Does this mean it’s over?
This is a place many people get to at some point in their relationships (just as our sexual desire can wane). Our automatic response is to make it mean that something is wrong, or that the relationship is over. Hearing your partner say, as painful as it is to hear it, “I don’t love you anymore” doesn’t necessarily mean anything is wrong. No matter how real it seems it can be simply a way of saying this is too hard, I can’t do it anymore… Being in relationship with another individual as complex and multi layered as we are, with all of our unique needs, desires and expectations is not an easy thing to do. If we make it ok to not love our partners sometimes, even to feel hate for them, it can bring a relief unseeable before. Not loving our partners at times makes us normal.
Making the “I don’t love you anymore” simply an expression of where we’re at, rather than it being about the other person can help it to shift.
“I don’t love you anymore” can also mean that I am shut down in my heart, that I can’t feel love at all, not just for you. My heart can be closed from the little, or large, unresolved hurts in our relationship; or from hurts in my own life that have nothing to do with you, but the impact is the same. Maybe I’m just worn out and need some self care for a while.
Rarely do we find that love has died completely. It’s often just buried under the hurt and needs some excavating…
And sometimes it can be over, it doesn’t mean that the love has to stop…
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