infidelity Archives - Relationship & Sexuality Counselling Specialists

Infidelity is one of the last remaining taboos in relationship.

We have greater flexibility in the way relationships look than ever before yet somehow infidelity still packs the biggest wallop…

It is SO painful to find out your partners been involved with another for it occurs in the most personal and intimate parts of what you thought was your relationship. It’s a huge blow to our self esteem, especially if it becomes public. Even more so in modern relationships which are almost totally based on romantic or personal love. Infidelity feels like the ultimate form of rejection and shame.

These are the questions in infidelity that roll around in our heads:

For the person who has been betrayed:

How could they have done this to me? To us? Don’t they love me anymore? What have I done wrong? Am I just not good enough? How dare they?

For the person who’s had the affair the thoughts can be just as painful:

How could I have hurt the person that I love most in the world? How could I have been such a cheat? How could I have kept going on as I was before my affair?

Infidelity is a real blow to the ideal of ‘happy ever after’, it cuts right to the heart of relationship.

And the other question both people are asking: Can I/we get over this?

Deciding whether to work on your relationship or head out the door is the choice you now face.

It often seems easier to bolt out the door but it isn’t necessarily in the long run. Understanding the dynamics of affairs in general, and in your relationship in particular will help you make a healthier decision.

The first thing to understand about affairs is:

They trigger a huge amount of shame, of feeling wrong for both the doer and one who’s been done to. Shame is one of the most uncomfortable feelings of all to deal with. It makes us want to curl up inside and disappear because we feel so wrong! It’s important to remember that shame IS just a feeling and when we recognise it and see it for what it is, being willing to make it ok, we can reduce its intensity enough to see what is going on more clearly we're just friends

Affairs are not new, they’ve have been around as long as relationships. It seems as humans they’re hard to avoid. People in otherwise ‘happy’ relationships also have affairs. Even people in so called ‘open’ relationships have them. Perhaps the very ideal of relationship, of coupledom invites the situation- from being so much ‘the couple’ people having affairs report striking out for something that is just ‘theirs’.

That’s the second important thing to know.

It’s important to see, even in your hurt, that the affair probably wasn’t done to hurt you.

People having affairs don’t so much turn away from their partners as much as look for something missing in themselves. Affairs are less about the actual sex than about the desire to want/feel wanted, to feel special, important, to find the mystery of having what is forbidden.

And especially to feel fully alive again.

People having affairs often feel disconnected from their partner, in relationship but not really relating
Being bored in their lives OR in their relationship
Not feeling sexually desired or desirable
Not able to discuss this with their partner to find a way forward in the relationship
They might feel undervalued by their partner, unneeded or overwhelmed by their partners needs

Finding that feeling of edgy aliveness, that can become addictive and hard to give up, even when the affair is no longer so ‘hot’. A feeling it seems impossible to find in the existing relationship that’s settled into a place of routine.

Occasionally there might be a more serious inability to sustain relationship at all that results in repeated affairs and requires more serious attention.

Affairs seem to be the attractive solution to the all of above issues.

So what should you do in this situation?

You have to be able to let go of the need for punishing your partner and playing the role of victim (as tempting as it might appear to pour acid over their car or expose them as a traitor on Facebook) as this is going to destroy any chance of your re-establishing a healthy dynamic.
Know that you are the only one that can heal YOUR hurt because it is inside you. It is your choice to hold onto it or not. Your partner cannot do this for you, only you can. Part of this healing is taking a look at ways you might have contributed, not to the affair, but to the place in your relationship that made the affair a possibility. Infidelity comes in many forms- addictions, overwork, over focussing on the children at the expense of the relationship, even sport and being on lots of committees. Betrayal can come in the form of indifference, avoidance, criticism, sarcasm and manipulation. Finding your contribution is an essential but not easy thing to do when we feel so wronged. But once there is more understanding forgiveness can begin to happen.
Your partner CAN help by showing genuine remorse for the hurt you’re feeling. Sometimes they may not feel real remorse for the affair itself. This is when it has brought new aliveness, new clarity in the individual who has had the affair. And where it brings new potential in your existing relationship, bringing things out in the open that were otherwise killing it. It can be hard for the person hurting in the infidelity to see but this can be where the most potential lies for healing.
Your partner can also help by being willing to restore and maintain the boundaries in your relationship in order to rebuild your trust. Remember this is only part of the healing, if this is all that happens it is not a solution, it’s a time bomb waiting to go off.
You need to resolve the underlying issues that led to the affair. Discover what led to the choice being made and what can you each do to prevent the situation happening again. And find the things that you value about your relationship with each other. Learn how you can bring the aliveness, the freedom, the connection, the mystery into your own relationship.

The outcome of an affair is up to both of you.

Sometimes an affair is simply the outward sign of a relationship that needs to end.

More often it can be the beginning of something stronger than ever before.

It won’t be as easy as walking out the door but the rewards can be many.

So, can you get over infidelity?

Possibly.

Should you try? Most definitely.

To deal with the affair and at least try to move forward is actually far braver and harder than just giving up and leaving.

Oztantra have a number of ways to support you in doing just that, including our Online Relationship Course

A Fantasy Game That is Safer Than Porn…

The recent and deliberate hacking into Ashley Madison accounts and the exposure of millions of people is bad enough, but to do that and then deliberately shame both men and women I believe, is beyond the pale.

And, what is wrong if men and women, and particularly men who comprised nearly 95% of account holders, choose to indulge in a little fantasy game, which by the way is very different to cheating.

As long as they are being respectful of themselves, their relationship and those they interact with, then I believe this is a safer and less harmful avenue for sexual exploration than porn or having a fling, simply because it is about interacting with real people.

And according to Ashley Madison the business, very few actually hook up.

I am writing this as a man, who has played this exploration game and also as a statistic because, I am one of those who wasn’t very “successful” in their terms.

I shared my desire with my partner, with what was on my mind, and we had the inevitable “aren’t I good enough for you etc etc” conversation.

Before this conversation, I was feeling guilty and confused over what I was feeling.

I found this conversation challenging, because it would have been so easy for me to simply allow my shame to control me and shut me down emotionally, with the inevitable consequences. It was challenging to own this part of me that was curious, especially as I was absolutely clueless with what to do with it. All I wanted was to be able to meet women, feel my sexuality and talk.

Sex was the fantasy, I realised later.

So I wrote my profile and showed it to my partner. She laughed and said “you’re not serious”, so I invited her to re write it and when I read it, I said “you’re joking….”

I found this process incredibly liberating. Anyway, after much discussion and editing my profile finally hit the internet.

I waited, and waited, checked and rechecked.

After a few days and some nibbles, I soon realized that the main interest was from gay men.

This was definitely not in my game plan although my partner was greatly amused.

I was actually relieved, as I am not sure how I would have been if a female had actually wanted to meet me. This taught me about that part of me that desires sex, but not with just any one. My curiosity coupled with my desire for sex was intense and I am hugely grateful for my opportunity to have this experience.

I enjoyed the excitement of playing the game.

It was a dance, as women wanted relationship and men wanted sex, and my profile, while being honest in desiring connection and communication, didn’t fare too well.

I found it intriguing talking with several women with whom I did manage to exchange message’s, although I began to imagine and empathize with how the dog would feel if he actually caught the car… I definitely wasn’t after relationship and outside sex was more of a fantasy than a reality for me, I soon realised I just wanted to play the game.

Playing the Game

Playing this game worked for me personally, and for my relationship, as I was able to safely validate my curiosity in a positive way and also feel validation of this part of me from my partner.

Plus, it was much more fun than the one sidedness of porn.

How many men out there in the “Ashley Madison Scandal” were seeking something more real than porn, but didn’t know how to go about it. How many partners would feel really challenged if their man spoke out and said this also appealed to him ?

The real tragedy with this whole Ashley Madison hacking saga is what’s missing and what’s not being said.

The lack of debate has created a vacuum that is allowing the so called marriage police to wield their out dated and mostly bigoted opinions, and imagine the shock and horror if some of these bigots also got caught up in this hack and were exposed….

With so much opportunity available to potentially hook up with others outside your relationship, it is vital that you and your partner talk about this. Having these desires is not wrong, instead it’s an ideal opportunity to check in with yourself, your partner and your relationship and have a f…g conversation about where you’re at and get real with each other.

It is empowering to consciously choose to step out of fear and shame and use this conversation to deepen your relationship. and you never know, your partner might have these same desires too. Or if she can feel you in it she may be more open to sharing your journey in it.

I agree, it is scary that all these profiles have been leaked, but it should never be allowed to threaten relationships. The real threat to any relationship is the avoidance of this type of conversation, because these feelings of curiosity exist to some extent in all of us and must be talked about.

It is Important to Talk About Curiosity

Not talking about curiosity, sexual attraction and other challenging topics in a relationship doesn’t mean these feelings are absent, it just means they more likely playing out covertly, which is the real danger. Covertness is intensely corrosive in any relationship, and if left alone usually results in resentment, infidelity or breach of trust of some description.

I also believe this is a big part of why porn is so attractive, because it fills this void and is easy to be covert about.

Playing this online game was hugely challenging for me, a real game changer in how I am in my relationship with my partner, because if I chose to close down the fire that comes from curiosity in others, I also close it down with my partner. This aspect is a challenging mind game for most men to deal with in a healthy way, that they can own fully and doesn’t require them to sacrifice a beautiful part of being masculine.

Affairs for men happen because of this mind game, that their natural masculine curiosity is wrong and if they’re in relationship, they must shut it down. So much of current religious doctrine, feminine and cultural opinion paints this as being evil, wrong and a sin. Sound familiar ?

If you have kids and one or both of you work long hours with life generally intruding on your chosen relationship, then it is time to change and do something different, and simply having this conversation is a great start. If you don’t talk about it, most likely your partner will, and somewhere else and probably in a way that may not support your vision or direction that you have intended for your relationship.

Generally speaking, in relationship men are usually focused on being the provider/bread winner, which is a powerful masculine force and only really second in line to sexual life force. If a man is suppressing this sexual part of himself, his partner will feel it and usually feel isolated or abandoned by him. In response to suppressing his sexuality, men usually focus on whats next, which is provider/breadwinner.

This is also one of the main reasons why women leave a relationship, they can’t feel their man, because he has closed this essential part of himself down. When this happens, most men are confused, because they have provided, stayed faithful and feel devastated. Women also feel confused, because he did that part well, she couldn’t feel him, as his sexual life force/heart connection was subdued.

When in relationship, men feel and believe their feelings of attraction to others is wrong and close it down. Any man who cultivates this aspect of themselves will receive very little support or validation, as most women feel threatened by their man’s interest in others, or porn or any other form of gratification (because of their own conditioning about this part of themselves). This is what the Ashley Madison hackers deliberately targeted, by exposing and shaming this part of men.

Men can still fulfil their breadwinner role, but they can also turbo charge their sexual life force energy as well. It is a modern fact of life that there are more opportunities to meet other people that we may feel sexually attracted too. It is a beautifully healthy part of being human to simply feel and enjoy this attraction and aliveness and then bring it home to share with your partner.

Talking about this is totally different to actually doing anything or acting it out. Most people who talk about this rarely venture any further, and if they do, it is a mutual decision and choice. Having this conversation is real, alive and very powerful, and much better than porn, affairs or simply closing down emotionally and sexually then sulking about it.

I suppose my profile has been leaked, although it was a long time ago, but then, I really don’t care.

If this issue is real for you and you desire support, we are easily contacted, either phone (Aust), email or skype. You will be amazed at how easily and naturally this part of your relationship can be brought to life.

A simple skype/phone or face to face session will open up this pathway for you in your relationship, with a professional couple, who are not only qualified counsellors, but have also experienced this as well.

Call us TOLL FREE 1800 TANTRA (826 872), email link

P.S…
The good news, and as a former Victorian, that in the global stakes, Sydney was right up there in terms of numbers of Ashley Madison accounts, with Melbourne poised not far behind, ready to dethrone Sydney (again). For those non Aussies, Sydney has been “king” for ever, and Melbourne is consistently and successfully challenging Sydney’s supremacy on sooo many fronts…

(no correspondence will be entered into..)

Infidelity: Can you recover?