This belief about wetness = horniness has been around sex for decades now.
It’s one that has totally messed with both women’s and men’s heads, by making them think something is wrong if it’s not happening.
It’s just not necessarily true.
The porn fallacy of wetness
This belief has been paraded around in pornography with women showing up wet and horny for sex no matter what the occasion.
Whether it’s for the car salesman who has just offered her a discount on her new Subaru if she’ll put out.
Or for the policeman who has offered to wave her ticket for a blowjob. Or it might be for the cowboy who has just turned up on his horse with a slow, lazy twang in his voice. (Hmm…that could work).
Women in porn are shown as hot and wet even in the hard core versions where there are no corny scenarios, they just get into it. (Which can sometimes be a relief to be honest…)
Romantic books and movies more subtly, yet still undeniably, hint at a woman’s readiness, assuming wetness. With lovers being able to get right into it without having to reach for the lube.
Being wet and hard is taken for the ultimate indicators of sexual readiness.
‘Getting wet’ is seen as important as ‘getting hard’ is, to the idea of sex. (Although less biologically necessary, like male nipples, but still very pleasurable.)
The really important thing to know about a woman’s state of lubrication is that it can be, and often is, separate to her desire for sex.
Just like a man’s erection can be.
Even though a man with an erection is rarely portrayed outside of a sexual context.
An erection can be stirred into being by sexual thoughts, or the proximity of a gorgeous woman.
At other times, especially during the painful teenage years, erections can arise at the most inopportune moments. Like wearing speedos at the school sports. They also happen two or three times a night with no sexual context at all, not even an erotic dream.
Even though this is rarely portrayed outside of a sexual context.
An erection is often stirred into being by sexual thoughts, or the proximity of a gorgeous woman.
At other times, especially during the painful teenage years, erections can arise at the most inopportune moments. Like wearing speedos at the school sports, or two or three times a night with no sexual context at all, not even an erotic dream.
Wetness and hardness are physiological responses.
We learn to relate them to sex.
They’re just not necessarily related to sexual desire, which is more complex.
How can wetness and hardness be a learned response?
For example, the last time you went to this restaurant you and your partner had great sex in the car going home. So, you feel a little aroused, and a little wet just ordering dinner there. Or, if you had been caught masturbating and shamed as a child you might not have a full erection when you feel aroused, in order to avoid the shame. Though in this case, you unlearn having an erection.
Men can be wet too.
It’s interesting to note here too that men also have sexual wetness. This is because both genders start out with exactly the same genitals in the womb. They just get organized differently, according to their biochemistry during conception and foetal growth.
Women have lubricating glands at the mouth of the urethra, called Skene’s glands. These glands swell during sexual arousal making it difficult to pee during sex. They’re also believed to produce the fluid known as female ejaculate. (Now women have fluids that they ‘shouldn’t’ emit, such as urine, and fluids they ‘should’- wetness and ejaculate. What does my body want again?)
Men have corresponding glands found just below their prostate. These are called Cowper’s glands, (it would be great if we name things after their function rather than who discovered them) that emit something known as pre-ejaculate. Which happens very little for some men, just a drop or two sometimes, and quite a lot for others. It’s the way they’re made.
The difference is, there isn’t such a song and dance about it.
So as difficult as it may be, we seriously need to totally unhook this belief that wetness and horninness automatically go together.
Because wetness can be a learned physiological response to a sexual situation that has very little to do with desire. It’s why both men and women can have arousal and even orgasms whilst being raped. It in no way means they wanted it.
It also used to be believed that a woman couldn’t get pregnant without having an orgasm so if she got pregnant during a rape she was believed to have enjoyed it, really.
Listening to what she says is important.
On the other hand, a woman can really desire sex and be totally wanting it without being wet. It’s happening everywhere else in her mind and body except there. It’s just the way she it. It doesn’t mean she is broken, or disconnected from her body or lying.
How does a man know this woman is wanting sex? By understanding this difference and listening to her. If she says she really wants it (excluding any trauma responses she may be overriding) then she likely does.
Just smile and pass the lube…
Undoing our conditioning
We can undo decades of confusion, shame and invalidation for women right here.
And some for men too.
And help women love their bodies exactly as they are.
Which is the number one pathway to expanding a woman’s sexual pleasure.
We’ve heard it works pretty well for other genders too.
There has never been a time when the gifts of the feminine are more needed. Western women are currently experiencing adrenal fatigue and emotional burnout in record numbers. As we rush constantly forward into more, bigger, better, harder and more competitive, even war like it can be easy to lose touch with our softness, openness, trust, vulnerability, radiant beauty and joyful sexual magnetism. We can even begin to regard these qualities as weak, or less than the external power of the intellect, achievement and outward success.
sensual and magnetic, more easily attracting our desires to us rather than having to strive for them. We find our inner magic, our spirituality that lives directly in our bodies, as surprising as this may sound. We also find ourselves more confident, assertive, dynamic, creative, sexy and spontaneous. And guys, which ones amongst you would not like to find more of this in your lives, for these qualities live inside you as well? Not just in a woman but also in your hard working, over taxed and straight jacketed selves?
rather than drained. You’ll also sense when it is enough, for both yourself and them.
After one of our Power of Yoni Workshops a group of participants headed out to a local restaurant to celebrate 4 days of empowering self love, nurturing and discovering pleasure. It so happened the local race meeting was on the same day and the bistro was full of very glammed up ladies who could easily have won “Lady of the Day”. Surprisingly, it was obvious that however glamorous their exteriors were they couldn’t compare with our gorgeous Goddesses who were spilling over with a glow and a vitality from deep within, making them beautiful both inside AND out!
can only enhance the best outfit and beauty routine whilst giving us confidence to burn? I believe what we’re doing is actually abandoning ourselves, or at least abandoning the little girl inside of us that longs for love and acceptance…no matter what age we are…
As a result, several surveys report that over 91% of women have regular days of “hating their bodies”. It seems as if when things aren’t going right in our world, if we’re unsatisfied in our relationships or our jobs, if we’re having uncomfortable emotions such as stress, loneliness and boredom we’re more likely to criticize our bodies than deal with what is actually behind our dissatisfaction or negative feelings. So how we perceive we look is based more on how we “feel”, rather than the physical reality of how we “look”. When we perceive ourselves negatively we abandon the little girl inside of us that longs to be loved for who she is…
And if you’re into high friction sex or masturbation without conscious breathing (which maybe you aren’t if you’re here) your genitals will also be desensitized.
Such is the power of our sex organs they can transport us into an expanded reality if we allow them.
definition without judgment. Get really, really present with them, as if nothing else exists. Observe any embarrassment and breathe into it, give it love and it will fade. Go a little deeper and ‘sense’ them, do they feel,seem open, closed, happy, neglected, appreciated etc. Ask them if they have a message for you. Don’t think it, just wait and see what comes. Then just breathe and be. Let the love in.
Well, if it’s not official, we’re declaring it Breast Appreciation Week!
underwire or push up bra, they match up to the socially approved images? Or do you pause for a moment and remember how they may have nurtured your children? Or with a smile how they’re appreciated by your lovers and the degree of pleasure they give?
Breast Appreciation Ritual
the benefits I have found in embracing this part of myself. I am not all of these all the time but I have definitely experienced many such moments of each.
I said to Graeme the other day “I want you to kiss me” and the lack of response I was anticipating (I got the kiss just not any joy, or passion for that matter…) made me wonder if I should look further into what was happening.
