You might be thinking you’re really hot to trot and you can’t wait to have some hot sex!
Or, if you’re of the more enlightened type, you might be thinking you really desire to make love. To surrender into a beautiful place with your lover…
the event happens.
And all the things you wanted to happen, happen.
You might be left thinking that something was missing.
Or you may even have felt, or thought this, during the event.
You’ve got no idea why, or where to look for an answer.
Well, we’ve got the answer for you here
And it’s not likely because your lover did a bad job.
It happens because at a conscious level, you could see what you wanted and why.
Yet at an unconscious level, you were operating in a whole different way.
Your unconscious mind is very sneaky.
Well, it’s not really sneaky, it’s just that you can’t see it. It’s under the surface of your awareness.
Until it gets revealed by what seems like a lucky accident, which is really no accident at all.
As when you bite into an Anzac biscuit and get flooded with feelings and memories associated with the golden, crispy sweetness of Anzac biscuits in the past. Maybe even right back to childhood. Or, it might be an unlucky accident that takes us back to an unpleasant association, making our unconscious seem like a bad thing.
Your unconscious mind isn’t good or bad, as you’ll see, it’s just efficient
Our unconscious mind is not just this dark cupboard where things get stashed out of sight so we don’t have to deal with them.
Kind of like those now embarrassing fashion, or furniture choices we regret, or things we meant to throw out or repair, but never got around to it.
Our unconscious mind is not even a location. It’s a living, functioning psychological matrix.
Its job is to incorporate our unseen parts into a more integrated whole. So becoming aware of things that lie under your mind’s surface is not a lucky accident. It’s your unconscious mind at work.
How is this relevant to your lack of sexual fulfilment?
Your unconscious, ever the opportunist, can try and sneak your deeply held needs into sex, under the guise of sexual desire, in order to get them met. When the needs might not be about sex at all.
This not only detracts from the free flow of your life force energy and reduces your capacity for pleasure. It also leaves you more open to being hurt or triggered when these unconscious needs are met.
When you identify and acknowledge your unconscious needs they no longer act as blocks
If you’re not fully satisfied by the sex you’re having, ask yourself whether you’re really having sex to:
- Be needed
- Be validated
- Get love
- Act out or relieve shame
- Express anger covertly
- Be physically close but avoid intimacy
- Have power over something/someone
- Get high to avoid real life/relationship issues.
Do you feel any emotional or body response to any of the suggestions on this list? If so, they will be a good place to start looking.
One of the best ways to help you identify any unconscious needs in sex is through your emotions. As your emotions are messengers of your more primal, unconscious mind. Yet we mostly miss out on these gifts of understanding because we make these feelings wrong.
Making What You Feel Wrong
We all have moments in lovemaking where the pleasure, intensity, excitement or feelings of any kind seem to disappear, or even refuse to show up at all. Instead we can feel an emotion surfacing. We stuff it down, thinking that emotions aren’t cool in sex, missing an opportunity to learn about ourselves.
“Emotion plays an enormously important role in sexual desire, arousal and fulfilment. Feelings make sex matter.”
The Erotic Mind, Jack Morin
The emotion isn’t wrong, it just is. It’s your unconscious speaking.
How to Identify Your Unconscious Need:
Being with the truth of whatever is in the moment is the doorway to greater understanding.
- take a moment to connect with the emotion
- focus on where the feeling is in your body
- take a breath into that part
- accept it as a messenger
- Stay present with it until you get some insight into what is going on under the surface.
Then come back and start making love again if you want.
Or you can do this after the lovemaking, when the sense of something wrong or lacking about the sex you had arises.
It takes acceptance and acknowledgment
When you discover what the real need is for you under the sex, you can just acknowledge it.
To yourself, and if you wish, to your partner. Sometimes this is all that needs to happen, just acknowledgment.
If the need still feels real, you can go about getting it met in another way.
Leaving your lovemaking a clear space for pleasure, connection and love to flow.
Without it being highjacked by your unconscious.
And with the bonus of you feeling better about getting your needs met in an authentic way.