Are You Overcontrolling In Bed?
And is it limiting your sex life?
Sexual pleasure is about freedom, expansion and surrendering control. Ultimately it is about moving beyond the control of the mind into the freedom of just being. When it’s not happening for us in sex we can get into the habit of overcontrolling in bed ie. micromanaging our experience. You know, where we’re trying to make it happen by taking long enough, getting rid of our thoughts, holding our body in the right way, getting our lovers to do A-Z in the right order for the right length of time in the right way…we can have a whole ritual of what needs to happen before we think we can go there. The trouble is all of this puts us in the opposite place to where pleasure happens- in our analytical minds judging what is or is not happening. What we’re looking for doesn’t live there. Controlling our lover in this way doesn’t allow them to connect with their own place of freedom either, further limiting the potential of your sexual space.
How to find our freedom from overcontrolling in bed:
- Drop using any techniques that are about cranking your pleasure up for the moment.
- Go underneath your desire to control and be willing to just feel what is there instead.
- Feel what is there without judgment because this allows you to shift out of control.
- Give yourself permission to be sexual. As silly as it sounds it works. We can have a whole lot of shame that keeps our body numb to pleasure and saying YES to this part of ourselves helps us burn it away. Keep saying “I give myself permission to be sexual and love it” until you feel a shift in your body.
- You might just feel resistance at first, if you do this is a good thing because it means you’re in the right place. Keep going.
- Let yourself feel desire in you, drop needing it to be about your lover. Bring it home to yourself as this is where your power lives.
Have a play with what will help you give yourself permission outside the bedroom as well.
- Spend a little time naked at home.
- Dance to some highly sexual music until you can embody it in yourself.
- Buy a very erotic outfit and wear it in front of your mirror until you can feel yourself embodying inside you what it represents.
- Take some risks: try some simple flirting with your lover (or someone else), make eyes at your lover, say sexy things, expose parts of your body for a moment, feel what is happening for you inside yourself as you do so and let it move through you.
- Self pleasure in front of a mirror and acknowledge this part of yourself.
- Gain control in a healthy way by consciously playing with your breath- short and fast, long and slow, all combinations.
- If you want to be in control in sex set it up with your lover and get their permission to do it consciously, playing with your power can help free up where your power lies in shadow.
If you’re a soft, heart open, “spiritual” person and this sounds completely inappropriate or the opposite to what you’re looking for in our experience it isn’t. Sex has a very powerful shadow and to be fully in your heart and expanded into your higher self you need to learn to deal with it. And dealing with it in a healthy way is seeing and owning it. There is also a lot of energy in our sexuality, it’s our life force energy, so the more we consciously access it the more we have to transmute into love and light.
And having a good time whilst you’re doing it!
If you would like to find out more about finding freedom and greater pleasure in the bedroom email or call us on 1800 TANTRA