We’ve covered talking about the big picture of sex in Part 1, how to ask for sex in Part 2, today we cover how talk about sex during and after making love. and a a bonus we mention ways to talk about sex around your children.
Talking during sex doesn’t have to be dirty talk (although this can add spice if you’re willing to risk it. If you’re not sure how to talk dirty, asking your partner what they would like to hear can be a good place to start, for even if you feel ridiculous at first they’ll love you for it!).
Simply letting your partner know you’re loving what’s happening for you is a great way to build the intensity and deepen your connection. We all love being affirmed, and this is a very powerful place to be affirmed in.
Your affirmation can be as simple as, “I’m loving that thing you’re doing with your tongue right now. It feels AMAZING!”. Oohs and Aahs are a good start, but being specific (when you can engage your thoughts!) is even better.
A beautiful tip is to occasionally tell your partner something wonderful about them in their moments of orgasm. They won’t be in a place to respond to you but your words will penetrate them deeply as in this moment they are psychically very open.
And remember those moments when you are beyond the thoughts, words and communication from your limited egoic mind are equally priceless as the most effective communication from it.
Talking when it’s not working during sex:
- When you’re actually in the moment, keep your communication simple and direct.
- Many people fear speaking up about what they want, but if you do it in a non-shaming way, most partners will love you for it.
- Most of us fear criticism in this tender place, however. So rather than focussing on what’s not working, ask for what you want instead. If you want a change, say, “This is nice, and a little to the left would be even better!” or “I’d love it if you could go a bit slower. That’s great – can you go even slower?” or even “I love it when you do… Could you do it now?”
- Don’t expect your partner to remember what you want every time. Just make a habit of asking for it. (Ironically, this takes the fear and frustration out of it for your partner so they’re more likely to remember.)
- If nothing’s working, it’s OK to pause, breathe, do your ABC and take the time to come back to a place of connection with yourself and see what emerges from there.
Don’t make it, or your partner wrong. Instead, focus on what IS happening for you and share it, eg, “I’m feeling distracted,” “I’m not really present,” “I’m disconnected from myself,” etc. Own this as your feeling, and nothing to do with your partner (even the best technique in the world won’t get you there if you’re not available).
And if your partner is feeling something less than perfect, don’t make it about you. As scary as it sounds, stating what is and allowing it to be OK can empower things to shift.
Just a simple ‘that was wonderful’ or ‘I love you’ can suffice immediately afterwards.
A little later, there’s great benefit in sharing about what you experienced. For even when you’re feeling totally connected with each other, you each still have your own uniquely personal perspective.
Talking about sex afterwards is a great way to learn more for next time, although it’s definitely a time to be gentle and leave criticism behind. Sharing can include what you learned, what worked for you, and what challenged or didn’t work for you – always owning your comments and speaking from your heart.
It’s funny how the gift of children that come from the act of sex seems to be the reason many people stop having it after those same children arrive. This is partly due to the place we keep sex in our minds: that it’s private, embarrassing, naughty, dirty, or just noisy, and that kids shouldn’t know we’re doing it.
However, it’s important to normalise sex, to make it a healthy part of family life, and to make your relationship intimacy equally important as caring for your children’s needs. There’s no reason that kids can’t be in the house whilst you’re making love. Open-hearted pleasure that leaves you feeling great will nurture and uplift those around you as well, (although do keep the really noisy times for when you’re alone).
With young children, talk about ‘parent time’ for loving each other or having cuddles. Set them up with an activity to keep them occupied; and if they happen to interrupt, just tend to their needs and come back, rather than give up or let your child get into bed with you.
If your children are old enough to be up without supervision, let them know you’re going to have some ‘connection time’ (no details needed). If you clearly hold sex in a place of importance and sacredness in yourself, your kids will do the same. Even if they roll their eyes and say, “Yuck!” they’ll highly value the positive role modelling you offer.
Lastly, reassess your sexual map regularly, as your sexual desires will change over time just like you do. And even if talking about sex doesn’t go well the first time, keep trying: the gifts of lovemaking are too big to ignore.
The couples Graeme and I see find that the benefits of getting to an open and loving place in communicating about sex make communicating easier in all other areas of their relationship too. We trust it will be the same for you.
If you found these tips helpful and would like to know more check out Part 1 , Part 2, or purchase All Parts are from our book Coming Together: available here Or even give Annette or Graeme a call Ph 1800 TANTRA or email us here.