Couples Communication Archives - Relationship & Sexuality Counselling Specialists

Tantric Communication Practice

September 5, 2023 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Do you find that your communication with your partner never seems to hit the spot?

Are you often left feeling unheard?

Unseen?

Or uninspired? (You’ve heard it all before…when you used to hang on their every word)

Even disrespected?

Today’s tantric communication practice can help bring about a radical change in your communication style with minimal effort.

Like much of tantra, this is a ritual, a practice

And like any practice the more you do it, the more satisfying it becomes.

It’s simple.

It allows each person to feel heard.

It invites you to listen to each other. To listen from the heart, rather than the head.

We often rarely listen to each other

In normal communication styles there is often very little listening going on.

We are so used to constantly thinking, our partner has barely got started when we are busy analysing what they’ve said. And how it will impact us.

Sometimes we are so busy waiting for our turn, working out what we want to say, we don’t really hear what our partner is saying.

Sometimes we check out of the conversation because we think we’ve heard it all before.

We can disagree with what is being said, and immediately try to impose our own point of view.

Occasionally we can be in fear of what our partner might have to say. So we either interrupt, ignore, invalidate or check out of their conversation. Because we literally want to protect ourselves from hearing it.

Also too, we can be emotionally triggered by our partner’s words and either explode into unrelated emotion, or withdraw from it.

This simple tantric practice bypasses all of the above

It does so by getting us to focus on listening and really hearing each other. And nothing else.

It’s not trying to resolve anything.

It’s not trying to get to an outcome.

It’s about really listening, from the heart.

With practice the space between you gets safer and safer to speak from the heart.

This can truly transform your communication by building trust and intimacy.

Which then allows you to, at other times, more easily resolve issues that arise between you.

It’s pretty good for your sex life too!

The tantric communication practice is called Heart Sharing. It doesn’t have to look as formal as this image but it gives a sense of how tantric communication feels.

Heart Sharing

How does it work?

You sit opposite each other.
Both partners take a moment to feel into their hearts. You can close your eyes or place a hand on your heart to do this. (This sounds corny but it works.)
See yourself and the person opposite you as divine, empowered beings, creating their own realities. (Ditto.)
One person shares for 3-5 minutes (It’s good to set a timer here).
Once the first partner’s time is up, the listener just says thankyou, NOTHING more.
Then you reset the timer and the second person has their turn, the same as above.

The Speaker

The speaker just speaks, whatever is there.

Without any agenda, or trying to get a particular response.

They really hear themselves more.

Which can help them gain insight into what they are actually putting out there.

A valuable tip is that if you run out of things to say, you just wait, until something else arises. If nothing does, you just sit in silence.

The Listener

The listener just listens. (Yes, God, the Universe or evolution DID give us two ears and one mouth for a reason!)

Whilst they listen, the listener focusses on their heart (keeping their hand their can help).

This helps them hear their partner from as open a place as possible.

The listener notices any inner response or reaction they might have, like those listed above. And instead of speaking or reacting they simply take a deep breath or two…This allows them to stay present with what is being said.

It’s more than just talking

Sitting opposite each other allows more non verbal communication to happen as well.

The important thing to remember is that this is NOT about AGREEING with your partner.

It’s about LISTENING.

It’s about believing that everyone benefits from being truly heard.

And that being seen is a form of being loved.

As we said, this practice is not about resolving your issues. It’s about building trust.

Over time your sharings will get more and more clear and heart centred

Because you will feel safe, seen and heard.

With practice you can let go of the timer and just let each person hare until they feel complete. (However, if it starts to feel one sided it’s good to use the timer again).

It works for women because they can speak without needing to be fixed. As she hears herself she can get clearer in what she has to say.

It works for men because they have the space between the words to feel heard. Men can tune in to a woman’s body language without being overwhelmed by her words.

Are You Letting Unexamined Myths Run your Sex Life?

March 29, 2023 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

We all have beliefs about sex.

Beliefs that have come from our families, our culture, our religion, the media and from our own experiences.

Any thought that you think repeatedly over a period of time and believe to be true (whether it is or not) is considered a belief.

Beliefs that have often been around so long you have stopped questioning them…

Or perhaps you’ve never questioned them.

We say that it is always a good time to question your beliefs. To work out whether they are true. It’s even better to work out if they are working for you, or against you. Knowing what benefits they provide, what limitations they may create.

Discussing your beliefs can be a great way of building depth, understanding and connection in your relationship too.

We offer 25 common beliefs here to give you a starting point.

Belief 1: Men and women’s genitals are totally different and there are only two types. Not actually true. Our genitals begin in the womb exactly the same and only differentiate at 6 weeks. The Y chromosome then develops and sends the male genitals to the outside. It’s why some people are born with a mixture of genitalia, as the individuation happens uniquely. This is also how women have a whole lot of arousal tissue under their labia, have a prostate and are able to ejaculate.

Belief 2: The clitoris consists of this little button at the top of a woman’s labia and that is all. The clitoris has now been found to have legs that extend from the head, or the glans of the clitoris. They extend down either side of the vagina, underneath the labia. Which makes arousal of the whole vulva area important to female pleasure.

Belief 3: Girls are born with an intact hymen that is ruptured by the penis during her first intercourse. When in fact the hymen comes in many shapes at birth, some intact, some with holes and some virtually non existent. Nothing to do with penetration, and to do with all sorts of negative consequences in some cultures. Bleeding during first sex is often more about roughness and a lack of lubrication, than a breaking of the hymen.

Belief 4: Before the full understanding of conception and the role of semen and sperm, men were thought to have nothing to with the creation of children. Women were thought to create babies all on their own.

Belief 5: Men are capable of having only one orgasm, and that this orgasm can only happen at the same time as they ejaculate. Even that orgasm and ejaculation ARE the same thing. Men have been found to orgasm and ejaculate separately, just the way women can both orgasm and ejaculate separately.

Belief 6: Masturbating whilst in a relationship means that you aren’t sexually interested in your partner. Not true at all. Masturbating can happen for many reasons- the partner is unavailable, or the persona is maintaining their most important sexual relationship- the one that begins with themselves from which all others spring from.

Belief 7: Men think about sex much more than women, every 7 seconds to be exact. Not true. Research discredits this persistent stereotype, which would amount to more than 8,000 thoughts about sex in 16 waking hours. In one study, the median number of young men’s thought about sex stood at almost 19 times per day. Young women in the study reported a median of nearly 10 thoughts about sex per day. Men and women in the study thought about food almost as much!

Belief 8: Women’s bodies are always hairless with tucked neatly tucked in labia… this has become a porn based myth that is not true. Having genital hair is a personal choice and labia come in all sorts of shapes, sizes and colours, and all are normal.

Belief 9: Sex is only good when you have an orgasm. The truth is determined by each individual couple. Some may include the degree of intimacy as a higher priority.

Belief 10: A man needs to have an erection to feel sexual pleasure. We’ve been in a room full of men in full bodied orgasm without an erection in sight. And a woman doesn’t need to be wet to be aroused.

Belief 11: The female GSpot doesn’t exist. Yes this one is still around. With just as many studies showing that the urethral sponge (GSpot) does exist, as does female ejaculation. It can just take time to awaken.

Belief 12: The size of the man’s penis determines the quality of the sex. Totally not true. It’s what he does with it that counts. It also depends on the size of the head, and even the angle of the penis. Good sex is also determined by the degree of female arousal. This is because arousal helps swell clitoral/vaginal tissues making them feel more snug. Even the tone of the pelvic floor muscles can make a difference.

For your information a review by the British Urology journal confirmed that (in Caucasian men at least):

The average flaccid length of a penis is 3.6 ins/9.1 cms.
The average circumference of a flaccid penis is 3.7 ins/9.4 cms.
The average erect length of a penis is 5.1 ins/12.9 cms.
The average circumference of an erect penis is 4.5 ins/11.4 cms

Belief 13: Female ejaculation is urine. The presence of prostatic hormones in ejaculation fluid show that it is chemically different to urine. Although at times it can be more chemically similar, especially if there is a lot of emotion going on, it is not the same. Ejaculation also comes from the prostate, not the bladder.

Belief 14: Orgasm and climax are the same thing. We say no, so do various studies. Of course, confusingly, some studies say they are the same. The typical definition of an orgasm is a peak of physical pleasure. One that is accompanied by pelvic floor muscle contractions, and for men the release of semen. Endorphins and oxytocin are released into the bloodstream. This is followed by a refractory period where no further arousal is possible. We would describe this as a climax. We find that orgasm can be defined as any experience of pleasure that expands through the body. And it’s accompanied by some sort of mind shift. A mind shift that makes us feel as if we are somehow different to how we were before. Our state will have changed. We have perhaps become more relaxed, more at peace, more open hearted, more connected etc.

Belief 15: Male sexuality is biological, female sexuality is psychological. We see that given the space, men bring a deep psychological and vulnerable aspect to their sexuality just like women do. It’s just that they are so often conditioned out of it and not given permission to express it. Ask any man who has been sexually rejected. And sex is often the only way a man can experience tenderness, softness, surrender, closeness, touch and affection in a culturally acceptable way.

Belief 16: Male sexuality is predatory in nature. Relationship therapist Esther Perel says in her experience it is the fear of being predatory that controls male sexuality more. For a man in relationship, seeing that he is pleasing his woman is such a turn on. Because it confirms that he is not hurting her, his deepest fear. Esther says women don’t have this fear. Women more often have a sense of caretaking. Taking care of her man before she can fully abandon herself to her own pleasure. She worries more about not pleasing him, than desiring to feel his pleasure.

Belief 17: Vaginal orgasms are the proper way for a woman to orgasm. Over 70% of women orgasm via the clitoris. She can often learn to orgasm vaginally, but it is not required. Mutual orgasms at the same time aren’t either. They’re nice when they happen but not worth pushing for.

Belief 18: It’s pathological if a man wants a lot of sex. It’s no more pathological than if a woman wants lots of romance or intimacy. Sex is his love language.

Belief 19: Women don’t like sex as much as men. They don’t want to initiate sex or be more in the active, rather than the passive role, in sex. And women are not as sexually adventurous as men. None of these are essentially true. Women have just been conditioned out of them for a few thousand years – good girls don’t, and girls who do are sluts. Given permission, which is happening more often these days, women can enjoy and seek sex just as much as a man.

Belief 20: Watching porn makes a man more likely to cheat on his spouse. In fact, the opposite has been found to be true.

Belief 21: If a man enjoys sexual touch by another man, or enjoys anal sex it makes him gay or bisexual. Same goes for a woman enjoying pleasure with another woman. These labels don’t apply unless you want them to.

Belief 22: Women want less sex as they get older. More often they want better sex as they get older. They do not peak sexually in their 30’s, they can peak at any age. It’s much more about how comfortable they feel with their bodies, themselves and their sexuality.

Belief 23: If a man loses his erection in sex it means he thinks his partner is not sexually attractive. A man can lose his erection for any number of reasons. Such as drinking too much, fatigue, stress about work or money, relationship issues or even past abuse issues. The same can be true for a woman who doesn’t orgasm during sex, it is not always about the skill of her lover.

Belief 24: Women are not as visually stimulated as men. Not true, again this is a symptom of their conditioning, they have simply shut it down.

Belief 25: Men who watch porn prefer it over sex with their partner. This is like comparing apples and oranges, they are two different things. If he IS preferring porn to sex with his partner, there is something else going on. As shown in the well researched book Ethical Porn for Dicks: A Man’s Guide to Responsible Viewing Pleasure by David Ley. Just like there is no officially such a thing as a sex addiction, something else is going on.

You can add even more of your own beliefs to explore.

Any thought that you think repeatedly that has a positive or a limiting impact on your sexual experience is worth exploring.

Managing Stress In Your Relationship

March 16, 2023 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Where tantra meets neuroscience…

It’s a good time right now to talk about managing stress, as there is plenty of it going around…financially, emotionally and relationally…

In the current world climate, it can be easy to find yourself shouting at your partner and hating the very sight of them. You might be believing they’re somehow failing you, or you are somehow failing them. You might be feeling unsafe, rather than wanting to be close, loving and intimate. You might be feeling stuck, rather than free, easy, holding space for your partner and yourself to be just as you are…

To manage stress, even to become a master of stress resiliency, you first need to understand it. This is where neuroscience can help.

Neuroscience reminds us there are two facets of stress- both the stress and the stressor.

And there are two kinds of solutions- the external and the internal.

Let’s start with understanding the difference between the stress and the stressor.

The stressors are the things that activate a stress response in your body, by indicating they can do you harm.

A stressor can be anything you see, hear, smell taste, touch, feel or imagine.

A stressor can be external to you:

a difficult conversation with your partner or your boss
a bill arriving in your Inbox
the latest home loan interest rate rise
an expectation of your culture for you to behave a certain way as husband, or wife
a smell that reminds you of an unpleasant encounter
an unwelcome touch
a reasonable request for attention from your partner that you do not have the energy to meet.

There are also internal stressors:

self criticism
lack of self worth
lack of sleep
unresolved feelings from your last argument
memories
uncertainties about the future.

The stress is the neurological and physiological shift that happens when you meet one of these stressors.

It’s the rush of neurological and hormonal activity generated by your body, in its evolutionary adaptive response that helps us survive threats. Where we become instantly more switched on, focussed in the moment, ready to deal with whatever looms before us.

Whether it’s to run, fight or freeze.

We also experience a range of feelings such as annoyance, frustration, anger, anxiety, uncertainty, fear, numbness, sluggishness, disconnected.

Our entire body and mind changes in order to deal with this threat, perceived or real.

As we know, most of our threats are more psychological than physical these days. Unless you are unlucky enough to be a victim of a crime or domestic violence.

Once our stress response sees that it has been successful in dealing with the threat it relaxes, and there is relief or celebration. We then return to our normal resting and sociable state. All is right with the world and we once again feel safe.

Our stress response is built to be a short term response.

It’s meant to be immediately resolved.

Our stress response is not meant to be long term.

In modern life we have fewer life threatening stressors, but many more frequent ones.

Frequent small stressors make relationships complicated.

Because we might want to run away from our partner at times, in order to resolve our stress.

Or to throw our wine in their face or strike out at them in the perceived (and occasionally real) threat they represent to us.

Yet we can’t.

We’re supposed to be nice, connected and loving.

And to stay in relationship with this person.

So we need more effective ways of dealing with the situation rather than just relying on our stress response.

Particularly as unresolved stress becomes chronic.

Our stress response keeps activating and we become stuck in the stress cycle. Boredom in the bedroom

We can unconsciously start to see our partner as a source of threat, rather than one of love, support and desire.

Leaving us feeling unsafe.

Making us want to protect ourselves, rather than reach out.

Chronic stress has many physical impacts

Chronic stress can leave us with high blood pressure and heart disease. It can have us reaching for the antacid tablets as the blood rushes to our muscles rather than our gut. This is so we can flee or fight, rather than our stomach digest, a secondary concern in times of stress. Blood doesn’t flow to our genitals as much either, for that matter. Chronic stress also leaves our immune functioning lowered and our sleep poor. Overall leaving us less equipped to deal with, or enjoy life.

Chronic stress can also leave us effectively “playing dead”. When the gazelle can no longer out run the lion, it plays dead. This is in the hope the lion will lose interest and leave it alone. In chronic stress playing dead can leave us feeling stuck and unmotivated, with no answers, nor ability to find any.

The impact of unresolved stress is pretty damning.

So how do we deal with BOTH the stress and the stressor?

We approach it from two different angles.

We find external solutions that deal with the stressor.

ie. we find the modern day equivalent of running from the lion.

We refinance our home loan, adjust our budget spending, change jobs, take time out until we can re-engage with our loved one, or we ask for help.

We make the time to share with our partners what is going on for us. We make the effort to listen non judgmentally when our partners share. We come back to a place of connection.

Even more importantly, we find internal solutions to clear the stress.

The physiological impact of stress that we still carry in all parts of our bodies. Even our hearts, minds and genitals.

The good news is that clearing our stress internally allows us to come up with easier external solutions. This is because we come back into safety and connection with more of our executive brain function.

Let’s get physical

We can do this firstly by getting physical. It’s the most efficient way to deal with stress. Hula hoop boundaries

Doing between 30-60 mins of exercise a day, in whatever form works for you. Whether it includes taking the stairs, going for a walk or run, having a game, doing a workout.

It’s even more efficient when we’re doing it with intent. Going for a run, or a bike ride, or dancing around the living room, actively knowing we’re releasing our stress.

There are other ways too.

Ways that are more tantric. Such as:

deep breathing
meditating
having a good cry (watch your fave weepy movie)
throwing a temper tantrum to safely release anger (in a private space)(very tantric!)
expressing your feelings creatively through journaling or art
getting a good nights rest
having positive social interactions. This is where connecting with your girlfriends, or your mates, can be a more effective stress reliever than your partner. (Provided you don’t just whinge about your partners.
having a good laugh (hang out with friends or watch your fave funny movie)

You can also choose to promote stress relief WITHIN your relationship

This kind of intimacy also works beyond the level of the mind to show you that you are once again safe.
Creating safety and connection at the same time.

You can do this through affection, by hugging each other until you’re BOTH relaxed for example.

Or lying together and deep breathing.

Or as relationship researcher John Gottman suggests, doing the six second kiss.

You need to connect to the part of you that still loves this person (trusting that you do in there somewhere) to be able to complete these suggestions.

You can even occasionally have sex to help relieve tension.

Be aware that having this kind of sex consistently drains energy from your pleasure, and from your relationship. It is much better for your sex life, and your relationship, to come to sex already relaxed and connected.

Each of these solutions are backed by scientific research.

They’re also supported by tantric philosophy that sees stress as withheld energy that needs clearing, making way for pleasure and connection to arise.

You’ll know you’ve cleared your stress because you’ll feel clear, alive, safe, ready and able to connect with the world again.

Bringing us home to ourselves, to life, and to each other again.

If you would like support to become stress resilient in your relationships contact us here and we’ll support you in finding your unique way forward.

Wet does not always mean horny and dry does not always show disinterest.

February 7, 2023 By Annette & Graeme 2 Comments

This belief about wetness = horniness has been around sex for decades now.

It’s one that has totally messed with both women’s and men’s heads, by making them think something is wrong if it’s not happening.

It’s just not necessarily true.

The porn fallacy of wetness

This belief has been paraded around in pornography with women showing up wet and horny for sex no matter what the occasion.

Whether it’s for the car salesman who has just offered her a discount on her new Subaru if she’ll put out.

Or for the policeman who has offered to wave her ticket for a blowjob. Or it might be for the cowboy who has just turned up on his horse with a slow, lazy twang in his voice. (Hmm…that could work).

Women in porn are shown as hot and wet even in the hard core versions where there are no corny scenarios, they just get into it. (Which can sometimes be a relief to be honest…)

Romantic books and movies more subtly, yet still undeniably, hint at a woman’s readiness, assuming wetness. With lovers being able to get right into it without having to reach for the lube.

Being wet and hard is taken for the ultimate indicators of sexual readiness.

‘Getting wet’ is seen as important as ‘getting hard’ is, to the idea of sex. (Although less biologically necessary, like male nipples, but still very pleasurable.)

The really important thing to know about a woman’s state of lubrication is that it can be, and often is, separate to her desire for sex.

Just like a man’s erection can be.

Even though a man with an erection is rarely portrayed outside of a sexual context.

An erection can be stirred into being by sexual thoughts, or the proximity of a gorgeous woman.

At other times, especially during the painful teenage years, erections can arise at the most inopportune moments. Like wearing speedos at the school sports. They also happen two or three times a night with no sexual context at all, not even an erotic dream.

Even though this is rarely portrayed outside of a sexual context.

An erection is often stirred into being by sexual thoughts, or the proximity of a gorgeous woman.

At other times, especially during the painful teenage years, erections can arise at the most inopportune moments. Like wearing speedos at the school sports, or two or three times a night with no sexual context at all, not even an erotic dream.

Wetness and hardness are physiological responses.

We learn to relate them to sex.

They’re just not necessarily related to sexual desire, which is more complex.

How can wetness and hardness be a learned response?

For example, the last time you went to this restaurant you and your partner had great sex in the car going home. So, you feel a little aroused, and a little wet just ordering dinner there. Or, if you had been caught masturbating and shamed as a child you might not have a full erection when you feel aroused, in order to avoid the shame. Though in this case, you unlearn having an erection.

Men can be wet too.

It’s interesting to note here too that men also have sexual wetness. This is because both genders start out with exactly the same genitals in the womb. They just get organized differently, according to their biochemistry during conception and foetal growth.

Women have lubricating glands at the mouth of the urethra, called Skene’s glands. These glands swell during sexual arousal making it difficult to pee during sex. They’re also believed to produce the fluid known as female ejaculate. (Now women have fluids that they ‘shouldn’t’ emit, such as urine, and fluids they ‘should’- wetness and ejaculate. What does my body want again?)

Men have corresponding glands found just below their prostate. These are called Cowper’s glands, (it would be great if we name things after their function rather than who discovered them) that emit something known as pre-ejaculate. Which happens very little for some men, just a drop or two sometimes, and quite a lot for others. It’s the way they’re made.

The difference is, there isn’t such a song and dance about it.

So as difficult as it may be, we seriously need to totally unhook this belief that wetness and horninness automatically go together.

Because wetness can be a learned physiological response to a sexual situation that has very little to do with desire. It’s why both men and women can have arousal and even orgasms whilst being raped. It in no way means they wanted it.

It also used to be believed that a woman couldn’t get pregnant without having an orgasm so if she got pregnant during a rape she was believed to have enjoyed it, really.

Listening to what she says is important.

On the other hand, a woman can really desire sex and be totally wanting it without being wet. It’s happening everywhere else in her mind and body except there. It’s just the way she it. It doesn’t mean she is broken, or disconnected from her body or lying.

How does a man know this woman is wanting sex? By understanding this difference and listening to her. If she says she really wants it (excluding any trauma responses she may be overriding) then she likely does.

Just smile and pass the lube…

Undoing our conditioning

We can undo decades of confusion, shame and invalidation for women right here.

And some for men too.

And help women love their bodies exactly as they are.

Which is the number one pathway to expanding a woman’s sexual pleasure.

We’ve heard it works pretty well for other genders too.

Celebrating Your Relationship: What are the Benefits and How to do it

November 30, 2022 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Did you know that celebrating your relationship can actually enhance it??

Often when we actively focus on our intimate relationships we focus on what is wrong with them.

This might be because when everything is going ok we tend to put them on automatic pilot.

We unconsciously believe that our relationships will take care of themselves and that they will always be there when we want them. Kind of like falling back into our favourite old sofa with the faded cushions, or our favourite David Bowie tshirt worn soft with washing.

This is SO not true.

Our relationships are a reflection of ourselves.

And like us, they’re a force of nature that is always changing.

Our relationships are either growing or dying, they’re never standing still.

That’s why taking the time to celebrate them is a good thing.

It helps them to grow. Celebrating our relationships is like sprinkling them with a dose of water, sunshine and a dash of Miracle-Gro.

This might sound like a fairly superficial thing to do.

Yet researchers at Stanford University in the US have found celebration has such a positive effect it’s set to become the next big thing, the new wave of gratitude.

Why is this so?

Well, it’s partly because we so often focus on the negative, or fear producing parts of our relationships.

We do this because our minds most instinctive response is to protect us, to keep us safe, in order to procreate the species.

And to show us where change is needed. Fear = action = change.

The downside of this protection is that can make our relationships appear in our minds to be more negative than they really are. Which is reinforced by something called confirmation bias. Our minds keep looking for what is familiar that make it seem true. This is our tendency to interpret new evidence as confirmation of our existing beliefs or theories.

Which can lead us to feeling stuck in our relationships.

We just ruminate on the bad bits without actually doing anything constructive to change what’s not working.

a happy couple This mindset can also lead us to unconsciously see our partners as a source of pain, rather than one of love or pleasure. Which causes us to unconsciously put up walls to protect ourselves when we’re around them.

Which makes deep intimacy, the place where our walls come down a little (or a lot) so we can connect with each other, seem scary. At least, scarier than it otherwise might be.

Deep intimacy always involves a little bit of fear, because of its very nature. It’s more than just sharing our time, company and points of view. It’s about revealing parts of ourselves we otherwise keep hidden from the world.

So, celebrating our relationships works at many levels to enhance them.

Celebrating reminds us of what is good in our intimate relationships.

Celebration not only makes us feel good, it draws us closer together. Because it helps us to open our hearts. It even works on our unconscious mind. It helps this part of us to see our partner as a positive source of love and pleasure. This helps us drop our walls around them a bit more, creating more rewarding intimacy.

How DO we go about celebrating our relationships?

It doesn’t have to be anything large.

The main thing is that it is genuine.

It can be:

As simple as taking the time to hold your partner and look them in the eye. Then saying “Out of all the people in the world I’m really glad I am sharing my life with you
Reflect on some wonderful times you’ve had together (even if they were a long time ago).
Having dinner together, getting dressed up, making it a special occasion. Doing it with the intention of celebrating your relationship
Buying your partner some flowers, or a small, meaningful gift you made
Trying a new adventure activity together- hiking, skiing etc
Go out for ice cream in your pyjamas
Reflect on the your best lovemaking experience- what made it great?
Go to the beach and build a sandcastle that reflects your relationship
Read parts of a steamy novel to each other
Make love slooowly- whilst celebrating all the times you have made love together
Play hide and seek- spice it up!
Watch a sunset or gaze at the stars or the moon together
Do couples yoga
Play “never have I ever” and learn something new about each other
Write each other a love letter
Have a photo shoot, take playful shots of each other and make a collage
Do whatever it is that is fun for the two of YOU.

Couple Communication: Finding the Gifts in your Messiness

June 24, 2019 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

We often call couples communication the finer art of the shit fight.

This is because it can get messy at the speed of light!

Part of the skill in couple communication is in learning how to get better at staying out of the messiness.

Another important part is getting better at dealing with the messiness once you’re there.

Problems in communication are usually seen as the No.1 issue in relationships.

If effective communication in an intimate relationship was easy, everybody would be doing it. But if it isn’t don’t beat yourself up. Graeme and I have been doing it with awareness for years now and we still get caught up in domestics at times!

Couples talk is particularly difficult because communication here isn’t just an exchange of information and ideas. It’s the one place we can’t avoid the messiness of feelings, emotions and deep human need.

Not to mention that we’re communicating with someone who is extremely important to us. Someone that we don’t want to lose by messing things up. We probably carry fear too, about going back into places where we’ve been hurt in the past. Or where we’ve hurt our partner.

What’s really going on when communication gets messy?

Mostly what happens in moments of painful communication is that we make what is happening wrong. We put up walls around the discomfort that occurs inside of us.

Messiness might look like ‘something being wrong’, yet despite appearances, it’s actually part of your relationship growth cycle. Much relationship conflict comes from making the messiness wrong. And from losing connection with yourself as you try to avoid the uncomfortable feelings that result.

When you lose this connection, your partner becomes the enemy and you drop into strategies of defensiveness and protection. You seek control, rather than connection and understanding.

“Almost 90% of all human communication comes from the (usually unconscious) need to control.”
Saying What’s Real, 7 Keys To Authentic Communication, Susan Campbell, PhD

Exploiting the truth

In our human messiness, our logical minds try to help out by rationalising our behaviour. We exploit elements of the truth to get us off the hook of hurt. Speaking from our unfelt emotion, we go to elaborate efforts to justify our position. We also get very convoluted and irrational in our story-telling.

This is because our logical minds are compartmentalised, and their separate parts come up with different points of view. They can do this at the same time, even with totally opposing ideas! We then argue as if they all make sense. We take something that’s 10% true and elaborate it with 90% bullshit to make ourselves feel ‘right’ (ie safe). Graeme and I call this ‘going down the rabbit hole’.

Going down the rabbit hole

All this story-telling creates ‘mind-generated’ feelings that are mostly irrelevant to the feeling that was originally triggered. We’ve known couples who’d get into near-relationship-ending fights over the simplest of issues. This is because each person held tightly to their chosen 10% truth/90% bullshit story.

Get curious about the messiness in your Couple Communication

Rather than getting caught up in the messiness of your 90% bullshit and trying to understand it, try something different. See if you can identify the strongest negative point you’re trying to make (it’s usually about your partner).

This is where the gold is in your Couple Communication.

You can tell it by the sharp increase in emotion, the increased volume in your voice. It might be the knife twist in your gut or the desire to commit some kind of physical violence.

When you’ve identified it, counter-intuitive though it may appear, simply notice the response in your body that it creates. You might notice you’re tensing your shoulders, contracting in fear or wanting to attack, pull away, or go blank.

Getting grounded

Take a breath in and slowly let it out again, feel your feet, get grounded in your body. Taking this deep breath helps to soften your reaction. Your body will intuitively begin to feel safe, allowing you to thoughtfully respond rather than react. Any emotional discomfort will then pass more quickly because you’re not resisting it or escalating it.

This will help you intuitively identify your 10% truth in the situation. Ask yourself what you’re avoiding in yourself by pushing this point? Most likely, you’ll see that it usually involves owning something imperfect and vulnerable about yourself that you want to hide.

At this point it seems easier to own it than to face going further down the rabbit hole. This is the gift of the messiness, it helps you get real if you know where to look.

Deflating your partner’s 90%

Take a risk if you sense that your partner is getting lost in their mind’s 90% bullshit and trying to hook you into their drama. Identify and own YOUR part in the 10% truth, because it will be there.

This truth is why the two of you unconsciously chose to be in relationship with each other so take the risk and show up here. Doing so will change the fabric of your relationship. Telling the truth, no matter how challenging it might appear from the outside, will reward you with an inner strength that is worth the risk.

The truth in you will help your partner to reconnect with what is true in themselves, if they can hear it.

Taking a breath and getting grounded helps you get present with what you’re saying and hearing.

It helps you realise that there is nothing you really need to prove, protect, defend or hide.

When you get this, you’ll find that love arises, making it easier for you to each change what you’re saying into something useful. And to listen more clearly.

This creates greater intimacy and closeness rather than misunderstanding, pain and separation in your relationship. It allows you to see your messy couple communication as a potential gift rather than a threat.

This blog is an excerpt from our book Coming Together: Solving the Mystery of Intimate Relationship, to see it click the link.

If you would like any personal support in your Couple Communication email us here.

Is fear keeping you from what you’re most longing for?

October 23, 2018 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

In your relationship fear might be keeping you from:

Feeling a greater connection to, or more love from the person you’re with.

Or even more freedom in loving them.

Perhaps you long for more love or pleasure in the bedroom but you’re too scared to bring the subject up.

Most of the things we truly long for live on the other side of fear.

This place of fear was certainly true for a lovely couple who came to see us recently. But they were both able to reach inside themselves and find the place that courage lives. Now they’re reaping benefits that had been unimaginable just a few days ago.

So what if it was actually true?

That it was only your fear that was keeping you from what you most want.

If so, there IS something you can do about it.

Fear.

What does this word bring up in you?

Perhaps familiar butterflies in your stomach, a slight nausea, a crippling anxiety or possibly a deep-seated terror?

Or you might have no bodily response at all, just a mild interest in the idea.

Whatever your response is to fear you can be sure it lurks in at least a part of what’s keeping you from more of what you’re longing for.

Surprisingly, it’s probably not that your partner is insensitive, uncaring, selfish or uninterested.

It’s just as likely your fear is not allowing you to let them see you fully.

It seems easier, and safer, to stay behind your fears and not give them voice.

To see the situation as your partners fault.

To view your fear as your being weak, cowardly and something to be ashamed of.

Or as something too big for you to control.

What actually IS fear?

We see fear as emotional energy in your body.

An energy that we have a choice over how to deal with it.

Commonly we attach fear based thoughts to our fears and give them much greater power than they deserve.

Fear is part of being human and there is nothing wrong with you if you’re experiencing it.

In fact, fear in your body is the same thing as excitement.

You might remember the early times in your relationship, or even the ones way back in your teenage years where your fear almost felt like excitement, swinging wildly between the two in a way that was intoxicating…

The only difference is in how we manage this energy (and the stress hormones that arise along with it) in our bodies.

In excitement we keep breathing and tell ourselves something good is going to happen.

In fear we shallow our breath (or even stop breathing) and tell ourselves something bad is about to happen.

What can you do about your fear so that it no longer limits you?

Understand that fear is energy in your body, one that you have control over.
Come into the present moment and ask yourself if you’re in actual physical danger (which is quite rare for most of us, most of the time)? If yes, do what you need to find safety.
Identify the signs of fear in your body- tension, butterflies, tingling, nausea, cold, sweating, feeling unsafe.
Acknowledge them, and make them ok.
Take some slow, deep breaths, imagining your body being strongly supported by the earth below you. If your body knows it has room to breathe, it knows that it is safe.
If you’re in a high state of fear look closely at the palm of your hand and let it’s realness ground you.
Notice the thoughts you’re choosing about your fear and whether they’re accelerating or decreasing it eg. An accelerating thought is “My partner isn’t looking at me or taking any interest in what I’m trying to do or say and this means they don’t love me”. A decelerating thought is “My partner isn’t looking at me, maybe they’re just tired and I’ll get curious and ask them”.
Soothe yourself by choosing only thoughts that do the latter. This doesn’t mean living in a fairytale and imagining everything is wonderful but making some realistic choices. Feel your body responding to increased breathe and soothing thoughts.
Once you have your fear under control do whatever it is you’ve been afraid to:

Tell your partner what’s in your heart
Get curious, rather than judgmental about their response, you might learn something
Do something for them even if it’s challenging for you, especially something they’ve been wanting from you
Have a conversation about sex, begin gently with some positive comments and own your concerns as yours and be open to what you might discover.

With any of these steps you’re not necessarily assured of a successful outcome.

But you definitely WILL benefit from the courage you find in yourself to make these steps happen and who knows what is possible on the other side of fear- it’s where most of the really good things in life live.

If you’re looking to take further steps to create more of what you’re longing for in your relationship why not join us for our upcoming weekend workshop Nov 9-11?

Men: Improving Your Strike Rate

April 19, 2018 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Guys, could you do with more quality sex in your life?

If your answer is yes, improving your strike rate happens by avoiding the following bedroom blunders that will instantly shoot your desire in the foot. They’ll not only make the rejection you expect more likely, they’ll put sex on the back burner for your woman too.

It’s not because she doesn’t want you.

It’s because she’s made differently (as you might have noticed…)

We’ll show you what to do instead to hugely improve your strike rate in the bedroom (without the need for ball tampering…)

Common Bedroom blunders:

Believing she doesn’t want you.

There will be times that this is true, this is just life and don’t take it personally. It’s that she’s stressed out, busy, tired, worrying about the kids or her friend or her ageing parents etc. Underneath all this she’s likely to want sex as much as you do and it’s important to remember it, as it makes it easier to correct No. 2.

2. Expecting her to make the first move.

Sure, she will sometimes be hot to trot and put the moves on you, but mostly she’ll be waiting for you to approach her. It’s just the way she’s made, she wants to be wanted as it validates her desirability and gives her confidence to step into her sexual power (just like you do really). So instead of waiting, step up and make the move.

3. Using a language that will push her away.

Men tend to think about sex itself as the goal, and along the way they get connected with their woman. She will come to sex wanting to feel connected with you. So, let your language reflect that you see this about her clearly. Instead of asking for sex make it personal, let her know you want ‘her’ not just sex.

4. Being covert to avoid rejection

Because being rejected is so painful many men will allude to getting sex by making hints or jokes instead of asking for it outright. They’ll say something like “the kids are in bed early tonight so I’m in with a chance, am I?” Make your approach direct. Look her in the eye and ask straight up with a smile.

5. Wanting to fix her

It’s been said before, but we’ll say it again. Women mostly want you to just listen rather than to be fixed, so when she talks just listen. Don’t offer a solution unless she asks for one.

6. Not taking care of yourself

You might have noticed the guy with the beer gut and bald spot who still thinks he’s God’s gift to women, yet a woman who looks like Elle McPherson can be riddled with self doubt?

Don’t just take it for granted that you’re attractive, make the effort to at least have clean teeth, fresh breath, and a clean body. Take an interest in your physical wellbeing and keep as fit and healthy as you can.

7. Wanting to take

Men do this when they’re not connected to their hearts in sex. We don’t mean loving to your partner but being connected to your own heart, inside your body. To do this slow down, breathe deeply, put your attention on your body and what you’re feeling, especially around your heart. Doing this will help you make sex about sharing rather than taking, as women can smell this in a man and will pull back (unless she’s in the mood to ‘be taken’, then ravish her with all you’ve got). Remember her pleasure is as important as yours (as your pleasure is as important as hers). Take your time and go on a journey together, rather than just rush to the destination.

8. Neglecting non-sexual touch

It’s hard for a woman to stay present in her body, trying to do everything she’ll disappear into her head and not be aware of the sensual part of her. Feel your desire in your own body, don’t be afraid of it. This is why women love bad boys who carry lots of sexual energy front and centre- they make them feel. You don’t need to be like that, just let yourself feel your desire, relax into it by breathing deeply, then touch her from this place in you. Do so without the goal of immediate sex. Give her a kiss, a melting hug, stroke slowly along the back of her neck, shoulders or lower back to help her get into her body. Look into her eyes and caress her face for a moment, give her a kiss or a smile. Caress the sides of her breasts or hips, don’t go for her nipples, butt or her genitals, as this will shut her down if she’s not warmed up. Leave her wanting more. This is why women love bad guys- they make them feel.

9. Avoiding your truth

Challenge yourself to be honest about yourself and what you feel, rather than avoid difficult conversations and disappear into the office or the garage. Your woman can feel this strength and alignment in you and will be attracted to it (even if it may piss her off at times!). One of the things you need to be honest with ourself about is the fact that you’re not entitled to sex, nor can you expect your partner to give it to you. Sex is something you co create the conditions for it to happen in, taking this approach makes you more creative and frees up resistance in your partner.

10. Fearing being rejected.

Men propose, women dispose. The way to deal with rejection is being willing to feel it. This might sound like a recipe for self-flagellation but it’s actually the opposite. The more you fear and resist rejection (which is a physical and emotional pain) the more intensely you feel it. Ironically, if you’re willing there is no wall for the rejection to cut through and hurt. Any rejection you do feel can be actively breathed through your body to release it. It sounds weird but it works. The more you practice this the less pressure your woman will feel from you allowing her to find her own desire and step closer.

See which ones might be true for you, take them out of your sexual repertoire and notice your sex life significantly (if not amazingly) improve!

And if you’d like any further assistance putting these tools into use call Annette & Graeme on 1800 TANTRA or email here for a chat.