Relationship & Sexuality Counselling Specialists

OZ tantra are Relationship Counselling Specialists

  • About
    • About Oz Tantra – Tantric Relationship Advice
    • About Graeme Sudholz
    • About Annette Baulch
    • Oztantra Media
    • Speakers Page
  • Relationship Counselling
    • Coming Together Book: Solving The Mystery of Intimate Sex and Relationship
    • Hot Relationship Topics
    • Relationship Counselling
      • Couples Ultimate Getaway Byron Bay
      • Oz Tantra On Line Relationship Course
      • Oztantra V.I.P
    • Online Relationship Counselling
  • Sex
    • Coming Together Book Contents
    • Hot Sex Topics
    • Sex Counselling
    • Sexual Healing
      • Healing Sexual Abuse
      • Yoni Healing for Women
      • Lingam Healing
      • Beat Your Porn Addiction With Tantra
    • What is Tantric Sex REALLY Like?
      • Tantric Coaching online
      • Couples Tantra Sessions
      • Individual Tantra Sessions for Women
      • Individual Tantra Sessions for Men
    • What Is Tantra?
    • How Tantra Prevents Boredom in the Bedroom…
    • Preventing Premature Ejaculation
      • Multi Orgasmic Man
      • Tantric Sex for Men – Podcasts
      • Separating Ejaculation and Orgasm
    • Gspot
  • Events
    • Couples Ultimate Getaway Byron Bay
    • Workshop Schedule
    • Retreats
      • Ecstasy and Intimacy Couples Retreat Bali
      • Couples Retreat Australia Ecstasy & Intimacy
      • Private Couples Retreats
    • Weekend Workshops
      • Power of Yoni – Explore the essence of who you are as a woman
      • Sexuality of the Heart
      • Oz Tantra On Line Relationship Course
      • Oztantra V.I.P
  • Blogs
    • Oztantra Blog
    • Previous Blog Posts
    • Videos
    • Tantric Lover Podcasts
  • Contact
    • Contact Us – Annette and Graeme at Oz Tantra
  • Articles
    • Articles
    • Hot Relationship Topics
    • Blog’s
    • Hot Sex Topics

Sisters Doin It For Themselves

June 30, 2015 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Are we as women blocking an important pathway to pleasure?

Is it time we became Sisters Doin It For Themselves?woman daydreaming download

In my younger years, my prevailing belief about a woman’s sexual pleasure was, to find the perfect lover who would magically make it all happen as he opened my body to unimaginable heights of pleasure with stars of love in my eyes.  This belief is at least partially inspired by romance novels with lines like “He gazed passionately into her eyes before leaning in to kiss her, his tongue expertly caressing her depths, instantly awakening flames of passion deep inside of her” etc etc.

Women have been subtly (and not so subtly) conditioned by society to the idea that it is a man’s ‘job’ to ‘provide for Matthew Mcconaugheyhis woman’, unconsciously encouraging her to see the male lover as the one holding the power and prowess in the bedroom. But does it have to be this way? One of my recent Hollywood idols (yes, there still lives a teenager inside me!) Matthew McConnaughey (think Magic Mike) was dethroned in a live interview on The Actors Studio (see You Tube) by his wife Camila when she stated she wished occasionally when Matthew was home that he behaved more like the ‘throw her against the wall and ravish her’ kind of guy he portrays in his movies! Matthew grins and agrees.

This is a good reminder that men are simply perfectly imperfect human beings, just like us, not necessarily Gods in the bedroom.

This deeply infectious conditioning is also supported by our biology, as our sexuality is experienced through the body’s autonomic nervous system. The challenge of the autonomic nervous system response is that it works largely beyond the mind’s conscious control where we can’t ‘will’ it to happen, as anyone trying to ‘force’ arousal or orgasm to happen very quickly discovers. This is where we as women have traditionally handed control of our pleasure, often idealized as the woman’s surrender, over to her lover.

Yet this idea of the man being the sole provider of our pleasure can be a very one hard to give up.shadow self shutterstock_14525749 sm

But ladies it is time to do exactly that if your attachment to this romantic scenario is getting in the way of your pleasure. For when you’re pining for the perfect partner who can effortlessly make it all happen you’re making yourself miserable over something that doesn’t actually exist.

There is no doubt about it, that we can experience our lovers as perfect at different times but it’s the idea that we need them to be like this always that gets in the way.

It’s very similar for a guy watching porn who fantasizes about the endlessly and effortlessly horny, wet and willing woman on the screen.  If a woman believes she cannot experience pleasure without the perfect partner to do it for her, then she is totally giving her sexual power away. She is putting her focus and energy outside of herself and losing her voice to express what she wants and desires in the process.

In conscious lovemaking a woman really understands that pleasure is a co created experience and that she herself has much to bring. Women’s bodies take time, safety, relaxation and surrender, but can we also give it to ourselves? Where surrender is not so much to the skill of our lover but instead into surrender of our thinking minds to our feeling hearts and bodies, when we let go of trying, pushing, forcing and simply be in the moment open to pleasure arising.

Trusting, loving ourselves and our bodies, giving ourselves loving messages rather than critical self judgement. Feeling our own safety inside of us, wanting and desiring to be there and indirectly activating our autonomic nervous system whilst we’re at it!

When our partners are able to join us in this place of loving, wanting and desiring us, helping us feel loved, beautiful and safe it definitely enhances the impact of our efforts.

Yet if we are closed, untrusting of ourselves and our pleasure, physically tense and in self judgement, then the touch we experience literally feels much less pleasurable or maybe even intolerable.

Female SexualityThe autonomic nervous system is very sensitive and requires nurturing. This is where it is important for us to know our own bodies, to be familiar with them through self pleasure, to not only know what they are capable of, but to love spending time there because if we are unwilling to spend time with ourselves, then how can we expect anyone else to?

In lovemaking with another it is absolutely OK to include touching your own body, for the pure pleasure of it, to co create.

If we’re not hoping or demanding that he totally looks after us, then the more your lover can soften and drop into his own feeling body, opening his own heart, deepening his yumminess and his presence with us, sharing the role of lover and co creating the experience.

Ways to claim your sexual power and enhance your pleasure:

  1. Take the time to stop, breathe, relax, connect with your own feeling body at the beginning.
  2. Trust that if you can be fully present in your body and open to whatever pleasure may arise then pleasure will happen. This trust activates your autonomic nervous system to do its magical work.
  3. Drop trying to perform as it will take you away from where you want to be.
  4. Believe how you are is perfect right now. Focus on how you feel rather than how you look.
  5. Allow self touch to be part of your lovemaking, not as a fallback position but as a joy. If your partner sees you he will likely be inspired to join in, once he knows it works for you.
  6. Connect with your heart, be how you are rather than how you think you (or your lover) thinks you should be.
  7. Allow any emotions to be felt, even if they feel inappropriate to the moment- as feeling them opens up new pathways to pleasure. Breathe, feel and allow.

 

And Baby Makes 3…

May 13, 2015 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

BAby makes 3 Parents and childHaving a baby together is one of the most important gifts you are going to share with your life partner. So how do you make the most of the gifts and the obvious, or maybe not so obvious, challenges in this part of your relationship when baby makes 3?

Are you as new (or even newish) parents struggling to reconnect in your relationship? Perhaps you’re feeling tired, uninspired with little resentments, fights or cold wars building an increasing level of distance between you, no matter how much good will you want to show?

As Mum are you:

– feeling overwhelmed at the awesome responsibility you are faced with and how you will cope with it?

– feeling resentful instead of loving when your partner comes in from a day out and about in the ‘real’ world?

– totally over having someone wanting to touch your breasts after breast feeding all day?

– scared that you won’t ever feel desire for your partner again?

– believing that you r partner just has to tolerate your shift in priorities?

– After experiencing the amazing power of birth are you sensing that there is something more to sex but getting caught in the same old boring routine each time it does happen?

– Will you ever find yourself as a unique individual again?

As a Dad are you:

–  tired of getting rejected sexually?

– scared sex won’t ever go back to the way it used to be?

– feeling both awed and overwhelmed by the responsibility you feel and driven to spend extra time at work to ‘provide fully’ for your family?

– have fear around balancing responsibility vs independence?

– feeling challenged at being sexual with this ‘mum’ type person?

– Frustrated at helping your partner relax and come ‘first’ then having a mere moment or two of pleasure yourself at the end of the night?

We just want to know that these are all normal or at least very common experiences of new parents, all amongst the joy and wonder of being a new parent.

If this is you then read on here for some suggestions that will help, even if it is just knowing you’re not alone….

When baby makes 3 there isn’t a rule book, you are making your own.

Lots of people will want to give you well meant advice, plus there are zillions of articles and hundreds of books out there with helpful suggestions but see that ultimately it is your relationship to make it work your way.

There is a time in the early days when you both do just have to grin and bare it, whilst being as loving to yourselves and each other as you manage.

It is important for the long run however you both make a commitment to recreating ‘adult’ time in your relationship,Parenta and children this includes both in intimacy as well as sexually otherwise there is an unhealthy wedge inserted between you. Your relationship needs to support your child (children) not be totally dominated by it.

Arrange babysitting weekly or fortnightly so you can have a couple of hours just to be together. You might just want to take a stroll or go for a coffee, the idea is that it is your time. If babysitting is difficult see if there are other parents you can swap ‘time out’ with. Even this simple beginning can help bring back some of those ‘old’ feelings of desire for each other. 

Open communication

Making the time to talk about your post baby expectations, fears and desires makes a big difference by establishing a clearer understanding of each other. Communicate by asking open ended questions, focus on talking about what you fear/desire for yourself, then ask your partner about their own desires etc.

It’s ok to express your frustration as releasing anger energy promotes passion. Just make sure you own it as your anger about you, without projecting onto your partner.

Don’t expect your partner to communicate the same way as you

These are tender topics and communication styles differ, especially between the male/female dynamic. Be prepared to listen to what IS being said, rather than having set expectations. Know that men DO feel they just don’t have the same language or social permission to express it, assuming this can help you see them more clearly.

Make it a shared journey.

Sometimes it is easy to forget when the focus is all on the mother and what is happening for her just how big an impact becoming a parent will be having on the father as well. Motherhood is still one of the most revered roles in our society, subtly reinforced in many different ways from adverts with only ‘mother and baby’ images to Babycare books referring to things ‘Mother’ can do when the child is ill. Even more so than Fatherhood, although this is rightly changing as fathers become more directly involved in their children’s daily lives.  It’s important to know this imbalance can be reflected in the husband/wife dynamic if the father role is not fully acknowledged. For even though your partner doesn’t physically carry and give birth to your baby becoming a parent also brings in life altering changes for them, just like you.

Discuss post baby sex!
Sex is going to look a little different for a while after your baby arrives. The main thing you need is to talk about it and have a plan, otherwise there is the potential for your baby to take over the place where the sex used to be.

Talk with them about:

  • How sex is important to you and ultimately you DO want it to be a part of your ongoing relationship
  • There being initially a time when you’re just not up for it, due to your hormones rebalancing themselves, sleep deprivation, healing episiotomy scars, feeding issues etc and this is normal
  • How things like doing the dishes, tidying up, bathing the baby or answering the phone to their mother will become active parts of foreplay!
  • As does supporting your partner to have her own time and space to reconnect with her individual self, a reminder of who she is besides being a mum can help restore libido, as well as your desire for her sexual self.

Bringing Your Sexy Back For Women Post BabyKissing couple

Once you’ve adjusted to your new routine and you are physically recovering you may like to explore some of the following ideas:

  • Understand that a woman’s body may feel different post baby, just explore it without judgement. You may feel different too, more comfortable, powerful or tentative. Whatever it is know that your sexy, desirable woman is still there she just needs time to come out. Your partner knows this and is likely to be very willing to support you in this.
  • Feeling sexual is about feeling connected to your sense of self so finding ways for you to regain your sense of YOU will help nurture this part of you. Identify what is it that most makes you feel you and find ways to experience that- going for a walk, meditating, coffee with your girlfriends, time to shop for yourself, do your hobby or have an afternoon at a spa.
  • Having your partner reminding you that you are a sexual being by helping you get back into your sexual feelings eg. stroking/kissing the back of your neck or inner arms, massaging your feet, hugging you from behind (without touching breasts) and connecting your hearts. This only works without having an agenda to turn it into instant sex, think bigger picture goal and just enjoy the moment.
  • Try just lying together with your hand resting on his cock and his hand resting on your heart, maybe even as you go to sleep. This validates the sexual connection between you.
  • Know that you may be initially more interested in connecting sex than performance sex- going slower, relaxing, taking your time than highly erotic, hot and heavy type sex.
  • If you’re not up for making love yourself perhaps you could you lie next to your partner whilst they self pleasure, how would you/they be with that?
  • Understand that in this place arousal can come before desire. This means that actually creating some pleasure through touch (or feeling your partner’s pleasure) can assist your own desire for making love to arise.
  • Practicing Daily Devotion- a Tantric practice that is about connection rather than outcome. There is no foreplay and no orgasm. Use a side by side or scissors position. Use just enough lubrication to enable penetration then sl movement to maintain connection for 10-20 mins. Mostly just relax, breathe and feel what is, hug to complete. This is a great way to re establish the sexual energy between you. If not daily then as often as possible.

Talk about your potential parenting styles

You might not think it but you will probably have differences in the way you ‘parent’ your child. These differences will be reflections of the way you were brought up yourselves. Discuss the differences in your upbringing and see how this might look. Decide if you want to negotiate and present a united front, or be willing to let each parent be responsible for the consequences of their individual choices

As we mentioned having a baby is one of the most life changing and important things two people can do together. It is vital that you plan to have your relationship come out on top along with it.

If you would like some assistance with getting reconnected after baby makes 3 (or more) in your life, whether it is recently or even months or years ago contact us for a Skype session or even a visit for a face to face reconnection session!

Call 1800 TANTRA or email here

Got to Hot Relationship Topics

Return to Homepage

Foreplay can Ruin Great Sex

April 18, 2015 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Relationship Killer: Foreplay as the ruination of great sex

Foreplay- defined as what you do in preparation for the real thing- sex.

It will, if all goes well, get you some good sex.Tantric Intimacy

Yet in order to have really satisfying, even memorable sex foreplay (unless you spend hours and even days at it like like Christian Gery and let’s face it who does that?) is more likely to get in the way.

Foreplay creates an implicit power struggle that limits and separates the lovers rather than uniting them. It becomes a doing with predetermined outcomes along with increased expectations and a high potential for mere performance or disappointment. In other words it activates the egos in your relationship.

Foreplay happens when…

both of you are at your most vulnerable, when you’re beginning to be naked physically, emotionally and sexually. This is the time when your ego is most fearful and most wants to protect you from being embarrassed or made wrong!

It is not so much what happens in foreplay that creates the problem it is the mindset that goes with it, this idea that foreplay is the lead up to the main game. It means there is a goal oriented agenda towards what IS the main game, thereby creating a need to get somewhere.

We commonly believe that ‘foreplay’ is for women and real ‘sex’ is for the man. This ignites a not so subtle power struggle, focussing each in their minds thinking about what they should be giving or getting, disconnecting them from their feelings and blocking enjoyment.

There is also the vital question of how much foreplay is enough, and who gets to decide?

All of this limits the ease and openness that makes being sexual in your relationship feel so great in the first place.

For a man foreplay can:

Be seen as something he needs to give in order to get his ‘real’ pleasure. Or that he needs to ‘give’ his partner an orgasm first to be a good lover.
So he creates a plan of action in order to get to his goal, and his focus is on getting his partner ‘ready’.End your frustration
His level of skill and confidence will determine his degree of enjoyment and performance pressure.
Sub consciously he can carry resentment at this having to focus on her and hold himself back.
He may have fear of failing to get his partner aroused, or of enjoying it so much he doesn’t last long enough for the ‘main game’. With his focus on his partner he is less aware of, or able to relax and enjoy his own experience.
Carrying this weight of success on his shoulders can reduce his interest in trying again.

For a woman foreplay can:

Feel like foreplay is something she needs to do to ‘get ready’ for penetration.
This puts her into her own performance pressure with the feeling that the clock is ticking, putting her in her head ‘trying to get there’, creating tension in her body and stress from her overactive mind, the total opposite of the relaxation she needs.Sexual Shame
If she has a belief it’s the man’s job to get her aroused it leaves her cold or pissed off if he doesn’t/can’t do so. This can stop her from actively participating in her own arousal.
There is underlying fear or resentment about either performing, being good enough or not getting ‘there’ in time and missing out.
In not being fully aroused woman’s pleasure in penetration is limited and it becomes something to get over with as quickly as possible.
The focus on goal orientation limits her ability to relax, open and surrender into the endless full bodied pleasure she is capable of, reducing her interest in ‘next time’.

In porn the focus is almost totally on penetration. In many women’s articles penetration is often seen as getting in the way of a woman’s pleasure. Both of these are limiting points of view.
In foreplay we’re trying to make things happen, getting caught in routines that soon become acutely boring and passion killing, where we know exactly what is going to (or not going to) happen.

If these are not reasons enough to change your mind about your need for foreplay in your sexual relationship there is an even more compelling one-

That our most profound experiences in bed, the ones that stay with us for days, weeks and even years, giving life meaning tend to come from moments of spontaneity or unforseen creativity that surpass anything we could have planned for.

Our very best experiences are nothing like our best-executed agenda.

In fact, all of our trying just gets in the way.Tantric sex is making love

The more we let sex happen rather than making it happen, the more these breakthrough experiences can arise.

Instead of foreplay explore being in each moment fully from beginning to end.

Choose to be simply present without agenda in each moment of sexual connection, whether it is the beginning the middle or the end.

Experience it fully as it is right now, in this moment, exploring it fully, then this one, then this…

Regarding each moment of sex as one of unlimited potential just as it is, rather than a mere passage to somewhere better. Whether it is a moment of high arousal or valley like stillness, experience each one fully.
This experience of what is real and acceptance of what is builds trust and openness, great stepping stones to pleasure, especially for women. It is not about expecting a woman to allow penetration without being ready, more that this way of being invites it to happen without forcing. It also creates a freedom and spaciousness for magic to enter that gives a man a performance break.

Rather than foreplay

Focus instead on getting connected with yourselves – being present inside your own bodies, in the moment, breathing, connecting, feeling, opening. This allows your bodies to respond naturally, opening to the innate creativity that lives within us rather than being forced into following our own, or our partner’s egoic agenda.

Female Desire and Arousal

March 6, 2015 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Understanding Female Desire & Arousal

Are you one of the many women now reporting a low level of desire for sex? And how is it impacting on your sex life and your sense of self? Is there a part of you that just wishes you could take a little blue pill and have all your sexual needs fulfilled? Female desire and arousal is a complex subject.

Recently Sprout Pharmaceuticals resubmitted its (twice already rejected) drug Flibanserin to U.S. Food and Drug Blue pills for female desire and arousalAdministration for approval. Flibanserin  is a drug intended to treat the disease of low sexual desire in women. But is the problem of low sexual desire really a true disease classification or is it simply pathologizing a variation of normal, perhaps even just a lack of understanding what is possible?  The ‘disease’ of low sexual desire was originally classified as ‘a lack of sexual fantasies and desire for sexual activity’ ie. thoughts of sex leading to arousal that motivates the person to pursue satisfaction. This very limited view largely based on the male experience has now been broadened to include female desire and arousal- the difference between sexual interest and physical arousal, where a woman may not feel hungry for or interested in sex but this does not mean she is incapable of becoming aroused given the right situation.

There so much more to a woman’s sexuality than just fantasy, desire and horniness it is no wonder we get confused 50 Shades of Greyat times. We have generations of social conditioning telling us to push down those thoughts or feelings as ‘wrong’ for good girls.  Yet if we look at ‘hot’ romance novels or the success of the ubiquitous 50 Shades of Grey our interest is very much there. Such a big part of sexual desire is having a healthy relationship with our sexual selves and giving ourselves permission to go there, to understand what it means for us and to trust that we are ok in it. It can take a bit for her to ‘get there’ but when she fully does a woman can even be sexually voracious.

There is also the need for her to decide for herself in this hypersexualized culture what is sexually right for her. Is there a perception that she should be interested in sex more often than she actually wants/needs to be? It can be hard for a woman to find her innate sexual desires due to the impact of the many ‘shoulds’ in her culture, in her desire to seek approval from those around her as well as how to meet the desires of her lover.

Lastly there is her relationship to her vulnerability and her heart. If she is scared, carrying past hurts, anger fear or unexpressed sadness then her heart will be closed, not only to her lover but also to herself. This closedness in a woman’s heart cuts off her access to her energetic and sensitive feeling body and will have her saying no to even theheart plays role in female desire and arousal idea of sex as a way of staying out of this vulnerable place.

Telling a woman that she is diseased, faulty and needing to be fixed is the last way to address the issue of sexual desire. Some women may ultimately benefit from such a drug as Flibanserin but there is much more to a woman’s level of desire for sex and her arousal state that just her ability to feel ‘horny’. Sometimes it is just a case of cultivating feelings of arousal first and then desire awakens- in other words choosing to be sexual without feeling it first then finding the desire comes.

Other important aspects of sex are simply how present a woman is in her body in the first place. These days a woman is often busy doing six things at once, pushing herself to achieve, focussing on the use of her intellect, repressing her socially unacceptable emotional and feeling self and relying on her adrenaline stimulating, hyper stressed sympathetic action oriented nervous system to do so. This way of being keeps a woman in her head and disconnects her from her more sensitive feeling body. In this place the release of tension, through more edgy, ‘horny’ adrenaline and dopamine based sex, what is currently seen as ‘normal’ sex, can be just what a woman wants.

But if she experiences desire post arousal she will turn to her parasympathetic nervous system instead which is all about relaxation, time to breathe, connect to her body and to herself. Give a woman time to relax, breathe and connect to herself and her state changes. Relaxation promotes feelings of safety. Remembering pleasurable sexual relaxation for female desire and arousalfeelings/experiences helps activate the autonomic nervous system (of which the parasympathetic NS is a part) promoting arousal and lubrication. An accepting, loving partner (or her loving self) with consistent gentle touch, kisses, words of appreciation (not just niceties, these are part of the arousal system) continues to activate her full melting response ie. heavier breathing, raised heart rate, flushed skin, erect nipples, whole body sensitivity, engorged labia and vaginal walls, lubrication  and dopamine release causing an anticipation/desire for sex. This full depth of activation results in the highest opoid (feel good) and oxytocin (bonding) chemical release allowing true satiation. The challenge with this system is that it operates largely beyond our conscious control- we can’t “will” it to happen in the mind (as any woman, or man, who has tried to ‘make’ an orgasm happen knows), we can only allow it to happen whilst following the above steps.

Pathologizing this difference between female desire and arousal rather than understanding it just puts a woman into shame believing she is wrong somehow, putting further distance between herself and her sexual power.  When a woman experiencing responsive desire (desire post arousal) comes to understand how to make the most of her desire, she opens up the opportunity for greater satisfaction. Studies have shown that the closer a woman comes to orgasm her capacity for behaviour regulation becomes deactivated, judgement is suspended and her inner ‘wild woman’ is released with freedom from pain and altered states of consciousness. Well worth the effort of getting there!

At times relaxing, connecting with her body and some loving touch still does not allow a woman’s arousal to flow. In this place it helps for her to connect with her heart, feel into it and notice if she is holding it closed for any reason, taking some time to be with whatever is there. Perhaps it is a wall between her and her partner, or just a deeper level heart connection for female desire and arousalof separation from herself, the stress of which activates her stress or sympathetic NS, creating tension and blocking the parasympathetic relaxation/safety response. A little compassionate attention to this part of herself, breathing into or tapping her heart, allowing any accompanying emotions to release can allow her to feel safe and connected enough with herself for arousal and desire to arise.  This can be the hardest thing for a woman to give herself permission for, this bit of time, overriding it with less satisfying harder sex. For her lover in this space just know there is nothing to fix here, just bring her your grounded presence and the space to connect with herself.

Even broader than this is the relationship a woman has with her sexuality as her life force energy, her vitality and essence for living, inspiration for her creative and intuitive self, her spiritual gateway. Where cultivation of her sexual energy is for more than just in the bedroom, is about more than desire, where it is about awakening herself.

Embracing our differences and working with our sexuality, our unique female desire and arousal, (actually it is much more complex for the male of the species than we generally believe as well) rather than against it can do more than negatively categorizing and focussing just on chemical fixes alone ever will.

Men and Sex

January 12, 2015 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

 Why do Men Want Sex ?

And why is sex important …. ?

Men and sex – as a man, have you ever wondered why sex is so important and why it can be such a minefield of confusion? And, if you’re a woman have you ever wondered why you are so often objectified by men?

It is also important to recognize that most men feel confusion over the intensity and power they feel in their sexual energy and how to be with this. This can also increase feelings of vulnerability and fear for a man, in how to be with this and what to actually do with the potent sexual intensity coursing through their bodies. Yet men have very few opportunities and places to learn about this in a healthy and constructive way.

Why are Boys Treated Differently ?

From the moment they are born, boys are treated differently. (as a father of 2 daughters and a son, I know this one) If you don’t believe this, then take note of how you feel when you see a baby, but aren’t aware of what gender it is. Then recognise how your feelings alter when you discover its gender.

This is not wrong and is normal and healthy, but it’s the choices made with what to do with these feelings of difference is what can create problems. All to often, simply because they are boys, they are left wanting and craving affection as some adults “believe” it will toughen him up or they will grow up “unmanly”.Transforming the inner child within

From birth, boys are treated differently from girls and unfortunately this difference equates to less intimacy, hugs and affection for boys than what they really need as they grow up. Boys need just as much loving touch, loving hugs, loving contact as girls. Most boys don’t get adequate loving attention, and this is where problems start.

Boys and Intimacy

When a boy is deprived of intimacy, he will feel neglected or rejected and will seek connection or solace outside of themselves through attention seeking behaviour, substance abuse, aggressive behavior or other shadow behaviors. Feeling this hurt or pain has become his normal, so instead of feeling nurtured and loved he may often develop emotional numbing behavior patterns to simply stop the pain.

Often, a man’s hurt is from unresolved issues with his mother and if left unresolved will often manifest in feelings of anger towards women in general, especially when he doesn’t get what he wants, such as sex. If a boy’s father is also emotionally or physically absent, he will have little understanding of what it means to be a man and will often be even more vulnerable to other shadow masculine behaviour.

Being a boy, and feeling inside of himself simply means he is in his feeling body and connecting with and feeling his emotional self. But, if these feelings contain too much unresolved hurt or rejection and he feels isolated with out support, then he most likely will begin to close down emotionally.

This possibly is one of the main reasons that as men they objectify women as they seek to detach from the painful feelings of rejection in their place of love. It is easier to feel outside of themselves and be objective than to expose their vulnerable and already wounded self. This can become his way of life where it is safer to detach than feel or express his pain. Men also suffer deeply from not having healthy masculine role models in their lives.

The importance of Sexual Connection for a man

Sexual connection is still a man’s preferred method of expression of connection with his emotional self and his partner. It takes a lot of repressed emotional baggage such as hurt and frustration for a man to close his heart and sexual connection.

When a man is feeling sexually connected and fulfilled, his heart is open, soft, vulnerable yet powerful and readily accessible to his partner and those around him. He feels himself in a way that nurtures his soul and has his life force energy pumping through his body.Inner Fire

When sex is not available, unfulfilling or has become a “relationship transaction” then his world is different, similar to how it was for him as a child. Most likely, he will become needy in his pursuit of sex and create a range of shadow behaviors, like shutting down emotionally in his relationship, watching porn, loosing respect for women and becoming emotionally or even physically abusive.

This is the cycle of sexual shadow that men often find themselves caught up in, and for too many men, it is an attractive option to simply shut down emotionally and opt out of the sexual drama game.

Cultivation of Sexual Energy

Yet when a man allows himself to fully feel his sexual heart energy connection, that powerful life force which most men feel intensely at some stage throughout their lives, they are often heavily influenced by the intensity they feel in this. Men who connect in this place are softer, more grounded with a stronger sense of masculine self, more emotionally available and expressive and generally, very happy.

Unfortunately, few men learn how to cultivate and grow this natural pleasurable life force energy. Most men spend much of their time and energy shutting this energy down or keeping the lid on their life force simply because they don’t know how to be healthy in their sexuality.

It takes just as much energy to keep the lid on this life force as to what is being contained and is probably why men who choose this way feel tired and with little zest for life. Men (and women) have very few healthy role models or examples of what this may look like in a healthy man (or woman).

Even those men who have created a healthy sexual relationship for and with themselves can still remain unaware of how to consciously develop, grow and maintain their sexual energy, especially as they get older.

Sexual Shame

Men do carry deep shame about themselves as sexual beings, yet it is most often this part of them they put forward in who they would like to be. Some men create unhealthy ego (or shadow) about their sexual prowess and their conquests over others, particularly over women, as men often fantasize about “conquering” a woman sexually.

The porn industry promotes this angle, and women are portrayed as thankful. For young adolescents this is seen as a measure of prowess by their peers, and sadly, something to strive for as a rite of passage into manhood. Some adult men also support this and there are business’s and clubs who actually teach men how to prey on women.

Unfortunately, all this does is to encourage adolescents in the opposite direction of what healthy masculine sexuality looks like. The end result is what we see far too often, a rite of passage for young men that is confusing, disconnected from themselves and the birth of a potential misogynistic mind set.

What Does all This Mean if You’re a Woman ?

If you’re a woman, imagine instead of feeling objectified by men over your sexuality, you could instead see a wounded little boy who is frightened and desperate for loving connection with you? It takes a courageous and mature woman to do this, to call out and hold space for the little boy to feel safe and drop his masks.

Most importantly, his objectification of you as a woman is all about him and his issues. His hurt and his response is his inadequacy in owning his feelings and communicating with you from his place of self respect. Most men will feel shame in this place but don’t have healthy supporting men to create change. They shut down.

It takes maturity for both men and women to see any man acting out his little boy yet still create a safe space for him to step into and claim his inner power through his vulnerability.

It is up to men to take responsibilities for their actions and create change, either  on their own or with other men. When a man is acting out his shadow sexual behaviour on women, and this can be in many different ways, such as sexist comments, leering looks, petty acts to physical violence or sexual abuse, it is his problem or wound. It takes a healthy masculine community for these issues to be held and dealt with in a healthy way.

A woman can and does heal this wounding, but most importantly, it takes a healthy masculine community to create another healthy masculine man.

Simple awareness by both men and women is often all it takes to make a difference.

It takes both men and women acknowledging that wounds exist on both sides, and it is time for the games to stop.

True Sexual Potential

By being unaware or unconscious of their true potential, men often allow their sexual life force to wane and eventually die off as they reach middle age when the opposite is what is possible. Reaching middle age can be a time of sexual freedom for a man, as sex now more than ever becomes a choice and not driven by hormones, youth and other primal urges.

Sexual pleasure and satisfaction for men actually gets better with age…..

Men’s shadow behavior that emerges from a place in him of being unaware of his buried emotional hurts will project outwards from him as all those things that will push a woman away. These are simple and unconscious responses to unresolved hurts that nearly all men carry to some extent.

When a man has the courage to share his emotional self, that part of him that he is frightened of showing, will quite often remove relationship blocks and create a deeper level of intimacy and connection. Resolving these hurts or inner child wounds is essential on this pathway to empowerment and self discovery of his sexual power and life force.

The rewards are a deeper heart connected relationship with himself and his partner and the ability to experience pleasure like never before.

What Does a Sexually Empowered Man Look Like ?

Imagine what would it be like if pornography demonstrated the ability of a fully empowered sexual male who actually embodied the empowered sexual masculine from the inside? My Bring out your intimate warrior to get the most out of tantraguess is that few would accept or understand what true masculine sexual power can look and feel like, as masculine sexual power is not the traditional power “over” another, but actually radiates out from within his masculine essence….. The more connection a man has with himself in his sexual essence, the more his sexual power increases and his pleasure intensifies into full body pleasure.

And, most importantly, the less he actually has to do anything about it. It happens naturally, and his partner feels safe and held even more intensely.

The more pleasure a man can allow himself to feel in this place when he allows himself to be selfish first and feel himself, the more his partner will feel his heart opening. Men quite often focus on their partner and their sexual pleasure to the detriment of their own pleasure.

When a man in this place opens his heart and his pleasure to himself, the more he is available for his woman to feel him. Ask a woman what she desires to feel from her man, and most often she will respond by saying “I want to feel his heart opening to me…”

Healthy Sexual Power

In this space, the ultimate sexual power is feeling your own power and not needing to do anything with it. This allows your partner to not only feel safe but most importantly to feel her surrender fully. The shadow of this healthy masculine sexual power is when it is used to dominate, control, abuse or manipulate.

This can be confusing for both men and women, as this is how power is often depicted in Hollywood productions and especially in porn as what women want, which can have a certain truth about it, but just not in the way it’s portrayed.

A healthy woman desires equality with empowerment in sex and not have you do it all for her.

 

So, what does this healthy sexual masculine essence look and feel like?

If you’re a man and you enjoy connecting in sex, next time take note of how your energy moves in your body, what it actually feels like to be hot and sexual and where those feelings are. Try this watching porn, or with your partner and notice where you attention is, and if it is on the image (either on the screen or your partner), then you’re probably not feeling in your body.

If your focusing all your attention on your partner, you may be still having fun but missing out on what could be happening for you. It is important for a man to be selfish at this point, to focus on what he is feeling in himself. Trust that the more of yourself you feel, the more your partner will feel of you, and this is what she wants first.

Connect With Your Own Sexual Power and Learn To separate Ejaculation and Orgasm

If you enjoy the visual and enjoy touching, take note of how you feel and where in your body your energy or intense feeling is. If you recognise that your sexual feeling is located in one spot, simply stop, close your eyes and feel into this spot using some deep breath’s.

Imagine how it could be for you if your whole body was feeling as intense and pleasurable as that one spot and if you could maintain this for hours, and this is before ejaculation. Simply focus on that place and breathing deeply will help spread that feeling through out your body.

For a man, ejaculation and orgasm are two separate functions that just happen to occur at the same time.

Separating these two is not about feeling less or stopping something that means a lot to you, but recognizing that you are capable of so much more pleasure. Ejaculation is a different experience to orgasm. Cuming quickly or being very trigger sensitive is frustrating yet easily to turn into a gift. Also, not feeling enough heat sensation to cum but lasting a long time is again different to orgasm, but still pleasurable.

Choosing delaying ejaculation techniques will rapidly increase orgasmic pleasure with all the corresponding benefits, including higher self esteem, sexual satisfaction, satisfaction in life and more life force energy available for life in general. If you have issues in achieving or maintaining an erection then this can also be reversed relatively simply, the same as not being able to cum.

Finding Your True Sexual Self

This is your beginning in feeling your healthy sexual masculine essence, feeling and owning your own sexual energy. Being in your body simply means that regardless of how much “heat” you feel, your pleasure will expand, deepen into limitless full bodied orgasmic bliss. Your heat is in feeling your ejaculation energy, and by holding back on ejaculation (for a little while, at least) which will dramatically increase your pleasure experience.Live life to the full

This is the beginning of learning and understanding separating ejaculation and orgasm and also learning the holy grail of lovemaking for any man in becoming multi orgasmic.

For any man, this potential is what is in front of him, regardless of age but particularly as he gets older and chooses to deal with his unresolved emotional issues.

If your feeling challenge around any of these frustrating sexual issues, it may help to understand they are usually the results of long term ignored and unresolved inner child wounding, and they are not permanent.

It takes courage, commitment, and trust in choosing to deal with these child hood patterns, as well as a therapist who actually knows how to deal with sexuality, masculinity and femininity together.

This journey into pleasure is definitely worth the effort

Graeme Oztantra ©2015      www.oztantra.com

Is your Gspot missing in action?

December 10, 2014 By Annette & Graeme 54 Comments

Many women believe they don’t actually have a Gspot, because sometimes they like to hide…

However it’s more likely to be because it hasn’t been awakened yet.

Read on for more info about this gorgeous but slippery little sucker…                                 

The Gspot or a UFO?

Knowledge of a woman’s sexuality has grown over the years. We have come a long way from believing a woman’s expression of her sexual Is your Gspot missing in action? energy to be an “hysterical paroxysm” requiring some form of “treatment”, or that she wasn’t capable of sexual enjoyment, but to “bear these things” ie sex for the benefits of motherhood. Nowadays the modern woman is claiming her rights to “her” orgasms and finding new and creative ways of experiencing them. Yet awareness of a woman’s G-spot is a relatively recent phenomena, for many years it was thought to have been as real as a “UFO”. This very real Sacred spot provides yet more possibilities for women to further know, enjoy and accept their bodies, their sexuality and themselves.

How is a Gspot different from a clitoris?

At a practical level yes, every woman is born with a G-spot. It exists as a mound of erectile tissue 1-2 finger joints inside the upper wall of her yoni (vagina), often not as far in as you might think. The gspot is not actually inside the yoni, but resides in the upper wall and can only be physically felt by touching when it has been “activated”. When this happens, it feels like an area of raised ridges, a little like an almond which becomes more distended and easier to feel when aroused and sometimes can even feel like a small pearl.  They are still part of the same genital landscape, with one external and the other inside the vagina. The clitoris is an organ that is largely responsive to direct stimulation and has an expected enjoyable physical response and generally has a limit to the no. of orgasms it can experience. The G-spot however has a much greater range of responses as in or around this physical location is the energy point of the Gspot and activating this is what takes the experience to a whole new level of ongoing waves of pleasure, unlimited multiple orgasms, emotion, even what can be described as spiritual experiences.

I tried to find an image on ecstatically radiant post Gspot orgasmic woman but it seems they can’t be faked- there is a quality she has that only comes from the real thing, hence no female images on this post.

A Gspot can be very intense!

Some women have spontaneous Gspot (or vaginal) orgasms through stimulation with the lingam (penis) or vibrator/dildo. Some women have Gspot is spiritual awakeningclitoral orgasms only, some have a mixture of both vaginal and clitoral, with or without the lingam/vibe/dildo. For many other women, the G spot still remains an unknown experience. and generally takes a greater level of self awareness and even self acceptance in the woman for it to awaken in her. It is part of her emotional body, one of the major energy centres in her body and experiencing it can bring an emotional intensity that can be unexpected or even frightening. But with knowledge and practice a woman (by herself or with a trusted lover) will find awakening this centre can allow her to access new levels of satisfaction in her sexuality that go a long way to fulfilling the intense emotional longings and frustrations that she usually hopes her partner can fulfil for her. Knowing her body in this way can allow her to share with her partner from a place of wholeness rather than a craving for fulfilment.

How can a Gspot be awakened?

To awaken the Gspot, use your (or ask your lover, or use a Gspot vibe) index or pointer fingers, with plenty of lubrication, to tap gently, move your finger in a “come hither” movement, or side to side or up and down on the area, or hold still on it and just breathe. Get to know its size, shape and moods, it can take much more pressure than your clitoris. If you feel like you need to pee you’ve found it! Squeeze your pc muscles and feel how this moves the spot onto your fingers. Have your attention firmly on this part of your body. Breathe deeply, relax and feel with no expectations.

Sometimes if your lover is looking to connect with your Gspot he can place the fingers of his other hand just above the pubic bone and press down gently, this can help him find anchor the spot between his two hands.

Some of the reasons the Gpsot can still be missing in action:

-It can be missed completely when not aroused because it feels almost flat. If you can’t feel it, just believe in it, visualize it, relax and keep touching.

– It lacks time. A Gspot can take longer to arouse and if this part is missed then nothing happens. It can be good in the early stages to take special time just to focus on it by itself. Once awakened it can be instantaneous, although it will always have it’s days on and off.

-Arousal can be short circuited by focussing entirely on clitoral orgasm, (they have different nerve supplies) so if you are looking to explore your Gspot it’s best to build stimulation in the clitoris but stop well short of orgasm, then begin to focus on the different sensations and possibilities in the Gspot.

 -Whole body tension is another short circuit. Often a woman will tense her body to create a clitoral orgasm, this is the opposite of what theGspot is the heart of woman Gspot requires. So when you feel arousal happening remember to relax, let your muscles go and deepen your breathing.

-Over use of a vibrator- this can either short circuit sensation by being too much too soon, or can toughen and numb the spot, reducing it’s sensitivity.

– Weak and/or tense pc muscles (the muscles between our legs that we feel when we try to stop the flow of urine). These muscles can suffer from lack of use, over strain etc. Begin to contract and release these muscles as often as you can each day to build their strength. Make sure you just contract the pc, not your stomach or buttocks. And relax the muscle fully in between squeezes. Squeeze along to your favourite song.

 -Sometimes a Gspot feels totally numb and so we think it doesn’t work and give up. With attention and love it can be fully activated, keep practicing.

-Sometimes the Gspot is painful when touched so we avoid it. This pain is old stored emotion from unhelpful beliefs about your sexuality or difficult past sexual experiences. With attention and love it can be released.

-The Gspot is an emotional energy centre and the feelings aroused can be unfamiliar, intense and so they are shut down. Understand that these emotions are an important part of who you are, an energy that will become pleasurable when accepted. Allow any emotions that arise just to be felt or expressed. Breathe into your heart and bring love into your Gspot.

– To fully experience the Gspot you need to trust your body, and surrender into your sensations, letting go into them with every out breath.

– A woman shutting down if her partner is uncomfortable with her intensity. Take your time and both of you build a relationship to this part of her. And men challenge yourself to learn to last longer, check out this page to both last longer in lovemaking AND increase your pleasure. It will help you build the sexual relationship (and relationship) of your dreams.

Female Ejaculation

Female sexuality and the gspot-The fear of ejaculation. This is the fluid that can be expelled from a woman’s prostate gland (yes, she has one in the erectile tissue around the urethra, which the Gspot forms part of) when the Gspot is aroused. Because little is known about female ejaculation it can be viewed as urine by the woman and/or her partner. But it actually has a different chemical composition, smell and taste from urine. It is believed to help lubricate the urethra from the acidity of urine, reducing infections and also sweetens the acidic environment of the yoni to enhance sperm survival. In tantric terms it is known as Amrita, the nectar of love and is thought to be a Gift from God, and is seen as a source of rejuvenation. Letting go of Amrita can be an exquisite bliss that is beyond words, leaving a woman and her partner renewed. But a woman can often hold back in fear of “wetting herself”. In fact it is very difficult for a woman to pee when highly aroused, just like it is difficult for a man to pee when he has an erection. Knowing this can help a woman to relax and let Amrita flow when she has the urge to “pee” that comes from stimulation of her Gspot. It can happen separately from orgasm, or with orgasm.

In conclusion

Gspot orgasm is not another goal for a woman to reach. Ejaculation is not a “party trick” to perform on demand to please her partner. It is an opportunity for her, if she chooses, to know and accept herself at a deeper level. To know and accept her feeling self. To experience herself in her Goddess energy. It is a journey of personal awakening.

Good Girl vs The Slut

November 3, 2014 By admin Leave a Comment

The Tale of The Good Girl & The Slut

Good Girl
Every little girl grows up wanting to be good.

Good girls are seen as the ones who get the rewards of approval and attention. But somewhere deep inside of her there is also a desire to be bad, sometimes just a little bit bad, and sometimes this desire descends to the core of her being. I believe this desire for either goodness or its opposite (which is growing ever more common ie. see Bratz Dolls) comes from the fact that a girls authority, especially as she is growing up, comes totally from outside of her, setting her up to seek her own authority from within for most of her life. There are so many unwritten societal rules for a girl to follow that it is hard for her to understand that she has the choice to make her own way in life. These largely unwritten rules are things like being nice, going along, agreeing, smiling, make way, look nice, be pretty, know your place come at a girl daily. These rules about her code of conduct are largely based around keeping her inner power leashed, for if you look at the countries where women have the most rules to follow these are the ones where they are the least empowered.  At a personal level a woman’s relationship to herself, her heart and her power are highly influenced by the relationship she has with her father, who, like it or not is still her first representation of power in life. She is impacted by whether he was physically and emotionally present, controlling, shaming or affirming. And whether he inspired, respected or overran her boundaries as boundaries are crucial to the development of the self.

For a woman having a sense of herself means listening to her unique inner voice, finding her own rules and creating a life for herself. This is especially difficult given how much of her life will be spent in service to others- vitally for her babies and young children, often her ageing parents. It still happens to a greater or lesser degree with her life partners and employers. This putting others first seems to run in a woman’s genes and is the field of consciousness in which she lives. Especially in relation to her sexual self which plays right into a girl/woman’s relationship with her good girl and her slut. For who is seen to be the baddest girl of them all? It is surely the whore or the slut. What this tells us is that the deepest seat of a woman’s power is in her sexual self- is she suppressing, controlling or subjugating, or giving herself permission to express it in all of its myriad forms? If she’s enjoying it she risks the direst label a young girl can attract- that of the slut, even in today’s apparently liberal culture. Men contribute their own part to this dynamic when they perpetuate the Madonna/Whore complex- either having a woman on a pedestal and beyond sex, or needing to see her as a whore to be able to have sex with her at all.

How does this dynamic play out in a woman’s life? There are two major opposing archetypes women fall into, either unconsciously or by choice, with light/dark versions of each. All women embody degrees of each archetype, along with further variations of those mentioned; and these can change over her lifetime. Being able to see where you are can support you in moving to where you would like to be so see if you can see yourself in any parts of the following:

The Good Girl or MotherThe Good Girl (Light version): The one who has been supported in developing her sense of self, and is able to validate herself from within. She knows her own mind and is genuinely happy to love and nurture others without a loss of herself, without allowing those around her to drain her energy or disconnect her from her own needs and desires. She is the delightful princess who melts everybody’s hearts. She is respectful of but not fully expressed in her sexuality. The is part of the Mother Archetype.

The Good Girl (Shadow Version): The one who willingly follows the rules at a high cost to herself, in attempting to find her sense of self through giving away her all to, or seeking the attention and approval of everyone around her. She is either the wallflower in the corner scared to be seen or the one overtly gaining attention, demanding her needs be met first, and/or best. She is a prick-teaser that is disconnected from, or scared of her sexual self. This is either the Martyred Mother or the narcissistic, insecure Princess who gives the term its common interpretation.

The Bad Girl (Shadow Version): She finds her sense of self through rebelling against the rules and appears empowered but this is

The Slut
BDSM bad girls

often a reaction to her surroundings rather than an authentic way of being, especially where boys and sex are concerned. This leads her to act out her sexuality outside of herself, without clear emotional or sexual boundaries and giving sex as a means of getting love and attention. She sees sex as a power to control and manipulate others, either to get her needs met or keep her insecure self emotionally protected. Her sexuality can even become her identity. This is the most common interpretation of the Bad girl.

The Bad Girl (Light Version):  A much rarer version of the bad girl is the woman who has no need to either adhere to or rebel against conventional society’s rules. Connected to, rather than ruled by her sexuality she is freer of self deception than most, with a high degree of self empowerment and self acceptance. She values her own emotionality and sexuality in a healthy way with clear, flexible boundaries and can fully express her sluttish self with an open heart, a heart that is as open to herself as to those she is loving or having fun with. She can play in dominant roles when she desires, and is comfortable being vulnerable. A woman playing in her Cougar Archetype is sexual from a power rather than a heart open position. The rare conscious, empowered, openhearted slut, contrary to popular opinion, is a true Goddess, especially if she empowers others along with herself.

Oztantra specializes in supporting women to become conscious and empowered in however and whoever they choose to be so contact us if you would like assistance in exploring any of these archetypes. Call 1800 TANTRA

Tantric Sex For Women

August 12, 2014 By Annette & Graeme 1 Comment

Tantric Sex For Women- a journey into self love

women talking about tantric sexIf you listen in to a conversation between women about sex these days you will find the topic most commonly focussed on is orgasm. Whether she had one, how many she had, whereabouts she had them- clitoris, gspot, uspot, aspot, deep spot, heart, throat, anal, full body, skin, energetic; how she got there and how good her partner/vibrator was in getting her there. Sex has become about peak and performance, heavily influenced by visual and orgasm based pornography. Tantric sex focuses on the inside, it is much more about what you feel than what you see and it feels wonderful.

Some years ago after the completion of one of my women’s Tantric workshops I took all of the participants out for a celebration dinner.  It just so happened that the day coincided with the running of the local Horsham Cup. This was back in the days when I ran my workshops in rural western Victoria. As we trouped up to the Exchange Hotel (the best place to get a nice, reasonably priced evening meal in the sticks!) I noticed a couple of tables containing women who, given the tres chic way they were dressed, had obviously been out to this fashionable event.

Tantra’s inner radiance

I noticed the women looked wonderful on the outside, quite ready for a spot in Vogue or Cosmo, but even allowing for the fact that they’d probably had a long day the mature womaninner spark, the radiance I look for in a woman’s beauty was missing. It seemed that the outfits were wearing the women rather than the other way around. Unlike the post workshop attendees who (after also having had a full on day) were looking totally radiant, beaming with life and love from the inside out.  And what they were wearing, whilst also very nice, was taking a back seat to the women themselves. I have never forgotten this striking comparison as it was a reminder for me of what Tantra is all about for a woman- connecting to and experiencing all of who she is from within. This takes sex to a whole other dimension- a place of surrender, expansion, ecstasy and union with spirit.

A woman spends a lot of her life looking for who she is. She learns very early in life that for her life is about how she looks and how she fits in to what is expected of her. This is because woman is The Other, made from Adam’s spare rib. Mankind is the centre of life and woman is created to reflect in man’s image. She is born without a sense of herself and spends the remainder of her life trying to find it. The model for success she is given is masculine based, focussed on external motivations taking her further away from her feminine essence. With feminine qualities seen as less than by the majority of society she quickly loses contact with her innate way of being. In her uncertainty she embraces the external world of doing, of achieving, trying to “have it all”, or feels guilty for not doing so. This is how she approached sex as well.

Society has also skewed the essence of woman for its own purposes in praising her for her ability to nurture, to feel love and compassion at the expense of her other qualities. This has led woman, in her need for love and approval to over focus on those around her to the detriment of herself. This takes her further away from her core strengths and leaves her vulnerable, depressed and insecure, or with a wall of pseudo confidence and independence yet unfulfilled within. It leaves her empty.

This is where Tantra and Tantric Sex comes in. Tantra invites a woman to more fully embody her feminine state, giving her access to the qualities that nurture, sustain and fill her up. This process is about surrendering rather than effort.  It doesn’t mean that she needs to abandon her drive for independence and achievement but offers a way to help her sustain it. Tantric sex is more fulfilling than a tension focussed performance straining an already empty tank.

Our feminine qualities

What are these much maligned feminine qualities? Feeling, emotion, intensity, sexuality, vitality, nurturing,  intuition, creativity, beingness, spontaneity, movement, receptivity, softness, vulnerability, fullness, submission, yielding, surrender, play, mystery, fluidity, changeability, connection, magnetic attractiveness, inner radiance, beauty, wisdom, embodied spirit.

radiant womanMany of these qualities are denigrated as weakness or fragility. But is a being capable of carrying and giving birth to a new life (whether she chooses to or not) fragile? Is a being capable of a wild, intense fury to chase after the one trying to steal her child a weakling? Is being fully in a moment of spontaneous and revitalizing play somehow deficient? Is a being that can surrender into her heart and softly nurture your deepest wounds pathetic? Is a being who can magnetically attract you with her beauty and radiance, then vulnerably receive you into her body and the deepest, most intimate recesses of her heart and soul helpless? Is a being that can offer wisdom from her intuition spirit and years of experience merely irrelevant?

Perhaps it is a misunderstanding of what these qualities can offer that leads us to deny what they offer? As women we are guilty of supporting the societal view of the feminine as we too are disconnected from ourselves and our truth. We fear vulnerability as a loss of control and see it as a source of suffering, we see surrender as a loss of power. From this place of disconnection we put up barriers to keep others (especially lovers) out of our hearts. We forget is that these barriers keep us out of our own hearts, and our sense of self.

Connecting it with sex

You might ask what does all of this have to do with sex? I say everything, as a woman who is fully connected with herself and her heart experiences sex from this holistic and Tantric perspective, rather than merely a physical or mental one. It can be sex for pleasure, for procreation, making love, or experiencing sexuality as her vital life force, feeling it alive and vibrant inside her as she goes about her day.

Yes, we can have sex that focuses on the physical mechanics of peak orgasm, this is a great beginning place. It would be a tragedy if this was all a women ever sought. Empowering Sexuality As exploring the nature of her feminine qualities will open a woman to her sense of self, and her body to pleasure the way the predictability of a vibrator cannot. I suggest taking time out to explore the qualities listed above and finding ways to experience them. You’ll have a sense of remembering who you “are” and fall more and more in love with yourself, leading to greater life and sexual confidence, openness and pleasure.

To take yourself to the heights of your sexual possibilities you need to go inside yourself; trust, connect and surrender to your flow that lies within you – this is the unending orgasmic ecstasy you are capable of.

The following steps will begin this exploration of what lies within you.

Try them with yourself first (allow a minimum of 30 mins, with practice it will take a few mins only) and then share with your partner:

1. Breathing- the more you breathe the more you feel and connect to yourself. Breathe deeply down into your belly and “let go” or relax as you exhale through your mouth. Allow your body to relax. Don’t worry, you don’t need a lot of tension to orgasm, in fact tension will limit it.

2. Drop your attention from your mind into your body. Notice your breath, scan your body and notice the sensations and feelings. If you aren’t feeling anything don’t make it WRONG! This will just create more thinking. Just keep noticing and allowing what is, trusting that it will change. It can feel like you are dropping into nothing, this is where you need to trust yourself.

3. Then do the same with your attention to your genitals- breathe, notice and allow.

4. Continue deep breathing and now drop into your heart, when you do you will feel your body become soft, safe and receptive. If you feel any resistance or fear just allow it to be there, accept it and it will shift.

4. You may be noticing tingling sensations in your body, this is the activation of your ecstatic energy. Begin to breathe in through your open mouth as you rock your hips forward, breathe out through your nose as you rock your hips back. Imagine you are filling yourself full of breath, energy or love.

5. Relax and play with the size, speed and rhythm of your breath and movements. Add in some pelvic floor squeezes if you like. Enjoy yourself and see what happens. Be in the flow.

6. Give yourself permission to make sounds. Don’t fake it like a porn star, just ask yourself is there a sound there that wants to be expressed, start gently. The vibrations in your throat amplify the ones in your body.

7. Allow yourself to feel whatever comes (even if it’s not you!)- pleasure, power, ecstasy, love, wet, messy, emotion, connection, expansion, spirit etc etc.

Above all stay connected with yourself, keep and open mind and from here you can fly. Once you get this combination adding in touch will feel electric and super pleasurable. You are well on the way to connecting with the truth of who you are and the ecstasy that lies within. Connecting with this place in yourself will energetically invite your partner to meet you there. From this place move on to explore your orgasmic spots, especially your gspot, allow them to take you their heights with you in the driver’s seat. This is the Tantric approach to sex for a woman, so worth the journey!

« Previous Page
Next Page »

CONTACT US:

Graeme 0457 966 696
Annette 0437 966 696

or Email us here

Sign Up for Our Fortnightly Newsletter

newsletter-sign-up

Read Our Previous Newsletter Articles

Sovereign Goddess Newsletter

Sovereign Goddess Logo

Women: Join here to discover your self loving and self empowered and pleasure filled self!

 

 

Online Counselling

couple viewing computer screen

Receive on point support for your relationship from the comfort of your own home!

Couples Getaways

InquireLennox Beach Resort about our Ultimate Couples Getaways!

Couples Retreats

Join us for our
happy couple in IntimacyEcstasy & Intimacy Retreats
Sadly we announce that all retreats
have been cancelled in response to
COVID 19 until further notice.

Oztantra Links

Blog  |  Media  |  Workshops  |  Books/DVDs

Lost That Loving Feeling?

Re-Ignite Your Spark Online Relationship Course

Coming Together

CLICK HERE for our book on all things
relationship, intimacy & sex
to last a lifetime.
ORDER NOW!

Follow Us

  • Facebook
  • LinkedIn
  • Twitter
  • YouTube

Have a question?

PH 1800 TANTRA (1800 826 872)

 

Recent Posts

  • A Soft Cock: to Love or Not to Love? February 23, 2023
  • Wet does not always mean horny and dry does not always show disinterest. February 7, 2023
  • Are You Dancing in the Full Spectrum of Sex? January 26, 2023
  • Make 2023 the year to take your relationship to the next level January 5, 2023

logo.png

Facebook Twitter Youtube

  • Oztantra Webinar’s – Relationship and Sexuality
  • Q and A – Frequently asked Questions Answered
  • Links
  • The Art of Relationship Creating- Meaningful Intimate Relationships
  • Emotional Intelligence, What is it?
  • Depression…making light of it
  • Breathwork Sessions
  • Lasting Longer for Men
  • Female Sexuality for Women
  • Beat Your Porn Addiction With Tantra
  • Tantric Meditations
  • What Is Tantra?
  • What is Tantric Sex REALLY Like? – Oz Tantra
  • Multi Orgasmic Man
  • Separating Ejaculation and Orgasm
  • Tantra Massage
  • How to Become a Tantric Lover
  • Cobra Breath – The Cosmic Cobra Breath
  • The Art of Self Pleasure
  • Man To Man Talk With Graeme
  • Woman to Woman Talk with Annette
  • Gspot – Oztantra
  • The Power of Reverse Polarity

Copyright © 2023 ·Beautiful Pro Theme · Genesis Framework by StudioPress · WordPress · Log in