Yesterday we spoke of starting a conversation about sex in your relationship by focussing on the bigger picture – what sex actually means to each of you (if you missed it see it here).
Today we get down to more of the nitty gritty from our book Coming Together available here:
Getting specific about your sex together:
- If you have any concerns about what’s happening in the bedroom sandwich them between a layer of positives and offer a replacement suggestion so your partner has somewhere to go with your concern.
- Discuss what you’d like more of/less of. Exploring them as desires rather than expectations lets you move more openly towards them.
- If you’re partner asks for something you have resistance to, feel into your resistance and see what lies within it. Is your resistance:
- fear of being embarrassed
- a fear of the unknown
- of being out of control
- of being out of your comfort zone
- concern about past negative experiences
- is the idea bringing up shame you can move through?
- is it resistance to giving your partner something they want?
- or is it a true ‘no’ for you?
- Open discussion will bring you a clearer, more loving ‘no’, or maybe your ‘no’ will turn into a ‘yes’!
- If you don’t know what you want for yourself, make that OK. Sit with it, and allow whatever’s under the surface to come out, rather than covering it up with something you think you should want.
- Get clear on what your/your partner’s signals are for wanting sex, and what is NOT a signal.
- Share your ‘quickie turn-on’s. What fills up your sexy tank if you’re starting out a bit flat? We each have our own unique ones: find ones you can share.
- Are there any times when your body is simply not available? Sharing these upfront reduces rejection.
- What’s your end game? How do you each like to finish? Can you combine them or alternate?
Asking for sex:
Yes, it’s both scary and challenging to ask for sex, and it can be easier (and sadder) not to. Hopefully, we can inspire you enough to want to go there:
- Ask from a place of being already there rather than one of trying to hook your partner into giving you something. Allow yourself to feel your desire, enjoying the feeling, and breathing it through your body in a way that relaxes and opens you, then approach your partner from this place. This way, if you get a ‘no’, you’re less devastated as you’re already feeling pretty good.
- Don’t ever assume or covertly hint, eg come to bed without your PJ pants on, or ask for a neck massage hoping for more. Manipulation is not sexy.
- A great way to approach your lover is whichever way works for them, so ask them what this is.
- If they’re not sure, the direct approach is simply to look them in the eye with a smile and say, “I’d really like to ….with you. Would you like to join me?” If you get a ‘no’, ask whether there’s anything they need that would make your invitation possible.
Before having sex, check in with yourselves via your ABC to see where you’re each at. Rather than judge where you’re at, use it as a starting place.
- Are you feeling keen and excited, or resistant and needing to take it slowly?
- Do you need some nurturing first?
- Do you feel creative and like exploring?
- Are you feeling kinky?
- Or are you ready for a cuddle?
When you can start out by being real with your desires, it brings an openness to working together to create a mutually agreeable outcome. And starting gently often allows desire to arise if it’s not there at the beginning.
Sharing your fears, boundaries and desires
This can be another way of getting started.
- Sharing fears: It’s good to share any fears that come up for you about sex, as this allows them to be heard and let go of.
- Sharing boundaries: Don’t automatically assume you have the right to do something just because it’s with your partner, or because they were into it last time. Equally, don’t assume they’re ready for something new because you are. Instead, make boundary setting a regular part of your love-play.
As funny as it might sound, boundaries are still important in relationship sex. They not only protect and maintain your essential self, they help you to avoid taking your partner for granted. Boundaries also allow you to feel respected and safe enough to trust and open more deeply to loving pleasure.
- Sharing desires: What is it you’re up for? If one of you isn’t open to full sex right now, are you open to exploring anything else? For example, could you lie together and share sexual energy, kissing or mutual pleasuring, or could they be present with you whilst you self-pleasure, etc?
Once you’ve managed to have conversations at this level your fear of talking about sex should be much reduced. If places come up where you disagree make them learning opportunities rather than no go zones. The openness the happens when we are fully accepted in this place will bring energy to your sexual desire like nothing else.
Remember to look for tomorrow’s chat which is about talking during sex and afterwards, plus talking about sex around the children!
And for more ways to include making love in your relationship take a look at our upcoming March Couples Retreat.