Oztantra Blog – Love Sex & Passionate Relationships

How to move on from friction sex to tantric sex

August 22, 2023 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

Have you ever wondered how to find the ‘more’ in sex?

Sex that is not just physically satisfying but emotionally and somehow spiritually satisfying as well?

It’s really about shifting your focus to a different goal

From the mindset of foreplay to her orgasm, penetration then his orgasm and that’s it.

To being more in the moment, and open to what happens.

Because as nice as orgasms can be, we can have them yet still not feel totally fulfilled.

Not really penetrated by the sex we’ve had.

Or really changed by it, into a different state of being, as we long to be.

Tantric sex is a huge subject

Today let’s break it down to some simple steps, so you can experience it yourself by DOING. Rather than by THEORY.

Because the experience of it is much better than it sounds, no matter how fancy the words are we use to describe it might be.

And tantra is about cutting out the middle man anyway. It’s about having a direct experience of what we might call God or Spirit or something greater than what we know. Inside of sex, rather than separate to it.

It works even if you don’t believe in God or Spirit or the divine etc. Because it’s about experience, rather than believe in a concept. What you make of it is up to you.

10 Steps to Tantric Sex

You can do one, tow or three of the following steps.

Or you can try them all.

Just keep an open mind and see what results you get.

Step 1

Set an intention for your lovemaking. Each person describes what they most long for in it and any fears they may have around it. This helps to bring you closer together, making you more human.

Step 2

Have some tantric music playing, there is plenty on YouTube for inspiration. See each other as an aspect of the divine- God and Goddess, whole and powerful, getting it together in a divine way. It sounds corny, but it works. Offer some words of appreciation for the God and Goddess before you to help open your hearts.

Step 3

You can then spend a few minutes in YabYum- one person sitting in the others lap, belly to belly, groin to groin, forehead to forehead, breathing deeply, getting connected. Or you can lie side by side for this.

Step 4

Be present in your touch. Don’t touch with an agenda ie. to create an orgasm. Simply explore how the touch feels, to both the giver and the receiver. Touch slower. Try touching to awaken your bodies- with a pressure and speed that brings a tingly warmth between your partners body and your hand. You’ll know It when you feel it. Touch your whole bodies, not just your genitals.

Step 5

Breathe more deeply than usual. Breath moves energy (aka pleasure). The more you breathe the more you feel. Exhaling out of your mouth takes you deeper into your body. Take a few breaths together.

Step 6

Become aware of your heart. Yes, that thing inside your chest that is more than just a pump for blood. It’s an energetic organ of deep communication. You start communicating with it by literally feeling what is going on there. Noticing how your heart actually feels. The trick is that it may take a few minutes to actually feel something if you’re not used to feeling it. And your heart may not feel all warm and gooey, it may feel numb or scared or anxious. This is Ok.

Step 7

Make occasional eye contact. The eyes are the windows to the soul, this is undeniable. They are a source of energetic and soul connection. You don’t need to hold eye contact the whole time, but come into it when you can.

Step 8

Kiss for longer. Kissing helps to create passion by creating a heart/genital connection. It helps to open a woman’s body and gives a chance for sensual play. Slowly approach a kiss, tease, kiss lightly then more fully, nibble upper and lower lips, sink into it, vary your rhythm. Offer your tongue and it if is received offer it more intensely- practice penetrating and being penetrated.

Step 9

Vary your intensity. Go fast and go slow. The less you do the more you will feel if you open to it. Remember to breathe more deeply. Allow, Allow, Allow.

Step 10

Notice when one of you feels like you are coming up to an orgasmic edge, it doesn’t matter whose. Invite your partner to take 3 deep breaths with you, exhaling out of your mouths. This helps to spread the pleasure away from your genital and throughout your bodies. Then go back to building the pleasure and repeat the x3 breaths x 3 times. You will notice your whole bodies feeling more enlivened.

Step 11

Once your pleasure is more highly activated take a pause. Each partner imagines a golden light at the perineum (or the cervix for a woman). As you inhale together imagine this golden light travelling up your spines then into your hearts. As you exhale imagine the light crossing into your partners heart and down their spine to their perineum. Repeat this for 1-3 mins. This alchemises your sexual energy into a higher vibration energy of love.

Step 12

You can go back to more active lovemaking and then try this step, or follow it along from number 9. Repeat as for number 9, but this time take the golden energy up to your third eyes and back down to the perineum 1-3 mins. Again, you can go back to lovemaking here and complete as you desire. Or you can move into stillness, with deep, gentle breaths and some eye connection if desired. At this stage your lovemaking is more meditative, with your sexual energy alchemised into a spiritual vibration. Notice what unfolds without attachment. You might find awe and wonder here.

This is just a beginning

This is just a beginning.

It is about learning to be more present.

To work with your pleasure as energy that you can alchemise.

To bring sex into the realm of the divine, rather than keeping it separate, hidden in shame.

It is a union of everything into oneness.

Having the mind, the body, the heart and spirit all in the one place together.

It’s a beginning and there is much, much more that is possible.

Trying to Create Change in Relationship is Hard

August 8, 2023 By Annette & Graeme Leave a Comment

We’ll show you why failing isn’t a time to blame yourself…

In the information age there is SO much information out there to help us get what we want.

We can instantly Google information on any topic we need and get thousands, if not millions of responses.

A search on YouTube instantly reveals videos on absolutely any topic. From how to install venetian blinds to stopping your partner from snoring, to how to never be boring in conversation!

On relationships and sex too

We can find information on relationships from how to recover from infidelity to how to attract your soulmate. From how to balance the power dynamic in your relationship to learning your attachment style.

We can discover how to find your GSpot, and how to make the most of anal sex. Even snuff sex, tea bagging and more than you can ever possibly want to know.

All at the click of a button

Information can make us feel better because we feel like we’re doing something.

Afterall, knowledge is power.

We’re in information overload

But it’s a passive kind of action as we’re just taking information in, we’re not necessarily doing anything with it. Just letting our over clogged brains categorise it and file it, often never to be seen again. Information can help us fantasise about getting what we want, it helps by soothing our nervous systems for a while.

Yet, we need to DO something

Quality information can inspire us to actually DO something and make the changes in our lives we’re looking for.

Until the custom made settings in our psyches reassert themselves and we fall back into old habits.

And then we sadly often see ourselves, or our partners, as the cause of this failure. We judge ourselves, or them, as being inadequate or faulty.

Yet our failures are more often about not understanding the process of change, than not being able to change. (And yes, we realise that this is MORE information to take in!)

Change takes more than taking information in

It requires us to take action.

And the best actions are backed up by having a well rounded plan that includes all the different aspects of change that true change requires. Including the parts where we might look like we’re failing, but we’re really not.

Planning successfully for change

Step 1. Recognise that you don’t want what is happening any more. Like you really don’t want it.

Step 2. Recognise that the pain of staying the same is greater than the fear, or the pain of change. This is an incredibly freeing place to get to.

Step 3. Discover what you really desire instead. Our desires can absolutely lead us in the direction we need to go. Even more than focussing on fixing what is wrong. Because we can get stuck on focussing on what is wrong and simply keep creating more of it.

Step 4. Formulate a clear and achievable goal, composed of your core desires. Along with any important accompanying smaller desires that arise in the process. Getting high quality information about your goal so that it feels actually achievable.

Step 5. Spend time exploring the 5 senses reality of what achieving your goal will look, feel, sound, taste and smell like. This is more than just mental fantasy. This is harnessing the power of the universe at a primal level.

Step 6. Believe in the possibility of your achieving this goal. Because if you don’t believe it, it won’t happen. This can be done by reflecting on areas in your life where you have already achieved a similar goal. Or where you have gained a real sense of achievement in any area of your life. This is so you start out feeling like a winner.

Step 7. Get clear about your obstacles, so you can be motivated to surmount them to take action.

Step 8. Bring unaligned pieces of your body mind (usually held in your subconscious) into alignment. This is so they don’t sabotage your efforts along the way.

Step 9. Feel worthy and deserving of achieving your goal by clearing out any opposite beliefs/feelings.

Step 10. Develop a clear map of the inner and outer work needed to achieve your goal. Then developing a plan of action to put those into your life.

Step 11. Setting up accountability, so you actually take the steps you have planned to.

Step 12. Celebrating your achievements along the way, large and small to keep you motivated.

This is the true value of having external support to hold space for you while you do this work of creating change. It applies whether you want to create more connection in your relationship, resolve unhealthy power dynamics or have more orgasms!

The most successful people in life have some kind of external support.

Support to:

help them thoroughly explore and get clear on their desires
formulate achievable goals
believe this goal is truly possible for them
clear any resistance to achieving their goal (that they couldn’t uncover by themselves)
bring into alignment any inner parts of them not on board
magnify their self worth and deservability
develop a clear plan of action
keep them accountable
celebrate the changes that they do make
be open to magic (surprise opportunities that come along)

Dealing with roadblocks

External support can provide a reminder that when we create change we will automatically create pushback. Either in ourselves, or in others.

A western view of this is that our psyches have a set point, just like our fridges do. When we put a whole load of new foods into our psyche in the form of change, we challenge it. Our psyche will work hard to return to its former set point (colder temperature). It takes continued change to create a new normal, or a new set point.

An eastern viewpoint of this is that the universe will challenge us to really own what we want. It will do this by creating affronts to our new beliefs or actions as if to say “Are you really serious about this? Show me.” An affront might look like us deciding we are worthy of a goal. Then having someone immediately put us down and say “Who do you think you are to want this?”

Roadblocks are part of change rather than obstacles

In either case, continuing to affirm the changes we are making is the fastest route to real change. As is seeing the challenges as part of the change rather than an obstacle to it.

The other important aspect of change that having external support can help you with is celebrating the changes that do happen. Sometimes we can be so focussed achieving the end result we can forget to celebrate the steps along the way. Celebration has been scientifically proven to be highly motivating. When it’s real, no matter how small.

And remembering to have some fun along the way. This helps relax our nervous systems and make them ready for new challenges. Fun makes change happen more quickly and can allow more magic to happen!

Real change is not a quick fix

So if you are wanting to create change in your life, don’t beat yourself up if it doesn’t happen straight away.

Know that real change is a process, not a quick fix. Especially in a relationship. Where one person might be trying to change alone. Or both people might be trying to change together.

Supporting people to create lasting change is our passion

If you would like some support to be successful in creating the change you want contact us here or on 1800 TANTRA.

Can You Allow Your Heart to Crack Open?

July 18, 2023 By Annette & Graeme 2 Comments

And what happens if it does?

When you choose to have your heart open, not what you might think.

We like to play it safe in relationship

It’s the fear of getting hurt in our intimate relationships.

We can get hurt in other areas of life and deal with it, but this one is the real biggie.

It leads us to consciously, and unconsciously, protect ourselves

To play it safe.

And we do stay safe.

But we don’t get what we truly want.

We miss out on what we want

Humanity has achieved incredible feats yet we still create great havoc and misery in intimacy.

We don’t get the love we signed up for.

We don’t get the love that pulls us out of ourselves, that gives us the sublime WOW factor we secretly long for.

What does happen?

So what DOES happen if you decide to really fully, exquisitely open your heart to your partner?

If you give it your all with no holding back.

Whether your partner does or not.

What happens is that you learn what it is like to have your heart open.

You get to live from your open heart

You want to be in service and devotion to your partner (two words that have become dirty in the age of ME).

They become more important than you.

At least part of the time.

You forgive them their mistakes.

And you give them opportunities to touch your heart again and again.

When you open your heart, YOU are actually opening YOUR heart.

At this level it is nothing to do with the other person.

It is you experiencing and learning what it is like to love.

It matters less what the other person does, it’s just you learning to live from your open heart.

Even if they leave, you still have your open heart.

To give to the next person. Or to invest in some other part of your life.

What we fear most is actually less painful than the pain we experience when we’re hurt with a closed heart.

Closed hearts create more suffering

When our hearts are closed it is so much easier to hold onto the story. To hold on to the suffering, the drama of what he did, she said, on and on back through time.

There is SO much pain in that closed hearted place fed by the ego. The pain is never ending as long as we choose it.

When our hearts are open and we are choosing love no matter what, it is scary but we choose to stay in the now.

We can feel the hurt, we can let it in and allow our magnificent hearts to heal it.

We can cry, scream, yell and rail at the universe but we get it. We heal.

We make love more important than the pain.

We can create healed relationships with the one who hurt/left us.

We can own our part in what was created between us.

Our partners can be inspired to meet us there.

Sometimes we can even see our existing partners in a whole new light and fall in love with them all over again.

Not in a dewy eyed fairytale, but in something real, raw and open.

This is the next stage of relationship the world is waiting for.

Where we stop loving from the ego. From simply getting all its needs met and only giving when it suits us. Where we remain in control, protected and hiding our heart.

Where we stop looking for the bad in our partners so we can justify protecting ourselves. Where we can point the finger and say “See…look at what they did/are doing! I need to protect myself”

Where we start to see the good in our partners and stop pushing them away because our pain seeking selves are too scared to let them in.

Where we start taking care of our own nervous systems and choose safety, love and belonging, rather than hurt. Where we learn to surrender our defences.

Where we can do the work, own our worth, stop avoiding, stop people pleasing. Or any of the hundred and one ways we have to avoid love.

Where we stand up to be counted and be someone who can be counted on in relationship.

Where we choose love over fear.

We can hear the cacophony of voices saying, but what if…?

What if this kind of love isn’t real?
What if our partners are not really worth loving this deep?

What if they don’t return our love?

What if love hurts?

We get it. It’s scary.

We challenge you to not make it about the other person.

We invite you to look at your own capacity for love.

There is so much you can learn and heal and grow in.

And funnily enough, more safety to be found.

For support in navigating yourself to your open heart contact Annette and Graeme here

Cervical Orgasm: How to discover it

July 4, 2023 By Annette & Graeme 2 Comments

And why her cervical orgasm is great for both of you!

Most women have never experienced a cervical orgasm, or even know it is possible.

They mostly experience discomfort instead.

Resolving cervical discomfort will awaken the magic of this divine part of woman…

The cervix, that donut shaped gateway between the vagina and the womb is a place of magic. It forms the gateway between the vagina and womb; the genitals and the heart; and between sex and love; love and the divine. It also forms the gateway between the self and the transpersonal, that which lies beyond the ordinary mind.

The cervix is the place where a woman can experience a cervical orgasm of deeply fulfilling pleasure.

It is also where she can experience a cervical orgasm of love, of her divinity.

Such an orgasm leaves a woman truly open, truly receptive, truly blossomed. Soft, vulnerable yet deeply powerful in her womanness. Exuding the divine love of the feminine.

That’s a whole lot of possibilities for such a little space! About 2.2cm or 1 inch long.

The experience described above is a rare, or even non existent one for most women.

But things are changing as the word is spreading. Just as it was once rare for a woman to experience her GSpot, so too is the cervix is coming into its own.

Mostly the cervix just hurts!

It is currently most common for a woman to experience her cervix as that “owy” spot somewhere deep inside her. The spot that is very uncomfortable in full and hard penetration.

The cervix needs time and attention to awaken.

The spot that is swabbed during a vaginal exam whilst a cold speculum lies in her vagina.

This makes her cervix mostly a spot a woman wants to move away from.

Even worse, a woman is likely to “tolerate” this discomfort, rather than ask for it to be changed. Because this is what women are good at.

A man is not necessarily aware of what is going on for her, or what they are both missing out on.

And so she misses out on its possibilities. They both do.

The cervix is not built for direct pressure

In lovemaking the cervix itself is too tender a place to receive too much pressure, or pounding. This is what causes the discomfort. Which leads to the cervix becoming numbed out in order to protect itself from pain. Or being overly sensitised by the pain, making it even more more painful.

There are 2 ways to pave the way for cervical orgasm

One is a practice that a woman can do for herself.

And one that her lover can support her with that will be good for both of them.

Her Practice for cervical orgasm

A woman can heal the numbness and pain in her cervix through her own sexual healing.

It is SO worth it. It is a very empowering and radically self loving way to open yourself to deep pleasure, love and transcendent experiences.

https://www.wandsoflust.com.au/collections/glass-wands

This is done using a crystal dildo, or glass wand, something that she can comfortably reach her cervix with. And her loving presence.

After creating a safe space, she can deep breathe and spend a few minutes dropping into her body.
It might take a little while for her to “sense” her cervix.
She can then gently approach her cervix with the lubricated toy. Going slowly, letting the cervix relax.
Letting it soften onto the tool, whilst she breathes deeply, exhaling through her mouth.
If she encounters pain she can breathe and sound it out.
She can feel the emotions present there.
If there is numbness she can feel into it and ask it what lies beneath it.
She may connect with memories of past hurts or times when she missed out on pleasure.
She only needs to experience whatever is present with love and compassion, allowing it to heal and fill with pleasure rather than pain and numbness.

The number of times a woman needs to do this, for about 10mins each time, is different for each woman. Start x 10 mins daily x 7 days, or second daily, and feel what more is needed. Listen to your body.

For Her Lover to support cervical orgasm

Remember that is vital that a woman is fully aroused before any deep penetration is attempted. (Unlike what is portrayed in porn).

When she’s fully aroused, two sexy ligaments called the round ligaments will come into play. These ligaments attach to the top of the uterus and thread down to the labia majora (the outer lips). Their job is to keep the womb in a stable position, especially during pregnancy.

In lovemaking, when a woman is aroused her outer lips will swell. This causes the round ligaments to tighten and pull the cervix safely out of the way. This means that penetration can happen without the cervix getting too bumped.

It also means her “A” and “P” spots will be stimulated pleasurably by deep penetration. These “spots” are formed at the front and back of the vaginal canal where the cervix slightly protrudes into it. See the yellow circle in the image on the right.

As the lover, you don’t have to worry too much about trying to hit the right “spots”. Instead focus on giving the labia, not just the clitoris, some extra attention before going inside. She will love you for it. You can spend time massaging her A spot, which you’ll find in a similar way to her GSpot, just another 2 or 3 inches 5-7cm further in.

When you’re making love

Once you’re inside, approach the depths slowly. Spend some time going just a little way in and out at first, which stimulates the GSpot area. Then focus on being deeply inside and going slooww, relaxing your hips, moving them around in a circle, rather than thrusting. With those round ligaments tightening, elongating the vagina, you can both feel a delicious sense of being totally filled/totally filling. As you do this, imagine penetrating your woman with your heart as well as your lingam/cock/penis. This can feel incredibly powerful for you, as well as your woman.

Taking it easy

Having this focus on your woman can help you step out of having to rush to your own end. Instead you can enjoy each moment more. And again, she will love you for it. You won’t need to do it like this every time. But the more you do it the more she, and her body, will trust and open with you.

Mmm…yummy!!

Once this contact is feeling really good then deep, hard thrusting can feel exceptionally good for both of you. Instead of feeling her pulling back and shutting down you will feel her melting, opening and wanting more. And she will feel it too.

And you will have her eternal devotion.

All sorts of magic can happen from here- deep love, erotic wildness, cervical orgasm, transcendent bliss, anything is possible.

Things too hard to put into words…

« Previous Page