Breathwork Sessions

Breathe your way to freedom…

Breathwork Sessions, are a simple and powerful pathway for any person seeking deeper connection with and understanding of their own emotional well being.

It is a safe way to overcome fears about feeling, and to learn how to really feel, rather than just “thinking” your feelings. Becoming more emotionally intelligent will bring much more joy, freedom, pleasure, love and enhanced relationships into your life.

In this gentle yet powerful process emotional freedom from feeling stuck, from long held beliefs, hurts and trauma’s can be achieved.

Each session is unique and will meet you exactly where you are at.

Annette & Graeme are both qualified and highly experienced as Professional Breathwork Practitioners and qualified counsellors. We have a wide variety of life experiences and professional skills that will support you during your session. We’re also experienced with relationship issues, being in our own committed and long term relationship. You may choose if you want either (or maybe both) present with you during your session. This can be relevant if the issues you are dealing with relate to the feminine or masculine in your life, sexual abuse or other trauma.

Breathwork Sessions require @2 hours

Sessions  start with communication around what is happening, or not happening, for you in your life. After instruction on the connected breathing technique, you lay down comfortably, with eyes closed and simply breathe. Once you relax into a connected continuous breathing pattern, your body will slowly drop into a relaxing state- similar to that just before you drop into sleep. In this place, you are able to witness your emotional pieces more clearly and painlessly. There will be gentle background music to help you relax and your mind to settle. With our support and guidance you have choices during the process. We don’t tell you what to do, we clarify your options, allowing you to choose  from a place of empowerment.  It works because normally when people come across unfamiliar or uncomfortable feelings, they move away from them, rather than feeling the feelings. the mind will then logically try to ‘fix’ the feelings, but all that is needed is to feel them. As people are guided and supported in being present with their feelings they find they are able to witness, feel and express their feelings and come to a place of understanding and resolution with them. Breathwork works quickly and often one session is enough. Sometimes, it may take more than one session to thoroughly integrate the layers in deep hurts, traumas or beliefs.

Trauma, Depression, Sexual Abuse

Although Breathwork can offer healing insights into any part of your life, dealing with deeply held and painful emotional wounds in a gentle but fully present and supported fashion is a strength of this type of session.  At all stages during this process and most importantly, after the session, you will be supported.  We are fully aware of the depth of this process and that clients need to feel safe as well as finish fully integrated and connected  after their session.

Each session has a full debrief afterwards and this will take as long as is needed. If you’re dealing with deep emotional trauma, such as sexual abuse we support you in your journey with follow up phone calls (at no extra cost to you) as required. As counsellors, with a background in Tantra we’re highly experienced in dealing with sexual abuse and other sexuality or relationship related issues.  At all stages, we understand how important it is that you feel safe and supported.

Inner Child

Your Breathwork Session  can  often guide you into connecting with your “inner child” self and this will give you not only a deeper understanding of your connection with this part of you, but also new insights into your self that will change your life. In this place, most of us carry deep unresolved wounds from childhood. Even those of us from happy families can, as growing up is a complex business and a child has many needs to be met. Your Breathwork Session will guide and support you in your journey into connecting with and integrating this part of you into your adult self an amazingly healing way.

Anger

If you feel you are holding onto repressed anger or rage, we can help you let go of this in a safe and complete way. Particularly, if you are a victim of abuse or an abuser, either emotional, physical or sexual, we can guide your connection into this part of you in a away that is safe and held that will set you free of being a captive in this pattern.   If you have a desire to go into your deeply held emotion or intensity, but have fear of letting go, a Breathwork session is the perfect place for you. In a session, you have a safe opportunity to look at and move into your intensity in  a way that is of your choosing and control.  Annette and Graeme have developed proven techniques that work with your energetic body in a consenting way that are truly life changing. This session is all about you, your journey and finding freedom from long held emotions, beliefs and patterns.

So if you believe you have unresolved issues you would like to deal with, or are feeling high levels of stress, depression, numbness, anxiety, uncertainty or you’re emotionally blocked the Breathwork process will have something to offer you.

If you would like to be more comfortable with your feelings and gain the many benefits and joys this will offer in your life Breathwork will show you how.

To make a booking or for any questions…..

Call us TOLL FREE 1800 826 872, or email link

 

Oztantra: The full spectrum Our latest behind the scenes look We have gone through some very subtle, yet significant changes here at Oztantra, over the last few years, including relocating from near Byron Bay NSW to Ballarat Vic… (why, we hear you asking?…  well, family & grandkids, definitely not for the weather!). Building on tantra Our own ongoing growth as facilitators, through a combination of professional training in psychology, psychotherapy and somatic based VITA coaching, personal therapy and ongoing tantric practice, creates a level of authenticity for our clients in every session that is both powerful and unique. We have intensified our relationship work by offering both face to face and online sessions This shift was partly due to covid, and also because we have seen that real change takes time.  Our workshops and retreats have been useful (even magical and transformative) portals for people.  We have now found that supporting couples/individuals 1:1 over the long run gives even better results. Whether this is for a short, or a longer time. Making the choice easy To help ease people into working with us 1:1 we offer free intro online sessions before clients commit (follow links above for an outline). We have found this to be beneficial for all concerned, as it provides confidence, trust and connection prior to commencement. You get to meet & greet us and feel what working with us in this way would be like before you decide. We advocate that if any session, either online or face to face doesn’t work for you, then there is no charge and you get to decide. Plus you receive a gift Clients who work with us also receive a copy of our book, Coming Together  which is our relationship guide that covers many areas of our work. Being trauma informed The personal and professional areas that we have developed compliment a broad cross section of the community by providing trauma informed specialist support. Often, we think of trauma as something big, like rape, assault or abuse. Something that happens to other people. Yet anyone can experience trauma in many areas of life, especially in our relationships. Places where we feel unseen, unheard, without the power to make choices for ourselves or be understood in deep emotional places by our partner. It is amazing how these experiences can subtly cause us to close off, protect or resist the places of intimacy and pleasure that we actually long for. We also cater for people with treatment resistant PTSD, complex PTSD, depression, anxiety, including healing both physical and sexual abuse. Being trauma informed means not only do we know what we are talking about, we have developed a deep capacity for empathy, compassion and empowering support. We have both lived through trauma, survived and thrived and we bring this into all our work. We know too, how ineffective mainstream therapy can be for some people in this situation. Again, this is why we say if you feel unmet or unheard during any session, there is no charge. We don’t support the power differential As a result of our own personal backgrounds, we are both comfortable in really being present and at ease with our clients. We don’t support or subscribe to the “power differential” so often used in mainstream therapies. We are not there to “fix” you, we are there in service of your desires, and to support you in accessing your divine truth. We’re not the experts you give your power away to. This more equality based approach is the way of therapy in the future. For business and personal We also support professional couples, who live and work together in their own businesses, which adds another level of complexity in relationship. Our own extensive business and farming backgrounds, coupled with psychology, psychotherapy and counselling training provide unique support for business clients, who live, love and work together. (Any session supporting the development of your business can also be tax deductable if you wish.) Other aspects of our work · Our own individual healing journeys coupled with our tantric training and experience provide insight into intimate relationship and sexual healing And into the real meaning of what an authentic sexual being looks and feels like, especially in relationship. · Men and women are different, sexually, and we support your empowered learning in your own unique version of yourself in your relationship. Our clients receive the benefit of understanding from our own healing journeys, as we both have chosen to not only learn from our pasts, but to understand, embody and show up in ourselves and bring this into our work. Women respond to Annette’s unique style in empowering women and men to Graeme’s straight masculine approach. · As long term professional Breathwork practitioners, we have found breathwork to be practical, safe and a powerful practise for healing deeply held grief, trauma and other emotional wounds. Breathwork provides supports you in finding clarity in your life that makes sense to you. · During our own intensive healing journeys, we both have both experienced Psychedelic Assisted Therapy  or P.A.T.   P.A.T is now legal in Australia and is a proven and powerful therapy (for PTSD & depression). Both of us have backgrounds of early childhood sexual and physical abuse and have benefitted from P.A.T and are open to discussing how this may support certain clients that struggle with treatment resistant PTSD & depression. · Any person who is coming from  an abusive background will feel safety with us, supporting and allowing their own healing to unfold. Our support is unparalleled Sessions always include follow up integration, prioritising our availability as required by phone or online. This is unlimited, as breaking the cycle of deep wounded patterns can be scary and intense, and after each session, when change is happening, we often find that a few minutes on the phone at that point can really support positive and sustainable change. We make time in supporting you in your moment of need (or as close as is possible), guaranteeing greater success in achieving your intentions. We believe this support is important, crucial even, and is why it is included in all sessions, as we go out of our way to provide clients with this immediate backup as required. In Summary In summary, our expertise, experience, qualifications and level of client focus differentiate us from mainstream therapists; · Relationships, working with you as a couple, imagine each session is with TWO therapists, a highly skilled male and female therapist… · Sexuality from a real and sustainable perspective, for BOTH, in any relationship. A perspective that invites authenticity, connection, love and support in each as individuals. · Coaching and facilitation of emotional intelligence training so you can self regulate and become self connected and empowered. · Communication, supporting both in being able to really speak, be heard and to listen clearly from both perspectives · Understanding the importance of the healthy male/female dance in relationship that creates safety and invites connection for both parties. · Supporting and facilitating coaching of healthy empowered masculine and female aspects of your choosing. · Our book, “Coming Together” is a comprehensive relationship & sexuality guide is available for clients, or can be purchased online… · Highly skilled in online sessions, maximising this convenience for busy couples regardless of time or location. · Support for your understanding of Psychedelic Assisted Therapy for PTSD & depression                                                         Business psychology for business couples, farmers and couples in remote communities. · Breathwork sessions, with over 20 years of experience · Couples Intimate Getaways where you can give your relationship the time and focus it deserves at a venue of your choosing. Or one that we can suggest, either in Daylesford/Hepburn Springs or Byron Bay. · Access to our blog plus our free newsletter  is easy to sign up to, (or un sign as we use mailchimp). Plus you get access to all previous newsletters. If you would like to know more, or even have a chat, feel free to contact us, either by email (if outside Australia) or simply pick up the phone and give us a call. Our Oztantra , Intimate Relationships (for those of you coming from a more mainstream view) & Psychedelic Assisted Therapy (for those interested in learning about this) websites are comprehensive and provides dozens of articles, podcasts and other information. If you’re seeking something and can’t find it, contact us and we can point you in the right direction. We would love to hear from you, and discuss what it is that you are seeking for yourself… Annette 0437 966 696 Graeme 0457 966 696 Annette and Graeme: For when you want the best for your relationship Or when nothing else works. Ph 1800 TANTRA info@oztantra.com

but you’re scared your partner won’t want to join you?

The time has come, you’re holding back no longer.

You’ve heard all this good stuff about sexuality for women and you want a piece of it.

Or maybe you’ve already had a piece at a workshop or course and you love it.

Now you want to bring it home to your relationship.

But you’re scared your partner may be too resistant to join you.

Or maybe you’ve already decided they WON’T want to join you.

So what do you do?

You remember that your partner may not be in the same place as you.

They may not have spent the last few months, or years, dreaming of this possibility.

They  are less likely to have read as many books, blogs or websites about tantric sexuality as you have.

Or to have attended a workshop.

They likely might be more satisfied with the sex they’re already having.

Your partner is a sovereign being just like you

And most importantly, they don’t HAVE to be in the same place as you.

What IS important is finding where you CAN meet each other.

And where you can be consensual in what you create.

Often where we start is:

I have noticed many women start to explore this part of themselves and then do one of two things in their relationships.

They blindly hope in their excitement that their partner will somehow automatically get where they’re at. And will magically meet them there.

Or they demand that they do, and blame them as inadequate, or uncaring if they can’t.

This is an understandable, but not useful way to go about getting what you want.

We know it comes from fear of not getting what you most desire.

Take a step back and step into your power

You need to remember that your partner is likely going to be scared too.

And they will have much less knowledge and experience than you. So they’ll have more reason to be challenged.

A fully empowered woman takes responsibility for her own reality.

She recognizes she has changed and that it’s taken a journey for her to get there.

Making her willing to explore her sexuality in her own right first.

Willing to get intimate with herself, before she asks it of her partner.

And she wants experiences with her partner to be mutual, with both of them wanting it.

Tantric Sex or golf?

YOU may want to have archetypal, primal or multidimensional, transcendent sex. Or do 20-30 minutes of state altering breathwork to expand your consciousness before sex. And your partner may NOT.

They may love to play golf (or whatever it is that they’re really into) and you may not.

Imagine if they dragged you unwillingly around the golf course. Trying to get you enthusiastic about their favourite game. Criticizing your attempts to get the ball on the green. Would it inspire you to want more?

It works the same with sex. There is no point trying to drag a person somewhere they don’t want to go. And we don’t really have the right.

What we DO have the right to do is express our desires

The smart thing to do is to express them consensually.

To listen to your partners desires as respectfully as you would like them to hear yours.

This is the first step.

Just to listen.

And to listen and share this practice some more.

Give this time to cogitate.

Then share this practice some more, and see where there might be mutual interests.

And build together from here.

It is an empowering mindset to believe that we can learn something beautiful from our partners too.

After all, they are the person we fell in love with.

Here is a simple practice for building towards the possibilities of rewarding consensual sex.

Loves, Fears and Desires

Here’s how it works:

You set up a time together and use the timer on your phone.

1. Each person shares for 3 minutes what they love about the sex they are already having.

(Even if they are struggling in their sex life there are likely to be SOME good things.)

(Or would like to have, if they are not having sex right now.)

Their partner just listens. Without saying anything. Noticing what they feel as their partner speaks, not making it wrong.

Then they swap over.

2. Then each partner shares for 3 minutes the fears they have about sex. Yes, we all have them.

Then swap.

3. Then each partner shares their desires in sex for 3 minutes.

It’s helpful to share about what you want without trying to make your partner responsible for giving it to you. You just put it out there.

On completion you simply thank each other.

Don’t keep dragging it on. Let it integrate.

Then try again later.

You may find that each time you try there might be more understanding of each other. More acceptance. More trust. More opportunity.

Give it a try.

And keep up your self pleasure practice in the meantime.

Even if you aren’t looking to be a Tantric Goddess (or Badass), but just want more fulfilling sex.

And if you would like support to go through this process or to further explore your desires in an experienced, non judgmental container contact us here or on 1800 TANTRA.

Your Yoni Holds So Much Power

It might sound hard to believe.

Yet it’s true.

Your Yoni.

She is your divine sacred space.

Your pathway to the exquisite, the infinite, magical, pleasure you were born for.

She offers you a path to personal empowerment, wisdom, joy, solace, healing, meaning, fulfilment,

even connection to the cosmos.

Even if you’ve been taught all your life that your Yoni is something to be ashamed of.

In feeling connected to, and at home in her, sex becomes deeply satisfying.

And so much more.

Self judgment and self doubt fall away.

Love and trust grow.

Pleasure expands and deepens.

Magic happens.

But first she needs a voice. And someone to listen.

The My Yoni Speaks Journal (seen above) is an offering from my Yoni (and my heart) to yours.

It is an opportunity to connect, listen, discover, love, live and grow together.

Yoni Speak is something that I first learned from tantra, and over the years it has become my bible for discovering more of myself, for loving more of myself and being more of the woman I am.

It might sound impossible.

I assure you it IS possible.

As women from across the world and that I have worked with have found out…

It just takes YOU to take a step.

My Yoni Speaks Guided Journal is
available on amazon.com

In both black and white, and colour (colour only from the US)

_______________________________________________________________________________________

You can also learn about Yoni Speak at my upcoming retreat:

My Yoni Speaks Retreat

My Yoni Speaks is a Free 3 Day Online Event to explore the intuitive wisdom of your Yoni.

This event runs online daily x 3 days @11am AEDT Daylight Savings Time (6pm PDT).

Discover for yourself how connection with your Yoni can enhance sensuality, give access to your inner wisdom, personal power and the Yoni’s intrinsic magic.

The Yoni is a much undiscovered and underused resource in our lives. This retreat will reveal how it’s a pathway to a more loving, fulfilling and rock solid relationship with ourselves.

This interactive retreat will offer the opportunity to discover how fully embodying your sensuality allows you access to your innate Yoni wisdom- for connecting with one is connecting with the other.

The retreat includes meditation, breathwork and simple sensual exploration practices so you can see for yourself how experiencing your Yoni automatically enhances self love, self compassion AND self empowerment.

Your Yoni is the voice of feminine power down the ages!

There will be a special offer just for the attendees of this event, so don’t miss out!

You will be emailed learning material for the event.

You’ll love joining others in discovering the juicy power that lives within them.

Be ready to have your world rocked (in a good way)
when you discover the power that lives in your Yoni.

Next Retreat Dates TBA
To register your interest email Annette HERE

 

And if you would like to join the My Yoni Speaks Facebook Group

CLICK HERE TO JOIN

 

Download your “My Yoni Speaks Retreat Handout” here.

This is an easy to find list of some of the articles available on this website

Anger
10 tips for more connection with your partner
Anal play
Dealing with Porn addiction
Breathwork Sessions
Chakra’s and your relationship
Cobra Breath
Couples Tantra Sessions
Couples Ultimate Getaways
Creating Synergy
Creating Safety
Death of Sex
Depression…making light of it
Domestic violence
Ecstacy unveiled
Emotional Intelligence
Ending a Relationship
Female Sexuality
Finding gold in your shadow
Gspot
Infidelity
Healing sexual abuse
Healing trauma
Healthy orgasm
Hot sex topics
Lasting Longer in sex …. for men
Tantra prevents boredom in the bedroom
I can’t get it up anymore
I don’t love you anymore
I was sexually abused  (Graeme’s personal journey)
Learning Tantra
Principles of tantra
History of Tantra
Tantra massage
Learning to feel
Managing premature ejaculation
Letting go of the past
Lingam healing
Maintaining your sense of self
Sense of masculinity
Mismatched libidos
Sexploration
More intimate sex
Multi orgasmic man
Our sex life is boring
Private couples retreat
Recreating the spark
Relationship Apathy
Relationship Communication
Detox your relationship
Relationship Juice
Reuniting sex and love
Separating ejaculation and orgasm for men
Sexual healing
Sexual surrogacy
Succulent steps for your relationship
Suicide
Tantra is saying YES
What is a Tantric Lover
Tantric Meditations
The Art of Relationship
Self Pleasuring
The kids have left home
The power of reverse polarity
Too tired for sex
Top tips to reignite the spark
We can’t stop fighting
What is tantra
What is tantric sex really like
What is in Tantra for me
Woman to woman
Yoni healing

Warning, this will upset some people

I  have successfully denied my experience my whole life, and even then, it has taken me well over a decade to penetrate my walls that I installed around myself.

I had totally denied it because it happened in my home at the hands of my mother, and was told, “don’t be ridiculous, a mother wouldn’t do that…”

My physical and sexual abuse was consistently along similar lines,  as a cruel punishment,  occurring about 8 – 9 times, starting when I was about 18 months old.

I recall the last time being excruciatingly painful, to the extent that I sometimes still experience that physical pain and emotional block I put in place from it 60 years later.

I was sexually abused and physically assaulted by my mother as a cold and cruel punishment for being a typical boy.

It felt like revenge…

My experience of  the actual sexual and physical abuse and my attempts to understand and come to terms with the levels of trauma associated, are insignificant compared to how cruel and unbelievably debilitating denial or “gaslighting” by family and community can be, and even decades later still impacts.

Even though the sexual abuse act itself is traumatic,  I found the denial, disbelief and isolation associated even deeper and more damaging.

Being told, “don’t be ridiculous” or ” She would never do that” was my normal.

Even to this day, as a result of my experience, I am still uncovering and dealing with decisions and beliefs that I adopted and I made about myself , especially in my relationships with woman.

I have encountered disbelief, denial and even rejection from many different people, from family to  professionals, that a woman, especially a mother could do something like this.

The act of abuse was bad enough, but is still insignificant in comparison to the self destructive beliefs that I chose to take on about myself as a result, especially from a place of low self esteem and feelings of rejection and isolation.

I am still working through these, including sexual shame over half a century later.

As a result of my own personal journey, I have learned how to deal with sexual abuse properly and thoroughly in my journey back into “normal” with website articles and book as testimony to my healing experience.

For this reason, professionally, I am very sensitive to any forms of abuse in both men and women, I have no filters that “deny” perpetrators.

Sexual abuse is a life sentence, a punishment for living

My childhood was during a time, and in an environment were this type of trauma was, and still is denied, with any form of emotionality regarded as a signal to “lock and load…”.

I can remember at times feeling totally overwhelmed with emotion, especially fear and being bluntly told to “grow up and stop being a sook”.

On top of all this, I still had a consistent and deep seated fear that this was an opening, a beginning, that there was more to go.

Little did I know at that time, that this “darkness” piece would take me years to unravel, until I finally relented and tried a chemical assisted session with MDMA  with a highly skilled professional.

I  discovered that there was more, an even earlier and darker trauma that was coming to the surface, and try as I did to deny it, this was even more scary.

The signs were there, regardless of how much I tried to deny them, my fear of water especially hot water; my inability to have anything touching my face; a certain type of dust; chewing my nails; my ability to hold my breath (asthma); my fear of intimacy and the big one was the same  reoccurring nightmare for over 50 years.

I had no cognitive memory of this earlier experience, only body held memory that in certain circumstances, every cell in my body would be screaming out in terror.

This felt very dark, solid and highly toxic.

The more I started exploring this deeper place, the more I felt intense fear or terror like nothing else and dug in, denied everything, hung on and avoided it at all costs…

Being told to “get over it” or “move on” was, and still is one of the cruelest phrases I suffered as a trauma victim, my response was to believe that I was dysfunctional, fucked up and obviously had something wrong with me.

This was my upbringing and how I was treated when I attempted to ask and talk about what happened.

Motivation  into uncovering my past and dealing with it was seriously kick started into action after marriage breakdown @ May 2001. I struggled, avoided, denied  and was in a terrible way, plus losing access to my children,  (because I was told that this was the way it was done and soon discovered that access was determined financially…) pushed me into a very dark place.

I found myself one morning in early August, out in the paddock, sitting in the front of my farm vehicle with a loaded gun ready to end it all.

I was moments away, when the family dog found me and jumped into the front of the vehicle.

That broke the spell, and I ended up out on the ground vomiting.

I  blacked out for a while…

A close friend who was a counselor “threw” me into a personal development workshop that began my healing journey.

During this workshop, I first met Annette, and this was late August 2001.

Since that fateful day in the vehicle, and starting with that ground breaking workshop, I have endured thousands of hours in many different modalities of therapy in my journey of uncovering my past and making some sense out of it all.

It surprised me in what therapies worked and what didn’t.

I always knew something, but simply struggled in comprehending and understanding, I refused to go there at all costs, especially the earlier trauma.

I trusted my ability to keep it all locked away…

I often remember times with family and friends when I was seeking answers, but I didn’t even know how to ask questions which most often didn’t go well for me.

I have memories of my behaviour at those times and still feel shame in how I acted.

I remember asking parents when I was an early teenager, and each time I was shut down, being told “don’t be stupid”, or “there is something wrong with you” etc etc.

40 years later, during another session, I realised that this was my age when my youngest brother was born and failed to understand why he was treated so differently from my own recollections of how I was treated as a child.

This realisation was a turning point, as I became increasingly aware of memories that were intensely fearful and painful, and again chose total denial to the extent that I couldn’t sleep, as my nightmares became relentless.

This intensity gathered momentum, particularly after I sold my farm and moved into town….

The process that helped to uncover and deal with this emotional mess is simple and safe, yet highly effective, called Breathwork

And, always the same nightmare.

During this time, @ 2005, I would wake up, sweating from fear, get dressed and walk down to the local 24hr servo for a coffee, usually around 4 am.

This went on for months.

During another therapy session, I was challenged to accept the nightmares as real and to try and connect with my body memory experience and have a look at what was in there.

There was some scary shit in there, that occurred  earlier and separate from the sexual abuse,  and the only thing I will say about it, was if that was true, then it is pure luck I am alive today.

For as long as I can remember, I have always woken up @ 4.35 am. I still do, but no longer in a gut twisting fearful  cold sweat.

In 2007, I participated in a workshop with a high profile psychologist from the U.S.

The exercise consisted of groups of 3 people , taking turns with one being wrapped tightly in a normal bed sheet, like a mummy.

The other 2 watched and supported with safe words and a quick exit if needed.

As soon as this was announced, I froze, seriously panicked, complete with a shaking cold sweat.

I said to her that I cant do this.

The rest of the group went ahead into the exercise while I froze in my panic  attack.

Eventually, I went ahead  and instantly the sheet was soaked with sweat, the fear was like nothing I had ever experienced before.

I was staring death in the face…

It felt like I was dropping down through layers, falling into oblivion.

I eventually realised that I was still blocking something and the psychologist asked  if she could place a pillow over my face, I agreed…

This was frightening beyond words, but was  going somewhere deeper. I suggested something bigger and a bean bag was placed over my face with the psychologist leaning on it.

The psychologist suspected what had happened to me and instinctively knew what to do, she was brilliant in her skill, empathy and encouragement.

That really nailed it for me as I connected and unlocked something deep inside, I screamed as if my life depended on it, I chose not to use the safe word…

I kept screaming for what seemed like ages, but I was told it was only 10 seconds or so.

This whole experience felt like it went on for a long time, 30 – 40 minutes, but they said it was less than 10 minutes.

Her debriefing afterwards was life changing for me and finally gave me a context to accept what happened, an understanding into some of the other aspects or signs that finally made sense.

She was also reassuring for me, as she also saw that women are just as capable as men of abuse.

I also realised that I had a long way to go, a lot of work to do and as Annette was also present, I didn’t need to explain it to her.

I felt incredibly lighter after the debriefing, free from something dark and with a room full of people sitting around watching…

This old trauma was been my normal from a very early age, because I didn’t know any difference I didn’t know how to look after myself.

My cold hard reality in life was my mother tried to kill me,

and on more than one occasion, which I have only recently eventually come to terms with by accepting this happened, but it still took until 2018, with my standing at the foot of her grave watching her coffin lowering into the ground to realise how true my experience was for me.

I have vomited from  pure fear during sessions exploring these places.

I still experience and regularly feel fear and anxiety, as apparently I experienced so much intensity at that early time, that how I survived was to compartmentalise those experience’s and not feel emotions, particularly fear, a genuine fear for my life.

I did my best for over half a century at avoiding owning that this was my reality, something in me wouldn’t accept it, simply because it was beyond my comprehension.

In 2018, at my mothers funeral, I was standing at my mothers grave, my gut feeling was all the confirmation that I needed before I could finally begin to accept what really happened to me.

I had a recollection of a conversation I had with mum when I was in my late teens, where she said that she had “severe and undiagnosed post natal depression after I was born….”.

That was all she said, and it was never mentioned again, although in later years it started to make sense as I was able to piece snippets of information together.

Several months after her funeral, I caught myself having a conversation with her, were I was asking her what happened and how she felt about it and why didn’t she talk to me about it.

I was in tears at how much life was avoided by not talking and placing all energy into denial.

I was driving a bulldozer at the time, as one of my main therapies is driving large earth moving machinery….(really works..you should try it some time…)

These past feelings are retained physically in my body, with no cognitive recollection.

Today, those feelings are still  surfacing and have gathered momentum after my parents funerals and they’re still intense, but are finally making sense.

Body held memory of pure terror often emerges when I am in intimate heart space, as it is in this space where the body memory resides and has always caught up with me the deeper I go. This has caused me and those around me a lot of hurt, frustration and anger.

My first life lesson in life was not to trust love

To survive, I invented shadow behaviour that worked for a while, but the more intimate, the more intense my feelings of terror.

Not surprisingly, my most powerful moment of clarity, was simply standing at the foot of my parents grave and looking at my mother’s coffin.

There would be a lot of shocked people there if they  only knew what was going through my mind and especially my feeling body..

I  am still  a runner and run most days and have found this to be one of my main coping and integrating strategies, it is my active meditation that still really works for me.

During 2017, I contracted Ross River virus, which really knocked me around, but I also discovered that underneath I was also suffering from chronic fatigue.

I was so fatigued and tired from holding all this emotional intensity, that it had become a physical struggle, aggravated by Ross River Virus.

My bootcamp instructor suggested techniques for moving through the chronic fatigue, which have really worked.

Accepting my past experience’s as real have stopped the nightmares

Many years later, my 2 regular nightmares have not returned, although my fear is still very real, usually intensified in intimacy….

At my grandmothers funeral in the early 1990’s,  I saw that I was named after my mother’s father, my grandfather.

I asked mum about him, and her answer was intense, she said  “ he was a drunk and a no hoper…”, but it wasn’t so much the words, but the intensity and venom with how she said it, that really stuck with me.

Again, nothing more was said.

By the time I began to have some sort of understanding of my stuff, mum had disappeared into dimentsia.

After mum’s passing,  I asked her brother about his father, and his response was that he was “strict, hard working and they had a good life..”

Making my Story Public is Important for me

Writing  and accepting my story and making it public is a significant part of this journey, as I had kept it too secret for too long.

I had decided years ago to keep all this to myself, but I now see that this has been to my detriment.

Standing at the foot of their graves after their funerals was a pivotal moment for me in coming to terms with my trauma and finding peace.

My answers came in the form of a deep knowing and acceptance of my past, and that there is nothing more for me to do about it, except find and accept my own clarity.

It was also clear that I speak about what happened to me, as I carry shame about my past, that there was something wrong with me that I deserved being treated this way.

I have  felt some sadness at their departure, but mostly sadness and grief in missing out on having  loving parental relationships.

I have finally been able to stop biting my nails, for the first time in 61 years.

I have been told many times to simply stop it… and finally I have, with the anxiety and fear  constant and unrelenting.

Several weeks into “simply stopping biting my nails”, I have been able to seperate the anxiety I feel and see it for what it is, pure unexpressed fear that I shut down many years ago and simply biting my nails was a way of shaming myself and avoiding feeling.

Those were my formative years and my early experience of  woman.

I chose to stay in my family environment after boarding school, because I so wanted to be a farmer and firmly believed that I would survive by closing down emotionally and keep  denying everything. I seriously battened down the hatches.

I did not know any difference, this was “normal”and I truly believed I could ignore my past, “put it all behind me and move on”.

That is the biggest bullshit statement that is possible to make to someone like me, who was suffering from trauma, anxiety or depression and I bought into it and did a great job on myself in the process.

I had created the perfect emotional shit storm to keep myself locked down .

Dad

During my middle teenage years, I went to boarding school, which gave me a much needed break, and also gave me another experience outside of my normal, although, in the first weeks, I really struggled.

I had the fortune of having relatives close by and spent a lot of time with them that also gave me another and safer experience.

I had always wanted to be a farmer and that’s what I became,

I chose to go home on the family farm.

At the end of my schooling, I was into alcohol and did some really stupid things, including pranging a car, I am grateful that was during a time of pre internet/social media….

This woke me up big time and I dropped alcohol totally and never really came back to it.

The alcohol did numb down what was underneath and that was attractive, but I found something else to channel into and it was called hard work.

I loved farming and threw myself into it, and soon became highly skilled across many areas.

Several years later, a farm nearby came up for sale and we bought it.

I was under 21 at that time and the property couldn’t go into my name, so it was held in trust by my father, with the deal being that as soon it was paid off, it would be transferred.

The perfect carrot dangled in front of a very stupid donkey…..

Well, I seriously got stuck into it, I took my opportunity with the utmost seriousness, put my heart and soul into it and paid it off in @ 9 years.

During that time, I married and built our new home on the property as well.

My parents reneged on the deal.

Looking back, the writing was on the wall, though I was committed and only had one direction with my Dad’s regular “do as you’re told or I will sell you up..”

That attitude might work with small children, but with a 30 year old who was heavily invested, successful and innovating, it was crushing.

I didn’t realise at the time, but mum was behind the scenes with my wife playing it down, with “he doesn’t mean it etc etc..”

I felt even more isolated and desolated in dealing with this tyrant all day and coming home to “he doesn’t mean it..”

I was devastated, deeply conflicted and all communication with parents closed down.

There was some half cocked arrangements made, including a share farming arrangement, but was unsuccessful.

I didn’t understand what was happening,

I did the “right” thing and got it right, and was punished for it, relentlessly.

I had basically worked for over 10 years for next to nothing.

I agreed to share farming, but only on the condition I did it my way.

From the first year’s crop, my parents received their share of 30% of the gross, which was greater than their previous best 100% result ever.

We even employed a consultant for advice, and his advice was simple..”get the hell out of there…”, as he could see what was happening and that change was not going to happen.

I mistakingly believed parents would be happy, instead they made it nearly impossible for me to continue and eventually, I walked away, confused, frustrated and deeply conflicted.

At this time, I had no understanding with what I was up against.

During this time, I had created a good share farming leasing business with other farmers and continued doing so.

Another farm came up for sale and I wanted to purchase it, and was in an excellent position to do so.

I was cashed up, and parents were not.

To me, this was proof I knew what I was doing and was good at it.

The night before the auction, my parents came down and announced they wanted this property as well, and said that if I refused to purchase  the rest of “my place” (the original land I had already paid for) from them, they would sell this next property to someone else.

They wanted this new property themselves and my youngest brother and expected me to pay for it.

I was devastated with their black mailing offer, as if I refused, they would sell the land I already paid for to someone else.

I believe my wife was discussing this with them behind my back and told them we were in a good position.

I remember pointing out that I had already paid for my own land and asked why should I pay for it a second time, and at double the original price?

This fell on deaf ears, and my wife bought into the debate saying this was a good plan and would resolve this issue.

I caved in.

That was the moment I left my marriage.

My decision to agree eventually cost me my marriage and business.

I did not recover from these intense feelings of of betrayal and  blackmail, and to this day, I am still unraveling this one..

Several years later, divorce arrived, and after paying  50% for the divorce settlement, I lost all interest in farming.

After my marriage ended, I remember going up to parents, totally distraught and saying that I had my kids taken off me, I had lost access and was limited to 4 days a month.

Their immediate response was “..she wouldn’t do that..! ”

I left without saying a word and realised, that once again, I had created the perfect shit storm to drop myself into..

Mum, wanted a daughter and ended up with 3 sons, the youngest being their final attempt to get it right.

This definitely worked for them as parents, as their relationship with my youngest brother is totally different to mine and my other brother.

To me, it seemed like they got it wrong with the first 2, so 12 years later, try again but lets cover up how we stuffed it up and kick them both out of the nest.

My ex was the daughter that Mum never had, and she filled this role admirably, and again, sides were taken with Dad ensuring that Mum got what she wanted, with grandkids in tow.

I didn’t even try and compete with this, especially as the divorce had become a very toxic affair.

I refused to fight or be baited, and this encouraged her and her solicitor to achieve new levels of creativity.

I remained silent to protect my kids, but still was forced to pay half the cost of this stupidity as well as 100% of her capital gains tax, on top of 50% of our business.

At that time, I couldn’t afford to pay this 6 figure tax bill, so I kept rolling it over, which eventually ended up in being pivotal in my decision to declare bankruptcy in 2011, for a minimum of 3 years.

Many years later, my son commented that it was good that the divorce was “amicable”.

I thanked him for saying that, as that is the only validation I have had as a successful parent and keeping them seperate from my past.

25 years after purchase, and 3 years after the divorce, I chose to sell.

At that point of selling my farm, and also after 3 droughts, I was  as far from owning that farm as I had ever been,  and  still paying it off  for the third time.

I was also reeling from the loss of over 10 years of my labour, risk and innovation that was invested into that family farm that I was blackmailed with.

I had lost my confidence in myself in  business.

I remember having a conversation with Dad shortly after selling the farm and why I made that decision.

I owned that I had no chance of succeeding in working with him.

Dad was also the product of his upbringing, and being the youngest of 7, he always carried the belief that he was hard done by and that his older siblings got ahead and he didn’t.

Me, being the eldest, with a brother who was 12 years younger, there was no way he was going to let me succeed.

For years, I fought against this prejudice and all I achieved was burnout

Decades later, this has finally played out, with the closing chapter being that there is only one beneficiary in their wills.

My youngest brother being the sole beneficiary, and I don’t even know if my ex wife was included as I now live half a continent away and have no interest in pursuing.

My second youngest brother, who was 2 years younger than me, was also caught up in this meat grinder.

He is smarter than me and got out earlier and left the district.

I clearly remember having this conversation with Dad why I sold my farm and he did not comment.

In my decision to sell my farm, in 2004, I firmly and also wrongly believed that selling the property and investing into my civil earthmoving business would resolve my issues.

I even directly asked my parents for help at this point, and their response was also direct…

Boy, did I stuff that one up….

After @ 6 more years, my emotional wheels seriously fell off, I was tired, deeply tired from holding this toxic crap in without a break. I collapsed inwards and took my business with me.

I had a good business with good people, but I was the problem, and becoming a bigger problem as I was slowly and relentlessly collapsing inwards..

Mid 2010, I couldn’t hold it in any longer, my remaining  deeply buried past was relentlessly on the move and was coming out.

Again, I approached my parents for help, and again their response was no.

I had nowhere else to turn to, as I didn’t trust myself to sort out my business issues, as the biggest issue with the business was me.

I chose to go into voluntary administration and trade through the funding challenges post  GFC, by signing total control of everything over to the administrator.

I chose the wrong administrator, another predator,  who promptly closed it down and paid himself a fat fee in the process.

At that time, I had sold my home and everything I owned was in the business, I lost everything and the administrator knew I had no funds left with which to counter his actions.

I had no fight left in me

I clearly remember leaving the region and the time leading up to my departure, I just couldn’t stay there any longer, I had to leave and I seriously bolted.

I felt like my past was going to crush me totally if I stayed there a moment longer.

I left Horsham on January 1^st 2011 on my motor bike and drove to Brisbane, 2000 km away, a very emotional journey, especially the first few hours.

The sense of release and freedom was intense, but so was my grief and sense of loss.

Once I got into the vastness of the Hay Plains, I really enjoyed my powerful bike…..

I had everything with me and arrived and had $30 to start again.

People ask why we chose this area to start again, it is hard to explain this was as far as I could go and only had $30 left.

I would have liked to go much further away…

Annette remained in Horsham to finish her training and came up 2 months later.

During the next 5 years, the hardships were constant and intense .

Unfortunately, this was what I needed to penetrate my armour that I had created in protecting myself from the early trauma.

I was unemployable, as I was an emotional mess.

During March 2011, we were reduced to $10, no car, jobs or place to live.

I had lost everything with the business and bankruptcy, including my confidence,  I was on my knee’s, start again time and in my mid 50’s….

I remember comparing notes with my children at uni, they were better off than me.

I don’t think they understood…

This time certainly focused things.

I chose bankruptcy in 2011 to put to put a line across the page, so I could start again.

I did actually managed to keep that $10, but didn’t trust myself to be able to keep it, and asked a friend to hold it for me.

I recognised in that moment how much I had been blackmailed with that farm and how deeply the outcome of my choice had impacted my confidence in my working life and my relationship with money.

Losing my business was insignificant compared to what came to the surface during that time.

It took all of @ 10 minutes to recover from loosing my business.

I had been doing some really deep work that was immensely beneficial but my challenge was to keep moving deeper  but also keep moving forwards and creating a new life for ourselves.

It was a journey to keep that $10 note for several more years until I could afford to have it framed, and it is now hanging in our lounge room.

A comment from  someone who shall remain nameless ..”in case of emergency, break glass…”

More importantly, I had succeeded in keeping my stuff separate from my 3 children, including the ugliness of the divorce ,while still retaining my integrity and dignity, even though, it still copped a beating…

I did not interfere with their having a “normal” relationship with their grandparents, and kept my angst during the relationship breakdown out of their lives.

It was important for me that what happened to me wouldn’t happen again or be passed on but they did get a sense of “something”..

I was grateful for the way their mother treated them, as I remember when our first was born and seeing the connection deepening between mother and her children, something that was totally alien to me.

I was deeply emotional at that time and it would be years later before I recognised the significance of that moment.

I have shared this experience with my daughter and I was quite emotional in my sharing.

During the beginning of my current relationship with Annette, when it was my turn to have the kids, I always asked them for their permission for Annette to be with us.

This story is  the tip of a very large and ugly iceberg….

I am often asked how come I ended up as Oztantra, and “what happened  in my life journey for me to go from tractors to therapist”

My choice of current work career with Oztantra is a direct result of my healing journey and most importantly, why I am very good at it.

My healing journey, coming back into normal has been challenging.

At the time, when Annette and I took over our business called Oztantra, I had no idea how significant this decision would be for me.

Oztantra has given me direction and a reason why I have to unlock my past and deal with it, not just simply put it behind me and move on.

I am hugely grateful for what we have and what we do, as I am making something useful out of the trauma of my past, creating something that is life changing for me as well as people who come into our network.

We have many success stories with couples who felt like they had nowhere else to go and have had life changing experiences with us.

This is the most satisfying thing I have done  and why Oztantra has also changed my life.

I have chosen to sort my own shit out and still create and develop a loving intimate relationship with Annette. (although I do wonder at times, why she has tolerated my antics…)

We have a book coming out soon, titled  “Coming Together”

which is focused and written about what we have learned during our relationship healing journey.

This book is written mostly by Annette and is based on what we have learned from our own journey as well as with 000’s of our clients along the way.

The book doesn’t include our personal journeys, only what we have learned.

I am now in a place where I feel thankful for my past, and can see it as a pathway into what I am now doing with my life,  placing my past traumatic experiences to good use in supporting others.

I made my peace with my parents a long time ago, along with my actions, I felt clear at their funerals and also in my choice up to that point in keeping most of the details of my story to myself.

I have achieved my ideal career and lifestyle that is hugely satisfying and personally rewarding while making major difference’s in lives of our clients, with this website and book as highly visible profiles and examples of our work.

I am comfortable talking about my past, as I find it  healing in sharing

I know I would not have chosen to be where I am now and accept that I have been exploded out of my complacency and denial along each step of the way, which has been a far from gentle journey for me and those around me.

Out of all of this, I have a really good relationship with Annette and our shared  passion in our work and lifestyle.

I am happy and relieved to own that my children will have their own stuff with me that is separate from my traumatic past.

I understand that my traumatic past is mine and that my children have very little if any understanding of my life before them.

In the past, this has caused pain for me in not being heard, but how then, could I possibly expect them to even understand or comprehend my experience.

I have since come to an understanding that I have been successful in breaking that vicious and unconscious cycle I was born into, and that tmy children are far better off not knowing.

I am happy with that.

Graeme Sudholz

 

UPDATE early 2021….

During early 2021, I had  a session with a highly trained professional therapist that uses the chemical MDMA to assist in accessing deep body held trauma. This was an outstanding success for me, as I was unaware of slowly dropping into a state of emotional lockdown.

During my first session, I was able to access body held trauma.

My release process was to simply shake, uncontrollably .

This lasted for hours, both through out the session and afterwards into the days following when I got home.

I felt a deeply gratifying sense of relief, that what happened to my tiny defenceless little boy was real, and that I had survived.

I also became aware that when mum was suffocating me with a pillow, her other hand was pushing down on and crushing my chest.

This is exactly what my asthma used to feel like.

During those final moments, I was about to die.

My scream had nowhere to go, it didn’t leave my body and was internalised  up into my head.

Some one came in at that moment, stopped her and led her away.

I was left alone.

After my session, I now feel that scream, it is in my head and is in the form of really loud tinnitus, locking my jaw during sleep and a general sense of my head full of cotton wool. It is a physical feeling.

I have not known any difference as this has been my normal from those early weeks of my life.

My focus is now in releasing my scream. I have absolutely no idea what this will entail, just that after 000’s of hours and many 000’s of $$$$’s of many different types of therapy, I am ready to trust a chemical.