Are we as women blocking an important pathway to pleasure?
Is it time we became Sisters Doin It For Themselves?
In my younger years, my prevailing belief about a woman’s sexual pleasure was, to find the perfect lover who would magically make it all happen as he opened my body to unimaginable heights of pleasure with stars of love in my eyes. This belief is at least partially inspired by romance novels with lines like “He gazed passionately into her eyes before leaning in to kiss her, his tongue expertly caressing her depths, instantly awakening flames of passion deep inside of her” etc etc.
Women have been subtly (and not so subtly) conditioned by society to the idea that it is a man’s ‘job’ to ‘provide for his woman’, unconsciously encouraging her to see the male lover as the one holding the power and prowess in the bedroom. But does it have to be this way? One of my recent Hollywood idols (yes, there still lives a teenager inside me!) Matthew McConnaughey (think Magic Mike) was dethroned in a live interview on The Actors Studio (see You Tube) by his wife Camila when she stated she wished occasionally when Matthew was home that he behaved more like the ‘throw her against the wall and ravish her’ kind of guy he portrays in his movies! Matthew grins and agrees.
This is a good reminder that men are simply perfectly imperfect human beings, just like us, not necessarily Gods in the bedroom.
This deeply infectious conditioning is also supported by our biology, as our sexuality is experienced through the body’s autonomic nervous system. The challenge of the autonomic nervous system response is that it works largely beyond the mind’s conscious control where we can’t ‘will’ it to happen, as anyone trying to ‘force’ arousal or orgasm to happen very quickly discovers. This is where we as women have traditionally handed control of our pleasure, often idealized as the woman’s surrender, over to her lover.
Yet this idea of the man being the sole provider of our pleasure can be a very one hard to give up.
But ladies it is time to do exactly that if your attachment to this romantic scenario is getting in the way of your pleasure. For when you’re pining for the perfect partner who can effortlessly make it all happen you’re making yourself miserable over something that doesn’t actually exist.
There is no doubt about it, that we can experience our lovers as perfect at different times but it’s the idea that we need them to be like this always that gets in the way.
It’s very similar for a guy watching porn who fantasizes about the endlessly and effortlessly horny, wet and willing woman on the screen. If a woman believes she cannot experience pleasure without the perfect partner to do it for her, then she is totally giving her sexual power away. She is putting her focus and energy outside of herself and losing her voice to express what she wants and desires in the process.
In conscious lovemaking a woman really understands that pleasure is a co created experience and that she herself has much to bring. Women’s bodies take time, safety, relaxation and surrender, but can we also give it to ourselves? Where surrender is not so much to the skill of our lover but instead into surrender of our thinking minds to our feeling hearts and bodies, when we let go of trying, pushing, forcing and simply be in the moment open to pleasure arising.
Trusting, loving ourselves and our bodies, giving ourselves loving messages rather than critical self judgement. Feeling our own safety inside of us, wanting and desiring to be there and indirectly activating our autonomic nervous system whilst we’re at it!
When our partners are able to join us in this place of loving, wanting and desiring us, helping us feel loved, beautiful and safe it definitely enhances the impact of our efforts.
Yet if we are closed, untrusting of ourselves and our pleasure, physically tense and in self judgement, then the touch we experience literally feels much less pleasurable or maybe even intolerable.
The autonomic nervous system is very sensitive and requires nurturing. This is where it is important for us to know our own bodies, to be familiar with them through self pleasure, to not only know what they are capable of, but to love spending time there because if we are unwilling to spend time with ourselves, then how can we expect anyone else to?
In lovemaking with another it is absolutely OK to include touching your own body, for the pure pleasure of it, to co create.
If we’re not hoping or demanding that he totally looks after us, then the more your lover can soften and drop into his own feeling body, opening his own heart, deepening his yumminess and his presence with us, sharing the role of lover and co creating the experience.
Ways to claim your sexual power and enhance your pleasure:
- Take the time to stop, breathe, relax, connect with your own feeling body at the beginning.
- Trust that if you can be fully present in your body and open to whatever pleasure may arise then pleasure will happen. This trust activates your autonomic nervous system to do its magical work.
- Drop trying to perform as it will take you away from where you want to be.
- Believe how you are is perfect right now. Focus on how you feel rather than how you look.
- Allow self touch to be part of your lovemaking, not as a fallback position but as a joy. If your partner sees you he will likely be inspired to join in, once he knows it works for you.
- Connect with your heart, be how you are rather than how you think you (or your lover) thinks you should be.
- Allow any emotions to be felt, even if they feel inappropriate to the moment- as feeling them opens up new pathways to pleasure. Breathe, feel and allow.