In your relationship fear might be keeping you from:
Feeling a greater connection to, or more love from the person you’re with.
Or even more freedom in loving them.
Perhaps you long for more love or pleasure in the bedroom but you’re too scared to bring the subject up.
Most of the things we truly long for live on the other side of fear.
This place of fear was certainly true for a lovely couple who came to see us recently. But they were both able to reach inside themselves and find the place that courage lives. Now they’re reaping benefits that had been unimaginable just a few days ago.
So what if it was actually true?
That it was only your fear that was keeping you from what you most want.
If so, there IS something you can do about it.
What does this word bring up in you?
Perhaps familiar butterflies in your stomach, a slight nausea, a crippling anxiety or possibly a deep-seated terror?
Or you might have no bodily response at all, just a mild interest in the idea.
Whatever your response is to fear you can be sure it lurks in at least a part of what’s keeping you from more of what you’re longing for.
Surprisingly, it’s probably not that your partner is insensitive, uncaring, selfish or uninterested.
It’s just as likely your fear is not allowing you to let them see you fully.
It seems easier, and safer, to stay behind your fears and not give them voice.
To see the situation as your partners fault.
To view your fear as your being weak, cowardly and something to be ashamed of.
Or as something too big for you to control.
What actually IS fear?
We see fear as emotional energy in your body.
An energy that we have a choice over how to deal with it.
Commonly we attach fear based thoughts to our fears and give them much greater power than they deserve.
Fear is part of being human and there is nothing wrong with you if you’re experiencing it.
In fact, fear in your body is the same thing as excitement.
You might remember the early times in your relationship, or even the ones way back in your teenage years where your fear almost felt like excitement, swinging wildly between the two in a way that was intoxicating…
The only difference is in how we manage this energy (and the stress hormones that arise along with it) in our bodies.
In excitement we keep breathing and tell ourselves something good is going to happen.
In fear we shallow our breath (or even stop breathing) and tell ourselves something bad is about to happen.
What can you do about your fear so that it no longer limits you?
- Understand that fear is energy in your body, one that you have control over.
- Come into the present moment and ask yourself if you’re in actual physical danger (which is quite rare for most of us, most of the time)? If yes, do what you need to find safety.
- Identify the signs of fear in your body- tension, butterflies, tingling, nausea, cold, sweating, feeling unsafe.
- Acknowledge them, and make them ok.
- Take some slow, deep breaths, imagining your body being strongly supported by the earth below you. If your body knows it has room to breathe, it knows that it is safe.
- If you’re in a high state of fear look closely at the palm of your hand and let it’s realness ground you.
- Notice the thoughts you’re choosing about your fear and whether they’re accelerating or decreasing it eg. An accelerating thought is “My partner isn’t looking at me or taking any interest in what I’m trying to do or say and this means they don’t love me”. A decelerating thought is “My partner isn’t looking at me, maybe they’re just tired and I’ll get curious and ask them”.
- Soothe yourself by choosing only thoughts that do the latter. This doesn’t mean living in a fairytale and imagining everything is wonderful but making some realistic choices. Feel your body responding to increased breathe and soothing thoughts.
- Once you have your fear under control do whatever it is you’ve been afraid to:
- Tell your partner what’s in your heart
- Get curious, rather than judgmental about their response, you might learn something
- Do something for them even if it’s challenging for you, especially something they’ve been wanting from you
- Have a conversation about sex, begin gently with some positive comments and own your concerns as yours and be open to what you might discover.
With any of these steps you’re not necessarily assured of a successful outcome.
But you definitely WILL benefit from the courage you find in yourself to make these steps happen and who knows what is possible on the other side of fear- it’s where most of the really good things in life live.
If you’re looking to take further steps to create more of what you’re longing for in your relationship why not join us for our upcoming weekend workshop Nov 9-11?