are at, without making it wrong. For example:

  • one person may notice they are feeling really tired. The question then is, what do they need to shift into a space more available for making love? Maybe something to snack on, a drink, a shower, a massage.
  • One person may be feeling resentful, or scared. The question here is again, what does this person need to come into the space? Perhaps a stomp around the room with clenched fists and few growls to help release the resentment (this works better than sharing, as talking resentment can be a downer, unless you think the space between you can hold that. If it is anxiety, maybe the person just needs a space to be heard in their fears or to be held.
  • One person may be feeling flat and uninspired. Open mouthed breathing x 5 mins can really wake up your energy.  Maybe some child’s play could help eg. playful wrestling and growling, free dancing to their favourite music, doing some deep breathing and full body shaking.
  • Maybe both people are feeling a bit disconnected from each other. In this case sitting opposite each other, looking into each other’s’ eyes and sharing 3 things that you are grateful to the other person for can create connection.

You get the idea- exploring the opposite energy to what the person is in can provide a shift in it. Without the person having to pretend they’re into making love, when they’re really not. Or force themselves into going along.

You’ve created that special space for holiday sex right in your own home

Without having to leave home!

One that will keep your sexual connection going until your next holiday comes along.

Where the sex will be even better, as you’re going there already sexually connected!

Managing Stress In Your Relationship

March 16, 2023 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Where tantra meets neuroscience…

It’s a good time right now to talk about managing stress, as there is plenty of it going around…financially, emotionally and relationally…

In the current world climate, it can be easy to find yourself shouting at your partner and hating the very sight of them. You might be believing they’re somehow failing you, or you are somehow failing them. You might be feeling unsafe, rather than wanting to be close, loving and intimate. You might be feeling stuck, rather than free, easy, holding space for your partner and yourself to be just as you are…

To manage stress, even to become a master of stress resiliency, you first need to understand it. This is where neuroscience can help.

Neuroscience reminds us there are two facets of stress- both the stress and the stressor.

And there are two kinds of solutions- the external and the internal.

Let’s start with understanding the difference between the stress and the stressor.

The stressors are the things that activate a stress response in your body, by indicating they can do you harm.

A stressor can be anything you see, hear, smell taste, touch, feel or imagine.

A stressor can be external to you:

  • a difficult conversation with your partner or your boss
  • a bill arriving in your Inboxwoman sleeping at washing machine
  • the latest home loan interest rate rise
  • an expectation of your culture for you to behave a certain way as husband, or wife
  • a smell that reminds you of an unpleasant encounter
  • an unwelcome touch
  • a reasonable request for attention from your partner that you do not have the energy to meet.

There are also internal stressors:

  • self criticismMan fearing the misunderstood cock
  • lack of self worth
  • lack of sleep
  • unresolved feelings from your last argument
  • memories
  • uncertainties about the future.

The stress is the neurological and physiological shift that happens when you meet one of these stressors.

It’s the rush of neurological and hormonal activity generated by your body, in its evolutionary adaptive response that helps us survive threats. Where we become instantly more switched on, focussed in the moment, ready to deal with whatever looms before us.

Whether it’s to run, fight or freeze.

We also experience a range of feelings such as annoyance, frustration, anger, anxiety, uncertainty, fear, numbness, sluggishness, disconnected.

Our entire body and mind changes in order to deal with this threat, perceived or real.

As we know, most of our threats are more psychological than physical these days. Unless you are unlucky enough to be a victim of a crime or domestic violence.Couples Communication getting violent

Once our stress response sees that it has been successful in dealing with the threat it relaxes, and there is relief or celebration. We then return to our normal resting and sociable state. All is right with the world and we once again feel safe.

Our stress response is built to be a short term response.

It’s meant to be immediately resolved.

Our stress response is not meant to be long term.

In modern life we have fewer life threatening stressors, but many more frequent ones.

Frequent small stressors make relationships complicated.

Because we might want to run away from our partner at times, in order to resolve our stress.Couples Communication can quickly get messy

Or to throw our wine in their face or strike out at them in the perceived (and occasionally real) threat they represent to us.

Yet we can’t.

We’re supposed to be nice, connected and loving.

And to stay in relationship with this person.

So we need more effective ways of dealing with the situation rather than just relying on our stress response.

Particularly as unresolved stress becomes chronic.

Our stress response keeps activating and we become stuck in the stress cycle.Boredom in the bedroom

We can unconsciously start to see our partner as a source of threat, rather than one of love, support and desire.

Leaving us feeling unsafe.

Making us want to protect ourselves, rather than reach out.

Chronic stress has many physical impacts

Chronic stress can leave us with high blood pressure and heart disease. It can have us reaching for the antacid tablets as the blood rushes to our muscles rather than our gut. This is so we can flee or fight, rather than our stomach digest, a secondary concern in times of stress. Blood doesn’t flow to our genitals as much either, for that matter. Chronic stress also leaves our immune functioning lowered and our sleep poor. Overall leaving us less equipped to deal with, or enjoy life.

Chronic stress can also leave us effectively “playing dead”. When the gazelle can no longer out run the lion, it plays dead. This is in the hope the lion will lose interest and leave it alone. In chronic stress playing dead can leave us feeling stuck and unmotivated, with no answers, nor ability to find any.

The impact of unresolved stress is pretty damning.

So how do we deal with BOTH the stress and the stressor?

We approach it from two different angles.

We find external solutions that deal with the stressor.

ie. we find the modern day equivalent of running from the lion.

We refinance our home loan, adjust our budget spending, change jobs, take time out until we can re-engage with our loved one, or we ask for help.

We make the time to share with our partners what is going on for us. We make the effort to listen non judgmentally when our partners share. We come back to a place of connection.

Even more importantly, we find internal solutions to clear the stress.

The physiological impact of stress that we still carry in all parts of our bodies. Even our hearts, minds and genitals.

The good news is that clearing our stress internally allows us to come up with easier external solutions. This is because we come back into safety and connection with more of our executive brain function.

Let’s get physical

We can do this firstly by getting physical. It’s the most efficient way to deal with stress.Hula hoop boundaries

Doing between 30-60 mins of exercise a day, in whatever form works for you. Whether it includes taking the stairs, going for a walk or run, having a game, doing a workout.

It’s even more efficient when we’re doing it with intent. Going for a run, or a bike ride, or dancing around the living room, actively knowing we’re releasing our stress.

There are other ways too.

Ways that are more tantric. Such as:

  • deep breathing
  • meditating
  • having a good cry (watch your fave weepy movie)
  • throwing a temper tantrum to safely release anger (in a private space)(very tantric!)
  • expressing your feelings creatively through journaling or art
  • getting a good nights restFreedom after healing sexual abuse
  • having positive social interactions. This is where connecting with your girlfriends, or your mates, can be a more effective stress reliever than your partner. (Provided you don’t just whinge about your partners.
  • having a good laugh (hang out with friends or watch your fave funny movie)

You can also choose to promote stress relief WITHIN your relationship

This kind of intimacy also works beyond the level of the mind to show you that you are once again safe.
Creating safety and connection at the same time.

You can do this through affection, by hugging each other until you’re BOTH relaxed for example.

Or lying together and deep breathing.

Or as relationship researcher John Gottman suggests, doing the six second kiss.

You need to connect to the part of you that still loves this person (trusting that you do in there somewhere) to be able to complete these suggestions.

You can even occasionally have sex to help relieve tension.

Be aware that having this kind of sex consistently drains energy from your pleasure, and from your relationship. It is much better for your sex life, and your relationship, to come to sex already relaxed and connected.

Each of these solutions are backed by scientific research.

They’re also supported by tantric philosophy that sees stress as withheld energy that needs clearing, making way for pleasure and connection to arise.

You’ll know you’ve cleared your stress because you’ll feel clear, alive, safe, ready and able to connect with the world again.

Bringing us home to ourselves, to life, and to each other again.

a couple scaling heights

If you would like support to become stress resilient in your relationships contact us here and we’ll support you in finding your unique way forward.

Couple Communication: Finding the Gifts in your Messiness

June 24, 2019 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

We often call couples communication the finer art of the shit fight.

This is because it can get messy at the speed of light!

Part of the skill in couple communication is in learning how to get better at staying out of the messiness.

Another important part is getting better at dealing with the messiness once you’re there.Couples Communication can quickly get messy

Problems in communication are usually seen as the No.1 issue in relationships.

If effective communication in an intimate relationship was easy, everybody would be doing it. But if it isn’t don’t beat yourself up. Graeme and I have been doing it with awareness for years now and we still get caught up in domestics at times!

Couples talk is particularly difficult because communication here isn’t just an exchange of information and ideas. It’s the one place we can’t avoid the messiness of feelings, emotions and deep human need.

Not to mention that we’re communicating with someone who is extremely important to us. Someone that we don’t want to lose by messing things up. We probably carry fear too, about going back into places where we’ve been hurt in the past. Or where we’ve hurt our partner.

What’s really going on when communication gets messy?

Mostly what happens in moments of painful communication is that we make what is happening wrong. We put up walls around the discomfort that occurs inside of us.

Couples CommunicationMessiness might look like ‘something being wrong’, yet despite appearances, it’s actually part of your relationship growth cycle. Much relationship conflict comes from making the messiness wrong. And from losing connection with yourself as you try to avoid the uncomfortable feelings that result.

When you lose this connection, your partner becomes the enemy and you drop into strategies of defensiveness and protection. You seek control, rather than connection and understanding.

 

“Almost 90% of all human communication comes from the (usually unconscious) need to control.”
Saying What’s Real, 7 Keys To Authentic Communication, Susan Campbell, PhD

Exploiting the truth

In our human messiness, our logical minds try to help out by rationalising our behaviour. We exploit elements of the truth to get us off the hook of hurt. Speaking from our unfelt emotion, we go to elaborate efforts to justify our position. We also get very convoluted and irrational in our story-telling.

This is because our logical minds are compartmentalised, and their separate parts come up with different points of view. They can do this at the same time, even with totally opposing ideas! We then argue as if they all make sense. We take something that’s 10% true and elaborate it with 90% bullshit to make ourselves feel ‘right’ (ie safe). Graeme and I call this ‘going down the rabbit hole’.

Going down the rabbit hole

All this story-telling creates ‘mind-generated’ feelings that are mostly irrelevant to the feeling that was originally triggered. Couples Communication- couple arguingWe’ve known couples who’d get into near-relationship-ending fights over the simplest of issues. This is because each person held tightly to their chosen 10% truth/90% bullshit story.

Get curious about the messiness in your Couple Communication

Rather than getting caught up in the messiness of your 90% bullshit and trying to understand it, try something different.  See if you can identify the strongest negative point you’re trying to make (it’s usually about your partner).

This is where the gold is in your Couple Communication.

You can tell it by the sharp increase in emotion, the increased volume in your voice. It might be the knife twist in your gut or the desire to commit some kind of physical violence.Couples Communication getting violent

When you’ve identified it, counter-intuitive though it may appear, simply notice the response in your body that it creates. You might notice you’re tensing your shoulders, contracting in fear or wanting to attack, pull away, or go blank.

Getting grounded

Take a breath in and slowly let it out again, feel your feet, get grounded in your body. Taking this deep breath helps to soften your reaction. Your body will intuitively begin to feel safe, allowing you to thoughtfully respond rather than react. Any emotional discomfort will then pass more quickly because you’re not resisting it or escalating it.

Man being groundedThis will help you intuitively identify your 10% truth in the situation. Ask yourself what you’re avoiding in yourself by pushing this point? Most likely, you’ll see that it usually involves owning something imperfect and vulnerable about yourself that you want to hide.

At this point it seems easier to own it than to face going further down the rabbit hole. This is the gift of the messiness, it helps you get real if you know where to look.

Deflating your partner’s 90%

Take a risk if you sense that your partner is getting lost in their mind’s 90% bullshit and trying to hook you into their drama. Identify and own YOUR part in the 10% truth, because it will be there.

This truth is why the two of you unconsciously chose to be in relationship with each other so take the risk and show up here.  Doing so will change the fabric of your relationship.  Telling the truth, no matter how challenging it might appear from the outside, will reward you with an inner strength that is worth the risk.

The truth in you will help your partner to reconnect with what is true in themselves, if they can hear it.

Taking a breath and getting grounded helps you get present with what you’re saying and hearing.Creating Safety in Intimacy

It helps you realise that there is nothing you really need to prove, protect, defend or hide.

When you get this, you’ll find that love arises, making it easier for you to each change what you’re saying into something useful. And to listen more clearly.

This creates greater intimacy and closeness rather than misunderstanding, pain and separation in your relationship. It allows you to see your messy couple communication as a potential gift rather than a threat.

This blog is an excerpt from our book Coming Together: Solving the Mystery of Intimate Relationship, to see it click the link.

If you would like any personal support in your Couple Communication email us here.

 

 

 

Is fear keeping you from what you’re most longing for?

October 23, 2018 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

In your relationship fear might be keeping you from:

Feeling a greater connection to, or more love from the person you’re with.

Or even more freedom in loving them.

Perhaps you long for more love or pleasure in the bedroom but you’re too scared to bring the subject up.

Most of the things we truly long for live on the other side of fear.

This place of fear was certainly true for a lovely couple who came to see us recently. But they were both able to reach inside themselves and find the place that courage lives. Now they’re reaping benefits that had been unimaginable just a few days ago.

So what if it was actually true?

That it was only your fear that was keeping you from what you most want.

If so, there IS something you can do about it.

Fear.

What does this word bring up in you?

Perhaps familiar butterflies in your stomach, a slight nausea, a crippling anxiety or possibly a deep-seated terror?

Or you might have no bodily response at all, just a mild interest in the idea.

Whatever your response is to fear you can be sure it lurks in at least a part of what’s keeping you from more of what you’re longing for.Relationship is being real with each other

Surprisingly, it’s probably not that your partner is insensitive, uncaring, selfish or uninterested.

It’s just as likely your fear is not allowing you to let them see you fully.

It seems easier, and safer, to stay behind your fears and not give them voice.

To see the situation as your partners fault.

To view your fear as your being weak, cowardly and something to be ashamed of.

Or as something too big for you to control.

What actually IS fear?

We see fear as emotional energy in your body.

Seeing feelings as energy in motionAn energy that we have a choice over how to deal with it.

Commonly we attach fear based thoughts to our fears and give them much greater power than they deserve.

Fear is part of being human and there is nothing wrong with you if you’re experiencing it.

 

In fact, fear in your body is the same thing as excitement.

You might remember the early times in your relationship, or even the ones way back in your teenage years where your fear almost felt like excitement, swinging wildly between the two in a way that was intoxicating…

The only difference is in how we manage this energy (and the stress hormones that arise along with it) in our bodies.

Tantra is freedom

In excitement we keep breathing and tell ourselves something good is going to happen.

man in mask

 

In fear we shallow our breath (or even stop breathing) and tell ourselves something bad is about to happen.

 

 

What can you do about your fear so that it no longer limits you?

  1. Understand that fear is energy in your body, one that you have control over.
  2. Come into the present moment and ask yourself if you’re in actual physical danger (which is quite rare for most of us, most of the time)? If yes, do what you need to find safety.
  3. Identify the signs of fear in your body- tension, butterflies, tingling, nausea, cold, sweating, feeling unsafe.
  4. Acknowledge them, and make them ok.
  5. Take some slow, deep breaths, imagining your body being strongly supported by the earth below you. If your body knows it has room to breathe, it knows that it is safe.
  6. If you’re in a high state of fear look closely at the palm of your hand and let it’s realness ground you.
  7. Notice the thoughts you’re choosing about your fear and whether they’re accelerating or decreasing it eg. An accelerating thought is “My partner isn’t looking at me or taking any interest in what I’m trying to do or say and this means they don’t love me”. A decelerating thought is “My partner isn’t looking at me, maybe they’re just tired and I’ll get curious and ask them”.
  8. Soothe yourself by choosing only thoughts that do the latter. This doesn’t mean living in a fairytale and imagining everything is wonderful but making some realistic choices. Feel your body responding to increased breathe and soothing thoughts.
  9. Once you have your fear under control do whatever it is you’ve been afraid to:
  • Tell your partner what’s in your heart
  • Get curious, rather than judgmental about their response, you might learn something
  • Do something for them even if it’s challenging for you, especially something they’ve been wanting from you
  • Have a conversation about sex, begin gently with some positive comments and own your concerns as yours and be open to what you might discover.

With any of these steps you’re not necessarily assured of a successful outcome.

But you definitely WILL benefit from the courage you find in yourself to make these steps happen and who knows what is possible on the other side of fear- it’s where most of the really good things in life live.

If you’re looking to take further steps to create more of what you’re longing for in your relationship why not join us for our upcoming weekend workshop Nov 9-11?

 

 

Layers of Lovemaking

December 4, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

What comes to mind when you think of making love?

Is it connection, sensuality, pleasure, excitement, orgasm, release or something else?

Is it one or two of these things, or all of them? oral sex lover

Do you even call it making love? Or for you is it having sex, getting laid, rolling in the hay, even hiding the banana in the fruit salad?  Apparently there are over 400 different words we have for this one act and what you like to call it can give you some clues as to the layers in it for you.

Think about it, no matter what you call it or do with it, making love is a multilayered ritual going on all around the world, in each country, city and town in each moment and has been since the beginning of time, no other human ritual is as primal as this one.

Here we identify the many layers that make up making love so you can see what is in it for you right now and what else you might like to explore:

The 9 layers of Lovemaking:

  1. Arousal is the awakening of your physical sexual response- that hot, tingling, aliveness in your body, commonly accompanied by body tension.
  2. Desire- the strong feeling of wanting to make love that can come from a thousand different places, often varying each time ie. the desire to feel pleasure, connection, wanted, ravished, to take or be taken, nurtured, loved, released etc.
  3. Eroticism: the actions intending to arouse sexual desire.
  4. Sensuality is gratification of the five senses- sight, sound, smell, taste and touch, which can involve sexual pleasure but is not limited to it.
  5. High states of arousal can equally be found in high levels of relaxation when activated by the breath.
  6. Emotional connection though the sharing of intimacy and love within sex.
  7. Polarity play between masculine and feminine energies of action/dominance/penetration and beingness/surrender/receptivity.
  8. Orgasm is where sexual pleasure rises to a peak, explodes and then subsides, with or without pelvic floor muscle contrations. During the explosive peak there is an experience of “little death’ or loss of the Ego rational mind, a moment of freedom from the idea of Self.
  9. Transcendence where we go beyond the conditioned mind into a spiritual like state of freedom, being or bliss.

How would you choose to bring in new layers to what you’re currently experiencing?Spiritual Lovemaking with Tantra

If you would like some support in doing so contact us here and begin the conversation about what might be possible!

Best Ever Intimacy & Sex

August 22, 2017 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

This means dealing with the great debilitator – shame…

You wouldn’t think that a relationship built on mutual love and pleasure would have anything to do with the most icky and Man in shameuncomfortable feeling we as humans are emotionally capable of would you, Yet it does! This feeling is shame. In intimate relating we find ample opportunities for both creating shame and for healing it, particularly in our sexual intimacy. Dealing positively with shame will take your intimacy and sexual pleasure to a whole new place.

What actually is shame? Shame is a feeling of going blank or numb, of wanting to hide, to disappear, even cease to exist. Shame carries thoughts of being wrong, or not good enough in some way, even in every way. The pain of shame is what causes us to disconnect from ourselves, our power and our light, to be less than who we are. Shame is one of the great unspokens in the world and it’s not actually intimacy we fear but the shame that lies within it.. Deny it though we might, shame is alive and well under our shiny, all together surfaces to one degree or another.

It is this belief in our innate wrongness or inadequacy that creates our deepest blocks to real intimacy (in-to-me-see).

     Intimacy and the potential for shame coexist. To create intimacy, we need to expose ourselves, leaving us open to feeling shame. Shame disconnects us from ourselves, and we can only create intimacy with another to the extent we’re connected with ourselves. All the love and best intentions in the world cannot prevent moments of shame simply because in intimacy you have two different people seeking to connect their differences in the one place in order to be seen, understood, respected and loved. Our fear of shame keeps us from seeking the intimate connection we crave. It also prevents our surrendering fully to pleasure.

The joke here is that all of us are wrong.

Humans are about as imperfect a species as you can get! Yet it is in our imperfections that our perfections lie, it’s where we find as much of a meeting place as in the love and perfection we strive for. Shame is about wanting to hide, so it makes sense that healing shame is through its opposite- through openly sharing ourselves with another, inviting love into our shame.

Shame can be healthy of course, it is important to acknowledge the shame we feel when we’ve done something wrong so we’re motivated to correct it. What we refer to here is toxic shame that serves no real purpose apart from separating us from who we are.

For some, shame is a blip on the radar, for others it is a daily nightmare. Our shame gives us our core beliefs, even if we would rather die than admit to them.

Core beliefs such as:

  • I am wrong/bad
  • I’m not good enough/not enoughWomen are losing interest in bed and saying no
  • I’m not important
  • I’m not loved/wanted
  • I don’t matter
  • I’m a failure
  • I’m invisible
  • I’m unworthy/worthless
  • I’m powerless/unsafe
  • I’m alone/don’t belong
  • I’m different/crazy
  • I’m too much
  • I’m bad for wanting to be sexual

In our desire to avoid the icky, uncomfortable feeling of shame we understandably develop an armoury of strategies to keep us safe from it.

Shame Avoidance Strategies:

  • Intellectualizing, staying in our mind keeps us safe
  • Tensing up and contracting in our bodies
  • Disconnecting from ourselves to avoid feeling
  • Not breathing, or breathing shallowlyBoy in shame
  • Focussing on things outside of ourselves such as work, kids, social media
  • Avoiding our sexuality or having sex in a tense and defensive way
  • Dumping our shame on others through criticizing, judging or shaming them
  • Going into anger, fear or sadness to mask our shame
  • Numbing ourselves with any number of addictions to avoid intimacy
  • Seeking to be perfect as in perfection there is no shame (even though perfection is unattainable)
  • Being unwilling to trust each other, for if we don’t reach out there is no risk of shame
  • Keeping ourselves small, not taking risks, keeping our mask of persona firmly intact and not allowing our real selves to be seen
  • Not having boundaries- not having to say no, allowing our partners to steam roll us
  • Being in our Super Hero- when we’re larger than life shame can’t find us

Shame Busting Activities:

 It’s vital to know that avoiding shame is avoiding relationship, it’s avoiding intimacy and sexual pleasure beyond our wildest dreams. So what can we do to minimize the impact shame has on our intimate relationships? As you’ve seen, avoiding shame doesn’t work. Instead, try playing with some of these shame busters that will help you reconnect with yourself…

  1. Play with becoming empowered in shame. The next time you feel embarrassed or shamed rather than making it wrong, turn it around and make it ok. Connect with the feeling, move towards it and say to yourself ‘It’s ok to feel shame’, as making shame ok helps to disempower it. Take a few deep breaths and let the embarrassment flow out of you. If you can stay present with it, even if just for a few moments, and know that it is connecting you with your humanity and your core self, your shame will shift into love.
  2. Take risks with shame- where you want to close be willing to open, where you want to hide be willing to show up and deal with your shame as in no.1.
  3. Share some, or all of your shame story with your partner (or a non judgemental friend). Own it as your experience. Sharing with another helps you get reconnected to your humanity. Remember staying open to the feeling as you share allows shame to shift.Intimate sexuality
  4. If your partner shames you, take control by agreeing with them! Say ‘yes, sometimes I can be an idiot’ or whatever they’re attempting to lay on you and have a laugh at it, find the freedom in your humanity! The power lies with the one who can laugh at and accept themselves as the truly are.
  5. Because our sexuality is layered in cultural and personal shame being willing to own your sexuality as a positive thing is a HUGE shame buster. Own your sexuality by believing it is beautiful, even sacred, giving yourself permission to have pleasure, create it for yourself and sharing it. Rather than blocking shame out and locking it into your body, feel any that comes up during sex and move beyond it, allowing your sexual energy to flow more freely.
  6. Shame busting will also make it easier to reduce your own shaming behaviours (and yes, we ALL have them) because in not running away from your own shame you’ll know directly how bad it feels. Reducing shaming behaviours in your relationship will make it a happier, more respectful and loving place to be.
  7. When you want to act out an addiction feel the shame that lies beneath it, release it then make a choice about your behaviour from a clearer place.

So are you ready to bust shame in your relationship (and in your life)? The gifts are never ending…

 

 

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