Dealing with boredom in the bedroom
Is about doing some Sexploration mmm…yum!
We all know that place of getting bored in relationship sex, or being unsatisfied and too scared to admit it. Or feeling limited in our ability in sex, perhaps judged by our partners and believing that being a good, no, a great lover impossible. We all have fantasies about experiencing mindblowing pleasure in ourselves and bringing our partners to shuddering, sweating orgasms. Or perhaps our fantasies about experiencing that feeling of connection and oneness with another that wipes out all fears and loneliness…
Sex, it’s a power the world runs on, constantly in our faces selling everything from icecream to cars. It is the power to create life, to experience connection and pleasure, to see ourselves without walls and so much more. How would it be to have to have the knowledge and skills to find the deep satisfaction and life changing capacity that lies within it?
It’s common to lose that spark!
Many people come to us having lost the spark of connection in their sex life, feeling bored, uninspired, uninterested or ashamed, longing to recreate or even improve on how sex was in the beginning. Maybe feeling scared that what has been once is now lost forever. Many are looking for that previously unattainable promise of magic and meaning in sex.
Sex in relationship can be the source of highest connection, elevating a couple to places beyond their wildest dreams and becoming not only the celebration, but also the glue of their relationship. It can equally become the strongest source of disappointment, frustration, rejection and abandonment we can ever have to endure.
The good news is that identifying what is NOT working in your sex life is the pathway to getting what you want. Not trying to fix yourself but making more informed choices. Because that’s what sex becomes in relationship- it’s more of a choice that a hormone driven romp between the sheets. It’s about being fully present and allowing our hearts to open that allows the pleasure to flow.
It isn’t that hard to begin to make changes in your sex life so it’s more pleasurable and fulfilling.
The biggest obstacles to a better sex life begin with recognizing some common and unhelpful beliefs:
- Sex IS natural, especially if you’re a rabbit. As humans we can just mate. This is true, however if you want the pleasure and connection that human beings are capable of you have to look a bit further.
- Sex needs to be spontaneous sex to be terrific. Planned, desired and looked forward sex can be amazing, just like your first date.
- I don’t want to be vulnerable. If you knew that being embarrassed and vulnerable was the ONLY thing standing between you and the sex life of your dreams would you be willing to feel it?
- I’m scared to fail. If you knew that in Tantric style sex there is no such thing as failure, would you go there?
- I’m scared to change. Let’s face it, if you want something better in bed something has to change. It doesn’t mean you have to give anything up, it does mean you have to be open to newness.
- I don’t know what to do. Risking and being in the unknown was exciting in the beginning, with the right mindset it can be again…
- I’m scared of being rejected. If your sex life sucks you’re probably getting rejected plenty already, so what have you got to lose in risking fear of rejection for something better?
- If only he/she would…Remember it is not your lover’s job to have the perfect technique to get you off in record time, every time. For a start, great sex is always co-created. If your sex is less than desirable you have to own that you’re part of the problem. Secondly, if you’re only priority is to ‘get off’ your sex life is never going to reach great heights. So admit it, underneath you really do want more or you wouldn’t be here right now.
- Sex is not a linear process of A-Z. It’s a following of the energy that arises in each moment.
- Sex is wrong. Enjoying quality sex will not make you a slut or get you addicted, in fact it will do the opposite, it will set you free, increase your personal power and open your heart.
- Good sex is about finding the right mechanical ‘technique’ There are a few mechanics that are helpful to learn, however most techniques are about making something happen form the ‘outside in’, we teach you how to have sex form the ‘inside out’!
- Desire is just about our sex drive it’s also about how open our hearts are. Can you identify where you’ve closed and seek to open a little?
- I don’t know how. If you want to create significant change in your sex life then getting the right information and support is crucial. If you’re going to risk it, it is worth doing more than reading the latest sex manual or asking for tips from your friends (unless your friends have really got it happening and are willing to talk!). See a specialist in the area, one that can reassuringly help you in creating more pleasure, connection, low libido, lasting longer, orgasming more easily, dealing with poor or no erections, past history of abuse and more.
- Neither me nor my partner want to go there anyhow, it’s just easier not to. Understanding that often it is not in the bedroom where relationship problems are created, it just where they most often show up. Improving your sex life can be about more than looking in the bedroom, which takes longer but the benefits are much greater.
Understanding your sexual potential
Couples come to us frustrated in the bedroom and get blown away (pun intended) by learning what is possible, because it truly doesn’t have to be this way. Or they’ve experienced something really amazing and want to know how to create more of it. We believe people everywhere require a more informed and broad ranging education about sex that doesn’t merely cover the nuts and bolts but the sensual, psychological, emotional and spiritual aspects well.
How would it be to see your sexual pleasure, that warm, tingly, deliciously expanding feeling as energy in your body. Energy you can take charge of and make it about much more than scratching your itch.
– If you feel your sexual energy is very intense, even that it controls you, rather than the other way around the next time you feel the energy rise instead of experiencing it as a pressure take a few deep breaths and relax, welcoming the feeling in and allowing it to spread through your body rather than getting stuck at your genitals- feel the difference?
– If you’re on the other end of the scale and you don’t feel much energy at all try practicing pc squeezes (tightening and releasing the muscles between your legs that control the flow of urine). Take a breath in, do 10 squeeze/releases then exhale. With practice this technique along with many others will increase the amount of energy you feel.
What we see in couples who make the transition beyond their current limiting beliefs and behaviours to sex on a deeper level is that their sexual satisfaction goes up dramatically and continues to do so over time. In fact their potential becomes limitless.
So what does deeper, more intimate and satisfying sex look like?
What is YOUR answer to that question?
Our answer (supported by the hundreds of couples we’ve worked with) is:
It’s less about what we look like in sex, it’s about how we feel.
Actually truly intimate and satisfying sex can actually look pretty boring, it’s not made to be a spectator sport like porn, but it feels a..a..amazing!
It’s not at all about having to perform.
It’s where your presence is more importance than your technique.
You relax at the beginning, rather than just after climax.
It’s being in the moment not working your way from techniques 1-10.
It’s about pleasure that can be full bodied and endless for both.
It’s about being real with each other, rather than fantasy, being emotionally and physically naked.
It’s a shame free celebration of sex, love and pleasure.
It is about connection and intimacy that can be light and playful, hot and passionate, profound beyond measure or anything in between.
It shows us that sex can be multidimensional, we become somehow more than our ordinary, everyday selves, experiencing our fullest potential.
After lovemaking we feel energized, nurtured, loved and connected rather than drained.
And most of all it’s so good we make time for lovemaking a priority in our lives, sex becomes the hub in the wheel of the relationship.
We know it takes time to develop, yet every little step makes a difference. You’ll learn so much about yourself along the way.
Ready to get started??